Saturday, December 29, 2012

New Year's Resolutions I Probably Won't Keep


That Mayan Apocalypse sure was some wild shit wasn't it? The hellfire and brimstone raining down from the sky, the dead rising up and consuming the flesh of the living, mass suicides, and all the other crazy bullshit that happened. Could you believe it?

Oh wait, what? None of that shit happened? Did I hallucinate all that?

Yeah, I did. You really shouldn't do whippets when you're well into your late 20s.

Anyway, it's another Christmas that has come and gone, and now we approach the end of the year. So long 2012, hello 2013. In that regard, I just want to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's. That being said, what's the one thing that always comes with the New Year, other than a night of getting absolutely shit-faced and regrettably fucking your best friend's mother? Broken New Year's Resolutions, that's what. So here folks is my own personal list of New Year's Resolutions that I may try to keep, and that I probably won't.



That I will no longer post pictures of my penis all over the internet in the sad hope that someone will find it attractive.

That I will stop playing shitty NES and Genesis games for the first time in over 20 years.

That this Halloween, my first without old Paul, I'll make it the best tribute to him that I could ever hope to do.

That I'll go to see "Man of Steel" and not get pissed off enough to start launching projectiles at the screen.

That I'll pull out more often.

That one day I'll pick the guitar back up.

That I'll go back to writing.

That I'll finally get tatted after years of wavering about what I want to get and where exactly I wanna get it on my body.

That this will be four years without drugs.

That I'll take one more step to making my dreams come true.

That I won't do 180 degree head turns every time a chick with a nice ass walks the opposite direction.




That's all for now folks. See all y'all next year!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It's the End of the World (Again). Here's Your "Fuck It List" of Shit to Do Before You Burn


Ah yes folks, it's that time of year again. No, not Christmas, but the end of the world. However, unlike all the other failed doomsday prophecies, the end of the world on 12/21/2012 has some hype behind it. Namely the fact that it's the end of the Mayan calandar, which supposedly has some bearing as to when the world will officially end. Unlike the last few times when it was all "rapture" this and "second coming" that, this doomsday scenario has been talked about quite a bit over the years, and was even the subject of a John Cusack-starring flick from the director of "Independence Day"...and if there's any true source of credibility, it's from the director of "Independence Day".

We've heard it all before: fire & brimstone, the dead rising from the grave, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Regardless of how exactly the world ends: Jesus comes down, zombies take over the planet, the whole fucking thing blows up, etc., it's times like this that you have to wonder what you would do in your final hours...and this my friends is a handy guide as to how you should spend your last hours on Earth, which I like to call the "Fuck It List". The first thought that may pop up in your head is "I want to spend them with my friends, family, and loved ones", which is all well in good for most of you, but for the rest of you degenerates (myself included), this is what you should do...so just say fuck it and go balls to the wall...



Eat a whole shitload of cake and ice cream. Why not be gluttonous? Fuck it.

Get absolutely mangled, steal a golf cart, and go for a nice, soothing drive down a freeway in the opposite direction. Fuck it.

Try meth for the first time ever. Or if you're feeling adventurous, try to cook it. If the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" can do it, why can't you? Fuck it.

Drive to Carlos Mencia's house and kick him in the groin repeatedly while wearing steel-toed boots. He deserves it. Fuck it.

Go to the Westboro Baptist Church, firebomb it, and then protest when the fire department comes to put out the flames. Fuck it (and fuck them too).

Go bareback a trannie hooker that only charges 10 bucks for a half and half. Fuck it.

Act like you're robbing bank, but right in the middle of it, strip bare ass naked and start singing "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. Fuck it.

Don't feel the need to hide the fact that you're masturbating in public and crawl out of the bush you're hidden behind on your hot neighbor's lawn. Fuck it.

Tell your ex-girlfriend you have AIDS. Fuck it.

Bang your best friend's mom after all the years of dreaming about it. Or at least try to. Fuck it.

Walk into a Home Depot or Lowes and take a shit in one of the display toilets, Jackass style. Fuck it.

Kick a gorilla in the balls. Fuck it.

Watch "The Hobbit" and try not to fall asleep. Fuck it.

Tell everyone you thought "Avengers" sucked. Fuck it.

Steal a police car, a badge, and a uniform. Pull random people over...and give full cavity searches. Fuck it.



Well now, there aren't many days left until the end of times, so stop reading this and get your asses out there. Remember folks, if you can't help the fact that you're going out kicking and screaming, at least go out with style and with a bang. After all, what's the harm in having a little fun before ya kick the bucket right? Fuck it.





Let it be known that this "Fuck It List" is meant to be a parody only. Please only take it as seriously as you take the notion of the world coming to an end on 12/21. And please, when you bareback that trannie hooker, make him/her call you Big John Studd.

Good night and good luck.


Saturday, December 1, 2012

Why You Shouldn't Give Two Shits About "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D"


In 1974, writer/director Tobe Hooper crafted a genre classic with the original (and still best) "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". The film was an uncompromising vision of horror, done in a startlingly realistic fashion that made it seem almost like a documentary. It was disturbing and really got under your skin, which is what made it such an effective horror film; so much so that years later we'd get hordes of sequels, remakes, prequels, immitators, comic books, action figures, and a following that continues to stay strong almost FORTY years later, and a slasher/horror icon in Leatherface that remains one of the most frightening horror antagonists in the history of the genre.

Here we are now, going into 2013, and we've got a new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" flick on the way. While the following films (which included two sequels, a quasi-remake with Matthew McConaughey, a straight up shitty remake which made a shit-load of money, and a shittier prequel to said remake) varied on degrees of quality (ranging from "not bad" to "please fucking shoot me in the face"), it nevertheless hasn't stopped the fact that there's a new one coming, in 3D no less too. The real question is, do we really need a new one at all?

No, we really fucking don't thank you very much.

Maybe I'm just getting soft at my old age, but I'm not looking forward to seeing Leatherface chop up teenagers in lush 3D. The whole scenario of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has just gotten old and stale. Yes, we know that Leatherface and his crazy cannibal family are as looney and unpredictable as they come, but you'd think that considering the last good TCM flick was "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" from the mid-80s that film executives would know when to quit. Unlike other slasher franchises like "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Friday the 13th", which are meant to be both fun and scary at the same time, the TCM flicks have always been set apart from them because they're usually relentlessly terrifying with little to no pitch black humor that the aforementioned franchises have in spades. In this new horror world that is filled with all the "Saw" and "Hostel"-type flicks of the world, the only thing that filmmakers could do to continue setting the franchise apart from its bretheren is to up the ante in terms of blood, guts, and relentless nastiness...and I personally just don't give a shit anymore about that kind of stuff because it's nothing TCM hasn't done to death as it is already.

So please, for fuck's sake, let the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" franchise just die. Even if Tobe Hooper himself came back and decided to direct another flick, I wouldn't be all that interested. When I watch a horror movie, and I watch a lot of them mind you, I hope and pray to see something done a little differently compared to what all I've seen already. After you've seen it all for years within this genre, all you can hope and wish for is something new to come along and kick the shit out of you, while being able to get some great enjoyment out of it as well in the process. You're not going to get that out of TCM 3D, and you know that as well as I do without even having to watch it.

Let TCM die already, it's as beaten to shit as the "Halloween" franchise, and when something gets that overdone, it does none of us any good.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Disney Owns Star Wars...and You.


George Lucas sold the rights to everything Star Wars-related to Disney for 4 billion dollars. Let that sink in folks. Disney now owns Star Wars. Know what else Disney owns? Marvel Comics. And you know what else Disney owns? Your fucking soul. Well not really, but they will, because they're fucking Disney.

When news about Lucas' sale hit, at first I was flabbergasted at the fact that Disney now owns so much shit that has meant so much to me since I was a kid that it's becoming harder and harder to fathom at just what else Disney is going to own down the line. Then again, it wasn't the sale itself that brought my piss to a boil, it was the announcement that Disney plans on creating a new trilogy of Star Wars films that pick up where "Return of the Jedi" left off. Scores of nerds across the planet couldn't stop theorizing as to what they would use as a basis to continue the story. Would it be the various novels that are kind of considered canon? Or the "Dark Empire" graphic novels? Or something else entirely original? Who the fuck knows?

Part of me is hopeful at the prospect of new sequels, because it would give a whole new generation of filmmakers and writers a new chance to make Star Wars fresh again without George Lucas' complete input, and after the prequels, I'd be more than happy to see official Star Wars films that he isn't sitting in the director's chair for. On the other hand, the other part of me doesn't give two fucking shits about more Star Wars films. As far as I'm concerned, the real Star Wars trilogy ended in 1983, the prequels don't count; so leave it the fuck alone for Christ's sake.

And then, the nerd comes out in me when I think that not only could Disney characters appear in a Star Wars film, but so could Marvel ones as well. Contemplate the idea that theoretically speaking The Punisher could blow Jar Jar Binks' brains out. Thor could curbstomp Boba Fett. Blob (the X-Men villain) and Jabba the Hutt could fuck each other's brains out. Oh, and Scrooge McDuck gets to watch and throws shit-tons of coins on their fat naked bodies and ups the ante by making them go ass to mouth.

That was foul, I apologize.

