Sunday, April 8, 2012
Your Guide to Properly Enjoying Easter
DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is satirical (for the most part) and not meant to be taken seriously in the least. While I myself am an atheist and don’t believe in any of this Easter or Jesus stuff, I am in no means shit-talking those that do believe in this sort of thing. We live in a free country and have the right to believe or not believe in whatever we want to. For example, I don’t believe in omnipotent beings passing judgment on us, but I do believe in evolution, where as a majority of Christians believe in said omnipotent being but believe evolution is ludicrous and that those that believe in it should be publicly executed as an example for those that speak against God. In other words, relax folks; I’m just trying to have a bit of fun here.
Oh shit, it’s Easter. That time of year when we’re all reminded that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and such…and we get reminded of that constantly. So what does Jesus rising from the dead have to do with rabbits and coloring eggs? Fuck if I know, but that’s the way things are for whatever reason, and if you believe any different, well…shame on you and all that I guess. In celebration of Zombie Jesus day, here’s a list of how to properly celebrate this bullshit holiday:
Eat a rabbit
Fuck a rabbit
Fuck then eat the rabbit
Drop some acid then attempt egg coloring and pray that your head doesn’t explode when you start seeing swirling colors
Watch that episode of “South Park” where Stan questions the intricacies of Easter and slowly realize that holy-fucking-shit this makes a whole lot of sense
Go on an Easter egg hunt naked
Go find an Easter egg hunt in progress while dressed up like the Frank rabbit from “Donnie Darko”, find a random kid and tell him about when the world will end
Watch a marathon of quasi-Easter-related films: “The Crow”, “Dawn of the Dead”, “Last Temptation of Christ”, etc.
Hate yourself because you’re Catholic and it’s your fault Jesus was killed in the first place
Repeatedly punch yourself in the crotch for reading this blog