Saturday, March 26, 2011

Things You Should Never Say in Public Restrooms

Do you ever feel slightly uncomfortable going into a public restroom? I don't mean like say, one at a doctor's office where it only takes one person at a time, but more like the kind you'd find at a movie theater or a Wawa, which are meant to allow multiple people to simultaneously piss and/or shit in perfect harmony. Pissing and shitting around's something that we kind of take for granted in a way, something we don't even take the time to think about, which is why it winds up being so much fun when you can totally fuck with your fellow pissers and shitters.

Here's a small sampling of things you should never say or do in public restrooms (male or female) unless you really want to see some terribly hilarious reactions from others...and some possibly disastrous results as well.

Here we go:

Saying "ladies & gentlemen presenting my penis" while standing at the urinal

Yelling "no me gusta!" as loud as you can while in a stall with other occupants on either side of you

Walking into the ladies room and saying "something smells fishy here"

Ask others if they've ever seen a "urinal deuce"

Singing Godsmack's "I Stand Alone" while pissing at the urinal and shaking your hips from side to side

Talking on your cell about the fear of picking up herpes from the toilet seat

Talking on your cell about the fear of you leaving your herpes on the toilet seat

Asking the dude next to you pissing if they like gladiator movies

Asking the dude next to you pissing if he's ever been in a Turkish bath-house

Asking the dude next to you pissing if he's ever seen a grown man naked

Asking the dude next to you pissing anything that's "Airplane"-related

Come out of the stall dragging your leg with your hand clasping an asscheek

Pretending to touch yourself inappropriately in the stall and proceeding to moan louder and louder to the point of completion

That's all for now, possibly more to follow!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Uncensored "Wrestle War" Review for Sega-16

Alrighty folks, here's my uncensored & unedited review for one of the worst Genesis games I've ever played...WRESTLE WAR!!!!!!!

The edited review I wrote for Sega-16 can be found here: War

Anyway, here's the uncut take for you all you video game loving degenerates to enjoy!

Wrestle War (1991)

Published and Developed by Sega

Oh my God this game is bad. I’m not even kidding, this game is fucking horrible. Pro wrestling video games have a long varied history throughout the various console generations. Most prolifically in the 8 and 16-bit eras, publisher Acclaim was responsible for many WWF-based games, but back before Acclaim and the WWF became the norm for wrestling video games, Sega decided to take their chances in the ring with Wrestle War. Now I know what you’re thinking and don’t be surprised that you’ve never heard of this game, due to the fact that Genesis owners never saw it on North American shores. With that being said, we should all be thankful that it wasn’t, because this is one of the most frustrating and boring piece of shit excuses for a wrestling video game in the history of fucking ever.

Originally an arcade game in 1989, Wrestle War puts you in the boots of Bruce Blade, a newcomer to the pro wrestling circuit who is working his way up the championship ladder. This is about as story based as the game gets, but we’re not here to play it for its story after all (and if you do play wrestling video games for their story purposes, seek help retard), we’re here for all the action, all the cheap shots, all the flying off the top rope mayhem that we all know and love. Sadly though, we’re looking in the wrong place, because Wrestle War offers little or nothing like any of that. Instead, we are left with some of the absolute worst controls imaginable in just about any game I’ve played in the Genesis/Mega Drive library, and trust me when I say it, I’ve played some shitty Genesis games in my time, more than even the Angry Video Game Nerd could even possibly attest to (yes I said it). The characters move so stiffly and awkwardly that it’s almost like you’re fighting against the controller more so than your actual opponent. The most important feature of any video game is its controls, and here, Wrestle War fails fucking miserably. Even just punching your opponent can prove to be not just annoying, but nearly impossible to pull off. I’m not even kidding; you’ll be sending your controller flying against the wall in frustration before you even manage to somehow win a match, let alone get to even land a goddamn hit!

