THE VOID is coming to Netflix. You need to watch it.

One of, if not the, best horror films I've seen all damn year, is coming to Netflix on July 6th. Below is my original review for DEATH & GIGGLES and you need to drop what you're doing on that day and watch the fucking thing.

More often than not, when I hear about a heap of praise being levied on a horror movie at any time from any kind of critics, I tend to approach it with caution. Remember when everyone said "The Babadook" was the greatest thing since sliced bread and it turned out to be the equivalent of a frozen dog turd with sprinkles? Yeah, when it comes to praise, I usually tend to feel the opposite way. That's why when I was going into The Void, I honestly wasn't expecting too much from it, even though I went into it knowing practically nothing about what the film was about. Coming out of it...well, all I can say is that this may in fact be the best horror film I've seen in a long fucking time. This film is equally inventive and unpredictable, and saying it made a lasting impression on me is saying it lightly.

The Void picks up with a small town sheriff named Daniel (Aaron Poole) picking up a disheveled man he finds bloodied and disoriented. Transporting him to a local, understaffed hospital inhabited by his ex (Kathleen Munroe), a veteran surgeon (Twin Peaks vet Kenneth Welsh), and a handful of others; Daniel soon learns that something very sinister is going on when mysterious hooded figures start surrounding the hospital. Things go from bad to worse when bodies start dropping, but that's only a taste of the unrelenting horror that unfolds as the film goes on, and gets legitimately totally fucking shocking.

I really don't want to spoil much more about the plot of The Void, because I really do feel that the less you know about this film going in, the more you'll enjoy it. Granted there are some plot elements that come out of left field, but the end result is a genuine shocker of a film that will leave you with plenty of lasting impressions. Not to mention the fact that this film is loaded with wonderful practical effects work and some ridiculously grotesque sequences that gorehounds will undoubtedly adore. I've often heard people labeling the film as being Lovecraftian and also making comparisons to John Carpenter's The Thing, and I agree with both sentiments wholeheartedly. There is an aura of unpredictability and flat out "what the fuck" moments peppered throughout the film, along a feeling of isolation and hopelessness that are perfectly orchestrated here. I've also heard comparisons to the work of Lucio Fulci quite a bit as well, but I think these are more aimed towards the fact the film's ending shot may be a bit of a head scratcher for some and leave you wondering what the fuck you just watched. Regardless of that, this is a modern day horror film that is truly one of a kind.

I can praise The Void day and night and keep going on, but I won't. This is a film that you flat out need to see right fucking now. I myself may love it more than most, and it goes without saying that The Void isn't a film for everyone or all tastes either, but this is truly an unforgettable achievement in practical effects work and being able to orchestrate an overwhelming sense of dread that most modern horror films couldn't do if they tried. Co-directors Steven Kostanski and Father's Day co-helmer Jeremy Gillespie really crafted something special here, and The Void is something that I'll be happily revisiting for years to come.

35 YEARS OF THE EVIL DEAD

Back in the late 70s, Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, and their merry crew of misfits journeyed into the woods to make a movie that wasn't a porno. The end result was the original Evil Dead, which would have its original premiere in 1981; a ferocious and unrelenting horror film that came out of nowhere and took the world by storm. Unlike most films of its ilk, the original Evil Dead wasn't just a commercial success, but a critical one as well. As we all know, the surprise success of the film led to a whole franchise being born, with Evil Dead 2 in 1987, Army of the Darkness in 1992, a remake in 2013, the Ash VS Evil Dead TV show that debuted last year, and tons of merchandise, comics, video games, and more besides.

Looking back on it, that's 35 years of Evil Dead, and honestly who would have thought that the film would have resonated the way it did, let alone become a massive cult phenomenon. It's funny watching the original Evil Dead nowadays, mostly because the film itself is so damn brutal compared to everything that would come in the future. The Evil Dead franchise is known for being nasty, but pretty damn funny too (mostly thanks to the slapstick silliness of Army of Darkness). What a lot of people seem to forget is that the original Evil Dead is an unforgivably nasty little horror film that grabs you by the balls and doesn't let go. We got a slight reminder of this when the 2013 remake came out, which also pulled no punches and packed on even more gore than the original. The original film though was made on a bare-bones budget in horrid conditions, and the pure unforgiving ferocity that it displays would never be matched by any sequel or remake.

Evil Dead the film, and the franchise as a whole, has managed to say relevant 35 years later because of the unforgettable impact it had upon the horror world when it was first released. Even from 1992 on when the franchise was dormant, it still retained a more than solid following. In the late 90s/early 2000s with the advent of DVD, Anchor Bay re-released the film for new generations to discover, and that's exactly what happened.

Let's all be thankful to Sam Raimi, Bruce Campbell, and everyone else involved in bringing Evil Dead to life. The world is a better place with Ash and the Deadites in it.

The Fallout of BLAIR WITCH

So...I was wrong.

