Trying to Make Sense of the NHL Lockout

Oh boy, it's like 2004 all over again...

At midnight last night, the NHL once again locked out their players, and it appears that hockey fans are ready to have another long work stoppage ahead of them. If you're leeping score at home, this is the third lockout in 18 years under the reign of commissionor Gary Bettman. The 1994-95 season was cut in half, while the 2004-05 season was wiped out completely, but there are some major differences between the last lockout and this one. For starters, the last lockout HAD to happen in order to fix the sport and the league for the better. A hard salary cap was implemented, in an effort to make small market teams competitive in a league that unneccessarily 30 teams. Now here we are in 2012, and having another lockout happen for few more reasons than the owners biting themselves in the ass.

With the implementation of a salary cap on the league, owners and GM's were limited on how much they could throw at players in order to build a contender, so something was created in order to lower a player's cap hit while getting away with paying them a shit load of money in the first few years of the deal: the super long 10-15 year contract that pretty much circumvents the cap. We saw a few deals like that this past summer with the dual deals Minnesota handed Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, as well as the offer sheet thrown at Shea Weber by Philadelphia, which Nashville surprisingly matched. Add to that the list of players that have ridiculously long contracts that are only structured as such to reduce their respective cap hits (Rick DiPietro, Ilya Kovalchuk, Alex Ovechkin, Tyler Myers, Christian Ehroff, Marian Hossa, Brad Richards, Roberto Luongo, Niklas Backstrom, Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, and more) and what we really have here are GM's and owners that need to be saved from themselves. They got themselves into this mess, and now they want to reduce the player's shared revenue because they fucked up and just want to cover their own asses.

There's a little more to the proceedings than all the GM/owner bullshit I mentioned above, as a good chunk of it boils down to Bettman not wanting to come close to anything related to a compromise with the NHLPA. With the League's yearly revenue at a record 3.3 billion, the NHL has never prospered so much as a whole ever before. Granted there are plenty of teams that are still (and always have) suffering from a lack of a fanbase (Phoenix, Columbus) but the NHL should count their blessings that fans came back in droves after the 04-05 lockout with arms wide open. If this lockout lasts a full season, don't expect the fans to come back like they did before, and I for one wouldn't blame them. In fact, if this lockout kills the whole season, I think I may even take a break from my beloved NHL watching. Though honestly I don't think it will last the whole season, mostly because there's so much more to lose this time around (The Winter Classic, HBO's 24/7) it's still fucking unbelievable that we're going through this bullshit AGAIN...but here we are.

Somebody needs to lock Bettman and NHLPA head Don Fehr in a room together and let them come to a fucking agreement. The fact that we're here again is not only mind-numbing, but fucking revolting. Play some goddamned hockey!

Laying the Non-Playoff NHL Teams to Rest.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when 16 NHL teams qualify for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And that time of year when the 14 teams that didn’t make wonder what might have been. For all 14 teams that didn’t make the cut, it’s time to properly eulogize them, because really for some of these clubs, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have made the cut in the first place. In other words…R.I.P., and see y’all next year.



THE WESTERN CONFERENCE



CALGARY FLAMES

After the years of mismanagement at the hands of Darryl Sutter, it’s a wonder this team even got as close as they did to making the big dance. Because of this, we lay the Flames to rest, as well as the hopes that they’re two bright shining stars in franchise captain Jarome Iginla and star goalie Miikka Kiprusoff will retire wearing the flaming C on their sweaters. They’ll be gone in order to hasten a true rebuilding effort, which is what this club has so desperately needed for so very long. In the end, it’ll be bittersweet, but the chance to see both stars have a chance at actually winning something with different teams is of no one’s fault but Flames management.


DALLAS STARS

After doing so well in the beginning of the season, the Stars just couldn’t stay consistent when it mattered most. As a result, we now lay the Stars to rest because in the end they just couldn’t muster up the testicular fortitude to win when it counted. True, they were much better than many had predicted they would be after star center Brad Richards spurned them for the bright lights of New York, but if it’s one phrase that should be etched on the Stars’ tombstone, it should read “too little, too fucking late”.


