The Walking Dead V The Walking Butthurt: Dawn of Bullshit

As most (if not all) of you know, there was a time when I really, legitimately loved "The Walking Dead". The comics, the show, everything. That however, was a long time ago. I got tired of the comics, I got super tired of the TV show, and I got just plain bored with the whole marketing blitz/cash-cow that the whole property has become (in hindsight though, I'm happy that Robert Kirkman and Image Comics have raked in the cash though; both deserve it wholeheartedly, and it's proof that indie comics can still be a force to be reckoned with).

Anyway, it's been a long time since I've watched "The Walking Dead", although I've been hearing plenty about it, namely the long-awaited introduction of Negan and the promise that he'll whack a major character. In the comics, when Negan made his first appearance, he slaughtered long time fan-favorite character Glen in brutal fashion. Most people seem to think the show is going to swap out Glen for Daryl, but apparently everyone's going to have to wait until the start of the new season to see whose brains Negan bashes in.

That's right, after weeks and weeks of teasing, fans now have to wait months to see who gets killed. And, knowing how this show goes with dragging shit out, it probably won't get revealed until the end of the season premiere...or hell, maybe even later.

This show sure likes to be a fucking cock tease eh?

For all the faults of the comic, one thing it didn't do was drag shit out. When major shit would hit the fan, it would hit fast and out of nowhere. That's one of the things that made me fall in love with it way back when. The show on the other hand...well, it's always liked to make you wait. You can label it whatever you want, but it's the truth.

Now truth be told, I don't care what develops on the show and what doesn't. The main reason I'm writing about this right now is because seeing all the butthurt fanboys crying about boycotting the show and making petitions to fire showrunner Scott Gimple (then again, this show goes through showrunners like you wouldn't believe) are just a little too much.

We get it, you're pissed. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be either. But if you're really that pissed off about the whole thing, you should prove it by not tuning into the show when it comes back in October. Show some conviction instead of whining about it on the internet only to go back to it when it comes back on air and then sing its praises after.

But no, that's not what's going to happen, and we all know it too.

If there's one silver lining to all this, it's seeing the butthurt fanboys going against the die hard fans defending this bullshit.

Why "The Walking Dead" Should Die.

Where do I begin?

I remember over a decade ago when I first heard about "The Walking Dead". It was a new comic from Image that was in black and white and promised a never-ending zombie apocalypse survival story...and it delivered. It provided many memorable characters, genuine shocks, and a legitimate feeling of surprise because you never knew what the fuck was going to happen next. Fan favorite characters would get whacked out of nowhere, and it introduced one of the best villains in the history of modern comic books.

In the process of becoming a smash hit comic book (and this was right before the zombie craze really took off mind you), "The Walking Dead" also spawned a smash hit TV show (and an upcoming spin off of said TV show), hordes of merchandise, action figures, and all kinds of other shit too. Needless to say, Robert Kirkman's "The Walking Dead" has become a global phenomenon and sale juggernaut in just a little over a decade.

So why don't I give a shit about the property as a whole anymore?

Well, to put it bluntly, I got bored. Sad as it is to say, I just got bored. I don't mean just with the TV show either (THAT is a whole other story), but the whole damn property just bores the shit out of me. The same goes for the comics. We're well over a hundred issues (I think it's close to 125ish if I'm not mistaken?), and I tuned out long before that. I mean the idea of a never-ending zombie epic sounds good on paper, but after a while, what else can you really do with it? I mean we've had some sick fuck villains, but everything after The Governor just didn't feel as scary honestly (including Negan, that's right I said it). Same formula: "we have to move, it's not safe...okay we moved we're safe...fuck, we're not safe, these people aren't who we thought they were"...rinse, repeat. Not to mention the fact that we all know anyone can die at any moment...but we all know that Rick and Carl (to a lesser extent) are pretty much untouchable. The only time one (or both) of them bite the dust is when the series comes to an end...and that's probably not happening anytime soon.

Creator Robert Kirkman recently said in an interview that he (paraphrasing here) has a vision for where the series (meaning the TV show, not necessarily the comic) will conclude. Now it's easier to have a comic book run for hundreds of issues than for a TV show to run for ten seasons mind you, but it's just the point that this dead horse is going to keep getting beaten into oblivion. Like I said, after a while, how much more shit can you really pump out in this kind of thing that doesn't feel stale?

Now I know that this whole media juggernaut has a rabid fanbase, and that's all well and good. "The Walking Dead" as a comic managed to help Image Comics really challenge Marvel and DC as a big time comic book company, the comic itself managed to re-invigorate the horror comic genre, and the TV show was the beginning of seeing more horror shows hit the TV airwaves. So yeah, it has its place in history without a doubt...

