Sunday, November 27, 2011

Metallica and Lou Reed...Make One Big Pile of Shit

What the fuck happened here?

That’s the real question that permeated throughout my brain, when the real question I should ask instead is just simply, “why?” Why did these two fuckholes decide to collaborate together? Why did Lou Reed and Metallica decide to make this fucking train wreck of an album called “Lulu”?

Let me start by saying that despite all the negativity surrounding Metallica over the years (most of it deserved), I remained a huge fan throughout my youth. There's no denying the impact the band has had on the metal genre, bringing it to mainstream audiences like no band ever could before, and in all honesty, no band has really been able to do since. Acts over the years like Korn, Disturbed, and countless others have achieved great deals of mainstream success, but didn't have either the staying power, or the mix of raw talent and songwriting ability that Metallica had all throughout the 1980s to the late 90s. Well, okay, it was the talent that these groups of assclowns were completely devoid of.

Now, here we are.

The most legendary metal band other than Black Sabbath uniting with legendary singer/songwriter Lou Reed to bring us "Lulu"; a collaboration of two distinctly different acts that could either be a smashing success or a complete and utter train wreck. Well folks, "Lulu" is possibly the biggest train wreck of music I think I've ever heard. With the Metallica boys in the background and Lou on vocals, "Lulu" is an unimaginative mess. Every single track on this album sounds so disjointed and just plain ugly that you'll be plugging your ears from the get-go. I'm not exaggerating here or kidding either, "Lulu" isn’t just plain horrible, it’s a musical abortion.

The real tragedy about this is these two legendary acts combining to make this. It wasn't a match that made sense to begin with, which is kind of what honestly made me look kind of forward to it in the first place: it was something different. Well, it is something different alright, it's just plain garbage. It's a shame too; "Lulu" could have been something that at least warranted a listen for fans of either, or any, music genre just for the sake of curiosity alone. Instead, this is what we're left with: a gaping black hole of an album that makes me want to shit my pants in utter amazement and overall sadness. Sadness because Lou Reed is a legend in his own right, and Metallica was the pioneering thrash band that came out of the Bay Area and took the world by storm.

No matter what these acts do from this day forward, their legendary status cannot ever really be questioned by anyone but their respective haters.

But no matter how legendary their status is and possibly always will be, they can’t ever deny that they crafted “Lulu”, which is the equivalent of that red-headed kid you conceived that night when you cheated on your husband with the bartender and tried to abort it with a wire hanger, only to fail miserably, scar its face, and eventually give birth in the office basement and keep it hidden with a steady diet of peanut shavings and Robitussin.

In other words, it’s a mistake that was known upon its conception, went through with anyway, and now is hated and despised by all that encounter it.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shit I'm Thankful For

Ah yes, it’s that time of year. The time of year where we all gather around the dinner table with a various assortment of relatives that we usually do everything we can to avoid being around. This includes but is not exclusive to, your narcoleptic father who has managed to make it away from the couch and watching football, but still managed to bring his trusty beer cozy to the table. Your whore of a cousin and her current boy-toy of the month that decided to wear a Pabst Blue-Ribbon t-shirt to the gathering. Your aunt that goes on and on about her awesome son that owns property in Manhattan. Your other aunt that creepily goes to great lengths discussing how proud she was when her daughter (i.e., your whore of a cousin) got her first period and graphically detailing the monolithic event while you choke on your cranberry sauce. And who can forget your weird Uncle Steve, who even though you’re all grown up now, are still not allowed to be around alone, so say your parents.

Ah yes folks, it’s Thanksgiving. A holiday in which we give thanks for everything we have. A holiday in which images of gatherings between pilgrims and Native American Indians pop up in your head. A holiday in which we give thanks to those pilgrims and our forefathers for wrestling and taking this land we now live on from its native people and slaughtering them in the process. Were it not for that eventual act of genocide in the name of God, we wouldn’t be here today, because remember folks, as long as you’re white (and maybe a little bit of brown), God loves you and looks out for you always.