Anyway, you all see what I'm getting at here. Disney owning Star Wars just means finding new ways to pimp out the franchise for all its worth, which is saying something considering that Lucas has milked the shit out of it since 1977 onward and turned it into a multi-billion dollar industry. But making new Star Wars films every two to three years? Really? Who's gonna play Luke Skywalker? Mark Hamill is too damn old to continue the series right where it left off, so who the hell are they gonna get, Justin Bieber? While we're at it, why don't we cast Zac Efron as Han Solo and Vanessa Hudgens as Princess Leia, since Harrison Ford hasn't given two shits about Star Wars since the 80s and Carrie Fisher wouldn't dare put on the slave bikini unless we were making a horror movie here. Come to think of it, let's cast Ron Jeremy as Chewie. He doesn't really need the fur costume and his dick can make the Chewie roar. Plus throw Chris Tucker in there as Lando while we're at it, because I'd actually pay good cash to see that shit happen. Oh yeah, wait and see how many of those casting choices actually wind up coming true, somebody's gonna owe me money here.

So before long, expect a whole new wave of Star Wars-related movies, TV shows, animated series, comic books, toys, merchandise, and tons tons more, because if it's one thing Disney can do, it's milk the ever-loving shit out of something for all that it's worth.

May the Force be with you...in your pants.

Monday, October 29, 2012

Paul & Me: A Last Salute.


On Sunday, October 28th 2012 at around 2:50 PM, Paul Covey passed away, surrounded by his family, friends, and loved ones. He held on for as long as he could, battled and battled like he did his whole life, but in the end, it was too much to keep going. I had the honor not only to know him, but to have been there with him during his final moments, and I got to say goodbye to the absolute best friend I've ever had.

I owe a lot to Paul Covey, my life more than anything. I was 20 years old when I met Paul, and funny enough, we did not like each other or get along in the least after first meeting. Yet somehow, someway, Paul and I ended up getting along surprisingly well, considering he was a relatively conservative, chain smoking military man, and I was the 20 year old, booze and drug-loving douche bag that had only recently come to Philadelphia after finally getting out of the hick town I had grown up in.

One thing we immediately got along about was our mutual love for horror films. For most of my teens, I would attempt to discover relatively obscure, unknown, or cult horror films, while others in my age-bracket were sucking down the wave of PG-13 rated tame, Americanized remakes of Japanese flicks that were growing so popular at the time. With Paul, here was this 50-ish year old guy with a mustache that looked like he belonged in the neighborhood I grew up in, but looks were ever so deceiving. That was how we first bonded was with horror flicks: "Evil Dead", "The Thing", "Halloween", and tons more. It wasn't long after that we were drinking buddies, and it went from there.

Over time, I hit some extremely rough patches in my life. I was trying to put myself through college (which took a lot longer than it rightfully should have) while deciding to bury myself in booze, weed, coke, and sluts, because...well, I can't really come up with a logical excuse, but I'm not here to make excuses, other than bouts with drugs, depression, and death. I had my fun, like everyone does, but after a while I was starting to let things spiral out of my control. I had a legitimate good future ahead of me, and I was going to let it go to waste because I couldn't cope with what I couldn't control. Paul snapped me out of that funk almost singlehandedly. During a night of sharing some beers and full glasses of his favorite booze on the planet in Jack Daniels, his exact words to me were "what the fuck are you doing with your life dickhead?" That lead to a long, drunken conversation that I vividly remember sobering up in the middle of, because he pretty much told me in so many words that he would (and could) kick the holy living shit out of me if I didn't straighten up, because I was better than what I was letting myself be known to be.

And he was right.

Fast forward a little over three years later, and I finally did get my shit together. I graduated college (with honors, no bullshit), was finally in a stable(ish) relationship, and actually looked forward to what tomorrow would bring...and just about all of that was because this man, Paul Covey, snapped me out of the spiral of self-destruction I was circling around. He saved my life. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here; I'd either be in jail, or dead. That's no bullshit either; I owe the man my life.

And now he's gone, no longer in pain. This man, who in a lot of ways was the father I never had and should have had, this man who was so proud of his children and how they turned out, this man who loved his grandchildren and was as much of a hero to them as he was to me and even more so. This man who didn't give two shits about what other people thought about him or perceived him, because he played his life by his own rules while still managing to do the right thing all throughout his life.

I love you Paul. This Halloween won't be the same without you, and the world is a worse place without you being in it.

At ease soldier.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

10 Things I Want To See On "The Walking Dead" This Season.

The Walking Dead Compendium 1 By Kirkman, Robert/ Moore, Tony (ILT)/ Adlard, Charlie (ILT)/ Rathburn, Cliff (ILT)/ Wooton, Rus (CON) (Google Affiliate Ad)


Tonight is the big night. AMC's "The Walking Dead" returns to TV after what seems like forever. I personally felt last season wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it probably should have been, so I'm hoping that this season picks up mightily. What with new additions to the cast including the beloved Michonne and the debut of one of the greatest villains in recent comic book memory: The Governor. Though I'm fairly certain the impact The Governor has and just how evil a prick he is will be toned down for TV purposes, the fact remains that there is some major shit I want to see happen on this season of the show. So here we are with my Top 10 things I want to see happen on this season of "The Walking Dead". Be warned that possible spoilers are ahead.




10. Rick get his hand cut off.

One of the first scenes of major bloodshed to happen when Rick and The Governor butt heads is Rick getting his hand chopped off. Considering that Merle Dixon is part of The Governor's crew and he's more than likely holding a grudge against Rick for losing his own hand during his escape from Atlanta, I think it's a safe bet to see Rick get some vengeance cast down upon him, one way or another.



9. Michonne puts the sword to work.

Michonne is a beloved character, and rightfully so. Seeing the teases of her already with her sword and zombie companions, I think this is the safest bet of all. Graphic zombie decapitations? Sign me up.



8. Andrea stops being such a twat.

In the comics, Andrea just may be the toughest female protagonist around (next to Michonne, but we've known Andrea for longer). On the show, all she's done is seemingly cause more trouble for everyone involved, and make some plain dumbass decisions. "No Andrea, we don't want you handling a gun because you're not properly trained"..."Ok, train me and I promise I won't shoot anybody"...*proceeds to accidentally shoot Daryl*. Yeah, it looks like Andrea is going to have more of a major part this time around, and that some bad things are going to happen to her in the process. Hopefully this will lead to her becoming more of the tough, take no shit character from the comics we all know and love, and less of the whining twat she is on the show.



7. Carl becomes a badass.

Carl is an annoying kid on the show, that much is certain. He was in the comics too to a certain degree, but over time he became pretty damn badass for a kid, emulating his father Rick almost to a fault. I'd love to see Carl become more like his Dad (we've already seen hints of it) in terms of making hard decisions.



6. Daryl and Carol finally smash.

It's going to happen, one way or another. Just kick back and watch...and be just as confused and amazed as the rest of us.



5. A prison full of walkers...and worse.

Seeing the prison in all its glory is wonderful enough, but the promise of corridors and prison cells loaded with the undead and various other survivors is enough to make your mouth water. Granted I'm not sure if they'll introduce any of the four survivors that were found in the prison in the comics, but being able to see Rick and his crew clean the whole thing out will be awesome in itself.



4. The fallout from killing Shane.

There is a certain sort of fallout to happen from Rick killing Shane. Lori wasn't pleased, and chances are some others won't be either, and chances are no one is going to escape unscathed for what happened to Shane. It may not matter much in terms of storytelling going forward, but Rick's decision to do what he did (and what needed to be done) is going to play into his final words in last season's finale: "this isn't a democracy anymore".



3. The return of Merle Dixon.

He may have never existed in the comics (and neither did his brother) but I'm so fucking looking forward to seeing Merle back with one hand and a fistful of vengeance that it makes me more excited to see him than it does The Governor. That, and the fact that Merle is back gets me excited for what's next as well...



2. The reunion between Merle and Daryl.

Though they've never officially been together in any episode yet, seeing Merle and Daryl get re-united is going to be...well, it's going to be bad. Merle is a piece of shit and missing a hand, Daryl is...well, Daryl is fucking awesome and the most beloved character on the show. When these two get back together, blood will flow, one way or another.



1. Lori finally gets what she deserves.

If you've never read the comics, then I'm going to spoil some major shit for you here. Most of the characters in "The Walking Dead" get slaughtered by The Governor's people in the prison. It was a shocking moment to see, the most shocking of which was seeing Lori, with baby in hand, get mowed down to a bloody pulp. Now let it be said that Lori has come off as little more than a complete cunt on the show. She's managed to play Rick and Shane against each other, used Glenn as an errand boy, virtually ignore her son, and manage to successfully piss off just about everyone else for one thing or another. I would love to see Lori finally get whacked, just because I'm sick and tired of seeing and hearing her just make things worse for everybody involved.



That's all for now folks, I'll be back here in a few months when this season wraps, and hopefully it'll go a lot better than last season too.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Why You Should Support Slutty Halloween Costumes


Ah yes, Halloween. My favorite day of the whole damn year, for a number of various reasons. The horror, the scary movies, the creepy atmosphere, the chill in the air, the candy corn, and last but certainly not least, the ultra-slutty Halloween costumes. What other time of year is it acceptable for women to dress like sluts or whorish versions of various characters? See that picture here? Of course you do. That's supposed to be a slutty version of Indiana Jones. Now let that sentence stick in your head for a minute. A slutty Indiana Jones. And guess what? That's only the tip of the iceberg.

Look all around and you'll find slutty versions of Freddy Kruger, Wolverine, Strawberry Shortcake, and even Spongebob fucking Squarepants. Yes folks, there's various slutty ensembles for a beloved children's cartoon character. Why? Because nothing is sacred folks, nothing at all...

...and that's okay.

If it weren't for slutty Halloween costumes, Halloween would only be fun for kids only, and for fuck's sake, we can't let the little bastards have all the fun now can we?

