Friday, July 16, 2010

How to tell if you're a tool


Someone you know may meet the qualifications for being a complete fucking tool...and it may even be YOU!

Below is a list that provides information to those curious enough to know whether they or someone they know is a tool. Now it is important to note here that meeting one, two, or even three of the below qualifications doesn't make for one being a complete tool, as well as bare some tool tendencies. But if you meet more than five...well, THEN YOU'RE A FUCKING TOOL!

Let's begin shall we?


If you aspire to look like or be like anyone on "Jersey Shore"

If you think "reality TV" isn't scripted

If you use Axe products because you think they'll actually get you laid

If you're favorite beer is Natty Ice

If you're favorite brand of beer has the words "Light", "Ice", or "High Life" scripted on the can or bottle

If you think "The DaVinci Code" is one of the best books you've ever read

If you're 25-30 years old and still smoke blunts every day

If "Entourage" is your favorite show

If you have a Facebook account and your profile picture is Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven)

If you bought an XBox 360 just for the "Halo" series

If you play "Modern Warfare 2" and/or "Madden" for over 2 hours a day

If you own a Hummer and live in a major city

If you didn't know the 2004 "Dawn of the Dead" was a remake

If you ever thought being a bartender and/or bouncer was the best job in the world (guilty)

If you're favorite alcoholic drink is anything mixed with Red Bull

If you say "giggity" randomly (guilty)

If you lose interest in seeing a movie when you hear that there are subtitles

If you insist on telling people the dangers of smoking (because we don't already know it's bad for us)

If your favorite horror movie is "The Ring" or any of the "Saw" flicks

If the scariest movie you ever saw is one of the "Scream" flicks

If you liked the remakes of "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Halloween" better than the originals

If your criteria for buying a new TV involves whether or not its 3-D compatable

If you don't know the difference (or care) between "their", "there", and "they're"

If you voted for Obama (which I did) not because of his politics but because you're white and thought you were being progressive

If you still think "The Simpsons" is funny

If after seeing the teaser trailer for "Watchmen" you decided to check out the comic, found it, and thought to yourself that it's "too long" (also applies to "V For Vendetta")

If you saw the "Watchmen" movie and thought it was stupid

If the only reason you went to see "V For Vendetta" is because you heard "Natalie Portman gets shaved"

If everytime you hear about something you've never heard of you look it up on Wikipedia

If you think Dane Cook is the greatest stand up comic alive

...well, that pretty much sums it up. Remember, it's okay if a few of these statements apply to you...and if you end up meeting a majority of the above, well, there is one option for you to consider...DON'T BE SUCH A FUCKING TOOL!


  1. apparently I forgot to add not knowing the difference between "your" and "you're" and remembering to proofread...guilty!


    or if your FB page screams IM A FUCKING TOOL

  3. you forgot to mention the Friday the 13th remake. It was a piece of shit and i have a friend who actually thinks it's better than the original

  4. If you look for cars on Craiglist all day when you can't afford one.

    If you wear boots everywhere when you aren't in mud.

    If you act like a farmer when you live in the suburbs.