Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Zombie Apocalypse is Coming...Maybe

Saturday in Miami marked an event that is shaking to say the least. Police discovered a naked man eating the face of another man, and shot him repeatedly until he finally went down after taking a shot to the head. Let me just break this all down for you one last time to make sure you all get the big picture.

He. Ate. His. Face.

Hannibal Lecter in Miami? Maybe so, but according to reports, the perpetrator was under the influence of “bath salts”, which apparently is the codename of some new form of LSD. Before I go any further, let me say that I myself have done my share of LSD…and I for one have never felt the need to FUCKING EAT SOMEONE. Granted I spent an hour or so talking to trees one night, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, whatever this guy was on, it leads me to ponder one important thing: how close are we to the zombie apocalypse? It’s not every day that you’re strolling along and see someone eating a fellow human being. Nor is it particularly normal to shoot said cannibal and HE JUST KEEPS FUCKING EATING the boor bastard, but here we are. Yes folks, these “bath salts” the guy was allegedly on are nothing more than a media smokescreen to hide from us, the American people, that the zombie apocalypse is at hand.

Over the next few weeks, expect to hear similar stories across the country (and perhaps world) as people will be attacked on the streets and eaten alive, followed by our good friends hanging out in cemeteries rising from the grave. I’m fucking serious. Not to mention the fact that the supposed end of the world is right around the corner…coincidence? I think fucking not.

Be prepared everyone, the end is near…

…okay not really, but this is some pretty wild shit isn’t it?

Say no to drugs kids. One minute you’re having a blast, and next thing you know, you’re buck ass naked in public eating your best friend’s face.


Sunday, May 13, 2012



The wait is finally over, and “The Avengers” has been unleashed upon the masses to record-setting box-office returns. After finally getting around to seeing it, I can safely say that it’s undoubtedly one of the best comic book/superhero movies of all time, and certainly the best “team” movie of all time to boot. That being said, it isn’t without its flaws in the least, so let’s go diving in head first and see what it’s all about here.

First off, getting Joss Whedon to write and direct “The Avengers” was a stroke of genius. His time writing the “Astonishing X-Men” comic series was the best handling the X-Men had gotten in ages, and makes me yearn for a Whedon-directed X-Men film so much it hurts my balls just thinking about it. He manages to juggle a roster of iconic and lesser-known characters without a majority of them feeling short-changed (except for Hawkeye, but mostly because he spends the first chunk of the movie possessed by Loki) and just seeing Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor all together on the big screen makes me feel like I’m 8 years old all over again.

The casting of the film is a mixed bag. I know we’ve seen all these guys already beforehand, but seeing them come together here really displays the flaws here in terms of the cast, namely Scarlett Johanssen as Black Widow. She doesn’t come off as that strong badass chick here like she did in “Iron Man 2”. Granted that she has her share of badass moments (namely the interrogation with Loki) but by the time the final battle comes around, both she and Hawkeye just seem like they were shoehorned into the massive battle. If anything, I’d love to see her get replaced (and Black Widow as a whole actually) in future installments, namely by Ms. Marvel, because if it’s one thing this team needs, it’s a powerhouse superheroine.

As for the rest of the crew, the more I see of Chris Evans, the more convinced I am that he’s the perfect choice for Captain America. His new costume, not so much. It looks like he’s got a condom head, but hey, at least he doesn’t look too ridiculous (see the early 90s movie with the rubber fucking ears). Personally I loved his WWII garb from his movie last summer, maybe another variation of that would have been better suited, but hey, that’s just me. Robert Downey Jr and Chris Hemsworth as Iron Man and Thor respectively are great, but Mark Ruffalo surprisingly steals the show as Bruce Banner, and holy mother of fucking shit, the Hulk moments are so great that I nearly had an orgasm watching them unfold on the big screen.

As for the film itself, it was a wonderfully realized ultra-epic comic book adventure. One thing I noticed is a decent amount of backlash from comic book fans about stuff they consider “wrong” with it, but I’m not going to bother picking it apart. I could if I really wanted to, but god-fucking-damnit, I’m not going to. Why? Because it delivered the goods in terms of what I wanted to see: an ultra-epic presentation of Marvel’s greatest superheroes teaming up and going on a full-scale Earthbound-battle ground. I didn’t go as gaga over it as so many others have, but I thoroughly enjoyed it for what it is, and that’s all that really matters.

In terms of the eventual sequel, well, I’m looking more forward to that happening than I was to this film believe it or not. Seeing Thanos at the end of the film snickering to The Other makes me swoon and hope for a full-blown intergalactic Avengers film that takes the grand scale of this film and makes it look like a low-budget D-movie. Make it happen for fuck’s sake Marvel! I haven’t read a Marvel comic and not been disappointed in quite a few years, but goddamnit, Marvel’s films since Iron Man (namely the main Marvel movies, the other ones owned by different movie studios like “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” and “X-Men: First Class” don’t count) haven’t let me down, so I’m holding faith for them until I’m proven wrong.