Not too long ago, I had shared my thoughts about the new Blair Witch movie, claiming that I had believed distributor Lions Gate had only slapped that franchise label on an already completed film in an effort to earn more cash from it. After viewing Blair Witch, I can safely say that I was totally wrong about that. If Lions Gate did do such a thing, the amount of post-production work on the film would have been ridiculous, considering from the beginning on that it doesn't try to be anything else but a film in the Blair Witch universe.

I went into the film with no expectations, having never really been into the franchise at all, although I'm a diehard supporter of director Adam Wingard (You're Next, The Guest) and writer Simon Barrett. I had expected the film to be a smash hit and all and at least garner a good critical reception given the pair's pedigree and all, but then something weird happened...I enjoyed the film, and audiences apparently didn't.

Now I went through something similar recently with The Witch (also from Lions Gate), which I thought was brilliant but a majority of mainstream audiences seemed to hate because either they didn't get it, or because it didn't spell everything out to the viewer. Blair Witch kind of suffers the same fate because it offers little to no explanations to the viewer about anything, but it offers much more taut suspense than the original film ever did, at least in my opinion. Granted some of the jump scares are flat out ridiculously set up, but the film is far better than I anticipated it to be, and I enjoyed it quite a bit.

Now I know I often say this, but don't pay any attention to critics. In fact, don't pay much attention to those who have seen the film and offered their opinion on it, whether it be good or bad. See it for yourself and judge it for yourself. Also check out the films of Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett; they're fucking wonderful.

UNCUT & UNRATED EVIL DEAD IS COMING

News came out a few days ago that the long awaited, uncut, uncensored version of Fede Alvarez's 2013 remake/reboot of EVIL DEAD is finally going to see the light of day. Alvarez confirmed such while doing the press rounds for his new flick DON'T BREATHE, and it's very well known that this is something we've all been waiting for now for quite some time. This news seriously excites me more than it probably should.

The 2013 take on EVIL DEAD was a shockingly brutal and gory retread on Sam Raimi's original film, so much so that many were shocked it was granted an R rating given the extreme level of violence. The fact that there's an extended and uncut version coming soon makes me wonder just what could have gotten cut out. Funny thing is, apparently this same extended cut ran on a UK channel in 2015 by mistake when the distributor accidentally sent the wrong master of the film for TV airing. Oops.

My only question is why have we waited this long to see an uncut version of EVIL DEAD? Why has it taken this long for it to see the light of day in a wide-release? I guess it doesn't really matter honestly, and that we should just be happy that we're finally going to be able to see it in all its uncut glory.

With ASH VS THE EVIL DEAD being a smash hit and the franchise riding an all time high like never before, it's never been a better time to be an EVIL DEAD fan than it is right now. Who would have ever thought that the franchise would see such a resurgence? It's shit like this that makes it great to be a horror fan.

EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT UP ABOUT 31

Rob Zombie is a lot like Eli Roth to me: a fairly talented horror filmmaker that has had one truly great film on their resume, and rest of their filmography is filled with relative clunkers. With each passing film they release, I hope against hope that their upcoming flick will fulfill all that empty promise we've been handed for the past decade, and still walk away disappointed in the end. At least with Roth's case, The Green Inferno and Knock, Knock were relatively entertaining, so he's redeemed himself a bit in my eyes. In Rob Zombie's case? Not so much.

Rob Zombie's newest film, the crowdfunded 31, is upon us, and it's getting the reception that many of us thought it would: people are either loving the shit out of it, or hating it with every fiber of their being. I haven't seen it yet, but given Zombie's track record with Lords of Salem and the Halloween turds, I'm not in much of a hurry either. Trailers and looks at the film that I've seen make it look like a fairly generic piece of mediocrity, and chances are I'm probably right in my early assessment too. I'm not shitting on Rob or the movie, I'm really not, because even in the movies of his I find myself hating, I manage to find one or two elements about them that I admire the hell out of. I have a sinking feeling that with 31, that won't be the case.

One thing I've noticed lately, especially in the horror community, is that differing opinions really cause everyone's inner-asshole to come out, especially in the case of Rob Zombie films. There are people that genuinely love his Halloween films, and even consider them better than John Carpenter's classic. Now everyone's entitled to their own opinion and all, but really? Does Rob Zombie have the following he does because he's a musician first and filmmaker second? Do people actually enjoy that mess that is House of 1000 Corpses and think it's better than Devil's Rejects? One thing I've noticed in discussing things like this is that fans are fiercely defensive of Rob's work and the pedestal they place it on. Are they such a way because they know in their hearts that his work is shit?

That being said, I've seen people that have seen 31 trash the film, and those who haven't seen the film yet trash the reviewers, and vice-versa as well. Every film needs a fair chance before everyone can drop their drawers and shit all over it holding each other's hands in unison. Also, one other thing I've seen a lot of lately? People saying "if you're not a Rob Zombie fan, you're not a true horror fan". Yes, people have actually said that. These are probably the same people that don't know who Dario Argento and Lucio Fulci are but think that the Scream franchise is the greatest thing Wes Craven ever put on celluloid. Fuck these people, fuck them in the ear. But hey, that's just my opinion...right?

It's attitudes like this that make me sad. Like I said, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but being a flat out cock knocker to someone over a differing opinion than yours is just tiresome. That's what politics and comic book geek douche bags have nailed down, keep that shit out of the horror community yeah?

