Wednesday, June 17, 2015

"Halloween Returns" Piss You Off!

Oh “Halloween”, how I’ve loved thee so. The slasher franchise that helped kickstart…well, slasher franchises in general, is getting another “re-imagining”. Oh wait, I’m sorry, it’s a “re-working”…or a “reboot”? No, none of that? It’s a sequel to Rob Zombie’s shitty remakes? No, not that either? It’s a direct sequel to “Halloween III” (SILVER FUCKING SHAMROCK!)? Because if it was that, I’d be all over it like a drunken priest at a pre-school.

No, the new “Halloween” movie is none of the above. Tentatively titled “Halloween Returns”, this installment is instead a follow up the original “Halloween II”. How is that going to work you ask?

Fuck if I know.

The “Halloween” franchise is weird when you get right down to it. Of course we have the classic original, then we have the first sequel which for me was always a letdown, but at least it wrapped up the story as a whole that John Carpenter had planned. We then got a standalone film with “Halloween III”, which bombed with audiences (and is severely underrated). After that we got two more sequels that brought Michael Myers back as he chased after his niece. Following that we got another film that exposed Myers’ part in a cult as to why he can’t die. After that, we got two more films in which Jamie Lee Curtis came back as Laurie Strode and ignored the previous three films before it, concluding with Michael getting his ass handed to him by fucking Busta Rhymes for fuck’s sake. Years later, we got an unnecessary remake that had an even more unnecessary backstory for Michael, followed by an experimental sequel that was a literal flaming turd.

Fuck me man, can we just let it end already?

I know that slasher franchises are designed to keep going on and on forever, whether it is through sequels, remakes, reboots, etc., but there comes a time when enough is enough. Look at the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movies. There have been numerous sequels, prequels, remakes, and re-imaginings, and none of them manage to come close to how great the original film was.

Now I know that it’d be stupid to expect a new “Halloween” film, no matter what kind of film it is, to top the original, but that’s not what any of us are expecting in the first place, because no follow up to that ever will. It’s the fact that we just don’t need any more “Halloween” films. The more they churn them out, the more tarnished the legacy of what the series has done and has meant to fans becomes. Now this might sound like sour grapes, and maybe it is just a little bit, but haven’t we all gotten tired of the same old shit already? Don’t we want to see something new and somewhat exciting and maybe even a little innovative in the genre?

The major movie studios think we don’t. They just want to print money. And that’s all fine and good, but it doesn’t mean we have to give it to them either.

No matter what, I’m sure I’ll get around to seeing “Halloween Returns” at some point or another; I’m just not in a fucking hurry. You probably shouldn’t be either.

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