Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Trapped in the Closet: The Ridiculous Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum is a piece of dogshit.

But chances are, you knew that already.

The Republican Presidential candidate hopeful is by and large the most bigoted, hateful, ignorant politician I think I’ve ever seen. Yes folks, he beats Bush Jr. and Reagan hands down in terms of being a total piece of elitist garbage, just for the fact that he takes things so much further based on one simple fact: Rick Santorum is so far in the closet that there’s little help of getting him out of it.

He hates Gays so much that he should be running to overthrow Fred Phelps for being the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church instead of making a mockery of the Republican Party. And yes folks, you read that last sentence correctly: someone is actually making a mockery of the Republican Party. For that achievement alone, Santorum should get some kind of award. That, and the fact that his last name is now used as the description of what is basically ass-froth is so fitting for this piece of shit that it can’t help but make you smile a little just whenever you hear his name…well, at least for a little bit anyway before he goes and ruins it by talking.

Just recently Santorum decided to tell people that John F. Kennedy’s speech regarding the separation of Church and State “made him sick”. So in addition to being a super-closeted homosexual, Santorum is also a religious zealot. Also, he believes that women shouldn’t have any rights whatsoever. If it were up to him, every woman in America would be chained up in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, and popping out babies year after year, because that’s what Santorum’s “America” is all about.

So, let’s narrow this down folks:

Santorum hates Gays.

Santorum hates believes women should have no rights, birth control or otherwise.

Santorum believes Church and State should be united as one.

Santorum believes Christianity is the only religion that should be recognized and that all other religions should be abolished.

Santorum believes that colleges and any form of higher learning are evil.

Sum all this up and who does Rick Santorum sound like? He sounds like Adolf fucking Hitler, that’s who.

This guy is ridiculous, and occasionally he gets hilariously ridiculous with his bullshit, but all the same sometimes he comes off as just flat-out frightening too. Please, no matter your political affiliation, don’t let this guy get anywhere in the political world.

Oh, and if you’re a woman and you’re actually for what Santorum stands for, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Mike Richards and Jeff Carter: The Bromance Continues

With the NHL trade deadline in the rearview mirror, it’s time to reflect on something that occurred shortly before the biggest day during the NHL regular season…

Jeff Carter and Mike Richards are back together. Oh yes folks, the bromance continues.

Now just let that sink in while I give a little bit of backstory here. Carter and Richards were at one time beloved teammates on the Philadelphia Flyers. The fans loved them, they loved each other, and they loved getting absolutely shit-faced in local bars in Old City, picking up chicks, and doing the whole same thing night after night. This habit of theirs is what sort of let to both of them getting dealt this past summer when management went through a massive roster shakeup (which has yet to pay any real dividends, nooch), but boy oh boy, the boys are back together.

While Richards was shipped to the Los Angeles Kings, Carter wound up in the asshole of the NHL, Columbus, Ohio, and stuck playing for the Blue Jackets. It was known well from the start that he wanted no such thing, but alas, he didn’t have much choice. Now, here we are in late February, and Carter didn’t just get his wish to get the fuck out of Columbus, but he’s re-united with his best bud Mike Richards. Let all this sink in one more time folks.

Carter and Richards are back together.

They’re playing in Los Angeles.

They like to drink a lot and fuck tons of chicks.

Yeah, none of this sounds like a recipe for hilarious debauchery at all.

For all the shit that Carter and Richards both got here in the Philly media can you really blame them for behaving how they did? Two guys in their mid-20s that are millionaires? Come on now, we’d all be doing the exact same shit in their position. Now maybe they’ve matured since their time here in Philly, but personally I’m hoping they haven’t, because goddamnit, I need some kind of off-the-ice entertainment involving hockey stars pulling out all the stops in making asses of themselves, because let’s face it…”Dry Island” is for pussies.

That and the fact that Sean Avery isn’t really around anymore to poke too much fun at anymore.

Oh yeah, and this year’s trade deadline action totally fucking sucked.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

20 Years of Image Comics!

Recently celebrating their 20th anniversary in the comic book industry (hard to believe isn’t it?), Image Comics remains one of the premiere independent comic book publishers around today. They’ve had numerous smash hits and have spawned (no pun intended) a shit-ton of fresh, new talent over the years that would go on to make their marks on mainstream comics as time would go on as well. To celebrate the 20th anniversary of my beloved Image, I’ve put together a Top 10 list of the best comics ever published under the Image banner.

But before we get to that, let’s have a brief history lesson. In late 1991, a group of Marvel Comics artists were growing increasingly dissatisfied with how Marvel was putting the dick to them in terms of royalties (some shit never changes). These artists: Todd McFarlane, Jim Lee, Rob Liefeld, Erik Larsen, Jim Valentino, Marc Silvestri, and Whilce Portacio, all put their own money together and with some fellow writer allies (Chris Claremont and Fabian Nicieza) lending a hand, and low and behold, Image Comics was born. They were told they would fail, but from the first comics the publisher released, namely Liefeld’s “Youngblood”, McFarlane’s “Spawn”, Lee’s “Wild C.A.T.S.”, and Larsen’s “Savage Dragon”, created such an uproar and massive sales that it scared the shit both out of Marvel and DC alike.

