Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Alive & Well...?

Last Thursday I turned 26.

26 years old, something that I honestly thought I would never live to see.

Holy shit, I’m approaching 30!

It doesn’t seem all that long ago that my overall outlook on life was a bit bleak to say the least. At 21 I already felt burned out with no sense of direction. I occasionally went to community college, never thinking that it would actually get me anywhere, and drifted from shitty job to shitty job in the meantime. To really summarize things, all I had really thought was pretty much the equivalent of “fuck the future”.

“Fuck the future”.

That was my mentality, and that phrase in itself pretty much sums up my lack of drive at the time.

Then something happened…

I was introduced to the work of Charles Bukowski, and for the first time in my life, I actually related to something in the literary realm. Here was this down-on-his-luck-type of guy, who struggled with all things related to booze and women alike, yet somehow had this degree of humanity shining through in his work that one wouldn’t be able to see just by coming into actual contact with the man. I admired him so much, his poetry and prose alike. Thanks to Bukowski, I began having a love for literature that I never had before.

After exposing myself to as much of Bukowski’s work as I could get my hands on, I found a new appreciation for all the books I was “forced” to read in high school. "Of Mice and Men", "Moby Dick", "1984", "To Kill a Mockingbird"…all the works that were force-fed to me I read over again with this newfound consciousness that I was never aware I possessed…and I was made all the better for it. That wasn’t all however, as I would be exposed to a whole new world of authors who, as cliché as it may sound, actually spoke to me like none ever had before: D.H. Lawrence, Jack Kerouac, William Burroughs, Allen Ginsberg, Ken Kesey, and more besides.

Yes, Bukowski practically helped me put my shit together and get my life in order…because I didn’t want to become that middle-aged guy with nothing to call his own staring down the inside of a whiskey bottle. That in itself may sound like a bit of a conundrum to anyone familiar with Bukowski’s work, considering the fact that the man himself didn’t achieve fame or notoriety until he was much older, and here I am at 26 as a struggling writer and perhaps would-be author.

Regardless of whether or not I actually achieve any sort of notoriety, there is one simple fact that remains: I’m not giving up. Tenacity is a powerful thing for one to possess, and knowing that I’ve come this far now after being written-off in my teens as a drug-raddled loser, the only direction that I can possibly go is forward.

That’s the lesson here folks. No matter if you’re looked down upon by others for whatever reasons, no matter how you may be labeled, no matter what anyone tells you that you can’t do…don’t give in, and don’t give up. It may sound like a cliché-type of thing to hear, but one thing I’ve noticed over the past few years is that those who believe themselves to be on a higher social status and automatically look down on someone for whatever reasons never truly stop being tools…and yes, we should all know how to properly identify tools at this point and time :)

Seriously though however, those who get looked down upon more often than not somehow manage to rise up and be better than they themselves could have ever imagined. They strive and move forward, and provide many a shock to others in the process of doing so.

And that kids is the moral of the story here. No matter how down and out you may find yourself being, know that you aren’t the first and certainly won’t be the last to feel that way. Just know that you can rise up, grow, evolve, and be better than anyone could have ever thought or hoped for you to be…and in the process you can teach some of those fuckers who labeled you a loser a thing or two about a thing or two.

Don’t give up, don’t give in.

…and now we resume the dick & fart jokes!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

How to tell if you're a tool...Part 3: The End

Well, we meet again. Since things these days tend to be produced in “trilogy” form (whether they are various series of movies, books, broken condoms, etc.) I figured what the fuck…let’s drag this “ways of knowing whether you or someone you know is a complete tool” a little bit farther, just for shits and giggles.

So strap yourselves in folks, this shit is going to be nothing less than epic…okay no it isn’t but you get the idea nevertheless…

So, here’s a final round of ways to tell if you or someone you know is a tool:

If hearing the words “From Judd Apatow and starring Seth Rogen” gets you excited

If you have a barbwire or tribal band tattoo wrapped around your bicep (seriously, you aren’t just a tool, you’re a douche bag too)

If you’ve just bought a LeBron James Miami Heat jersey

If the only time you read a book is when the movie comes out from which it's adapted

If more than half of your sent text messages are “American Idol” votes

If you think comic books are just kids’ stuff

If you base your political opinions from anchors and hosts on Fox News

If you think to yourself, “why isn’t Bill O’Reilly’s show longer?”