Let me cut my shtick for now and get on to just what all I’m thankful for today. In this crazy world we live in where we’re teetering on the brink of economic collapse and people are “occupying” public places just to try to get in the pants of (or at least get a handy from) that cute hippy chick they know from their poetry class, we should all have at least one or two things to give thanks for. So, without further adieu, here’s a list of just what I’m thankful for. Strap yourselves in folks…

Shit I’m thankful for:

High definition hockey

Getting laid on a semi-regular basis

The NBA lockout (because the drama here is more entertaining than basketball has been in a long time)

LeBron James still not having a Championship ring

That there’s no debtors’ prison

Free internet porn

Catholic high school girl uniforms


Sylvester Stallone making an “Expendables” sequel

That I didn’t have to pay a dime to hear the Metallica and Lou Reed collaboration by illegally downloading it, so I didn’t get mad when it almost brought me to tears by how ungodly horrible it is

That George Romero isn’t dead yet

That the remake of “The Crow” looks dead in the water

That there aren’t all that many daycares around Penn State University


The birth control pill

Plan B

Hearing the words “you are not the father”

Not being a father

Anything that gets me out of being a father

Well folks, that’s pretty much it in terms of what I’m thankful for this year. Didn’t think any of it was funny? Think it may be a little too much? How about you let me come over and stuff your turkey good and proper then? Yeah, that’s what I thought…


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Why You Should Shut the Fuck Up About Joe Paterno

First things first here, I’m really sick and tired of hearing about Joe fucking Paterno. Over a week later and people are still “up in arms” about the legendary Penn State football coach’s firing amidst the revelations of some ass hole on his coaching staff having his way with various young boys over an extended period of time. Paterno himself did nothing wrong, other than not following through after initially reporting it to the athletic director and whoever else. Upon news of Paterno getting shitcanned, along with a lot of other people for basically doing nothing but sitting on their hands, Penn State students protested and rioted. And now, here we are.

It’s been a long time since I’ve watched college football and generally enjoyed it, but when I did, watching Penn State was usually always an entertaining endeavor. Paterno was the iconic man on the sideline, the coach who had been there for nearly 50 fucking years and setting records across the board along the way. Now, he’s practically a disgrace. In the wake of Paterno’s firing, the one thing that pisses me off more than anything are all these people calling Paterno’s shitcanning a disgrace and a tragedy…

…no, you stupid fuckers, the tragedy and disgrace isn’t what happened to Paterno, it’s that Paterno and everyone else involved that knew something bad was happening didn’t do anything about it. You can say all you want that they did their jobs by reporting it up the chain at Penn State, but why the fuck didn’t anyone call the cops at the very least. The guy who actually heard this Sandusky cocksucker doing shit to these kids should have interceded at the very fucking least. If it were me in his shoes, no matter who I saw or heard doing these horrible things to a fucking kid, I swear on everything I hold dear I would have run straight in and beat the mother loving shit out of the scumbucket with no fucking mercy. Instead, this kind of shit went on for YEARS. More victims are coming forward every other day, victims that wouldn’t exist if SOMEONE WOULD HAVE FUCKING DONE SOMETHING TO PUT A STOP TO IT IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE.

And while Paterno and company may have lost their jobs, these kids are fucked for life and scarred for all time. That is the tragedy and disgrace, not an 80-some year old man not coaching a college football team anymore.

Get your shit straight people, and please, shut the fuck up about Joe fucking Paterno. His legacy is now forever pissed upon, and he has no one to blame but himself and his crew.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

My Thoughts on a "Blade Runner" Sequel

When it comes to hard science fiction films, they rarely get better than Blade Runner. A 1982 film adaptation of Philip K. Dick’s “Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?” the film was directed by then up-and-comer Ridley Scott, who was hot off the success of the original Alien and starred Harrison Ford in the role of cyborg hunter Rick Deckard. Though it ultimately failed at the box office when originally released, over the years that followed the film gained a cult following, which blossomed into Blade Runner being renowned as a classic of the genre.

Now, here we are in 2011, and Ridley Scott, who in the years since directed such films as Thelma & Louise, Gladiator, Hannibal, Kingdom of Heaven, and Robin Hood among others, has announced his intention to direct a full-fledged sequel.