In addition to the abysmal controls, Wrestle War boasts an overly bland and just plain boring look (notice how the word “boring” comes up a lot here?). The ring and crowd people are typical stock type, nothing special in the least, but the wrestlers themselves at least appear to be somewhat inspired…and by inspired I mean ripped-off from real marquee wrestlers of the era. You’ll take on wrestlers given monikers like “The Mohawk Kid” and “Sledge Hammer”, which shows that the developers had their tongues planted firmly in cheek when coming up with character ideas, and that in itself is a bit of a plus because this is pro wrestling after all. Other wrestlers, namely “Titan Morgan” and “Don Dambuster” are obviously modeled after industry icons Hulk Hogan and Legion of Doom member Road Warrior Hawk, which kind of adds to the overall appeal character-wise, but at the same time just serves to remind you that what you’re playing is a cheap knock-off of the WWF license and everything that is included with it.

While Wrestle War barely manages to have enough originality to it, the package as a whole won’t keep you coming back for much else. You have to give Sega some credit though for never releasing Wrestle War in the States though, and by some credit, I mean getting down on your hands and knees and thanking Sega for never allowing this turd-bomb of a game to hit your Genesis. Apparently Wrestle War wasn’t well-received enough (if at all) in Japan, Australia, and various parts of Europe to warrant getting released on the American Genesis, and considering that Acclaim’s WWF-licensed games were practically around the corner to hit the system, Sega made a wise move. However, American gamers weren’t completely saved from this garbage known as Wrestle War, as it was included (for some reason, I still can’t figure out why) on the Sega Smash Pack, Vol. 1 compilation for Sega’s Dreamcast, which was released in the waning days of that cult-favorite console’s existence. Just for the sake of reasons to warn retro gamers: the emulation of Wrestle War on the Smash Pack ended up being even worse than the cartridge Mega Drive version if you can believe that. Worse yet? I own that Dreamcast Smash Pack compilation, and hate myself more and more every day for ever buying it, just because of fucking Wrestle War.

To wrap things up, I can’t speak to Wrestle War’s faithfulness to its arcade brethren, for not only have I never played it in the arcade, but I can’t even recall once even seeing a Wrestle War arcade machine, and I was THE arcade rat when I was a kid growing up in the late 80s/early 90s. Regardless of that, I cannot stress enough the vital importance of avoiding Wrestle War if you ever come across it for whatever reason. No matter how cheap you may find it, no matter if you can play the import cart with ease, no matter how much you love vintage pro wrestling video games; avoid Wrestle War at all costs. Trust me motherfuckers; you’ll be glad that you did.


Thursday, March 10, 2011

This is Hockey, Shit Happens

That picture is of Montreal Canadiens winger Max Pacioretty, who took a brutal hit from Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara and lay motionless on the ice afterwards before being taken away on a stretcher. Pacioretty suffered a severe concussion and a fractured vertebra, and Chara received no suspension or punishment from the NHL for his hit. In a time when everyone is criticizing the NHL for hits to the head, this is a terrible incident indeed.

Chara is being made to look like asshole of the year by the Montreal media, and since he’s managed to escape discipline by the League, many are accusing him of purposely attempting to injure Pacioretty on the play. The hit has generated tons of views on YouTube and TSN, and anyone with any kind of hockey knowledge can see that the hit itself wasn’t dirty one fucking bit. Reckless? Definitely. Chara is a huge man, the tallest player in NHL history coming in at nearly seven feet tall on skates, and has established himself as one of the most punishing defensemen in the League today. He’s also been in the League for a long time, which makes it kind of hard to believe he’d lay out such a reckless hit, but emotions on the ice are so heightened this time of year, and with the history both teams have (the brawl earlier this season both teams engaged in for example) and with both in a heated playoff race, it can be excusable as to why Chara wasn’t thinking with his head.

