REAL THOUGHTS ON NEW HALLOWEEN MOVIE DEVELOPMENTS

A while ago it was announced that John Carpenter himself was returning to the HALLOWEEN franchise to inject some life back into it. The idea in itself is more than intriguing, and while I normally beg for long running franchises to come to an end instead of sequel after sequel and reboot after reboot, I'm surprisingly okay with this. Since it was announced though, things have been relatively quiet in terms of developments, until recently.

Carpenter announced on social media that David Gordon Green (director of PINEAPPLE EXPRESS, YOUR HIGHNESS, JOE, and more) will be directing the new HALLOWEEN film, which will be produced by Carpenter, Green, and...Danny McBride (the comedic actor best known for PINEAPPLE EXPRESS, EASTBOUND AND DOWN, and many more). Green and McBride will also be co-writing the film which is...odd. Is this seriously really happening?

At first, I really didn't know how to take this news. I was surprisingly all for a direct sequel to the original HALLOWEEN II with Carpenter back in some capacity, I just never expected to hear the names David Gordon Green and Danny fucking McBride attached to it. And shockingly...I'm okay with it. I have faith that these two won't turn the film into a laughing stock or self-aware mess. Green has made some really good and even thought provoking films (watch JOE starring Nicolas Cage...yes I'm serious) and I think he and McBride both really get what a HALLOWEEN film should be, so I'm actually really looking forward to seeing this happen.

And no matter what, it can't be as bad as the Rob Zombie-directed HALLOWEEN movies right?

JOHN CARPENTER RETURNS TO HALLOWEEN?!?!?!?!

Well, this was unexpected.

A few days ago it was announced that the "Halloween" franchise had found a new home between Miramax (well, technically they were an old home too, but I digress) and Blumhouse (who have been behind a shitload of mainstream and micro-budgeted horror dirges of varying quality). What's even more surprising though is that John Carpenter is going to be serving as a producer on the next installment of the franchise. That's right, John fucking Carpenter is returning to the franchise he helped birth.

Now what does this mean exactly?

Well, in all honesty, probably nothing much. The "Halloween" franchise has had its share of ups and downs (mostly downs) and suffered through mid-series reboots, ignored chapters, and a remake (with a sequel) from Rob Zombie that should have never seen the light of day. Other than "Hellraiser" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", the "Halloween" series has gotten fucked over more times than Zack Ryder in WWE (get that? No? Don't watch wrestling? Fuck you!).

Bringing Carpenter into the fold as a producer is probably for the sake of his name if nothing else. Saying the franchise needs a shot in the arm is saying it lightly, and having Carpenter's name at the marquee would do just that. Thing is though, don't expect him to really have much of an impact on the film itself. Carpenter was a "producer" on that abortion of a remake of "The Fog". From out of his own mouth he claimed his job was to occasionally show up on set and say hello. That's not something that really bodes too well is it?

Now, who knows how this new "Halloween" will turn out with an attachment from Carpenter. Apparently it's going to be a sequel to the first two films and completely ignore everything that came after? Who knows? All I know for sure is that it can't be any fucking worse than either of the Rob Zombie movies right?

Why You Shouldn't Hate HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH

The "Halloween" franchise may be the only slasher franchise where every sequel got progressively worse with each installment...except for "Halloween III: Season of the Witch".

That's right, I said it.

"Halloween III" is the best sequel in the franchise without a doubt. Yes I know, "but it doesn't have Michael Myers in it, it's horrible", blah blah blah. Well you know what? The fact that it doesn't have Myers in it makes it the best sequel in the franchise by default...once again, that's right, I said it.

See when John Carpenter unleashed the original classic "Halloween", it became a surprise super smash hit. Naturally a sequel was in order, and that's how we got "Halloween II". While Carpenter didn't direct it (though he did film some of the added gore scenes), he was still calling the shots, and intended for this film to be the end of the Michael Myers saga. That's why Michael and Dr. Loomis get blown up to a crisp at the end of the film and Laurie Strode finally gets away. Carpenter had wanted the franchise to be an anthology-style series where each movie would be its own self-contained story, hence why "Halloween III" has no Michael Myers, etc. and instead told its own story instead.

And what a story it is. An evil Halloween-mask making corporation that seeks to rid the world of those that don't appreciate the true roots of the holiday? Kids getting slaughtered by their own masks? Killer robots and shit??? Yeah, "Halloween III" has all of that (and Tom Atkins) and more, as well as probably the most catchy jingle of a song in the history of ever (Silver Shamrock!). Despite all that, the film has been reviled by audiences since its release, and still is today. Mostly because it was called "Halloween III" and had no Michael Myers. Had this film been called anything else, it still wouldn't have been a hit, but it probably would have garnered a lot more love as time went on that it has otherwise.

Now I'm not saying "Halloween III" is a masterpiece or anything, but come the fuck on, it's without a doubt the best sequel in the whole series. Don't believe me? Here's every film in the franchise broken down for you:

"Halloween" - The original John Carpenter classic.

"Halloween II" - The somewhat disappointing sequel to Carpenter's classic that wraps up everything.