If you think the NFL is still exciting to watch

If you’ve ever gotten Jimi Hendrix and Lenny Kravitz confused for one another (and yes, I know people that often do)

If you think “Wanted” the movie was better and more believable than “Wanted” the comic

If your first reaction when seeing Stephen Hawking is to laugh

If you don’t believe in evolution

If you consider “Law & Order: SVU” a great cop show…or even a great show period

If you think actually furthering your education is a waste of time

If you smoke Parliament Lights

If you “had to have” an iPad on launch day

If you only own vinyl records just for decoration (somewhat guilty)

If you watch softcore porn late at night on Cinemax

If you wear clothing made by Affliction

If you don't think Adam Sandler flicks are formulaic in the least

If you are reading this blog (haha, gotcha!)

That’s all, it’s over…rejoice and be merry motherfuckers…just remember, DON’T BE A TOOL!

Saturday, July 17, 2010

How to tell if you're a tool...Part 2 motherfuckers!

Well...this isn't so much a Part 2 as it is a collection of shit I forgot to include with the last entry.

Either way, here's some more ways to tell if you or someone you know is a tool:

If the only Phillies games you've ever gone to or watched on TV occured AFTER they won the World Series

If you're a Yankees fan and you're not from New York

If you actually think that marriage is a sacred institution

If you think Megan Fox secures acting roles because of her "acting talent"

If you're over the age of 14 and you do whippets

If you think hockey is a pussy sport because they're on ice skates

If you fail to see the rampant homoeroticism in American football and actually consider it a hardcore type of sport

If you think soccer being called "futbol" everywhere else but America is stupid

If you ever listened to Crazy Town

If you're white and add the word "izzle" onto actual words when you speak

If you wear a cap sideways (and if you do, you should seriously be shot...repeatedly)

If you think that "Pearl Harbor" is the best war movie you've ever seen

If you think zombies are better as the running type than the traditional slow type

If you think George Clooney was the best Batman

If you think we've actually made progress in Iraq

If you're over 40 years old and you Bic your head

If you bought a Nintendo Wii when it first launched and can on one hand how many times you've actually played it

If you think Glenn Beck is intelligent

If you take either Rush Limbaugh or Michael Moore at their words...both of them are equally full of shit

If you shelled out the money for a big-screen HD TV but don't want to pay for cable

If you like the smell of gasoline (guilty)

If you think you're actually doing right by the environment by driving a hybrid

If you enjoy spoiling the endings of movies to people

If you still think "The Matrix" was original

If the only Jackie Chan movies you know about are his Americanized family friendly ones

If you actually pay for porn

...and that folks is all for now!

Remember that we all have some tool-esque qualities that sometimes we just can't help, so if you meet the criteria for a handful of these, fear not...but if you fit the criteria for quite a few of these...well my friend, YOU'RE A FUCKING TOOL!!!!!!

one love...not really :P

Friday, July 16, 2010

How to tell if you're a tool


Someone you know may meet the qualifications for being a complete fucking tool...and it may even be YOU!

Below is a list that provides information to those curious enough to know whether they or someone they know is a tool. Now it is important to note here that meeting one, two, or even three of the below qualifications doesn't make for one being a complete tool, as well as bare some tool tendencies. But if you meet more than five...well, THEN YOU'RE A FUCKING TOOL!

Let's begin shall we?