I've read a dozen or so articles damning slutty Halloween costumes lately, lists of the worst kinds as well as the most non-sensical ones as well, and to those that are damning our beloved trick 'r treating sluts, I say shame on you. It's no different than people damning chicks for how they dress any other time, which usually only happens when people are either jealous because they don't look like that or because they're not balls deep in said chick.

So the overall message I'm trying to get across here is that we should leave the slutty Halloween costumes and wearers of such alone. This is fucking Halloween, it's a time to have fun, be scared, and enjoy everything else that comes along with this awesome time of year. So stop your grinin', drop your linin', eat some candy, and watch a horror flick you prudes; it's fucking Halloween.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

My DC Animated Universe Wishlist

Showcase Presents: Doc Savage By DC Comics, Inc. (COR) (Google Affiliate Ad)

When it comes to animated comic-book based adaptations, no one does them better than DC. While Marvel's animated features aren't bad in the least, they just more often than not come off as being rarely anything better than average. The DC Universe animated features boast better animation and voice acting, and have managed to successfully adapt some epic and beloved DC stories into 75-minute animated dirges. True, some haven't been anything special ("Green Lantern: Emerald Knights" and "Batman: Gotham Knight") and some have been quite spectacular ("Batman: Under the Red Hood" and "Wonder Woman"). Though DC has informally announced that a majority of the future DC animated films will focus on the Justice League, Superman, or Batman since anything not involving any of them doesn't sell through the roof, this comic geek has come up with a wishlist for DC stories I would fucking love to see in animated form. Granted I know that a majority of these won't ever happen, but that doesn't mean that a geek can't dream. I'm not going to go into too much depth for each one here, because I could talk about this shit for hours. So here we go with my top DC Universe animated flicks wishlist:



TEEN TITANS: THE JUDAS CONTRACT

Originally slated to be a DC animated flick, "The Judas Contract" got nixed due to the fact that the mega-popular cartoon was still resonating in the minds of children everywhere, and because the shockingly mature content of this storyarc would probably not have been done justice in animated form. Still, seeing "The Judas Contract" animated would be awesome.





KINGDOM COME

The mega-popular and beloved dystopian look at the DC universe would be smashing to see in animated form. Just imagine Alex Ross' lush paintwork applied to animation, and you've got something with the potential to be beautiful unleashed on your eyeballs. Just like "The Judas Contract", this has a shocking amount of mature content, but considering what all the recent DC animated flicks have gotten away with in terms of content and violence, this would be a no-brainer.





THE FLASH: THE RETURN OF BARRY ALLEN

The Flash doesn't get enough love, which is a damn shame because the characters, mythos, and villains associated with Flash are some of the best the DC Universe has to offer. How awesome would it be to see an animated adaptation of young Flash Wally West get bested by the former Flash Barry Allen after he (allegedly) returns from the dead? There's little chance of this ever happening, since DC rebooted their comic universe and Wally practically doesn't exist anymore, but this would be awesome to see in animated form.





THE SINESTRO CORPS WAR

One of the greatest and most action packed storylines in Green Lantern history would be amazing to see in animated form. Not to mention the fact that since it involves every single superhero in the DC universe taking on Sinestro's army, it could be marketed as a Justice League movie instead of a stand-alone Green Lantern flick. Just imagine that final slugfest between Hal Jordan and Sinestro in animated form...holy shit. Plus, it could somehow lead into what I propose next...






BLACKEST NIGHT

Dead superheroes and villains returning from the grave and eating the hearts of the living? Yeah, we'll probably never ever see this one in animated form, but man oh man, the possibilities about "Blackest Night" animated are endless.






BATMAN: THE LONG HALLOWEEN

After "Batman: Year One", why not adapt "The Long Halloween"? A spiritual sequel, "The Long Halloween" would detail the origin of Two-Face and feature a handful of the best Batman villains thrown in for good measure. Plus, somehow adapting Tim Sale's beautfiul artwork into animated form? Sign me up.






SUPERMAN: LAST SON

Richard Donner, who directed the landmark, classic, original "Superman" film, co-wrote this comic storyarc (that also paid tribute to Christopher Reeve) in which Superman adopts a young Kryptonian boy that mysteriously appears on Earth. The storyarc was surprisingly touhing and heartbreaking, and a great way to introduce/re-introduce everyone to General Zod. This one would be a mistake not to adapt.






Okay folks, my nerd rage has subsided for now. If you have no idea what the hell I've been talking about, or are thinking "why the fuck is this guy watching cartoons", please feel free to blow me.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Trying to Make Sense of the NHL Lockout



Oh boy, it's like 2004 all over again...

At midnight last night, the NHL once again locked out their players, and it appears that hockey fans are ready to have another long work stoppage ahead of them. If you're leeping score at home, this is the third lockout in 18 years under the reign of commissionor Gary Bettman. The 1994-95 season was cut in half, while the 2004-05 season was wiped out completely, but there are some major differences between the last lockout and this one. For starters, the last lockout HAD to happen in order to fix the sport and the league for the better. A hard salary cap was implemented, in an effort to make small market teams competitive in a league that unneccessarily 30 teams. Now here we are in 2012, and having another lockout happen for few more reasons than the owners biting themselves in the ass.

With the implementation of a salary cap on the league, owners and GM's were limited on how much they could throw at players in order to build a contender, so something was created in order to lower a player's cap hit while getting away with paying them a shit load of money in the first few years of the deal: the super long 10-15 year contract that pretty much circumvents the cap. We saw a few deals like that this past summer with the dual deals Minnesota handed Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, as well as the offer sheet thrown at Shea Weber by Philadelphia, which Nashville surprisingly matched. Add to that the list of players that have ridiculously long contracts that are only structured as such to reduce their respective cap hits (Rick DiPietro, Ilya Kovalchuk, Alex Ovechkin, Tyler Myers, Christian Ehroff, Marian Hossa, Brad Richards, Roberto Luongo, Niklas Backstrom, Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, and more) and what we really have here are GM's and owners that need to be saved from themselves. They got themselves into this mess, and now they want to reduce the player's shared revenue because they fucked up and just want to cover their own asses.

There's a little more to the proceedings than all the GM/owner bullshit I mentioned above, as a good chunk of it boils down to Bettman not wanting to come close to anything related to a compromise with the NHLPA. With the League's yearly revenue at a record 3.3 billion, the NHL has never prospered so much as a whole ever before. Granted there are plenty of teams that are still (and always have) suffering from a lack of a fanbase (Phoenix, Columbus) but the NHL should count their blessings that fans came back in droves after the 04-05 lockout with arms wide open. If this lockout lasts a full season, don't expect the fans to come back like they did before, and I for one wouldn't blame them. In fact, if this lockout kills the whole season, I think I may even take a break from my beloved NHL watching. Though honestly I don't think it will last the whole season, mostly because there's so much more to lose this time around (The Winter Classic, HBO's 24/7) it's still fucking unbelievable that we're going through this bullshit AGAIN...but here we are.

Somebody needs to lock Bettman and NHLPA head Don Fehr in a room together and let them come to a fucking agreement. The fact that we're here again is not only mind-numbing, but fucking revolting. Play some goddamned hockey!

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Top 10 Favorite Games by Console



A while back I did a few countdown lists for my Top 10 Underrated Video Game Gems across the five video game systems that have meant the most to me throughout my life. In retrospect I'm now going to list my Top 10 favorite games for each of those five consoles. I'm not going into too much depth here like I did the last time around, instead I'll just be giving a basic rundown of my top 10 favorites. Some purists among you may argue over the games I picked over others, but these are my favorite games I played on these awesome consoles, so if you don't like it, kiss my Irish ass.

Anyway, let's begin folks:



NES:

1. Contra
2. Super Mario Bros. 3
3. Ninja Gaiden
4. Blades of Steel
5. Castlevania
6. The Legend of Zelda
7. Baseball Stars
8. Metroid
9. Battletoads
10. Mega Man 2



GENESIS:

1. Gunstar Heroes
2. Sonic the Hedgehog 2
3. NHL 94
4. Phantasy Star IV
5. Contra: Hard Corps
6. Streets of Rage 2
7. Comix Zone
8. Castlevania: Bloodlines
9. Zombies Ate My Neighbors
10. Street Fighter II: Special Champion Edition



SUPER NES:

1. Super Mario World
2. Super Metroid
3. Super Castlevania IV
4. Star Fox
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time
6. Super Mario Kart
7. Tetris Attack
8. Yoshi's Island
9. Donkey Kong Country
10. Super Mario RPG



PLAYSTATION:

1. Final Fantasy VII
2. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
3. Metal Gear Solid
4. Crash Bandicoot 2
5. Tekken 3
6. Resident Evil 2
7. Twisted Metal 2
8. Gran Turismo
9. Grand Theft Auto
10. Warhawk



DREAMCAST:

1. Marvel VS Capcom 2
2. Soul Calibur
3. Jet Grind Radio
4. Shenmue
5. Resident Evil: Code Veronica
6. Sonic Adventure 2
7. Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2
8. House of the Dead 2
9. Crazy Taxi
10. Skies of Arcadia




That's all for now folks, maybe one day I'll do a collection of what I consider the worst games on all those platforms...maybe.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Thoughts On the Hilariously Shitty Remake of "Robocop"



Everything gets remade these days, from classics like “Psycho”, “Dawn of the Dead”, and “Total Recall” to even lesser-renowned films like “The Stepfather” and “The Fog”; so absolutely nothing is sacred anymore…even Robocop. A surprise smash hit in 1987, the original “Robocop” is a classic action film that features more scathing social and political commentary laced in it than many other mainstream films from the era. Now here we are in 2012, and there’s a remake of “Robocop” coming very, very soon…for better or worse.

