Saturday, July 23, 2011

Shit I've Learned in 27 Years

Just yesterday, July 22, I turned 27 years old. Yes sir, I’m pushing 30…and no one is more surprised that I’ve lived this long than me, thank you very fucking much. Anyway, in my 27 years of life on this Earth, there have been a number of things that I’ve realized over the years, most of which haven’t changed in that time, and probably won’t for the foreseeable future either. So here we are with a list of shit I’ve come to realize in my 27 years of hedonistic existence, so strap yourselves in folks and fucks.

Shit I’ve realized in 27 years:

Pulling out isn’t always the best option

The douche-y jock in high school is still a douche today; he just drives a pickup truck now

There is no better destination for scripted “reality” television and teenage exploitation than MTV, now more than ever

Chewing tobacco is, and always will be, the most trashy and disgusting shit in the history of mankind

It’s never a good idea to light up a sparkler in a meth lab

You can meet all kinds of interesting people in prison

“The Matrix” movies are fucking stupid, especially after you discover all the other films and media the Wachowski Brothers ripped off to create it

Poking holes in your friend’s condom stash with a thumbtack is an awesome prank

Performing “Jackass”-type stunts is always funny

Telling chicks you’re Batman will not get you laid

Telling chicks you know Batman will not get you laid

Calling your car the Batmobile will not get you laid

Using your first name followed by “mobile” (i.e., Nickmobile) to point your car out to a chick will not get you laid

Baby oil and candle wax are a recipe for fucking disaster

Hipsters are new-age beatniks but are nowhere near as cool and are twice as self-indulgent

Just because you’re able to knock stuff off your table with your schlong does not make you special, even if it is fun to do

Not everyone thinks “Beavis & Butt-Head” is funny

People who don’t like “Beavis & Butt-Head” have no sense of humor and take life too seriously

Just because a stripper happens to be a midget does not mean that you can throw quarters or 50-cent pieces at her instead of dollar bills

If it often burns when you pee you should see a doctor and frequent Baby Dolls in Douglassville all the less often

No one thinks I’m funny

Well, that’s all fucks! See y’all in the funnybooks…

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