Thursday, December 24, 2015

Fuck the Holidays!



Christmas sucks.

The holidays in general suck.

Everything sucks.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I despise this time of year and everything that comes with it. I've never been family oriented or anything like that throughout a majority of my life, so maybe that may have something to do with it...all I know is that this is the time of year where I realize something as a certainty...

...people are assholes.

The holidays are a time when we're all supposed to spread cheer and goodwill to one another. Instead we treat each other like shit if anyone has a differing political opinion, or is of a different religion, etc. It's just more of the same shit as to why we hate each other for no discernible reason other than the fact we're a species of fucking jerk-offs. The worst part about that is that we'll never change. As the years and decades and generations go by, we will just continue to implode as a species instead of going what we should be doing: evolving. We're devolving by the minute because we all have our heads shoved so far up our own asses that we lose sight of reality, and instead have become slaves to the fear-mongering media machine that does their best to keep us all in line and keep us hating each other for one reason or another.

So yeah, Merry Christmas and all that other shit. I really don't mean to be a downer, I really don't. But sometimes this crap just tends to get the better of me and everything gets put in the rear-view mirror.

Despite all the shit I just spouted, I hope you all have a happy and enjoyable holiday, yadda yadda yadda.

I'm masturbating with a candy cane stuck up my ass right now.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Ridley Scott is a Bloody Twat



Ridley Scott is a visionary director, there's no bullshitting about that. Look through that filmography of his: "Blade Runner", "Thelma & Louise", "Gladiator", "Black Hawk Down", etc. Oh yeah...and "Alien". Now I had said some time before that "District 9" director Neill Blomkamp was going to be helming his own entry into the "Alien" franchise that would ignore "Alien 3" and "Alien: Resurrection", and instead be a direct sequel to "Aliens".

That's right: we'd get Ripley, Hicks, Newt, and Bishop back, and pretend that the last two "Alien" movies never fucking happened. This was awesome news when first revealed months ago to go along with Blomkamp's concept art. Needless to say, even though it was probably against our better judgment, we were pretty much looking forward to it. Not to mention the fact Ridley Scott was going to be gracing us with a sequel to "Prometheus"...for some odd reason. Yes, it finally seemed like a good time to be a fan of the "Alien" franchise.

Then Blomkamp's film got thrown in the shitter because Scott decided his film was more of a priority, and so would be all the sequels it would birth.

Now here's the thing: any other time I really wouldn't care in all honesty. "Alien" is something that is near and dear to me and always will be, and I remember all the hype and hoopla surrounding "Prometheus" in 2012. Scott had claimed this really wasn't a prequel to "Alien", but something that takes place in the same universe rather. Well, after middling box office and reception, I guess either Scott or 20th Century Fox decided let's get on the prequel series train right the fuck right now, hence why "Prometheus 2" is now known as "Alien: Paradise Lost"...or is it "Alien: Covenant"...or maybe it'll be some other generic ass title instead.

What we have here is Ridley Scott pissing all over his own legacy. The original "Alien", as we all know, is a classic of science fiction and horror cinema. It put Scott on the map as a visionary director, and marked the beginning of one of the most beloved horror/sci-fi franchises in cinema history. The beauty of it all was that the original film is just so simple when you think about it: it's basically a slasher movie on a spaceship with a few clever surprises and original ideas thrown in along with brilliant acting and set design. These new films, while no doubt will more than likely be sights to behold (Scott's films are marvels of cinematography and just have a feeling of large-scale epicness) are little more than studio-pushed cash-grabs, and the fact that Scott will be in the director's chair for them is just disappointing.

So yeah...can you tell I'm not looking forward to it?

Oh, Ridley Scott is working on a sequel to "Blade Runner" too. Upon further examination, I have come to the conclusion that Ridley Scott is a cunt.

Saturday, December 5, 2015

THERE'S A NEW MST3K?!?!?!!?



Nostalgia can be a bitch. I've ranted and raved about the effect of it plenty of times before, considering we've seen revivals of everything from Star Wars, Star Trek, Ghostbusters, Godzilla, and plenty, plenty more besides. Now, we're about to get something that I know just about all of us are nostalgic for...

...motherfucking Mystery Science Theater 3000.

That's right you fucks, we're getting a revival of MST3K, and unlike just about all of the other revivals, reboots, retreads, etc., this is a revival I can totally fucking get behind. Somehow, someway, that show has managed to resonate with people even after close to two decades of being off the air. How the fuck is something like that possible? A show about three assholes riffing on terrible movies that has managed to not only stay in the public consciousness, but also has somehow even more surprisingly managed to hold up.

That in itself isn't just an extreme rarity, it's practically impossible to do so, and MST3K has done just that.

There's been news of casting current nerdcore-types like Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt in villainous roles (as the daughter of Dr. Forrester and son of TV's Frank), which is all well and good I guess, but aren't they a little too...mainstream for something like MST3K? One of the charms of MST3K, at least to me anyway, has always been that it's a cult show (that somehow has managed to achieve widespread appeal all this time). The pessimist in me is concerned that this new take on the show will lack the charm, and humor, of the original series and will instead rely on more conventional structure to appeal to a mainstream audience. I sincerely hope that this isn't the case, and I'm just being a cynical bastard.

No matter what, I'll be checking out this new take on MST3K. I hope to fucking Christ I'll be pleasantly surprised by the end result.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Nerds Are Terrible People



It feels like it was an eternity ago, but once upon a time, there was a time when being a nerd/geek was generally looked down upon by the mainstream world. Being super nerdy and geeky about things like Star Wars, Star Trek, comics, movies, etc. and being vocal about it not only got you made fun of, but it got the shit beat out of you on the playground. This is the absolute truth.

Things have changed now. Being a geek and nerd is now THE mainstream. We've decided to let Hollywood and mainstream media dictate to us what's cool and awesome and what we should geek the fuck out about. Over the past few years, we've seen properties we'd get nostalgic about be rebooted, remade, and re-purposed for modern audiences and to squeeze a few more dollars out of their lifelong fans. Things like Star Wars, Star Trek, various Marvel properties, Ghostbusters, Doctor Who, and tons upon tons more have received massive makeovers and are now bigger cash cows now than they ever were before...

...and we're all stupid enough to keep throwing our time, attention, and cash at them all.

Plus, it goes without saying, where did all the nerd superiority come from? If you're not into a certain something that has achieved super mainstream nerd appeal like Star Wars or a Marvel property, you get looked down upon. Why is that? Remember when there was a time when nerds actually stuck together despite their differences in fandoms? Yeah...it's not like that anymore. I recently got a lot of shit because I said Marvel's new Jessica Jones show wasn't the greatest thing ever made like every other Marvel fanboy is. I also got shit a while back for a blog entry on here where I questioned whether or not we actually need more Star Wars movies. Not to mention the fact that now being a nerd has become the "in" thing to be. I never ever thought such a thing would ever be a reality, but here we are.

It's that kind of shit that really makes me regret being as nerdy as I am.

So yeah, you know what? Nerds are horrible people. So are hipsters. And hipster nerds are tools of the Devil.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Where the Hell is PHANTASM V?????



There is a shitload of horror franchises out there. Think of as many as you can off the top of your head right now on the spot. What are the ones that automatically pop in there? "A Nightmare on Elm Street"? "Halloween"? "Friday the 13th"? "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"? "Saw"? "Scream"? Yeah, that's a shitload of movies right there to be sure, but does anyone ever think of "Phantasm"? The "Phantasm" movies are probably some of the absolute most underrated flicks the horror genre has to offer. Written and directed by Don Coscarelli, the series started in 1979, with the last film in the franchise to come out in 1998. The series ended on a bit of a cliffhanger (which isn't a surprise really because every film in the franchise ends on a cliffhanger to begin with), and fans have been clamoring for years for another movie. Years and years went by, with a tad of promise thrown at us by Coscarelli now and then, followed by nothing.

Then, something happened.

In March of 2014, news started coming in saying that not only were we getting a fifth "Phantasm" film, but filming had secretly been completed. This was followed with a surprise teaser trailer the following day after the news had come out. Yes, it's really happening: we're getting a fifth, and final, "Phantasm" movie.

But no one really knows when.

Tentatively titled "Phantasm V: Ravager", the film is indeed complete, but is now stuck in the hell that is known as WAITING TO FIND A FUCKING DISTRIBUTOR. Coscarelli says we'll get it sometime in 2016, but that's not really guaranteed. Films can sit on the shelf for years on end before finding a willing distributor. Rob Zombie's "House of 1000 Corpses" sat on the shelf for almost three years after Universal backed out at the last minute until Lions Gate Films scooped it up. So who knows? We may see the film in 2016...or we may not.

Now believe me when I say, no one is happier than I am that we're getting another "Phantasm" movie that just might wrap up everything, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't hesitant a bit. There's always been years-long gaps between all the films: the original in 1979, "Phantasm II" in 1988, "Phantasm III: Lord of the Dead" in 1994, and "Phantasm IV: Oblivion" in 1998. In all that time, has the audience for "Phantasm" really gotten bigger at all? I doubt it since no one really talks about these movies much at all. Combine that with the fact that the stars of the franchise, namely Angus "The Tall Man" Scrimm and Reggie Bannister, are older than fucking dirt now, doesn't help matters in terms of progressing the story...especially considering how the last film ended...so where the fuck is this all going now? Oh, and Coscarelli isn't directing this new film. Instead he is co-writing and producing, while new guy David Hartman gets director duties.

