The 50 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen: Part 2

Trick or treat, beat my meat...nevermind. Anyway, the countdown continues of the 50 best horror flicks you've never seen. Barf bags not included...



40. MARTYRS (2008)
Director: Pascal Laugier
Starring: Morjana Alaoui, Mylene Jampanoi, Catherine Begin

I hate the horror sub-genre of torture-porn, absolutely despise it. Between all the “Saw’s” and “Hostel’s” and the like, it’s no wonder that a film like “Martyrs” gets lost in the pack. Make no mistake though that this French import is one brutal film, yet even more shocking is how powerful and moving it winds up being. The story revolves around two girls, both of whom were victims of various brands of child abuse, on a revenge mission of sorts. The final frames of the film are incredibly difficult to get out of your head.




39. MULBERRY STREET (2006)
Director: Jim Mickle
Starring: Nick Damici, Kim Blair, Ron Brice

Part of the 2007 lineup of the After Dark Horrorfest, “Mulberry Street” may have a ridiculous premise, but the surprising amount of mounting tension and even more surprisingly good acting make it worthwhile. The tenants of a downtown apartment building in Manhattan try to survive the night when a virus infects the city turning people into cannibal rat-creatures (yes, you read that right). Give it a chance, yes I’m serious.




38. HATCHET (2006)
Director: Adam Green
Starring: Joel David Moore, Kane Hodder, Mercedes McNab

A gleefully violent and fun ode to the slasher genre, “Hatchet” revolves around a group of tourists in New Orleans taking a haunted swamp tour, only to fall prey to the monstrous killer Victor Crowley. Featuring some just plain brilliant makeup effects, “Hatchet” ended up garnering a surprising cult following, culminating in a recently released (and subsequently pulled from theaters) sequel that promises more of the same gory hijinks.




37. ROGUE (2007)
Director: Greg McLean
Starring: Radha Mitchell, Michael Vartan, Sam Worthington

From the same team that made “Wolf Creek”, “Rogue” finds an American journalist in Australia coming face to face with a gigantic killer crocodile. Before you start thinking “that’s nothing new”, “Rogue” winds up being more than just a generic monster B-movie, with some great effects and genuinely horrific moments. Plus, it has a pre-“Avatar” Sam Worthington get eaten alive, and that in itself is worth checking “Rogue” out for.




36. EDEN LOG (2007)
Director: Franck Vestiel
Starring: Clovis Cornillac, Vimala Pons, Zohar Wexler

A French hybrid of horror/mystery/suspense, “Eden Log” boasts a unique visual style, with a washed-out color pallet and overall visual design that resembles one of the old “Resident Evil” video games. An amnesiac man wakes up deep inside a cavern, with no knowledge of what happened to him or to the dead people he finds on his journey. All he does know is that there are strange, violent creatures out and about, as he searches for an escape, while finding out some shocking things about himself and the world as a whole along the way.




35. UNDEAD (2003)
Director: Michael Spierig & Peter Spierig
Starring: Felicity Mason, Mungo McKay, Rob Jenkins

Another Australian import, “Undead” is from the brother directing team that would eventually do the recent vampire flick “Daybreakers”. With “Undead”, the title pretty much tells you what you need to know, revolving around a small Australian fishing village that falls victim to strange meteorites that apparently transform the residents into zombies. The big twist and shocker ending is what makes “Undead” a keeper.




34. THE LAST WINTER (2006)
Director: Larry Fessenden
Starring: Ron Perlman, James LeGros, Connie Britton

An environmentalist working with an American oil conglomerate investigates the mysterious apparent suicide by one of the workers in the northern arctic. When more similar events occur and tensions mount, it soon becomes apparent that something very, very bad is happening in the great white north. What could be seen as another type of “nature fighting back” flick, “The Last Winter” is an intelligent, thoughtful, ambiguous, and creepy take on environmental health. A little drawn out, but well worth it.




33. XTRO (1983)
Director: Harry Bromley Davenport
Starring: Philip Sayer, Bernice Stegers, Danny Brainin

Spawning two horrible sequels that have nothing to do with this first film, “XTRO” is an entertaining “Alien” rip-off, in which a man returns home to his wife and son three years after he was abducted by aliens. Naturally he’s not quite the same man he was before he left, and he starts to make a profound effect on his young son, as his estranged wife and her new lover struggle to put him to a stop. Featuring buckets of blood, terrible acting, and nudity-a-plenty, “XTRO” is pure trashy fun the whole way through, and if schlock is your thing, you can’t do much better than this.