Or wait, you know what? Everyone's an asshole. Just ignore people in general and you'll be alright. Also, I will end up seeing 31 at some point, as long as I don't have to pay for it that is. That's just like, my opinion man.

30 YEARS OF JASON LIVES!

Out of all the slasher franchises from the 80s, I think the one I have the softest spot for is the FRIDAY THE 13TH flicks. I really wish I could give a concrete reason why that is, but I can't. I guess I've always been kind of drawn to Jason Voorhees more so than Michael Myers, and even Freddy Krueger. Or maybe it's the buffet of boobs the series is known for as well? Who knows?

Anyway, today marks the 30th anniversary of a fan favorite of the franchise. On August 1, 1986, FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI: JASON LIVES was released theatrically. This was the first film in the series to feature an undead Jason Voorhees after he is idiotically brought back to life (he was legitimately killed in Part 4 and wasn't in Part 5 at all), and was also the first film in the series to inject a lot of humor and self-awareness into it as well. This is apparent based on the film's storyline, characters, and plot elements; all of which are gleefully tongue in cheek and just totally damn fun.

While Part 4 is, in my opinion anyway, the best film in the series, JASON LIVES is pretty damn close to it. Even if you're not a fan of the franchise, you should give this one a look at the very least; it's really seriously that damn enjoyable. And it also has that amazing Alice Cooper theme song as well, which switches between cracking me the fuck up with laughter or wanting to make me rock the fuck out every single time I hear it.

Oh, and there's not a single boob in sight either, go figure.

WE'RE GETTING MORE SAW...FOR SOME REASON

Well, I guess we're getting another SAW movie after all...sigh...

Of all the horror franchises I can think of, the SAW series is probably my least favorite, so much so that I've never seen a few of the franchise's entries. I think I just got burned out because there was a long period of time when we were getting a new SAW movie every single year, and each one was worse than its previous entry. But hey, they made a shit load of money and were made for dirt cheap, so you really can't beat that kind of profit margin.

Eventually, fans started to grow tired of the franchise, and the SAW series has been dormant since 2010's SAW 3D. Well, next year we're getting another SAW flick, though details on it are a little murky. Is it a reboot? Is it a whole new entry? Is Cary Elwes going to be the new Jigsaw (he doesn't really have much to do these days)? Who knows, but for me though, it's more like who cares? I know this series has its long-admiring fans, and that's all well and good, please don't think I'm shit talking here, but I just could never ever get into the whole torture porn sub-genre. And those that praise the overarching story of the SAW series that continuously got more and more convoluted and confusing with each passing film? Yeah, after the third film, I said enough was enough.

One positive thing I will say about SAW (and which I've often said about it) is that when the first film hit theaters in 2004, it really was a breath of fresh air to the mainstream horror genre. At the time, all we were getting were shitty PG-13 rated remakes of Japanese horror films. They were watered down garbage aimed at teenage girls, and it was just a big, bad, and boring time for horror. When the first SAW hit, the bloodshed and dark tone was what we needed. Audiences thought the same because it became such a massive hit that it birthed a franchise with new installments every year...before that imploded that is.

Regardless, we're getting more SAW movies...ugh...

In the meantime, I'm still waiting for that new Phantasm flick that's been stuck in release and distribution hell.

JOHN CARPENTER RETURNS TO HALLOWEEN?!?!?!?!

Well, this was unexpected.

A few days ago it was announced that the "Halloween" franchise had found a new home between Miramax (well, technically they were an old home too, but I digress) and Blumhouse (who have been behind a shitload of mainstream and micro-budgeted horror dirges of varying quality). What's even more surprising though is that John Carpenter is going to be serving as a producer on the next installment of the franchise. That's right, John fucking Carpenter is returning to the franchise he helped birth.

Now what does this mean exactly?

Well, in all honesty, probably nothing much. The "Halloween" franchise has had its share of ups and downs (mostly downs) and suffered through mid-series reboots, ignored chapters, and a remake (with a sequel) from Rob Zombie that should have never seen the light of day. Other than "Hellraiser" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", the "Halloween" series has gotten fucked over more times than Zack Ryder in WWE (get that? No? Don't watch wrestling? Fuck you!).

Bringing Carpenter into the fold as a producer is probably for the sake of his name if nothing else. Saying the franchise needs a shot in the arm is saying it lightly, and having Carpenter's name at the marquee would do just that. Thing is though, don't expect him to really have much of an impact on the film itself. Carpenter was a "producer" on that abortion of a remake of "The Fog". From out of his own mouth he claimed his job was to occasionally show up on set and say hello. That's not something that really bodes too well is it?

Now, who knows how this new "Halloween" will turn out with an attachment from Carpenter. Apparently it's going to be a sequel to the first two films and completely ignore everything that came after? Who knows? All I know for sure is that it can't be any fucking worse than either of the Rob Zombie movies right?