So basically, what the fuck are we going to get here? I'm trying to keep an open mind about "Phantasm V", but it's really hard for me to do so. I know I usually cry about needing to know when to let horror franchises end and all, but the "Phantasm" franchise is one of the few horror series' I actually wanted to see another installment of.

Please, please, please, please, please don't suck. Please "Phantasm V", please be something awesome that ends the franchise on a high note and be more than worth the wait. No one wants this more than I do.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

Fuck the World.



It's hard to talk about any kind of otherwise inconsequential bullshit in the wake of tragedy. What happened in Paris just a couple days ago...yeah, sweet fucking Christ. The world is a cruel place, and mankind is its most terrible creature that inhabits it. There's no denying that. Hundreds of innocent people dead, and there will more than likely be plenty more to follow as anyone identifying themselves as Muslim will more than likely become a target of some sort or another. Thanks ISIS...or whoever takes credit for this or this gets pinned on.

So yeah, religious fanaticism strikes again. Innocent people were murdered, and more innocent people will end up being murdered in the wake of all this, because that's just how this shit works.

It's a wonderful thing right? People will hate each other and do horrible things to each other because of the color of their skin or because their god is whiter than the other's. It's senseless and stupid and is just another reminder that the world is wrong and unjust and any one of us can be snuffed out at any fucking moment.

With all that being said, I'll end this by saying that you should go out and go about your business. Don't buy into the mass media fear machine that will try to dictate what you should and shouldn't do, and may possibly try to get you to give up your personal freedom in an effort to make you "feel safer" (hi Patriot Act).

Fuck the world...for all its worth.

Recover soon Paris. Please.



Back to dick & fart jokes and horror shit next week. I've had enough of the human race for now.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Everything Sucks



Everything sucks.

That's just the way it is. The older you get, the more you feel that everything just plain sucks. Maybe that's just because as you get older, you just get more pessimistic (or as I call it, realistic). I know I do. It's hard to find enjoyment in the things that you've found so much enjoyment in over the years prior.

Take for example video games. I've played video games since I was five fucking years old when I first got my Nintendo. Ever since then, I've always had a video game console, and many of them as well. NES, Genesis, Super Nintendo, Nintendo 64, PS1, PS2, PS3, Saturn, Dreamcast, Gamecube, and a fucking Wii-U. I've gotten hours of enjoyment out of each and every one of them too, and I still do as well when the mood strikes (or when I have the time). Games today? A majority of them blow ass. Maybe it's because most mainstream games get yearly releases ("Madden", "Call of Duty", "Assassin's Creed", "Far Cry") and they're pretty much the same fucking game year after year and the masses as a whole are just too stupid to realize any different, or maybe it's because every game that comes out these days has "Day One DLC" (meaning the content was done by the time the full game itself was finished, but the publisher decided not to include it on the disc because they can get more revenue this way), season passes, microtransactions, and other bullshit that just keeps draining your wallet.

Is that what gaming has come to? I've bitched about it plenty of times before on this very blog, and have even said that this current console generation holds no interest to me, and that's not going to change at all any time soon. PC gaming is no different to me either, so the PC master race fuckholes can sit on my face.

Another thing I used to enjoy a lot? Superhero movies. I had said recently that I found "Avengers: Age of Ultron" really fucking boring, and that hasn't changed either. Now on the other hand, I really enjoyed Netflix's "Daredevil" series, so maybe this is just a symptom of the big grand scale epic flicks losing their impact on me, while a down, dirty, and gritty take on the superhero made me hard as a rock. This is something I can't really explain all that well I'm afraid, but my love to see these kind of flicks on the big screen has really died down and now in all honesty they just bore me to tears. I never thought such a day would come, but here we are.

Now lastly, there's one thing I have to get off my chest...what happened to how geeks are viewed? I remember, way back when, when we got looked down upon for being geeks. That stereotypical shit of jock meatheads beating up on the geeks and nerds? Yeah, that kind of shit actually happened quite a bit, and other people would kind of look down on you if you were super nerdy about anything from comics, to Star Wars, to video games, to whatever the fuck else didn't involve kicking around a dead pig on a football field. In that time, we went from geeks being celebrated, to geeks fighting each other over whose fandom is better (which never fucking stops being entertaining), to geeks lampooning other geeks for not sharing their fandom ("what the fuck do you mean you don't think every Marvel movie is the best thing ever? THEY ARE AND IF YOU DON'T THINK SO YOU'RE DUMB AND UN-AMERICAN!"). Again, this has become boring, disappointing...and it just makes you feel like everything fucking sucks.

So maybe the reason I think everything sucks isn't because I've gotten older and slowly more out of touch...maybe it's because everything truly does fucking suck? I don't know, I really don't...and I probably really never will either.

You know what doesn't suck? Sometimes I sit on my hand until it goes numb and then I pull my pud. That way I can pretend it's someone else doing it. I call it "the stranger". Thanks Dave Chappelle.

Saturday, October 31, 2015

Why You Shouldn't Hate HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH



The "Halloween" franchise may be the only slasher franchise where every sequel got progressively worse with each installment...except for "Halloween III: Season of the Witch".

That's right, I said it.

"Halloween III" is the best sequel in the franchise without a doubt. Yes I know, "but it doesn't have Michael Myers in it, it's horrible", blah blah blah. Well you know what? The fact that it doesn't have Myers in it makes it the best sequel in the franchise by default...once again, that's right, I said it.

See when John Carpenter unleashed the original classic "Halloween", it became a surprise super smash hit. Naturally a sequel was in order, and that's how we got "Halloween II". While Carpenter didn't direct it (though he did film some of the added gore scenes), he was still calling the shots, and intended for this film to be the end of the Michael Myers saga. That's why Michael and Dr. Loomis get blown up to a crisp at the end of the film and Laurie Strode finally gets away. Carpenter had wanted the franchise to be an anthology-style series where each movie would be its own self-contained story, hence why "Halloween III" has no Michael Myers, etc. and instead told its own story instead.

And what a story it is. An evil Halloween-mask making corporation that seeks to rid the world of those that don't appreciate the true roots of the holiday? Kids getting slaughtered by their own masks? Killer robots and shit??? Yeah, "Halloween III" has all of that (and Tom Atkins) and more, as well as probably the most catchy jingle of a song in the history of ever (Silver Shamrock!). Despite all that, the film has been reviled by audiences since its release, and still is today. Mostly because it was called "Halloween III" and had no Michael Myers. Had this film been called anything else, it still wouldn't have been a hit, but it probably would have garnered a lot more love as time went on that it has otherwise.

Now I'm not saying "Halloween III" is a masterpiece or anything, but come the fuck on, it's without a doubt the best sequel in the whole series. Don't believe me? Here's every film in the franchise broken down for you:

"Halloween" - The original John Carpenter classic.

"Halloween II" - The somewhat disappointing sequel to Carpenter's classic that wraps up everything.

"Halloween III: Season of the Witch" - The standalone movie that tells an original story with new characters that everyone hates.

"Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers" - As the title implies, Michael returns to kill his niece. This movie actually made less money than "Halloween III"

"Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers" - Michael still tries to kill his niece. Made even less money than III and IV.

"Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers" - Michael knocks up his niece (yes you read that right), is part of a stupid cult, and features Paul Rudd.

"Halloween H20" - Pretends IV, V, and VI never happened. Brings Laurie back.

"Halloween: Resurrection" - Michael kills Laurie, and gets beat up by Busta Rhymes.

"Rob Zombie's Halloween" - An unbelievably shit remake.

"Rob Zombie's Halloween II" - An unbelievably shitty sequel that at least tried to do some different things with the series as a whole...and failed miserably.

So yeah...after "Halloween III" failed critically and commercially and fans cried out for more Michael Myers, John Carpenter said "no thanks" and sold off his stake of the rights. Myers returned, the series kept going, and kept getting worse and worse. We're actually supposed to get another film sometime soon that is a sequel to the original "Halloween II"...which means everything after that never happened...which is fine because half of that didn't happen as it is right? What?

Fuck this.

Go watch "Halloween III". It's not a perfect movie, but it deserves much more adulation than it's ever gotten...and yeah, it's still the best sequel in the franchise.

Saturday, October 24, 2015

30 Years of the NES




30 years ago, Nintendo unleashed the original NES on the American populace...and things were never the same again for any of us. In the wake of the video game crash that came in the years before the release of the NES, no one wanted to touch video games. Did you know that Nintendo actually approached a still-reeling Atari in an effort to partner with so they would have an American distributor, since this was a relatively unfamiliar market for the Japanese giant. Could you imagine how different things would have been in the years to come if Atari and Nintendo would have teamed up?

Anyway, the NES was the first video game console I ever owned. Like I did before with the PS1, I've come up with a list of games here that are on the console that have meant the most to me as a kid, and still mean the most to me to this very day. Only difference is I'm just going to make a straightforward list of the 30 games that mean the most to me, instead of talking about each and every one of them. All I will say is that this is the console that introduced me (and all of us) to Mario, Castlevania, Zelda, Contra, Metal Gear, and more besides. This list is in no particular order in terms of what is the best or anything like that, so don't get all shitty if it's not in the order you prefer it to be.