Over the years, the original Image lineup has come and gone, with other talent like Mark Millar, Robert Kirkman, Brian Michael Bendis, Jonathan Hickman, and plenty more all making names for themselves with Image before reaching superstardom with the bigger publisher boys. So now, let’s get on with this Top 10 of the best comics that Image has ever published. And if you’ve never checked any of them out before, well…you suck.


You knew this was going to be on here one way or another. Created by Todd McFarlane and the subject of a whole shit-ton of controversy in its early days, “Spawn” was like a breath of fresh air in the world of costumed douche-baggery. You all know the story. Government hitman Al Simmons was murdered and sent to Hell, where he made a deal with the devil to return to Earth. Over 200 issues and going, “Spawn” always suffered from convoluted plots, but what’s really funny is that while it never managed to retain the massive popularity it had in the late 90s, the comic actually got more enjoyable. Recently taken in a bold and new direction, and with a new Spawn too, it’s the best the comic has been in quite some time.


Created by writer/artist Erik Larsen, and like “Spawn” is still going strong since 1993, “Savage Dragon” was a unique, and bloody, take on the superhero genre. A giant green-finned beast of a man (hence the name) is discovered by Chicago cops lying unconscious with no memory of who he is. Eventually he joins the force and starts to take on the hordes of supervillains that plague the city. What makes “Savage Dragon” be so consistently good for so long is that Larsen has remained the title’s sole writer and artist for nearly 20 years and going. Whatever you do, just don’t watch any re-runs of the “Savage Dragon” cartoon from the 90s, that piece of shit was horrible.


Kurt Busiek made a name for himself telling a larger than life superhero story from the point of view of an average joe with Alex Ross on “Marvels” for Marvel in the early 90s, which set the stage for what they would conjure up with “Astro City”. Along with artist Brent Anderson, the trio managed to create an intricately designed world with a huge cast of characters. All this makes for some truly epic and grandiose storytelling that’s truly a sight to behold. Between all that and the numerous nods to comic book legend Jack Kirby, and you have something really, really special here.


Before Robert Kirkman set the comic book world on fire with “The Walking Dead”, he crafted “Invincible”. An ongoing series that revolves around a teenager discovering that he is the son of the world’s greatest superhero, “Invincible” features more shocking and surprisingly poignant moments that have made it such an addictive read since it was first published. That, and the fact that Kirkman’s twists come so far out of left field that you’ll be hooked from the beginning and salivating to see what happens next.


A ghastly and original series from writer John Layman and artist Rob Guillory, “Chew” follows the adventures of FDA agent Tony Chu, who has the unique talent of getting a psychic impression off of anything he eats. And it isn’t just food that he finds himself chewing on either… A nasty and innovative series, “Chew” is a darkly hilarious blast that definitely isn’t for everyone. It’s insanely enjoyable however and more than worth you giving it a try.


One of the most infamous titles to come out of the Image stable (and is a spin-off of “Witchblade”, another famous Image title), “The Darkness” is as brutal and unforgiving as one can possibly imagine. Revolving around mob hitman Jackie Estacado, who becomes endowed with the power of the otherworldly beings known as “darklings” to reign hell down on all those that oppose him. Frequently crossing over with “Witchblade” and other Image titles, “The Darkness” just recently celebrated a milestone in comics form, as well as hit video game adaptations. Even though it’s whole run has been a bit uneven at times, “The Darkness” remains one of the best titles to come out of Image ever.


Created by Sam Kieth, “The Maxx” is as prolific and revolutionary as it is just plain mind boggling. A semi-satire on superheroes and the like, “The Maxx” revolves around a social worker named Julie and a mysterious, costumed homeless man called the Maxx. Both people are linked by tragic events, and forever destined to roam the “outback” together: a mystical plane of existence. Spawning an animated series on MTV in the mid 90s, “The Maxx” is a haunting and strangely beautiful series that pushed the limits of mainstream comics and became startlingly poignant as it wound to a close. If you’ve never read any of “The Maxx”, you need to immediately.


Chances are, you already know a lot about “The Walking Dead”. Now a hit TV series on AMC, Robert Kirkman’s original comic book made so much noise upon its inception that it has forever left its mark on the comic book industry. A zombie-filled tale of survival that never ends, the story focuses on Georgia cop Rick Grimes as he eventually re-unites with his family and other survivors as they make their trek through zombie-riddled post-apocalyptic America. Keeping true with the Romero-crafted classic zombie films, the worst things to encounter in this world aren’t the flesh-eating undead, but the human survivors who have changed for the worse in this new world. Filled with twists, turns, unexpected deaths, and one of the absolute best villains to ever grace the pages of a comic book in The Governor, “The Walking Dead” has remained one of the best comic books to ever see the light of day.


