Thursday, December 24, 2015

Fuck the Holidays!

Christmas sucks.

The holidays in general suck.

Everything sucks.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I despise this time of year and everything that comes with it. I've never been family oriented or anything like that throughout a majority of my life, so maybe that may have something to do with it...all I know is that this is the time of year where I realize something as a certainty...

...people are assholes.

The holidays are a time when we're all supposed to spread cheer and goodwill to one another. Instead we treat each other like shit if anyone has a differing political opinion, or is of a different religion, etc. It's just more of the same shit as to why we hate each other for no discernible reason other than the fact we're a species of fucking jerk-offs. The worst part about that is that we'll never change. As the years and decades and generations go by, we will just continue to implode as a species instead of going what we should be doing: evolving. We're devolving by the minute because we all have our heads shoved so far up our own asses that we lose sight of reality, and instead have become slaves to the fear-mongering media machine that does their best to keep us all in line and keep us hating each other for one reason or another.

So yeah, Merry Christmas and all that other shit. I really don't mean to be a downer, I really don't. But sometimes this crap just tends to get the better of me and everything gets put in the rear-view mirror.

Despite all the shit I just spouted, I hope you all have a happy and enjoyable holiday, yadda yadda yadda.

I'm masturbating with a candy cane stuck up my ass right now.

Friday, December 18, 2015

Ridley Scott is a Bloody Twat

Ridley Scott is a visionary director, there's no bullshitting about that. Look through that filmography of his: "Blade Runner", "Thelma & Louise", "Gladiator", "Black Hawk Down", etc. Oh yeah...and "Alien". Now I had said some time before that "District 9" director Neill Blomkamp was going to be helming his own entry into the "Alien" franchise that would ignore "Alien 3" and "Alien: Resurrection", and instead be a direct sequel to "Aliens".

That's right: we'd get Ripley, Hicks, Newt, and Bishop back, and pretend that the last two "Alien" movies never fucking happened. This was awesome news when first revealed months ago to go along with Blomkamp's concept art. Needless to say, even though it was probably against our better judgment, we were pretty much looking forward to it. Not to mention the fact Ridley Scott was going to be gracing us with a sequel to "Prometheus"...for some odd reason. Yes, it finally seemed like a good time to be a fan of the "Alien" franchise.

Then Blomkamp's film got thrown in the shitter because Scott decided his film was more of a priority, and so would be all the sequels it would birth.

Now here's the thing: any other time I really wouldn't care in all honesty. "Alien" is something that is near and dear to me and always will be, and I remember all the hype and hoopla surrounding "Prometheus" in 2012. Scott had claimed this really wasn't a prequel to "Alien", but something that takes place in the same universe rather. Well, after middling box office and reception, I guess either Scott or 20th Century Fox decided let's get on the prequel series train right the fuck right now, hence why "Prometheus 2" is now known as "Alien: Paradise Lost"...or is it "Alien: Covenant"...or maybe it'll be some other generic ass title instead.

What we have here is Ridley Scott pissing all over his own legacy. The original "Alien", as we all know, is a classic of science fiction and horror cinema. It put Scott on the map as a visionary director, and marked the beginning of one of the most beloved horror/sci-fi franchises in cinema history. The beauty of it all was that the original film is just so simple when you think about it: it's basically a slasher movie on a spaceship with a few clever surprises and original ideas thrown in along with brilliant acting and set design. These new films, while no doubt will more than likely be sights to behold (Scott's films are marvels of cinematography and just have a feeling of large-scale epicness) are little more than studio-pushed cash-grabs, and the fact that Scott will be in the director's chair for them is just disappointing.

So yeah...can you tell I'm not looking forward to it?

Oh, Ridley Scott is working on a sequel to "Blade Runner" too. Upon further examination, I have come to the conclusion that Ridley Scott is a cunt.

Saturday, December 5, 2015


Nostalgia can be a bitch. I've ranted and raved about the effect of it plenty of times before, considering we've seen revivals of everything from Star Wars, Star Trek, Ghostbusters, Godzilla, and plenty, plenty more besides. Now, we're about to get something that I know just about all of us are nostalgic for...

...motherfucking Mystery Science Theater 3000.

That's right you fucks, we're getting a revival of MST3K, and unlike just about all of the other revivals, reboots, retreads, etc., this is a revival I can totally fucking get behind. Somehow, someway, that show has managed to resonate with people even after close to two decades of being off the air. How the fuck is something like that possible? A show about three assholes riffing on terrible movies that has managed to not only stay in the public consciousness, but also has somehow even more surprisingly managed to hold up.

That in itself isn't just an extreme rarity, it's practically impossible to do so, and MST3K has done just that.

There's been news of casting current nerdcore-types like Felicia Day and Patton Oswalt in villainous roles (as the daughter of Dr. Forrester and son of TV's Frank), which is all well and good I guess, but aren't they a little too...mainstream for something like MST3K? One of the charms of MST3K, at least to me anyway, has always been that it's a cult show (that somehow has managed to achieve widespread appeal all this time). The pessimist in me is concerned that this new take on the show will lack the charm, and humor, of the original series and will instead rely on more conventional structure to appeal to a mainstream audience. I sincerely hope that this isn't the case, and I'm just being a cynical bastard.

No matter what, I'll be checking out this new take on MST3K. I hope to fucking Christ I'll be pleasantly surprised by the end result.