...but everything has to come to an end sooner or later. And maybe "The Walking Dead" should be laid to rest...finally.

30 Years of "Return of the Living Dead"

In a month's time, it will mark the 30th anniversary of a true favorite of the horror genre: "Return of the Living Dead". Those relatively unfamiliar with the film may know it as "that zombie movie with the punks and the super sexy naked zombie chick"...and you'd be right. The original "Return of the Living Dead" is one of the most fun and enjoyable zombie films ever made, and thirty years later, it's still as enjoyable as it was back then.

Based on the novel by John Russo, who had co-created "Night of the Living Dead" with George Romero, "Return of the Living Dead" is written and directed by the great, late Dan O' Bannon, who had written the original "Alien" among many other notable sci-fi/horror works. The story is simple: two idiots accidentally re-animate a whole graveyard full of brain-hungry corpses, while a bunch of punk kids are caught in the crossfire. Before you can say "send more paramedics", the tone of the film shifts from hilarious, to scary, to downright chilling.

For me personally, "Return of the Living Dead" has a special place in my heart. This was one of the first zombie films I ever saw in my youth (and I actually saw its first sequel, "Return of the Living Dead II" first) and left quite an impression on me. Maybe most of that was due to seeing scream queen Linnea Quigley dancing around butt ass naked in a graveyard, but I digress. This was one of the first movies I remember seeing that I genuinely laughed at and was slightly scared by. After re-discovering it years later with the advent of DVD, I fell back in love with it all over again.

The film was followed by numerous sequels, all ranging in terms of quality. "Return of the Living Dead II" took the focus off the horror and was put more on the comedic elements, while "Re-Animator" and "Society" maestro Brian Yuzna was behind the surprisingly good "Return of the Living Dead 3", which threw out the comedy and was straight up, no holds barred, super fucking gory zombie horror that is well worth your time. There were a pair of made for the Sci-Fi Channel films as well, which are the equivalent of cinematic abortions, but you probably already knew that.

If you've never seen the original "Return of the Living Dead", you've been missing out. Go remedy that immediately. Also it goes without saying that you'll be madly in love with Linnea Quigley after viewing the film, and trust me when I say it, but that is a love that never dies...just like the love for this wonderful piece of trash as a whole.

30 Years of "Day of the Dead"

In 1968, George Romero unleashed the film that started the whole modern zombie craze that would last for decades with the original "Night of the Living Dead". A decade later, Romero would return with the superior (at least to me) sequel "Dawn of the Dead". Both films were revered by fans, and most critics believe it or not, and are viewed as classics of the genre all these years later. In 1985, Romero would release a third "Dead" film that he had hoped would be an epic conclusion to his zombie films, called "Day of the Dead". Romero had envisioned a grand magnum opus of blood, gore, and social commentary with the fate of the world and the human race in the balance...

...things didn't quite turn out that way.

"Day of the Dead" wasn't given much of a budget, and thus many of the big time set pieces Romero had planned out were scrapped and the film as a whole was scaled back. What was released in 1985 instead was a small-budgeted and often claustrophobic feeling zombie dirge that critics and audiences didn't receive well back then compared to "Night" and "Dawn". Over the years though, feelings towards the film have changed mightily.

For starters, "Day of the Dead" doesn't feature many (if at all) likeable characters, compared to "Night" and "Dawn" before it. Everyone seems to be some sort of caricature almost, and there's so much over the top scene-chewing acting from the principal performers that it becomes hard to take it seriously. That being said, Joe Pilato is perfect as the evil bastard Rhodes, and when we see him get ripped apart, it's so damn satisfying.

What really sets "Day of the Dead" apart from the previous two films are two things: first off being Bub: that loveable zombie that is being "rehabilitated" by mad scientist Dr. Logan. Howard Sherman (Sherman Howard) is wonderful in the role, with an expressive face under all that makeup. And speaking of makeup, the second thing that really sets "Day of the Dead" apart from the other films is the makeup and gore effects from Tom Savini. These effects are truly the benchmark in gore effects of the era (for zombie films anyway), and even helped steer the future of gore effects work by employing a young and inexperienced Greg Nicotero, who would go on to form the Oscar-winning and revered KNB Effects group and one of the men behind "The Walking Dead".

It's hard to believe that "Day of the Dead" is 30 years old...and now that I think about it's even harder to believe that "Land of the Dead" is 10 years old. The fourth Romero zombie film wouldn't come out until 20 years after this, which just goes to show you how much of a thud "Day of the Dead" landed on way back then upon its original release. Time has been much kinder to it however, so it's more than worth your time. It isn't anywhere near as prolific as "Night of the Dead" or "Dawn of the Dead" were before it, but it's certainly a super fun and blood soaked blast.