So, here we go...

1. Super Mario Bros (1 & 3, not 2)
2. Castlevania
3. Contra
4. Blades of Steel
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game
6. Baseball Stars
7. Legend of Zelda
8. Double Dragon II
9. Tetris
10. Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode
11. Ninja Gaiden
12. Paperboy
13. Rampage
14. River City Ransom
15. Bubble Bobble
16. Battletoads
17. Duck Tales
18. Batman
19. Tiny Toon Adventures
20. RC Pro Am
21. Jackal
22. Mighty Final Fight
23. Mega Man 2
24. Life Force
25. Smash TV
26. Bucky O'Hare
27. Kid Icarus
28. Metroid
29. Kirby's Adventure
30. Blaster Master

So that's that, anything you guys think I missed? Anything you wanna lynch me over? Well kiss my ass, I'm old.

Saturday, October 17, 2015

A NEW "FRIDAY THE 13TH" GAME?!??!?!



Holy fucking hell there's going to be a new "Friday the 13th" game coming out? And you get to play as Jason fucking Voorhees? And you get to hunt down horny camp counselors? And it's loaded with blood, guts, and nudity? And it's officially sanctioned by original film director Sean Cunningham?

This is too good to be true.

Well, the game isn't quite created yet. It's actually on a Kickstarter campaign at the moment that is gaining some steam. The game itself is a multiplayer-style affair, as one player plays as Jason and seven other players take on the roles of his would-be victims as they try to hide from our favorite hockey mask-wearing, machete-wielding mass murderer. Yes, you read all that right.

This has all the recipes to be something awesome.

Then again, this also has all the recipes to be a disaster.

Considering this is a Kickstarter game, who knows if it will ever see the light of day. It just might (I honestly think it will, albeit not as soon as many would hope), but that possibility is there in the forefront given the history of video games trying to get going via Kickstarter. That being said, considering it has the OK from Sean Cunningham, and all the press it has gotten so far, this could be the game that makes us forget about that NES abortion from the late 80s...you know, that game that is probably one of the worst video games ever made?

No I'm not fucking exaggerating, that NES "Friday the 13th" game fucked me in the head so much as a kid that whenever I throw stones or rocks, I automatically make them curve upwards over their intended targets. Don't get that reference? You're lucky and I'm happy for you. You do get that reference? Then we know each other's pain.

Anyway, I truly hope this game sees the light of day, and I hope it's what we all are yearning for it to be. Either way, I can't wait to play it.

Oh shit wait, I said I'd never buy a next-gen console...and it's only going to be on PS4 and XBox One...

...shit.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Superhero Movies Are Boring Me to Tears



Once upon a time, superhero movies were two things: rare, and rarely good. You'd never know that today though. It feels like there's a new one coming out every month or so. Most of them are pretty high quality too in terms of budget and production, which is a far cry from how shit used to be back in the day. The Marvel movies in particular always seem to have super production values and are wonderfully polished, etc. That's why they make a shitload of cash in theaters after all...because they're pretty, they're from Marvel, and they're the cool thing for now...

...and they have bored the hell out of me lately.

There used to be a time when I ate this shit up like it was fucking opium-flavored cereal, but that time is long gone. Case in point: I watched "Avengers: Age of Ultron" last night and I was bored to tears. I'm not saying it's a bad movie or anything, because it certainly isn't. There's nothing bad about it in all honesty, it's just that I was flat out bored. How could I be bored about all the action and mayhem happening on screen? Well, it's the same problem that most, if not all, of the Marvel movies have: the stakes never seem all that high. Even though the climax of every single Marvel movie is a goddamn massive battle of some sort, it never feels like there's some massive shit happening that's going to have massive ramifications.

Now to explain another point, look at "Man of Steel", and no, I'm not saying DC movies are better than Marvel, so don't get your fanboy panties in a bunch. Anyway, despite its flaws, "Man of Steel" felt like the stakes were extremely high, with half of a city being obliterated and thousands of people meeting their end as two superhumans battled each other. In real life, if such beings existed and duked it out, this is what it would be like (granted if this works for being a Superman story is another entry for another day, but I digress). We feel invested because this is some major world-shattering shit happening that will end up having major ramifications down the road. With the Marvel movies, we all know they're gearing towards Thanos and all that, which is all well and good and I'm excited to see that, because finally it'll be a Marvel movie with some major stakes on the line.

And speaking of Thanos, maybe the reason it never feels like there are major stakes is because we know he is where all the Marvel flicks lead, so nothing else will come close to matching him? Or, maybe it's because every time Marvel looks like they're going to kill off a character (Fury, Coulson), they bring them back in a dumb ass way (they're not really dead). I mean that's not a surprise since that's been Marvel's calling card in comics for decades (anyone who dies isn't really dead), whereas in DC when they off a character, they are deader than shit and actually get resurrected.

Regardless, it all boils down to personal preference I guess. I just wish this shit didn't bore me so much nowadays. There was a time when I loved everything about superheroes and comic books, etc. Maybe I finally grew up in my 30s?

Nah, growing up is for pussies.

As you're reading this, I'm literally sitting in my recliner typing this, eating Count Chocula and watching "Rocco's Modern Life". Fuck the world.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

"The Babadook", "It Follows", and How Hype Kills Horror



Hype can be a terrible thing, especially when something in the horror genre receives mainstream praise.

Case in point are two very recent films that seemed to do similar things when they got hyped up by pretty much everyone. "The Babadook" and "It Follows". Both films are supernatural in nature, with "The Babadook" revolving around a mentally fragile mother and her physically draining you son contending with a monster, while "It Follows" finds a young girl haunted by a demonic entity that gets transmitted like an STD. While both films have plenty of subtext and underlying themes, etc.; both of them also received a shitload of acclaim from the mainstream press.

For hardcore horror fans, mainstream recognition and acclaim is usually the kiss of death to the rest of us.

Now amongst many of MY ilk (i.e., people that don't consider "The Ring" the greatest thing ever), we tend to not like either movie, but it seems like "The Babadook" gets a more positive reaction to "It Follows". From my own personal view, I surprisingly enjoyed "It Follows" quite a bit, and I totally fucking hated "The Babadook". In fact, I consider "The Babadook" the most overrated horror film that I can remember of this decade. I can understand why many didn't seem to enjoy "It Follows", but I really enjoyed it.

Anyway, personal tastes aside, when a horror movie gets any type of mainstream press or positivity, it's usually because something about it is designed to appeal to a mainstream audience in the first place. Horror movies can range from being truly scary to just plain sick and shocking for the sake of being sick and shocking. For those of us who have pretty much seen everything the genre has to offer, it usually takes a hell of a fucking lot to impress us. For a mainstream audience that doesn't usually go for this type of thing, it takes a hell of a lot less to impress them.

That is why with horror, and pretty much everything else, when you hear the hype train coming with everyone hopping on it, you should probably ignore it until you see the product for yourself to decide if it's worthwhile or not.

Also whatever you do, don't watch "The Babadook". You'll want to rip your own eyeballs out and shove knives in your ears. If you've had the displeasure of seeing it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't seen it...don't. Just fucking don't.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

More "Prometheus"? More "Alien"? MORE SHIT!



Remember a while back when I talked about Neill Blomkamp making a new "Alien" movie? Well yes, that's still happening (allegedly), but that's not the only "Alien"-related film we'll be getting. Ridley Scott, director of the original "Alien" and its recent, less than well-received semi-prequel "Prometheus" has announced that the latter film is indeed getting a sequel, albeit with a brand new title that literally almost none of us really saw coming:

"Alien: Paradise Lost".

So much for not being a prequel and just a separate, stand-alone film that takes place in the same universe huh?

That was the line of shit we were given before and during the original release for "Prometheus" in 2012 and beforehand, that it wasn't a traditional prequel, but would tell its own story, just in the same universe. Considering how lukewarm the reception for that film ended up being, it's not surprising that the suits at Fox more than likely told Scott "make it a straight prequel to fucking 'Alien', right fucking now". In fact, that's what I'm betting actually happened.

For all its flaws, I found "Prometheus" to be an intriguing film. It was predictable and not as enjoyable as I had hoped it would be, but it is beautifully shot, well-acted, and the surgical "abortion" scene is fucking horrifying. It just didn't end up being as epic in scope as we had all hoped it would be, and honestly made little sense in the grand scheme of things...which pretty much meant from the get-go we were going to get a sequel no matter what.

So now that's not just one, but two "Alien"-related films are on the horizon (with Scott allegedly producing Blomkamp's film as well). Who would have thought? "Alien Resurrection" in all honestly should have been the final nail in the "Alien" franchise's coffin (I don't count the "Alien VS Predator" movies) and here we are now in 2015 knowing that we're getting a couple more...and also knowing that both will probably kind of suck if we're being honest with ourselves. They'll look beautiful for sure, but will more than likely suck donkey cock.

Now I know I'm being a negative nancy as usual and such, and believe me no one is hoping these films are amazing more than I am, but I've been through this too much with this fucking franchise to know much better.

Is there any way we can get Lance Henriksen to star in both films? Please?

