Sunday, March 25, 2012

Michael Bay Shits All Over Your Childhood Again

Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If you were a kid in the late 80s/early 90s, how the fuck could you not? They were fucking everywhere! There was the cartoon, the movies, video games, comic books, action figures, toothbrushes, board games, books, and so much more that it’s nearly impossible to fathom just how much of a juggernaut the TMNT license once was. The Turtles popularity ended up seriously waning eventually, with occasional attempts at resurrecting the franchise happening every few years, most recently with the CGI flick to come out in 2007 which actually wasn’t all that bad.

Why am I talking about the Turtles you ask? Well, as you’ve probably heard by now, there’s a live action reboot of the film in the works, and is produced by none other than Michael Bay. Bay caused a fervor when he announced that these new-fangled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are no longer mutants created by radioactive ooze, but instead are aliens from another planet. Oh, and they’re not teenagers either anymore. Also, instead of ninjas, they’re going to transform into turtle robots and shoot missiles out of their ass holes. Okay, that last part I made up, but all the rest is true.

Now, the first question I raise here is why the fuck is Michael Bay even involved in this to begin with? Hasn’t he already fucked up enough of our memories of beloved 80s cartoons with the fecal-matter laced Transformers trilogy? Not to mention the huge number of 80s horror flicks he’s had a hand in remaking (Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, Nightmare on Elm Street, and plenty more) to add insult to injury. Why the fuck does he have to put his hands in the Turtles for fuck’s sake? I can understand making another attempt to bring back what was once an ultra-popular franchise, and attaching a big name to do it, but Christ on a fucking bike why does it have to be Bay, and why does he have to change so much damn shit that a majority of people already know to be fact about the license in the first fucking place? They’re called “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, what the hell is he going to rename them? Post-adolescent Alien Douche-Bag Turtles? Why? WHY? WHY!

I have fond memories of the Turtles when I was a kid. I had the NES games, a whole shit-load of toys, and would watch the cartoon religiously. I grew out of it once I got past the age of 12 or so, but I always had a soft spot in my heart for the Turtles regardless. Hearing this kind of news that not only are they being changed around so damn much, but that they’re being changed around by GODDAMN MICHAEL BAY makes me want to shit myself into a stupor. You figure if they’re taking something established already and trying to make it new again, why don’t they just come up with an original idea themselves? Would that really be too much fucking effort?

So in closing, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…

Fuck you Michael Bay, fuck you hard.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Why the Second Season of "The Walking Dead" Kinda Sucked

The second season of “The Walking Dead” is over. Some would say sadly, others would say thankfully. I’m a little bit in between for the time being. After a six-episode first season of the series, I like many other viewers, salivated over the prospects of a 13 episode second season…and also like many, I was left wanting more. Granted that the show’s ultra-creepy season premiere and jaw-dropping finale were great, but everything else in between felt kind of…well, flat.

From this point forward, SPOILERS AHEAD. So if you haven’t seen any recent episodes, read all this at your own risk.

So, here we are. The group is without sanctuary (though the prison is seen looming in the background as our group scrambles to figure out what to do next), Shane, Dale, and others are deader than shit, while Andrea is trapped in the woods and saved by Michonne (making her first appearance on the show fucking finally). Like I said, all that and the show’s beginning were awesome, but just about everything else in between was either flat or just plain drawn out. Maybe it’s because show-runner Frank Darabont got shit-canned by AMC (and as a result, two of his biggest supporters in actors Jon Bernthal and Jeffrey DeMunn, who played Shane and Dale respectively, got slaughtered, even though anyone who has ever read the comic knows that by this point Shane is way past dead to fucking begin with) and maybe it’s because with all the budget-slashing there had to be more talking and less zombie-bashing, ya know…because filming people talking is much less expensive than bloody special effects and makeup.

Whatever the case may be, the one thing that irked the shit out of me about this season of “The Walking Dead” is what the writing staff has done to the women of the group. Lori is unbelievably irritating and just a flat out cunt (like she was in the comic granted) while I pray for Carol’s death with each passing episode. Andrea, who was such an awesomely-written, strong-willed character in the comics, has been degraded to being a chick that doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. We saw flashes of her strong character in the first season of the show, before harping on the death of her sister…the sister she let come back as a walker so she could shoot her. What did Andrea in the comic do when her sister was bitten and killed? She blew her head off right away so she WOULDN’T come back as a walker. Yeah…the writing staff has fucked Andrea up to the point of no return. I can forgive turning Dale into a bleeding heart, Maggie into a clingy twat, or even making Herschell less of a douche bag and even kind of likeable, but seeing what they’ve done with Andrea just makes me all kind of pissy.

What are we to do with the women of “The Walking Dead”? Well if Michonne is done proper justice, we’ll have a bad ass character and one of the absolute iconic faces of “The Walking Dead”. And speaking of iconic faces, I’m dying to see the first appearance of The Governor. One of the greatest villains in the history of the comic book medium, the existence of The Governor and his crew has been hinted at aplenty, and for those who have read the comics before, know that the collision course between the group and The Governor was THE game changer for everyone involved, and insured that nothing would ever be the same again for anyone.

Now what I did like from this season was the final confrontation between Rick and Shane. It was a long time coming and inevitable, and Rick’s display of take no prisoners “it’s either him or me” mentality is the Rick I’ve been dying to see since the show first premiered. I’ll actually kind of miss Shane because Jon Bernthal played him so damn well, and took an otherwise hated comic book character and made him sympathetic and actually likeable. The zombie makeup and effects were also spectacular, particularly the effects work done with the zombie chewing his way through the car windshield on Lori’s crashed car and slowly destroying his own face. That was fucking incredible. Oh, and Daryl Dixon is probably the best character on the show, he’s the funniest and most cheer-worthy TV racist in television history since Archie fucking Bunker.