If you aspire to look like or be like anyone on "Jersey Shore"

If you think "reality TV" isn't scripted

If you use Axe products because you think they'll actually get you laid

If you're favorite beer is Natty Ice

If you're favorite brand of beer has the words "Light", "Ice", or "High Life" scripted on the can or bottle

If you think "The DaVinci Code" is one of the best books you've ever read

If you're 25-30 years old and still smoke blunts every day

If "Entourage" is your favorite show

If you have a Facebook account and your profile picture is Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven)

If you bought an XBox 360 just for the "Halo" series

If you play "Modern Warfare 2" and/or "Madden" for over 2 hours a day

If you own a Hummer and live in a major city

If you didn't know the 2004 "Dawn of the Dead" was a remake

If you ever thought being a bartender and/or bouncer was the best job in the world (guilty)

If you're favorite alcoholic drink is anything mixed with Red Bull

If you say "giggity" randomly (guilty)

If you lose interest in seeing a movie when you hear that there are subtitles

If you insist on telling people the dangers of smoking (because we don't already know it's bad for us)

If your favorite horror movie is "The Ring" or any of the "Saw" flicks

If the scariest movie you ever saw is one of the "Scream" flicks

If you liked the remakes of "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Halloween" better than the originals

If your criteria for buying a new TV involves whether or not its 3-D compatable

If you don't know the difference (or care) between "their", "there", and "they're"

If you voted for Obama (which I did) not because of his politics but because you're white and thought you were being progressive

If you still think "The Simpsons" is funny

If after seeing the teaser trailer for "Watchmen" you decided to check out the comic, found it, and thought to yourself that it's "too long" (also applies to "V For Vendetta")

If you saw the "Watchmen" movie and thought it was stupid

If the only reason you went to see "V For Vendetta" is because you heard "Natalie Portman gets shaved"

If everytime you hear about something you've never heard of you look it up on Wikipedia

If you think Dane Cook is the greatest stand up comic alive

...well, that pretty much sums it up. Remember, it's okay if a few of these statements apply to you...and if you end up meeting a majority of the above, well, there is one option for you to consider...DON'T BE SUCH A FUCKING TOOL!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Why Your Dick and Electrical Sockets Don't Mix

Yes, you read that title right.

Earlier today I stumbled upon a conversation a couple of my co-workers were having about porn.

Yup, porn.

No guy wants to admit it, but to some degree, none of us would be who we are were it not for porn. Every guy has that moment in their young lives when they first discover porn and the allure of naked ladies, and like a drug, sometimes you just can't get enough, especially when you're young and fucking is about the only thing on your mind.

Which brings me back to my first experiences stumbling upon pornography. Kids today have it easy, considering the internet is the easiest access to watching filthy acts of sexual satisfaction. For me and most of my generation, we had to get it the old fashioned way: either from someone older who could actually get it for you (whether it be a mag or a VHS) or from the nigh-mythical "porn discovered in the woods" (which deserves to be talked about by itself...some other time).

Being in my early teens and getting my hands on an issue of Hustler for the first time, I recall there being ads for sex toys in the back pages of the mag. Since this is a porn mag aimed at guys however, you wouldn't expect to find ads for your run of the mill dildo or vibrator, but instead there were depictions of these things called "pocket pussy's". Yup, a pocket sized device that you could be able to stick your schlong in and fuck...and take it on the go!

Pathetic? To a degree I suppose, but what really caught my attention here was a special electronic brand of pocket pussy, which plugged directly into your electrical socket outlet. From what I recall, the electric current made it vibrate and as the add stated "feels like the real thing!".

I bet it does.

Anyway, consider for a moment, just a moment, that someone would actually buy this thing and try it out. Could you imagine getting down on your knees to stick your dick in this thing that's plugged into the wall? Think of all the dangers that go into doing this sort of thing...like what if there's a storm outside and your electric gets blown (no pun intended) or shorted out...while you're using this fucking thing! Electricution is a horrible way to die to begin with...but eletricuted via your dick being stuck in an electrical outlet? Holy fucking shit!

That was the first thought that went through my head when I saw this ad, and all these years later it's still managed to linger in my brain somehow. Not just that, but also what would other people think when they find and/or hear about how you died? Like if someone discovers your electricuted corpse, with your dick still inside the thing! It'd be a hell of a thing for the paramedics, coroner, and police to talk about amongst themselves, but then the inevitable event of your family learning of your demise, and just what led to it...