Yes folks, nearly 30 years later, and we’re getting a sequel to Blade Runner…whether we want one or not.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’d love to see more of a look into the dystopian future that Scott adapted from PKD, but for the life of me I can’t imagine a sequel in this day and age that could really carry the flame of what the original film was all about, even if it was directed by fucking Ridley Scott. Personally, I just think Scott’s gone crazy since he decided to direct the upcoming Alien prequel Prometheus (due out next year, and so far it looks wicked) and now he wants to return to the well so to speak by revisiting the genre and films that helped him make a name for himself in the first place.

Yet somehow, I kind of do want to see a Blade Runner sequel. As great as the original film was, it wasn’t quite all that faithful to the source material. I’d love to see a more faithful look at the world PKD visualized, and with what Scott was able to accomplish back in 1982, the sky is literally the limit as to what he and his crew could craft today.

No matter what happens, as of right now this is all hypothetical and only in the planning stages at best. This may never happen, and there’s a strong possibility that it may not. For all intents and purposes, Blade Runner is a cult classic that doesn’t have a gigantic following, even though it is a beloved film now and forever. If anything I always figured someone would get the bright idea to remake it…and now that I’ve said that, watch Scott drop out but the studio decide to go ahead and green light a remake…probably starring a douche bag from Twilight and be directed by Brett Ratner.

Shit…sorry for jinxing it folks.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Misadventures and Advice in the Publishing World

I was told recently that I should write a blog going over some of my own publishing follies and offer up some advice to aspiring writers…

…well, here the fuck I am.

It isn’t until you create something and try to market it that you realize just how difficult it is to get your shit out there and make something off of it.

What’s that? Create something for the sake of profit instead of just letting the creative juices flow for the sake of creativity? I’m selling out?

You’re fucking right I’m selling out, and I’ll tell all y’all why: because when you’ve been pounding the pavement for so damn long to get your work and name out there and get some kind, ANY KIND, of recognition; you really stop giving a shit about creative credibility after a while. Case in point, I’ve been an aspiring comic book writer/artist since I was 16 fucking years old. Here we are now, eleven years later, and what’s changed? That’s right, I’m still an aspiring writer, though at this point the medium I want to dabble in has expanded to just about anything I can get myself into.

Getting published is a crapshoot to say it lightly…but to put it bluntly; it’s a fucking crapshoot with AIDS. You can shop around your work as much as you can, but no matter what you’ll get the door shut in your face more often than not. Nobody gives a shit about your idea or a story you wrote, no matter how good you think it may be, and no matter how good it may in fact be after all. You know why most publishers don’t give a shit? Because they get bombarded with material from every other douche bag that fancies themselves a writer. Most of these types of people can be found in Starbucks, Barnes & Noble, or any other chain store that offers free Wi-Fi and the chance to let others see you with a laptop in front of you trying to look busy and interesting.

Since nobody gives a shit about you and your work and whatever you can compose with a pen and paper, what the fuck do you do? Well, truth be told there isn’t a whole lot you can do. You can either keep shopping your work around; hoping against hope that it piques the interest of someone, or you can go another route and just publish it yourself. That option is far from being cheap, but more often than not, if your work really is good that damn good, someone will notice it. It happens to comic book writers all the time. So many independent writers and artists alike have crafted independent comics that would catch the attention of big name companies Marvel and DC. In the literary world, it doesn’t happen as much in today’s day and age, but it does occur.

Anyway, back on point. I’ve shopped around something for so damned long that it’s starting to seem like the most fruitless endeavor in the history of ever (and no, I’m not talking about my cock being shopped around either, hardy fucking har). I wrote a short story in college as a joke more than anything, and called it “Hillbilly Holocaust” (and yes, I copyrighted the title). It’s a story that features inbred hillbillies, zombies, and a bit of the old ultraviolent revenge type of thing. After getting a surprising response from various students and faculty on campus, I decided to take it more serious and streamline it a bit, taking out the comedic elements and making it more straight-forward horror and suspense…which led to me getting an even bigger and better response from people. Since then, I’ve re-worked it (yet again) with the intention of making it into a full-blown graphic novel…something I’ve dreamed of doing for so fucking long. So I shopped it around to smaller-market comic publishers like Dark Horse, Image, Avatar Press, and a few other indie labels I’ve never heard of…

…and subsequently had the door slammed on my face in the process.

