Friday, November 12, 2010

How to tell if you're a tool: the Facebook edition

A while back I listed all the things that can possibly make one a tool in their everyday life. Since then I've noticed a number of things on Facebook that have led me to believe that one's actions on the immensely popular social networking site can make one a tool as well...a Facebook tool of you will.

After all the feedback (and subsequent friend deletions, my heart weeps like an oozing herpe sore) I received the last time around, I'm dying to find out what I can this time around.

Just remember one thing, if you fall under a couple or so of what I'm listing here, you're not necessarily a tool, you just have tool tendencies (I'm guilty as well). And oh yeah, try not to take it too seriously, 'cause if you do, you're just as massive a tool as a tool could possibly be.

And now...suck it folks!


You're a Facebook tool if:

You like your own statuses

You detail that you're out for the night and say "text it!"

You finish a status with "ftw" or "for the win". Clearly, there are no apparent winners anywhere in sight except all your Facebook friends who laugh at you when you do this.

If you're relationship status is "It's Complicated", which really translates to being, "my occasional fuck buddy has other fuck buddies".

If you're a chick and your relationship status is "in an open relationship". This is just a classier way of saying "I'm a whore, pay attention to me, I may fuck you".

If you're a guy and your relationship status is "in an open relationship". You're a douche, she's a slut; must work out great!

If your status is "In a relationship", but for some reason it states that you're "interested in dating and/or a relationship".

If your profile picture is you flexing. We get it, you work out, stop being a show-off, there's a weight bench that hasn't had the chance to be bathed in your stanky sweat yet.

If you post videos of yourself doing "Jackass" style shit and actually think that it's funny (guilty).

If you have a shit ton of people listed as your siblings when they clearly aren't (slightly guilty).

If every single status of yours is song lyrics.

If you have over 1,000 friends. Really?

If your need to post your political opinions goes from opinion to downright idiocy (can be difficult to tell one from the other at times).

If you keep talking about how awesome your iPhone is.

If you say "Go Eagles". The correct term I believe is, "fuck the Eagles!". I could be wrong, but I'm probably not.

If you have no children of your own, but repeatedly post pictures of yourself posing with a child (relative or friend's kid). Clearly you don't have a child of your own for a reason, and the rest of the world is thankful for that.

That's it for now folks! I understand that I may have come off as being a little mean here, but please don't take it that way. Or totally take it that way if you want to, I'll be sure to be around to hear any feedback...fuckers.

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