Thursday, September 24, 2015

20 Years of the PS1



It's hard to believe that the original Playstation is 20 years old. It really doesn't seem like it was that long ago that I got my hands on one for the first time. Not since maybe the original NES was there ever a console in our lifetimes that was such a total game changer like the PS1. Everyone owned one, literally fucking everyone you can think of had the original Playstation.

To celebrate 20 years since the launch of the original Playstation, I'm going to reminisce a bit. I'm going to list 20 games that mean the most to me, or namely the 20 games that come to mind when I think of the fun and sometimes flat-out amazing times I had with my PS1 way back when. Now this isn't a "best of" list or anything of the sort, because some of the games I'm about to list are just plain terrible, but these are the ones I played the most, and thus have become kind of endearing to me because of it.

Strap yourselves in folks...

CASTLEVANIA: SYMPHONY OF THE NIGHT

Yeah, you knew this would be on here. I grew up with "Castlevania" since the NES days. Playing a "Metroid"-style take on the franchise was a new thing at the time, and it was (and still is) immensely enjoyable. This was before the internet and strategy guides (for the most part), so when the castle flips upside down after you think you beaten it made my head explode.

METAL GEAR SOLID

I vaguely remember playing "Metal Gear" on the NES as a kid. It frustrated the hell out of me (still does) mostly due to the archaic stealth elements. Here, all that has been put in a 3D environment beautifully. Packed with surprises, engaging characters, and a brilliantly designed game engine; this game was way ahead of its time, and influenced hordes of duplicates and rip offs for years to come.

NHL FACEOFF

This was one of the two games I got as a gift when I first got my PS1. Playing it now makes you realize how far hockey video games have come over the years, but for its time, this was fucking amazing. Fast, super fun, and featuring some really cool 32-bit effects. Its follow ups would kill it, but the original "NHL Faceoff" will forever hold a special place in my heart.

STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE

...and this piece of shit was the second of the two video games I received as a gift. It's terrible, really terrible. Not unplayable terrible, but terrible nonetheless. There's way better fighting games on the console than this, but at the time, I really enjoyed what this had to offer...which tells you a lot right there about how easy to please I was back then.

RESIDENT EVIL 2

With all the nostalgic love I have for the original "Resident Evil", its first sequel is what made me feel like I was playing a zombie movie. Genuinely surprising, shocking, and filled with massive environments, "Resident Evil 2" remains the best game in the franchise of the 32-bit era. Nothing else comes close.

2XTREME

Another relative piece of crap, "2Xtreme" is the sequel to the PS1 launch title "ESPN Extreme Games" (which would be re-titled "1Xtreme" in future re-releases) that features a whole bunch of EXTREME (but not really) races. It's simple, and relatively torturous to play now, but like I said, back then I was really easy to please.

JET MOTO

Another simple, and relatively shoddy, racing game. This time though you're on weird hoverbike-type things and there's Mountain Dew logos everywhere. Awesome soundtrack and really easy to pick up and play to this very day.

TWISTED METAL 2

I love the original "Twisted Metal", but the sequel is when the series really hit its stride and carved an identity for itself. Darker, more intricate, and featuring a variety of unforgettable characters, this remained the best in the series until "Twisted Metal: Black" for the PS2. Still a total fucking blast to play.

SILENT HILL

The first survival horror game I ever played that genuinely freaked me the fuck out, the original "Silent Hill" took the technological limitations of the PS1 and managed to use them to its advantage with super atmospheric fog effects and creepy environments. Though it hasn't aged all that well, it's still creepy as all hell.

PROJECT: OVERKILL

An isometric shooter that in all honesty is boring as sin, "Project: Overkill" packs a lot of blood and gore into basic shooting mechanics. It isn't anything special, but once again like I said, I was easy to please. I enjoyed it back then and this was actually the first PS1 game I actually completely beat. For that alone, it has a special place in my heart.

TEKKEN 3

I fucking love "Tekken". I always have, and no matter how shitty the series has gotten, I always will. As much as I played and loved the first two games, it was "Tekken 3" that really did me in. For its time, it looked gorgeous and played so silky smooth that it really was like playing the arcade game at home. That, and the tons of additional modes and hidden characters give it so much replay value that I literally spent YEARS playing the hell out of it.

WIPEOUT

I didn't own a Super NES in my youth, but a friend of mine had one, and we played "F-Zero" nonstop. "Wipeout" is all that and more besides. The first game in the long running series, this game made my fucking eyes bleed. Well, it felt like it anyway.

DESTRUCTION DERBY 2

As much as I enjoyed the first game, its first sequel flat out murdered the original. More modes, more cars, more destruction. And it's insanely fun to play to this very day despite its drawbacks.

GRAND THEFT AUTO

The original GTA is pretty primitive today, but it was the beginning of open world carnage. For its time, it was shocking what you could do in the game, and it was fun going around murdering and stealing cars. Playing it today...well, it's terrible, but back then, it was something really special. I played the hell out of it.

WWF SMACKDOWN!

I'm a sucker for wrestling games, and the first "Smackdown!" game was so damn fun and surprisingly deep for its time. Unlike THQ's WCW games for the N64, the first "Smackdown!" game was a little more arcade-y and offered a ton of different options for matches. Plus it had all the belts and even options to set up your own programming match schedule as well. Super fun.

EINHANDER

I'm a sucker for shmups too. "Einhander" was unlike a majority of them, offering some relatively cool 3D effects to go along with the 2D side scrolling. It played a lot like "R-Type", but not as hemorrhage-inducing. It's also fairly pricey on the eBay market for some reason as well.

PARASITE EVE

A mix of survival horror and RPG, the first "Parasite Eve" tells a surprisingly mature story while piling on blood and guts. I've never been much of an RPG fan, but the story of "Parasite Eve" ensnared me and I couldn't wait to see what would happen next. Still awesome.

GUILTY GEAR

2D fighters were disappearing when the original "Guilty Gear" was released. It offered some surprisingly well animated (the PS1 really wasn't that good at 2D games, especially when compared to the Sega Saturn) and memorable characters, as well as a super kickass soundtrack. It's also spawned numerous sequels and spin-offs which have plundered my wallet over the years to come.

SPIDER-MAN

Comic book character-based video games tend to suck, especially back then (thanks Acclaim). Activision got the "Spider-Man" license and ran with it. For the first time ever, you felt like you actually WERE Spider-Man (mostly). It utilized his rogues gallery really well, and had a nice number of cameos from other Marvel heroes. Plays like shit today, but the game engine was also used for Activision's massively popular "Tony Hawk" games.

ALIEN TRILOGY

Back in the day, I played a lot of first-person shooters. Playing one based on the "Alien" franchise on a home console was a new thing for me, and this delivered. Playing like "Doom" with Xenomorph's, "Alien Trilogy" is still fucking good to this day...even if its story makes absolutely no fucking sense.



Well, that's it. That's my 20 Playstation games that have a special place in my heart. Like I had said, a lot of these are far from the best the classic console has to offer, but goddammit, they mean something to me.

That's all for now folks. See y'all soon.


Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Victor Salva Needs to Go Away



News has been circulating a bit lately that there’s finally going to be a third “Jeepers Creepers” movie. For those that may be unfamiliar with the franchise, the “Jeepers Creepers” movies were surprise hits in the early 2000s, drawing a split reaction from viewers (people either seem to love them or hate them) and raking in a surprising amount of cash. A third film has been speculated for over a decade now, and it looks like we’re finally getting it. What has been the holdup on “Jeepers Creepers 3” you might ask?

Well for starters, writer/director Victor Salva is a convicted pedophile.

Years back before Salva made a name for himself with the “Jeepers Creepers” movies, or even with his mainstream 90s hit “Powder”, Salva made a horror film called “Clownhouse”. During production of that film, Salva recorded himself molesting his 12-year old male lead. Eventually it would be discovered with Salva only serving 15 months of a much longer sentence. Needless to say, he got off with a slap on the wrist.

Now you can all say that he paid his debt to society, etc., but the fact remains that Victor Salva is a piece of fucking shit. I try to keep this kind of crap off this blog and page, but since everyone is talking about how they can’t wait for “Jeepers Creepers 3”…well, there you have it. To this day the man is involved in some very shady dealings and stories, and is pretty much blackballed from most of the film industry (except for the few that always seem to say, “come on, give him another chance”).

Salva deserves no more chances. He didn’t deserve any of the ones he got after “Clownhouse” either. And in all honesty, we don’t deserve to have to fork over money to see any of his work. As sick as it is to say, his notoriety for his crime has gotten him more attention and support than this piece of shit ever deserved to have in the first fucking place.

Keep in mind: I’m not saying you should boycott “Jeepers Creepers 3” or anything, I’m really not. That is your decision. But there’s no forgiving and forgetting for pedophiles. There’s no therapy or rehabilitation that can snap them out of it. There probably never will be. I know I sound condemning as all hell here, but I also know damn well that I’m not the only one that feels this way.

Fuck you Victor Salva.

Sunday, September 6, 2015

STOP WITH THE FUCKING TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE MOVIES!!!



Oh fucking hell, they're doing it again.

I've talked at great length before about how Hollywood just won't let certain franchises die, whether it be "Friday the 13th", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", or "Halloween", so I guess we can add "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" back to that list too. We're getting a prequel (and seriously what is this, like the eighth fucking prequel already?) focusing on the origins of Leatherface.

