Saturday, April 28, 2012

Why We Don't Need Any More "X-Men" Movies

Marvel has a number of popular characters, some of which outshine others like Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, the Fantastic Four, and more besides. However, there’s one group of Marvel characters that often get thrown into their own mix of stories and continuities outside the rest of the Marvel universe more often than not…

…and I’m talking about Marvel’s merry Mutant cashcow known as the X-Men.

Numerous cartoon adaptations, toys, novelties, and plenty more; the X-Men have been ingrained in our brains as being the premiere supergroup with an ever-growing cast of characters and teams. With all that popularity comes the X-Men feature films, beginning in 2000 with “X-Men”, and continuing in 2003 with “X2: X-Men United”, which remains not only the best X-Men film yet, but one of the best superhero movies ever made. After that, things kind of got a little shitty…2006’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” was unbelievably bad, and 2009’s “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” didn’t fare much better.

2011 saw the release of “X-Men: First Class”, which detailed the origins of Professor X and Magneto and just how they came on opposing sides. When images and press of the film were first released to the public, many laughed their asses off at how ridiculous it looked and expected something absolutely abysmal, but then something strange happened: the movie really didn’t suck so much. Granted I thought it sucked, but not as horrible as I had guessed it would be. Many others threw undeserved heaping amounts of praise upon the film, but honestly only because they went into it with expectations so low that they were wowed when it wasn’t that much of a steaming pile of dogshit. It made money, so naturally, there’s going to be more X-Men films on the horizon…which leads me to my point…

…we don’t need any more fucking X-Men movies.

A Wolverine sequel is on the way, and they’re about to start filming a direct sequel to “First Class” relatively soon as well. Why? Because people love the X-Men and are willing to lay down their cash to see X-Men movies no matter how fucking shitty they end up being. And Hollywood executives, i.e. Fox (who own the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related) know this all too well, and will continue to pump out one X-Men flick after another after another.

Being a comic book geek, the one thing I notice about the X-Men flicks is how screenwriters consistently throw in all different brands of X-Men characters (heroes and villains alike) into the plot and use the most basic of an outline of some comic storyline from the past and then try to stir it all together. In “X2”, it worked out magnificently, but since then, every X-Men flick has just been one big fucking mess. Will these upcoming X-Men movies be any different? Probably not…actually, it will be more than likely that they’ll suck just as bad.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more X-Men movies. I’m at the point that I don’t want any more X-Men movies even if they wind up being good. One thing that attracted me to the X-Men as a kid was that these characters were misunderstood, hated, and reviled by everyone. I related to Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Gambit, Nightcrawler, and the rest of the crew unlike any other comic book character before or after, and the films after the second installment for the most part have never, ever been able to really re-create that feeling of persecuted Mutants protecting a world that hates and fears them.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more shitty X-Men flicks. We don’t need them, we never really have, and seeing baby-faced, pretty boy actors playing mutant heroes and villains just doesn’t feel right. Oh yeah, and Hugh Jackman ain’t gettin’ any younger either folks.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Laying the Non-Playoff NHL Teams to Rest.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when 16 NHL teams qualify for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And that time of year when the 14 teams that didn’t make wonder what might have been. For all 14 teams that didn’t make the cut, it’s time to properly eulogize them, because really for some of these clubs, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have made the cut in the first place. In other words…R.I.P., and see y’all next year.



After the years of mismanagement at the hands of Darryl Sutter, it’s a wonder this team even got as close as they did to making the big dance. Because of this, we lay the Flames to rest, as well as the hopes that they’re two bright shining stars in franchise captain Jarome Iginla and star goalie Miikka Kiprusoff will retire wearing the flaming C on their sweaters. They’ll be gone in order to hasten a true rebuilding effort, which is what this club has so desperately needed for so very long. In the end, it’ll be bittersweet, but the chance to see both stars have a chance at actually winning something with different teams is of no one’s fault but Flames management.


After doing so well in the beginning of the season, the Stars just couldn’t stay consistent when it mattered most. As a result, we now lay the Stars to rest because in the end they just couldn’t muster up the testicular fortitude to win when it counted. True, they were much better than many had predicted they would be after star center Brad Richards spurned them for the bright lights of New York, but if it’s one phrase that should be etched on the Stars’ tombstone, it should read “too little, too fucking late”.


