Is Playboy Not Having Nudes Really a Big Deal?

Very soon, Playboy will be launching their new issue which will be the first to feature non-nude models...and also a cover that looks like snapchat vomit. That's irrelevant though, because this really does mark the end of an era.

Me, like a lot of guys over the decades, got their first taste of female nudity glancing at the pages of Playboy. Tastefully nude pictorials and the occasional nude celebrity were Playboy's bread and butter for decades; but in this era with internet porn, every fetish literally being just a click away, and celebrity sex tapes being "leaked" every other week, what Playboy had to offer in terms of their nude pictorials had grown stale and become known as old hat.

I myself hadn't picked one up in quite some time, because honestly what's the point with everything I just listed? Well, the other thing that Playboy offered in abundance was their wonderful articles. Yeah yeah I know the old joke: "na man, I only read it for the articles". Well, the magazine has usually always featured some great and informative articles, interviews, editorials, and more. These are what kept Playboy head and shoulders above its much more explicit brethren like Penthouse and Hustler, and what will continue to keep them head and shoulders among other print men's magazines as well, which usually offer the typical scantily clad women, except the photography work is shit and any articles featured are written at a fourth grade reading level by someone that probably uses the word "bro" a lot in real, everyday life.

So yeah, it's actually not that big a deal that Playboy is going non-nude. It's definitely the end of an era to be sure, and I do think that maybe one day they will revert back to their old ways, but for now let's celebrate what the magazine has done in terms of the trailblazing that Hugh Hefner and co. have accomplished, and be happy that we'll always be able to reminisce about where we saw our first boobs and such.

Why Facebook Isn't Fun Anymore

Remember when Facebook was fun? When you would look at your friend’s statuses and laugh your ass off at some ridiculous things, and come up with some ridiculous things yourself for your own status just for shits and giggles and to give your pals a good laugh as well?

Yeah, Facebook isn’t like that anymore. Didn’t you get the memo?

I don’t want to pick on anyone here, I really don’t, but can’t anyone come up with anything better than re-posting statuses that deal with shit like “supporting the troops”, or “if you have a great mom”, or “God says it’s his will my wife fucked my neighbor”, or some other crap for fuck’s sake? And when did everyone become so fucking sensitive? If you make a joke or say something that’s remotely biting humor in regards to anything involving religion, abortion, bestiality, or anything outside the norm; you’re an insensitive scumbag that gets reported to Mark Zuckerberg’s underlings and you get the digital equivalent to forty lashes with a wet noodle. Case in point, some time ago I posted a link in regards to discussions of the government pulling the plug on Planned Parenthood, and made a joke regarding abortion…and holy fucking shit did I get lampooned for it in return. I had no idea that I was Facebook friends with so many people that take life and all its unintentional hilarity so damn serious, so many that in fact I got deleted, blocked, AND reported and had said link removed.

Un-fucking-believable.

On another occasion, I made a joke about homeless people being thrown bottles of booze to play a game I lovingly called “hungry hungry hobos”. After getting quite a few laughs and funny reactions, I was subsequently called ignorant and told that I should watch that shitty Will Smith movie “The Pursuit of Happiness”, which is allegedly proof that not all homeless people are alcoholics. Keep in mind that said douche bag is himself ignorant of the fact that “The Pursuit of Happiness” is not as true a story as was advertised (and is largely known that the man Smith played was in fact a drug-raddled boozer himself) and also has little to no sense of humor…except when repeatedly posting statuses talking about being a “gangsta” in the “streets of Reading, PA” (which if you are not familiar with, is a shitty excuse of a city that’s surrounded by farm land) and hilariously enough can’t seem to read and spell above the third-grade level.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that life is not worth living if you take EVERY little goddamn thing so seriously. What’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy life and have some fun? Is it really necessary to live life with a stick shoved up your ass and take it out on everybody by raining on their parade? If you do that in real, everyday life, that’s one thing…but being like that on Facebook is something else entirely. It’s the internet for the love of fuck; it’s the absolute least-sacred place in the history of the fucking planet Earth. When people aren’t participating in Facebook-fuckstickery, they’re downloading internet porn. That’s the internet, that’s what it’s designed for: fucking around, jerking off to porn, and being an outlet for those that have to live boring lives. The wankers and fun police shaking their fingers at everything they deem offensive need to take a long look in the mirror and realize that not only does the everyday, real-life world not revolve around them, but the digital world doesn’t either.

In other words, take the sticks out of your collective asses and lighten the fuck up.

Or get laid.

Why Your Dick and Electrical Sockets Don't Mix

Yes, you read that title right.

Earlier today I stumbled upon a conversation a couple of my co-workers were having about porn.

Yup, porn.

No guy wants to admit it, but to some degree, none of us would be who we are were it not for porn. Every guy has that moment in their young lives when they first discover porn and the allure of naked ladies, and like a drug, sometimes you just can't get enough, especially when you're young and fucking is about the only thing on your mind.

Which brings me back to my first experiences stumbling upon pornography. Kids today have it easy, considering the internet is the easiest access to watching filthy acts of sexual satisfaction. For me and most of my generation, we had to get it the old fashioned way: either from someone older who could actually get it for you (whether it be a mag or a VHS) or from the nigh-mythical "porn discovered in the woods" (which deserves to be talked about by itself...some other time).

Being in my early teens and getting my hands on an issue of Hustler for the first time, I recall there being ads for sex toys in the back pages of the mag. Since this is a porn mag aimed at guys however, you wouldn't expect to find ads for your run of the mill dildo or vibrator, but instead there were depictions of these things called "pocket pussy's". Yup, a pocket sized device that you could be able to stick your schlong in and fuck...and take it on the go!

Pathetic? To a degree I suppose, but what really caught my attention here was a special electronic brand of pocket pussy, which plugged directly into your electrical socket outlet. From what I recall, the electric current made it vibrate and as the add stated "feels like the real thing!".

I bet it does.

Anyway, consider for a moment, just a moment, that someone would actually buy this thing and try it out. Could you imagine getting down on your knees to stick your dick in this thing that's plugged into the wall? Think of all the dangers that go into doing this sort of thing...like what if there's a storm outside and your electric gets blown (no pun intended) or shorted out...while you're using this fucking thing! Electricution is a horrible way to die to begin with...but eletricuted via your dick being stuck in an electrical outlet? Holy fucking shit!

That was the first thought that went through my head when I saw this ad, and all these years later it's still managed to linger in my brain somehow. Not just that, but also what would other people think when they find and/or hear about how you died? Like if someone discovers your electricuted corpse, with your dick still inside the thing! It'd be a hell of a thing for the paramedics, coroner, and police to talk about amongst themselves, but then the inevitable event of your family learning of your demise, and just what led to it...

Talk about an embarassing way to die...I wonder if anyone who came across that ad ever thought the same thing...

...or ended up buying the goddamn thing for that matter!

The moral of the story here kids?...we all have to die sometime, and more than likely we may not have a hand in just how it happens to us, but whatever you do with your life up until those final moments where you take your last breath...don't be caught with your dick in the electrical socket!

Skeet skeet skeet...