It has also been announced that there will be a police investigation into Chara’s hit, with the possibility that Chara could be charged for assault. This in itself is flat out ridiculous. Hockey is one of the most violent sports on the planet. I’ve seen players like Alexi Yashin and Donald Audette get their wrists sliced open by skates. Richard Zednik had his throat slashed by a couple years back. Bryan Berard practically lost an eye from getting the butt-end of a stick smacked in his face. Marty McSorley nearly decapitated Donald Brashear with his stick from behind. And last, but certainly not least, Todd Bertuzzi broke Steve Moore’s neck and faced assault charges and lawsuits as well; an event that this Chara incident just so happened to take place on the anniversary of.

Even though the NHL disciplinarian’s methods are sketchy at best (Matt Cooke could get away with murder just because he’s a Penguin), Chara’s hit didn’t look like he meant to injure Pacioretty, and the NHL agreed. It’s tragic, because Pacioretty may never be able to play again, but it’s a risk that comes with playing hockey for a living, and the sooner people realize that, the better the sport will be as a whole. I sincerely hope that Pacioretty recovers and laces the skates up again one day, and even if he doesn’t, I don’t believe that Chara committed any kind of criminal act.

One last thing, why is it that the only major press the NHL receives on ESPN or sports news in general revolves around something bad happening? I know that hockey is a niche sport, and that it’s probably one of (if not the) most violent around, but why does always receive such negative press for Christ’s sake? I truly believe the NHL should change their tagline from being “the coolest game on Earth” to “this is hockey, shit happens”.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Uncensored "Spider-Man: The Animated Series" review for Sega-16

If you haven't already checked it out, my review for the "Spider-Man" Genesis game based on the Fox cartoon from the 90s is generating some buzz on Sega-16, so check it out here: The Animated Series

Anyway, here's the uncensored review in all its glory, enjoy!

Spider-Man: The Animated Series (1995)

Published by Acclaim
Developed by Western Technologies/Marvel Software

Spider-Man has seen a lot of action on the Genesis, with a good chunk of the results being shitty at best. First was way back towards the beginning of the console’s lifecycle with Spider-Man VS The Kingpin, which for all intents and purposes was also the best appearance of the popular Marvel character on Sega’s 16-bit juggernaut. Following titles, Spider-Man/X-Men: Arcade’s Revenge, Maximum Carnage, and Separation Anxiety would be published through Acclaim and ranged in terms of quality (which, like I said before, were mostly shitty but Maximum Carnage is at least tolerable), leading up to this action/platformer based on the popular Fox cartoon iteration of the wall-crawler. Spider-Man: The Animated Series follows the dickhead web-head throughout six levels and features a bevy of villains as well, but the end result sadly proves to be a tiresome bore.

First off, the game looks and plays similar to an earlier Acclaim title based on a popular Marvel character: Wolverine: Adamantium Rage, and yeah, as you may probably guess, that game is a pile of shit too (and actually even worse than this). You run, crawl, swing (barely), and punch your way through a laboratory, a construction site, and more typical stock types of levels, but chances are you won’t get too far due to the fact that the game is just plain boring. Take that as well as some confusing level design into play, and you’ll find yourself spending more time backtracking your way to make sense of just where you’re supposed to go in the first place. Graphically speaking the game doesn’t look bad, but it doesn’t do much to excite either. At least Spider-Man VS The Kingpin was appealing to the eyes.

Assisting you on your quest are all four members of the Fantastic Four. Yes, Mr. Fantastic, the Invisible Woman, the Human Torch, and the clobberin’ Thing are all here to lend you a hand at certain points, but they don’t really add much to the proceedings. The real attraction here is the assortment of villains that appear throughout the game to duke it out with. We’ve got Venom, Doctor Octopus, Lizard, Green Goblin, Scorpion, Chameleon, Vulture, Rhino, Shocker, Mysterio, Owl, Hammerhead, Beetle, Jack O’Lantern, and more besides; and they’re all pretty challenging as well. However, the challenge really comes from the fact that the game’s controls are so delayed that you can actually count about a second or two from the time you press the action button to the time the action is actually performed in the game. That, combined with the fact that a majority of the aforementioned bosses use some real cheap tactics, and the overall challenge really comes down to the game just being somewhat defective by design.