32. C.H.U.D. (1984)
Director: Douglas Cheek
Starring: John Heard, Daniel Stern, Christopher Curry

Another “so schlocky it’s good” type, “C.H.U.D.” (standing for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers) revolves around a photographer, his girlfriend, a cop, and an unhinged vagrant teaming up to stop a race of sewer-dwelling mutated homeless mutants from devouring all of New York City. I couldn’t make that story up if I tried. What makes “C.H.U.D.” enjoyable is the surprisingly good gore effects and darkly comedic moments. Plus, it marks the big-screen debut of John Goodman…yes I’m serious.




31. THE TRIPPER (2006)
Director: David Arquette
Starring: Thomas Jane, Lukas Haas, Jamie King

A delightfully nasty slasher tribute that pokes fun at Republicans, “The Tripper” revolves around a new-age hippie festival in a small hick town, that falls under attack by a Ronald Regan-mask wearing axe murderer. Hilarious gore effects and plenty of tongue-in-cheek political humor.



More to come...

The 50 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen: Part 1

Ah yes, it's October. A month chock full of haunted houses, scary stories, and my personal favorite aspect, horror movies galore. All of which culminates at the end with Halloween, the best damn holiday of the entire year as far as I'm concerned.

Anyway, as far as horror movies go, we all pretty much know the good ones from the bad ones. Classics like John Carpenter's "Halloween" and George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead" are traditionally watched and so they should be, but for every classic horror film out there, there are quite a few underrated ones that sadly have not been seen by as many viewers.

Throughout this month, I'll be providing you with a list of the best damn horror flicks that you've never seen (or possibly even heard of) that deserve your time and attention. Strap yourselves in bitches...



50. TRAILER PARK OF TERROR (2008)
Director: Steven Goldman
Starring: Trace Adkins, Priscilla Barnes, Stefanie Black

Based on the Imperium Comics series, "Trailer Park of Terror" follows a group of troubled high school students who get stranded in the mountains, and seek refuge in a not-so abandoned trailer park. Schlocky as all hell, the film offers plenty of blood and guts, and a decent dose of dark humor as well that makes it worth checking out.



49. GRACE (2009)
Director: Paul Solet
Starring: Jordan Ladd, Stephen Park, Gabrielle Rose

After losing her husband and unborn child in an accident, Madeline insists on carrying her dead child to term regardless. When she does, the baby is miraculously alive, or so it would seem. It isn't long before she realizes that her baby has a craving for blood... What's most surprising about "Grace" is the shocking degree of emotional terror that permeates throughout the film, and its shocker denouement is worth the price of admission alone.



48. SEVERANCE (2006)
Director: Christopher Smith
Starring: Danny Dyer, Laura Harris, Toby Stephens

A team-building exercise in the mountains of Eastern Europe turns horrifically funny for a group of sales division wankers when they are targeted by a group of crazed killers. Shockingly funny, biting, and gore-filled to boot. Plus, there's a homicidal maniac with a flamethrower bitches!



47. THE LAST BROADCAST (1998)
Director: Stefan Avalos/Lance Weiler
Starring: David Beard, Jim Seward, Rein Clabbers

A "Blair Witch"-style faux-documentary in which a trio of filmmakers venture into the forest searching for the legendary Jersey Devil. Days later, only one returns, and becomes the prime suspect in the disappearance of the other two, while another local filmmaker partakes on his own excursion to find the truth. The end result proves being more shocking, as "The Last Broadcast" puts "Blair Witch" and any other handheld camera-style horror flick to shame.



46. THE RESURRECTED (1992)
Director: Dan O'Bannon
Starring: John Terry, Chris Sarandon, Jane Sibbett

Also known as "Shatterbrain", "The Resurrected" is based on an H.P. Lovecraft tale involving the hiring of a private eye to investigate the mysterious experiments of a chemical engineer. Turns out, he's trying to bring back the dead, but the results of which don't go quite exactly as planned...



45. JACK BROOKS: MONSTER SLAYER (2007)
Director: Jon Knautz
Starring: Robert Englund, Trevor Matthews, Daniel Kash

After witnessing his family get murdered by monsters as a child, plumber Jack Brooks uses his inconsolible rage to combat monsters and demons, including those recently set loose by his community college night class professor. Very fun in an "Evil Dead"-type of way, and Robert Englund is a fucking hoot.



44. SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983)
Director: Robert Hiltzik
Starring: Felissa Rose, Jonathan Tiersten, Karen Fields

An underrated slasher classic that has a cult following, the original "Sleepaway Camp" may work as a "Friday the 13th" knockoff, but its shocker conclusion is what makes it so memorable to this day.



43. AMERICAN ZOMBIE (2007)
Director: Grace Lee
Starring: Austin Basis, Jane Edith Wilson, Al Vicente

Another mockumentary, only this time it follows a team of documentary filmmakers seeking to learn as to whether or not the rising zombie population are an actual threat to humanity, or if they just want to live in harmony. Scathingly funny and also pretty damn creepy.



42. LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE (1974)
Director: Jorge Grau
Starring: Cristina Galbo, Ray Lovelock, Arthur Kennedy

Also known as "The Living Dead At Manchester Morgue" and "Don't Open the Window" (among many other titles depending on the country), this zombie flick focuses on two hippies who are suspected by a clueless cop as being the culprits behind the Manson Family-style murders going on in town, when it is actually the result of the ravenous zombies being created by the chemical pesticides used on the local farmland. A terribly underrated zombie film by every stretch of the imagination.



41. ISOLATION (2005)
Director: Billy O'Brien
Starring: Essie Davies, Sean Harris, Marcel Iures

On a lonely Irish farm, a scientist researching the genetic modifications of cattle accidentally unleashes a killer batch of murderous farm animals. It sounds funny on paper, but "Isolation" is so damn suspenseful and surprisingly creepy that you'll never want to eat meat again.



That's all for now, but as the month goes on, the list will continue to count down, enjoy!

Eulogy for a Stray Cat

There are a ton of stray cats in my neighborhood, has been ever since I moved here 5 years ago now. In those five years, not much has changed, as seeing these critters run around is pretty much commonplace. Then a couple weeks ago, one stray decided to make my front porch his home. I've had cats crash on my porch before, but this one was different...he just wouldn't go the hell away!

So what do I decide to do with this wayward kitty? I fed him, and naturally, he decided to make his stay on my porch permanent. I got attached to him, as did Trish, so the next idea that popped in my head was "why not keep the little fucker?" And that was the plan. Trish helped me out quite a bit, even though I was in all honesty a bit apprehensive about taking another cat in as a pet (the last one, Rocco, sadly died about two years ago after clawing his way into a rat poison trap that I forgot about in the basement...still hating myself over that), but there was something about this one. Maybe it was the fact that he was friendly and was more than likely a housecat at some point in the past. Maybe it was because so many times I sat outside to smoke a cigarette he decided to hop on my lap.

In any case, I made the trip to the vet to get him checked out after I decided I was going to keep him. The news wasn't good at all, as he was already progressing in FIV, the feline version of HIV, which is highly contagious among felines. His immune system would progressively get worse and worse over time, and he would end up dying a slow, painful death. So, I decided that it would be best for him to be put down. I won't lie and try to act like my usual hardass persona here, I admit I shed the first tear I've shed in quite some time, over this nameless stray cat. In my heart I know I did the right and humane thing, but that doesn't change the fact that he as an animal didn't deserve to be shuffled out on the street.

The point I'm trying to make here is that if you own an animal, whether it be a cat, dog, or even a fucking squirrel (hello hillbillies), cherish it, love it, and treat it like it should be treated: with care and respect.

Rest well gray stray cat, I wish I could have done more for you.



Back to dick & fart jokes in a few ;)

The 25 Albums That Didn't Make The Cut

The other day I posed a blog citing my personal top 25 albums. Condensing all the albums I love and have loved into one small list wasn't easy, especially when there were so many more that didn't make the final cut. So here, in no particular order, are 25 more albums that didn't (and perhaps should have) make the final cut, enjoy!

"Walk Among Us" - The Misfits

"Static Age" - The Misfits

"Reign in Blood" - Slayer

"Seasons in the Abyss" - Slayer

"Countdown to Extinction" - Megadeth

"...And Justice For All" - Metallica

"Facelift" - Alice in Chains

"Dirt" - Alice in Chains

"October Rust" - Type O Negative

"Purple" - Stone Temple Pilots

"Portrait of An American Family" - Marilyn Manson

"Smash" - The Offspring

"The Crow" Soundtrack

"Burn My Eyes" - Machine Head

"The Downward Spiral" - Nine Inch Nails

"Astro Creep 2000" - White Zombie

"Screaming For Vengeance" - Judas Priest

"Rage Against the Machine" - Rage Against the Machine

"The Marshall Mathers LP" - Eminem

"Beneath the Remains" - Sepultura

"Chaos A.D." - Sepultura

"Sublime" - Sublime

"Urban Discipline" - Biohazard

"Cleansing" - Prong

"Aenima" - Tool



There are certainly a few more that I could have included, but I think that this pretty much sums it all up for me in a nutshell...bitches!

My 25 All-Time Favorite Albums

Recently (AKA last night) a friend of mine on Facebook wrote a note of her top 15 albums, which I have decided to semi-rip-off here for my own intents and purposes (sorry Steph :P). There is an eclectic mix here to be sure: metal, punk, hip/hop, industrial, goth, and some just plain old funky shit too...

