Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Shit I'm Thankful For

Ah yes, it’s that time of year. The time of year where we all gather around the dinner table with a various assortment of relatives that we usually do everything we can to avoid being around. This includes but is not exclusive to, your narcoleptic father who has managed to make it away from the couch and watching football, but still managed to bring his trusty beer cozy to the table. Your whore of a cousin and her current boy-toy of the month that decided to wear a Pabst Blue-Ribbon t-shirt to the gathering. Your aunt that goes on and on about her awesome son that owns property in Manhattan. Your other aunt that creepily goes to great lengths discussing how proud she was when her daughter (i.e., your whore of a cousin) got her first period and graphically detailing the monolithic event while you choke on your cranberry sauce. And who can forget your weird Uncle Steve, who even though you’re all grown up now, are still not allowed to be around alone, so say your parents.

Ah yes folks, it’s Thanksgiving. A holiday in which we give thanks for everything we have. A holiday in which images of gatherings between pilgrims and Native American Indians pop up in your head. A holiday in which we give thanks to those pilgrims and our forefathers for wrestling and taking this land we now live on from its native people and slaughtering them in the process. Were it not for that eventual act of genocide in the name of God, we wouldn’t be here today, because remember folks, as long as you’re white (and maybe a little bit of brown), God loves you and looks out for you always.

Let me cut my shtick for now and get on to just what all I’m thankful for today. In this crazy world we live in where we’re teetering on the brink of economic collapse and people are “occupying” public places just to try to get in the pants of (or at least get a handy from) that cute hippy chick they know from their poetry class, we should all have at least one or two things to give thanks for. So, without further adieu, here’s a list of just what I’m thankful for. Strap yourselves in folks…

Shit I’m thankful for:

High definition hockey

Getting laid on a semi-regular basis

The NBA lockout (because the drama here is more entertaining than basketball has been in a long time)

LeBron James still not having a Championship ring

That there’s no debtors’ prison

Free internet porn

Catholic high school girl uniforms


Sylvester Stallone making an “Expendables” sequel

That I didn’t have to pay a dime to hear the Metallica and Lou Reed collaboration by illegally downloading it, so I didn’t get mad when it almost brought me to tears by how ungodly horrible it is

That George Romero isn’t dead yet

That the remake of “The Crow” looks dead in the water

That there aren’t all that many daycares around Penn State University


The birth control pill

Plan B

Hearing the words “you are not the father”

Not being a father

Anything that gets me out of being a father

Well folks, that’s pretty much it in terms of what I’m thankful for this year. Didn’t think any of it was funny? Think it may be a little too much? How about you let me come over and stuff your turkey good and proper then? Yeah, that’s what I thought…


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