Friday, December 24, 2010

How to tell if you're a tool: the Christmas edition

There's being a tool any other regular day of the week, but there's being a Christmas tool too. How does one tell whether or not they are a Christmas tool or not? Well folks, just take a look at the list below to get an idea about just what makes one a Christmas tool, and if you are...well, maybe it's time to switch religions...or just not give a shit. Your call either way, but now let's get on to the list...

You're a Christmas tool if:

Your electric bill jumps significantly by the time you've set up all your lights all over your house.

If you spend more than an hour decorating.

If you have a pet and you get them a Christmas-themed outfit (or any outfit for that matter) for them to wear. All the poor animal is thinking the whole time is "oh God get this shit off me, this is embarassing for both of us".

If you actually get up at 3 or 4 morning to go out shopping on Black Friday. You people drive me nuts.

If you dress up as Santa and tell chicks to sit on your lap or if they want a candy cane ('cause I would never do something like that, nope, not at all).

If you watch "It's a Wonderful Life" every year. People who've never seen this movie know it by heart, that's how ingrained it is to our culture...and try telling that guy who works at McDonalds making minimum wage for his family how wonderful of a life it is.

If you're that asshole who is all over the place at a Christmas party holding missletoe. No one wants to kiss you.

If you've ever made yourself a missletoe belt-buckle (guilty).

If you go get a tree the night before Christmas.

If you're at the strip club on Christmas eve. Take a night off, seriously.

If you post the lyrics to "12 Days of Christmas" day by day on Facebook, AKA your name is Seth Szajek.

If you really think Christmas is more important than any other holiday in any other religion. Regardless of the origins behind Christmas, it has been degraded into nothing more than a commercial, Hallmark holiday that represents the capitalist ideals of our country to the max. If you really think there's any more to it than that, go fuck yourself. Jesus never wanted an XBox...maybe.

That's all folks. Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and all that other happy horseshit.

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