Why THE WITCH is Wonderful

Spoilers afoot:

I had said some time ago that mainstream hype can kind of kill a horror movie upon release, citing recent horror flicks "The Babadook" and "It Follows" as examples. "The Babadook" was overrated anal waste, while "It Follows" wasn't bad. Now I've finally gotten around to seeing "The Witch", which had quite a bit of more than favorable critical reviews, but for some reason, audiences seemed to hate. Keep in mind that when I say audiences, I mean mainstream audiences.

Now why did mainstream audiences shit all over "The Witch"? Well, probably because it doesn't offer a jump scare every twenty seconds. One thing I've realized from going to see a few horror flicks in theaters (the original "Paranormal Activity" being chief among them) is that mainstream audiences base how they enjoy a horror movie from the number of jump scares they experience. "The Witch" doesn't offer anything of the sort. It's cerebral and doesn't spell anything out for the viewer, which is probably another reason audiences hated it. Audiences seemed to enjoy "The Forest" better, and that movie is a piece of shit for sure, but it offers jump scares and little to no intelligence...just like mainstream movie-going audiences. Yes I know that sounds mean, but y'all know it's true.

Now, I had said that "The Witch" doesn't spell anything out for the viewer, and it doesn't. It doesn't flat out spell on the screen that Black Philip is Satan himself, or that he's giving a contract out at the end of the film in an effort to get the surviving daughter to sell her soul to him, but if you had half a brain, you'd get that. Mainstream audiences need to have every rhyme and reason for anything that happens in a movie to be spelled out and explained to them, because that's what they expect. They don't want to think, they want to turn their brains off and be entertained. Now there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but when it comes to films that offer a more cerebral experience instead of eye-bleeding CGI effects and pure stupidity, most audiences will rather choose the latter.

Not to mention the fact that this film is surprisingly graphic in its depictions of child death/torment, which for someone like me is quite lovely. It's really nice to see a mainstream-released horror movie not hold back. In fact, I'm really surprised this film had a national run in theaters. Seriously, I'm really fucking surprised.

Now I know I sound like an elitist fuck here in this thing, but when it comes to things like this, I guess I kind of am. I'm also unapologetic about it, so there's that. Regardless, you should really see "The Witch". It's the best mainstream-released horror movie in recent memory, and it now holds a special place in my heart.

Jeepers Creepers 3 & The Pedophile Director

Do I really have to talk about this fucking guy again? I figured I'd said everything that needed saying already, but he's back in the news, so here we are.

Pedophile director Victor Salva seems to finally be getting "Jeepers Creepers 3" off the ground, and boom, he's hit a roadblock. A casting agency in Canada has removed a post from Salva and his people looking to cast actors for this somehow eagerly anticipated sequel...ya know, because not many people are looking to work with a convicted pedophile director. Needless to say, Salva always manages to cause a stir.

For those that somehow don't already know, Victor Salva was convicted of sexual misconduct with the 12-year old star of his 1989 film "Clownhouse", which included molesting the kid and recording the acts. During his arrest, a whole shit load of kiddie porn was discovered in Salva's possession as well. He didn't do much time sadly, and was out in 15 months.

Salva managed to find work after his release, mostly because he's one of legendary director Francis Ford Coppola's golden boys, and ended up making films like "Nature of the Beast", "Powder", and of course, "Jeepers Creepers" and its sequel.

Now yes, some of you will make the argument that "Salva served his time, blah blah blah", or "give him the benefit of the doubt, he hasn't been in trouble since", and to all that, I'll say this: fuck on off.

There's not much in this world that really sets me off, except for three things: rapists, child molesters, and animal abusers. I have no tolerance for them, any of them, and in Salva's case, he should have definitely served longer than 15 fucking months in prison, and shouldn't have been welcomed back in Hollywood to begin with.

There's been talk of doing a "Jeepers Creepers 3" forever now. I hope, I truly fucking hope, this never sees the light of day, and that Salva ends up wasting away into obscurity.

Oh, and by the way...those of you that have been pining for "Jeepers Creepers 3"? Guess what? Those movies are fucking awful, regardless of who directed them.

My Thoughts on the SUSPIRIA Remake

Oh Dario, Dario, where art thou Dario?

You know what? Don't answer that. After seeing the last few films Dario Argento has made, I'm convinced he's lost to us forever, but that's a story for another day.

Anyway, one of the most beloved and cherished horror films in cinematic history is Argento's 1977 masterpiece, "Suspiria". A film that features brilliant storytelling, gut-wrenching gore, lush set design and colors, and gorgeous cinematography. It's a classic of the horror genre, and nothing Argento had done since can even come close to reaching the greatness that "Suspiria" managed to do.

So of course, it needs a remake, right?

Well tough shit folks, we're getting a remake of "Suspiria".

That's right, and it looks like it's happening here pretty damn soon. So soon in fact that casting is already underway. I had heard that so far we're getting Dakota Johnson (who I'm told showed her boobs in the adaptation of soccer mom porn for morons "50 Shades of Grey") in the lead, as well as Tilda Swinton, who I assume will be the big evil bitch of the film (and I don't have a problem with Swinton, she can literally do anything).