COLORADO AVALANCHE

Two seasons ago, the Avs overachieved with a young team. Last year, they imploded and were beyond horrible. This year, the Avs were a better group, but like the Stars, they couldn’t win when it mattered most. We lay my beloved Avalanche to rest thanks to lackluster coaching, and a general managed in Greg Sherman that obviously doesn’t know how to truly make a team better. You don’t make a team better by barely spending to the cap, you don’t make a team better by trading your first round draft picks for an overrated and oft-injured goaltender (Semyon Varlamov), and you certainly don’t make your team better by signing spare parts players to fill top-six roles (Chuck Kobasew anyone?). Those days of Sakic, Forsberg, and Roy seem so, so long ago…


MINNESOTA WILD

Believe it or not, there was a time this season when the Wild were the best team in the league. Yeah…that didn’t last all that long. When you can’t score but you play great defense, you can win games. But when your one key player (Mikko Koivu) gets hurt for a substantial period of time and your defense turns to shit overnight, you don’t win games anymore. In fact, you lose quite a few of them. The Wild were so pathetic down the stretch that it boggles the mind how with all the moves this team made in the off-season, they still wound up being just as lackluster as many predicted they would be. So we lay the Wild to rest, but just like the style they play, the event is so boring that everyone falls asleep during the ceremony.


ANAHEIM DUCKS

Holy. Mother. Of. God. What happened to the Ducks? They stumble out of the gate just playing absolutely horrible, shit-can their coach, and hire the recently shit-canned Washington Capitals coach Bruce Beaudreau to work the same kind of magic with this team that he did when he first came on with the Caps. Yeah…how’d that work out again? With all that, we now lay these Ducks to rest, but at least there is some promise that this team can be competitive again in the near future. Whether that future includes future Hall-of-Famer and Duck for life Teemu Selanne remains to be seen. If it doesn’t, it’s sad to see Teemu go out anywhere less than being on top.


EDMONTON OILERS

Another year in the basement, another draft lottery pick. Granted this is how many assumed the Oilers would do anyway, so it isn’t like it’s a colossal disappointment. Rookie sensation Ryan Nugent-Hopkins proved he’s the real deal in an injury-shortened debut campaign, while second year pro Jordan Eberle had a star-making season. That, and Captain Canada himself Ryan Smyth made a welcome return to his beloved Oilers, which provided both wonderful nostalgia and a woeful reminder that the man is getting a little too long in the tooth for all this shit. So we lay these Oilers to rest (again) but the flame burning for the future has never looked brighter for this franchise…ya know, as long as they start drafting some blue-chip defensemen this time around instead of more fucking forwards.


COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS

Ah yes, the asshole of the Western Conference, and the NHL as a whole. The Jackets were so damn bad that they ran their big off-season acquisition Jeff Carter out of town, and even managed to make franchise cornerstone Rick Nash want to finally pack his bags and get the fuck out of dodge. Not that I blame Nash, the guy generally wants to win, and he finally realizes that he sure as shit ain’t gonna do that in fucking Columbus. The most mismanaged team in the NHL for the last decade; the Jackets are going to go nowhere fast. They can try rebuilding the roster (again and again) all they want, but it won’t do any good. As we lay these Blue Jackets to rest again, let us take the time to consider laying them to rest for good. Winnipeg finally got an NHL team back, and there are more deserving cities that want and need an NHL team. Whether it be Quebec, Hamilton, or even Kansas fucking City, Columbus is the asshole of the NHL, and nothing but shit has spewed from it since the team first broke into the league.