"Halloween III: Season of the Witch" - The standalone movie that tells an original story with new characters that everyone hates.

"Halloween IV: The Return of Michael Myers" - As the title implies, Michael returns to kill his niece. This movie actually made less money than "Halloween III"

"Halloween V: The Revenge of Michael Myers" - Michael still tries to kill his niece. Made even less money than III and IV.

"Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers" - Michael knocks up his niece (yes you read that right), is part of a stupid cult, and features Paul Rudd.

"Halloween H20" - Pretends IV, V, and VI never happened. Brings Laurie back.

"Halloween: Resurrection" - Michael kills Laurie, and gets beat up by Busta Rhymes.

"Rob Zombie's Halloween" - An unbelievably shit remake.

"Rob Zombie's Halloween II" - An unbelievably shitty sequel that at least tried to do some different things with the series as a whole...and failed miserably.

So yeah...after "Halloween III" failed critically and commercially and fans cried out for more Michael Myers, John Carpenter said "no thanks" and sold off his stake of the rights. Myers returned, the series kept going, and kept getting worse and worse. We're actually supposed to get another film sometime soon that is a sequel to the original "Halloween II"...which means everything after that never happened...which is fine because half of that didn't happen as it is right? What?

Fuck this.

Go watch "Halloween III". It's not a perfect movie, but it deserves much more adulation than it's ever gotten...and yeah, it's still the best sequel in the franchise.

ANOTHER "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET" REMAKE?!?!?!?!?!

We're getting a "A Nightmare on Elm Street" reboot...for the second time.

Wait, what?

Yes that's right, after the 2010 reboot of the beloved slasher series, we're going to get ANOTHER reboot as well. Why? Was the reception to the 2010 reboot really that bad?

Well...yes, it was. Reception to that was never good to begin with...and it was never going to be. I can't speak for that film myself, because I've never ever seen it. I refused to from the minute I heard about it. While I gave new takes on "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" a chance in the past, I refused to give one to "A Nightmare on Elm Street", and I still won't.

Now why have I given the newer takes on "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" a chance whereas I didn't give one to the new "Elm Street"? Well there's a few reasons. For starters, the remakes/reboots/re-whogivesafuckingshit of "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th" were shit (granted I actually kind of enjoyed "Friday the 13th"), but we knew they'd be shit going into it. At their hearts, they're just simple slasher fare that features an invincible killer pitted against horny teenagers. The "Elm Street" franchise has always been a lot more high concept than the rest of its slasher ilk. Freddy Kruger haunts your dreams, which means that anything is possible to happen. Even in the worst films of the "Elm Street" franchise, the deaths are super creative. With a modern day reboot produced by Michael fucking Bay, the word "creativity" just doesn't exist. That's why we knew beforehand not to even bother with it; we already knew it'd be total fucking garbage...and hey, we were right.

So because we were right, we're being punished again with ANOTHER reboot. That's right, they're not going to stop beating this dead horse until they can squeeze just a little more cash out of it and get a whole "new" franchise out of it with more sequels, prequels, then more remakes and reboots of those sequels, etc.

Come the fuck on. Those beloved slasher icons from the 70s/80s like Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Michael Myers, etc. are everlasting because when we first saw them, the films they appeared in were actually good and original and we wanted to see more of them. It was only after a while that we got sick of it all because it winded up being the same old shit, but at least most of those franchises tried to re-invigorate themselves by injecting some new blood now and then without going the remake route (at least at first).

So yeah, we're getting another "Elm Street" whether we want it or not. I think since we didn't want one the last time, what's really changed in the last five years that makes Hollywood execs think we'd want one now?

Don't give into this guys, save your money and time for something at least somewhat original. It's better for all of us that way, plus for the industry as a whole.

Fuck this.

ANOTHER "FRIDAY THE 13TH"?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Ho-hum, we're getting another "Friday the 13th" movie...or remake...or reboot...or whatever you wanna call it. Just like every other slasher franchise from back in the day, "Friday the 13th" will never die...and you know what? I think that's actually a good thing...at least in the case of this franchise.

Contrary to what many in the horror community thought, I actually surprisingly enjoyed the 2009 remake/reboot of "Friday the 13th". I understand why many did not, I truly do, but for me personally it delivered the goods in everything that fans of that franchise look for: blood, plenty of boobs, smoking pot, and a very physically imposing Jason Voorhees. Like I said, it wasn't for everybody, but I enjoyed the shit out of it.

Now that brings us to this next new take on the franchise. Normally I'd be shitting all over it and screaming for it to "please die"...but in the case of "Friday the 13th", this is probably one of the absolute few franchises that I never want to die. Why? Well, quite frankly, this franchise hasn't gotten the shaft put to it as much as others of its ilk like "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"; both of which have seen numerous sequels, remakes, reboots, prequels, and other sequels that don't count anymore. Both of those franchises are damaged so bad that any new films to come out for either are just...well, they're dead on arrival.