Now, here's the thing: "Suspiria" is a film that is definitely not for everyone. In terms of its storytelling, it didn't spell out everything for the viewer. There's a lot of elements in that film that are either kept ambiguous or are just told through the film's direction. Movies, especially mainstream American ones, don't do that anymore. Instead, we'll more than likely be getting a dumbed down, hastily-put together take on the film by a crew and producers who simply don't get the source material or rather don't want to...because intelligent filmmaking, especially in horror, doesn't appeal to the masses.

This happens all the time: just look at the recent "The Witch"; an intelligent and thought provoking horror flick that has been shit on by the general public because it doesn't spell things out and isn't easy to digest. "Suspiria" is such a film, and an American-ized modern day remake will more than likely be flat out crippled by stupidity. I'm going to list some horror flicks, most of them classics, that have been remade in the past decade or so and totally miss the mark that was set by the films they were adapted from:

The Fog
Halloween
Assault on Precinct 13
The Thing
Dawn of the Dead (okay, this isn't that bad, it just ignores any kind of social commentary that the original had)
Martyrs
Mirrors
The Ring
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (like four times)

Yeah, you see where I'm going with this right? This remake of "Suspiria" will end up having the same result. It's fucking clownshoes.

In other words, fuck this, and fuck it hard.

M.NIGHT SHYAMALAN REBOOTS TALES FROM THE CRYPT?!?!?!?

So...this is news.

M. Night Shyamalan, AKA the writer/director that peaked with his first film "The Sixth Sense" and has made nearly nothing but pure cinematic shit ever since, is going to be rebooting "Tales From the Crypt" for TNT.

Yes you read that right. Motherfucking M. Night Shyamalan is rebooting "Tales From the Crypt". I seriously can't fucking believe this is a legitimate thing that is happening. Holy mother of fucking Satan, hearing this made me literally shit a brick.

A legitimate brick of shit came out of my ass.

To say that "Tales From the Crypt" is beloved to me is saying it lightly. This was what made me begin my love of horror in my youth, and from what I remember, may be my first taste of gore and boobs. Well, we definitely won't be getting either of those on TNT will we? Know what else we're not gonna get?

There won't be a Cryptkeeper.

Yes folks that's right, Shyamalan's first order of business is to can the Cryptkeeper. Ya know, it should really go without saying that "Tales From the Crypt" without the Cryptkeeper isn't really fucking "Tales From the Crypt" is it?

So let's get this straight: we're getting a reboot of "Tales From the Crypt" that will be from the guiding hand of one of the most overrated and self-obsessed directors working in Hollywood today, that will be on prime time basic cable TV, and will feature no Cryptkeeper...

...yeah, this is gonna be great right?

Fuck this. Fuck TNT. And most of all, fuck you Shyamalan.

Why You Shouldn't Hate HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

The "Halloween" franchise may be the only slasher franchise where every sequel got progressively worse with each installment...except for "Halloween III: Season of the Witch".

That's right, I said it.

"Halloween III" is the best sequel in the franchise without a doubt. Yes I know, "but it doesn't have Michael Myers in it, it's horrible", blah blah blah. Well you know what? The fact that it doesn't have Myers in it makes it the best sequel in the franchise by default...once again, that's right, I said it.

See when John Carpenter unleashed the original classic "Halloween", it became a surprise super smash hit. Naturally a sequel was in order, and that's how we got "Halloween II". While Carpenter didn't direct it (though he did film some of the added gore scenes), he was still calling the shots, and intended for this film to be the end of the Michael Myers saga. That's why Michael and Dr. Loomis get blown up to a crisp at the end of the film and Laurie Strode finally gets away. Carpenter had wanted the franchise to be an anthology-style series where each movie would be its own self-contained story, hence why "Halloween III" has no Michael Myers, etc. and instead told its own story instead.

And what a story it is. An evil Halloween-mask making corporation that seeks to rid the world of those that don't appreciate the true roots of the holiday? Kids getting slaughtered by their own masks? Killer robots and shit??? Yeah, "Halloween III" has all of that (and Tom Atkins) and more, as well as probably the most catchy jingle of a song in the history of ever (Silver Shamrock!). Despite all that, the film has been reviled by audiences since its release, and still is today. Mostly because it was called "Halloween III" and had no Michael Myers. Had this film been called anything else, it still wouldn't have been a hit, but it probably would have garnered a lot more love as time went on that it has otherwise.

Now I'm not saying "Halloween III" is a masterpiece or anything, but come the fuck on, it's without a doubt the best sequel in the whole series. Don't believe me? Here's every film in the franchise broken down for you:

"Halloween" - The original John Carpenter classic.

"Halloween II" - The somewhat disappointing sequel to Carpenter's classic that wraps up everything.

"Halloween III: Season of the Witch" - The standalone movie that tells an original story with new characters that everyone hates.

"Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers" - As the title implies, Michael returns to kill his niece. This movie actually made less money than "Halloween III"

"Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers" - Michael still tries to kill his niece. Made even less money than III and IV.

"Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers" - Michael knocks up his niece (yes you read that right), is part of a stupid cult, and features Paul Rudd.

