Sunday, September 27, 2015

More "Prometheus"? More "Alien"? MORE SHIT!

Remember a while back when I talked about Neill Blomkamp making a new "Alien" movie? Well yes, that's still happening (allegedly), but that's not the only "Alien"-related film we'll be getting. Ridley Scott, director of the original "Alien" and its recent, less than well-received semi-prequel "Prometheus" has announced that the latter film is indeed getting a sequel, albeit with a brand new title that literally almost none of us really saw coming:

"Alien: Paradise Lost".

So much for not being a prequel and just a separate, stand-alone film that takes place in the same universe huh?

That was the line of shit we were given before and during the original release for "Prometheus" in 2012 and beforehand, that it wasn't a traditional prequel, but would tell its own story, just in the same universe. Considering how lukewarm the reception for that film ended up being, it's not surprising that the suits at Fox more than likely told Scott "make it a straight prequel to fucking 'Alien', right fucking now". In fact, that's what I'm betting actually happened.

For all its flaws, I found "Prometheus" to be an intriguing film. It was predictable and not as enjoyable as I had hoped it would be, but it is beautifully shot, well-acted, and the surgical "abortion" scene is fucking horrifying. It just didn't end up being as epic in scope as we had all hoped it would be, and honestly made little sense in the grand scheme of things...which pretty much meant from the get-go we were going to get a sequel no matter what.

So now that's not just one, but two "Alien"-related films are on the horizon (with Scott allegedly producing Blomkamp's film as well). Who would have thought? "Alien Resurrection" in all honestly should have been the final nail in the "Alien" franchise's coffin (I don't count the "Alien VS Predator" movies) and here we are now in 2015 knowing that we're getting a couple more...and also knowing that both will probably kind of suck if we're being honest with ourselves. They'll look beautiful for sure, but will more than likely suck donkey cock.

Now I know I'm being a negative nancy as usual and such, and believe me no one is hoping these films are amazing more than I am, but I've been through this too much with this fucking franchise to know much better.

Is there any way we can get Lance Henriksen to star in both films? Please?

Thursday, September 24, 2015

20 Years of the PS1

It's hard to believe that the original Playstation is 20 years old. It really doesn't seem like it was that long ago that I got my hands on one for the first time. Not since maybe the original NES was there ever a console in our lifetimes that was such a total game changer like the PS1. Everyone owned one, literally fucking everyone you can think of had the original Playstation.

To celebrate 20 years since the launch of the original Playstation, I'm going to reminisce a bit. I'm going to list 20 games that mean the most to me, or namely the 20 games that come to mind when I think of the fun and sometimes flat-out amazing times I had with my PS1 way back when. Now this isn't a "best of" list or anything of the sort, because some of the games I'm about to list are just plain terrible, but these are the ones I played the most, and thus have become kind of endearing to me because of it.

Strap yourselves in folks...


Yeah, you knew this would be on here. I grew up with "Castlevania" since the NES days. Playing a "Metroid"-style take on the franchise was a new thing at the time, and it was (and still is) immensely enjoyable. This was before the internet and strategy guides (for the most part), so when the castle flips upside down after you think you beaten it made my head explode.


I vaguely remember playing "Metal Gear" on the NES as a kid. It frustrated the hell out of me (still does) mostly due to the archaic stealth elements. Here, all that has been put in a 3D environment beautifully. Packed with surprises, engaging characters, and a brilliantly designed game engine; this game was way ahead of its time, and influenced hordes of duplicates and rip offs for years to come.


This was one of the two games I got as a gift when I first got my PS1. Playing it now makes you realize how far hockey video games have come over the years, but for its time, this was fucking amazing. Fast, super fun, and featuring some really cool 32-bit effects. Its follow ups would kill it, but the original "NHL Faceoff" will forever hold a special place in my heart.


...and this piece of shit was the second of the two video games I received as a gift. It's terrible, really terrible. Not unplayable terrible, but terrible nonetheless. There's way better fighting games on the console than this, but at the time, I really enjoyed what this had to offer...which tells you a lot right there about how easy to please I was back then.


With all the nostalgic love I have for the original "Resident Evil", its first sequel is what made me feel like I was playing a zombie movie. Genuinely surprising, shocking, and filled with massive environments, "Resident Evil 2" remains the best game in the franchise of the 32-bit era. Nothing else comes close.


Another relative piece of crap, "2Xtreme" is the sequel to the PS1 launch title "ESPN Extreme Games" (which would be re-titled "1Xtreme" in future re-releases) that features a whole bunch of EXTREME (but not really) races. It's simple, and relatively torturous to play now, but like I said, back then I was really easy to please.


Another simple, and relatively shoddy, racing game. This time though you're on weird hoverbike-type things and there's Mountain Dew logos everywhere. Awesome soundtrack and really easy to pick up and play to this very day.


I love the original "Twisted Metal", but the sequel is when the series really hit its stride and carved an identity for itself. Darker, more intricate, and featuring a variety of unforgettable characters, this remained the best in the series until "Twisted Metal: Black" for the PS2. Still a total fucking blast to play.