Now I know what you're going to say: "but we had movies with Jason going to hell and him in space and him fighting Freddy! You're a hypocrite!" To that, I would agree with you (mostly), but at least the franchise hasn't been fucked over time after time like those previously mentioned. Maybe I'm just partial because the "Friday the 13th" franchise is probably my favorite slasher series, but even the worst sequels in the series are better than any of the recent films to come out with "Halloween" and "Texas Chainsaw" attached to it.

Now, since we are getting another "fresh" take on "Friday the 13th", depending on how things with it go, maybe we'll eventually have that final nail in the coffin of the franchise hammered upon us if it gets fucked with too much. That wouldn't surprise me in the least honestly, and I'd have to be pretty naive to think that day would never come. That aside, I can still get behind another take on it...for now that is.

Just remember: smoke pot, have premarital sex, and try not to get slaughtered in the process.

"Halloween Returns"...to Piss You Off!

Oh “Halloween”, how I’ve loved thee so. The slasher franchise that helped kickstart…well, slasher franchises in general, is getting another “re-imagining”. Oh wait, I’m sorry, it’s a “re-working”…or a “reboot”? No, none of that? It’s a sequel to Rob Zombie’s shitty remakes? No, not that either? It’s a direct sequel to “Halloween III” (SILVER FUCKING SHAMROCK!)? Because if it was that, I’d be all over it like a drunken priest at a pre-school.

No, the new “Halloween” movie is none of the above. Tentatively titled “Halloween Returns”, this installment is instead a follow up the original “Halloween II”. How is that going to work you ask?

Fuck if I know.

The “Halloween” franchise is weird when you get right down to it. Of course we have the classic original, then we have the first sequel which for me was always a letdown, but at least it wrapped up the story as a whole that John Carpenter had planned. We then got a standalone film with “Halloween III”, which bombed with audiences (and is severely underrated). After that we got two more sequels that brought Michael Myers back as he chased after his niece. Following that we got another film that exposed Myers’ part in a cult as to why he can’t die. After that, we got two more films in which Jamie Lee Curtis came back as Laurie Strode and ignored the previous three films before it, concluding with Michael getting his ass handed to him by fucking Busta Rhymes for fuck’s sake. Years later, we got an unnecessary remake that had an even more unnecessary backstory for Michael, followed by an experimental sequel that was a literal flaming turd.

Fuck me man, can we just let it end already?

I know that slasher franchises are designed to keep going on and on forever, whether it is through sequels, remakes, reboots, etc., but there comes a time when enough is enough. Look at the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” movies. There have been numerous sequels, prequels, remakes, and re-imaginings, and none of them manage to come close to how great the original film was.

Now I know that it’d be stupid to expect a new “Halloween” film, no matter what kind of film it is, to top the original, but that’s not what any of us are expecting in the first place, because no follow up to that ever will. It’s the fact that we just don’t need any more “Halloween” films. The more they churn them out, the more tarnished the legacy of what the series has done and has meant to fans becomes. Now this might sound like sour grapes, and maybe it is just a little bit, but haven’t we all gotten tired of the same old shit already? Don’t we want to see something new and somewhat exciting and maybe even a little innovative in the genre?

The major movie studios think we don’t. They just want to print money. And that’s all fine and good, but it doesn’t mean we have to give it to them either.

No matter what, I’m sure I’ll get around to seeing “Halloween Returns” at some point or another; I’m just not in a fucking hurry. You probably shouldn’t be either.

Top 10 John Carpenter Films

There's a whole era of horror directors whose work has not only stood the test of time, but are considered the masters of the genre. George Romero, Tobe Hooper, David Cronenberg, Wes Craven, John Landis, and of course, John Carpenter. All these filmmakers achieved both mainstream success, and massive success within the horror genre over the years, but among them all, there's always been something in particular about Carpenter's filmography that has stuck out to me above all the previously mentioned. Maybe it's because he's always been kind of underrated, even within the horror genre itself if you can believe that. Either way, a majority of his films are among my favorite films of all time in ANY genre...and he's the only filmmaker alive to hold that distinction to me personally.

Now not every film Carpenter has directed has been a classic (just watch "Memoirs of an Invisible Man"...or rather, don't). That aside, he's made more great films than he has bad, and a large handful of which are fucking excellent. So without further adieu, here's my top ten John Carpenter films in the history of fucking ever. If you've never seen some or any of these before, not only are you missing out, you're out of your fucking mind.



10. STARMAN (1984)
Starring: Jeff Bridges, Karen Allen, Charles Martin Smith

The only Carpenter film to ever have an Oscar nomination (Bridges for Best Actor), "Starman" is a slightly sentimental but surprisingly endearing story of a recently widowed woman that comes across an alien being that has taken the form of her late husband. Unlike nearly everything else on this list, "Starman" is far from horror, but it remains one of Carpenter's best-made films, and features one of the best performances of Jeff Bridges' legendary career.



9. PRINCE OF DARKNESS (1987)
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Lisa Blount, Jameson Parker

It's not everyday you find a film that blends meta-physics with Satan, but here we are. A priest invites some physics students to check out a mysterious vat of green liquid in the basement of an abandoned church, only to learn that it's really the essence of Satan himself. There's demonic possession (including Alice Cooper as a homeless bum!) and some supremely interesting ideas that get thrown around in the midst of all the murder and mayhem, combined with a surprising amount of dread and the fact that you really don't know what the fuck is going to happen next. Supremely underrated film in Carpenter's body of work.