It goes without saying that if you haven’t seen “The Avengers” yet (and I think there’s only like five people on the planet that haven’t) you definitely should. It’s the best Marvel superhero movie yet, and one of the most enjoyable superhero movies of all time thus far. Go see it goddamnit, you’ll be glad that you did.

Oh yeah, seeing how well “The Avengers” turned out makes me wish DC and Warner Bros. would get their shit together and follow the Marvel trend of releasing superhero movies to lead up to a Justice League flick. Instead, we get excellent Batman movies, an abysmal Superman flick (“Superman Returns”) that’s so bad it gets rebooted (next year’s “Man of Steel”) and a Green Lantern adaptation that makes my asshole pucker just thinking about it. Come on guys, get your shit together for Christ’s sake.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Gays Should Get Married...and the Real Reasons Why Those That Are Against Gay Marriage Are Really Against It

Oh my dear sweet God, gays want to get married? Where the hell do these heathens get off wanting to have the same rights as everyone else? Jesus Christ they’re almost as bad as those people that aren’t white. Next thing you know they’ll wanna vote too…

Now, you probably know not to take any of what I just said seriously in the least right? Anyway, one thing that boggled my mind lately is the wave of bigotries to come out in the media and politics lately, whether it’s one form or another of bashing against women, blacks, non-Christians, and most of all it seems, gays. North Carolina decided to do what we all figured they would do and ban gay marriage, as well as put the collective dick in the ass of anyone else they don’t recognize as being fit enough to get hitched in their lovely ass-backwards state where the only life forms that should be getting cornholed are the local farm sheep and Bubba Ray’s cousin.

Anyway, the very next damn day President Barack Obama himself stunned everyone it seems (really?) by going on national television and declaring that gays should have the right to get married goddamnit. Now I know that Obama is pretty much only declaring this now because it won’t be too long until we’ll all have to cast our votes again, and his opposition is the typical brand of Republican bigot (plus he’s an alleged bully and animal abuser, so the people of North Carolina should love him), so it’s not like Obama didn’t already have their votes, but I digress.

The point I’m trying to make here is that homosexuals DESERVE to be able to get married. The fact that gays getting hitched aren’t recognized in every state across the country is a fucking travesty. Why am I getting on my soapbox in support of gay marriage you ask? Because let’s be honest, gay married couples have as much right to be as miserable as heterosexual married couples. The fact that we don’t let them in on the non-fun of marriage isn’t just a slap in the face to homosexuals, but a slap in the face to heterosexuals, because goddamnit, misery loves company.

Once again, I wind up being ridiculous on a serious subject. Anyway, the major argument that we hear from people opposed to gay marriage is that “marriage is a sacred institution”. Let’s get one thing out in the open right now folks, there is no such thing as marriage being sacred, especially here in America. If marriage were so sacred, the divorce rate wouldn’t be way over 50%, which it has been for quite some time, and it isn’t going to substantially go down any time soon either. Not to mention the fact that as America, we are the land of reality TV. We have shows like “The Bachelor”, “The Bachelorette”, “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire”, and plenty more besides. TV shows based in “reality” (that really aren’t) that take something as “sacred” as marriage between a man and a woman and turn it into entertainment for idiots. Does that still make it sacred? Really? No, I don’t fucking think so folks.

The whole idea of marriage between a man and a woman only and that it’s sacred, where do we get it from? The same book full of bad ideas that we’ve taken so many ideas and laws from before: the good ‘ol Bible. Now I’m not going to knock anyone’s faith here, as everyone has the right to believe in whatever the hell they want to, but one thing that people need and should have realized a long time ago that the Bible more than anything is a basic guide on how people should live, i.e. people and civilization back during the time it was written, not in the modern day.

Too many have taken the words of the Bible far too literally, using them and misconstruing them to their own devices and personal gains. Where has it gotten us as a society? Its split us up and made groups of people hate each other because they believe in different things. The majority of those that follow the Bible in a literal sense often cite that it’s said that, and I’m paraphrasing here, “man should not lay with another man” or something to that effect, automatically meaning that homosexuality is wrong and anyone practicing it should be killed automatically, that is if you take the story of Sodom & Gomorrah in the most literal of senses as well. Why is this however? Because back then, no one understood homosexuality and thought it an anomaly, but look back through history and you’ll see that it’s as much a constant as human beings are. Not to mention the fact that homosexuality is recorded in animal wildlife as well. In other words, it’s as natural as heterosexuality, and these close-minded people refuse to accept it because they refuse to see it as being anything other than wrong.