The first survival horror game I ever played that genuinely freaked me the fuck out, the original "Silent Hill" took the technological limitations of the PS1 and managed to use them to its advantage with super atmospheric fog effects and creepy environments. Though it hasn't aged all that well, it's still creepy as all hell.


An isometric shooter that in all honesty is boring as sin, "Project: Overkill" packs a lot of blood and gore into basic shooting mechanics. It isn't anything special, but once again like I said, I was easy to please. I enjoyed it back then and this was actually the first PS1 game I actually completely beat. For that alone, it has a special place in my heart.


I fucking love "Tekken". I always have, and no matter how shitty the series has gotten, I always will. As much as I played and loved the first two games, it was "Tekken 3" that really did me in. For its time, it looked gorgeous and played so silky smooth that it really was like playing the arcade game at home. That, and the tons of additional modes and hidden characters give it so much replay value that I literally spent YEARS playing the hell out of it.


I didn't own a Super NES in my youth, but a friend of mine had one, and we played "F-Zero" nonstop. "Wipeout" is all that and more besides. The first game in the long running series, this game made my fucking eyes bleed. Well, it felt like it anyway.


As much as I enjoyed the first game, its first sequel flat out murdered the original. More modes, more cars, more destruction. And it's insanely fun to play to this very day despite its drawbacks.


The original GTA is pretty primitive today, but it was the beginning of open world carnage. For its time, it was shocking what you could do in the game, and it was fun going around murdering and stealing cars. Playing it today...well, it's terrible, but back then, it was something really special. I played the hell out of it.


I'm a sucker for wrestling games, and the first "Smackdown!" game was so damn fun and surprisingly deep for its time. Unlike THQ's WCW games for the N64, the first "Smackdown!" game was a little more arcade-y and offered a ton of different options for matches. Plus it had all the belts and even options to set up your own programming match schedule as well. Super fun.


I'm a sucker for shmups too. "Einhander" was unlike a majority of them, offering some relatively cool 3D effects to go along with the 2D side scrolling. It played a lot like "R-Type", but not as hemorrhage-inducing. It's also fairly pricey on the eBay market for some reason as well.


A mix of survival horror and RPG, the first "Parasite Eve" tells a surprisingly mature story while piling on blood and guts. I've never been much of an RPG fan, but the story of "Parasite Eve" ensnared me and I couldn't wait to see what would happen next. Still awesome.


2D fighters were disappearing when the original "Guilty Gear" was released. It offered some surprisingly well animated (the PS1 really wasn't that good at 2D games, especially when compared to the Sega Saturn) and memorable characters, as well as a super kickass soundtrack. It's also spawned numerous sequels and spin-offs which have plundered my wallet over the years to come.


Comic book character-based video games tend to suck, especially back then (thanks Acclaim). Activision got the "Spider-Man" license and ran with it. For the first time ever, you felt like you actually WERE Spider-Man (mostly). It utilized his rogues gallery really well, and had a nice number of cameos from other Marvel heroes. Plays like shit today, but the game engine was also used for Activision's massively popular "Tony Hawk" games.


Back in the day, I played a lot of first-person shooters. Playing one based on the "Alien" franchise on a home console was a new thing for me, and this delivered. Playing like "Doom" with Xenomorph's, "Alien Trilogy" is still fucking good to this day...even if its story makes absolutely no fucking sense.

Well, that's it. That's my 20 Playstation games that have a special place in my heart. Like I had said, a lot of these are far from the best the classic console has to offer, but goddammit, they mean something to me.

That's all for now folks. See y'all soon.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Victor Salva Needs to Go Away

News has been circulating a bit lately that there’s finally going to be a third “Jeepers Creepers” movie. For those that may be unfamiliar with the franchise, the “Jeepers Creepers” movies were surprise hits in the early 2000s, drawing a split reaction from viewers (people either seem to love them or hate them) and raking in a surprising amount of cash. A third film has been speculated for over a decade now, and it looks like we’re finally getting it. What has been the holdup on “Jeepers Creepers 3” you might ask?

Well for starters, writer/director Victor Salva is a convicted pedophile.

Years back before Salva made a name for himself with the “Jeepers Creepers” movies, or even with his mainstream 90s hit “Powder”, Salva made a horror film called “Clownhouse”. During production of that film, Salva recorded himself molesting his 12-year old male lead. Eventually it would be discovered with Salva only serving 15 months of a much longer sentence. Needless to say, he got off with a slap on the wrist.

Now you can all say that he paid his debt to society, etc., but the fact remains that Victor Salva is a piece of fucking shit. I try to keep this kind of crap off this blog and page, but since everyone is talking about how they can’t wait for “Jeepers Creepers 3”…well, there you have it. To this day the man is involved in some very shady dealings and stories, and is pretty much blackballed from most of the film industry (except for the few that always seem to say, “come on, give him another chance”).