THE EASTERN CONFERENCE



BUFFALO SABRES

Big things appeared to be on the horizon for the Sabres entering this season. They got a mega-rich owner, acquired some high profile players, and appeared poised to do some serious damage in the NHL. Alas, nothing went well for the team from the opening puck drop. The Sabres fell apart from the beginning, and though the team heated up down the stretch, it was another case of too little, too fucking late as they just narrowly missed getting in the playoffs. So we lay these Sabres to rest, but thankfully they’ll have the financial backing for a grand Viking funeral. A grand Viking funeral that costs a lot of cash and just leaves you wanting more…ya know, just like the fucking team.


TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING

Another team that it was thought big things were on the horizon for, the Lightning fell apart as well, but this was mostly thanks to the abysmal goaltending from 40-some year old Dwayne Roloson. I always called GM and legendary Red Wings captain Steve Yzerman a genius in progress, but this time around he really screwed the pooch. At least he has the cupboard stacked with prospects and draft picks though, so the future doesn’t appear so bleak. And oh yeah, some guy named Steven Stamkos scored 60 goals this year too. So, we lay the Lightning to rest, but like the Oilers, the future looks pretty damn bright.


WINNIPEG JETS

The team formerly known as the Atlanta Thrashers stayed in the thick of the playoff race for a while, but faded when things really counted. Still, even though we’re laying these resurrected Jets to rest now, the fact that the Jets even exist again is reason enough to celebrate. And goddamnit, the sound of those home crowds. Just watch any clips of Jets games this year, and I guarantee that you will not hear a building erupting like that anywhere else in the NHL. Not in Pittsburgh, not in New York, not even the hockey Mecca’s of Toronto and Montreal. Winnipeg is back, and even though they missed out on the post-season, having them back is a truly wonderful thing.


CAROLINA HURRICANES

Getting off to the hilariously disastrous start of the season, the ‘Canes got a new coach, but kept the same schmucks on their roster. They managed to appear to turn the corner eventually, and the ‘Canes brass believes that this season was only an aberration and that they are much better than they seemed to be. Yeah, about that… Let’s face facts, the ‘Canes suck. They’ve made the playoffs twice since the lockout. Yeah they won a Cup in the first post-lockout year, but that was the true aberration. In fact, a lot of things that happened that season could be seen as aberrations…such as the magical run of the Oilers, Scott Gomez scoring 30 goals, and Peter Forsberg playing for the Flyers. Anyway, we lay the Hurricanes to rest, and there’s reason to believe they’ll be stinking up their grave for some time to come.


TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS

For a good chunk of the season, the Leafs appeared poised to finally make their ravenous fans happy and get in the playoffs. Then, shit just went fucking nuts. They catastrophically fell apart after the All-Star break, shit-canned their coach, and just kept on losing and losing and losing. So, again, we lay the Leafs to rest. And we might as well not even bother covering the casket in dirt either. After all, it ain’t like this team is fucking going anywhere any time soon.


NEW YORK ISLANDERS

Every time we think the Isles are actually going to make some big time progress and not suck, they come back and surprise with just how much they do suck. They have an offensive stud in franchise center John Tavares, and for all the good moves that GM Garth Snow does make, his nigh-retarded owner/boss Charles Wang just keeps sticking his dick in the ass of the franchise again and again. Somebody please, buy this once proud franchise to bring it back to its former glory. With all that being said, we again lay the Islanders to rest, in the hopes that someone will come along and bring them back from the dead…eventually.


MONTREAL CANADIENS

Does it make me a bad hockey fan because I oh so love when the Habs do horribly? Talk to any Canadiens fan, and they’ll beat your head in with all the shit about winning 20-some Cups in their storied history. And that’s just what they have, history. They haven’t won the Cup since 1993 and their management situation is in utter disarray. Combine that with a cavalcade of bad contracts and a fan base that is practically insane, and there you are. So now, we lay the Canadiens to rest, and I implore you all to do what you can to refrain from pissing and shitting all over the grave. On second thought…na, fuck it, go ahead.