Reviewing the Third Season of "The Walking Dead"

Hello assholes, it's been a while I know. But since I'm back from the dead for time being, let's talk about the "dead" shall we? Case in point, the third season of "The Walking Dead". If anything from the time it started, this was a season in which it seemed like the fans got what they wanted from the get-go...before it felt like everything turned to shit and what seemed like so much promise that was built up just became nothing more than wasted potential. Be warned that spoilers are ahead for anyone who hasn't watched the third season yet, so read at your own risk.

Like I said, throughout the season it felt like the fans got they wanted in terms of a few things: Lori and Andrea get killed in horrible ways, Carol isn't annoying anymore, Merle comes back, and there's more Daryl. We also got to see what happened to Morgan, Michonne kicked ass, and after a bit of a rocky start, we saw The Governor become a pretty damn good villain. But for all the promise this season delivered, so much of it became wasted potential.

While we finally got to see Michonne and The Governor, it took a while for their characterizations to really make their mark. When they did though, both characters became magnetic and some of the best parts of this season. Their bloody showdown in Woodbury set the stage for The Governor really losing his shit, and his thirst for revenge against Michonne was wonderfully orchestrated.

On the other side of that, we got to see both Lori and Andrea bite the big one, and oh how satisfying it was. While Lori died in childbirth and Andrea died from being a fucking idiot, both deaths proved satisfying as both characters had become just so goddamn annoying and far from their comic book counterparts that seeing them both meet their demise was worth the wait. My biggest gripe with "The Walking Dead" in television form is how different the characters are portrayed on the show than they are in the comic: case in point Andrea. In the comic, she's awesome. She's a strong-willed, intelligent, and cool under pressure character that has been a fan favorite for years. On the show, she's a selfish bitch whose motivations change at the drop of the hat. With her dead now, maybe that will be the end of the show's tradition of poorly written female characters. Then again, probably not.

While I've chastised the show for veering down different paths than the comic, seeing Andrea die was a welcome deviation. Some things that made me want to pull my hair out, like The Governor still being alive, irked the shit out of me. Add to that what they've done to Carl lately, and I'm torn between yawning to myself and saying "this is fucking stupid" whenever I watch an episode. The fact that the show is now veering further from the comic also sets up a feeling of not knowing what to expect to happen next, which is one of the few reasons I continue to watch the show, just for the fact that I don't know what the fuck is going to happen next.

With all that said and done, the one thing I absolutely cannot stand is how AMC keeps on slashing the budget of the show. Glen Mazarra, who was the showrunner up to the end of this season, was shit-canned in favor of a showrunner who will make the show more "character driven", which is code for someone who will keep things going with only half the budget at his disposal. This isn't a surprise, considering AMC shitcanned Frank Darabont over the fallout the show's budget getting slashed because AMC is apparently run by "Mad Men" (other AMC shows, like "Breaking Bad" suffered the same fate, while "The Killing" got cancelled), but neither of those shows are the ratings juggernaut that "The Walking Dead" is. It's just infuriating that once again, here we are with budget cuts, all so "Mad Men" can keep moving forward.

All that aside, this season of "The Walking Dead" wasn't as much of a letdown as the second season was, as viewers got what they wanted for the most part, despite a particularly disappointing season finale.

Let's hope things get better come October, though I've got a sinking feeling that they probably won't.

10 Things I Want To See On "The Walking Dead" This Season.

The Walking Dead Compendium 1 By Kirkman, Robert/ Moore, Tony (ILT)/ Adlard, Charlie (ILT)/ Rathburn, Cliff (ILT)/ Wooton, Rus (CON) (Google Affiliate Ad)

Tonight is the big night. AMC's "The Walking Dead" returns to TV after what seems like forever. I personally felt last season wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it probably should have been, so I'm hoping that this season picks up mightily. What with new additions to the cast including the beloved Michonne and the debut of one of the greatest villains in recent comic book memory: The Governor. Though I'm fairly certain the impact The Governor has and just how evil a prick he is will be toned down for TV purposes, the fact remains that there is some major shit I want to see happen on this season of the show. So here we are with my Top 10 things I want to see happen on this season of "The Walking Dead". Be warned that possible spoilers are ahead.




10. Rick get his hand cut off.

One of the first scenes of major bloodshed to happen when Rick and The Governor butt heads is Rick getting his hand chopped off. Considering that Merle Dixon is part of The Governor's crew and he's more than likely holding a grudge against Rick for losing his own hand during his escape from Atlanta, I think it's a safe bet to see Rick get some vengeance cast down upon him, one way or another.



9. Michonne puts the sword to work.

Michonne is a beloved character, and rightfully so. Seeing the teases of her already with her sword and zombie companions, I think this is the safest bet of all. Graphic zombie decapitations? Sign me up.