Yes, we need to have Leatherface have a fucking origin story.

Why is it now that these slasher icons from yesteryear now have to have so much exposition and origins given to them when they get remakes/reboots? Did we really need to see a young Michael Myers grow up in an abusive home with a stripper mother to give us a reason as to why he was the way he us? Remember the old explanation that he was just "pure evil" and that was it? Guess what? That actually fucking worked. The whole origin story given to him for the millennial generation certainly fucking didn't.

So with that in mind, what kind of possible fucking origin could Leatherface possibly fucking have? Let's see: fucked up looking kid, probably gets bullied, has fucked up family life (cannibals are usually pretty dysfunctional am I right?), and discovers catharsis in wielding chainsaws.

I think that will probably be more or less what we'll get with this new flick. See? This soulless bullshit, shameless cash-in garbage practically writes itself with little reason for forethought. Remember that abortion that was "Texas Chainsaw 3D"? I distinctly remember telling you fuckers not to lay down your hard earned cash to see that piece of shit, and you know what? You all did anyway. That movie was just disrespectful to fans of the franchise for a number of different reasons, and this new one probably won't be any different either. Now do as I say this time and DON'T GO SEE THIS FUCKING THING.

The only time we'll stop getting half-baked retreads on old franchises is when we all stop paying to see them. In regards to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" itself though, let's look at the overall chronology of films in the series so far shall we?:

We have the 1974 original...

...followed by Tobe Hooper's 1986 sequel starring Dennis Hopper...

...followed by a third film (called "Leatherface") that was equal parts sequel and re-working of the original kind of...

...followed by "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: New Generation" (only famous for starring a pre-fame Matthew McConaughey and Rene Zellwegger) which was a remake in itself...

...followed by the 2003 remake that made a shitload of money...

...followed by the 2006 prequel to the 2003 remake that was just plain awful...

...followed by the cinematic abortion known as "Texas Chainsaw 3D" which claims to be a direct sequel to the ORIGINAL film from 1974.

You guys get all that?

Yeah, let this franchise die already. I know I say it all the damn time, but this is the one case where I think we can all agree that it has to die, and die right fucking now.

Then again, maybe we'll get a cross-dressing Leatherface again?

Saturday, September 5, 2015

What Happened to Mega Man?



I've always had a severe soft spot for Mega Man. I have many fond memories of playing the original ones, particularly "Mega Man 2", on the NES in my youth. I never had a Super NES while it was being supported, so I missed out on "Mega Man VII" and the first "Mega Man X" games until years later. "Mega Man 8" I played the shit out of on PS1, and I was never that bowled over with "Mega Man Legends". In the years to come, I ended up playing all the ones I'd missed, beating most of them as well. So yeah, I fucking love Mega Man.

A few years back, Capcom finally decided to give the fans what they wanted, and released the long awaited "Mega Man 9" and "Mega Man 10" as downloadable titles in the classic 8-bit style. They were mostly awesome, but goddammit, we still want more. What have we gotten? Jack shit is what we've gotten. There were a number of various Mega Man games that Capcom had in development at one point or another, all of which got shitcanned. That in itself is a damn shame, but the true shame about all this is that it looks like Capcom is just burying the whole franchise. Other than letting him appear in the recent "Super Smash Bros." game as a playable character, there's no new Mega Man-related game on the horizon at all.

Well, unless you count "Mighty No. 9", which is going to be ultra mega tits when that finally comes out, but that's another story.

Anyway, there was a time when Mega Man was the only real franchise Capcom was really known for by a majority of people. Before "Street Fighter II" ruled arcades and before "Monster Hunter" ever came around, Mega Man WAS Capcom. So why bury it? There's obviously still a desire and need for classic, challenging, 2D side scrolling action. I just don't fucking understand why they'd bury it like they have.

And oh yeah, I know there's been some re-release of the first six games of the series that literally just came out, but that doesn't count. The old Mega Man games have been repackaged and revamped so many times that it's just become redundant at this point. Get your shit together Capcom, for the love of fucking Gawd, get your shit together.

Sunday, August 30, 2015

Remembering Wes Craven



Wes Craven has lost his battle with brain cancer at the age of 76. The man lived a good, long life and was already known as a horror legend before his passing. Looking back on the man's filmography, including just what all he's had his fingers in over the years, really helps in terms of fully appreciating what all Craven lent his talents to.

While claiming to have helmed some pornographic features back in his early days of filmmaking, Craven really burst onto the scene with the infamous "The Last House on the Left" in 1972. Afterwards he brought us the original "The Hills Have Eyes", as well as the underrated "Deadly Blessing" and a hysterical adaptation of "Swamp Thing". But it was in 1984 when he unleashed "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and introduced us to slasher icon Freddy Krueger that really cemented Craven as a true icon of the genre. He would follow that with "The Serpent & The Rainbow", "Shocker", "The People Under the Stairs", "New Nightmare", "Deadly Friend", "Vampire in Brooklyn", and the "Scream" franchise as a director, while serving as a producer on a number of various horror flicks including "Mind Ripper", "They", the "Wishmaster" series, and "Dracula 2000", as well as remakes of "The Hills Have Eyes" and "Last House on the Left".

A lover of classical music, Craven even ventured outside horror to helm the 1999 "Music of the Heart" starring Meryl Streep. Though I was never a fan of the "Scream" films, they have their place in horror history for re-invigorating the slasher genre in the 90s (for better or worse), which wouldn't have been possible without Craven's slick and imaginative direction. The man did more to legitimize the horror genre than anyone else from his era of filmmaking. For that, he will always be beloved.

So sadly, even though Wes Craven has passed on, he leaves behind a body of work that many of his contemporaries can barely rival. He was special as a man, and as a filmmaker, and his work remains iconic all these years later, and always will forever more.

Rest in peace Wes, you've earned it.

Why We Still Love "Mystery Science Theater 3000"



It's hard to believe that it's been over 15 years since "Mystery Science Theater 3000" left the airwaves. A show that somehow impossibly ran for over a decade between Comedy Central and The Sci-Fi Channel, MST3K touched a chord with viewers that enjoyed comedy, riffing, and movies in general. For some reason, even after all this time off of the air, the show still manages to resonate. Why is that exactly?

Well for starters, riffing on shitty movies never gets old. Like ever. Anyone can riff on a super shitty movie to help make the viewing experience of said shitty movie more enjoyable. That will never change, which you can tell considering MST3K leads Mike Nelson, Kevin Murphy, and Bill Corbett continue to riff on shit movies with Rifftrax (and in between MST3K and Rifftrax, the short lived The Film Crew).

As for MST3K itself, it's managed to stay relevant all these years later because it's just timeless. Riffing on movies is timeless in itself, but actually being legitimately funny in doing so helps make it all the more truly timeless. It helps that somehow a lot of the jokes made during specific films ("Werewolf", "Future War", "Manos: The Hands of Fate", and "The Beatniks" come to mind) somehow still manage to hold up. Don't ask me how, but they do. That in itself is a total fucking accomplishment and something that many, many other TV shows from the era fail to do.

I still watch old MST3K episodes, usually as background noise whether I'm working, reading, or masturbating. The fact that they're so readily available on physical media and online streaming just goes to show you that there's still a large demand for the show as a whole. Maybe one day Mike (or Joel) and the bots will make a true comeback. Could you imagine a new take on MST3K, with them watching newer shitfests or going back through the shitfest catalogue of yesteryear? I wish, I really, really, wish.

If you have only faded memories of MST3K, or never checked out the show at all, you missed the fuck out. Go remedy that. Right now. Thank me later...and thank YouTube and Shout! Factory too.

Friday, August 28, 2015

What Scares Me the Most?



I'm going to tell you all something that not many people know about me.

No, it's not that I masturbate with peanut butter. This is the digital age, and because of that, you all already know about it.

No, I'm going to tell you all about the one sub-genre of horror that truly freaks me the fuck out.

It's not zombies. It's not ghosts. It's not torture. It's not even fucking clowns.

It's aliens man. Motherfucking aliens.

When I was a kid, maybe about five or six, I accidentally saw "Communion". It was a shit movie adaptation of Whitley Striber's supposedly "true" chronicle of his experiences with alien abduction. The film starred Christopher Walken as Striber, and featured the typical big-eyed and grey styled alien beings haunting him. Watching the movie now makes me wonder how this ever scared me at all, but looking back on it, that shit stuck with me.

Just the look of the beings by itself freaks me the fuck out to this very fucking day. Thinking about it now though, I realize that it just isn't their appearance that gives me the creeps, it's every fucking thing else about them. The fact they're from another world. The fact that they can get you in the middle of the night, or whenever they want because they have the technological means to do so, makes you feel way more vulnerable than any slasher villain ever could. Not to mention the fact that say, you did get abducted by aliens and they did weird stuff to your butt...no one would ever fucking believe you. Ever.

That shit is fucking scary.

I'm probably going to get laughed at by you fucks for this. "Oh this hardcore horror fanatic is scared of something so fucking stupid". Well, to that I happily say, blow me. We all have one dumb fear that creeps us the fuck out. Mine just happens to be taken away in the middle of the night, shot across the galaxy, having my cock and ass prodded, then shipped back to Earth buck naked in a cornfield and have no one believe me about it.