Talk about an embarassing way to die...I wonder if anyone who came across that ad ever thought the same thing...

...or ended up buying the goddamn thing for that matter!

The moral of the story here kids?...we all have to die sometime, and more than likely we may not have a hand in just how it happens to us, but whatever you do with your life up until those final moments where you take your last breath...don't be caught with your dick in the electrical socket!

Skeet skeet skeet...

Thursday, July 8, 2010

LeBron joins the Heat

Okay, scratch what I said last time around about it being record time for quickness between blog entries, but this is something I'm doing at spur of the moment and just can't fucking ignore.

Who in the holy fuck does Lebron James think he is?

I had said before that the NBA is more or less loaded with nothing but prima donna athletes who make big money for doing little to nothing on the court, with only a handful of true superstars around, Lebron being one of them. I had also mentioned how this summer's Free Agency period was nothing like the NBA had ever seen before. Well, it hasn't been. Never before had a group of free agents (Lebron, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh) practically held the NBA hostage while they grouped together and formulated their playing destinations. All three have chosen to play for the Miami Heat, of which Wade has played for his whole career and won a title with a few years back.

My question as to just who does Lebron think he is relates to the fact that tonight he held an hour long press conference on ESPN to announce his decision on whether or not he would stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers or sign elsewhere. That's right, he held his own prime-time special on worldwide television, and we all ate right out of his hands in return. I'll grant you the fact that he is by and far the biggest Free Agent prize that perhaps the NBA has ever seen, and may very well be one of the best players to take to the court in the past decade, but seriously now, who would really take it upon themselves to take themselves so seriously to the point that they feel the need to broadcast live on TV their intentions and decision as to where the fuck they are going to be playing next season?

Take these things into consideration before any Lebron supporters bash me here: just this past post-season, we witnessed Lebron flat out quit on his team in the Eastern Conference semis, and the passed couple seasons we've witnessed similar playoff meltdowns. The Cavs tried their best to keep him, and considering the fact that this guy is their only bread & butter, they damn sure better have tried. From firing a coach he was tired of playing for (Mike Brown), just hiring the coach he said he wanted to have (Byron Scott), and attempting to lure in a supporting cast of players over the past couple seasons to try to actually win a title (Ilgauskas, Shaq, Ben Wallace, etc.), look what it got them in the end. Lebron always knew he was going to bolt Cleveland, granted I figured it would either be for the Knicks or Nets, but now that Bosh and D-Wade are with the Heat, Lebron joining them makes sense if a title is truly what he wants.

Back to the point I'm attempting to make in asking just who the fuck Lebron thinks he is, take this into consideration as well. He wears (or at least wore) 23, and has been compared to Jordan quite a bit during his career. And while Jordan had his share of moments of publicity (multiple retirements aside), he never believed himself to be bigger than the game. His post-career attitude aside, Jordan was the best in the business and he knew as such. Lebron knows he's practically the best in the business with no ring to show for it, and now here's the best opportunity he could ever get to win a championship.

All that aside though, this act tonight shows that Lebron believes himself to be bigger than the game and the league as a whole, and while he may want to win it all now more than anything else, his legacy will truly be written on what happens in the upcoming seasons he's signed his name on the dotted line to participate in. And if Lebron ends up coming up on the short end of the stick, this night will be remembered as nothing else but a whole lot of flash, and little more than a dog and pony show.

...and before anyone says anything, yes I may be a Knicks fan, but I'm not bitter that we didn't get Lebron...much

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Fuck "Let Me In", fuck it fuck it fuck it all to hell!!!

This is a record for me in terms of how short a time it's been between blog posts, but there is something that I just have to get off my fucking chest. A couple days ago the trailer for the upcoming vampire flick "Let Me In" found its way online. Despite my reservations about it, I watched it anyway out of the sake of morbid curiousity...and proceeded to scream obscenities at the top of my lungs afterward.

