Saturday, December 29, 2012

New Year's Resolutions I Probably Won't Keep

That Mayan Apocalypse sure was some wild shit wasn't it? The hellfire and brimstone raining down from the sky, the dead rising up and consuming the flesh of the living, mass suicides, and all the other crazy bullshit that happened. Could you believe it?

Oh wait, what? None of that shit happened? Did I hallucinate all that?

Yeah, I did. You really shouldn't do whippets when you're well into your late 20s.

Anyway, it's another Christmas that has come and gone, and now we approach the end of the year. So long 2012, hello 2013. In that regard, I just want to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's. That being said, what's the one thing that always comes with the New Year, other than a night of getting absolutely shit-faced and regrettably fucking your best friend's mother? Broken New Year's Resolutions, that's what. So here folks is my own personal list of New Year's Resolutions that I may try to keep, and that I probably won't.

That I will no longer post pictures of my penis all over the internet in the sad hope that someone will find it attractive.

That I will stop playing shitty NES and Genesis games for the first time in over 20 years.

That this Halloween, my first without old Paul, I'll make it the best tribute to him that I could ever hope to do.

That I'll go to see "Man of Steel" and not get pissed off enough to start launching projectiles at the screen.

That I'll pull out more often.

That one day I'll pick the guitar back up.

That I'll go back to writing.

That I'll finally get tatted after years of wavering about what I want to get and where exactly I wanna get it on my body.

That this will be four years without drugs.

That I'll take one more step to making my dreams come true.

That I won't do 180 degree head turns every time a chick with a nice ass walks the opposite direction.

That's all for now folks. See all y'all next year!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It's the End of the World (Again). Here's Your "Fuck It List" of Shit to Do Before You Burn

Ah yes folks, it's that time of year again. No, not Christmas, but the end of the world. However, unlike all the other failed doomsday prophecies, the end of the world on 12/21/2012 has some hype behind it. Namely the fact that it's the end of the Mayan calandar, which supposedly has some bearing as to when the world will officially end. Unlike the last few times when it was all "rapture" this and "second coming" that, this doomsday scenario has been talked about quite a bit over the years, and was even the subject of a John Cusack-starring flick from the director of "Independence Day"...and if there's any true source of credibility, it's from the director of "Independence Day".

We've heard it all before: fire & brimstone, the dead rising from the grave, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Regardless of how exactly the world ends: Jesus comes down, zombies take over the planet, the whole fucking thing blows up, etc., it's times like this that you have to wonder what you would do in your final hours...and this my friends is a handy guide as to how you should spend your last hours on Earth, which I like to call the "Fuck It List". The first thought that may pop up in your head is "I want to spend them with my friends, family, and loved ones", which is all well in good for most of you, but for the rest of you degenerates (myself included), this is what you should just say fuck it and go balls to the wall...

Eat a whole shitload of cake and ice cream. Why not be gluttonous? Fuck it.

Get absolutely mangled, steal a golf cart, and go for a nice, soothing drive down a freeway in the opposite direction. Fuck it.

Try meth for the first time ever. Or if you're feeling adventurous, try to cook it. If the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" can do it, why can't you? Fuck it.

Drive to Carlos Mencia's house and kick him in the groin repeatedly while wearing steel-toed boots. He deserves it. Fuck it.

Go to the Westboro Baptist Church, firebomb it, and then protest when the fire department comes to put out the flames. Fuck it (and fuck them too).

Go bareback a trannie hooker that only charges 10 bucks for a half and half. Fuck it.

Act like you're robbing bank, but right in the middle of it, strip bare ass naked and start singing "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. Fuck it.

Don't feel the need to hide the fact that you're masturbating in public and crawl out of the bush you're hidden behind on your hot neighbor's lawn. Fuck it.

Tell your ex-girlfriend you have AIDS. Fuck it.

Bang your best friend's mom after all the years of dreaming about it. Or at least try to. Fuck it.

Walk into a Home Depot or Lowes and take a shit in one of the display toilets, Jackass style. Fuck it.

Kick a gorilla in the balls. Fuck it.

Watch "The Hobbit" and try not to fall asleep. Fuck it.

Tell everyone you thought "Avengers" sucked. Fuck it.

Steal a police car, a badge, and a uniform. Pull random people over...and give full cavity searches. Fuck it.

Well now, there aren't many days left until the end of times, so stop reading this and get your asses out there. Remember folks, if you can't help the fact that you're going out kicking and screaming, at least go out with style and with a bang. After all, what's the harm in having a little fun before ya kick the bucket right? Fuck it.

Let it be known that this "Fuck It List" is meant to be a parody only. Please only take it as seriously as you take the notion of the world coming to an end on 12/21. And please, when you bareback that trannie hooker, make him/her call you Big John Studd.

Good night and good luck.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Why You Shouldn't Give Two Shits About "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D"

In 1974, writer/director Tobe Hooper crafted a genre classic with the original (and still best) "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". The film was an uncompromising vision of horror, done in a startlingly realistic fashion that made it seem almost like a documentary. It was disturbing and really got under your skin, which is what made it such an effective horror film; so much so that years later we'd get hordes of sequels, remakes, prequels, immitators, comic books, action figures, and a following that continues to stay strong almost FORTY years later, and a slasher/horror icon in Leatherface that remains one of the most frightening horror antagonists in the history of the genre.

Here we are now, going into 2013, and we've got a new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" flick on the way. While the following films (which included two sequels, a quasi-remake with Matthew McConaughey, a straight up shitty remake which made a shit-load of money, and a shittier prequel to said remake) varied on degrees of quality (ranging from "not bad" to "please fucking shoot me in the face"), it nevertheless hasn't stopped the fact that there's a new one coming, in 3D no less too. The real question is, do we really need a new one at all?

No, we really fucking don't thank you very much.

Maybe I'm just getting soft at my old age, but I'm not looking forward to seeing Leatherface chop up teenagers in lush 3D. The whole scenario of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has just gotten old and stale. Yes, we know that Leatherface and his crazy cannibal family are as looney and unpredictable as they come, but you'd think that considering the last good TCM flick was "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" from the mid-80s that film executives would know when to quit. Unlike other slasher franchises like "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Friday the 13th", which are meant to be both fun and scary at the same time, the TCM flicks have always been set apart from them because they're usually relentlessly terrifying with little to no pitch black humor that the aforementioned franchises have in spades. In this new horror world that is filled with all the "Saw" and "Hostel"-type flicks of the world, the only thing that filmmakers could do to continue setting the franchise apart from its bretheren is to up the ante in terms of blood, guts, and relentless nastiness...and I personally just don't give a shit anymore about that kind of stuff because it's nothing TCM hasn't done to death as it is already.

So please, for fuck's sake, let the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" franchise just die. Even if Tobe Hooper himself came back and decided to direct another flick, I wouldn't be all that interested. When I watch a horror movie, and I watch a lot of them mind you, I hope and pray to see something done a little differently compared to what all I've seen already. After you've seen it all for years within this genre, all you can hope and wish for is something new to come along and kick the shit out of you, while being able to get some great enjoyment out of it as well in the process. You're not going to get that out of TCM 3D, and you know that as well as I do without even having to watch it.

Let TCM die already, it's as beaten to shit as the "Halloween" franchise, and when something gets that overdone, it does none of us any good.