Also, and this is more of a personal gripe to be honest, but why of all the allies Spider-Man could possibly have does it have to be the Fantastic Four? I can only remember them guest-starring on the cartoon during the whole “Secret War” arc, but why couldn’t we have had anyone else instead? Spidey already had Captain America, the X-Men, Ghost Rider, and a couple more besides as back-up in his previous games, but why not include some of his allies from the cartoon that never made it into a Spider-Man video game before like the Punisher, Blade, or Daredevil? Maybe Acclaim wanted to test the waters for a Fantastic Four game for the 16-bit era? Who knows, but they did release a Fantastic Four game for the Playstation though only a year or two later, which stands to this day as one of the worst superhero video games to ever see the light of day. Each of the Fantastic Four have special attacks that take out villains on the screen, including the Thing’s patented “brick-dick” smash where he whips out his dong and lays waste to everyone on screen.

Okay, that part was a lie, but I was really just trying to see if you were paying attention.

Anyway, what’s most surprising about Spider-Man: The Animated Series however is that the game is actually sort of well-revered by gamers. Granted that Maximum Carnage was too, but I can understand the appeal with that game because it actually did offer a somewhat entertaining, button-mashing Street of Rage-style rip-off affair. This game offers cheap enemies, broken jumping and platforming mechanics (some of the jumps are just plain ridiculous and annoying to try to make, think of some of the worst jumps that the old Castlevania games offered to get an idea) and some cruddy level design as well. Why would something like that be so revered I ask? Maybe I’m just terrible at playing it, and if that’s the case, than nothing has changed from the time when I was eleven and popped this in my Genesis for the first time until now.

All things considered, Spider-Man: The Animated Series isn’t abysmal as I’m making it sound, and you’ll definitely find and play worse licensed games on the Genesis than what you find here. Still though, it doesn’t offer much in terms of playability or even having much fun either, but it does offer enough of a challenge that you do kind of want to come back just to prove to the fucking thing that you’re better than it is and will prove it by beating the shit out of it. Do yourself a favor, if you’re a Genesis-owning Spider-Man fan, track down Spider-Man VS The Kingpin instead, or even Maximum Carnage. Either one of those offer a much better take on the Spider-Man universe than this game ever could or ever will.


Wednesday, March 2, 2011

The Westboro Baptist Church Strikes Again...and Fred Phelps is an Inbred Moron

The Supreme Court has ruled in favor of the Westboro Baptist Church military funeral protesting.

Yes folks, you read that right.

For those who don’t already know, I explained in a previous blog that the WBC hides behind First Amendment rights and calling themselves a church to spread hate speech and ridiculously protest the funerals of military officers and police officers among others. This ruling from the Supreme Court only furthers the notion that these gutless sacks of shit abuse and hides behind the greatest single Amendment in our Constitution. If this isn’t the most ludicrous thing that’s happened in recent memory, I don’t know what is.

Since protesting the funerals of fallen soldiers and spouting horseshit declaring that “God hates whatever-the-fuck-these-idiots-can-think-of” is within their Constitutional rights, I think that maybe it might help a bit getting through this outrage by using these rights to my advantage kind of like they do. Like if I were to say that WBC leader Fred Phelps is an inbred hillbilly that likes to stick bananas up his ass before having sex with farm animals, it’s in my right to say it. It may not be true (but probably is), but it’s no more defamatory than claiming that “God hates fags”.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Westboro Baptist Church are nothing more than hillbilly white trash and represent what is probably the worst that humanity has to offer. They may have won in terms of continuing to make asses out of themselves in the public eye by continuing to do what they do, but one day their day will come. One day someone will get truly sick and tired of the shit they pull and give them what they deserve…and Fred Phelps won’t even see it coming due to the fact that he’ll be too busy having his dick stuck in whatever relative or farm animal he comes across first to even notice.