Then again, no one believed I once porked a pornstar way back when, but I did.

No seriously, I did. Spoiler alert: it was awesome.

Anyway, on a serious note, I'm sure you'll probably find this unbelievable too, but I do believe that we're not the only intelligent life in the universe. Granted I don't necessarily think anyone is coming to earth to jam things up random people's asses, slaughter cattle, or make crop circles, but I do believe these fuckers actually exist...and that scares the hell out of me.

That's the one thing that ties us all together: every one of us has a legitimate fear of the unknown. It's a natural feeling, there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it's true. And there is nothing more unknown, and terrifying, than something inherently alien to everything you know to be true.

Also, to close here, I did totally bang a pornstar. Dead serious. Best two minutes of my life.

Friday, August 21, 2015

The Death of Practical Effects Work



Very recently, footage of some amazing practical effects work done on the unnecessary 2011 prequel to "The Thing" (which for some reason was also titled..."The Thing"...huh, I guess originality is bankrupt even in creating the titles of needless prequels) surfaced on the internet. The outcry from horror fans has been deafening, mostly because this is some truly amazing effects work...and just about none of it was seen in the finished product, and replaced with thoughtless CGI effects. I've personally never seen this 2011 prequel, mainly because John Carpenter's 1982 film (which in itself is a remake of "The Thing From Another World") is fucking perfect and probably the best horror film of the 80s.

Trust me, go watch this footage.

Anyway, seeing these practical effects, as well as the CGI effects shots that replaced them, got me thinking about something that I've thought about many times in the past, and all this does is re-affirm that thought: practical effects are a dying fucking breed.

I remember going to see "The Devil's Rejects" in 2004, and realizing that the gunshot wounds were CGI. I realized this because they blatantly look totally unbelievably fake. Was it really cheaper to do this than to use traditional squibs? Or was it more time and shooting effective to do so? Probably a mixture of both. Now I'm not knocking the work that goes into making CGI shots of any kind: it's something I know I'd never be able to do...but for me, any originality or craftsmanship that would go into practical effects work gets totally lost in translation.

Recently, makeup legend Rick Baker retired from the industry, more or less citing that as CGI has become the norm, his services and the services of many of his contemporaries and others in the practical effects business, are going the way of the dinosaur. CGI does make some otherwise impossible effects become possible, that's true...but it takes away that sense of realism that practical effects could always conjure up. Remember Rob Bottin's disgusting effects in the 1982 "The Thing" that were frightening and brilliantly crafted? Or Baker's iconic werewolf transformation in "An American Werewolf in London"? We don't see things like that anymore these days, and that's a total goddamned shame.

I know I may be sounding like an angry and out of touch old man again, but in this case I feel totally justified in being so. One of the reasons the 1982 "The Thing" is revered so well is because of its iconic effects work. Virtually no one remembers anything about the 2011 prequel, and there's good reason for that. It may not be all because of the cruddy CGI effects, but at least if the film itself sucked, you'd still be able to say "those practical effects are awesome" and get some amount of enjoyment out of it in spite of itself.

There's still practical effects wizards like Greg Nicotero that pretty much run what's left of the practical effects business, but despite that, it can't help but feel like that era is rapidly closing. Some may think that's a good thing because it may be cost effective and faster, etc., but to someone like me, it's a damn shame.

Long live ingenuity, practical effects, the art and craftsmanship that went into making those old moments so damn memorable.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

"EXORCIST" TV?!?!?!?!?!



So this is happening I guess.

There's a possibility that we're getting more "Exorcist"-related shit. Don't ask me why though because I can't fathom anyone actually wanting a remake or a reboot or a re-whogivesafuckingshit of "The Exorcist", but it looks like we're getting one in the form of some kind of limited TV series. Or something.

We really shouldn't be surprised in all honesty. Everything gets remade, or "rebooted", which is now the preferred term for studio execs with limited imagination that only want to spend their time counting cash instead of attempting to help come up with something creative or even push for someone to come up with creative. It's all a load of horseshit if you ask me, as I sit here on my rocking chair on my porch yelling at these fucking kids to get the fuck off of my lawn before I stare at their hot cougar mother through the peephole I drilled in their house.

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah. Anyway, we see everything from "Robocop" to fucking "The Stepfather" get remade (sorry, REBOOTED) these days, so should be really be surprised that something as beloved and revered as "The Exorcist" is going to get plundered? I mean for fuck's sake I'm surprised that no one has tried to make a new bullshit version of "Jaws" with a CGI shark...and now that I've said that, I'm sure THAT will be in preproduction before today is out.

Maybe a serialized TV take on "The Exorcist" is a far better idea than having some rehashed bullshit take on it be thrown into theaters nationwide, considering that horror TV has had a resurgence in recent years to pretty okay effect (mostly), so this might not turn out too bad. Well, as long as it's not on prime time network TV that is. Regardless, I'm not thrilled about any of this because all it does is reaffirm the fact that the bankruptcy of original ideas isn't going away any time soon...if ever.

Nope, nope, and nope. I'll stay in my hole like the grumpy old man I am and continue staring at the cougar. If no one hears from me, don't fear, I'll be perfectly fine. Maybe.

Your mother sews socks that smell...

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

"TWIN PEAKS" IS BACK?!?!?!?!?



Over the past few years, we've seen lots of reboots and revivals of classic properties for the sake of mining our nostalgia to scrape just a little bit more cash from us. These have ranged from all sorts of things including "Star Trek", "Robocop", "Terminator", "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles", "Total Recall", and tons more, with even more upcoming like "Star Wars", "The X Files" and more on the horizon as well. Some of them get well received in terms of critical response and box office, but most do not, and justifiably so. Some of this shit should never be touched, seriously. In fact, many often question just why go back to the well like this for these properties to begin with? Is Hollywood that bankrupt for ideas that they have to keep going back? No, not really...they just want whatever can produce a quick turnaround and has a high chance of breaking the bank, that's all. That being the case, it's just shocking that some of this shit would get modern revitalizations, some of it is the last shit you'd expect to...

...like "Twin Peaks".

The serialized TV drama that entertained and mystified audiences in the late 80s/early 90s before flying into a ratings tailspin and getting cancelled by ABC is coming back to Showtime. Filming is supposed to start sometime before the end of this year, and probably premiere sometime next year. David Lynch is returning to direct every episode, of which there were originally nine planned, but has since been expanded well into double digits. We're finally going to get some kind of closure on the cliffhanger that left us with our jaws on the floor over 25 years ago.

Yes, everything you read in the above paragraph is actually fucking happening. This is not fake, not an imaginary tale, this is all actually fucking happening. I don't know how, and I don't really care either, all I know is that this is actually fucking happening.

What a time to be alive.

For those that may be unfamiliar, "Twin Peaks", for at least most of its existence, was unlike any other show to hit network TV in its time. It certainly wouldn't work on network TV today, which is why it's a great thing that it's on Showtime this time around instead of ABC. That being said, every single serialized TV show to come out in its wake owes its existence to "Twin Peaks". There'd be no "Lost" or anything of its ilk were it not for "Twin Peaks", which mastered the art of withholding secrets, using cryptic messages, and generally frustrating the viewer. Despite all that though, somehow this show managed to be kind of masterful.

Since this announcement was made, there has been a little bit of drama to go with it. Originally announced as nine episodes, Lynch bailed on the project, which left its future in doubt. Eventually things got ironed out, and reportedly Showtime has given Lynch full creative control over the whole affair. This both mystifies and terrifies me all at once. I have a lot of love for David Lynch, but so much of his recent work borderlines between being brilliant and him fully inserting his head up his own ass. I imagine that the end result of this new take on "Twin Peaks" could probably fall somewhere in the middle.

Also since the announcement was made, I've been rewatching the show from the beginning, concluding with the "Fire Walk with Me" movie. Now the tone of the movie itself is one thing I truly hope the new series doesn't fully reflect, but that's kind of what I'm expecting. This isn't network TV. There won't have to be any soap opera elements or careful editing and cutting away or hinting at certain things like sexual violence, etc....Lynch can go balls to the wall if he truly wants to, and part of me thinks he will, which like I said above, could go either way.

No matter how it all turns out, the fact we're getting more "Twin Peaks" in the 21st century is a marvel in of itself. I know I never thought anything like this would ever happen, and I'm sure not many other people did either. But we're getting it, for better or worse, and I am seriously truly hoping that this turns out to be something truly fucking great.

Anyone else want some coffee and pie?

Saturday, August 8, 2015

ANOTHER "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET" REMAKE?!?!?!?!?!



We're getting a "A Nightmare on Elm Street" reboot...for the second time.

Wait, what?

Yes that's right, after the 2010 reboot of the beloved slasher series, we're going to get ANOTHER reboot as well. Why? Was the reception to the 2010 reboot really that bad?

Well...yes, it was. Reception to that was never good to begin with...and it was never going to be. I can't speak for that film myself, because I've never ever seen it. I refused to from the minute I heard about it. While I gave new takes on "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" a chance in the past, I refused to give one to "A Nightmare on Elm Street", and I still won't.