8. Andrea stops being such a twat.

In the comics, Andrea just may be the toughest female protagonist around (next to Michonne, but we've known Andrea for longer). On the show, all she's done is seemingly cause more trouble for everyone involved, and make some plain dumbass decisions. "No Andrea, we don't want you handling a gun because you're not properly trained"..."Ok, train me and I promise I won't shoot anybody"...*proceeds to accidentally shoot Daryl*. Yeah, it looks like Andrea is going to have more of a major part this time around, and that some bad things are going to happen to her in the process. Hopefully this will lead to her becoming more of the tough, take no shit character from the comics we all know and love, and less of the whining twat she is on the show.



7. Carl becomes a badass.

Carl is an annoying kid on the show, that much is certain. He was in the comics too to a certain degree, but over time he became pretty damn badass for a kid, emulating his father Rick almost to a fault. I'd love to see Carl become more like his Dad (we've already seen hints of it) in terms of making hard decisions.



6. Daryl and Carol finally smash.

It's going to happen, one way or another. Just kick back and watch...and be just as confused and amazed as the rest of us.



5. A prison full of walkers...and worse.

Seeing the prison in all its glory is wonderful enough, but the promise of corridors and prison cells loaded with the undead and various other survivors is enough to make your mouth water. Granted I'm not sure if they'll introduce any of the four survivors that were found in the prison in the comics, but being able to see Rick and his crew clean the whole thing out will be awesome in itself.



4. The fallout from killing Shane.

There is a certain sort of fallout to happen from Rick killing Shane. Lori wasn't pleased, and chances are some others won't be either, and chances are no one is going to escape unscathed for what happened to Shane. It may not matter much in terms of storytelling going forward, but Rick's decision to do what he did (and what needed to be done) is going to play into his final words in last season's finale: "this isn't a democracy anymore".



3. The return of Merle Dixon.

He may have never existed in the comics (and neither did his brother) but I'm so fucking looking forward to seeing Merle back with one hand and a fistful of vengeance that it makes me more excited to see him than it does The Governor. That, and the fact that Merle is back gets me excited for what's next as well...



2. The reunion between Merle and Daryl.

Though they've never officially been together in any episode yet, seeing Merle and Daryl get re-united is going to be...well, it's going to be bad. Merle is a piece of shit and missing a hand, Daryl is...well, Daryl is fucking awesome and the most beloved character on the show. When these two get back together, blood will flow, one way or another.



1. Lori finally gets what she deserves.

If you've never read the comics, then I'm going to spoil some major shit for you here. Most of the characters in "The Walking Dead" get slaughtered by The Governor's people in the prison. It was a shocking moment to see, the most shocking of which was seeing Lori, with baby in hand, get mowed down to a bloody pulp. Now let it be said that Lori has come off as little more than a complete cunt on the show. She's managed to play Rick and Shane against each other, used Glenn as an errand boy, virtually ignore her son, and manage to successfully piss off just about everyone else for one thing or another. I would love to see Lori finally get whacked, just because I'm sick and tired of seeing and hearing her just make things worse for everybody involved.



That's all for now folks, I'll be back here in a few months when this season wraps, and hopefully it'll go a lot better than last season too.

The Zombie Apocalypse is Coming...Maybe

Saturday in Miami marked an event that is shaking to say the least. Police discovered a naked man eating the face of another man, and shot him repeatedly until he finally went down after taking a shot to the head. Let me just break this all down for you one last time to make sure you all get the big picture.

He. Ate. His. Face.

Hannibal Lecter in Miami? Maybe so, but according to reports, the perpetrator was under the influence of “bath salts”, which apparently is the codename of some new form of LSD. Before I go any further, let me say that I myself have done my share of LSD…and I for one have never felt the need to FUCKING EAT SOMEONE. Granted I spent an hour or so talking to trees one night, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, whatever this guy was on, it leads me to ponder one important thing: how close are we to the zombie apocalypse? It’s not every day that you’re strolling along and see someone eating a fellow human being. Nor is it particularly normal to shoot said cannibal and HE JUST KEEPS FUCKING EATING the boor bastard, but here we are. Yes folks, these “bath salts” the guy was allegedly on are nothing more than a media smokescreen to hide from us, the American people, that the zombie apocalypse is at hand.

Over the next few weeks, expect to hear similar stories across the country (and perhaps world) as people will be attacked on the streets and eaten alive, followed by our good friends hanging out in cemeteries rising from the grave. I’m fucking serious. Not to mention the fact that the supposed end of the world is right around the corner…coincidence? I think fucking not.

Be prepared everyone, the end is near…



…okay not really, but this is some pretty wild shit isn’t it?