8. IN THE MOUTH OF MADNESS (1994)
Starring: Sam Neill, Jurgen Prochnow, David Warner

Speaking of supremely underrated films in Carpenter's body of work, "In the Mouth of Madness" is a gleeful take on fandom, namely that of current horror authors like Stephen King. Sam Neill plays an insurance investigator tasked with learning more of the disappearance of a popular horror novelist, only to learn that the author's creations seem to be coming to life...and driving people murderously insane. There's a lot of Lovecraft-ian touches here and there, and its ending is a total fucking hoot.



7. BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA (1986)
Starring: Kurt Russell, Kim Catrall, Dennis Dun

There isn't much I can say about "Big Trouble in Little China" that hasn't already been said plenty of times already. This film, like many other of Carpenter's films on this list, was a box office bomb that ended up finding its audience some time after its initial release. Now recognized as a bona-fide cult classic, "Big Trouble in Little China" is a mix of Chinese martial-arts mysticism and American-ized, John Wayne-archetype thrills. The makeup effects are fan-fucking-tastic, and Kurt Russell is one of the most memorable asshole heroes ever. Though this wasn't his first time as an asshole hero in a Carpenter movie...we'll get to those films in a bit.



6. THE FOG (1980)
Starring: Hal Holbrook, Jamie Lee Curtis, Adrienne Barbeau

An underappreciated film, even by some die hard Carpenter fans, "The Fog" is the most atmospheric of all of Carpenter's films. A super creepy ghost story that features a bevy of big-name acting talent, "The Fog" manages to ratchet up suspense and dread throughout its running time. Even if it gets a tad predictable as things begin winding to a close, it still manages to give you the creeps regardless. This film, like many of the next ones to come on this list, received an unnecessary remake, which somehow ended up becoming one of the absolute worst remakes in horror history. No I'm not shitting you.



5. ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK (1981)
Starring: Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Harry Dean Stanton

Another film I can't say much about that hasn't already been said hundreds of times already. You all know the plot, and you all know that it has one of the most iconic antiheroes in all of film history. "Escape From New York" is a perfect example of a filmmaker being able to do a lot with very little. Pretty low budget but boasting an immensely talented cast that includes Carpenter regulars like Tom Atkins and Adrienne Barbeau, and big time screen vets like Lee Van Cleef and Ernest Borgnine. It's easy to point out its faults in terms of its production values, but Carpenter and co. truly made the most of what they had to work with, helping the film become a cult classic to this very day. Carpenter and Russell would return for a 1996 sequel, "Escape from L.A.", which is equal parts enjoyable and disappointing. Then again, I guess one more trip with Snake Plisskin is better than no trip at all. Maybe we'll finally get the long awaited third film "Escape From Earth" instead of a shitty remake? I wouldn't count on that, but a guy can dream.



4. ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13 (1976)
Starring: Austin Stoker, Darwin Joston, Laurie Zimmer

Carpenter's follow up to his 1974 debut "Dark Star", "Assault on Precinct 13" is a 70s-era western on steroids. Taking cues from filmmakers like Howard Hawks and even a page from George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead", this film finds a soon to be closed down police precinct under siege by a large cadre of gang members. The inhabitants of the precinct, which includes both cops and criminals, have to team up if they have any hope of survival. It's dark, violent, and can be super nasty (including the infamous scene of a little girl meeting her end while trying to get ice cream); all of which helped gain Carpenter a lot of notoriety as his film career was really taking off. It would be the film he made after this that would cement him as a true visionary of the genre...and we'll get to that soon.



3. THEY LIVE (1988)
Starring: Roddy Piper, Keith David, Meg Foster

A film that was seemingly largely ignored upon release, but received so much acclaim over the years and has surprisingly become a timeless classic, "They Live" is a treat. Roddy fucking Piper plays a guy just looking to make a living and finds himself relegated among the homeless and destitute, until he discovers the shocking truth about society: billboards, magazines, and all media are loaded with subliminal messages telling us humans to OBEY and CONSUME...but that isn't even the worst of it. Those in charge are really alien beings and they've been among us for some time. Those that sell out to them are given riches and fame, while the poor keep getting poorer. Loaded with biting social commentary and featuring a brilliantly drawn out fist fight between Piper and Keith David, "They Live" is fucking wonderful. Watch it now. I fucking said so.



2. THE THING (1982)
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith David, Wilford Brimley

A remake of the 1951 "The Thing From Another World", and much more faithful to its source material than that film ever was ("Who Goes There?"), "The Thing" is one of the absolute best horror movies of the 80s. An American research team in the Arctic comes across an alien being that can imitate and absorb any life form it touches, causing mass paranoia among the group and some of the most gruesome special effects of the era. Seriously, the makeup and creature effects by Rob Bottin are so fucking ahead of their time that it's hard to believe that they were crafted in the era that they were. That, combined with the overwhelming sense of dread and isolation, and the fact that you literally don't know what the fuck is going to happen next, all helps make "The Thing" one of my personal favorite films of all time. Even though it was a relative bomb when it came out (apparently audiences didn't want to see an intelligent movie featuring a blood thirsty alien being after "E.T." had just come out), "The Thing" has grown into a bona-fide classic of the genre, even going so far as to outshining the original film. There was a remake/prequel/whatever the fuck that came out a couple years ago, and that bombed too. That film however is about as far from a classic as a film can get, so don't waste your time.