Now why have I given the newer takes on "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" a chance whereas I didn't give one to the new "Elm Street"? Well there's a few reasons. For starters, the remakes/reboots/re-whogivesafuckingshit of "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th" were shit (granted I actually kind of enjoyed "Friday the 13th"), but we knew they'd be shit going into it. At their hearts, they're just simple slasher fare that features an invincible killer pitted against horny teenagers. The "Elm Street" franchise has always been a lot more high concept than the rest of its slasher ilk. Freddy Kruger haunts your dreams, which means that anything is possible to happen. Even in the worst films of the "Elm Street" franchise, the deaths are super creative. With a modern day reboot produced by Michael fucking Bay, the word "creativity" just doesn't exist. That's why we knew beforehand not to even bother with it; we already knew it'd be total fucking garbage...and hey, we were right.

So because we were right, we're being punished again with ANOTHER reboot. That's right, they're not going to stop beating this dead horse until they can squeeze just a little more cash out of it and get a whole "new" franchise out of it with more sequels, prequels, then more remakes and reboots of those sequels, etc.

Come the fuck on. Those beloved slasher icons from the 70s/80s like Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Michael Myers, etc. are everlasting because when we first saw them, the films they appeared in were actually good and original and we wanted to see more of them. It was only after a while that we got sick of it all because it winded up being the same old shit, but at least most of those franchises tried to re-invigorate themselves by injecting some new blood now and then without going the remake route (at least at first).

So yeah, we're getting another "Elm Street" whether we want it or not. I think since we didn't want one the last time, what's really changed in the last five years that makes Hollywood execs think we'd want one now?

Don't give into this guys, save your money and time for something at least somewhat original. It's better for all of us that way, plus for the industry as a whole.

Fuck this.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

ANOTHER "FRIDAY THE 13TH"?!?!?!?!?!?!?



Ho-hum, we're getting another "Friday the 13th" movie...or remake...or reboot...or whatever you wanna call it. Just like every other slasher franchise from back in the day, "Friday the 13th" will never die...and you know what? I think that's actually a good thing...at least in the case of this franchise.

Contrary to what many in the horror community thought, I actually surprisingly enjoyed the 2009 remake/reboot of "Friday the 13th". I understand why many did not, I truly do, but for me personally it delivered the goods in everything that fans of that franchise look for: blood, plenty of boobs, smoking pot, and a very physically imposing Jason Voorhees. Like I said, it wasn't for everybody, but I enjoyed the shit out of it.

Now that brings us to this next new take on the franchise. Normally I'd be shitting all over it and screaming for it to "please die"...but in the case of "Friday the 13th", this is probably one of the absolute few franchises that I never want to die. Why? Well, quite frankly, this franchise hasn't gotten the shaft put to it as much as others of its ilk like "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"; both of which have seen numerous sequels, remakes, reboots, prequels, and other sequels that don't count anymore. Both of those franchises are damaged so bad that any new films to come out for either are just...well, they're dead on arrival.

Now I know what you're going to say: "but we had movies with Jason going to hell and him in space and him fighting Freddy! You're a hypocrite!" To that, I would agree with you (mostly), but at least the franchise hasn't been fucked over time after time like those previously mentioned. Maybe I'm just partial because the "Friday the 13th" franchise is probably my favorite slasher series, but even the worst sequels in the series are better than any of the recent films to come out with "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw" attached to it.

Now, since we are getting another "fresh" take on "Friday the 13th", depending on how things with it go, maybe we'll eventually have that final nail in the coffin of the franchise hammered upon us if it gets fucked with too much. That wouldn't surprise me in the least honestly, and I'd have to be pretty naive to think that day would never come. That aside, I can still get behind another take on it...for now that is.

Just remember: smoke pot, have premarital sex, and try not to get slaughtered in the process.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

Hulk Hogan is Stupid...but Don't Kill His Legacy



I really didn't want to touch this situation with a ten foot pole, but I guess I'm going to anyway....shit.

Anyway, apparently Hulk Hogan made some kind of racist rant...that wasn't really so much a rant as most are spinning it, but that doesn't negate the fact that the Hulkster still said some...well, calling them "questionable" is an understatement, but no matter how you look at it, it doesn't change anything. Hogan said some shit he really shouldn't have said, and that's the end of the story.

Predictably, Hogan got fired from WWE...and apparently they are working on scrubbing Hogan's history from their record books, etc.

That in itself is a bit overkill don't you think?

Now Hogan getting shit-canned is one thing, but wiping away his whole history in the business is something else entirely. He was the focal point of pro wrestling as a whole attaining heights that the business had never come close to reaching before. He turned into a multi-national, global phenomenon. I know every single kid in my generation got turned onto pro wrestling because of Hulk Hogan (mostly), and then years later got re-wrangled back into wrestling when Hogan did his legendary heel turn as leader of the nWo.

To put it lightly, pro wrestling wouldn't be close to what it is today without having Hulk Hogan as the face of the business.

Like I said, I can understand firing him over it (which is really just WWE pulling damage control and nothing else, anyone that knows anything about the business knows that Vince McMahon isn't quite ethnicity friendly), but wiping away his legacy? That's overkill. Why do you ask? Well, think about it like this:

Ultimate Warrior, who was inducted into the Hall of Fame last year shortly before he passed away, was a known bigot and homophobe, professing as such during his public and motivational speaking days.

"Macho Man" Randy Savage, who was just recently posthumously inducted into the Hall of Fame, allegedly boned Vince's then underage daughter Stephanie, and was also known as a total control freak behind the scenes that led to many fallouts with fellow wrestlers as well as his real life ex-wife (and on-screen manager) Ms. Elizabeth.

Scott Hall, AKA Razor Ramon, who was also recently inducted into the Hall of Fame, was and is known as a notorious drug addict, alcoholic, and overall violent man that legitimately KILLED a guy decades prior.

Other guys that have huge legacies with the company and wrestling as a whole, like Shawn Michaels, Ric Flair, Jake "The Snake" Roberts, X-Pac, and more besides, have done their fair share of scummy shit over the years that has become public knowledge, but regardless of that have good standing with the company somehow. The only wrestler whose legacy was erased by WWE was Chris Benoit, which was totally justifiable, but then again, he murdered his fucking family. Hulk Hogan said ignorant and overall stupid shit. He was punished accordingly, it should be left at that. Especially after so many other wrestlers who have worked with him over the years have come out and supported him in the wake of this, even those of color.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating Hogan's idiotic comments in the least, I just think things are getting taken a bit too far. I'm sure I'll get called out on it, which is one of the reasons I haven't said much about it since the news broke. Either way, don't pretend that the man didn't put his all into his profession, because that's almost as ignorant as the shit that spewed from his mouth that got him fired.

Oh, and if it's one thing that should get Hogan's legacy erased, I'd say it's a dead heat between the unintentionally hilarious sex tape he was a part of, and starring in that one "3 Ninjas" movie. Fucking hell.

Friday, July 31, 2015

200TH BLOG SPECTACULAR!! (Not really)



Holy shit.

So this is my 200th blog entry on this fucking thing huh? I really can't believe I've done that many. Granted I started doing this like five fucking years ago, so I'm actually probably kinda long overdue I guess...but sometimes real life gets in the way (and it did and still does) and I just had to step away from this bullshit for a while.

Now that we're here at 200, I think that this is the time to do some reflection...mostly at what things are becoming currently here, and what I want them to become in the long term. In the beginning, I talked about all kinds of bullshit that interested me: hockey, video games, comics, comic book movies, and of course the horror genre. My interest in a number of those things has seriously deteriorated over the past couple years or so, so I've decided to mainly focus on horror bullshit because that's really one of the few things I have left that I really feel passionate about these days.

Now as much as I love the horror genre and (nearly) everything about it, I realize this isn't everyone's cup of tea, and that's totally fine. I've always been torn as to wanting to utilize this kind of thing to make a name for myself or just do this for therapeutic reasons...but I've kind of hit a crossroads lately in terms of that. I want to branch out into other things besides having to type assorted bullshit and lists about things that a majority of people have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about...but at the same time, branching out is fucking terrifying. I know what I'm good at, and I know what I want to talk about the most, so the horror biz stuff isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

Anyway, I'm exploring some options at the moment in terms of how to make this whole thing evolve. Whether it be through videos or changing up the style of how I do this shit (and yes, I've gotten quite sick of Blogger...there I said it), we'll just have to wait and see what happens until some things in my personal life get settled, and I know where I stand to really start making this thing move forward.

In the meantime, I'm happy to say that some other projects I've either had a hand in or am just a part of appear to be taking off. I can't say anything about them yet, but when I can, this and Facebook is where I'll be announcing them. It's nice to finally see something come to fruition that has my name attached to it in some way that doesn't involve me getting arrested for a change.

In terms of you fine people, my audience, I want to hear more from all you. Whether it be in the comments section here, or on the Nick's Nonsense & Nightmares page, or even on my own personal Facebook page; please sound off on what you want to see and/or feel free to give any thoughts and advice. I know I don't have a gigantic audience, and that's quite alright...I'd rather be known in circles I respect than have widespread recognition any day of the fucking week.

So yeah, that's it for 200 blogs. No big song & dance or anything, just me shitting all this out right here for...well, for shits and giggles. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my cold, black heart for sticking with me, reading my material, following me on Facebook, buying my shit on Kindle, and overall supporting me in every single way imaginable that you have. I love you all, and I'm glad that all of you sexy bastards seem to enjoy me for some odd reason.

