Nasty Nick's New Year's Resolutions!

Another year over, another year starts. The same old shit cycle continues. 2015 for me kind of totally fucking sucked ass, except for a few bright spots sprinkled throughout. That aside, 2016 is going to be...pretty much the same I think.

Anyway, we're going balls deep into 2016 right fucking now, so I've prepared some good old fashioned New Year's Resolutions...of which every single one I intend to keep. Strap yourselves in assholes, here we go with the resolutions and promises I'm making for this year:

That I intend to fill out my vintage porn collection

That I'll cut my daily masturbation rituals down from six times a day to five

That I will stop wasting my money on cigarettes and steal them instead

That I will no longer refer to the act of fisting as "Puppetwork"

That I will stop dying my socks pink and calling them "wearable prolapsed rectums"

That I won't automatically hate something because it's popular

That I will actually have TAPES all finished by the end of this year



All I can say for sure is that it's probably only the first resolution up there that will actually really happen. The rest of it can fuck on off (though TAPES is coming along nicely finally).

Happy New Year's you fuckin degenerates.

Top 10 Overrated Horror Films

It's happened to all of us at one point or another. You hear so many of your friends and people in general rave about a certain movie so much that it builds the hype about it in your head so damn much that you can't wait to see it for yourself. Then you finally get to see it and you think to yourself "oh my fucking God this is going to be so awesome"...and then halfway through it you realize it's a steaming turd. Well, maybe not quite a steaming turd, but nowhere near what you envisioned it as being.

This has happened to me quite a bit over the years with horror movies. I've heard nothing but great things about all the ones I'm going to list here, and then when I see them, I scratch my head in amazement that they are as well-received as they are. I managed to narrow this down to ten entries (this honestly could have gone on forever) of what I believe are the most overrated horror flicks around. Most of these films aren't all that old either, which either says a lot about the modern horror film genre as a whole or just my overall perception; you decide.

Now there were quite a few films that didn't make this final list, most notably being the "Paranormal Activity" franchise as a whole (mostly because I did actually enjoy the first installment), the American remake of "The Grudge", George Romero's "Day of the Dead", "Haute Tension", "House" (the one with William Katt), and "The Orphanage". The rest of these flicks I'm gonna list here? Well, fuck em.



10. FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Director: Sean Cunningham
Starring: Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King, Kevin Bacon

Now don't get me wrong, I have a lot of respect and love for the original "Friday the 13th". Hell, the franchise as a whole is probably the most enjoyable (to me) out of all the 80s slasher franchises because they are the most consistent in terms of what they offer. That being said, most people often associate this original installment as a "classic" that stands tall next to the original "Halloween" and "A Nightmare on Elm Street". Well, those two films are slasher, and horror in general, classics. The first "Friday the 13th" definitely is not. It is fun and iconic in its own way, there's no doubt about that, but the fact that there would be future installments that surpassed this film in terms of overall quality and dare I say it value, doesn't help its case. Not to mention that it wasn't scary at all then or now, where as "Halloween" and "A Nightmare on Elm Street" can still manage to elicit chills no matter how old they are.



9. HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (2003)
Director: Rob Zombie
Starring: Sid Haig, Karen Black, Bill Moseley

Oh shit, this fucking movie. Where do I start? I remember going miles out of my way to the only movie theater around me that was playing this just so I could see it opening night. Well, I did...and my reaction then is pretty much what my reaction to "House of 1000 Corpses" is now: meh. I mean it isn't terrible, not one bit...but it is nowhere worthy of being as revered as it is either. Just for so much of its running time I'm just so fucking bored and I don't give two shits about any single character in it. Now the fact this movie even exists is good for a few reasons: it brought a lot of beloved genre actors back into the spotlight like Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, and Karen Black for a new generation to discover, and it also led to us getting a far superior sequel in "The Devil's Rejects", which remains the pinnacle of Rob Zombie's filmography.



8. THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE (2009)
Director: Tom Six
Starring: Dieter Laser, Ashley Williams, Ashlyn Yennie

Fuck this movie...seriously. Well, maybe that's too harsh a sentiment, but still, fuck this movie. Fuck it in the ear. Body horror is a sub-genre that I often waver between loving and hating, and this fucking movie stirs up quite a bit of hate from me. Actually, the whole franchise does now that I think about it. One of the films that kickstarted the whole ultra-gross-out-horror kick we were on for a while, the original "Human Centipede" isn't nearly as graphic as its predecessor (which in all honesty I've never fully seen and probably never will) but the fact that there's a certain sect of people that consider this film a modern day horror classic makes me ill. Again, for the most part this flick just bores the shit out of me. Its premise tries to entice you with its shock value, and it fails. Miserably.



7. ANTICHRIST (2009)
Director: Lars Von Trier
Starring: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Willem Dafoe, Storm Acheche

When Lars Von Trier birthed "Antichrist" upon the world, critics and audiences were polarized to say the least. Some hailed it as brilliant art, others called it misogynistic garbage. In my opinion, it isn't really either. Von Trier as a director I often find myself polarized by. I really try to enjoy a lot of his work, but most times I just can't. I often feel that his mission is to make you feel uncomfortable, and he totally succeeds here with "Antichrist". The film drains the viewer in every emotion that it elicits. Most people may see that as a good quality, and maybe it is, but for me I just don't see what the fuss is over it. That, and the graphic genital mutilation I could've done without. Maybe I'm just out of touch...but if I am, in the case of "Antichrist" I am totally fine with that.



6. HOSTEL (2005)
Director: Eli Roth
Starring: Jay Hernandez, Derek Richardson, Eythor Gudjonsson

I really want to like Eli Roth. He seems like my kinda guy, he really does...I just wish a majority of his films reflected that manic personality and love for the horror genre that he has. Anyway, the original "Hostel" was birthed out of the torture porn craze that hit in the mid-2000s, and it definitely shows. So much of the film just feels derivative. For being classified a horror film, it isn't scary in the least (I'll get to how I feel about torture porn as a whole in a bit) and instead we get scenes of very nasty things happening to characters we know next to nothing about and feel little to nothing for either. Its overall premise is intriguing, which helps make its failed execution (no pun intended) even more of a disappointment.



5. THE BABADOOK (2014)
Director: Jennifer Kent
Starring: Essie Davis, Noah Wiseman, Daniel Henshall

The most recent film on this list, the hype surrounding "The Babadook" was so sky high that I should've known better going into it. With an absurd rating on Metacritic and featuring scores of critical acclaim across both the horror press and mainstream press, there was no way that "The Babadook" would fulfill those lofty heights. Well it doesn't just not fulfill its promise, it lands hard with such a disappointing thud that it doesn't take long to realize how much of a turd this flick really is. What kills it for me the most? That fucking kid. I prayed and hoped that that kid would get devoured by the film's monster so fucking bad it isn't even funny. If that makes me a horrible person in any way, shape, or form...I welcome being thought of in that way. Maybe it's because I don't have kids that I'm so fucking annoyed by that kid, but it doesn't change the fact that the promise this film has is just thrown to the wayside. Is the mother crazy and imagining all this shit due to the trauma of losing her husband and being a single mother? Or is there really a terrible monster lurking inside her making her keep losing her mind? There were so many interesting directions to go in, and they went for the most predictable one. Fuck this movie.



4. THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT (1999)
Director: Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez
Starring: Heather Donahue, Michael Williams, Joshua Leonard

Another film that received tons of praise and is credited for starting the whole "found footage" thing (spoiler alert: it didn't, thanks "Cannibal Holocaust"), "The Blair Witch Project" is an overblown bore. Its creepy premise is ruined by the found footage aspect. I know that many consider its framing making it more realistic and scary, but for me all it does is detract from any frightening atmosphere the film can conjure up. Doesn't help that the principal actors are terrible and don't come off as being realistic people at all. I'll never understand how this film became one of the most successful independent films ever made, I really fucking won't. Oh, and on a side note, I get motion sickness just thinking about how shaky the camera in this fucking is.



3. THE RING (2002)
Director: Gore Verbinski
Starring: Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson, Brian Cox

Oh fuck me, this fucking movie. Another flick I'll never understand the wide acclaim it receives, only this is a piss-poor Americanized remake of a genuinely creepy and scary Japanese horror movie ("Ringu"), which thanks to the success of this we became flooded with PG-13-rated Americanized remakes of good Japanese horror movies for the next few years. I remember seeing this in a theater and laughing to myself while everyone was gasping at the cheap jump scares that are so damn predictable. "Ringu" is far superior in every way, shape, or form. If you've never seen it, I highly recommend tracking it down and giving it a watch.



2. SCREAM (1996)
Director: Wes Craven
Starring: Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox, David Arquette

The slasher franchise that defined the 90s, I have little love for "Scream". Granted it helped put Wes Craven back on the horror radar as a well-regarded director, and it isn't terrible one bit in all honesty, but it is absolutely nowhere near being a "classic" like many think it is. I actually think "Scream 2" is better, but the franchise as a whole is just so damn overrated. It certainly has its place in history for breathing some life (and money) back into the slasher genre and spawning so many parodies and rip-offs, while also spawning many, many shitty teen slasher flicks that raked in cash and offered nothing in terms of thrills or excitement. Oh, and true story, I called who the killer(s) were 15 minutes into the movie the first time I saw it. That's nothing to be proud of, anyone with a brain could.



1. SAW (THE WHOLE FUCKING FRANCHISE 2004-2010)
Director: various
Starring: Tobin Bell and many other poor bastards

Okay, deep breath...fuck "Saw" and all its sequels. Let me illustrate something for you: the year is 2004. We're still recovering from the horde of PG-13 Japanese remakes (see above) and cheap scare ghost movies that were plaguing mainstream horror. Enter the original "Saw": a super low-budget and violent film that made so much money out of nowhere that it made the execs at Lions Gate keep pumping out sequels every single Halloween for years to come. Now, the original film isn't terrible at all, and can actually be genuinely shocking...and it was refreshing. We were sick of the watered-down teeniebopper horror that had been all over the place for the past couple years, and we craved something somewhat original and super violent: and that was "Saw". The sequels that followed took whatever promise the original had and threw it out the window for gratuitous scenes of torture and traps that began as interesting and inventive and just became totally fucking lazy. The longer the overall story became as the films went on, the more ridiculous and just plain stupid it became. By the time "Saw 3D" came around, people had had enough. Now I'm sure the franchise will be back one day (it's made way too much money not to), but the other thing that "Saw" is responsible for is kick-starting the torture porn sub-genre in horror. You know, the genre that features nothing more but torture scenes, isn't scary at all, and classifies itself as "psychological horror"? Fuck all that. I only wish the "Saw" franchise stayed dead and buried, but I know as well as every horror fan does, no franchise stays dead forever.