Why did this trailer for what appears to be an adult take on "Twilight" anger me so you may be asking? For those of you who don't know, "Let Me In" is a remake of the beloved and critically acclaimed 2008 Swedish film "Let the Right One In": a film that is equal parts shockingly beautiful, horrific, touching, and manages to get under your skin. "Let the Right One In" is a rare type of horror film that does more than provide shocks and scares to the audience, as it presents the newfound relationship/friendship between an abused and neglected pre-teen boy and a decades old vampire girl who has just come to town. While that synopsis only really scratches the surface of what "Let the Right One In" is about, the themes of alienation, revenge, young love, and heartbreaking loss are what really help set the film apart from others of its ilk.

Seeing something special like "Let the Right One In" be remade for mass American audience consumption isn't surprising in the least to be totally honest, but can't well enough just be let the fuck alone?!?! Besides changing the title and names of the characters (which is understandable to a degree considering the transcontinental translation and blah blah fucking blah), "Cloverfield" director Matt Reeves was hired to helm this remake, which by the looks of the trailer appears to have viewed the original film repeatedly. How can I tell you may ask? Because there are so many shots in the trailer that don't just mirror shots in "Let the Right One In", but flat out just copy them and rip them off for lack of a better term. This isn't anything new when it comes to remakes though, since just a few months ago horror auteur Wes Craven lit into those behind the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" remake for doing the exact same thing. Yes, originality is officially dead in the film making world (don't get me started on remakes again...). Sure, it may have Hit-Girl from "Kick-Ass" as the vamp and the kid from "The Road", but that's as much promise as this thing can hope to have.

So let's go back to just why would anyone want to remake "Let the Right One In" for mass consumption? In an interview with FearNet, producer Simon Oakes stated that,

"...the story was so great, so beautiful, that it should be seen by a bigger audience. So I was always saying to myself, people in Manhattan have seen it, guys like you [genre journalists/fans] because it's in your wheelhouse, in New York, in Chicago, in Chelsea, in Notting Hill, in London but no one in Glasgow or Edinburgh or Bristol or Idaho or Pittsburgh has seen this film. It's a story that needs to be seen by a wider audience. Then it came down to [the question], how do you achieve that? By paying homage to the original."

"Paying homage"? Are you fucking serious? You don't pay homage to something by directly copying/ripping off the shots of the original film! Gus Van Sant did just that for his 1998 remake of "Psycho", before admitting what a mistake he had made in doing so. Plenty of directors, from Brian DePalma to Clint Eastwood, have paid homage to classic directors and classic films in their works by replicating bits of scenes and/or shots, but 99% of the time it's done in an admirable and even affectionate way. From what can be seen in the trailer for "Let Me In", this isn't so, and just comes off as a quick way to take something good, and water it down for American audiences to digest, as vampire flicks these days are all the rage, and here's another way for a studio (in this case Icon) to cash in.

At this point I would say that I may be alone in my feelings about "Let Me In", but I know for a fact that I'm not. Every person I've spoken with about "Let the Right One In" being remade feels the exact same way, and that isn't an overreactive statement on my part either. Granted that tons of great foreign films get Americanized remakes and have for quite some time now. Some you may be shocked to know that "Reservoir Dogs", "Desperado", "The Departed", and "Inglourious Basterds" among others are Americanized remakes, but for the most part they have many factors that are similar to the originals from which they are based, while also managing to do something different in the process. One can tell already just from the trailer alone that "Let Me In" isn't along those lines.

You may think I'm overreacting, you may think that "you shouldn't judge a book by its cover" or "the trailer looks interesting", which I would agree with had I never heard of the original film or seen it. However, I remember seeing trailers for flicks like "Terminator: Salvation" and "Diary of the Dead" which looked awesome, and turned out to be big steaming piles of horseshit. If I'm wrong about "Let Me In" being any different from being a steaming pile of shit, then I'm wrong and we can all chalk it up to me being too much of a film geek/snob, but if I'm right...well, that'll be something of a rarity won't it?

One thing we can all be certain about though, is that no matter what, nobody here is gonna sparkle :)

Monday, July 5, 2010

Suck My Ass 3-D Part 2: Video Games

The gimmick of 3-D may be all the rage in the movie world as of right now and in the near future, but that isn't the only medium in which it's making an impact...

