Sunday, December 4, 2011

There's a "Starship Troopers" remake coming out...for no reason at all

Paul Verhoeven films are seemingly becoming ripe for the picking to be remade these days. We’ve got a sure to be shit-tastic remake of “Total Recall” coming out next year from the crew behind the even more shit-tastic “Underworld” franchise, plus the much talked about remake of “Robocop” is gaining steam as well. Both films are regarded as genre classics and two of the best films of Verhoeven’s career, but they aren’t the only films of his that can’t escape the clutches of greedy, unoriginal Hollywood executives…

…because they’re remaking “Starship Troopers” too.

Let that sink in…

Now I know the first thought going through your head is probably something like, “wait a minute, that didn’t come out that long ago did it?” The answer is no, not really. Released in 1997, “Starship Troopers” is adapted from the classic Robert A. Heinlein novel of the same name, and is injected with plenty of Verhoeven’s style of social satire with buckets of blood and CGI effects that were state of the art for their time. The film was a hit and spawned two direct-to-DVD sequels over the years, and while the original film was definitely flawed and nowhere near a classic sci-fi/action flick, it was nevertheless enjoyable and fun.

Now, here we are in 2011, and they’re talking about remaking it. A film that isn’t even 15 years old now stands a chance at being remade…do you think the suits out on the West Coast are just completely bankrupt in terms of coming up with their own ideas or what?

Saying this would be a needless remake is saying it lightly, because it seems like every remake (regardless of genre) to come out in nearly the past decade has been absolutely fucking needless. However, a majority of them are remakes of films that are at least 20 or so years old, so you can kind of understand why a film that old would be ripe to be chosen to be remade…but “Starship Troopers”? Really? This is just fucking stupid.

I’m saying it right now folks, this upcoming “Starship Troopers” remake will wind up in the scrap heap with the shitty, needless remakes of flicks like “The Hitcher”, “The Stepfather”, “Prom Night”, “The Fog”, “Amityville Horror”, and countless, countless others. I mention those because most of those remakes were PG-13 rated shit-fests that didn’t retain any of the balls or edginess of their predecessors, in the effort to earn a PG-13 rating to make just a little more money at the box office. Chances are this new “Starship Troopers” will probably follow the same blueprint.

To close out my ramblings here, let me just say that if they want to remake any more of Paul Verhoeven’s films, why don’t you try remaking “Showgirls”? That glorified trashy train wreck of a wank-fest would bring the audiences in like stampeding horses, whether it was rated NC-17, R, or PG-13 because a majority of American movie audiences are dumber than shit, almost as dumb seemingly as the powers that be that decide what to remake in the first fucking place, almost. If/when said remake of “Starship Troopers” happens, I’m just going to stick my head up my ass and pretend it isn’t there.

Next thing you know they’ll remake “Hollow Man” just to complete the Verhoeven filmography of remade and regurgitated bullshit.

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