So, that was my top overrated horror films. I know I cheated a little with the last entry by making it a whole franchise, but I feel it's warranted. Agree? Disagree? I don't give two fucks...but thanks for reading it regardless. Now go watch some good shit.

20 Years of Sega Saturn: Top 20 Saturn Games

This month marks 20 years since the Sega Saturn launched in America...and began to doom Sega's future as a console manufacturer. See, after the success of the Genesis and the ongoing console war with Nintendo, Sega launched a number of ill-conceived add-ons for the Genesis, namely the Sega CD and 32X, before the Saturn ever came out. After botching their own launch, and pissing off third party publishers, it's a wonder that the Saturn, and the Dreamcast that would follow it, managed to last the few years they did. That aside though, it doesn't take away from the fact that the Saturn was a dreadfully underrated console.

With its main competitors being the mega-successful Playstation and Nintendo 64, the Saturn sat far back in third place with little third-party support. What it did have was some wonderful 2-D fighting games, a whole shitload of great racing games, and even more RPGs; many of which are regarded as the best of the era. Sadly, a lot of the best games to be released for the Saturn weren't released in North America, but fortunately, the Saturn is one of the simplest consoles to play foreign games on.

With all that in mind, in celebration of 20 years since the Saturn hit our shores, this is a list of the 20 best games available for the console. Some of these games were available on other consoles, either at the time or were in the future, but that doesn't take away from the fact that these were the absolute best games the console had to offer.

Let's get started.



20. ROAD RASH

A 32-bit version of EA's hit racing series from the Genesis, "Road Rash" features all the great racing action that fans of the franchise had come to know. Combined with a fucking fantastic soundtrack and wonderfully cheesy FMV sequences, "Road Rash" is a blast. It was also available on the Playstation and 3DO, along with a souped-down version on the Sega CD some years prior.



19. MR. BONES

A multi-genre video game that features an assortment of different style levels and gameplay scenarios, "Mr. Bones" is still a Saturn exclusive that featured some great graphical effects (for the Saturn that is) and a kick-ass soundtrack. It quickly faded into obscurity upon release, but has since become a cult classic and a sought-after game for Saturn collectors. Check this out.



18. MEGA MAN 8

Capcom's classic "Mega Man" series hit the Saturn and Playstation, and provided more of what the franchise had become known for. That's pretty much it, nothing too innovative here, but since it's a Mega Man game, there's nothing wrong with that. The American Saturn version of this is rare, and it's actually cheaper to import the Japanese release instead.



17. GALACTIC ATTACK (U.S.)/RAYFORCE (JAPAN)

A vertical space shooter arcade game, "Galactic Attack" has about 10 different titles depending what region of the world you're in, but every single one is just as fucking fun...and harder than shit. It's simple and fun, and one of many shmup-style games that the Saturn has to offer. I still pop this in now and then to this very day.



16. VIRTUA COP 2

One of Sega's flagship franchises at the time, "Virtua Cop 2" was the best of the series with more branching paths, better graphics, and loads more action. Many of the elements in this game would wind up being used in Sega's better known "House of the Dead" series, but sadly that home port of the game to the Saturn was nowhere near as good as either of the "Virtua Cop" games ended up being.



15. DAYTONA USA: CHAMPIONSHIP CIRCUIT EDITION

An arcade classic, "Daytona USA" was one of the first games most people ever played on the Saturn. It was close to being an arcade perfect port, but the Championship Circuit Edition, released towards the end of the Saturn's life-cycle, added a few more modes and even the option for playing online (then again, Sega's NETLINK service at the time was fucking horrendous, but I digress), helping make this the definitive version of the game for its time.



14. SATURN BOMBERMAN

"Bomberman" is always a fun blast, especially if you have a room full of people, but "Saturn Bomberman" is one of the best releases in the long running franchise. Everything about it is perfect: it's arenas, it's animation, how simple it is to pick up and play, etc. This also goes for a lot of money on eBay and all that.



13. DARIUS GAIDEN

The long running"Darius" franchise has seen release on all kinds of consoles and computer systems in the past, but "Darius Gaiden" is one of the absolute best pure 2D shooting games ever made. Super enjoyable with ridiculous boss fights and a pumping soundtrack. Also released on the Playstation and has been ported to many other consoles over the years.



12. FIGHTERS MEGAMIX

A mish-mash of characters from Sega's "Virtua Fighter" and "Fighting Vipers" franchises, "Fighters Megamix" is a big blast to play. Between the large character selection, which also includes a bevy of unlockable and secret characters, plus the many homage's to Sega's franchises, this game is just plain awesome. You can usually find this pretty cheap and it has never seen a re-release either. Check it out.



11. VIRTUA FIGHTER 2

While we're on the subject of Sega's 3D fighting franchises, "Virtua Fighter 2" was one of the best 3D fighters of its era. Granted it was never for everybody, but it was super enjoyable for what it is. Playing like a way more refined version of the original game with graphical effects that pushed the Saturn's poor 3D processing power to its limit, this was one of the premiere games for the console to own.



10. X-MEN VS STREET FIGHTER

An arcade fighter crossover, the Saturn version of "X-Men VS Street Fighter" never made it over here on our shores, instead we got an inferior Playstation version that couldn't handle all the sprite movement and animation. For the Japanese Saturn release, the game came with a cartridge that expanded the RAM so all the game's animation and tag-team action remained intact. One of the best of Capcom's Marvel fighting games.



9. SEGA RALLY CHAMPIONSHIP

An arcade perfect port of Sega's off-road racing hit, "Sega Rally" is still super fun to play to this very day. There's been sequels and spin-offs in the years that followed, but this remains one of the best games on the console, and an essential addition to your Saturn library.



8. NIGHT WARRIORS: DARKSTALKERS REVENGE

The second installment of Capcom's "Darkstalkers" fighting franchise, the Saturn release of "Night Warriors" was a near-arcade perfect port that proved the Saturn could do 2D animation and graphics way better than the Playstation ever could. It flows smooth as silk and is still super fun to play. Oh, and Morrigan makes me feel funny in my pants...in the front.



7. STREET FIGHTER ALPHA 2

What I just said about the Saturn doing 2D games way better than the Playstation could? Well, it's true, and "Street Fighter Alpha 2" is a prime example. This is without a doubt the best home port of the game to ever see the light of day.



6. NIGHTS...INTO DREAMS

An instant cult classic upon its original release, "Nights" featured wonderfully fun gameplay and was even packaged with a "3D" controller that made the game even more fun (a controller that one can tell right away was an early precursor to the controller that would be designed for the Dreamcast). Unique in its art design and gameplay elements, the game also boasts an amazing soundtrack that is regarded as one of the best...well, ever. We finally received a long awaited sequel on the Wii a few years back, as well as an HD re-release for a new generation.



5. RADIANT SILVERGUN

The best vertical shooter to grace the console, "Radiant Silvergun" sadly never saw release over here. Instead, it remained in Japan, where it became a fan favorite and a critical darling, which is a real shame that American gamers didn't get to experience it back then. Anyway, eventually it did get an HD re-release on XBox Live, which is pretty fun, but there's just something about the original that does it for me. It'll cost you a pretty penny to import it, but it's worth it.



4. SHINING FORCE III

One of the final games to be released for the Saturn, "Shining Force III" is super rare, and super awesome. With great animation, voice acting, and a deep quest that will keep you plenty entertained, this game has a lot to offer. Sadly though, as long as this game is, there's more to the story that never made it over to our shores. Additional scenarios would be released in Japan, while we missed out on them. Ultra pricey.



3. DRAGON FORCE

Regarded as one of the best real-time strategy games to ever see the light of day, "Dragon Force" features multiple storylines and paths that determine how the game will wind up. Achieving massive critical love when first released, like many other Saturn games it didn't sell well, and has since become a sought-after collector's item.



2. GUARDIAN HEROES

A 2D side-scrolling beat 'em up with RPG elements thrown in, "Guardian Heroes" was another critical darling that no one played, and has thus become one of the most sought-after games the Saturn has to offer. It has received an HD re-release on XBox Live with new artwork and gameplay elements, but there's something about the original Saturn version that it just can't hold a candle to it.



1. PANZER DRAGOON SAGA

Well, this is it. The big granddaddy of Saturn games, and one of the rarest video games in general. An RPG take on Sega's cult "Panzer Dragoon" franchise, "Panzer Dragoon Saga" was a massive undertaking that saw an extremely limited release during the last days of the Saturn's life. Seriously, this game goes for hundreds of dollars, especially if you can find one with all the discs included in its original packaging. That aside though, it's one of the best games Sega ever made, and is begging for some kind of re-release in the future. Hell, I'd just love a new "Panzer Dragoon" game honestly, but that's another story.



So there you have it. Did you own a Saturn in your youth? Did you ever play it? Do you want to? Well you fucking should. Captain Nick says so.

Top 10 John Carpenter Films

There's a whole era of horror directors whose work has not only stood the test of time, but are considered the masters of the genre. George Romero, Tobe Hooper, David Cronenberg, Wes Craven, John Landis, and of course, John Carpenter. All these filmmakers achieved both mainstream success, and massive success within the horror genre over the years, but among them all, there's always been something in particular about Carpenter's filmography that has stuck out to me above all the previously mentioned. Maybe it's because he's always been kind of underrated, even within the horror genre itself if you can believe that. Either way, a majority of his films are among my favorite films of all time in ANY genre...and he's the only filmmaker alive to hold that distinction to me personally.

Now not every film Carpenter has directed has been a classic (just watch "Memoirs of an Invisible Man"...or rather, don't). That aside, he's made more great films than he has bad, and a large handful of which are fucking excellent. So without further adieu, here's my top ten John Carpenter films in the history of fucking ever. If you've never seen some or any of these before, not only are you missing out, you're out of your fucking mind.