ENJOY THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mike Richards and Jeff Carter: The Bromance Continues

With the NHL trade deadline in the rearview mirror, it’s time to reflect on something that occurred shortly before the biggest day during the NHL regular season…

Jeff Carter and Mike Richards are back together. Oh yes folks, the bromance continues.

Now just let that sink in while I give a little bit of backstory here. Carter and Richards were at one time beloved teammates on the Philadelphia Flyers. The fans loved them, they loved each other, and they loved getting absolutely shit-faced in local bars in Old City, picking up chicks, and doing the whole same thing night after night. This habit of theirs is what sort of let to both of them getting dealt this past summer when management went through a massive roster shakeup (which has yet to pay any real dividends, nooch), but boy oh boy, the boys are back together.

While Richards was shipped to the Los Angeles Kings, Carter wound up in the asshole of the NHL, Columbus, Ohio, and stuck playing for the Blue Jackets. It was known well from the start that he wanted no such thing, but alas, he didn’t have much choice. Now, here we are in late February, and Carter didn’t just get his wish to get the fuck out of Columbus, but he’s re-united with his best bud Mike Richards. Let all this sink in one more time folks.

Carter and Richards are back together.

They’re playing in Los Angeles.

They like to drink a lot and fuck tons of chicks.

Yeah, none of this sounds like a recipe for hilarious debauchery at all.

For all the shit that Carter and Richards both got here in the Philly media can you really blame them for behaving how they did? Two guys in their mid-20s that are millionaires? Come on now, we’d all be doing the exact same shit in their position. Now maybe they’ve matured since their time here in Philly, but personally I’m hoping they haven’t, because goddamnit, I need some kind of off-the-ice entertainment involving hockey stars pulling out all the stops in making asses of themselves, because let’s face it…”Dry Island” is for pussies.

That and the fact that Sean Avery isn’t really around anymore to poke too much fun at anymore.



Oh yeah, and this year’s trade deadline action totally fucking sucked.

Why You Shouldn't Give a Shit if the World's Ending

You survived the most dreaded time of the year: the holidays.

Whether it was Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza or whatever-the-fuck-you-all-are-celebrating-these-days, you survived. And now, there’s one more day to survive folks…

New Year’s.

New Year’s is always a rough time, usually because the actual New Year’s Day should be officially renamed “National Hangover Day”, but this upcoming one could be especially rough because, well…it could be the last New Year’s Eve ever.

Yes folks, 2012 is coming, and if you believe in that Mayan calendar bullshit, the end of the world is coming and we’ve already begun our last year on Earth. Will the oceans rise? Will the cities fall? Will the sky be set ablaze? Will Cuba Gooding Jr. ever go back to feature films instead of direct-to-DVD shit-fests? These are the questions that will be answered within the next year as that pesky Mayan calendar comes to a close.

So what should you do during your last year on Earth you ask? Anything you fucking want to, that’s what! Quit your job, go on a week-long bender, bareback a cheap transsexual hooker, stick your finger in a urinal and put it in your mouth, bet your life savings that the Blue Jackets will win the Stanley Cup, masturbate with sandpaper, watch Cannibal Holocaust and eat a pizza, touch penises with your neighbor; go fucking apeshit! And why not? You’ll be dead in about a year so make like Peaches and fuck the pain away!

Or…you could listen to reason and come to the realization that the world is more than likely not coming to an end within the next year. Events depicted in Roland Emmerich’s “2012” is probably not going to happen, including John Cusack saving you in a limo as the city around him is crumbling to the ground. Just like this past May (and October) when it was predicted the world would come to a violent end…it didn’t (for those of us that weren’t Macho Man Randy Savage anyway), nothing is going to drastically change in the world by the end of next year…except for the rich getting richer, the poor getting poorer, and some other ass hole getting elected or re-elected into the White House to continue to put the dick to those of us that weren’t born with trust funds.