Written and drawn by Jonathan Hickman, “The Nightly News” is a part satire, part espionage, part pure-fucked-up-ness look at the effect the American news media has on us all. A group of people that could be looked at as no more than being terrorists wages an all out war on the news media in an effort to get the rest of us to truly “wake up” as to what’s really going on around us, and the end results are shockingly terrifying. Made all the more magnificent by Hickman’s unique art and design structure, “The Nightly News” was such a critical hit that it made Hickman an overnight sensation, and pretty much got him the job with Marvel Comics he has now breathing new life into the Fantastic Four. Do yourself a favor and pick this up, you won’t regret it.


There’s not much about “Wanted” that hasn’t been said already, except for the fact that you should forget the action blockbuster abortion starring Angelina Jolie ever happened. Written by Mark Millar and drawn by J.G. Jones, “Wanted” tells the story of a young man named Wesley, stuck in a dead-end job with a cheating girlfriend, and basically an all-around loser. That is until the day he learns he is the son of The Killer, the world’s greatest supervillain, and that superheroes and supervillains once existed, only that the villains won and wiped the memory of both parties ever existing from the minds of every person on the planet. Per his late father’s wishes, Wesley begins training to be the greatest supervillain there will ever be, granted the freedom to do whatever he wants in the process. An adolescent super-fantasy, “Wanted” is a bloody blast of spectacular proportions. It’s unapologetic, nasty, and more nihilistic than anything you’ll ever read. That and the final line of dialogue in the series may be the greatest ending quote in the history of a comic book ever.

Well, that’s it folks. Image Comics fans may notice that there are a handful of more famous titles I left off of here, most notably “Youngblood” (which is flat out horrible) and “Witchblade” (which I always found overrated). That aside though, these are the best things Image has ever published in my humble opinion, and they all deserve your time and attention.


Sunday, February 12, 2012

A List of Insanely Hilarious LEGO Video Games

Ah yes, the joy of LEGO video games. They’re a simple pleasure, but they can be an oh so much fun one as well. Over the past few years, we’ve seen LEGO take on such licensed properties as Star Wars (numerous times), Indiana Jones, Batman, Pirates of the Caribbean, and Harry Potter. There are more LEGO games on the horizon, with a return to Batman and the larger DC Universe, along with some other unnamed licenses too. For as kid-friendly (and let’s face it, flat out identical to each other) all these LEGO video games are, I’m presenting a list of what the most awesome LEGO video games could be. Strap yourselves in folks…

(Just imagine seeing Ned Stark get his head chopped off in LEGO form!)

(Rapists, sadists, and drug addicts…in LEGO form! With hilarious LEGO limbs flying across the screen!)

(More LEGO limbs flying across the screen, and slow motion LEGO people fucking!)

LEGO 300
(See above)

(A serial killer of serial killers…fun for the whole family!)

(Mind-bending chest vaginas…I actually gagged a little when I thought how that would look in LEGO form)

(Just imagine how the adrenaline shot scene would look)

(Every time they hit the wall during a stunt they burst into LEGO pieces…and Ryan Dunn is a skeleton)

(Drugs and dirty cops in Baltimore…with LEGOS!)


(Zombie LEGOS in the mall. When they rip people apart hilarity ensues)

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Why You Should See "Drive"

They don’t make movies like “Drive” anymore, and that’s a travesty. Usually when you think about car chase action flicks, the first thing that probably pops in your head are visions of ultra-flashiness from all the shit-fest “Fast & Furious” films that have come out over the years, just because that’s how things are. Back in the day, when one thought about epic car-chase action films, you’d think “The French Connection”, “To Live and Die in L.A.”, “The Getaway”, “Bullitt”, and more besides. With “Drive”, we get a little return to those glory days of intelligent action/drama with cars and indie cool.

Ryan Gosling plays an unnamed man (only billed as “Driver” in the credits) that works as a Hollywood stunt driver and mechanic by day and wheelman by night. Soon after his neighbor (Carey Mulligan) catches his eye, Driver and his handler/boss (Bryan Cranston) fall in with a couple mob bosses (Albert Brooks and Ron Perlman) and bad shit begins to really hit the fan. There’s more to the story than that, I just don’t want to spoil it all for you here, because I really, REALLY want you to see “Drive”.

It appears so simple at first glance, but “Drive” is the most unpredictable and hypnotic film I’ve seen in a long time. Everything about it, from the pulsing synth-pop soundtrack to the Michael Mann-esque character vignettes makes it something special. It grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go, and has some of the most unabashed and shocking violence I’ve seen in a mainstream flick in a long time. That’s why I’m telling you to see it, because you’re not likely to see anything like it again for a while. See, major mainstream audiences for some reason tend to not enjoy character-driven drama, even if it has brilliant action set-pieces in it, which is why new films like the old ones I mentioned earlier are so rarely seen these days…and that makes “Drive” all the more special to me.

Now let it be said right here and now that this is not a film for everyone. Though it’s received a mammoth amount of critical acclaim, “Drive” has its share of detractors, mostly due to the fact that it isn’t an ultra-flashy burst of kinetic energy. Regardless of what your taste may be though, “Drive” deserves to be a given a chance for a viewing regardless. Rent it, buy it, watch it on demand, or illegally download it (kidding…kind of), whatever you choose, see this fucking movie right the fuck right now.

Thank me later.