Two seasons ago, the Avs overachieved with a young team. Last year, they imploded and were beyond horrible. This year, the Avs were a better group, but like the Stars, they couldn’t win when it mattered most. We lay my beloved Avalanche to rest thanks to lackluster coaching, and a general managed in Greg Sherman that obviously doesn’t know how to truly make a team better. You don’t make a team better by barely spending to the cap, you don’t make a team better by trading your first round draft picks for an overrated and oft-injured goaltender (Semyon Varlamov), and you certainly don’t make your team better by signing spare parts players to fill top-six roles (Chuck Kobasew anyone?). Those days of Sakic, Forsberg, and Roy seem so, so long ago…


Believe it or not, there was a time this season when the Wild were the best team in the league. Yeah…that didn’t last all that long. When you can’t score but you play great defense, you can win games. But when your one key player (Mikko Koivu) gets hurt for a substantial period of time and your defense turns to shit overnight, you don’t win games anymore. In fact, you lose quite a few of them. The Wild were so pathetic down the stretch that it boggles the mind how with all the moves this team made in the off-season, they still wound up being just as lackluster as many predicted they would be. So we lay the Wild to rest, but just like the style they play, the event is so boring that everyone falls asleep during the ceremony.


Holy. Mother. Of. God. What happened to the Ducks? They stumble out of the gate just playing absolutely horrible, shit-can their coach, and hire the recently shit-canned Washington Capitals coach Bruce Beaudreau to work the same kind of magic with this team that he did when he first came on with the Caps. Yeah…how’d that work out again? With all that, we now lay these Ducks to rest, but at least there is some promise that this team can be competitive again in the near future. Whether that future includes future Hall-of-Famer and Duck for life Teemu Selanne remains to be seen. If it doesn’t, it’s sad to see Teemu go out anywhere less than being on top.


Another year in the basement, another draft lottery pick. Granted this is how many assumed the Oilers would do anyway, so it isn’t like it’s a colossal disappointment. Rookie sensation Ryan Nugent-Hopkins proved he’s the real deal in an injury-shortened debut campaign, while second year pro Jordan Eberle had a star-making season. That, and Captain Canada himself Ryan Smyth made a welcome return to his beloved Oilers, which provided both wonderful nostalgia and a woeful reminder that the man is getting a little too long in the tooth for all this shit. So we lay these Oilers to rest (again) but the flame burning for the future has never looked brighter for this franchise…ya know, as long as they start drafting some blue-chip defensemen this time around instead of more fucking forwards.


Ah yes, the asshole of the Western Conference, and the NHL as a whole. The Jackets were so damn bad that they ran their big off-season acquisition Jeff Carter out of town, and even managed to make franchise cornerstone Rick Nash want to finally pack his bags and get the fuck out of dodge. Not that I blame Nash, the guy generally wants to win, and he finally realizes that he sure as shit ain’t gonna do that in fucking Columbus. The most mismanaged team in the NHL for the last decade; the Jackets are going to go nowhere fast. They can try rebuilding the roster (again and again) all they want, but it won’t do any good. As we lay these Blue Jackets to rest again, let us take the time to consider laying them to rest for good. Winnipeg finally got an NHL team back, and there are more deserving cities that want and need an NHL team. Whether it be Quebec, Hamilton, or even Kansas fucking City, Columbus is the asshole of the NHL, and nothing but shit has spewed from it since the team first broke into the league.



Big things appeared to be on the horizon for the Sabres entering this season. They got a mega-rich owner, acquired some high profile players, and appeared poised to do some serious damage in the NHL. Alas, nothing went well for the team from the opening puck drop. The Sabres fell apart from the beginning, and though the team heated up down the stretch, it was another case of too little, too fucking late as they just narrowly missed getting in the playoffs. So we lay these Sabres to rest, but thankfully they’ll have the financial backing for a grand Viking funeral. A grand Viking funeral that costs a lot of cash and just leaves you wanting more…ya know, just like the fucking team.


Another team that it was thought big things were on the horizon for, the Lightning fell apart as well, but this was mostly thanks to the abysmal goaltending from 40-some year old Dwayne Roloson. I always called GM and legendary Red Wings captain Steve Yzerman a genius in progress, but this time around he really screwed the pooch. At least he has the cupboard stacked with prospects and draft picks though, so the future doesn’t appear so bleak. And oh yeah, some guy named Steven Stamkos scored 60 goals this year too. So, we lay the Lightning to rest, but like the Oilers, the future looks pretty damn bright.