Say no to drugs kids. One minute you’re having a blast, and next thing you know, you’re buck ass naked in public eating your best friend’s face.



Bollocks.

The Last Day on Earth...Maybe

It’s the end of the world.

Oceans will turn into blood.

The dead will rise from the grave.

Dogs and cats will be living together.

Yes sir, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and yes, I feel fine.

For the past few months, I’ve noticed a few of the billboards here in Philadelphia proclaiming that May 21st 2011 is the end of the world. No wait, May 21st is the Rapture, the world dies in October. No wait, this crew that was in Philly today says that the world will end at 6PM beginning with a massive earthquake that will travel all throughout the planet and eventually destroy it completely, obliterating anything and everything that’s “left behind” (sorry, couldn’t help it).

Oh, and the CDC is giving tips on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.

So which take on the end of the world works best for you?

Personally, I’m down with the whole zombies rising and ravaging throughout the planet, or more so with the whole let the prudes lose their clothes and ascend to Heaven while the rest of us sinners are left behind to rot (orgy at my place by the way). Now, anyone who knows me remotely well knows that I’m an atheist and not afraid to admit it either. That being said, I’m also usually not one to lambast anyone’s religious beliefs either, even when said beliefs include a specific date for the end of the world. The crew here in Philly I mentioned earlier? They also said the world would end in 1994, 1999, 2000, 2001, and 2006. So…here we are now I guess.

Where was I on September 9, 1999 (9/9/99) when the world was supposed to end? I skipped school and was in line to buy a Sega Dreamcast.

Where was I on June 6, 2006 (6/6/06, get it?) when the world was supposed to end? I was at the opening night for the shitty remake of “The Omen”. I wish the world would have ended that night so I didn’t have to see that piece of dogshit, but I digress.

So how am I going to be spending tomorrow, this new day that the world is supposed to end? Will I be masturbating with a crucifix up my ass while covered in my own feces? Will I be in church begging forgiveness for living a life of Godless heathenry? No…I don’t think so.

You’ll probably find me playing the new Mortal Kombat online…

…and Jesus hates me.

The Walking Dead: Season Review & Retrospect

WARNING: Spoilers are ahead, for both the first season of "The Walking Dead", as well as the comic from which it is based, as I attempt to predict what happens next.

The dead will rise...

...and boy how they have!

The first season of AMC's "The Walking Dead" has wrapped up, albeit it didn't take long considering that this season only consisted of six episodes. Nevertheless, for the course of this six-episode season, executive producer Frank Darabont and comic series creator Robert Kirkman have managed to craft a great adaptation of Kirkman's beloved comic series. After last night's finale however, just how faithful the show will be to the source material will remain to be seen...maybe.

Within the first six issues of the comic, Rick managed to re-unite with his family, and his old police partner Shane, along with other survivors like Andrea and Dale. While the show has retained these elements, the one thing that it hasn't done (at least not yet) is present the struggle and fatal blow-up between Rick and Shane. The first storyarc of the comic concluded with Rick's young son Carl killing Shane in defense of his father, who had gone a little looney over his affair with Rick's wife Lori coming to an abrupt end. While the show seems to be headed in that direction, I had almost figured that Shane would be wormfood by the finale, but he managed to escape the CDC with Rick and company before it erupted in flames.

On that subject, the fact that the crew went to the CDC is something that was NEVER in the comic. Kirkman himself stated that he had no idea the CDC was even based in Atlanta, even though a majority of the series takes place in Georgia and surrounding areas. Still, it was an interesting twist on the series thus far, which leads me to my next question to ponder: just what did Jenner whisper to Rick before everyone made a run for it?

My thoughts on what Jenner whispered to Rick is plain and simple, and will bring up the first major plot point of the show thus far: Lori is pregnant. In the comic, Lori revealed her pregnancy not long after Shane died, but the question abounded as to whether or not the baby was Rick's or Shane's. Considering that Jenner took blood tests from everyone upon entering the CDC, and his somewhat strage reply to Rick when he asked Jenner about the results, he more than likely told her that she's expecting. Another theory may be that Jenner saw Shane's drunken attempted assault on Lori. The building was wired and monitored, and maybe Jenner saw and/or heard the discussion between the two. Either way, I'll be wracking my head about it until next season.

Another plot point that I'm dying to see resolved is just what happened to Merle? We know he lopped off his own hand and made a run out of Atlanta, but after that is anyone's guess. There has been a lot of internet chatter that Merle is going to become the Governor. Anyone who has read the comic knows the kind of impact that the Governor had on Rick and company, and considering he's missing a hand, maybe his revenge on Rick will be lopping off his hand too, especially considering that Rick does horribly lose his hand in the comic.