It really is a hard industry to really break through into. While Image and Dark Horse showed a surprising amount of interest, it just isn’t something they believe would work right now. Maybe they’re right…but I’m going to prove to them that they’re not right about it at all. So, I’ve decided to publish the short-story version of “Hillbilly Holocaust” to Amazon’s Kindle. I learned from a friend (and fellow aspiring author) that Amazon offers the chance to publish your work to their electronic reading device.

Hey, it’s something.

It’s also something I recommend any aspiring writer to do just to get a start. After that…well, it’s really just a matter of selling yourself. You really have to flat-out whore yourself out to get anywhere, and even when you do, you’re still not guaranteed to get anywhere. No matter what though, and this is something I learned after quite some time, don’t give up. No matter how shitty the situation seems and no matter how much someone tells you how shit your ambition and/or work is, give them the finger and keep your head up (and possibly fuck their girlfriend/wife just to get your point across) and don’t give up on what you want to do.

That’s really all the advice I can offer up for the time being…

…and oh yeah, go download “Hillbilly Holocaust” from Amazon. Even if you don’t have a Kindle, you can download it straight to your computer and read it from there. And it’ll only cost you 3 American dollars, so what the fuck is your excuse?

What’s my excuse for making a shameless plug? Well, I’m a whore…and I often act as such, that’s why.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Why Facebook Isn't Fun Anymore

Remember when Facebook was fun? When you would look at your friend’s statuses and laugh your ass off at some ridiculous things, and come up with some ridiculous things yourself for your own status just for shits and giggles and to give your pals a good laugh as well?

Yeah, Facebook isn’t like that anymore. Didn’t you get the memo?

I don’t want to pick on anyone here, I really don’t, but can’t anyone come up with anything better than re-posting statuses that deal with shit like “supporting the troops”, or “if you have a great mom”, or “God says it’s his will my wife fucked my neighbor”, or some other crap for fuck’s sake? And when did everyone become so fucking sensitive? If you make a joke or say something that’s remotely biting humor in regards to anything involving religion, abortion, bestiality, or anything outside the norm; you’re an insensitive scumbag that gets reported to Mark Zuckerberg’s underlings and you get the digital equivalent to forty lashes with a wet noodle. Case in point, some time ago I posted a link in regards to discussions of the government pulling the plug on Planned Parenthood, and made a joke regarding abortion…and holy fucking shit did I get lampooned for it in return. I had no idea that I was Facebook friends with so many people that take life and all its unintentional hilarity so damn serious, so many that in fact I got deleted, blocked, AND reported and had said link removed.


On another occasion, I made a joke about homeless people being thrown bottles of booze to play a game I lovingly called “hungry hungry hobos”. After getting quite a few laughs and funny reactions, I was subsequently called ignorant and told that I should watch that shitty Will Smith movie “The Pursuit of Happiness”, which is allegedly proof that not all homeless people are alcoholics. Keep in mind that said douche bag is himself ignorant of the fact that “The Pursuit of Happiness” is not as true a story as was advertised (and is largely known that the man Smith played was in fact a drug-raddled boozer himself) and also has little to no sense of humor…except when repeatedly posting statuses talking about being a “gangsta” in the “streets of Reading, PA” (which if you are not familiar with, is a shitty excuse of a city that’s surrounded by farm land) and hilariously enough can’t seem to read and spell above the third-grade level.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that life is not worth living if you take EVERY little goddamn thing so seriously. What’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy life and have some fun? Is it really necessary to live life with a stick shoved up your ass and take it out on everybody by raining on their parade? If you do that in real, everyday life, that’s one thing…but being like that on Facebook is something else entirely. It’s the internet for the love of fuck; it’s the absolute least-sacred place in the history of the fucking planet Earth. When people aren’t participating in Facebook-fuckstickery, they’re downloading internet porn. That’s the internet, that’s what it’s designed for: fucking around, jerking off to porn, and being an outlet for those that have to live boring lives. The wankers and fun police shaking their fingers at everything they deem offensive need to take a long look in the mirror and realize that not only does the everyday, real-life world not revolve around them, but the digital world doesn’t either.

In other words, take the sticks out of your collective asses and lighten the fuck up.

Or get laid.