1. HALLOWEEN (1978)
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, PJ Soles

What, you were expecting "Ghosts of Mars"? The original "Halloween" jump started the slasher genre of the 80s, made Carpenter a household name (relatively), made a star of Jamie Lee Curtis, and gave birth to one of the most iconic horror villains in cinematic history. There's nothing about "Halloween" that I can say that you haven't already heard. It's amazingly suspenseful, atmospheric, and one of the most purely enjoyable horror movies to ever see the light of day. The film has spawned numerous sequels, remakes, toys, comics, and a legacy that cannot be matched. It's become a ritual in the decades since to watch the film every October, and with good reason. Even though nearly everything in the film has become a cliché of the modern slasher genre, this was the one that started them all, and none have done it better since.



Well, there you have it. Now granted, there are other Carpenter movies that didn't make this list that aren't bad like "Christine" and his remake of "Village of the Damned", but these ten films listed here are essential viewing. With that in mind, stop reading this fucking thing and go check them out if you haven't already. Thank me later.

Why You Should Support Slutty Halloween Costumes

Ah yes, Halloween. My favorite day of the whole damn year, for a number of various reasons. The horror, the scary movies, the creepy atmosphere, the chill in the air, the candy corn, and last but certainly not least, the ultra-slutty Halloween costumes. What other time of year is it acceptable for women to dress like sluts or whorish versions of various characters? See that picture here? Of course you do. That's supposed to be a slutty version of Indiana Jones. Now let that sentence stick in your head for a minute. A slutty Indiana Jones. And guess what? That's only the tip of the iceberg.

Look all around and you'll find slutty versions of Freddy Kruger, Wolverine, Strawberry Shortcake, and even Spongebob fucking Squarepants. Yes folks, there's various slutty ensembles for a beloved children's cartoon character. Why? Because nothing is sacred folks, nothing at all...

...and that's okay.

If it weren't for slutty Halloween costumes, Halloween would only be fun for kids only, and for fuck's sake, we can't let the little bastards have all the fun now can we?

I've read a dozen or so articles damning slutty Halloween costumes lately, lists of the worst kinds as well as the most non-sensical ones as well, and to those that are damning our beloved trick 'r treating sluts, I say shame on you. It's no different than people damning chicks for how they dress any other time, which usually only happens when people are either jealous because they don't look like that or because they're not balls deep in said chick.

So the overall message I'm trying to get across here is that we should leave the slutty Halloween costumes and wearers of such alone. This is fucking Halloween, it's a time to have fun, be scared, and enjoy everything else that comes along with this awesome time of year. So stop your grinin', drop your linin', eat some candy, and watch a horror flick you prudes; it's fucking Halloween.

The 5 Best Horror Movie Remakes Ever

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again…it’s fucking Halloween time folks! And what does Halloween time mean exactly? Horror movies folks, and if you know me well at all, you know no one loves this time of year and everything included with it more than me. One thing I don’t necessarily like about horror flicks in general however, is that we have horror movies remakes. Just closing my eyes and letting my mind drift, I see flickers of the ridiculously shitty remakes of classic (and even not so classic) horror remakes to have been unleashed upon us in the past decade or so. “The Wickerman” (“NOT THE BEES!!!”), “The Fog”, “A Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, Rob Zombie’s abortion that was “Halloween 2”, and so on and so forth. However, every now and then, we get a horror remake that isn’t only surprisingly good, but in some cases even outdoes the original it was based upon. So I’ve listed my top five of the best horror movie remakes to have seen the light of day. You may not agree necessarily, but regardless, these are the best horror remakes available that you could ever hope to see. And here…we…go!



THE THING (1982)
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith David, Wilford Brimley

Remade from the classic “The Thing From Another World” and owing more to the story that that film was based upon (“Who Goes There”), John Carpenter’s “The Thing” featured masterful suspense, genuine shocks, and legendary effects makeup that not only still holds up today, but helped revolutionize the makeup special effects world in the process. A group of researchers in Antarctica comes across a crash-landed alien that can assimilate and duplicate other life forms it comes into contact with, resulting in a gore-fest of suspense and the crew playing an increasingly desperate game of cat and mouse trying to figure out who’s human and who isn’t. Everything about “The Thing” is nearly pitch perfect, from the superb acting to the grim and nihilistic conclusion, this remains one of my all time favorite films of any genre, and in my opinion Carpenter’s best film ever. There’s an upcoming remake of this remake (you read that right) that supposedly serves as a prequel, and features a young cast with CGI effects aplenty. I can already guarantee how THAT flick will turn out. No matter what though, you must see “The Thing”, it’s a horror classic.