The Governor, as well as the crew's time living in the shelter of the prison they discover, are two absolutely major story elements that really made the comic so incredible and unlike any other zombie/horror comic to hit the market before or since. Some of the other differences between the comic and the show include new characters like Merle and his brother Darrel, Andrea not being anywhere near as strong-willed on the show as she was in the comic (in the comic she killed her sister Amy before she ever came close to turning), and Shane comes off as way more sympathetic here than he ever did in the comic either. I know that Frank Darabont wants to make things more dramatic for the sake of TV, but if the prison AND Governor points are never touched upon, my interest in the show will seriously wane.

All that aside, this first season of "The Walking Dead" has been surprisingly impressive, and here's hoping that the best is yet to come...

...otherwise I'm going to be fucking pissed.

Trapped in Uwe Boll land

Why do I do this to myself?

Whenever I'm stricken with cases of boredom, I find myself browsing through the massive amount of shitty horror flicks that are offered by Netflix for instant streaming. Flicks that are so shitty, no one should ever see them? Ever hear of a little turd called "The Video Dead"? Or "Tales from the Crapper" (never a more fitting title in all of filmdom)? Of course you haven't, because you have the common sense not to be bothered with such filth. I on the other hand do not, and that is where this guy comes in...

...this guy named Uwe Boll.

Now fans of the horror genre and/or video games know right away who Uwe Boll is. He made a name for himself directing film adaptations of horror and/or shooter video games like "House of the Dead", "Alone in the Dark", "Blood Rayne", "Far Cry", and more besides; all of which (save for one, being the politically biting "Postal", which I find to be a guilty pleasure) are the definition of the term abysmal.

Recently though, Boll has been churning out a new breed of film other than abysmal video game adaptations: the ultra-violent, somehow socially relevant type of film if you will. Films like "Tunnel Rats", "Stoic", "Rampage", "Seed", and most recently "Attack on Darfur"; which presents an ultra-graphic and ultra-chilling portrait of the genocide that has been perpetrated there.

In between the abysmal video game takes and the somewhat socially conscious shockers, Boll has made one film that is downright ridiculous, 2007's "Postal". Based on an unbelievably shitty first person shooter that was more known for its shock value, "Postal" found Boll breaking all kinds of decency rules, whether it meant poking fun at 9/11 terrorists, George Bush (frolicking through a field with Osama Bin Laden), and even himself as he playfully talks of "funding his films with Nazi gold", which many (myself included) have accused him of for years now.

On the horizon, Boll has a slew of films on the way, including a third "Blood Rayne" movie, a superhero spoof called "Bluberella", and another ultra-graphic shocker called "Auschwitz", in which footage put on YouTube was found to be even a little too much for this old gorehound.

What's the point of all this you may ask? Who gives a shit about Uwe Boll? Well, thanks to the Netflix instant streaming I mentioned earlier, I don't have much choice, considering that a good chunk of his films are available to watch (some of which without even being released on DVD yet), and the fact that quite frankly, I never know what to expect from Boll.

A while back Boll made an infamous rant defending himself against his critics, claiming that his films weren't the same kind of boring shit to come from the Michael Bay's and Spielberg's of the world. Ain't that the truth.

Say what you will about him, and I have before myself (I always said that I thought his intention was to out-wood Ed Wood), but the one thing I can say in his defence is that no matter what kind of film he ends up crafting, they are most certainly never boring.

So if you have Netflix and want to watch something different for a change (I can't promise whether or not it'll be your cup of tea or not), I dare you to take a walk down Boll lane...

...whether or not you come back is another story entirely.

Cannibal Holocaust: The Myth, The Legend, The Dog Turd...

During this lovely October month, after compiling lists of my favorite underrated and essential horror films alike, I noticed that some feedback I had gotten involved a nasty little exploitation film that is the absolute definition of a "cult" film, just because of all the controversy it has garnered from the day it was filmed.

The film I'm talking about is "Cannibal Holocaust".

I was a teenager when I first about this film, which was first brought to my attention by Pantera and Down vocalist Phil Anselmo who frequently referenced it on Pantera's DVD as well as some lyrics when he was with Viking Crown. I became interested and immediately scoured the internet, which in 2000 wasn't nearly as massive and information filled as it is today, and managed to find some information out about it that really drew my interest...

Banned in 50 countries

So controversial that its director was sent to prison

The most violent and disgusting horror film ever conceived

And so on and so forth. My interest was quite peaked, and only a couple years later did I finally manage to track down an uncut VHS tape of the 1980 film that I had to have imported over here. And like that, I watched it...and the end results weren't pretty. When I say that however, I'm talking about the film itself...looking back on it now, it's dreadfully overrated.