The new take on Robocop doesn’t come out until at least 2013, but there’s already been a fair degree of viral marketing to facefuck the masses with for now. From ads about OCP (the corporation behind the creation of Robocop) and the ED-209 (the homicidal, often malfunctioning robot that growled), to revelations of some big name casting so far (Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Earle Haley, Jay Baruchel, and Hugh Laurie among others so far), this new Robocop flick is coming along fairly nicely so far, and hey, maybe it’ll even turn out half decent…wait what am I saying? Of course it fucking isn’t…

First off, the prototype art of what Robocop’s new look is going to be was fucking laughable. For Christ’s sake he looks like a goddamned Micronaut. To make matters worse, elements of the film’s script have been leaked…and things are about to get more unintentionally hilarious. While the basic elements remain the same: Detroit cop Alex Murphy is killed in the line of duty and transformed into Robocop, things are drastically different in almost every other regard. He goes through different versions (including the classic and iconic look, which gets laughed at by a “criminal focus group”…yes I’m serious) until finally getting tested on Al-Qaeda terrorists. Oh, and he’s also a transformer. And he can make himself look human and normal when need be. And he has a pet cyborg tyrannosaurus that he rides like a horse. Ok, that last part I made up, but the rest is true.

Anyway, the idea of remaking “Robocop” I can understand. Back in the day, the film was such a hit that it spawned two inferior sequels, a plethora of video games and comic books, a live-action TV show, two animated series, TV-movies, action figures, and more besides…meaning that this was a cash cow once upon a time. Getting a modern day remake of it with the hope that there’s still a decent amount of cash to squeeze out of it makes sense, but making all these changes to Robocop don’t make sense at all. Updated technology is fine, but really making him fight Al-Qaeda? Really? Is he going to have a logo on his chest plate that says something like “Anti-terrorism Cyborg Cop”? That’s not being relevant with modern times, that’s just fucking stupid. And speaking of fucking stupid, why the fuck is he a transformer? Is he going to turn into different vehicles and have all kinds of artillery pop out of his orifices too? Good fucking lord, what a bunch of shit. It’s no surprise that when the plot points got leaked over the internet that it’s been ridiculed all over the place already, and it hasn’t even started filming yet!

All in all, you can tell that I’m not exactly thrilled about there being a “Robocop” remake, but I’m even less thrilled that we’d be getting what surely sounds like one big pile of shit. All we need now is it being in 3-D. Wait what? It is? Great. Stick with the original folks, and give this shit-tastic money-grubbing pile of fuckness a big old middle finger.

10 Overlooked and Underrated Gems Part 5: The Sega Dreamcast



As I conclude my Top 10 underrated and overlooked video game gems for the 5 consoles that have had the most impact for me personally, here we are at what is quite possibly my all time favorite video game system in the history of fucking ever. Say what you want about it, but I fucking loved the Sega Dreamcast. When it first came out on 9/9/99, it made quite the impression. 128-bit graphics, arcade-perfect games, and a dial-up modem built into it that let you play multiplayer games too. It’s success and lifespan was short-lived, as Sega discontinued it in 2002 and then switched to publishing games across every other system available, but for everyone around at the time, the Dreamcast was (and still is) a beloved little console. It had its share of well-known and smash hit games, like “Sonic Adventure”, “Crazy Taxi”, “Jet Grind Radio”, “Marvel VS Capcom 2”, and “Phantasy Star Online”, but it also had a shitload of titles that were so damn good and so overlooked that it’s a crying shame they didn’t get more press. Seriously, out of all 5 lists I came up with for the other consoles, this was the hardest. That being said, here are my top 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the Dreamcast:




10. CANNON SPIKE (2000)

A multi-directional arcade brawler/shooter from Capcom, “Cannon Spike” features a cast from previous Capcom games (Cammy, Mega Man, Arthur, etc.) all duking and shooting it out with each other for no real reason whatsoever. Not that that matters though, because this game is super fun. It’s simple enough and kind of mindless, but it’s satisfying as all hell, and is only one of a shitload of excellent games that Capcom created for the Dreamcast. It’s also pretty damn rare, and sold for a budget price when originally released, so if you’re prepared to lay down some cash for some serious fun, check this out.




9. CONFIDENTIAL MISSION (2002)

Released at the end of the Dreamcast’s life cycle, “Confidential Mission” is a light-gun shooter based on Sega’s own arcade title of the same name. It shares a lot of similarities with “Virtua Cop” and offers up a great assortment of baddies and boss fights. If it has any flaws to it, it’s that the game is so damn short it isn’t even funny. Three missions, one sitting, that’s it. All that being said, it’s still a blast to play regardless, and features some great technical achievements for being little more than a light gun shooter.




8. OOGA BOOGA (2001)

Another game released at the tail end of the Dreamcast’s life cycle, “Ooga Booga” is one of the more unique games you’re likely to play. A multiplayer combat game where you use items such as shrunken heads and magic spells to take out your opponents, “Ooga Booga” also features a shit load of “masks” to unlock that change your abilities and the like. One of the most fun games to play online, this is a game that was made to be played by you and your friends. Check it out.




7. SWORD OF THE BERSERK: GUTS’ RAGE (2000)

Based on a long running manga, “Sword of the Berserk” Guts’ Rage” is a hack and slasher that puts you in the shoes (and very, very large sword) of Guts, as he comes across a town where a disease is running rampant that is transforming its victims into horrible, blood thirsty mutants. Notable at the time for its graphics and quick-time events (one of the first games that actually had them), “Sword of the Berserk” is a short but oh so sweet action blast that is plenty enjoyable whether you’re familiar with the manga or not. There’s great voice acting and an intriguing story as well, all of which will keep you glued to the screen from beginning to end.




6. TECH ROMANCER (1999)

What’s not to like about giant fucking robots? “Tech Romancer” is a Capcom fighting game featuring giant robotic mechs beating the shit out of each other. Originally an arcade game that received a perfect port to the Dreamcast, “Tech Romancer” features a surprisingly deep fighting engine/system for a game of this type. Though the controls may come off as kind of clunky at first, eventually you get used to the flow and feel of the game, and beating the breaking the shit out of your opponents is so much fun.




5. HEAVY METAL: GEOMATRIX (2002)

Another Capcom-published fighting game, but more of an arena-based brawler/shooter like the aforementioned “Cannon Spike” or Capcom’s hit “Power Stone” games for the Dreamcast. “Heavy Metal: Geomatrix” is based on the long running adult comic magazine of the same name, featuring busty babes and cyborg warriors all shooting the shit out of each other. The game’s art design is wonderfully based off the work of renowned artist Simon Bisley, and features a rollicking metal soundtrack that includes Megadeth, Corrosion of Conformity, Halford, and more besides. It’s fast, fun, and harder than hell, and it’s wholeheartedly worth your time.




4. FATAL FURY: MARK OF THE WOLVES (2001)

SNK’s long running “Fatal Fury” series is beloved the world over, but by the time “Fatal Fury: Mark of the Wolves” came out in North America, it was a Dreamcast exclusive that was ignored because the console was dying out. The real shame in that happens to be that “Mark of the Wolves” is by and far the best game in the franchise, featuring a re-vamped fighting system and a whole new cast of fighters in addition to series stalwart Terry Bogard. The animation is superb and the controls are fluid, and it’s still a crying shame that this game got as ignored as it did back in 2001. Over the years though it’s developed a following thanks to some re-releases on newer consoles as downloadable content, and as such carries a somewhat hefty price tag for video game collectors. That aside though, this is one of the best fighting games on the Dreamcast ever, which is saying a lot considering the Dreamcast had nearly nothing but excellent fighting games.




3. JOJO’S BIZARRE ADVENTURE (1999)

Based on a popular manga, Capcom’s “JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure” is a 2-D brawler where you do little else than kick the shit out of people. That being said, it’s incredibly fun and completely absurd. The first thing you’ll notice is the game’s wonderful art style, which often looks like a cartoon come to life. Also released for the Playstation 1 at the same time, this Dreamcast version didn’t suffer from graphical glitches and constantly long load times. This game is nearly perfect, and these days is a rare find, but rumor has it that a downloadable HD remake is on the way for current consoles, so maybe more gamers will have the chance to enjoy this wonderful piece of art.




2. THE LAST BLADE 2 (2001)

Like the aforementioned “Fatal Fury: Mark of the Wolves”, SNK’s “The Last Blade 2” is a brilliant 2-D fighting game that is revered for being one of the finest 2-D fighting games to ever come out of the development house. It also happens to be the best 2-D fighting game the Dreamcast has to offer right behind “Marvel VS Capcom 2” and “Street Fighter Alpha 3”. Featuring a handful of sword-carrying warriors to choose from, “The Last Blade 2” features wonderful production values and a lovely art setting, making it one of the prettiest 2-D fighters you’ll ever see. While SNK has achieved a lot of fame for their various fighting franchises like “King of Fighters”, “Fatal Fury”, “Samurai Shodown” and all the others, “The Last Blade” games are simply wonderful, and “The Last Blade 2” is by and far a glorious achievement that too many gamers sadly missed out on.