Also, one last thing about the Bible to throw around, consider this when one takes everything from it in such a literal sense. The Old Testament God was a vengeful, almost evil prick of a god that exerted His omnipotence to the point that it seemed He enjoyed making those who worshipped him suffer. Anyone that went against His words was up shit creek without a paddle and went without forgiveness. The God presented in the New Testament is much more forgiving, and makes it known that you can fuck up and be a scumbucket, but goddamnit; you have to feel guilty about it. When the Old Testament was originally written, humanity as a whole were practically baboons in terms of how they lived. They needed a structural guidance to live by and needed to be kept in some sort of check because they weren’t civilized at all. By the time the New Testament was conjured up, people had changed and weren’t as bat-shit insane as they’d been when the Old Testament was first written, and decided that that shit was just way too strict to keep going by. So, they came up with the New Testament, and decided “Let’s go have some fun, but pretend we feel bad about it afterwards to keep everything straight, okay guys? Great, let’s go nail these whores while our wives cook back home.”

So you see, taking it all in such a literal sense gets you FUCKING NOWHERE, so stop citing religious texts as a way to hide your own prejudice and fear of homosexuality. They’re people just like you and me, and if they want to get married then goddamnit, they should be allowed to. In the long run, I honestly do believe that within the next decade or so, we’ll be ashamed of ourselves as we look back at the fact that this was ever such a big issue in the first fucking place.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled dick & fart jokes.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

The Five Heroes We Want in the Next "Avengers" Films

With the American release of “The Avengers” just about here, we all know that there are going to be inevitable sequels. With a roster featuring Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Nick Fury; comic fans far and wide know that the history of the Avengers is littered with a whole shit-ton of past and present team members. For the inevitable sequels, new characters are definitely bound to be introduced to the movie-going public, so let’s take a look at just who should be introduced in the next installments of the feature film adaptations of Marvel’s superhero all-star squad. I've narrowed my choices down to five characters (and that was actually surprisingly tough) so strap yourselves in here fellow nerds.

NOTE: Two of the obvious choices here would definitely be the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, but considering that they’re Magneto’s kids in the Marvel universe, and Fox still owns the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related, who knows if they’d even be able to be featured in an Avengers movie, so I’m leaving them off of this list.

Here we go:


Yes, the name itself may make you giggle, but consider this: when Stan Lee and co. first introduced the Avengers way back when, Ant-Man was one of the founding members. The alter-ego of brilliant scientist Hank Pym, Ant-Man can shrink himself to microscopic levels, and uses a super-duper helmet to control ants. Over the years, Hank changed his identity to codenames like Giant Man, Goliath, and Yellowjacket, while also becoming able to make himself grow in size to ridiculously gigantic levels. Hank’s been written to be a bit of an asshole over the years, so having him on the team would make for a bit of a different dynamic. “Shaun of the Dead” director Edgar Wright has been involved with an “Ant-Man” feature film for a while, but the damn thing has never gotten off the ground. With the popularity of Marvel heroes soaring through the roof like never before, now would never be a better time to get that flick off the ground and use it as a tie-in for another Avengers movie.


What would an Avengers team with Ant-Man be without having the Wasp as well? Hank’s occasional wife Janet features the same sort of powers that he does, but she also manages to use “stinger”-like projectiles as well. Like Hank, Janet has frequently been portrayed as a bit of a twat, but considering how volatile a relationship she and Hank have had over the years, who could blame her? Still, like Hank, she’s a founding member of the Avengers, and deserves to be there every bit as much as Hank.


Occasionally known as Warbird (and even Captain Marvel), Carol Danvers is as badass as they come in terms of superheroines. Super strong, invulnerable, fast, she can fly, and she takes no shit…she’s the exact kind of super powered female that belongs with the Avengers and deserves to have a cinematic counterpart to display all of what I just mentioned. Make it happen folks.


Revitalized over the past decade from a bit of a joke of a superhero into a take-no-prisoners team leader, Luke Cage deserves to be in the next Avengers flick. He has unbreakable skin and brawls with the best of them, and over the years in the comics, he’s become a leader for the team as well. Director John Singleton has been attached to make a solo Cage film over the past few years, but nothing has developed and it appears the project probably won’t happen anytime soon, if at all. In those regards, why the fuck not include him in the next Avengers flick? Come on now, we want it!


An android that can change the density of his body, Vision has been an Avenger for so damned long that not having him in the film is kind of a crime. Originally created by the villainous robot Ultron (who himself was an aborted creation of Hank Pym), Vision joined the Avengers and fought back. Including Vision in upcoming films opens up including Ultron as a future supervillain, which ultimately becomes a massive win-win for all of us.

That’s all for now folks, now stop reading and go check out “The Avengers” for fuck’s sake.