Sunday, November 27, 2011
Metallica and Lou Reed...Make One Big Pile of Shit
What the fuck happened here?
That’s the real question that permeated throughout my brain, when the real question I should ask instead is just simply, “why?” Why did these two fuckholes decide to collaborate together? Why did Lou Reed and Metallica decide to make this fucking train wreck of an album called “Lulu”?
Let me start by saying that despite all the negativity surrounding Metallica over the years (most of it deserved), I remained a huge fan throughout my youth. There's no denying the impact the band has had on the metal genre, bringing it to mainstream audiences like no band ever could before, and in all honesty, no band has really been able to do since. Acts over the years like Korn, Disturbed, and countless others have achieved great deals of mainstream success, but didn't have either the staying power, or the mix of raw talent and songwriting ability that Metallica had all throughout the 1980s to the late 90s. Well, okay, it was the talent that these groups of assclowns were completely devoid of.
Now, here we are.
The most legendary metal band other than Black Sabbath uniting with legendary singer/songwriter Lou Reed to bring us "Lulu"; a collaboration of two distinctly different acts that could either be a smashing success or a complete and utter train wreck. Well folks, "Lulu" is possibly the biggest train wreck of music I think I've ever heard. With the Metallica boys in the background and Lou on vocals, "Lulu" is an unimaginative mess. Every single track on this album sounds so disjointed and just plain ugly that you'll be plugging your ears from the get-go. I'm not exaggerating here or kidding either, "Lulu" isn’t just plain horrible, it’s a musical abortion.
The real tragedy about this is these two legendary acts combining to make this. It wasn't a match that made sense to begin with, which is kind of what honestly made me look kind of forward to it in the first place: it was something different. Well, it is something different alright, it's just plain garbage. It's a shame too; "Lulu" could have been something that at least warranted a listen for fans of either, or any, music genre just for the sake of curiosity alone. Instead, this is what we're left with: a gaping black hole of an album that makes me want to shit my pants in utter amazement and overall sadness. Sadness because Lou Reed is a legend in his own right, and Metallica was the pioneering thrash band that came out of the Bay Area and took the world by storm.
No matter what these acts do from this day forward, their legendary status cannot ever really be questioned by anyone but their respective haters.
But no matter how legendary their status is and possibly always will be, they can’t ever deny that they crafted “Lulu”, which is the equivalent of that red-headed kid you conceived that night when you cheated on your husband with the bartender and tried to abort it with a wire hanger, only to fail miserably, scar its face, and eventually give birth in the office basement and keep it hidden with a steady diet of peanut shavings and Robitussin.
In other words, it’s a mistake that was known upon its conception, went through with anyway, and now is hated and despised by all that encounter it.