1. DRACONUS: CULT OF THE WYRM (2000)

A third-person hack and slasher, “Draconus: Cult of the Wyrm” is a medieval fantasy on crack. You choose between playing as a warrior and a sorceress, mixing hand to hand combat and magic attacks to take down your enemies. There’s great melee combat to be had and the longer it goes on, the more difficult this fucker gets. By the time you get to the final stages of the game, you’re going to be worn the fuck out, that much I guarantee. When originally released in 2000, “Draconus” received a mixed reaction from critics and gamers alike. Some who played it were mystified and turned off by its difficulty, while others seemed to love it. If anything, the game reminds me of the recent PS3 role-playing/hack n’ slasher “Demon’s Souls”, which was a hard son of a bitch but received universal acclaim. “Draconus” may come off as a poor man’s version of that if you’ve never played it before, but it’s an incredibly fun and well-crafted game that deserves your time and attention.



Well folks, that’s it for now. Hope you enjoyed this round of lists, and hopefully it’ll make you check out some awesome old games you’ve missed out on. Good night bitches.


Saturday, August 11, 2012

10 Overlooked and Underrated Gems Part 4: The Playstation



The original Playstation, also known as the PS1, marked Sony’s foray into the world of video games. It was the first CD-based video game console that was a runaway hit because it did everything right. Previous CD-based consoles, such as the Sega-CD, 3DO, and Sega Saturn, just couldn’t do what the PS1 did so well, along with the fact that it had a staggering amount of third-party support that a video game system hadn’t had since the original NES. With that in mind, there’s a shitload of PS1 games that everyone knows and loves, ranging from “Metal Gear Solid”, “Castlevania: Symphony of the Night” and various franchises that include “Resident Evil”, “Gran Turismo”, “Final Fantasy”, “Tekken”, “Crash Bandicoot”, and tons more. But for all the well-known classics that the PS1 offers, there are a number of forgotten gems that deserve your time attention too. Here are 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the original Playstation:




10. STEEL HARBINGER (1996)

A top-down shooter where you play as a scantily-clad half-alien chick taking down hordes and hordes of alien invaders in a post-apocalyptic Earth, “Steel Harbinger” is mindless fun. You shoot, shoot, and shoot some more, occasionally devouring alien body parts to replenish your health (yes I’m serious) and get treated to some gloriously cheesy live-action cut-scenes in between stages as well. Like I said, “Steel Harbinger” is mindless as all hell, but it’s surprisingly satisfying smoothly designed, making it worth checking out.




9. DISRUPTOR (1996)

Developed by Insomniac Games before they would go on to bigger and better things with the “Ratchet & Clank” and “Resistance” franchises, “Disruptor” is little more than a glorified “Doom” clone, but man oh man, is it ever an excellent one. At a time when just about every first person shooter coming out was little more than a “Doom” rip-off, “Disruptor” was like a breath of fresh air, featuring an excellent selection of interesting weapons and abilities that set it apart from the rest of the pack. There’s also some challenging gameplay to be had as well, and the maze-like level designs manage to hold your interest without frustrating the ever-loving shit out of you in the process. Check it out, you’ll be glad that you did.




8. PROJECT: OVERKILL (1996)

A run and gun shoot ‘em up with an isometric view, “Project: Overkill” is a ridiculously bloody, over the top gorefest. You play as four alien mercenaries that are up against an evil empire. You shoot tons and tons of enemies, collecting various items and keycards along the way, solving the occasional puzzle too. There’s a shitload of levels to play through, and even though things may get kind of monotonous after a while, the game is still a shitload of fun to play through regardless. It’s also harder than hell, and a truly overshadowed gem of the Playstation library.




7. JERSEY DEVIL (1998)

Released relatively late in the Playstation’s lifecycle, “Jersey Devil” got a very lukewarm reception from gamers and critics alike, mainly getting flak thanks to the schizoid camera angles and sub-par graphics. However, underneath its flaws, the game is a surprisingly good platformer. Released by Sony themselves, “Jersey Devil” was expected to attain the same kind of greatness that their previous first-party platformers “Crash Bandicoot” and “MediEvil” managed to get, which made the hype surrounding this game all the more, and all the more disappointing when it wasn’t as great. Still though, there’s some kind of undeniable charm here underneath the surface, and the fact that the game has a wicked sense of humor makes things all the more enjoyable.




6. C-12: FINAL RESISTANCE (2002)

Released very, very late in the Playstation’s lifecycle, “C-12: Final Resistance” was a game that had it been released a few years beforehand, would have been a smash hit. By the time it was released, the Playstation 2 was already out, as were the XBox, Gamecube, and Dreamcast as well. “C-12” came out with what seemed like dated graphics and gameplay, but underneath that was a very surprisingly good third-person shooter. You shoot hordes and hordes of aliens and cyborgs and blow shit up…that’s pretty much it for gameplay-wise, but that’s really all there needs to be here. It’s simple, and incredibly satisfying, and the saddest thing here is that virtually no one played this. What you should all know though is that you can still find this game, brand new, for dirt cheap…TEN YEARS AFTER IT WAS ORIGINALLY RELEASED! That’s how few people played “C-12”, so few that you can find this game dirt cheap brand new a fucking decade later. So do yourself a favor and go fucking pick this bitch up!




5. EHRGEIZ (1999)

A 3D fighting game featuring a regular arcade mode in addition to a fucking quest mode, “Ehrgeiz” mixes both straight out beat ‘em up fighting with wrestling elements and RPG elements to boot. That and it has a roster of interesting fighters, including a handful of characters from “Final Fantasy VII” just for shits and giggles. That’s right, Cloud, Tifa, and Sephiroth (!) among others are thrown into the mix, which makes “Ehrgeiz” worth playing in itself. Sadly, the game wasn’t much of a hit when it was first released, even with the inclusion of classic FFVII characters, but it’s a super fun blast and features a surprising amount of depth that many fighting games of the time just didn’t have. While “Ehrgeiz” went underappreciated (and is a rare, expensive game to track down), it wasn’t nearly as underrated and great as the next game on our list, of which this kind of served as a spiritual spin-off…




4. TOBAL NO. 1 (1996)

The first PS1 release from “Final Fantasy” developer SquareSoft, “Tobal No. 1” is a fighting/adventure game featuring character designs from the guy that helped create “Dragonball Z”. Like “Ehrgeiz” would a few years later, “Tobal No. 1” featured standard fighting mechanics mixed with wrestling and RPG elements. There is also an adventure/quest mode where you troll through dungeon-esque environments and beat the shit out of people. The game was actually surprisingly publicized well, most likely due to the fact that it included a demo disc for the eagerly anticipated “Final Fantasy VII”, which helped the game sell somewhat, but nowhere near as well as Square had hoped it to. Still, the game was well-reviewed and beloved by those that played it, there just weren’t that many that did. There was a sequel that was released in Japan only, but despite that, “Tobal No. 1” is dreadfully underrated and deserves your attention.




3. THE UNHOLY WAR (1998)

A fighting/strategy game that nobody noticed, “The Unholy War” revolves around two warring alien factions in a distant universe. There’s melee combat and lining up your units to take out the opposition, which makes for a lengthy and deep experience. The alien creature designs are awesome and the campaigns are imaginative, but sadly the game was vastly overlooked when it was released. It’s definitely not for everyone, but it’s still worth checking out regardless, so give it a try.




2. TOMBA! (1998)

A side-scrolling platformer featuring 3-D models, “Tomba!” lets you take control of the title character as you stomp on and beat up hordes of evil pigs. One of the most imaginative titles to be released for the PS1 at the time, “Tomba!” was beloved by all that had played it, and while it enjoyed some moderate success, it didn’t become the smash hit that it should have. It did however spawn a sequel a few years later, which was nowhere near as enjoyable as the first installment, but was even more overlooked than this game. Still though, the game has such undeniable charm that you won’t be able to not enjoy it, even if it becomes incredibly difficult the longer it goes on.




1. HEART OF DARKNESS (1998)

Taking six years to be developed, “Heart of Darkness” is a cinematic side-scrolling adventure where you play as a young boy named Andy who is on a quest to save his beloved dog from dark and sinister forces. You solve puzzles and shoot down enemies, all while trying not to die horribly in the process. Notorious for its punishing difficulty and brilliantly animated cinematics, “Heart of Darkness” is a wonderful artistic achievement for its time and also incredibly frustrating and features some very graphic ways to get killed for being an all-ages rated game. The game also sold pretty well for its time, but all these years later is sadly forgotten. Though it was harder than hell to get through, “Heart of Darkness” featured some surprisingly rewarding gameplay and a well-told story that kept you playing, no matter how many times you died. That and just seeing how surprisingly bloody Andy’s demises would wind up being would hold your attention as well. Check it out damnit!



That’s all for now folks, be here next time for the conclusion where we look at the top 10 underrated and overlooked games for one of the most underrated and overlooked consoles of all time: the Sega Dreamcast.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

10 Overlooked and Underrated Gems Part 3: The Super Nintendo



How do you follow-up a console that singlehandedly saved the video game industry? Nintendo had some lofty heights to reach when they released the Super Nintendo in 1991. The 8-bit NES was such a smash hit and so prolific that Nintendo kept supporting it even after they released this 16-bit predecessor, which took everything the NES did and did it better. At the time, the Sega Genesis was already out and giving Nintendo a run for their money, but the Super NES managed to trump it in the end thanks to more powerful hardware and a library of first-party titles that remain some of the best video games ever made. “Super Mario World”, “Donkey Kong Country”, “Super Metroid”, “Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past”, “Yoshi’s Island”, “Star Fox”, and plenty more besides are flat-out classics. But for every classic Super NES game that came out and sold a shit load of copies, there were a handful of excellent and amazing games that fell through the cracks. Here are 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the Super Nintendo:




10. MARVEL SUPERHEROES: WAR OF THE GEMS (1996)

Released towards the end of the Super NES’ lifecycle in 1996, Capcom’s “Marvel Superheroes: War of the Gems” is an arcade style beat ‘em up featuring a large cast of Marvel heroes and villains. You play as Wolverine, Spider-Man, Iron Man, Hulk, and Captain America and take on hordes of baddies. The character sprites and moves are based on Capcom’s series of Marvel fighting arcade games, but this game in itself is an original endeavor that only saw release on the Super NES. There’s loads of action, it’s plenty challenging, and features some brilliant animation as well. Track this down if you can, you’ll be glad that you did.