Yup folks...the world of video games will soon be besieged by the 3-D juggernaut, but unlike the effect that 3-D has had on the film industry, the effect that it will have on the video game world remains to be seen, and hotly debated as well.

First off, let's go back to those simple days of the classic 8-bit Nintendo Entertainment System. That gray box that sent many kids into asthma attacks from blowing dust out of the cartridge and inside cartridge port had its own meeting with 3-D technology, granted it was nowhere near as technologically savvy as it appears to be today. A little racing game called "Rad Racer" had a feature to play the game in 3-D, which was kind of a cool thing when you were a 6 year old kid, but was little more than an experimental extra at best.

Fast forward to today, and only a few weeks ago at E3. For those who don't know, E3 is a massive video game and tech expo where publishers and developers show off their big-name upcoming games, projects, and console releases. Nintendo revealed that their upcoming new handheld, the "3DS", will provide gamers on the go with a realistic 3-D experience. While the tech demo was impressive and those in attendence sang Nintendo's praises, this isn't the first time that Nintendo had dipped their hands in anything with the term "3-D" slapped on it...

I'm going to be showing my age here, but I remember being in my pre-teens when Nintendo announced the "Virtual Boy", a supposedly portable headset-esque unit that featured games in "true 3-D" glory. Well, I can tell you from personal experience, the thing was a giant steaming pile of cowshit. The thing being portable was a joke, the headset was awkward to use, and the colors of the games were in heavy black & red, which didn't take long to hurt your eyes. Seriously, after 10 minutes of playing, you'll feel like your eyes are going to fucking explode! It lasted on the market for less than a year before Nintendo decided to pull the plug, and gamers were all the better off for it.

...anyway, to get back on topic, perhaps Nintendo has learned their lesson about "3-D gaming". The technology has vastly improved over anything offered in the mid-90's, and Nintendo has had a flawless track record with their portable game systems (minus the "Virtual Boy", but I don't even consider the piece of shit anything close to portable), but could that translate to console success as well? Rumors are circulating ridiculously that Nintendo is hard at work on the successor to their mega-popular "Wii", and that it will utilize unique games that are not only 3-D capable, but utilize 3-D in every sense to be able to be played. Could it actually work?

Nintendo isn't the only video game company hopping on the 3-D bandwagon however. A few days ago when I fired up my PS3, it informed me that I had to download the new firmware update. After I did, I learned that this update is to make 3-D elements possible in compatable PS3 games and Blu-Ray discs alike. Not to mention the fact that Sony is fully behind these new lines of 3-D televisions that have recently hit the market. Besides carrying a price tag that for the time being requires you to practically lay down a mortgage payment to afford, the fancy new 3-D glasses required cost an average of 300 bucks a piece.

Now the first thing that popped up in my head after learning all that is pretty much along the lines of "how in the holy fuck could anyone seriously afford all that shit?!". Regardless of one's income and how much they can spend on their entertainment purposes, the bottom line remains that this influx of new tech with big price tags will either crash & burn, or eventually end up becoming the norm in the long run. Think not? It wasn't all that long ago that only those with seemingly bottomless pockets could afford HDTV's, but now they've practically become the norm for household television entertainment. Will it be that long before having a bombardment of shit flying at your face while you sit on your couch become the norm?

Or shit, how about how long will it be before 3-D gets translated from movies and video games to stuff like NFL games ("watch guys break each other's legs and slap each other's asses in 3-D!") or even porn (insert your own quote here, regardless though, you'll probably feel the need to dodge your head from various sorts of "incoming fire", lol) or just about anything else considered in the realm of digital entertainment?

No matter what happens folks, 3-D seems to be making a big impact on the digital entertainment realm, but whether or not all of us end up taking a bite out of the big 3-D gimmick shit sandwich remains to be seen...

...or we can all just down a nice, tall, frosty glass of fuck 3-D in the ass, but that's just my thought...