See y'all in the funnybooks folks.

Why We Love "Rowdy" Roddy Piper



My heart broke when hearing about the passing of "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. Undoubtedly one of the best talkers in pro wrestling history (and quite possibly THE best), Roddy Piper made quite a lasting impression, not just on me, but on our whole generation. The fact that he managed to accomplish such a thing without ever being a massive mega star like Hulk Hogan, "Mach Man" Randy Savage, or The Ultimate Warrior, isn't just impressive, it's fucking astonishing.

His amazing shit-talking on the mic combined with his legitimate in-ring skill made Piper a surprising fan favorite...considering he was a heel (AKA, a villain for those unfamiliar with pro wrestling terminology). In fact, Piper was recently voted the best heel in WWE history if I'm not mistaken. How did he manage to accomplish such a feat? Because even though we were supposed to hate this guy, we pretty much couldn't. And if we did, we loved to hate him. His magnetic personality and natural charisma made him one of the absolute greatest character wrestlers of his era.

Not to mention the fact that, for me personally, Piper starred in one of my all time favorite horror films: John Carpenter's "They Live". Piper would go on to star in other sci-fi and action fare; most of which were direct to video trash, but despite that, Piper always came off as likeable and never turned in a shit performance that I can recall off the top of my head.

In my early teens I met Piper (very briefly) at a WCW show during the nWo era of the Monday Night Wars. He was warm with a big 'ol shit-eating grin on his face. Years later, I came across him several more times at various horror conventions, and his magnetic personality shined through in the midst of a surprising amount of people begging him for autographs. I say surprising because I always thought that people that were/are wrestling fans would think it a bit weird if I'd tell them my favorite wrestler from that 80s golden age was Piper...but the true surprise came at a number of those cons when I realized just how much he meant to so many people.

That was "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. The masterful shit-talker. The man that could put on a five-star match with no problem no matter who he was put up against. The man who went from wrestler into acting and back again without losing a beat. The man who had natural born attitude that was always more than just a "character".

Rest in peace Roddy. We miss you already.

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Why "The Walking Dead" Should Die.



Where do I begin?

I remember over a decade ago when I first heard about "The Walking Dead". It was a new comic from Image that was in black and white and promised a never-ending zombie apocalypse survival story...and it delivered. It provided many memorable characters, genuine shocks, and a legitimate feeling of surprise because you never knew what the fuck was going to happen next. Fan favorite characters would get whacked out of nowhere, and it introduced one of the best villains in the history of modern comic books.

In the process of becoming a smash hit comic book (and this was right before the zombie craze really took off mind you), "The Walking Dead" also spawned a smash hit TV show (and an upcoming spin off of said TV show), hordes of merchandise, action figures, and all kinds of other shit too. Needless to say, Robert Kirkman's "The Walking Dead" has become a global phenomenon and sale juggernaut in just a little over a decade.

So why don't I give a shit about the property as a whole anymore?

Well, to put it bluntly, I got bored. Sad as it is to say, I just got bored. I don't mean just with the TV show either (THAT is a whole other story), but the whole damn property just bores the shit out of me. The same goes for the comics. We're well over a hundred issues (I think it's close to 125ish if I'm not mistaken?), and I tuned out long before that. I mean the idea of a never-ending zombie epic sounds good on paper, but after a while, what else can you really do with it? I mean we've had some sick fuck villains, but everything after The Governor just didn't feel as scary honestly (including Negan, that's right I said it). Same formula: "we have to move, it's not safe...okay we moved we're safe...fuck, we're not safe, these people aren't who we thought they were"...rinse, repeat. Not to mention the fact that we all know anyone can die at any moment...but we all know that Rick and Carl (to a lesser extent) are pretty much untouchable. The only time one (or both) of them bite the dust is when the series comes to an end...and that's probably not happening anytime soon.

Creator Robert Kirkman recently said in an interview that he (paraphrasing here) has a vision for where the series (meaning the TV show, not necessarily the comic) will conclude. Now it's easier to have a comic book run for hundreds of issues than for a TV show to run for ten seasons mind you, but it's just the point that this dead horse is going to keep getting beaten into oblivion. Like I said, after a while, how much more shit can you really pump out in this kind of thing that doesn't feel stale?

Now I know that this whole media juggernaut has a rabid fanbase, and that's all well and good. "The Walking Dead" as a comic managed to help Image Comics really challenge Marvel and DC as a big time comic book company, the comic itself managed to re-invigorate the horror comic genre, and the TV show was the beginning of seeing more horror shows hit the TV airwaves. So yeah, it has its place in history without a doubt...

...but everything has to come to an end sooner or later. And maybe "The Walking Dead" should be laid to rest...finally.

Friday, July 24, 2015

25 Years of "Cowboys From Hell"



25 years ago, an album was dropped upon the world that changed the metal scene forever…yes, forever. That album? Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”. While it wasn’t their first recorded material to see the light of day, this was their major label debut, and it became a surprise hit in the process.

“Cowboys From Hell” contained numerous heavy, yet somehow surprisingly catchy, songs that combined elements from Pantera’s glam-rock roots with much heavier rhythms. The opening title track? Fucking classic. “Cemetery Gates”? Also fucking classic (and the very first Pantera song I ever heard in my youth). “Domination”? One of the band’s most notable songs with an insane drum performance that made Vinnie Paul one of the all time kings of thrash metal drumming.

Phil Anselmo demonstrated impressive vocal range on “Cowboys From Hell”, managing to hit high notes that he could rarely hit in the years to come (then again, this was before he murdered his voice with the years of drinking, smoking, and drugs), along with the shredding guitar work of the late, great Dimebag (then called “Diamond”) Darrell. Rex Brown’s pumping bass lines and Vinnie Paul’s aforementioned drum assaults all combined to let the world know that metal music was phasing out of the glam-rock era, and evolving into something new and heavier with little to no compromises.

That in itself is the legacy of Pantera as a whole. They never compromised in terms of what was “hot” at the times they released their five studio albums. Though 1992’s “Vulgar Display of Power” and 1994’s “Far Beyond Driven” I feel are better all-around albums than “Cowboys From Hell”, it doesn’t negate the fact that this was the album that announced to the world that Pantera was here to do something a little different, and helped forge a legacy that just can’t be fucked with.

Now do yourself a favor: go listen to “Cowboys From Hell” from beginning to end. Maybe it’ll be the first time in a long time, maybe it’ll be the first time period. Either way, go do it.

Thank me later.

Thursday, July 23, 2015

The Case For...and Against...a New "Alien" Film.



In terms of film franchises, there are very few that are as near and dear to me as the "Alien" franchise. Much like my beloved "Terminator", the "Alien" franchise received too many ill-advised sequels (and like "Terminator", should really have just ended with the first sequel) and even two eagerly anticipated (?) mash-ups with "Predator" that were...well, it'd just be better for everyone if we all just forgot about those flicks wouldn't it?

To put it bluntly, the "Alien" franchise has had enough shit thrown at them that it's really starting to stink.

As we all know, the original "Alien" is an absolute classic of horror and suspense. "Aliens" took things in a more action-oriented direction, but is still super fucking enjoyable and one of the best sequels, to any film, ever made. The much maligned "Alien 3" is a steaming turd...yet I've somehow developed a shocking amount of admiration for it over the years, considering all the behind the scenes drama and bullshit that surrounded it (and subsequently to this day is something that David Fincher doesn't want to talk about). "Alien Resurrection" is shameless garbage that has no reason to exist, and ended up being the final nail in the coffin of the franchise until the "Alien VS Predator" films years later...and then just a couple years ago Ridley Scott came back to make "Prometheus", which is touted as a quasi-prequel to "Alien", but divided fans and critics alike because NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING!

With all that in mind, a couple months ago director Neill Blomkamp ("District 9") leaked sketches detailing his take on an "Alien" film, which subsequently excited all of us fanboys, and even managed to convince 20th Century Fox to give him the reins to make a new "Alien" film. Can you believe that? The guy who helmed one of the most surprisingly awesome sci-fi films in recent memory will be helming a new "Alien" film that brings back Sigourney Weaver (and somehow Michael Biehn...uh huh...) and will somehow restore one of cinema's most beloved screen monsters to prominence.

Then I remember that this is Neill Blomkamp, who also crafted the severely underwhelming "Elysium" and "Chappie".

Fuck.

Now I don't want to be a negative nancy more so than usual, but maybe this is something we all shouldn't get too excited about maybe? Remember how excited we were for Ridley Scott making "Prometheus"? How'd that turn out again?

I guess what I'm saying is that I want the "Alien" franchise to stay dead and buried, mainly because I don't want to see it turn out like "Terminator", which has become a joke of a franchise that featured two classic films that got shit all over by subsequent sequels that shat all over the legacy forged by their forbearers.

Then again, the prospect of a new "Alien" film made by the guy responsible for "District 9" is boner-inducing, I won't lie. It's against my better judgment, but maybe it won't be so bad...if it ever does indeed see the light of day that is. Maybe it won't happen at all, the plug will get pulled, and the "Alien" franchise can stay put in the dirt for a little while longer. Maybe.

Oh well, at least if we get a new "Alien" movie from Blomkamp, at least it will look really pretty...I just hope I don't end up throwing my own feces at the movie screen in the process.