10. STARMAN (1984)
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Karen Allen, Charles Martin Smith

The only Carpenter film to ever have an Oscar nomination (Bridges for Best Actor), "Starman" is a slightly sentimental but surprisingly endearing story of a recently widowed woman that comes across an alien being that has taken the form of her late husband. Unlike nearly everything else on this list, "Starman" is far from horror, but it remains one of Carpenter's best-made films, and features one of the best performances of Jeff Bridges' legendary career.



9. PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987)
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Lisa Blount, Jameson Parker

It's not everyday you find a film that blends meta-physics with Satan, but here we are. A priest invites some physics students to check out a mysterious vat of green liquid in the basement of an abandoned church, only to learn that it's really the essence of Satan himself. There's demonic possession (including Alice Cooper as a homeless bum!) and some supremely interesting ideas that get thrown around in the midst of all the murder and mayhem, combined with a surprising amount of dread and the fact that you really don't know what the fuck is going to happen next. Supremely underrated film in Carpenter's body of work.



8. IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1994)
Starring: Sam Neill, Jurgen Prochnow, David Warner

Speaking of supremely underrated films in Carpenter's body of work, "In the Mouth of Madness" is a gleeful take on fandom, namely that of current horror authors like Stephen King. Sam Neill plays an insurance investigator tasked with learning more of the disappearance of a popular horror novelist, only to learn that the author's creations seem to be coming to life...and driving people murderously insane. There's a lot of Lovecraft-ian touches here and there, and its ending is a total fucking hoot.



7. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986)
Starring: Kurt Russell, Kim Catrall, Dennis Dun

There isn't much I can say about "Big Trouble in Little China" that hasn't already been said plenty of times already. This film, like many other of Carpenter's films on this list, was a box office bomb that ended up finding its audience some time after its initial release. Now recognized as a bona-fide cult classic, "Big Trouble in Little China" is a mix of Chinese martial-arts mysticism and American-ized, John Wayne-archetype thrills. The makeup effects are fan-fucking-tastic, and Kurt Russell is one of the most memorable asshole heroes ever. Though this wasn't his first time as an asshole hero in a Carpenter movie...we'll get to those films in a bit.



6. THE FOG (1980)
Starring: Hal Holbrook, Jamie Lee Curtis, Adrienne Barbeau

An underappreciated film, even by some die hard Carpenter fans, "The Fog" is the most atmospheric of all of Carpenter's films. A super creepy ghost story that features a bevy of big-name acting talent, "The Fog" manages to ratchet up suspense and dread throughout its running time. Even if it gets a tad predictable as things begin winding to a close, it still manages to give you the creeps regardless. This film, like many of the next ones to come on this list, received an unnecessary remake, which somehow ended up becoming one of the absolute worst remakes in horror history. No I'm not shitting you.



5. ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (1981)
Starring: Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Harry Dean Stanton

Another film I can't say much about that hasn't already been said hundreds of times already. You all know the plot, and you all know that it has one of the most iconic antiheroes in all of film history. "Escape From New York" is a perfect example of a filmmaker being able to do a lot with very little. Pretty low budget but boasting an immensely talented cast that includes Carpenter regulars like Tom Atkins and Adrienne Barbeau, and big time screen vets like Lee Van Cleef and Ernest Borgnine. It's easy to point out its faults in terms of its production values, but Carpenter and co. truly made the most of what they had to work with, helping the film become a cult classic to this very day. Carpenter and Russell would return for a 1996 sequel, "Escape from L.A.", which is equal parts enjoyable and disappointing. Then again, I guess one more trip with Snake Plisskin is better than no trip at all. Maybe we'll finally get the long awaited third film "Escape From Earth" instead of a shitty remake? I wouldn't count on that, but a guy can dream.



4. ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976)
Starring: Austin Stoker, Darwin Joston, Laurie Zimmer

Carpenter's follow up to his 1974 debut "Dark Star", "Assault on Precinct 13" is a 70s-era western on steroids. Taking cues from filmmakers like Howard Hawks and even a page from George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead", this film finds a soon to be closed down police precinct under siege by a large cadre of gang members. The inhabitants of the precinct, which includes both cops and criminals, have to team up if they have any hope of survival. It's dark, violent, and can be super nasty (including the infamous scene of a little girl meeting her end while trying to get ice cream); all of which helped gain Carpenter a lot of notoriety as his film career was really taking off. It would be the film he made after this that would cement him as a true visionary of the genre...and we'll get to that soon.



3. THEY LIVE (1988)
Starring: Roddy Piper, Keith David, Meg Foster

A film that was seemingly largely ignored upon release, but received so much acclaim over the years and has surprisingly become a timeless classic, "They Live" is a treat. Roddy fucking Piper plays a guy just looking to make a living and finds himself relegated among the homeless and destitute, until he discovers the shocking truth about society: billboards, magazines, and all media are loaded with subliminal messages telling us humans to OBEY and CONSUME...but that isn't even the worst of it. Those in charge are really alien beings and they've been among us for some time. Those that sell out to them are given riches and fame, while the poor keep getting poorer. Loaded with biting social commentary and featuring a brilliantly drawn out fist fight between Piper and Keith David, "They Live" is fucking wonderful. Watch it now. I fucking said so.



2. THE THING (1982)
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith David, Wilford Brimley

A remake of the 1951 "The Thing From Another World", and much more faithful to its source material than that film ever was ("Who Goes There?"), "The Thing" is one of the absolute best horror movies of the 80s. An American research team in the Arctic comes across an alien being that can imitate and absorb any life form it touches, causing mass paranoia among the group and some of the most gruesome special effects of the era. Seriously, the makeup and creature effects by Rob Bottin are so fucking ahead of their time that it's hard to believe that they were crafted in the era that they were. That, combined with the overwhelming sense of dread and isolation, and the fact that you literally don't know what the fuck is going to happen next, all helps make "The Thing" one of my personal favorite films of all time. Even though it was a relative bomb when it came out (apparently audiences didn't want to see an intelligent movie featuring a blood thirsty alien being after "E.T." had just come out), "The Thing" has grown into a bona-fide classic of the genre, even going so far as to outshining the original film. There was a remake/prequel/whatever the fuck that came out a couple years ago, and that bombed too. That film however is about as far from a classic as a film can get, so don't waste your time.



1. HALLOWEEN (1978)
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, PJ Soles

What, you were expecting "Ghosts of Mars"? The original "Halloween" jump started the slasher genre of the 80s, made Carpenter a household name (relatively), made a star of Jamie Lee Curtis, and gave birth to one of the most iconic horror villains in cinematic history. There's nothing about "Halloween" that I can say that you haven't already heard. It's amazingly suspenseful, atmospheric, and one of the most purely enjoyable horror movies to ever see the light of day. The film has spawned numerous sequels, remakes, toys, comics, and a legacy that cannot be matched. It's become a ritual in the decades since to watch the film every October, and with good reason. Even though nearly everything in the film has become a cliché of the modern slasher genre, this was the one that started them all, and none have done it better since.



Well, there you have it. Now granted, there are other Carpenter movies that didn't make this list that aren't bad like "Christine" and his remake of "Village of the Damned", but these ten films listed here are essential viewing. With that in mind, stop reading this fucking thing and go check them out if you haven't already. Thank me later.

Top 10 Most Horrifying Comic Book Villains

Comic book super villains by nature are frightening. They do bad things, hurt people, and generally stand for the polar opposite ideals that super heroes do. As fearsome as some villains can be, there's a select few that aren't just scary or frightening, but are totally fucking terrifying. Their villainous intentions aren't just to take over the world or rob banks or anything super predictable...and that in itself is a cause for concern. Their intentions are mayhem, chaos, or are just sheerly unpredictable; which is what sets them apart from their ilk the most.

So, this clusterfuck of a list is all about the most horrifying villains in comic books. Nothing is off limits in terms of titles the characters are from, but I will admit that this list wasn't easy one fucking bit to put together. Granted you can probably guess pretty easily who takes the number one spot here, but a decent amount of the rest of the lineup here was hard to put together. That aside, there were a few characters that didn't make the final cut, including Omni-Man, Darkseid, Doctor Destiny, Venom, Malebolgia, Mr. Sinister, The First of the Fallen, Mephisto, Clayface, Dollmaker, The Ventriloquist, Killer Croc, and The Saint of Killers; so consider them the honorable mentions.

Anyway, let's get on with this shit...



10. CLOWN/THE VIOLATOR ("Spawn" - Image)

This character hasn't aged all that well since the early 90s admittedly, but the overall character design of Clown, and his demonic form Violator, can still be scary as shit when done correctly. A demon who is originally tasked with guiding new Hellspawn's to fulfill the will of the devil, Clown/Violator usually has his own agendas, which mostly involve death, murder, chaos, and destruction. Not to mention the fact that no matter how many times he's killed, he always comes back. I know no one ever stays dead in comics forever, but Clown/Violator always comes back stronger than ever...much like someone else on this list we'll get to shortly.



9. MARIE L'ANGELLE ("Preacher" - Vertigo)

The wheelchair-bound grandmother of series protagonist Jesse Custer, Marie L'Angelle is a Christian fanatic that had Jesse's father murdered, forced Jesse to be a preacher, and kept doing everything she could to control and ruin his life, and the lives of anyone associated with him. What makes this old cunt truly terrifying is that she believes what she is doing is true and just and in the name of God. Her "family" muscle which includes the cunning Jody and backwoods stick-his-dick-in-anything-with-a-pulse T.C. are almost as terrifying on their own, but since they both answer to Marie, that in itself proves how powerful and frightening this bitch can be.