So here's a countdown of my 25 all-time favorite albums that I still cherish today...

25. "In Utero" - Nirvana

24. "The Fragile" - Nine Inch Nails

23. The "Sid & Nancy: Love Kills" Soundtrack

22. "Mother's Milk" - Red Hot Chili Peppers

21. "The Chronic" - Dr. Dre

20. "Ten" - Pearl Jam

19. "Nothing Wrong/Blow" - Red Lorry Yellow Lorry

18. "Melissa" - Mercyful Fate

17. "White Pony" - Deftones

16. "Bloody Kisses" - Type O Negative

15. "Badmotorfinger" - Soundgarden

14. "Paranoid" - Black Sabbath

13. "Far Beyond Driven" - Pantera

12. "The Colour and the Shape" - Foo Fighters

11. "Songs for the Deaf" - Queens of the Stone Age

10. "Deliverance" - Corrosion of Conformity

9. "Rust in Peace" - Megadeth

8. "Pretty Hate Machine" - Nine Inch Nails

7. "Master of Puppets" - Metallica

6. "Disintegration" - The Cure

5. "Superunknown" - Soundgarden

4. "OK Computer" - Radiohead

3. "NOLA" - Down

2. "Vulgar Display of Power" - Pantera

1. "Ride the Lightning" - Metallica



...and there you have it...

...fuckers! :)

9/11/01 - Nine Years Later

No matter how hard you may want to try, you can't forget where you were that day...

Personally I can't believe that it was nine years ago that I was a senior in high school, sitting in Journalism class waiting for the bell to ring to go to my next period Algebra class. It was towards the end of class that Mr. Swisher (one of the guidance counselors) came into the room and told our teacher Mr. Levan to turn on the TV. It took a while to sink in at just what I was seeing on the television screen that morning, something that still seems so unbelievable even to this day nine years later.

In the nine years since 9/11, what's really changed and what has really been accomplished? We went to war (which for all intents and purposes hasn't and won't end, regardless of whatever "official" declarations are made) and what did it solve? Nine years, a gasoline crisis, raging prices, and a shitty global economy...other than all that, nothing has changed.

The horror of 9/11 is something that by all rights and purposes should have united us as a people and brought us together, but instead all that it did was amplify racial and religious prejudices and further divide us as a country. Left wings, right wings, conservatives, liberals, Tea-Party douche bags, whatever...we always find a way to label a group of people, when what we should have done is attempt to achieve everything we can to overcome and abolish labels and unite regardless of any skin color or theological differences. Instead, here we are as a people getting pissed off over a mosque being built around Ground Zero (which in all honesty can be understood, but that's a topic for another day) and an asshole pastor in Florida wanting to burn Qurans to garner media attention.

Next year will be a decade since 9/11. A decade...let that sink in. It's hard to believe that it will be ten years next year since everything changed. Even harder to believe that after such a tragic event, we would be characterized by a presidency that only further crippled us as an economic power and a country as a whole, followed by a president who has been marketed as being a glimmer of hope and that has only thus far turned out to be a hype-heavy media magnet. Regardless of what side you classify yourself as, it can be agreed upon here that nine years ago today all those innocent people and the heroes who risked and sacrificed their lives trying to save them all died senselessly...and any honoring of their memory only gets shit on more and more each passing year that we continue not to truly unite and set our differences aside for the greater good, as cliche' as that may sound.

As it stands right now, united or divided, we fall.

In loving memory of all those who lost their lives on September 11, 2001.

Things That Have Been Pissing Me Off Lately...

I've been in a bit of a pissy mood as of late. No personal drama going on or anything of that sort, but lately I've just found myself getting automatically pissed off at random times of the day over various things.

Things that have been pissing me off lately include, but are not limited to:

College freshmen

Douche bags that live in their parent's basements that have more PS3 trophies than I do

Douche bags with popped collars

Douche bags that cause other Italians to be labeled as "guidos" even when they're not (ahem)

Douche bags in general

Ultra-conservatives

Timothy Patrick Snyder

94 WYSP for playing the exact same shit for the past decade

AT&T for wanting to charge me out the ass for getting an iPhone

The job market

People who get drunk and feel the urge to sing

The kid who shot me in the ass tonight with a fucking Nerf gun

People who type on their laptops in coffee shops

The asshole who took my lighter

People who give me weird looks on the bus/subway when I'm playing Mario Kart on my DS. Go fuck yourself

Michael Bay for making another Transformers movie

Shia LaDouche for being in another Transformers movie

My comic book script for seeming a lot better as an idea in my head than it is when put to paper


...that's all for now, but I assure you that there will be more!

Suck it!