Salva deserves no more chances. He didn’t deserve any of the ones he got after “Clownhouse” either. And in all honesty, we don’t deserve to have to fork over money to see any of his work. As sick as it is to say, his notoriety for his crime has gotten him more attention and support than this piece of shit ever deserved to have in the first fucking place.

Keep in mind: I’m not saying you should boycott “Jeepers Creepers 3” or anything, I’m really not. That is your decision. But there’s no forgiving and forgetting for pedophiles. There’s no therapy or rehabilitation that can snap them out of it. There probably never will be. I know I sound condemning as all hell here, but I also know damn well that I’m not the only one that feels this way.

Fuck you Victor Salva.

Sunday, September 6, 2015


Oh fucking hell, they're doing it again.

I've talked at great length before about how Hollywood just won't let certain franchises die, whether it be "Friday the 13th", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", or "Halloween", so I guess we can add "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" back to that list too. We're getting a prequel (and seriously what is this, like the eighth fucking prequel already?) focusing on the origins of Leatherface.

Yes, we need to have Leatherface have a fucking origin story.

Why is it now that these slasher icons from yesteryear now have to have so much exposition and origins given to them when they get remakes/reboots? Did we really need to see a young Michael Myers grow up in an abusive home with a stripper mother to give us a reason as to why he was the way he us? Remember the old explanation that he was just "pure evil" and that was it? Guess what? That actually fucking worked. The whole origin story given to him for the millennial generation certainly fucking didn't.

So with that in mind, what kind of possible fucking origin could Leatherface possibly fucking have? Let's see: fucked up looking kid, probably gets bullied, has fucked up family life (cannibals are usually pretty dysfunctional am I right?), and discovers catharsis in wielding chainsaws.

I think that will probably be more or less what we'll get with this new flick. See? This soulless bullshit, shameless cash-in garbage practically writes itself with little reason for forethought. Remember that abortion that was "Texas Chainsaw 3D"? I distinctly remember telling you fuckers not to lay down your hard earned cash to see that piece of shit, and you know what? You all did anyway. That movie was just disrespectful to fans of the franchise for a number of different reasons, and this new one probably won't be any different either. Now do as I say this time and DON'T GO SEE THIS FUCKING THING.

The only time we'll stop getting half-baked retreads on old franchises is when we all stop paying to see them. In regards to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" itself though, let's look at the overall chronology of films in the series so far shall we?:

We have the 1974 original...

...followed by Tobe Hooper's 1986 sequel starring Dennis Hopper...

...followed by a third film (called "Leatherface") that was equal parts sequel and re-working of the original kind of...

...followed by "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: New Generation" (only famous for starring a pre-fame Matthew McConaughey and Rene Zellwegger) which was a remake in itself...

...followed by the 2003 remake that made a shitload of money...

...followed by the 2006 prequel to the 2003 remake that was just plain awful...

...followed by the cinematic abortion known as "Texas Chainsaw 3D" which claims to be a direct sequel to the ORIGINAL film from 1974.

You guys get all that?

Yeah, let this franchise die already. I know I say it all the damn time, but this is the one case where I think we can all agree that it has to die, and die right fucking now.

Then again, maybe we'll get a cross-dressing Leatherface again?

Saturday, September 5, 2015

What Happened to Mega Man?

I've always had a severe soft spot for Mega Man. I have many fond memories of playing the original ones, particularly "Mega Man 2", on the NES in my youth. I never had a Super NES while it was being supported, so I missed out on "Mega Man VII" and the first "Mega Man X" games until years later. "Mega Man 8" I played the shit out of on PS1, and I was never that bowled over with "Mega Man Legends". In the years to come, I ended up playing all the ones I'd missed, beating most of them as well. So yeah, I fucking love Mega Man.

A few years back, Capcom finally decided to give the fans what they wanted, and released the long awaited "Mega Man 9" and "Mega Man 10" as downloadable titles in the classic 8-bit style. They were mostly awesome, but goddammit, we still want more. What have we gotten? Jack shit is what we've gotten. There were a number of various Mega Man games that Capcom had in development at one point or another, all of which got shitcanned. That in itself is a damn shame, but the true shame about all this is that it looks like Capcom is just burying the whole franchise. Other than letting him appear in the recent "Super Smash Bros." game as a playable character, there's no new Mega Man-related game on the horizon at all.

Well, unless you count "Mighty No. 9", which is going to be ultra mega tits when that finally comes out, but that's another story.

Anyway, there was a time when Mega Man was the only real franchise Capcom was really known for by a majority of people. Before "Street Fighter II" ruled arcades and before "Monster Hunter" ever came around, Mega Man WAS Capcom. So why bury it? There's obviously still a desire and need for classic, challenging, 2D side scrolling action. I just don't fucking understand why they'd bury it like they have.

And oh yeah, I know there's been some re-release of the first six games of the series that literally just came out, but that doesn't count. The old Mega Man games have been repackaged and revamped so many times that it's just become redundant at this point. Get your shit together Capcom, for the love of fucking Gawd, get your shit together.