8. TOYO HARADA ("Harbinger" - Valiant)

Now I know what you're thinking. "Who the fuck is Toyo Harada and what the fuck is Valiant Comics?" Well kids, Valiant was a comic company I remember fondly from my youth that was once operated by former Marvel EIC Jim Shooter, and as a company they managed to produce some quality work before being purchased by now defunct video game company Acclaim. Eventually the line as a whole was gone for good, until a couple years back when they came roaring back with new and amazing takes on all their original properties. One of those properties was "Harbinger": an ongoing title about teenagers with super powers that were targeted by a man named Toyo Harada. Harada is a CEO that also happens to be the most powerful telekinetic in the world. His powers are so vast and limitless that he has managed to convince the world he's a philanthropist, while he's been assembling an army of people that have similar powers. What makes Harada terrifying is that underneath his ice-cool exterior, he is totally fucking unhinged. The few Harbingers that oppose Harada are pretty much terrified of him, and the sheer uncertainty of how powerful his abilities are...and how badly he can hurt them. Seriously, no one fucks with this guy for good reason.



7. THE HOMELANDER/BLACK NOIR ("The Boys" - Dynamite)

Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson's super twisted versions of Superman and Batman, The Homelander and Black Noir are the most powerful superhumans on the planet and leaders of this bizarro take on the Justice League known as The Seven...and they're totally fucking psychotic. An extreme megalomaniac, The Homelander is a mass murderer, rapist, and isn't above necrophilia and cannibalism...or is he? Throughout a majority of "The Boys", The Homelander is portrayed as the ultimate antagonist, until it's revealed that Black Noir is the true villain who has committed atrocity after atrocity in his name, because he is his secret clone. Yeah, it sounds complicated, but there's scenes in "The Boys" involving both characters that are just so fucking horrifying that it's hard to put into words. It was a tossup between these guys and Omni-Man from Robert Kirkman's "Invincible", but in the end, Homelander and Black Noir won out, just because of the impact they had on me personally. That, and I enjoyed "The Boys" much more than I ever did "Invincible", but that's a whole different story.



6. PROFESSOR PYG ("Batman" - DC)

A fairly recent addition to Batman's gigantic rogue's gallery, Professor Pyg is truly a sick, demented, fuck. Pyg, along with his Circus of Strange, want to make people "perfect", which usually involves lobotomizing them and using them as his slaves after grafting pig-masks onto their faces. Definitely the most grotesque Batman villain to come along in some time, Professor Pyg may lack in being a non-supernatural foe, but he makes up for it in his sheer brutality and the nature of his crimes. That, and that mask he wears is creepy by itself no matter what.



5. SOLOMON GRUNDY (DC Universe)

One of the earliest depictions of a zombie in comic book history, Solomon Grundy was originally a villain for Green Lantern Alan Scott, before eventually becoming a major villain for Superman, Batman, and the Justice League as a whole. No matter what version of Grundy we're talking about, they always have one thing in common: he's already dead, he always comes back, and he's immensely powerful. The character has gained a lot of love over the past few years, and has thus become one of the most recognizable character in the DC Universe as a whole.



4. JUDGE DEATH ("2000 A.D.")

The arch-nemesis of Judge Dredd and leader of the Dark Judges, Judge Death is the embodiment of death itself. Coming from an alternate dimension called Deadworld, Judge Death dispenses justice like no one else: he reasons that since only the living commit crimes, life itself is a crime...hence all life must perish. After crossing dimensions and running into Dredd, Judge Death has gone on numerous massacres, had his body destroyed, and returned time and time again to wreck more havoc for the denizens of Mega City One. His body is indestructible, since he mostly inhabits the dead, rotting husks of the deceased...and just like a number of the previous entries on this list, he always comes back. Judge Death is unadulterated evil, and one of the most iconic villains in comics.



3. THE SCARECROW ("Batman" - DC)

One of Batman's most iconic villains, Dr. Jonathan Crane, aka The Scarecrow, is also one of his most terrifying. Besides his scarier than shit costumes and looks through the years, what sets Scarecrow apart is his use of his patented fear toxin, which can infest and cause its victims to hallucinate and experience their deepest fears, sometimes to the point of death. Depending on the artist, Scarecrow's appearance can range from kinda corny to flat out so scary you shit yourself, particularly his appearance in the 2009 "Batman: Arkham Asylum" video game. While it's rare that the character gets the justice done to him in terms of usage in Batman's rogues gallery, there's no denying his place as one of the most iconic horrifying villains around.



2. THE GOVERNOR ("The Walking Dead" - Image)

Forget anything and everything you know about The Governor if your only exposure to him was the TV show adaptation of "The Walking Dead". That take on the character was presented in a much more sympathetic, and slightly less psychotic, way than he ever was in comic book form. The first true "big bad" encountered by Rick Grimes and his crew of survivors, The Governor is the brutal and insane leader of Woodbury, who initially comes off as a charismatic and strong-willed leader...until it's revealed just how much of a sick fuck he truly is. Joyfully raping and torturing anyone that crosses his path, with a room full of fish tanks containing the severed heads of the undead, and keeping his zombified daughter/niece (don't ask, his origin is a bit...weird, thanks comic books and novel tie-in) on a chain; The Governor will do anything it takes to get what he wants, and his manipulation of his followers makes him even more of a terrifying threat.



1. THE JOKER ("Batman" - DC)

You didn't really think it'd be anyone else did you? No matter what iteration of the Joker we talk about, he's scary as fuck. Whether it's because you may have a fear of clowns or just that creepy fucking smile, there's always been something just a tad unsettling about the character, even in his most light-hearted of versions. At his worst, Joker is a psychopathic murderer that is obsessed with his arch-nemesis Batman, and does everything he possibly can to bring out the worst in the Caped Crusader, whether it be from murdering innocent people, bringing Gotham City to its knees, or striking close to home by going after those close to Batman. The psychotic laughs, the Joker-gas, the fact that Joker may be either totally insane or perhaps have a form of "super-sanity" (thanks Grant Morrison) all amounts to the Joker being the most terrifying villain in all of comic books. I could go on and on about him, but it wouldn't be anything that any of you don't already know as it is.



Well, that's my top 10 horrifying comic book villains. What'd you think? Agree? Hate my guts? Either way, hope you got some enjoyment out of it...and if you didn't, I'll kill you.

Top 10 Horror Comics of All Time

Horror and comic books go hand in hand. From the early days of EC Comics to the modern titles published by lines like Vertigo and Dark Horse, horror comics come only second to superheroes in terms of what has had the most impact on the comic medium since its inception. Of course, for this fucking guy, horror comics are a way of fucking life. What are the best ones though? The ones that make your skin crawl? The ones that manage to stay with you long after you view the final panels of what you're reading? Well, here we go again.

I want to state first and foremost that this list I shit out here for your reading enjoyment does not include any of the classic EC titles or other horror comics from that classic era. So no, there's no "Tales from the Crypt", "Vault of Horror", "Creepy", "Eerie", or any of their contemporaries. The reason I didn't include them is because they are all anthology titles. Now don't get me wrong; they're all fucking great and have their place in history, but I couldn't include them here because ranking them in terms of what's better than another is fucking impossible. So instead, I'm focusing here on titles that were ongoing storylines.

Some titles didn't make the cut, like any of the Dylan Dog tales, Mike Carey's "Lucifer", or Jason Aaron's spectacular run on "Ghost Rider" from a few years back. I also debated putting "Spawn" somewhere on this list, but upon going back and re-reading the first run of issues, I realized that it honestly wasn't that good to begin with. Keeping all that in mind, I'm anticipating another lynch mob at the gates for my ass, so I'm just gonna say fuck it and dive into this balls deep and without protection...the way a real man does it. So here's my top 10 horror comics to scare the holy living fucking shit straight outta your ass. I apologize for nothing.



10. FROM HELL
Writer: Alan Moore
Artist: Eddie Campbell

Chances are you know this one relatively well. "From Hell" was originally serialized from the late 80s to the early 90s before finding mass success as a collected edition and inspiring a half decent movie starring Johnny Depp in 2001. "From Hell" is Alan Moore's take on the Jack the Ripper murders being a mass conspiracy driven by the royal family. Loaded with many themes that often re-appear throughout Moore's work (and this will not be the only entry on this list to come from the man) as well as musings of the metaphysical and featuring stark artwork from Eddie Campbell, "From Hell" is a dense read, but worth checking out regardless. The story itself isn't filled with scares or even too much suspense, but the fact that this is based on the actual murders and uses nearly every fact associated with each case to its advantage is what helps make it as haunting as it is.



9. TOMB OF DRACULA
Writer: various
Artist: Gene Colan

In the early 70s, the Comics Code started chilling out a bit in terms of restricted content of horror and supernatural material appearing in comic books, so Marvel birthed this fan favorite in 1972. Featuring a revolving door of writers (including Gerry Conway, Arthur Goodwin, and Gardner Fox) until Marv Wolfman (Teen Titans, Crisis on Infinite Earths) finally settled in full time, "Tomb of Dracula" mostly followed the exploits of Frank Drake: a descendant of Dracula who teams with a group of vampire hunters to take on the evil vampire master himself in the modern day. When Wolfman finally settled into the title and began steering it in the right direction, "Tomb of Dracula" became a total blasts. It ran for 70 issues and was always drawn by the late, great Gene Colan with covers by the great Gil Kane. This series is also notable for introducing the vampire hunter Blade, who was very far from being the half-breed daywalker that was popularized by the Wesley Snipes movies.



8. 30 DAYS OF NIGHT
Writer: Steve Niles
Artist: Ben Templesmith

Before it spawned a horde of sequels and spin-offs and inspired a surprisingly good big screen film adaptation (and a shitty direct to DVD sequel), the original "30 Days of Night" was originally pitched as a film itself, and wasn't received well. Instead it was released as a 3-issue mini-series from IDW, and put both Niles and Templesmith on the map in the comic book world. It's an ingenious plot, as a group of vampires descend upon a sleepy Alaskan town during a part of winter where there's no sun for 30 days. It's a survival tale as the remaining residents of the town contend with the vamps, made all the better with the wonderful, visceral artwork of Ben Templesmith.



7. BLACK HOLE
Writer & Artist: Charles Burns

A 12-issue mini-series published sporadically over a decade, Charles Burns' "Black Hole" takes place in 1970s Seattle, revolving around a group of teenagers afflicted with a sexually transmitted disease that causes severely grotesque mutations. Thus becoming social outcasts, we see their respective fates as illustrated by Burns' beautiful black & white artwork that often borderlines realism and surreal horror. Loaded with metaphor and symbolism, "Black Hole" is a true work of art, and it will stay with you long after you finish it.