The team formerly known as the Atlanta Thrashers stayed in the thick of the playoff race for a while, but faded when things really counted. Still, even though we’re laying these resurrected Jets to rest now, the fact that the Jets even exist again is reason enough to celebrate. And goddamnit, the sound of those home crowds. Just watch any clips of Jets games this year, and I guarantee that you will not hear a building erupting like that anywhere else in the NHL. Not in Pittsburgh, not in New York, not even the hockey Mecca’s of Toronto and Montreal. Winnipeg is back, and even though they missed out on the post-season, having them back is a truly wonderful thing.


Getting off to the hilariously disastrous start of the season, the ‘Canes got a new coach, but kept the same schmucks on their roster. They managed to appear to turn the corner eventually, and the ‘Canes brass believes that this season was only an aberration and that they are much better than they seemed to be. Yeah, about that… Let’s face facts, the ‘Canes suck. They’ve made the playoffs twice since the lockout. Yeah they won a Cup in the first post-lockout year, but that was the true aberration. In fact, a lot of things that happened that season could be seen as aberrations…such as the magical run of the Oilers, Scott Gomez scoring 30 goals, and Peter Forsberg playing for the Flyers. Anyway, we lay the Hurricanes to rest, and there’s reason to believe they’ll be stinking up their grave for some time to come.


For a good chunk of the season, the Leafs appeared poised to finally make their ravenous fans happy and get in the playoffs. Then, shit just went fucking nuts. They catastrophically fell apart after the All-Star break, shit-canned their coach, and just kept on losing and losing and losing. So, again, we lay the Leafs to rest. And we might as well not even bother covering the casket in dirt either. After all, it ain’t like this team is fucking going anywhere any time soon.


Every time we think the Isles are actually going to make some big time progress and not suck, they come back and surprise with just how much they do suck. They have an offensive stud in franchise center John Tavares, and for all the good moves that GM Garth Snow does make, his nigh-retarded owner/boss Charles Wang just keeps sticking his dick in the ass of the franchise again and again. Somebody please, buy this once proud franchise to bring it back to its former glory. With all that being said, we again lay the Islanders to rest, in the hopes that someone will come along and bring them back from the dead…eventually.


Does it make me a bad hockey fan because I oh so love when the Habs do horribly? Talk to any Canadiens fan, and they’ll beat your head in with all the shit about winning 20-some Cups in their storied history. And that’s just what they have, history. They haven’t won the Cup since 1993 and their management situation is in utter disarray. Combine that with a cavalcade of bad contracts and a fan base that is practically insane, and there you are. So now, we lay the Canadiens to rest, and I implore you all to do what you can to refrain from pissing and shitting all over the grave. On second thought…na, fuck it, go ahead.

ENJOY THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Your Guide to Properly Enjoying Easter

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is satirical (for the most part) and not meant to be taken seriously in the least. While I myself am an atheist and don’t believe in any of this Easter or Jesus stuff, I am in no means shit-talking those that do believe in this sort of thing. We live in a free country and have the right to believe or not believe in whatever we want to. For example, I don’t believe in omnipotent beings passing judgment on us, but I do believe in evolution, where as a majority of Christians believe in said omnipotent being but believe evolution is ludicrous and that those that believe in it should be publicly executed as an example for those that speak against God. In other words, relax folks; I’m just trying to have a bit of fun here.

Oh shit, it’s Easter. That time of year when we’re all reminded that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and such…and we get reminded of that constantly. So what does Jesus rising from the dead have to do with rabbits and coloring eggs? Fuck if I know, but that’s the way things are for whatever reason, and if you believe any different, well…shame on you and all that I guess. In celebration of Zombie Jesus day, here’s a list of how to properly celebrate this bullshit holiday:

Eat a rabbit

Fuck a rabbit

Fuck then eat the rabbit

Drop some acid then attempt egg coloring and pray that your head doesn’t explode when you start seeing swirling colors

Watch that episode of “South Park” where Stan questions the intricacies of Easter and slowly realize that holy-fucking-shit this makes a whole lot of sense

Go on an Easter egg hunt naked

Go find an Easter egg hunt in progress while dressed up like the Frank rabbit from “Donnie Darko”, find a random kid and tell him about when the world will end

Watch a marathon of quasi-Easter-related films: “The Crow”, “Dawn of the Dead”, “Last Temptation of Christ”, etc.