THE FLY (1986)
Director: David Cronenberg
Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis, John Getz

Remade from the Vincent Price classic, David Cronenberg’s “The Fly” is a gory tale of science gone mad. Jeff Goldblum stars as a brilliant scientist that accidentally crosses his genes with that of a fly during a teleportation experiment, and what results is a nightmarish examination of “The Metamorphosis”, with hefty amounts of blood and guts tossed in for good measure. At the heart of the film however is a surprisingly deep and even more surprisingly emotional examination of human nature and subtle metaphors for disease and the transformation one goes through during a relationship; topics that you very rarely see taken on in any remake, 99% of which are done as quick cash-ins. A box-office hit and Oscar winner for makeup special effects, “The Fly” spawned a relatively lame sequel a few years later, but apparently David Cronenberg himself has scripted a purposed sequel to this film that he claims will probably never see the light of day. If said sequel would even only be half as good as this film, it would be a crime were it to never be completed.



NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990)
Director: Tom Savini
Starring: Tony Todd, Patricia Tallman, Tom Towles

George Romero produced this remake to his legendary shocker, which was directed by legendary makeup effects guru Tom Savini, and unlike most remakes that change things around in the script for the sake of changing things around, this remake doesn’t come off as being the worse for it. This take on “Night of the Living Dead” transforms Barbara from a terrified, screaming shell of a woman into a tough, hard-nosed survivor as she and a group of others board themselves up in an old farmhouse as ravenous zombies surround them. For what it lacks in gore, the “Night of the Living Dead” remake offers some great acting and inventive takes on the classic shocking scenes of the original. Some fans actually consider this remake better than the original, and while I myself am not in that camp, I can see why they may feel that way. You’ll rarely find a remake as good as this one.



LET ME IN (2010)
Director: Matt Reeves
Starring: Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, Richard Jenkins

An Americanized remake of the modern classic “Let the Right One In”; “Let Me In” is an unexpected treat. When news of the remake first broke, I had a shit-fit and was adamant in the fact that it would be pure and absolute shit and never measure up to the original. Well, I was completely wrong in every regard. “Let Me In” tells the story of a bullied, neglected young boy that learns the girl that just moved in is actually a vampire, and the two develop a bond as everything around them starts to go completely to shit. While “Let Me In” doesn’t quite have the same amount of heart and soul as the beloved original film, it still manages to stand on its own and pay wonderful homage to the original while keeping its spirit and message intact.



THE BLOB (1988)
Director: Chuck Russell
Starring: Kevin Dillon, Shawnee Smith, Jeffrey DeMunn

There are plenty of people that didn’t like this film for whatever reasons, but I personally love this remake of “The Blob”. Dated as hell but loaded with some eye-popping effects and deliberately tongue-in-cheek moments, I even prefer this remake over the Steve McQueen-starring classic original in some regards. Mostly because it’s just a fun, over-the-top gorefest that takes no prisoners and makes no apologies for what it is, and that’s the kind of filmmaking you’ve just got to appreciate. Plus, it has Kevin Dillon with a mullet, and that chick from all the “Saw” flicks as a cheerleader; what’s not to love?



HONORABLE MENTIONS:

“And Soon the Darkness”
“Cape Fear”
“Cat People”
“The Crazies”
“Dawn of the Dead”
“Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark”
“Funny Games”
“The Hills Have Eyes”
“Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1978)
“Piranha 3-D” (fuck you I dug it)
“The Wolfman”

Nick's Mea Culpa's

For my 50th blog edition, I've decided to take the time to admit some of my many faults. Over the years, I've done some screwy and just plain wrong things, and I would like to take the time to apologize to anyone and everyone involved for any shit I've done, and will more than likely do in the future, as well as apologize and admit to things I have been completely wrong about as well. In other words, here's a list of things that I can honestly take the time to say "my bad", I'm sorry, and things I was wrong about...or something along those lines anyway.



My mea culpa's for certain people and other various times:



That time I got drunk and pissed in your sink (this may apply to many)

When I said that Blake Griffin would never amount to being more than a benchwarmer in the NBA

When I thought the XBox 360 was cool

When I thought that Buckcherry would be just what the hard rock genre needed...oh how wrong I was

When I thought Rob Zombie re-making "Halloween" was a great idea

That time I was playing hockey and hit a kid between the legs with my stick and I told him I was just testing how secure his cup was

When I traded my non-functioning Playstation in towards a PS2 at EB Games and told them it worked fine

When I had beer farts and let one rip in a full subway car

When I put a cigarette out in a friend's beer and didn't tell him that I did, nor did he realize it until it was too late (was pretty hilarious though)

That time I said I'd pull out and totally didn't (for all it may concern)



That's all for now, more than likely there will be more to follow eventually...



...maybe :)

Cannibal Holocaust: The Myth, The Legend, The Dog Turd...

During this lovely October month, after compiling lists of my favorite underrated and essential horror films alike, I noticed that some feedback I had gotten involved a nasty little exploitation film that is the absolute definition of a "cult" film, just because of all the controversy it has garnered from the day it was filmed.

The film I'm talking about is "Cannibal Holocaust".