6. THE WALKING DEAD
Writer: Robert Kirkman
Artist: Tony Moore (1-6), Charlie Adlard (7-current)

Before it was a hit show that spawned hordes of video games, merchandise, and an upcoming spin-off, "The Walking Dead" was a simple comic book about survival in a zombie-infested world that draws heavily on the works of George Romero. It mostly revolves around cop Rick Grimes, who awakens from a coma to find that the world he knew is gone and overrun with the undead. Eventually he finds his wife and son, and from that point forward we begin to learn that the worst part about trying to survive in this new world isn't the zombies, it's the survivors and what the world around them has turned them into. Granted I personally feel that the series has overstayed its welcome (it has been going strong since 2003 without missing a beat), that doesn't negate from the fact that "The Walking Dead" has left its mark as the best zombie-based comic series ever.



5. HELLBOY
Writer & Artist: Mike Mignola (and sometimes various others)

He's the world's greatest paranormal investigator...and he's a demon summoned from Hell that has a gruff sense of humor. Mike Mignola's various series starring the titular character combine gothic, Lovecraft-ian horror elements with pulp and dry humor; which combined has always made anything starring Hellboy such a total blast. Not to mention that Mignola's artwork has become so iconic in terms of his style and character designs that it often proves difficult to look at "Hellboy" art not drawn by the man...there's just no comparison.



4. SAGA OF THE SWAMP THING
Writer: Alan Moore
Artist: John Totleben (mostly)

One of the most revered works by Alan Moore, "Saga of the Swamp Thing" sees Moore totally revamp the DC Comics character. Given nearly total free reign (in the beginning anyway), Moore re-tools Swamp Thing's origin, making him more beast than man, and adding a whole new mythology to the character that would continue to be kept (mostly) as canon. The Parliament of Trees, the Green, and even John fucking Constantine would be introduced during Moore's prolific run, which combined existentialism and outright horror to beautiful effect. No take on the character to come in the years since has had the impact that Moore's has had, and it will probably never be topped either.



3. PREACHER
Writer: Garth Ennis
Artist: Steve Dillon

There isn't much I can say about "Preacher" that hasn't been said plenty of times. One of the Vertigo line's most famous ongoing series to ever be featured on the imprint, "Preacher" is the perfect mix of hardcore horror, pitch black humor, and a handful of some of the best and well-developed characters to ever be seen in comic books. Jesse Custer is a Texan preacher with a very shady background who, along with his gun-toting girlfriend Tulip and Irish vampire Cassidy, travel all across America in an effort to search for God. No, not in a spiritual sense: God has abandoned the throne out of fear and gone into hiding, and Jesse (inhabited by the offspring of an angel and a demon) is on a mission to find him and get some answers. I could talk about "Preacher" for hours on end. It's perfect and was one of the comics that got me back into comics when I was older. Check it out and thank me later.



2. HELLBLAZER
Various writers & artists

Alan Moore created John Constantine, and in the late 80s he got his own ongoing series. The chain-smoking master of bad luck black magic, "Hellblazer" stars Constantine and doesn't always present him in the most flattering of ways. In fact, he's kind of a dick. That being said, he does the right thing when he has to, even if he has to use his friends and loved ones as pawns in his schemes and struggles with evil. Jamie Delano was the initial writer of the series, and gave Constantine much of his backstory as well. Future writers to tackle the character into even greater effect included Garth Ennis, Paul Jenkins, Brian Azzarello, Warren Ellis, Andy Diggle and Mike Carey among others, with artists including Steve Dillon, Sean Phillips, David Lloyd, and the legendary Richard Corben as well. Running for 300 issues before coming to its conclusion in 2013, "Hellblazer" was Vertigo's longest running flagship title, and is one of the most revered comic book series' of all time.



1. THE SANDMAN
Writer: Neil Gaiman
Artist: Various

You didn't think it'd be anything else did you? Neil Gaiman's seminal "The Sandman" is regarded as being one of the best comic books, well, ever...and for good reason too. The story of "The Sandman" revolves around Dream of The Endless, also known as Morpheus, and his interactions with the denizens of the spiritual world, and the physical world as well. There's much more to the story than that of course, but to be perfectly honest, I myself have never actually read "The Sandman" in its entirety. Not because I haven't wanted to, I've just never been given the opportunity to. What I have read however, trust me...all I can say is that one day I hope to finally get the chance. Throughout its run, many prominent DC Comics characters would appear, including John Constantine, Etrigan the Demon, and even Martian Manhunter to name a few, but no matter who would get thrown into the mix, "The Sandman" remained satisfying psychological, and occasionally visceral, comic book horror. It spawned spin-offs and even birthed some characters that would go on to prominent appearances outside the main title, most notably being Death, who is represented here as being a super cute and somewhat quirky goth girl. Oh, and if you're like me and slacking on reading the whole thing beginning to end, I recommend checking out the sixth issue (in the first volume "Preludes & Nocturnes"), in which psychotic Justice League villain Doctor Destiny uses his power to make a group of random people in a diner do horrible things to themselves and each other. This alone is one of the absolute best horror stories ever printed in a comic. No bullshit.



Well, that's all for now. So what'd y'all think? Did I forget a bunch? Do you not agree? Am I a piece of shit for never reading "The Sandman" in its entirety? Who cares? If you haven't read any of these, go fucking do it. You're doing yourself a disservice by not at least giving these a look.

TOP 10 TROMA FILMS

Do you like shitty movies? Who doesn't am I right? Well, there's different brands of shitty movies. There's shitty movies that are processed and pumped out at exponential rates all the for the sake of making money like "Transformers" and most other franchises that make up the heart of mainstream American film culture. Then there's shitty movies that are shitty just because well...because the filmmakers behind them just make them for the sake of getting their names out there and move on to bigger and better things, much like many of the future hall of fame directors that worked under Roger Corman decades ago.

Then finally, there's the kind of shit that gets pumped out by Troma Entertainment. Now when I say that Troma makes pure shit, I don't mean that in a negative way. Far from it. Troma Entertainment makes and distributes films that are one hundred percent true to the heart of real independent cinema. They make the kind of films they want to make: politically incorrect, totally irreverent, loaded with tits and obscene amounts of gore, and purposely terrible acting. They make these films because they genuinely love making them. They don't do them for the sake of box office receipts and toy sales and worldwide grosses, they do them because they fucking can.

Founded and still operated by Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz over 40 years ago, Troma Entertainment had a brief run of prominence as a mainstream American movie studio back in the day, before shifting to the direct to video market and independent film circuit. They continue to produce and distribute films to this very day, and have recently revisited some of their old franchise properties for new generations. When I was a young, would-be perverted cinema snob (no, not THAT Cinema Snob), I would catch the "Toxic Avenger" movies and "Class of Nuke Em High" flicks on Cinemax late at night hoping to see boobs. I did see boobs, a lot of boobs...along with melting body parts and a kid getting his head crushed by a car wheel.

Yep...that's Troma...and goddammit, I love them so fucking much. So, I made a list of my Top 10 Troma Movies. This was a moderately hard list to come up with, yet nowhere near as difficult as coming up with the Pre-1960s Horror List I came up with last time around. There were a handful of films that didn't make the cut here, including "Bloodsucking Freaks", "Rabid Grannies", "Surf Nazis Must Die", "Graduation Day", and "Monster in the Closet" among others. "Troma's War", they're big budget attempt at war satire that nearly bankrupted the studio, has not aged well at all and came nowhere near making this list, but I watched it again because why the fuck not?

Anyway, here we are. Bring your barf bags...and possibly lotion.



10. SGT. KABUKIMAN N.Y.P.D. (1990)

Not nearly as beloved as many of the films featured on this list, "Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD" is a glorious clusterfuck of a film. Allegedly conceived while Kaufman and Herz were in Japan, the duo was approached by Namco (the video game company) to create a Japanese-inspired superhero. They even threw a decent amount of money towards Troma to make it happen. Needless to say, Namco was more interested in a family-friendly creation, and the Troma guys were more interested in...well, making it a fucking Troma movie. The end result is an often uneven but still plenty entertaining, even if it manages to all but fall apart by the time the end credits roll.



9. COMBAT SHOCK (1986)

One of the very few films on this list not directed by Lloyd Kaufman (instead by novelist Buddy Giovinazzo, who also wrote the script), "Combat Shock" is far from typical Troma fare. It tells a tale of urban degradation through the eyes of a Vietnam vet living in a squalid New York City with his pregnant wife and deformed, mutant baby. The film is unflinching in its violence and portrayal of mental decay. Granted it often walks that line between being unintentionally funny and full on heartfelt, "Combat Shock" packs a punch, especially at its conclusion. "Taxi Driver" it isn't, but it's still worth seeing for those with strong stomachs.



8. MOTHER'S DAY (1980)

An exploitation film in its truest form, the original "Mother's Day" is something that is an acquired taste to say the least. Three female friends out on a camping trip run afoul of a couple deranged hillbillies, and their even more insane mother. Terrible things happen, to everyone involved. That pretty much sums up "Mother's Day" in a nutshell. What it lacks in technical prowess it makes up for in pure ferocity, and there's some scenes that you'll never forget. This actually received a half decent remake a few years back too.



7. CANNIBAL THE MUSICAL (1993)

I can't say enough about the love I have for this movie. Before they created "South Park", Trey Parker and Matt Stone crafted this gory musical based on the real life cannibal event of Alfred Packer. Well, loosely based. Parker plays Packer (I just re-read that after I typed it and I absolutely love it, say it out loud), who recounts his story of what happened on those fateful days. There's lots of blood, eating body parts, and wonderful musical numbers that were only the beginning of the duo's amazing work to come in the following years with "South Park" and "The Book of Mormon". It sat on the shelf until 1996 when Troma acquired it and distributed it, making it an instant cult classic. It still holds up today and is fucking hilarious.



6. TERROR FIRMER (1999)

This movie is fucking crazy. I can't put it into any other words, it's just fucking insane. A low budget film crew trying to make the ultimate piece of B-movie "art" is stalked and terrorized by a sexually confused serial killer. There's love triangles, orgies, Ron Jeremy in a cage with mutilated genitalia, and cameos and small roles from Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Lemmy from Motorhead, Eli Roth, and that funny crazy broad from "Reno 911". Co-authored by future "Guardians of the Galaxy" director James Gunn, "Terror Firmer" is a blast. It often crosses lines, but sweet fucking Christ, that's what makes it so damn enjoyable.



5. POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD (2006)

This movie is disgusting. I can't put it into much more words than that. It's also a totally fucking hilarious musical with exploding genitals and plenty of offensiveness...and zombies...and sex with food. With all that sickening material, "Poultrygeist" actually manages to pack a little bit of social commentary into it involving the fast food industry and ultra liberalism. Of the modern Troma movies, this is one of the finest...and most gross.



4. TROMEO & JULIET (1996)

Co-written by James Gunn, "Tromeo & Juliet" is regarded as one of Troma's best films...and also one of their filthiest, nastiest, and most hilarious. A modern day, Troma-tized (see what I did there? I'm putting that English degree to good use) take on Romeo & Juliet, this focuses on the warring families of the Capulets and the Ques, and star-crossed lovers Tromeo and Juliet. There's plenty of disgusting material, boobs, blood, and incest: all of which helps make "Tromeo & Juliet" one of the most well-regarded Troma films, not just among die hard fans, but even among mainstream media. The film received a surprising amount of attention and recognition, helped pave the way for James Gunn to have Hollywood success, and boasts a kick ass soundtrack to boot.



3. FATHER'S DAY (2011)

Crafted by the awesome crew of Astron-6, "Father's Day" is a tour-de-force of insanely violent absurdity. A serial rapist/murderer/cannibal named Fuchman is on a rampage, and the only man that can stop him is a one-eyed ass-kicked named Ahab whose own father was slaughtered years prior. It's gross, funnier than hell, boasts the best cameo/small role that Lloyd Kaufman has ever done, and without a doubt one of the absolute best modern day exploitation movies ever made. In fact, you guys should check out everything that Astron-6 has done over the years. Look the m up and thank me later.



2. CLASS OF NUKE 'EM HIGH (1986)

Tromaville High School sits next to a nuclear power plant. Nothing can go wrong right? Smoking some radioactive marijuana leads high school couple Warren and Chrissy into having strange hallucinations, followed by grotesque mutations, leading to a showdown with the deranged gang called the Cretins. Probably one of Troma's most well known movies, "Class of Nuke 'Em High" is tons of fun and almost endlessly enjoyable. The film was followed by two shitty sequels, along with a Kaufman-helmed fourth installment that came out in 2013. This was one of the first Troma movies I ever saw in my youth, thanks Cinemax.



1. THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984)

You didn't think it'd be anything else did you? "The Toxic Avenger" isn't just Troma's flagship film and franchise, it was what put Troma on the map. Most know the story: a geeky janitor gets bullied by a bunch of asshole jocks, culminating in him getting drenched in toxic waste and mutating into the disfigured superhero known as Toxie (even though he's not called Toxie in this film). Super violent for its time (including the infamous scene of a hit and run involving a kid getting his head crushed), "The Toxic Avenger" is everything that defines Troma as an independent studio: filmmakers doing whatever the fuck they want and making the kind of movie they want to make with no punches pulled. The film would spawn three sequels, merchandise, and even an animated series aimed at kids in the early 90s (and yes, it was terrible...although I had my share of action figures from the show). Over 30 years later, the film remains iconic, and its legacy remains unchallenged by anything else from the studio to go and come in the years that followed.



Does any of this sound remotely entertaining to you in the least? If so, you should check these films out and anything else to come from Troma. You'll find some pure shit without a doubt, but that's part of the charm about Troma...you're sure to enjoy yourself one way or the other. If none of this sounds entertaining to you in the least...well, I guess stick with the mainstream everyday bullshit instead. At least that's safe for consumption...Troma definitely isn't.

The Top 10 Pre-1960s Horror Movies

The horror genre in film has been around practically as long as film itself has existed. Since the silent film era, the horror film has been a mainstay, with the period of the mid-1920s to right before 1960 marking the era of somewhat "classy" horror. I call it classy because a number of horror films from this era made huge bank (for their time), were surefire box office draws, and usually featured headliners such as Boris Karloff, Bela Lugosi, Lon Chaney, Vincent Price, Christopher Lee, and Peter Cushing among others. This was when the horror genre seemingly wasn't looked at with as much disdain as it would be in the near future, which kind of marks this era for horror fans as golden age.

So I've managed to compile a list of what I consider the ten best horror films from this pre-1960 era. I know that many purists certainly won't agree with this, and this was terribly difficult to put together considering what all I left off of here. Classic films that didn't make the cut included "The Wolfman", "House on Haunted Hill", "The Mummy", "Frankenstein", "White Zombie", "Invasion of the Body Snatchers", and "Freaks". I also originally intended on including "King Kong" and "Gojira" (aka "Godzilla") on this list, but upon further examination, I decided against it because both of those films are more towards the adventure genre than horror.

Anyway, let's get on with the list. Try not to lynch me after please.



10. THE OLD DARK HOUSE (1932)
Director: James Whale
Starring: Boris Karloff, Charles Laughton, Gloria Stuart

Helmed by the man that brought "Frankenstein" to the big screen, "The Old Dark House" is one of the most terribly underrated films of the era. The story revolves around a group of Welsh travellers seeking shelter during a violent rainstorm, and are taken in by the Femm family in their expansive mansion. It doesn't take too long to figure that there is something seriously wrong with the Femm's, as well as with their mute manservant Morgan (Karloff, who proves here he can be scary and tragic without the Frankenstein monster make up) in particular. Spooky, claustrophobic, and loaded with wonderful atmosphere, "The Old Dark House" is a hidden gem of the era that deserves your attention.



9. THE BLOB (1958)
Director: Irvin S. Yeaworth Jr.
Starring: Steve McQueen, Aneta Corsaut, Earl Rowe

What's the first thing you hear during this film's opening credits? That theme song. That wonderfully hysterical, fucking, theme song. I swear it's a thing of beauty. Anyway, "The Blob" is memorable for a lot of reasons, and not just because Steve fucking McQueen was 27 years old and playing a teenager, but because it's a super enjoyable creature-feature that featured some special effects that were ahead of its time. "The Blob" also has a special place in my heart because it was filmed in Phoenixville, PA. I was born there, and though I didn't live in that exact same area before I departed for Philadelphia years later, for years all I would hear from various neighbors, etc. was that "they made that Blob movie here in the 50s. Steve McQueen was here before he got famous". Call it for the sake of...well, call it whatever you want. I enjoy "The Blob" regardless. Not to mention I enjoy going to the Colonial in Phoenixville every summer for BlobFest. How many movies from this era can say that they inspired an annual celebration/festival in its name?



8. THE THING FROM ANOTHER WORLD (1951)
Director: Howard Hawks (uncredited), Christian Nyby
Starring: James Arness, Kenneth Tobey, Margaret Sheridan

I could talk about this film and everything associated with it for hours. Based on the short story "Who Goes There?", "The Thing From Another World" revolves around a United States Air Force crew along with some scientists in the Arctic that recover a flying saucer and its frozen pilot that have crash landed into the ice. Once dug up and thawed out, the alien being begins wreacking havoc, and the body count rises. Suspenseful and thoroughly entertaining throughout, "The Thing From Another World" isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination (with a few noticable continuity errors peppered throughout the production), but for its time it has plenty of heart and imagination. This was one of the earliest horror films I ever saw in my youth, so it has a special place in my heart. That, along with its 1982 remake from John Carpenter, which is a classic in its own right, and one of those rare cases where the remake is better than the original.



7. THE ISLAND OF LOST SOULS (1932)
Director: Erle C. Kenton
Starring: Charles Laughton, Richard Arlen, Bela Lugosi

One of the most criminally underrated films of its era, "The Island of Lost Souls" has, in the decades since its release, been reclassified as a classic of the genre. The first film adaptation of H.G. Wells' "The Island of Dr. Moreau", this take on his work wasn't looked upon too well by Wells, critics, or audiences, mostly due to the fact that much of Wells' philosophical musings were overshadowed by the surprisingly visceral horror elements. That aside, "The Island of Lost Souls" is a true piece of art. The makeup effects are good for their time, and the cast is brilliant, in particular genre veteran Charles Laughton as the manical Doctor. The film was released on Blu-ray and DVD from Criterion a year or two ago, which in itself pretty much helps solidify its status as a classic of the genre.



6. HORROR OF DRACULA (1958)
Director: Terrence Fisher
Starring: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Michael Gough

Known just as "Dracula" everywhere else except for the United States, "Horror of Dracula" is the first of the Dracula series from Hammer Films. The legendary British horror studio that churned out numerous beloved genre films for decades, this film took Bram Stoker's novel and ran with it. It's barely faithful to the novel in all honesty, but its gothic atmosphere, beautiful set design, and the perfect casting of genre heavyweights Christopher Lee as Dracula and Peter Cushing as Van Helsing is the icing on the cake. Lee would play Dracula many more times throughout his career, becoming almost as iconic in the role as...well, someone we'll get to later. Anyway, "Horror of Dracula" is my personal favorite Dracula movie, and no I'm not just saying that because this was the first Dracula film to show blood and tits in full color glory.



5. THE CABINET OF DR. CALIGARI (1920)
Director: Robert Wiene
Starring: Conrad Veidt, Werner Krauss, Lil Dagover

One of two films that symbolize German expressionism at its finest (we'll get to the other one soon enough), "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" is a thing of beauty. Dr. Caligari is a mad hypnotist that uses a man to commit brutal murders. There's much more to the story than that, but revealing more would be doing a disservice. Bold, brilliant, and with one of the very first uses of the "twist ending" in cinema history, "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari" isn't just one of the finest silent horror films ever, it's one of the greatest silent films ever, period. It's also public domain, meaning you have no reason not to see it.



4. HOUSE OF WAX (1953)
Director: Andre de Toth
Starring: Vincent Price, Frank Lovejoy, Charles Bronson

The first color 3D film to be seen nationwide, the classic "House of Wax" sees horror icon Vincent Price at his best. A remake of a 1933 film, "House of Wax" revolves around a talented wax sculptor with some super shady secrets. Chances are you already know without possibly ever actually having seen the film...that's how much of an impact this has had on the horror genre and film in general overall. Price is wonderful; managing to switch from charming and suave to totally fucking creepy with the flick of a switch.