9. JURASSIC PARK 2: THE CHAOS CONTINUES (1994)

Back in the early 90s, “Jurassic Park” was such a massive hit that it spawned numerous toys and video games across the board. Naturally any video game bearing the JP logo was a huge hit, so a year after the film and video game were released, Ocean decided not to wait for another movie to come out to make a video game. “Jurassic Park 2” The Chaos Continues” finds Dr. Grant returning to the island with a whole big arsenal of weapons and laying waste to dinosaurs and rival human hunters in the process. It’s a fast-paced run and gun style game that owes a lot to “Contra”, and is plenty enjoyable in the process…even if this game is fucking harder than shit to play. It’s now regarded as a lost Super NES classic though, so track it down and give it a look.




8. ROCK ‘N ROLL RACING (1993)

Developed by “World of Warcraft” creator Blizzard (before they were known as Blizzard), “Rock ‘N Roll Racing” is a fucking fun time to say it lightly. You race around in monster trucks in futuristic environments to instrumental renditions of classic songs from Black Sabbath and Deep Purple. Incredibly fun and addictive to this day, the game was also released on the Genesis, but the Super NES version was by far the superior port. The game became a cult classic, spawning an inferior sequel on the PS1 some years later as well as receiving a port on the Game Boy Advance further down the road. To this very day, the game remains sought-after by collectors, but for some reason isn’t often mentioned in the pantheon of great Super NES games. All that aside, if you dig racing games, check this fucker out.




7. DEMON’S CREST (1994)

A sequel to Capcom’s “Gargoyle’s Quest” games, “Demon’s Crest” is a dark and gothic side-scrolling adventure game where you play as the demonic Firebrand (from the “Ghouls N Ghosts” games) where you collect crests to change your abilities and advance. The platforming elements are wonderful, some of the best to appear on a Nintendo system in a game that wasn’t developed by Nintendo themselves. Combined with some small helpings of RPG elements, and “Demon’s Crest” becomes surprisingly deep, and even kind of complicated as things go on. There’s a whole shitload of replayability to be found as well, as you can revisit previous levels using new abilities to access parts you couldn’t before. It’s fun and features some brilliant level design, and is more than worth your time.




6. PIRATES OF DARK WATER (1994)

Based on the underrated animated series that was around at the time, “Pirates of Dark Water” is a beat’em up in the vein of “Final Fight” that allows you to play as all three main heroes and beat the ever loving shit out of the opposition. It’s mindless as fuck, but satisfying as all hell. The game was also released on the Genesis, but that version was a side-scrolling platformer with RPG elements, instead of being just a pure beat ‘em up like you get here. Sometimes less is more, and that’s what you get here with the Super Nintendo version of “Pirates of Dark Water”.




5. UNIRACERS (1994)

What happens when you race around riderless unicycles in a mix of 2-D and 3-D environments and go to speeds so fast that it rivals “Sonic the Hedgehog”? You get “Uniracers”, a dreadfully underrated and forgotten racing game from Nintendo that suffered a cruel fate thanks to Pixar. Back when the game was originally released, the developer DMA Design was sued by Pixar, claiming that the game’s unicycle designs were blatant rip-offs of the unicycles used in their 1987 short film “Red’s Dream”. As a result, the first batch of “Uniracers” cartridges produced became the only batch of “Uniracers” cartridges produced, making this awesome game quite rare. Though it garnered some great critical praise, “Uniracers” didn’t find its audience thanks to Pixar putting the dick to them, so sadly not many people have played this game. If you can track it down and not break the bank to get it in your hands, do it. Were it not for Pixar, “Uniracers” would have been a smash hit.




4. VORTEX (1994)

A 3-D shooter game with giant fucking robots and spaceships, “Vortex” is an unheralded blast. Taking elements from games like “Star Fox”, “Vortex” was notable for delivering quality 3-D graphics on a 16-bit console (thanks to using the Super NES’ FX chip, which was also used to help render 3-D graphics in other games like “Star Fox”, “Yoshi’s Island”, “Doom”, and “Stunt Race”). There are multiple modes of transformation for your mech, which always fueled speculation from back then to this very day that “Vortex” started out as being an unreleased “Transformers” game. There’s plenty of excellent shooter action and some great boss fights to be had, but sadly for whatever reason, “Vortex” failed to find its audience. Check it out though, it’s plenty enjoyable.




3. WILD GUNS (1995)

A sci-fi/western clusterfuck of a shooting game, “Wild Guns” features more insane elements and gunplay than you can shake your dick at. Using a third person perspective with a targeting feature to gun down all the baddies headed right towards you, “Wild Guns” is insanely fun. It’s also sadly short, but for what it’s worth, this is one game that you should definitely hunt down and enjoy every single minute of. It should also be noted that this game is an early example of the steampunk genre, which will either make you want to play it even more, or make you not want to play it at all.




2. PHALANX (1992)

One thing that “Phalanx” was famous for was having cover art that had nothing to do with the game itself. A bearded hillbilly playing a banjo with a spaceship in the background adorns the cover, while the game itself is a vertical space shooter that is super fucking fun as hell. There are loads of power ups and epic boss fights to be discovered along the way, not to mention the game’s punishing difficulty make “Phalanx” a keeper. Sadly though the game is remembered more for its hilarious box cover artwork than its wonderful gameplay, which is a crying shame. Check it out though, guaranteed you’ll dig it.



1. METAL WARRIORS (1995)
Developed by Lucasarts, “Metal Warriors” allows you to play as a mech taking on hordes of baddies, ya know the usual shit, but it offers up something else that makes it that unique to stand out as being the most underrated and overlooked gem in the Super NES library: two-player deathmatch bitches! Deathmatches have been around in video game lore for so long now that it seems arbitrary at this point, but back in 1995, seeing such a thing in a console video game was such a rarity that it made the game worth checking out on its own. “Metal Warriors” is no different, offering up a two-player split-screen versus mode that was way ahead of its time. The game’s single player mode ain’t too shabby either, with brilliant graphics and the like, but sadly for some reason, failed to catch on and be a big commercial success. That aside though, pick it up, it’s the best damn Super Nintendo game you never played.



Well, that’s it for my 10 underrated and overlooked Super Nintendo gems. Be sure to be here next time as I go over the top 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the original Playstation. See all y’all then folks…

Sunday, July 22, 2012

"THE DARK KNIGHT RISES" Review!!!! (SPOILERS!)



Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy has come to an end. Four years after the release of the monumental “The Dark Knight” comes “The Dark Knight Rises”, which is a more than fitting end to his trilogy. This is my review for the film, and I am going to tell you right now that beware, spoilers aplenty are ahead, so enter at your own risk folks. With that out of the way, let’s begin…



SPOILERS AHEAD! ABANDON ALL HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE!!!!!!!!!!!









From the beginning with “Batman Begins”, we’ve seen a Batman universe that is all about the realism. From his technology to his wonderful toys to even the villains he’s faced, everything about this new cinematic take on the Batman world is grounded in reality, and it’s made for some great entertainment. As great as “Batman Begins” was though, it was “The Dark Knight” that took things to a new level. With the late Heath Ledger’s brilliant performance as The Joker to a thought provoking script that perfectly displayed the kind of repercussions that would happen in the real world if someone decided to put on a costume and take a serious fight to crime in a crooked and corrupt world, “The Dark Knight” was brilliant despite its small flaws, and to me remains the absolute best comic book-based film to ever see the light of day. With “The Dark Knight Rises”, we see the aftermath that such repercussions have created, escalating even further into an environment of full-blown anarchy and chaos, and the one man that can rise above it all to save the day.

With its much publicized filming taking place, a good chunk of the surprises that the film was set to deliver were already known to the public. From Bane’s connection to Ra’s Al Ghul, to Miranda Tate really being Talia Al Ghul, there weren’t that many twists that the public didn’t kind of already know were going to happen. That aside, we were treated to seeing a world where Batman did indeed “live long enough to see himself become the villain” like Harvey Dent had said in the previous film, as he is a broken and hollow man living a life of seclusion. He comes out of his self-imposed exile as Bane makes his presence felt; eventually re-creating the famous scene from the “Knightfall” comics as he breaks Batman’s back and takes over the city. The day is saved in the end of course, culminating with Batman faking his own death and leaving Gotham City cop John “Robin” Blake to take the reins.

In praise of the film, it was wonderful to see all the seeds planted in “Batman Begins” come to fruition. It was twice as wonderful to see this realistic take on Batman culminate in such a thrilling spectacle. While “The Avengers” was an amazing superhero blockbuster, “The Dark Knight Rises” is more of a thinking-man’s blockbuster, drawing you in with believable characters and motivations, along with some surprisingly brutal action set-pieces to boot. Christian Bale, despite what you may think of him, gives his best performance as Batman here. His portrayal of a broken man that can’t stay away from his duty as the Caped Crusader is a sight to behold. Michael Keaton may always be my favorite Batman, but Bale definitely comes in right behind him. Just about the rest of the cast was great as well. I really enjoyed Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and Tom Hardy was menacing as all hell as Bane. Joseph Gordon-Levitt was great as well in a surprisingly meaty role. I should also note that Bane’s voice was thankfully re-dubbed during post-production. When the film’s prologue was released alongside “Mission: Impossible: Ghost Protocol” last year, I’ll be damned if I could understand anything that he fucking said, but here, it’s fixed for the most part. Granted he does kind of sound like Sean Connery in need of a Halls, but hey, it could have been a lot worse.