I was a teenager when I first about this film, which was first brought to my attention by Pantera and Down vocalist Phil Anselmo who frequently referenced it on Pantera's DVD as well as some lyrics when he was with Viking Crown. I became interested and immediately scoured the internet, which in 2000 wasn't nearly as massive and information filled as it is today, and managed to find some information out about it that really drew my interest...

Banned in 50 countries

So controversial that its director was sent to prison

The most violent and disgusting horror film ever conceived

And so on and so forth. My interest was quite peaked, and only a couple years later did I finally manage to track down an uncut VHS tape of the 1980 film that I had to have imported over here. And like that, I watched it...and the end results weren't pretty. When I say that however, I'm talking about the film itself...looking back on it now, it's dreadfully overrated.

Storyline wise, the plot revolves around an American anthropologist who travels to the South American jungle after a documentary film crew had disappeared. He recovers a reel of their footage, and soon learns the truth that this crew terrorized, tortured, raped, and murdered the cannibal natives in an effort to stage and sensationalize their documentary film...but never got the chance to because they all get what they deserve.

For starters, the reason that it has been banned in so many countries (many of which have lifted said ban) is not because of its violent content, but for the fact that it actually contains footage of animal cruelty and animal killing. A turtle, monkey, snake, and more so are all slaughtered before the camera, only because director Ruggero Deodato and his film crew were so deep in the amazon jungle without restrictions that he felt he could do just about anything he wanted. Deodato had desired to direct a cannibal film that satired the lengths the media goes to in presenting violent content to its audience, and wound up helping create the legend that goes along with his ultra-violent vision.

Upon the film's first cut and viewing, Deodato found himself arrested and charged with making a snuff movie. The deaths that take place in "Cannibal Holocaust" were so realistic that people thought Deodato actually had these people murdered. That in itself only adds to the "I have to see this for myself" factor of this film. In the end, Deodato would be cleared after presenting all of the actors as still alive, and even staged some effects shots and stunts to prove that it was all in fact fake.

With all that being said, on to the film itself. For the most part, after getting through Deodato's somewhat heavyhanded (though he denies it) approach to pointing the finger at the media, he doesn't make things easy to watch. The film is brutal and unforgiving in its content of murder, cannibalism, rape, and overall just plain cruelty. Even now at 26 and as cynical a gorehound as I've become, I have a hard time watching this thing all the way through. It isn't so much the gore that gets to me, it's just the nihlistic and cruel tone. It's practically pure sadism, which is the one thing I detest about all the torture horror flicks of today like the "Saw" series, and as much as I love horror and gore and all that nasty stuff, sadism just isn't my thing. Plus the acting and dubbing are occasionally atrocious, and Deodato's film technique is just...well...not very talented. Plus, seeing animals get slaughtered? Never more thankful for a fast-forward button in all my life. Needless to say, "Cannibal Holocaust" isn't just a horror film you can have fun with a couple beers to, but it does have its own philosophy to it, which is much more than nearly any horror film around today can offer.

Though "Cannibal Holocaust" may not have the household name of many other films of its ilk despite its somewhat nigh-legendary status, its effect on horror films today can still be seen. The whole handheld camera-POV-style of horror made popular by "The Blair Witch Project"? Thank "Cannibal Holocaust" for that. Without it, we wouldn't have "Blair Witch", or "Cloverfield", or "Diary of the Dead", or even my beloved "The Last Broadcast". This was the movie that set the stage for all of that and more, including all the generic torture flicks that are all the rage today as well.

So with October coming to a close, I fucking dare you to watch "Cannibal Holocaust" if you can get your mitts on it. A couple years back it finally made its way to uncut DVD form, and can still be found online. Watch it if you dare...



Happy Halloween!

Halloween Movies: The Essentials

In the wake of compiling all 50 of the Best Horror Movies You’ve Never Seen, and with Halloween fast approaching, one may wonder just what are the essential horror movies to watch on the nights leading up to the best holiday in all of existence. Well here is a small collection of ten flicks (in no particular order I might add) that are absolutely essential for Halloween viewing, whether it’s to prepare you for Halloween night, or to watch on Halloween night. Either way, you’re welcome:



HALLOWEEN (1978)
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, PJ Soles

You knew this was going to be on here. John Carpenter’s legendary slasher masterpiece is THE film to watch for Halloween, as it not only spawned a whole series of lesser sequels and shitty remakes, but practically created the slasher genre as a whole. To this day “Halloween” is perfect, and in no other sequel to follow has Michael Myers ever been as frightening as he is in this first film. Though light on the gore and explicit on-screen violence, “Halloween” still manages to send chills to the bone, and that my friends is what has helped make this film so timeless and enjoyable.



NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)
Director: George Romero
Starring: Duane Jones, Judith O’Dea, Karl Hardman

You knew this was going to be on here too. George Romero’s legendary black & white shocker was made all the more timeless thanks to its subtle yet cutting social commentary, which this film is as memorable for as it is for introducing viewers to the flesh-eating zombies that trap and terrify a handful of survivors in a Pittsburgh farmhouse. Though Romero’s follow up “Dawn of the Dead” is a better film in my opinion, “Night of the Living Dead” is definitely the more scarier of the two, and to this day that little zombie girl still freaks me out. What’s also worth noting here is that this film actually received a GOOD REMAKE in the early 90s, helmed by Romero’s longtime makeup effects partner Tom Savini.