3. NOSFERATU (1922)
Director: F.W. Murnau
Starring: Max Schreck, Gustav von Wangenheim, Greta Schroder

Remember what I said earlier about German expressionism when talking about "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari"? All of that applies to "Nosferatu". When the rights to make an adaptation of "Dracula" couldn't be secured, director F.W. Murnau decided to make an "unauthorized" adaptation of Bram Stoker's novel. Stoker's family sued, and every copy of the film was ordered to be destroyed, yet somehow one print of the film survived. I'm totally serious about that. Read up on the history of the film, you'll shit yourself in astonishment. Anyway, "Nosferatu" follows a lot of the same plot points that "Dracula" laid out, but it's the gorgeous cinematography and the foreboding atmosphere that really make it the classic that it is. To this day, almost a full century later, "Nosferatu" is still haunting.



2. BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN (1935)
Director: James Whale
Starring: Boris Karloff, Colin Clive, Elsa Lanchester

This was difficult. It was almost a toss up between "Bride of Frankenstein" and its 1931 predecessor "Frankenstein", but for me, the sequel wins out. Picking up where the first film left off, The Monster demands his creator to make him a bride. Eventually Doctor Frankenstein complies, and things don't end up going well for anyone really. While it has its share of camp compared to the first film, "Bride of Frankenstein" has much more subtext in terms of being a religious allegory (and not in a positive light), something that was a no-no in this era of Hollywood. Ballsy and ahead of its time, "Bride of Frankenstein" is one of the best films of the classic Universal Monsters lineup...but there's one film from that family that manages to outshine it just a bit...



1. DRACULA (1931)
Director: Tod Browing
Starring: Bela Lugosi, Helen Chandler, David Manners

What can I really say about "Dracula" that hasn't been said about a million fucking times already? Not much honestly. Out of all the classic Universal Monsters films from this era, and the horror films of this era in general, none have had the long-standing impact that "Dracula" has. What makes me say that? Just think about Count fucking Dracula right now. Think about him in your head. What does he look like? Does he look like Christopher Lee? Or Frank Langella? Or Gary Oldman? No, no, and fuck no. When you think of Dracula, you think of Bela Lugosi. It's the classic look that became forever associated with Bram Stoker's character. Those eyes. That voice. The hypnotic performance that Lugosi gives. There hasn't been an iconic performance of Dracula, and perhaps any other movie monster, in all of film history. Boris "Frankenstein" Karloff comes close, but it's Lugosi that makes "Dracula" as memorable as it is. Sure, Tod Browning's direction and the overall atmosphere help make it as epic as it is, but again, it all comes back to Lugosi. All of that combined helps make "Dracula" the best film of this era.


So that's my top 10 horror films pre-1960. Agree? Disagree? Have little to no idea what the fuck I'm talking about? That's okay, some of you may be wondering if I know what the fuck I'm talking about. Regardless, you should check out these films if you've never caught them before. You'll be glad that you did.

I'm About to Make You Feel Old

Look at that fucking guy right there. He looks like shit right? The thinning hair, the graying beard, the inbred genes finally rearing their ugly head. Poor old bastard.
So, you ready to feel old as shit?
Last time I talked about how it's the 20th anniversary of NHL 94, and I got nostalgic...so anyway...
It's 2014. This year I will hit the big 3-0 (no I'm not exactly looking forward to it) and it kind of terrifies me. It's not getting to 30 in itself (that alone is just plain surprising, and anyone who has known me well enough through the years will attest to that) that terrifies me per se, but the fact that so much which I hold in high regard, whether it be music, film, or whatever, is now older than I realized...so old now that it makes my head hurt.

Anyway, here's a list of shit hitting some unreal ages, so strap yourselves in folks:



Albums "Superunknown" by Soundgarden, "Jar of Flies" by Alice in Chains, "Far Beyond Driven" by Pantera, "Dookie" by Green Day, "The Downward Spiral" by Nine Inch Nails, "Point Blank" by Nailbomb, "This Toilet Earth" by Gwar, "Smash" by Offspring, "Throwing Copper" by Live, "Live Through This" by Hole, "Purple" by Stone Temple Pilots, "Voodoo Lounge" by the Rolling Stones, "Portrait of an American Family" by Marilyn Manson, "Burn My Eyes" by Machine Head, "Divine Intervention" by Slayer, "Youthanasia" by Megadeth, "Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam and the major label debuts from Weezer, Bush, and Korn were all released in 1994...they're all 20 years old.

April 5th marks the 20 year anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death.

The original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is 40 years old, released in 1974.

Next year, "Jaws" will also turn 40.

"Tales from the Crypt" went off the air nearly 18 years ago in 1996.

The Nintendo GameBoy is 25 years old this year, released in 1989.

This year marks the 15th anniversary of the release of the Sega Dreamcast, as well as the first 3-D Sonic the Hedgehog-starring game, "Sonic Adventure".

The original "The Matrix" was released 15 years ago in 1999. So was Kevin Smith's "Dogma" and the classic "Fight Club".

"The Terminator" and "Ghostbusters" were released 30 years ago in 1984.

The original "Transformers" animated series and toyline debuted in North America 30 years ago
as well.

Image Comics, home to "Spawn", "Savage Dragon", "Witchblade", "The Walking Dead", and more, was founded 22 years ago in 1992.

"The Walking Dead" comic series has been running for 11 years, starting in 2003.

"Robot Chicken" first aired almost ten years ago, starting in 2005.

The original Universal Monster films, ("Dracula", "Frankenstein", and "The Mummy") are either over, or approaching, 80 years old.

Hulk Hogan left the WWF to sign with WCW in the summer of 1994.

The New York Rangers won their first Stanley Cup in 54 years in 1994.

In September 1994, Major League Baseball players went on a strike that cancelled the World Series.



So yeah...feel old yet?

New Year's Resolutions I Probably Won't Keep

That Mayan Apocalypse sure was some wild shit wasn't it? The hellfire and brimstone raining down from the sky, the dead rising up and consuming the flesh of the living, mass suicides, and all the other crazy bullshit that happened. Could you believe it?

Oh wait, what? None of that shit happened? Did I hallucinate all that?

Yeah, I did. You really shouldn't do whippets when you're well into your late 20s.

Anyway, it's another Christmas that has come and gone, and now we approach the end of the year. So long 2012, hello 2013. In that regard, I just want to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's. That being said, what's the one thing that always comes with the New Year, other than a night of getting absolutely shit-faced and regrettably fucking your best friend's mother? Broken New Year's Resolutions, that's what. So here folks is my own personal list of New Year's Resolutions that I may try to keep, and that I probably won't.



That I will no longer post pictures of my penis all over the internet in the sad hope that someone will find it attractive.

That I will stop playing shitty NES and Genesis games for the first time in over 20 years.

That this Halloween, my first without old Paul, I'll make it the best tribute to him that I could ever hope to do.

That I'll go to see "Man of Steel" and not get pissed off enough to start launching projectiles at the screen.

That I'll pull out more often.

That one day I'll pick the guitar back up.

That I'll go back to writing.

That I'll finally get tatted after years of wavering about what I want to get and where exactly I wanna get it on my body.

That this will be four years without drugs.

That I'll take one more step to making my dreams come true.

That I won't do 180 degree head turns every time a chick with a nice ass walks the opposite direction.




That's all for now folks. See all y'all next year!

It's the End of the World (Again). Here's Your "Fuck It List" of Shit to Do Before You Burn

Ah yes folks, it's that time of year again. No, not Christmas, but the end of the world. However, unlike all the other failed doomsday prophecies, the end of the world on 12/21/2012 has some hype behind it. Namely the fact that it's the end of the Mayan calandar, which supposedly has some bearing as to when the world will officially end. Unlike the last few times when it was all "rapture" this and "second coming" that, this doomsday scenario has been talked about quite a bit over the years, and was even the subject of a John Cusack-starring flick from the director of "Independence Day"...and if there's any true source of credibility, it's from the director of "Independence Day".

We've heard it all before: fire & brimstone, the dead rising from the grave, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Regardless of how exactly the world ends: Jesus comes down, zombies take over the planet, the whole fucking thing blows up, etc., it's times like this that you have to wonder what you would do in your final hours...and this my friends is a handy guide as to how you should spend your last hours on Earth, which I like to call the "Fuck It List". The first thought that may pop up in your head is "I want to spend them with my friends, family, and loved ones", which is all well in good for most of you, but for the rest of you degenerates (myself included), this is what you should do...so just say fuck it and go balls to the wall...



Eat a whole shitload of cake and ice cream. Why not be gluttonous? Fuck it.

Get absolutely mangled, steal a golf cart, and go for a nice, soothing drive down a freeway in the opposite direction. Fuck it.

Try meth for the first time ever. Or if you're feeling adventurous, try to cook it. If the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" can do it, why can't you? Fuck it.

Drive to Carlos Mencia's house and kick him in the groin repeatedly while wearing steel-toed boots. He deserves it. Fuck it.

Go to the Westboro Baptist Church, firebomb it, and then protest when the fire department comes to put out the flames. Fuck it (and fuck them too).

Go bareback a trannie hooker that only charges 10 bucks for a half and half. Fuck it.

Act like you're robbing bank, but right in the middle of it, strip bare ass naked and start singing "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. Fuck it.

Don't feel the need to hide the fact that you're masturbating in public and crawl out of the bush you're hidden behind on your hot neighbor's lawn. Fuck it.

Tell your ex-girlfriend you have AIDS. Fuck it.

Bang your best friend's mom after all the years of dreaming about it. Or at least try to. Fuck it.

Walk into a Home Depot or Lowes and take a shit in one of the display toilets, Jackass style. Fuck it.

Kick a gorilla in the balls. Fuck it.

Watch "The Hobbit" and try not to fall asleep. Fuck it.

Tell everyone you thought "Avengers" sucked. Fuck it.

Steal a police car, a badge, and a uniform. Pull random people over...and give full cavity searches. Fuck it.