As for the flaws of the film, the one thing that got me was that Gordon sadly wasn’t featured as prominently as he was the last time around. One of the things that made “The Dark Knight” so great was just how much they featured Gordon and how important a role he played in the proceedings. Here, he doesn’t so much, while Alfred and Lucius Fox seem to spend more time on the backburner as well. Still, the final half hour of the film is so masterfully done and orchestrated that you’ll literally be chewing on your fingernails in anticipation to see how it all comes to an end.

Also in retrospect, when you go to see the film if you haven’t already, thoughts about those in Colorado that were senselessly slaughtered at the film’s premiere will weigh heavy on your head. It’s only a matter of time before we get a handful of idiots that blame the actions of one diseased mind on this film, which is a crying shame in itself. Its times like this that we all wish people like Batman were real.

Do yourself a favor: go see the best, most electrifying conclusion to a superhero trilogy in the history of fucking ever. You’ll be glad that you did.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

10 Overlooked and Underrated Gems Part 2: The Sega Genesis



Ah yes, we’re getting into the 16-bit spirit of things now. When Sega released the Genesis in America in 1989, it gave the NES a run for its money in terms of games, graphics, and just about everything else. Though Nintendo would wind up pulling ahead when they released the Super NES later on, the Genesis has a special place in my heart for a number of reasons. It was the first 16-bit console I ever owned, and though it didn’t have the numerous first-party classics that the Super NES had, the Genesis had the best versions of fighting and sports games that were also released on Nintendo’s 16-bit juggernaut at the time. The classic Genesis games that we all know and love, like the “Sonic the Hedgehog” series, “Alex Kidd”, the “Phantasy Star” series, “Gunstar Heroes”, and more besides are classics of the library, but there’s a bunch of other great Genesis games that for one reason or another just fell through the cracks. So, without further adieu, here are my top 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the Sega Genesis:





10. ZERO TOLERANCE (1994)

One of the few (and honestly I think the only to make it stateside) first-person shooters to ever be released for the Genesis, “Zero Tolerance” appears to be a typical “Doom” clone, and make no mistake it is, but it’s also one of the most surprisingly well-done ones from the era you’re likely to ever play. Due to the graphical limitations of the Genesis, the scaling and 3-D effects couldn’t be done particularly well; meaning the action taking place on the screen is small and only takes up a fraction of what appears on your TV. That aside though, the rest of the game is a blast. The frame rate is surprisingly silky smooth, and the run and gun gameplay is even smoother. Add to that the fact that you can link up two Genesis consoles for multiplayer slaughtering, and you’ve got a criminally overlooked game. Regarded as a cult classic (and spawning an unreleased sequel as well), “Zero Tolerance” is wholeheartedly worth tracking down.




9. THE OOZE (1995)

One of the wonderful games developed by the Sega Technical Institute (more on them later), “The Ooze” is a diabolical adventure/puzzle game that boasts some impressive and colorful graphics to go along with some innovative gameplay elements. You play a scientist who has been transformed into a blob of green ooze, and you’re out for revenge and to make things right against the scumbags that did this to you. It can be obnoxiously hard and frustrating as hell, but man oh man does it leave a lasting impression. I reviewed it for Sega-16 not too long ago, and it was one of the few (damn few) games I reviewed for them that wasn’t a total piece of shit. Check it out, you’ll dig it.




8. GENERAL CHAOS (1994)

Back in the day, before EA became more concerned with milking money from gamers with the same Madden game released year after year, they made some pretty damn awesome PC games and some pretty awesome Genesis games as well. “General Chaos” was one of these games, an arcade/strategy game with a twisted sense of humor. You choose your team of commandos to duke it out on a small battlefield environment. It’s very tongue-in-cheek and features a pseudo-psychotic art style, and is one of the best games of its type you’re ever likely to play.




7. DRAGON’S FURY (1991)

Known as “Devil’s Crush” just about everywhere else it was released, “Dragon’s Fury” on the Genesis is a pinball game unlike many other pinball games you’re likely to play. The play field of the game is a multi-screen pinball table that features a shit-ton of enemies and items to smash and grab along the way. Oh yeah, there’s fucking pentagrams and demons and monsters and all kinds of other crazy shit along the way too. Making a good pinball game is a difficult thing indeed, but holy shit these guys did, and it’s probably the best pinball game you’ll ever play that isn’t a real pinball table.




6. WHIP RUSH (1990)

One of the best vertical shooters on the Genesis that no one played (we’ll be getting to the absolute best one on the Genesis no one played soon), “Whip Rush” is an “R-Type”-like affair where you blast your way across the galaxy. And like “R-Type”, it can be punishingly difficult to boot. It was released at a time when this genre of video game was becoming more and more popular, so it’s easy to see how it got lost in the cracks. There isn’t that much about it that sets it apart from other games of its type, other than being able to rotate your direction of fire, which made things a little easier, but man oh man was this one hard son of a bitch. It still looks and plays great to this very day, so if you have the balls give “Whip Rush” a try.




5. COMIX ZONE (1995)

Another gem from Sega Technical Institute, “Comix Zone” was released late in the life of the Genesis’ life cycle, but it found a small audience regardless. You play a comic book artist trapped in his own comic book, beating the shit out of baddies that keep getting drawn inside the screen. Add to the fact that you literally move from panel to panel and rip and tear through backgrounds and other areas, and you’ve got one of the absolute most well-designed games to ever grace the Genesis. It’s hard as nails, but in terms of the numerous beat ‘em up’s that were so prevalent in the Genesis’ library, “Comix Zone” is one of the best. That, along with what’s coming up next…




4. THE PUNISHER (1994)

Based on Capcom’s smash hit arcade game, “The Punisher” featured Marvel’s titular vigilante teaming up with Nick Fury to take on The Kingpin and wave after wave of criminal baddies as you punch, kick, and shoot your way through level after level. It’s repetitive and mindless sure, but satisfying as all hell. While it took a step back graphically compared to the arcade version, the Genesis version of “The Punisher” took the “Final Fight” engine and worked magic with it. It’s got some punishing (no pun intended, seriously) difficulty to be sure, but it’s a blast to play regardless, especially with a friend. It also features some of the best music to ever be heard in a Genesis game (which is saying something, considering the fact that the Genesis’ soundchip was ungodly bad). It fetches a surprisingly high price on eBay and other vintage game stores, but it’s worth every penny, so pick it the fuck up!




3. THUNDER FORCE III (1990)

The best scrolling shooter on the Genesis in the history of fucking ever, “Thunder Force III” and the “Thunder Force” games as a whole are the Genesis’ answer to Konami’s “Gradius” games which at the time were Nintendo exclusive. You shoot down wave after wave after wave of enemy starships and bear witness to massive amounts of destruction, and it’s such a glorious sight that you won’t be able to put the controller down. It’s a wonderfully difficult game as well, but it’s so wonderfully designed and features some of the best graphics, sound effects, and animation that were around at the time, truly showing off what the Genesis could do way back when. It’s a shame that not many people played it back then, because scrolling shooters don’t often get much better than this.




2. ROBOCOP VS THE TERMINATOR (1993)

Also released on the Super NES, “Robocop VS The Terminator” is based on a comic book mini-series which starred the two cyborg characters going to war with each other, and war is just what this game feels like when you play it. You play as Robocop as you traverse present Detroit taking on baddies and Terminator assassins, making your way into the future where Skynet has taken over. It’s fast paced and unrelenting, and one of the absolute best licensed action side-scrollers to ever see the light of day. Now when the game was released for both the Super NES and Genesis, each version was somewhat different. The Super NES featured a slightly different storyline and better graphics and sound effects, but the Genesis version was way more violent and was also a hell of a lot more challenging to boot. In fact the last couple levels of the game are downright near-impossible to complete, but everything else about this game is just simply wonderful. Pick it up for fuck’s sake; you’ll be glad that you did.




1. ETERNAL CHAMPIONS (1993)

Released at a time when fighting games were really starting to crowd the market and eat up quarters in arcades with all the “Street Fighter II” revisions and “Mortal Kombat”, Sega decided to throw their hat into the ring with “Eternal Champions”. Featuring a roster of interesting fighters, large character sprites, and intriguing fatalities, stages, and a fighting engine that was way ahead of its time, “Eternal Champions” sparked varying degrees of critical and commercial acclaim, and even spawned an awesome (and underrated) sequel on the Sega CD a few years later. Sadly though, “Eternal Champions” seems to have been sadly forgotten. For all the various Sega compilation collections that get released every so often, we’ve never seen “Eternal Champions” get the re-release treatment, which is a crying shame. This is an awesome fighting game that deserves your time and attention, and for every new “Street Fighter” or “Mortal Kombat” game that would hit the system, the more and more people would forget about this game. You need to give it a look if you can. It may seem dated at first when compared to some other games to come out afterwards, but despite that, there’s just something about “Eternal Champions” that just feels kind of timeless. That and its fun as hell too.