"Halloween H20" - Pretends IV, V, and VI never happened. Brings Laurie back.

"Halloween: Resurrection" - Michael kills Laurie, and gets beat up by Busta Rhymes.

"Rob Zombie's Halloween" - An unbelievably shit remake.

"Rob Zombie's Halloween II" - An unbelievably shitty sequel that at least tried to do some different things with the series as a whole...and failed miserably.

So yeah...after "Halloween III" failed critically and commercially and fans cried out for more Michael Myers, John Carpenter said "no thanks" and sold off his stake of the rights. Myers returned, the series kept going, and kept getting worse and worse. We're actually supposed to get another film sometime soon that is a sequel to the original "Halloween II"...which means everything after that never happened...which is fine because half of that didn't happen as it is right? What?

Fuck this.

Go watch "Halloween III". It's not a perfect movie, but it deserves much more adulation than it's ever gotten...and yeah, it's still the best sequel in the franchise.

A NEW "FRIDAY THE 13TH" GAME?!??!?!

Holy fucking hell there's going to be a new "Friday the 13th" game coming out? And you get to play as Jason fucking Voorhees? And you get to hunt down horny camp counselors? And it's loaded with blood, guts, and nudity? And it's officially sanctioned by original film director Sean Cunningham?

This is too good to be true.

Well, the game isn't quite created yet. It's actually on a Kickstarter campaign at the moment that is gaining some steam. The game itself is a multiplayer-style affair, as one player plays as Jason and seven other players take on the roles of his would-be victims as they try to hide from our favorite hockey mask-wearing, machete-wielding mass murderer. Yes, you read all that right.

This has all the recipes to be something awesome.

Then again, this also has all the recipes to be a disaster.

Considering this is a Kickstarter game, who knows if it will ever see the light of day. It just might (I honestly think it will, albeit not as soon as many would hope), but that possibility is there in the forefront given the history of video games trying to get going via Kickstarter. That being said, considering it has the OK from Sean Cunningham, and all the press it has gotten so far, this could be the game that makes us forget about that NES abortion from the late 80s...you know, that game that is probably one of the worst video games ever made?

No I'm not fucking exaggerating, that NES "Friday the 13th" game fucked me in the head so much as a kid that whenever I throw stones or rocks, I automatically make them curve upwards over their intended targets. Don't get that reference? You're lucky and I'm happy for you. You do get that reference? Then we know each other's pain.

Anyway, I truly hope this game sees the light of day, and I hope it's what we all are yearning for it to be. Either way, I can't wait to play it.

Oh shit wait, I said I'd never buy a next-gen console...and it's only going to be on PS4 and XBox One...

...shit.

"The Babadook", "It Follows", and How Hype Kills Horror

Hype can be a terrible thing, especially when something in the horror genre receives mainstream praise.

Case in point are two very recent films that seemed to do similar things when they got hyped up by pretty much everyone. "The Babadook" and "It Follows". Both films are supernatural in nature, with "The Babadook" revolving around a mentally fragile mother and her physically draining you son contending with a monster, while "It Follows" finds a young girl haunted by a demonic entity that gets transmitted like an STD. While both films have plenty of subtext and underlying themes, etc.; both of them also received a shitload of acclaim from the mainstream press.

For hardcore horror fans, mainstream recognition and acclaim is usually the kiss of death to the rest of us.

Now amongst many of MY ilk (i.e., people that don't consider "The Ring" the greatest thing ever), we tend to not like either movie, but it seems like "The Babadook" gets a more positive reaction to "It Follows". From my own personal view, I surprisingly enjoyed "It Follows" quite a bit, and I totally fucking hated "The Babadook". In fact, I consider "The Babadook" the most overrated horror film that I can remember of this decade. I can understand why many didn't seem to enjoy "It Follows", but I really enjoyed it.

Anyway, personal tastes aside, when a horror movie gets any type of mainstream press or positivity, it's usually because something about it is designed to appeal to a mainstream audience in the first place. Horror movies can range from being truly scary to just plain sick and shocking for the sake of being sick and shocking. For those of us who have pretty much seen everything the genre has to offer, it usually takes a hell of a fucking lot to impress us. For a mainstream audience that doesn't usually go for this type of thing, it takes a hell of a lot less to impress them.

That is why with horror, and pretty much everything else, when you hear the hype train coming with everyone hopping on it, you should probably ignore it until you see the product for yourself to decide if it's worthwhile or not.

Also whatever you do, don't watch "The Babadook". You'll want to rip your own eyeballs out and shove knives in your ears. If you've had the displeasure of seeing it, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't seen it...don't. Just fucking don't.

More "Prometheus"? More "Alien"? MORE SHIT!

Remember a while back when I talked about Neill Blomkamp making a new "Alien" movie? Well yes, that's still happening (allegedly), but that's not the only "Alien"-related film we'll be getting. Ridley Scott, director of the original "Alien" and its recent, less than well-received semi-prequel "Prometheus" has announced that the latter film is indeed getting a sequel, albeit with a brand new title that literally almost none of us really saw coming:

"Alien: Paradise Lost".