Storyline wise, the plot revolves around an American anthropologist who travels to the South American jungle after a documentary film crew had disappeared. He recovers a reel of their footage, and soon learns the truth that this crew terrorized, tortured, raped, and murdered the cannibal natives in an effort to stage and sensationalize their documentary film...but never got the chance to because they all get what they deserve.

For starters, the reason that it has been banned in so many countries (many of which have lifted said ban) is not because of its violent content, but for the fact that it actually contains footage of animal cruelty and animal killing. A turtle, monkey, snake, and more so are all slaughtered before the camera, only because director Ruggero Deodato and his film crew were so deep in the amazon jungle without restrictions that he felt he could do just about anything he wanted. Deodato had desired to direct a cannibal film that satired the lengths the media goes to in presenting violent content to its audience, and wound up helping create the legend that goes along with his ultra-violent vision.

Upon the film's first cut and viewing, Deodato found himself arrested and charged with making a snuff movie. The deaths that take place in "Cannibal Holocaust" were so realistic that people thought Deodato actually had these people murdered. That in itself only adds to the "I have to see this for myself" factor of this film. In the end, Deodato would be cleared after presenting all of the actors as still alive, and even staged some effects shots and stunts to prove that it was all in fact fake.

With all that being said, on to the film itself. For the most part, after getting through Deodato's somewhat heavyhanded (though he denies it) approach to pointing the finger at the media, he doesn't make things easy to watch. The film is brutal and unforgiving in its content of murder, cannibalism, rape, and overall just plain cruelty. Even now at 26 and as cynical a gorehound as I've become, I have a hard time watching this thing all the way through. It isn't so much the gore that gets to me, it's just the nihlistic and cruel tone. It's practically pure sadism, which is the one thing I detest about all the torture horror flicks of today like the "Saw" series, and as much as I love horror and gore and all that nasty stuff, sadism just isn't my thing. Plus the acting and dubbing are occasionally atrocious, and Deodato's film technique is just...well...not very talented. Plus, seeing animals get slaughtered? Never more thankful for a fast-forward button in all my life. Needless to say, "Cannibal Holocaust" isn't just a horror film you can have fun with a couple beers to, but it does have its own philosophy to it, which is much more than nearly any horror film around today can offer.

Though "Cannibal Holocaust" may not have the household name of many other films of its ilk despite its somewhat nigh-legendary status, its effect on horror films today can still be seen. The whole handheld camera-POV-style of horror made popular by "The Blair Witch Project"? Thank "Cannibal Holocaust" for that. Without it, we wouldn't have "Blair Witch", or "Cloverfield", or "Diary of the Dead", or even my beloved "The Last Broadcast". This was the movie that set the stage for all of that and more, including all the generic torture flicks that are all the rage today as well.

So with October coming to a close, I fucking dare you to watch "Cannibal Holocaust" if you can get your mitts on it. A couple years back it finally made its way to uncut DVD form, and can still be found online. Watch it if you dare...



Happy Halloween!

Halloween Movies: The Essentials

In the wake of compiling all 50 of the Best Horror Movies You’ve Never Seen, and with Halloween fast approaching, one may wonder just what are the essential horror movies to watch on the nights leading up to the best holiday in all of existence. Well here is a small collection of ten flicks (in no particular order I might add) that are absolutely essential for Halloween viewing, whether it’s to prepare you for Halloween night, or to watch on Halloween night. Either way, you’re welcome:



HALLOWEEN (1978)
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, PJ Soles

You knew this was going to be on here. John Carpenter’s legendary slasher masterpiece is THE film to watch for Halloween, as it not only spawned a whole series of lesser sequels and shitty remakes, but practically created the slasher genre as a whole. To this day “Halloween” is perfect, and in no other sequel to follow has Michael Myers ever been as frightening as he is in this first film. Though light on the gore and explicit on-screen violence, “Halloween” still manages to send chills to the bone, and that my friends is what has helped make this film so timeless and enjoyable.



NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)
Director: George Romero
Starring: Duane Jones, Judith O’Dea, Karl Hardman

You knew this was going to be on here too. George Romero’s legendary black & white shocker was made all the more timeless thanks to its subtle yet cutting social commentary, which this film is as memorable for as it is for introducing viewers to the flesh-eating zombies that trap and terrify a handful of survivors in a Pittsburgh farmhouse. Though Romero’s follow up “Dawn of the Dead” is a better film in my opinion, “Night of the Living Dead” is definitely the more scarier of the two, and to this day that little zombie girl still freaks me out. What’s also worth noting here is that this film actually received a GOOD REMAKE in the early 90s, helmed by Romero’s longtime makeup effects partner Tom Savini.