Well now, there aren't many days left until the end of times, so stop reading this and get your asses out there. Remember folks, if you can't help the fact that you're going out kicking and screaming, at least go out with style and with a bang. After all, what's the harm in having a little fun before ya kick the bucket right? Fuck it.





Let it be known that this "Fuck It List" is meant to be a parody only. Please only take it as seriously as you take the notion of the world coming to an end on 12/21. And please, when you bareback that trannie hooker, make him/her call you Big John Studd.

Good night and good luck.

Top 10 Favorite Games by Console

A while back I did a few countdown lists for my Top 10 Underrated Video Game Gems across the five video game systems that have meant the most to me throughout my life. In retrospect I'm now going to list my Top 10 favorite games for each of those five consoles. I'm not going into too much depth here like I did the last time around, instead I'll just be giving a basic rundown of my top 10 favorites. Some purists among you may argue over the games I picked over others, but these are my favorite games I played on these awesome consoles, so if you don't like it, kiss my Irish ass.

Anyway, let's begin folks:



NES:

1. Contra
2. Super Mario Bros. 3
3. Ninja Gaiden
4. Blades of Steel
5. Castlevania
6. The Legend of Zelda
7. Baseball Stars
8. Metroid
9. Battletoads
10. Mega Man 2



GENESIS:

1. Gunstar Heroes
2. Sonic the Hedgehog 2
3. NHL 94
4. Phantasy Star IV
5. Contra: Hard Corps
6. Streets of Rage 2
7. Comix Zone
8. Castlevania: Bloodlines
9. Zombies Ate My Neighbors
10. Street Fighter II: Special Champion Edition



SUPER NES:

1. Super Mario World
2. Super Metroid
3. Super Castlevania IV
4. Star Fox
5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time
6. Super Mario Kart
7. Tetris Attack
8. Yoshi's Island
9. Donkey Kong Country
10. Super Mario RPG



PLAYSTATION:

1. Final Fantasy VII
2. Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
3. Metal Gear Solid
4. Crash Bandicoot 2
5. Tekken 3
6. Resident Evil 2
7. Twisted Metal 2
8. Gran Turismo
9. Grand Theft Auto
10. Warhawk



DREAMCAST:

1. Marvel VS Capcom 2
2. Soul Calibur
3. Jet Grind Radio
4. Shenmue
5. Resident Evil: Code Veronica
6. Sonic Adventure 2
7. Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2
8. House of the Dead 2
9. Crazy Taxi
10. Skies of Arcadia




That's all for now folks, maybe one day I'll do a collection of what I consider the worst games on all those platforms...maybe.

10 Overlooked and Underrated Gems Part 5: The Sega Dreamcast

As I conclude my Top 10 underrated and overlooked video game gems for the 5 consoles that have had the most impact for me personally, here we are at what is quite possibly my all time favorite video game system in the history of fucking ever. Say what you want about it, but I fucking loved the Sega Dreamcast. When it first came out on 9/9/99, it made quite the impression. 128-bit graphics, arcade-perfect games, and a dial-up modem built into it that let you play multiplayer games too. It’s success and lifespan was short-lived, as Sega discontinued it in 2002 and then switched to publishing games across every other system available, but for everyone around at the time, the Dreamcast was (and still is) a beloved little console. It had its share of well-known and smash hit games, like “Sonic Adventure”, “Crazy Taxi”, “Jet Grind Radio”, “Marvel VS Capcom 2”, and “Phantasy Star Online”, but it also had a shitload of titles that were so damn good and so overlooked that it’s a crying shame they didn’t get more press. Seriously, out of all 5 lists I came up with for the other consoles, this was the hardest. That being said, here are my top 10 underrated and overlooked gems for the Dreamcast:




10. CANNON SPIKE (2000)

A multi-directional arcade brawler/shooter from Capcom, “Cannon Spike” features a cast from previous Capcom games (Cammy, Mega Man, Arthur, etc.) all duking and shooting it out with each other for no real reason whatsoever. Not that that matters though, because this game is super fun. It’s simple enough and kind of mindless, but it’s satisfying as all hell, and is only one of a shitload of excellent games that Capcom created for the Dreamcast. It’s also pretty damn rare, and sold for a budget price when originally released, so if you’re prepared to lay down some cash for some serious fun, check this out.




9. CONFIDENTIAL MISSION (2002)

Released at the end of the Dreamcast’s life cycle, “Confidential Mission” is a light-gun shooter based on Sega’s own arcade title of the same name. It shares a lot of similarities with “Virtua Cop” and offers up a great assortment of baddies and boss fights. If it has any flaws to it, it’s that the game is so damn short it isn’t even funny. Three missions, one sitting, that’s it. All that being said, it’s still a blast to play regardless, and features some great technical achievements for being little more than a light gun shooter.




8. OOGA BOOGA (2001)

Another game released at the tail end of the Dreamcast’s life cycle, “Ooga Booga” is one of the more unique games you’re likely to play. A multiplayer combat game where you use items such as shrunken heads and magic spells to take out your opponents, “Ooga Booga” also features a shit load of “masks” to unlock that change your abilities and the like. One of the most fun games to play online, this is a game that was made to be played by you and your friends. Check it out.




7. SWORD OF THE BERSERK: GUTS’ RAGE (2000)

Based on a long running manga, “Sword of the Berserk” Guts’ Rage” is a hack and slasher that puts you in the shoes (and very, very large sword) of Guts, as he comes across a town where a disease is running rampant that is transforming its victims into horrible, blood thirsty mutants. Notable at the time for its graphics and quick-time events (one of the first games that actually had them), “Sword of the Berserk” is a short but oh so sweet action blast that is plenty enjoyable whether you’re familiar with the manga or not. There’s great voice acting and an intriguing story as well, all of which will keep you glued to the screen from beginning to end.




6. TECH ROMANCER (1999)

What’s not to like about giant fucking robots? “Tech Romancer” is a Capcom fighting game featuring giant robotic mechs beating the shit out of each other. Originally an arcade game that received a perfect port to the Dreamcast, “Tech Romancer” features a surprisingly deep fighting engine/system for a game of this type. Though the controls may come off as kind of clunky at first, eventually you get used to the flow and feel of the game, and beating the breaking the shit out of your opponents is so much fun.




5. HEAVY METAL: GEOMATRIX (2002)

Another Capcom-published fighting game, but more of an arena-based brawler/shooter like the aforementioned “Cannon Spike” or Capcom’s hit “Power Stone” games for the Dreamcast. “Heavy Metal: Geomatrix” is based on the long running adult comic magazine of the same name, featuring busty babes and cyborg warriors all shooting the shit out of each other. The game’s art design is wonderfully based off the work of renowned artist Simon Bisley, and features a rollicking metal soundtrack that includes Megadeth, Corrosion of Conformity, Halford, and more besides. It’s fast, fun, and harder than hell, and it’s wholeheartedly worth your time.




4. FATAL FURY: MARK OF THE WOLVES (2001)

SNK’s long running “Fatal Fury” series is beloved the world over, but by the time “Fatal Fury: Mark of the Wolves” came out in North America, it was a Dreamcast exclusive that was ignored because the console was dying out. The real shame in that happens to be that “Mark of the Wolves” is by and far the best game in the franchise, featuring a re-vamped fighting system and a whole new cast of fighters in addition to series stalwart Terry Bogard. The animation is superb and the controls are fluid, and it’s still a crying shame that this game got as ignored as it did back in 2001. Over the years though it’s developed a following thanks to some re-releases on newer consoles as downloadable content, and as such carries a somewhat hefty price tag for video game collectors. That aside though, this is one of the best fighting games on the Dreamcast ever, which is saying a lot considering the Dreamcast had nearly nothing but excellent fighting games.




3. JOJO’S BIZARRE ADVENTURE (1999)

Based on a popular manga, Capcom’s “JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure” is a 2-D brawler where you do little else than kick the shit out of people. That being said, it’s incredibly fun and completely absurd. The first thing you’ll notice is the game’s wonderful art style, which often looks like a cartoon come to life. Also released for the Playstation 1 at the same time, this Dreamcast version didn’t suffer from graphical glitches and constantly long load times. This game is nearly perfect, and these days is a rare find, but rumor has it that a downloadable HD remake is on the way for current consoles, so maybe more gamers will have the chance to enjoy this wonderful piece of art.




2. THE LAST BLADE 2 (2001)

Like the aforementioned “Fatal Fury: Mark of the Wolves”, SNK’s “The Last Blade 2” is a brilliant 2-D fighting game that is revered for being one of the finest 2-D fighting games to ever come out of the development house. It also happens to be the best 2-D fighting game the Dreamcast has to offer right behind “Marvel VS Capcom 2” and “Street Fighter Alpha 3”. Featuring a handful of sword-carrying warriors to choose from, “The Last Blade 2” features wonderful production values and a lovely art setting, making it one of the prettiest 2-D fighters you’ll ever see. While SNK has achieved a lot of fame for their various fighting franchises like “King of Fighters”, “Fatal Fury”, “Samurai Shodown” and all the others, “The Last Blade” games are simply wonderful, and “The Last Blade 2” is by and far a glorious achievement that too many gamers sadly missed out on.




1. DRACONUS: CULT OF THE WYRM (2000)

A third-person hack and slasher, “Draconus: Cult of the Wyrm” is a medieval fantasy on crack. You choose between playing as a warrior and a sorceress, mixing hand to hand combat and magic attacks to take down your enemies. There’s great melee combat to be had and the longer it goes on, the more difficult this fucker gets. By the time you get to the final stages of the game, you’re going to be worn the fuck out, that much I guarantee. When originally released in 2000, “Draconus” received a mixed reaction from critics and gamers alike. Some who played it were mystified and turned off by its difficulty, while others seemed to love it. If anything, the game reminds me of the recent PS3 role-playing/hack n’ slasher “Demon’s Souls”, which was a hard son of a bitch but received universal acclaim. “Draconus” may come off as a poor man’s version of that if you’ve never played it before, but it’s an incredibly fun and well-crafted game that deserves your time and attention.



Well folks, that’s it for now. Hope you enjoyed this round of lists, and hopefully it’ll make you check out some awesome old games you’ve missed out on. Good night bitches.