So much for not being a prequel and just a separate, stand-alone film that takes place in the same universe huh?

That was the line of shit we were given before and during the original release for "Prometheus" in 2012 and beforehand, that it wasn't a traditional prequel, but would tell its own story, just in the same universe. Considering how lukewarm the reception for that film ended up being, it's not surprising that the suits at Fox more than likely told Scott "make it a straight prequel to fucking 'Alien', right fucking now". In fact, that's what I'm betting actually happened.

For all its flaws, I found "Prometheus" to be an intriguing film. It was predictable and not as enjoyable as I had hoped it would be, but it is beautifully shot, well-acted, and the surgical "abortion" scene is fucking horrifying. It just didn't end up being as epic in scope as we had all hoped it would be, and honestly made little sense in the grand scheme of things...which pretty much meant from the get-go we were going to get a sequel no matter what.

So now that's not just one, but two "Alien"-related films are on the horizon (with Scott allegedly producing Blomkamp's film as well). Who would have thought? "Alien Resurrection" in all honestly should have been the final nail in the "Alien" franchise's coffin (I don't count the "Alien VS Predator" movies) and here we are now in 2015 knowing that we're getting a couple more...and also knowing that both will probably kind of suck if we're being honest with ourselves. They'll look beautiful for sure, but will more than likely suck donkey cock.

Now I know I'm being a negative nancy as usual and such, and believe me no one is hoping these films are amazing more than I am, but I've been through this too much with this fucking franchise to know much better.

Is there any way we can get Lance Henriksen to star in both films? Please?

Victor Salva Needs to Go Away

News has been circulating a bit lately that there’s finally going to be a third “Jeepers Creepers” movie. For those that may be unfamiliar with the franchise, the “Jeepers Creepers” movies were surprise hits in the early 2000s, drawing a split reaction from viewers (people either seem to love them or hate them) and raking in a surprising amount of cash. A third film has been speculated for over a decade now, and it looks like we’re finally getting it. What has been the holdup on “Jeepers Creepers 3” you might ask?

Well for starters, writer/director Victor Salva is a convicted pedophile.

Years back before Salva made a name for himself with the “Jeepers Creepers” movies, or even with his mainstream 90s hit “Powder”, Salva made a horror film called “Clownhouse”. During production of that film, Salva recorded himself molesting his 12-year old male lead. Eventually it would be discovered with Salva only serving 15 months of a much longer sentence. Needless to say, he got off with a slap on the wrist.

Now you can all say that he paid his debt to society, etc., but the fact remains that Victor Salva is a piece of fucking shit. I try to keep this kind of crap off this blog and page, but since everyone is talking about how they can’t wait for “Jeepers Creepers 3”…well, there you have it. To this day the man is involved in some very shady dealings and stories, and is pretty much blackballed from most of the film industry (except for the few that always seem to say, “come on, give him another chance”).

Salva deserves no more chances. He didn’t deserve any of the ones he got after “Clownhouse” either. And in all honesty, we don’t deserve to have to fork over money to see any of his work. As sick as it is to say, his notoriety for his crime has gotten him more attention and support than this piece of shit ever deserved to have in the first fucking place.

Keep in mind: I’m not saying you should boycott “Jeepers Creepers 3” or anything, I’m really not. That is your decision. But there’s no forgiving and forgetting for pedophiles. There’s no therapy or rehabilitation that can snap them out of it. There probably never will be. I know I sound condemning as all hell here, but I also know damn well that I’m not the only one that feels this way.

Fuck you Victor Salva.

STOP WITH THE FUCKING TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE MOVIES!!!

Oh fucking hell, they're doing it again.

I've talked at great length before about how Hollywood just won't let certain franchises die, whether it be "Friday the 13th", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", or "Halloween", so I guess we can add "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" back to that list too. We're getting a prequel (and seriously what is this, like the eighth fucking prequel already?) focusing on the origins of Leatherface.

Yes, we need to have Leatherface have a fucking origin story.

Why is it now that these slasher icons from yesteryear now have to have so much exposition and origins given to them when they get remakes/reboots? Did we really need to see a young Michael Myers grow up in an abusive home with a stripper mother to give us a reason as to why he was the way he us? Remember the old explanation that he was just "pure evil" and that was it? Guess what? That actually fucking worked. The whole origin story given to him for the millennial generation certainly fucking didn't.

So with that in mind, what kind of possible fucking origin could Leatherface possibly fucking have? Let's see: fucked up looking kid, probably gets bullied, has fucked up family life (cannibals are usually pretty dysfunctional am I right?), and discovers catharsis in wielding chainsaws.

I think that will probably be more or less what we'll get with this new flick. See? This soulless bullshit, shameless cash-in garbage practically writes itself with little reason for forethought. Remember that abortion that was "Texas Chainsaw 3D"? I distinctly remember telling you fuckers not to lay down your hard earned cash to see that piece of shit, and you know what? You all did anyway. That movie was just disrespectful to fans of the franchise for a number of different reasons, and this new one probably won't be any different either. Now do as I say this time and DON'T GO SEE THIS FUCKING THING.