Hate yourself because you’re Catholic and it’s your fault Jesus was killed in the first place

Repeatedly punch yourself in the crotch for reading this blog


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

5 Reasons Why We Love Batman

“The Dark Knight Rises” is well on its way, so over the next couple months it’s safe to assume that we’re all going to be bombarded with anything and everything Batman-related. With that in mind, it’s time to take a look at just why we love Batman as much as we do. A character so iconic and who has meant so much to so many, trying to pinpoint exactly why we love Batman isn’t an easy thing to do…but goddamnit, I’m going to try. So here we are to count down the top 5 reasons why we fucking love the goddamn Batman.

5: No superhero has more monumental stories than Batman.

“The Dark Knight Returns”. “Year One”. “The Killing Joke”. “The Long Halloween”. “Dark Victory”. “A Death in the Family”. “Birth of the Demon”. “Hush”. And many, many more. No other comic book character has had as many monumental storyarcs as Batman. Not to mention the fact that no other superhero character has had such a bevy of talent work on him over the years like Batman has. Frank Miller, Alan Moore, Brian Bolland, Jeph Loeb, Tim Sale, Jim Starlin, Marv Wolfman, Jim Lee, Grant Morrison, Brian Azzarello, Denny O’Neil, Scott Snyder, Greg Rucka, Jock, Chuck Dixon, Paul Dini, Bruce Timm, James Robinson, and countless others have all lent their talents to various Batman titles and helped craft their share of brilliant stories in the process. There is no other comic book character in existence that has had this many iconic stories presented to us by so many talented individuals that it only means one thing: they’re all as drawn into Batman as the rest of us are.

4. He has no superpowers.

How the hell does someone manage to dress up in tights and beat criminals to a pulp without super strength or any other superpowers? Batman isn’t invulnerable, have X-ray vision, or can run at superspeed. Instead, he must rely on his ultra-keen wits, his sheer athleticism, and an unprecedented determination that NO ONE in comics could ever hope to match. He doesn’t do what he does because he feels he has to; he does it because he believes that he is needed to do so. Combine that with the fact that he’s such a brilliant detective that it makes Sherlock Holmes look retarded, and you have a superhero that puts his peers to shame.

3. He’s the ultimate anti-hero.

Batman doesn’t take shit from anyone, hero or villain. He does his own thing with little regard over how he is perceived by others, and folks, that’s just plain fucking badass in itself. His only real rule, to not kill, is what separates him from other popular anti-heroes like Wolverine, The Punisher, or Spawn. The fact that he walks that fine line between being a true super hero and a costumed killer is also what makes us so drawn to him. That dark side that Batman embodies is what we all desire to unleash in the real world, and seeing him do just that while ensuring that the right thing gets done in the process is what helps make Batman such an awesome character.

2. Where does he get those wonderful toys?

Being a billionaire industrialist has its perks. Namely having a superhero alter-ego that you have the cash to bankroll numerous inventions and gizmos needed to take down your enemies. The Batmobile, the Batwing, the batarang, the classic grappling hook, and tons, tons more; all these gadgets are nearly as iconic as Batman himself. I mean Christ, where the hell would he be without that damn grappling hook in the first fucking place? That, and wouldn’t you love to drive around your neighborhood in an ultra-sleek, flames-shooting-out-the-back-end Batmobile? I know I fucking would…

1. The villains.

Part of what has made Batman such an iconic superhero character is the fact that no one has as much iconic villains as he does. In fact, there is literally no other superhero that has as rich a rogue’s gallery as Batman does. Superman, Spider-Man, the X-Men, and The Flash come close to having their own assortment of iconic villains, but they can’t come close to topping Batman. We know them all almost by heart: Joker, Two-Face, Penguin, Catwoman, Riddler, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, Bane, Ra’s Al Ghul, The Scarecrow, Killer Croc, Solomon Grundy, The Mad Hatter, Man-Bat, Hush, Clayface, Victor Zsasz, Harley Quinn, Firefly, and many, many more. These villains help make Batman as iconic a character as he is because no other superhero has the sheer amount of villains that help push their counterpart to the limit like Batman’s do. And for all the evil that Batman’s rogues manage to do, he still won’t give in to them and kill; he’ll never become anything like them. It’s that sheer will, the determination, the never say die attitude that these villains bring out in our hero that make him so damned endearing, and nearly no other villain can say the same for their hero counterpart.

That’s all for now folks, see y’all in the funnybooks.