All things considered, I’m generally looking forward the third season of “The Walking Dead”. With 16 (!) episodes slated for next season, here’s hoping for some more action and some much less fucking TALKING! I’m all for drama in a post-apocalyptic zombie world (which is what made the comic book so fucking good in the first place) but it stifles any of the horror, action, or sense of impending doom, which is what the show should be all about in the first fucking place.

In the end though folks, we’re going to have to wait a while to see what develops…

…but as long as I see Lori and Carol get eaten alive I’m okay with pretty much whatever the fuck happens next.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Your Guide to Celebrating St. Pat's Day the Right Way

Ah yes, it’s Saint Patrick’s Day. The day when millions of people regardless of their heritage get absolutely shit-faced…just like the Irish themselves. Yes my fellow blokes, whether the unfortunate stereotype of the Irish being wife-beating alcoholics is true, untrue, deserved, or undeserved, we’re all in agreement that whether you are Irish or not, you’re going to be regretting what you do tonight by tomorrow morning when you wake up with a severe hangover and laying next to that super hot chick you met the night before that is now the size of a hippo and is probably missing a tooth or two (or three). So, in that regard, here’s a list of tips and fun facts for how you can enjoy your night of binge-drinking with little collateral damage to deal with the following day:

Always bring spare condoms. Or saran wrap and a rubber band. Or neither, but whatever you do, give a fake name.

Be sure to watch the first “Boondock Saints” movie either before you venture out or while you’re drinking. Save the sequel for when you’re hungover and are unable to get up to grab the remote to shut it off.

Drink casually enough at first; don’t overdo it…unless you’re trying to prove to the cute chick with the toolbag boyfriend just how hardcore you are.

No matter how many times you hear music from Dropkick Murphys or Flogging Molly and you sing along, you don’t sound better the louder you sing the lyrics.

You’re not really getting into the spirit of the holiday by drinking Natty Ice or Bud Light one after another, because let’s face facts, you may as well be drinking water the whole fucking time.

Walking around with a belt buckle that says “kiss the Blarney Stone” is only funny for the first five minutes max that you wear it.

The chick that’s hanging all over you at the end of the night may fuck you yes, but the puke stain she leaves on your apartment floor will fuck you even worse because no matter what you can’t scrub the fucker out.

Birth control pills aren’t meant to be taken like Tic-Tacs or as chasers.

The guy wearing the green, four-leaf clover top-hat may seem like he has it going on and knows how to party, until you realize that inside the hat is his roofie supply he intends to use on you so he doesn’t wake up his Mom when he takes you home to bang you on his bean-bag in the basement.

Any “Irish bar” that plays more Lady Gaga and Usher than good ‘ol Irish drinking songs is not an “Irish bar” at all, even if the bouncer at the door is about as intimidating as a leprechaun.

Watching any combination of the “Leprechaun” sequels is not a good way to celebrate the day.

Corn beef and cabbage along with a pint of Guinness is traditional yes, almost as traditional as shitting your brains out about a half hour after you have eaten it.

Trying to talk with a faux-Irish accent is only acceptable when you’re trying to bang that chick that’s only in the city “visiting” and you tell her you’re actually from Ireland “visiting”.

Taking a big ‘ol shit in a black pot and spray painting said shit gold, followed by placing the shit-pot in the front seat of your buddy’s car while making sure all the windows are rolled up never ever stops being funny.

You’re welcome folks, enjoy!

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Why Rush Limbaugh Should Shut His Fucking Mouth

Oh Rush, you’ve done it again. No, I’m not talking about the classic Canadian rock group that features God on drums either. I’m talking about everyone’s favorite fat-ass, bigoted, loudmouth, hypocritical, ultra-conservative piece of stool Rush Limbaugh.

His stance on birth control is one thing, but when he blatantly calls a girl a slut for stating her beliefs on why birth control is a great thing and that she practices it as well, it’s something else. Now, Rush has totally descended past the point of self-parody. We’ve always expected him to say something totally ridiculous and stupid, but now his moments of putting his own foot in his mouth have just grown so goddamned tiresome that he’s just fucking boring.

It seems that birth control itself has come under so much fire lately that, like Limbaugh himself, it’s just becoming utterly ridiculous and tiresome. If you’re a girl and you take birth control pills, you’re not a slut…YOU ARE A NORMAL FUCKING GIRL! Certain people (i.e. conservatives) have such a problem with women taking the pill most likely because they’re afraid of the fact that said women may be having sex with multiple partners…BECAUSE SHE FUCKING WANTS TO. Does that make her a slut? Not necessarily, but that’s another discussion for another day. What people like Rush and Rick Santorum and every other douche bag blowhard out there is afraid of is the idea of a woman enjoying being sexually active instead of being a subservient housewife chained up in the kitchen all day and squeezing out a baby every year or so. That goes against the typical conservative beliefs that date back to the old, OLD days when women had little to no rights. That’s the America that ultra conservatives want to go back to, and the idea of a sexually active American woman enjoying her life and using the birth control pill frightens the wholly living shit out of them.

Now, don’t think I’m just writing this to knock on conservatives. Not all conservatives are like Rush and necessarily believe what he’s spouting, just like not all liberals are tree-hugging jerk-offs either. BUT, people like Rush play to their audience (and the audience that he draws in is staggeringly shocking) and his audience draws off of him as well. An audience of sheep and Rush is the sheep-herder, which is just the way he wants it and how he’s managed to sustain himself for so goddamn long with his radio show. Now, the fat bastard may have finally bitten off more than he can chew…which in itself is one hell of a shocker.

Fuck you bitch-tits.