The only time we'll stop getting half-baked retreads on old franchises is when we all stop paying to see them. In regards to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" itself though, let's look at the overall chronology of films in the series so far shall we?:

We have the 1974 original...

...followed by Tobe Hooper's 1986 sequel starring Dennis Hopper...

...followed by a third film (called "Leatherface") that was equal parts sequel and re-working of the original kind of...

...followed by "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: New Generation" (only famous for starring a pre-fame Matthew McConaughey and Rene Zellwegger) which was a remake in itself...

...followed by the 2003 remake that made a shitload of money...

...followed by the 2006 prequel to the 2003 remake that was just plain awful...

...followed by the cinematic abortion known as "Texas Chainsaw 3D" which claims to be a direct sequel to the ORIGINAL film from 1974.

You guys get all that?

Yeah, let this franchise die already. I know I say it all the damn time, but this is the one case where I think we can all agree that it has to die, and die right fucking now.

Then again, maybe we'll get a cross-dressing Leatherface again?

Remembering Wes Craven

Wes Craven has lost his battle with brain cancer at the age of 76. The man lived a good, long life and was already known as a horror legend before his passing. Looking back on the man's filmography, including just what all he's had his fingers in over the years, really helps in terms of fully appreciating what all Craven lent his talents to.

While claiming to have helmed some pornographic features back in his early days of filmmaking, Craven really burst onto the scene with the infamous "The Last House on the Left" in 1972. Afterwards he brought us the original "The Hills Have Eyes", as well as the underrated "Deadly Blessing" and a hysterical adaptation of "Swamp Thing". But it was in 1984 when he unleashed "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and introduced us to slasher icon Freddy Krueger that really cemented Craven as a true icon of the genre. He would follow that with "The Serpent & The Rainbow", "Shocker", "The People Under the Stairs", "New Nightmare", "Deadly Friend", "Vampire in Brooklyn", and the "Scream" franchise as a director, while serving as a producer on a number of various horror flicks including "Mind Ripper", "They", the "Wishmaster" series, and "Dracula 2000", as well as remakes of "The Hills Have Eyes" and "Last House on the Left".

A lover of classical music, Craven even ventured outside horror to helm the 1999 "Music of the Heart" starring Meryl Streep. Though I was never a fan of the "Scream" films, they have their place in horror history for re-invigorating the slasher genre in the 90s (for better or worse), which wouldn't have been possible without Craven's slick and imaginative direction. The man did more to legitimize the horror genre than anyone else from his era of filmmaking. For that, he will always be beloved.

So sadly, even though Wes Craven has passed on, he leaves behind a body of work that many of his contemporaries can barely rival. He was special as a man, and as a filmmaker, and his work remains iconic all these years later, and always will forever more.

Rest in peace Wes, you've earned it.

What Scares Me the Most?

I'm going to tell you all something that not many people know about me.

No, it's not that I masturbate with peanut butter. This is the digital age, and because of that, you all already know about it.

No, I'm going to tell you all about the one sub-genre of horror that truly freaks me the fuck out.

It's not zombies. It's not ghosts. It's not torture. It's not even fucking clowns.

It's aliens man. Motherfucking aliens.

When I was a kid, maybe about five or six, I accidentally saw "Communion". It was a shit movie adaptation of Whitley Striber's supposedly "true" chronicle of his experiences with alien abduction. The film starred Christopher Walken as Striber, and featured the typical big-eyed and grey styled alien beings haunting him. Watching the movie now makes me wonder how this ever scared me at all, but looking back on it, that shit stuck with me.

Just the look of the beings by itself freaks me the fuck out to this very fucking day. Thinking about it now though, I realize that it just isn't their appearance that gives me the creeps, it's every fucking thing else about them. The fact they're from another world. The fact that they can get you in the middle of the night, or whenever they want because they have the technological means to do so, makes you feel way more vulnerable than any slasher villain ever could. Not to mention the fact that say, you did get abducted by aliens and they did weird stuff to your butt...no one would ever fucking believe you. Ever.

That shit is fucking scary.

I'm probably going to get laughed at by you fucks for this. "Oh this hardcore horror fanatic is scared of something so fucking stupid". Well, to that I happily say, blow me. We all have one dumb fear that creeps us the fuck out. Mine just happens to be taken away in the middle of the night, shot across the galaxy, having my cock and ass prodded, then shipped back to Earth buck naked in a cornfield and have no one believe me about it.

Then again, no one believed I once porked a pornstar way back when, but I did.

No seriously, I did. Spoiler alert: it was awesome.

Anyway, on a serious note, I'm sure you'll probably find this unbelievable too, but I do believe that we're not the only intelligent life in the universe. Granted I don't necessarily think anyone is coming to earth to jam things up random people's asses, slaughter cattle, or make crop circles, but I do believe these fuckers actually exist...and that scares the hell out of me.

That's the one thing that ties us all together: every one of us has a legitimate fear of the unknown. It's a natural feeling, there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it's true. And there is nothing more unknown, and terrifying, than something inherently alien to everything you know to be true.

Also, to close here, I did totally bang a pornstar. Dead serious. Best two minutes of my life.