A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)
Director: Wes Craven
Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp, Johnny Depp

The first, original, and best of all the “Elm Street” flicks, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” was a massive hit when first released, launched the career of Johnny Depp, took indie studio New Line Cinema to massive heights, and took director Wes Craven to a more sophisticated level of creativity. Most importantly however, was that it also introduced us to Freddy Kruger, the evil child murderer who takes his revenge on those who killed him by stalking and slaughtering their children in their dreams. Featuring groundbreaking camerawork and makeup effects, the original “A Nightmare on Elm Street” still scares to this day, and remains one of Craven’s absolute best efforts to date.



HELLRAISER (1987)
Director: Clive Barker
Starring: Andrew Robinson, Claire Higgins, Ashley Laurence

Adapting his own novella “The Hellbound Heart”, Clive Barker’s “Hellraiser” usually gets the label of being a slasher, though it is anything but. When the wicked Frank attempts to open the Lamont Configuration Puzzle Box, he unleashes a trio of sado-masochistic demons that promptly rip him apart. However, he begins to slowly come back to life when his half-brother and family move into his home after his alleged disappearance, leading up to a brutal showdown. Demented and oh so graphic, the original “Hellraiser” spawned a ton of lame sequels, and also introduced us to the iconic villain Pinhead, who appears here for two whole scenes (and isn’t even referred to as Pinhead in the credits). No matter what reputation “Hellraiser” may have, consider it essential viewing.




AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)
Director: John Landis
Starring: David Naughton, Jenny Agutter, Griffin Dunne

Quite possibly the best werewolf movie in existence, “An American Werewolf in London” is so perfect that no other werewolf film to come out after it (save for maybe the original “Howling”) can even come close to touching it. Featuring revolutionary effects work from Rick Baker, “An American Werewolf in London” has it all: pitch black gallows humor, a surprise ending, and so many shock moments that you won’t believe what you’re seeing. It may not have aged all that well, but this is one horror film that I myself will watch any time.



THE THING (1982)
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith David, Wilford Brimley

One of the few times a remake is better than the original, John Carpenter’s “The Thing” is an underrated horror classic. Opening the same weekend as “E.T.” (and subsequently bombing), Carpenter’s remake of “The Thing From Another World” is a downbeat and nihilistic tale of an arctic expedition team who discovers the existence of a terrifying alien life-form that can mimic and imitate anything it assimilates. One part cat & mouse game, one part guess who the alien is, John Carpenter’s “The Thing” is a cult classic for sure, and features some of the most graphic (and gross) revolutionary effects work in horror history. And speaking of aliens…



ALIEN (1979)
Director: Ridley Scott
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, John Hurt

Ridley Scott’s terrifying and claustrophobic space opus that launched a huge sci-fi/horror franchise and introduced us to one of the most badass female characters in all of film history, the original “Alien” is a masterpiece of “what’s hiding around the corner?” terror. It’s that anticipation of seeing the murderous alien creature, followed by bloody payoff, which still makes “Alien” so goddamned good to this day.



THE EXORCIST (1973)
Director: William Friedkin
Starring: Max Von Sydow, Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair

An Oscar winning horror favorite, the original “The Exorcist” remains possibly THE most frightening film ever conceived. No matter what one’s opinion on horror movies is in general, they’ve seen “The Exorcist” regardless, it’s just that universal. I myself can’t even say anything about this film that hasn’t been said plenty of other times before me, and will be said plenty of times long after I’ve left this mortal coil. “Your mother sucks cocks in hell”…brilliant.



FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Director: Sean S. Cunningham
Starring: Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King, Kevin Bacon

Though it isn’t a great movie per se, the original “Friday the 13th” is essential Halloween viewing regardless. A slasher that rips off John Carpenter’s “Halloween” as well as truly introduced us to the notion that if you smoke weed or have sex, you are guaranteed to die in a horrible and painful way. The film also introduces us to Jason Voorhees, though it’s before he dons the iconic hockey mask or even kills anyone. Oh yeah, this is worth seeing just to see a then unknown Kevin Bacon die one of the most creative and iconic ways in slasher movie history.



THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)
Director: Tobe Hooper
Starring: Marilyn Burns, Edwin Neal, Gunnar Hansen

Incorrectly remembered as being a gorefest (usually by people who’ve never seen it), the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is a documentary-ish look at an insane cannibal family that is for all intents and purposes relatively bloodless. Most of the violence that occurs in the film is implied, which shockingly makes it all the more frightening. That, and lead actress Marilyn Burns has one of the most piercing screams in all of horror history, which in itself makes this film hard to watch to this day. Still though, the original and best film in the whole damn series.



Well there we are folks, ten films to scare the shit out of you for Halloween if (for some reason) you've never seen them before. And if you have, watch them again to help celebrate Halloween in style...



...or I'll swallow your soul!

What do you think I should have included and/ or omitted? Discuss!!!