A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)
Director: Wes Craven
Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp, Johnny Depp

The first, original, and best of all the “Elm Street” flicks, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” was a massive hit when first released, launched the career of Johnny Depp, took indie studio New Line Cinema to massive heights, and took director Wes Craven to a more sophisticated level of creativity. Most importantly however, was that it also introduced us to Freddy Kruger, the evil child murderer who takes his revenge on those who killed him by stalking and slaughtering their children in their dreams. Featuring groundbreaking camerawork and makeup effects, the original “A Nightmare on Elm Street” still scares to this day, and remains one of Craven’s absolute best efforts to date.



HELLRAISER (1987)
Director: Clive Barker
Starring: Andrew Robinson, Claire Higgins, Ashley Laurence

Adapting his own novella “The Hellbound Heart”, Clive Barker’s “Hellraiser” usually gets the label of being a slasher, though it is anything but. When the wicked Frank attempts to open the Lamont Configuration Puzzle Box, he unleashes a trio of sado-masochistic demons that promptly rip him apart. However, he begins to slowly come back to life when his half-brother and family move into his home after his alleged disappearance, leading up to a brutal showdown. Demented and oh so graphic, the original “Hellraiser” spawned a ton of lame sequels, and also introduced us to the iconic villain Pinhead, who appears here for two whole scenes (and isn’t even referred to as Pinhead in the credits). No matter what reputation “Hellraiser” may have, consider it essential viewing.




AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)
Director: John Landis
Starring: David Naughton, Jenny Agutter, Griffin Dunne

Quite possibly the best werewolf movie in existence, “An American Werewolf in London” is so perfect that no other werewolf film to come out after it (save for maybe the original “Howling”) can even come close to touching it. Featuring revolutionary effects work from Rick Baker, “An American Werewolf in London” has it all: pitch black gallows humor, a surprise ending, and so many shock moments that you won’t believe what you’re seeing. It may not have aged all that well, but this is one horror film that I myself will watch any time.



THE THING (1982)
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith David, Wilford Brimley

One of the few times a remake is better than the original, John Carpenter’s “The Thing” is an underrated horror classic. Opening the same weekend as “E.T.” (and subsequently bombing), Carpenter’s remake of “The Thing From Another World” is a downbeat and nihilistic tale of an arctic expedition team who discovers the existence of a terrifying alien life-form that can mimic and imitate anything it assimilates. One part cat & mouse game, one part guess who the alien is, John Carpenter’s “The Thing” is a cult classic for sure, and features some of the most graphic (and gross) revolutionary effects work in horror history. And speaking of aliens…



ALIEN (1979)
Director: Ridley Scott
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, John Hurt

Ridley Scott’s terrifying and claustrophobic space opus that launched a huge sci-fi/horror franchise and introduced us to one of the most badass female characters in all of film history, the original “Alien” is a masterpiece of “what’s hiding around the corner?” terror. It’s that anticipation of seeing the murderous alien creature, followed by bloody payoff, which still makes “Alien” so goddamned good to this day.



THE EXORCIST (1973)
Director: William Friedkin
Starring: Max Von Sydow, Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair

An Oscar winning horror favorite, the original “The Exorcist” remains possibly THE most frightening film ever conceived. No matter what one’s opinion on horror movies is in general, they’ve seen “The Exorcist” regardless, it’s just that universal. I myself can’t even say anything about this film that hasn’t been said plenty of other times before me, and will be said plenty of times long after I’ve left this mortal coil. “Your mother sucks cocks in hell”…brilliant.



FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Director: Sean S. Cunningham
Starring: Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King, Kevin Bacon

Though it isn’t a great movie per se, the original “Friday the 13th” is essential Halloween viewing regardless. A slasher that rips off John Carpenter’s “Halloween” as well as truly introduced us to the notion that if you smoke weed or have sex, you are guaranteed to die in a horrible and painful way. The film also introduces us to Jason Voorhees, though it’s before he dons the iconic hockey mask or even kills anyone. Oh yeah, this is worth seeing just to see a then unknown Kevin Bacon die one of the most creative and iconic ways in slasher movie history.



THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)
Director: Tobe Hooper
Starring: Marilyn Burns, Edwin Neal, Gunnar Hansen

Incorrectly remembered as being a gorefest (usually by people who’ve never seen it), the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is a documentary-ish look at an insane cannibal family that is for all intents and purposes relatively bloodless. Most of the violence that occurs in the film is implied, which shockingly makes it all the more frightening. That, and lead actress Marilyn Burns has one of the most piercing screams in all of horror history, which in itself makes this film hard to watch to this day. Still though, the original and best film in the whole damn series.



Well there we are folks, ten films to scare the shit out of you for Halloween if (for some reason) you've never seen them before. And if you have, watch them again to help celebrate Halloween in style...



...or I'll swallow your soul!

What do you think I should have included and/ or omitted? Discuss!!!