Well, that’s all for now folks. Tune in next time as I’ll go over the Top 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the Super Nintendo. Until next time, see y’all later…

Sunday, July 8, 2012

10 Overlooked and Underrated Gems Part 1: The NES



Depending what generation you’re a part of, you’ll usually wind up having a chain of video game consoles that you’ve no doubt devoted a plethora of time to and have wound up having some sort of impact on your life. For me, there were really 5 consoles that had major impacts on me: the original NES, the Sega Genesis, the Super NES, the original Playstation, and the Sega Dreamcast. All five of these systems had their heydays and their video game libraries range from being well-known to universally recognized, but for every “Super Mario Bros.” and “Sonic the Hedgehog”, there’s a handful of little-known gems that slip through the cracks that not many people know about. Starting here, I’ll be listing ten games for each of the aforementioned consoles that are underrated and overlooked gems, and they wholeheartedly deserve your attention.

The first console I ever owned was the original Nintendo Entertainment System. Its bulky grey box design was a warming sight and featured a whole shitload of classic titles, ranging from all the Mario games to “Tetris”, “Duck Tales”, “Ninja Gaiden”, and more besides. Throughout its long lifespan, the NES featured a barrage of classics as well as a barrage of shitty games, and in between the cracks were these 10 overlooked gems that not many gave a second look to. Here’s 10 underrated and overlooked NES gems:



10. ROBOCOP 3 (1993)

Movie-based games usually suck no matter what, but for some reason, the various Robocop games on the NES were surprisingly good. “Robocop 3” was no different, and wound up being the best of the bunch. Released late in the life of the console, “Robocop 3” featured some surprisingly great graphics and action gameplay, along with some unique features that include having to repair the damage to Robocop in between levels, with various brands of strategy having to get utilized in the process. The game would end up getting ported to the newer 16-bit consoles at the time, and they wound up being horrible shovelware in the process. Still though, the NES version of “Robocop 3” is a surprisingly great side-scroller, and one of the few movie-based games that is worth your time and attention.



9. BUCKY O’HARE (1992)

Based on the little-watched cartoon, Konami took the “Bucky O’Hare” license and transformed it into a challenging and highly wonderful treat. Playing as the title character, you traverse various planets, rescuing your crewmates, and eventually smashing your way through a monstrous alien ship. It’s hard, almost unapologetically hard, but man oh man is it ever satisfying. Wonderful graphics and sound effects, the game surprisingly makes the most out of the limited 8-bit technology of the NES hardware. It’s a rare find (and pricey) but for NES collectors, it’s essential.



8. SKY SHARK (1989)

A scrolling shooter arcade game, this NES port of “Sky Shark” was looked down upon by purists upon release, but over the years it’s gained some appreciation for being a challenging and fun shooter blast. You pilot a biplane taking out hordes of aircraft and ground-based enemies, with bullets and missiles flying at you from every single angle imaginable. In fact, you’ve got shit coming at you all over the fucking place! It’s a hard son of a bitch, but if NES shooter classics like “1942” and “Gradius” are your thing, check out the criminally underrated “Sky Shark”.



7. GOLGO 13: TOP SECRET EPISODE (1988)

What the fuck is a “Golgo 13” you ask? Golgo 13 is the codename of the master assassin and heartless killer for hire that has been the subject of a long-running manga, numerous animated films and series, and even a few live action flicks starring Sonny Chiba back in the day. In “Golgo 13: Top Secret Episode”, you play as the titular assassin, looking to take down an evil organization. There’s side scrolling action and first person shooter gunplay to be had, as well as some surprising bloody violence and sexual situations (remember, this was Nintendo in 1988 for fuck’s sake). The game is plenty enjoyable, but what stops it from being a true classic is the fact that there are just too many little flaws that make the game harder than it needs to be. Still, it’s plenty enjoyable, and one of the most underrated games in the NES library.




6. STREET FIGHTER 2010 (1990)

We all know Street Fighter. Capcom’s long running series has made a shit load of money and spawned numerous spin-offs, cartoons, films, and merchandise throughout the years in the process. But shortly before Street Fighter II became a massive hit in arcades, Capcom crafted this bastard spin-off of the original Street Fighter…well, that’s at least what it seemed like in America anyway. “Street Fighter 2010” was actually a completely different game in Japan, but it was brought over here and featured a title change, character name changes, and other localizations done to make it what it is known as today. Even though it’s painfully obvious that this game has absolutely nothing to do with Street Fighter, it’s a solid and plenty difficult challenge that deserves to be checked out. It’s gotten a whole shit-load of flack since it was first released here (and still does 20 years later) which is a damn shame, because everything about this game, especially the ghoulish and nightmarish graphics and art design, is simply wonderful. It’s punishingly difficult however, so proceed with caution.




5. TINY TOON ADVENTURES (1991)

As a kid I loved Looney Tunes, but I loved Tiny Toons even more. Konami’s “Tiny Toon Adventures” featured classic side scrolling action with super charming graphics. Beneath all that was some damn fine platforming action elements that were some of the best to be seen on the NES that weren’t from a game developed from Nintendo themselves. You control Buster Bunny to start, eventually being able to select Plucky Duck, Dizzy Devil, and Furrball as well. There’s a plethora of secrets and Easter eggs hidden throughout the game as well, making it a super mega enjoyable blast that you’ll spend plenty of time playing.




4. OPERATION WOLF (1989)

Every NES owner fondly remembers the Zapper light gun peripheral, but for the most part they only remember using it for “Duck Hunt”. “Operation Wolf” was one of a handful of other games to use the Zapper, and the best one in the NES library that wasn’t “Duck Hunt”. You shoot endless amounts of baddies through different stages including jungles, airports, villages, and even concentration camps. For its time “Operation Wolf” was kind of brutal and pulled little punches, making it all the more worth checking out for NES players that never got their hands on it back in the day.




3. MIGHTY FINAL FIGHT (1993)

Capcom’s “Final Fight” series is still regarded as being one of the best beat ‘em up franchises in the history of ever. After being a massive hit in the arcades and spawning a flawed port to the Super NES, Capcom took the game and turned it into “Mighty Final Fight” for the NES. The characters were transformed into super-deformed looking fighters (almost looking like bobblehead people) but the excellent fighting action still managed to remain the same. Released late in the life of the NES, the game only saw a limited release run, making it a rare and expensive find nowadays. Still though, “Mighty Final Fight” is one of the absolute best brawlers to play on the NES, and makes games like “Double Dragon” pale in comparison.




2. CLASH AT DEMONHEAD (1990)

An open ended platformer a la “Metroid”, “Clash at Demonhead” is one of the most head-scratching and jaw dropping games you’ll find on the NES. Its non-linear style of play and wonderfully designed stages make you never want to put the controller down, even when it begins to frustrate the ever-loving shit out of you in the process. If you’re wondering why the title of the game sounds so familiar yet you can’t remember playing it for the life of you, the title was used as the name of a band in the “Scott Pilgrim” books and the massively entertaining “Scott Pilgrim VS The World” movie. It also features a protagonist named Bang. That alone should make you want to play this fucking thing.




1. GUERILLA WAR (1989)

SNK had scored a hit on the NES with their port of “Ikari Warriors”, so they took the same formula and applied it to “Guerilla War”, which was also an arcade hit, but wasn’t so much a hit when it hit the NES. The same style of play applies: shoot the living shit out of an endless amount of villains and baddies. Two-player co-op, shitloads of power-ups, and destructible environments made the game an endlessly entertaining classic that was so overlooked by NES players at large that it should be a crime. Oh yeah, you also play as Che Guevara and Fidel Castro. Yes I’m fucking serious. Check it out goddamnit, thank me later.



Come back next time as I go over the 10 overlooked and underrated gems for the Sega Genesis…bitches.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Thoughts On the "Highlander" Remake...Starring Ryan Fucking Reynolds (Ugh...)



I have a lot of guilty pleasures in my life: grindhouse films, cheesy horror flicks from the 80s, and cigarettes among others…but there’s one guilty pleasure that trumps them all, and that’s “Highlander”. The films, the TV show, the animated series, yes folks, I fucking love “Highlander”. Granted that the first film was truly the only one in the series worth a shit and the long-running live-action TV series got plain fucking ridiculous towards the last two or three seasons, but goddamnit I love everything “Highlander” regardless. The swordplay, the sorcery, the action, the fact that these people that live forever can kill each other by cutting off each other’s heads, I love it all.

With all that being said, the “Highlander” franchise is one of the few franchises that I actually do think should be rebooted from the ground up for a new generation, and low and behold, we’re getting a straight up “Highlander” remake in the very near future. So near in fact that the casting has already been announced as to who will play our hero Connor Macleod in the upcoming remake…and it’s none other than fucking Ryan Reynolds. Yes folks, the overexposed actor that helped ruin “Green Lantern” and rarely plays as being anything other than tongue-in-cheek will be playing the Scottish-born immortal warrior. Makes perfect sense right?

I’m just gonna go out on a limb here and call this the worst mis-casting since…well, since Reynolds was mis-cast as Hal Jordan in “Green Lantern”. He has a wise-ass aura about him that he just can’t help, and for the life of me I can’t see that translating well into a serious take on “Highlander”, unless the people behind it are seeking to make a somewhat goofy or not too serious remake. Personally, I always had someone like Gerard Butler pictured in my head as being the star of a new take on “Highlander”, mostly because he has the scowl and he’s fucking Scottish. In any case, that just sounds horrible no matter what kind of light you look at a Ryan Reynolds-starring “Highlander” remake. It has the potential to be anything but horrible, and then with Reynolds thrown into the equation, it just becomes a recipe for shit.

I’d sooner fuck a sheep than watch this trainwreck.