Personally, I do kind of hope the world does come to an end. I personally have accomplished just about everything I’ve wanted to do in life (minus playing the asses of multiple girls at once in a row like bongo drums) and have become jaded enough to not give a shit if everything goes straight to Hell. And hey, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the world is going to come to an end when 2012 draws to a close. If it does, I’ll see you on the shores of oblivion folks…it’s been nice knowin’ all y’all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ASS HOLES!!!!!!!

Fucking Up the Flyers...Even More!

Paul Holmgren, what in the fucking shit?

Just a year ago, the Philadelphia Flyers were in the Stanley Cup Finals, losing to the Chicago Blackhawks; mostly due to the fact that they were just plain outgunned in nearly every aspect, but it was their goaltending that received the most criticism. Now here we are today, and the Flyers managed to finally lock up goaltender Ilya Bryzgalov to a ridiculous contract that will pay him until he hits 40 years old. But besides the 9 year, 51 million dollar contract, obtaining Bryzgalov cost the franchise more than anyone would have thought: Mike Richards and Jeff Carter.

Carter and Richards are the two names that fans most associate with the Flyers today. These two were looked upon as the future of the franchise for at least the next decade. Richards is in year three of a 12-year deal, while Carter inked an 11 year deal just this past November. Now, they are both gone, Carter to the Columbus Blue Jackets, and Richards to the Los Angeles Kings. Carter was the high flying, goal-scoring center, Richards was supposedly the next Bobby Clarke. Now they’re both gone, and all the Flyers have to show for it is a First Round Draft Pick, a Third Rounder, promising youngsters Wayne Simmonds and Jakub Vorachek, and what is now the highest paid goaltender in the league today with Bryzgalov.

First off, let me get one thing out of the way: change was needed. The Flyers needed to clear cap space with or without Bryzgalov, and Carter had been involved in trade rumors for a while now, so that in itself isn’t much of a surprise. But trading your captain? The guy who is supposed to be the face of the franchise for the next decade plus? The guy who led the team to the Finals a year ago and helped them overcome a now legendary and unheard of 3-0 deficit against the Bruins? Really? It was obvious that there was a rift between Richards, head coach Peter Laviolette, and a good chunk of the Flyers locker room, most notably Chris Pronger. But now, Richards and Carter are both gone, two guys in the primes of their careers, a dynamic one-two punch that weren’t the main problem the Flyers have had. Off the ice drama aside (i.e., Carter supposedly banging Scott Hartnell’s wife) and disasters dealing with the media (Richards wasn’t the best at dealing with the press), these were the guys I envisioned leading the team to at least some kind of glory…then again, people said the same thing about Eric Lindros and John LeClair too.

Who knows how this will all pan out in the end? With Bryzgalov signed, both newcomers Simmonds and Vorachek are restricted free-agents, meaning they need new contracts (and raises), which will put the Flyers up against the salary cap yet again, so it’s more than likely that there will be more moves ahead. For now, this is Chris Pronger’s team, which we all know is the way that he wanted it. Yeah, the 35-ish year old future Hall of Fame defenseman who we’ve taken over the two mid-20s faces of the franchise. It’s going to be a long, LONG hockey season here in Philly, and that isn’t even the saddest part either. The LA Kings (when healthy) are legitimate Cup contenders, with a foundation and nucleus built through the draft (which, if the past few years since the lockout has indicated, you have to build through the draft and do it well and timely to really put together a winner), and now they’ve added Mike Richards. Who wants to take the over/under on whether it’s Philly or LA that wins a Cup first?

I can’t even really blame Paul Holmgren too much here either, for Flyers founder/chairman Ed Snider made it known to the GM that he wanted a big-name, legitimate goalie right the fuck right now, consequences be damned. Well, the consequences are pretty heavy right now, and if Bryzgalov fumbles (a 31 year-old goalie that plays great in the regular season but is absolutely horrible come playoff time) the fans will no doubt be in a goddamn revolt. Personally, I see him as the reincarnation of Roman Cechmanek (how’s that for a name drop?)…and we all know how THAT ended up turning out in the end don’t we?



Fucking Flyers.