Friday, June 25, 2010

Think your childhood has been raped enough? Think again...

If you were born or grew up in the 80s, chances are that you have some fond memories in relation to your childhood. Whether it involve a favorite cartoon series or popular toy line, more often than not there is something in your childhood that you can look back on and smile about...

...until it gets a modern day update in some other medium and is so different from what you remember that those memories of joy and love turn to feelings of rage and hate!

Modern updates to old properties are nothing new, as every decade or so a new coat of paint gets thrown on something old so it can be repackaged to the masses as something new, but a number of properties to debut in the 80s specifically have seen this brand of repackaging more so than anything else. I remember as a young kid in the early 90s getting re-introduced to "He-Man and the Masters of the Universe" in the form of a new-age cartoon and toy line, that even back then I knew couldn't hold a candle to the original.

Anyway, let's go back to 2007, when the massively successful "Transformers" live-action movie debuted and raked in tons of cash. This wasn't the first time my beloved "Transformers" were repackaged and remarketed though. When I was in high school during the late 90s/early 2000s, there was "Beast Wars", which focused on a group of new robots descended from the original characters of the original series, and featured many more ties and homages back to the original series of which it was based upon. It was different, but enjoyable, especially for teenage viewers that were around my age who had fondly remembered the original series and toyline. When Michael Bay's big-budget take on "Transformers" was in pre-production, there was a good amount of hesitation about how the end result would turn out, and in the end, the film was surprisingly enjoyable for being little more than big, dumb, loud, mainstream-aimed trashy fun. The 2009 sequel: not so much, but that's a discussion for another time.

"Transformers" hasn't been the only kids-associated line to see many repackages and reimaginings however. "G.I. Joe" has been doing it for even longer, and culminated fairly recently with an abomination of a live-action film that if I were to do a scientific-based study on, could prove that people who watch and enjoy it actually get more dumber as the film progresses. Regardless of that though, one would think that raping "Transformers" and "G.I. Joe" would be enough for Hollywood execs to get off on, but think again.

Since Hollywood is apparently so devoid of original, or even good, ideas at all, other toy lines, cartoons, and even board games are being looked at to be made into feature films and everything that comes with them. "The Smurfs" is on the horizon for next year I do believe, which pretty much everyone knows by now. However, what some may not know is that there are feature film adaptations of such things as "Monopoly", "Battleship", and "View Master" on the way. Yes, you read that takes on board games and that shitty piece of plastic. How can someone seriously make a movie based on the "View Master"? What kind of brain trust has to be assembled to come up with an idea surrounding a feature-length movie to go along with the thought that masses of people will shell out their cash to actually watch it? What the fuck are these ass holes thinking?!?!?!?! I can understand taking a cartoon or action figure line and turning it into a movie, but coming up with a movie take on a fucking board game or lame toy? What's next, a movie based on the mother-fucking Easy Bake Oven or the Creepy Crawlers machine?

Not too long ago, I poked some fun at the fact that so many horror flicks get remade these days that it isn't even funny. I had asked just how bankrupt for ideas the major film-making brass is to give the green light on these things being made, and now I have to ask the same thing in reference to films based on the assorted nonsense that I just got done bitching about above. I can understand wanting to secure the longevity of a toy or cartoon franchise by making a big budget movie or roll out a new cartoon series for a new generation of viewers, but are these so-called "creative minds" in charge that goddamned brain dead?

Christ all-fucking-mighty, I need a cigarette before my head explodes...


  1. You know, I wouldn't mind if they would go after some of the obscure properties; if it works, then great, and if not, well the fan outtrage would be less. I'm talking Thundarr the Barbarian, Sectaurs, Inhumanoids, Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors, etc.

  2. I agree wholeheartedly, and I would actually love to see a new take on Thundarr!