WHY I'M GOING TO MISS UWE BOLL

Uwe Boll is a unique man. As a director, he is singlehandedly responsible for some of the absolute worst video game adaptations known to man. These films aren't just terrible video game adaptations though, they're terrible movies in general. Go down the list and see for yourself:

House of the Dead
Alone in the Dark
Bloodrayne (three fucking films!)
In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (again, three fucking films!)
Far Cry
Postal (though I kind of dig it)

Not to mention the fact that he's helmed some terrible flicks not based on video games, like Seed, Assault on Wall Street, Rampage, Blubberella, Tunnel Rats, and more besides. I can sit here all day and shit on Uwe Boll like everyone else does, but you know what? I'm not doing that. We all know what kind of movies he makes, but goddammit, you kind of have to admire him for going out there and making these pieces of shit. Plus, in all honesty, some of his flicks really aren't anywhere near as bad as many make them out to be. Boll suffers from the fact that when his name is on something, it automatically gets hated on. Is the hate justified? Well, kind of...but it really isn't more often than you may think.

News broke recently that Boll is allegedly retiring from filmmaking. If in fact true, many of the neck bearded trolls of the internet will be cumming in their pants over the news...until they realize they have one less filmmaker to bitch about.

I for one will miss Uwe Boll and his "talents". You can say whatever you want about Boll and his films, i.e. that he's an asshole and his films are garbage (and that's not false either), but I will personally miss the fact that I'll get to see whatever new trainwreck of a flick he manages to scoop out of his ass. Nine times out of ten, no matter how bad his films are, they wind up being somewhat entertaining in spite of their awfulness...mostly because you never know what the fuck is going to happen next.

So long Uwe, we hardly knew ye.

Trapped in Uwe Boll land

Why do I do this to myself?

Whenever I'm stricken with cases of boredom, I find myself browsing through the massive amount of shitty horror flicks that are offered by Netflix for instant streaming. Flicks that are so shitty, no one should ever see them? Ever hear of a little turd called "The Video Dead"? Or "Tales from the Crapper" (never a more fitting title in all of filmdom)? Of course you haven't, because you have the common sense not to be bothered with such filth. I on the other hand do not, and that is where this guy comes in...

...this guy named Uwe Boll.

Now fans of the horror genre and/or video games know right away who Uwe Boll is. He made a name for himself directing film adaptations of horror and/or shooter video games like "House of the Dead", "Alone in the Dark", "Blood Rayne", "Far Cry", and more besides; all of which (save for one, being the politically biting "Postal", which I find to be a guilty pleasure) are the definition of the term abysmal.

Recently though, Boll has been churning out a new breed of film other than abysmal video game adaptations: the ultra-violent, somehow socially relevant type of film if you will. Films like "Tunnel Rats", "Stoic", "Rampage", "Seed", and most recently "Attack on Darfur"; which presents an ultra-graphic and ultra-chilling portrait of the genocide that has been perpetrated there.

In between the abysmal video game takes and the somewhat socially conscious shockers, Boll has made one film that is downright ridiculous, 2007's "Postal". Based on an unbelievably shitty first person shooter that was more known for its shock value, "Postal" found Boll breaking all kinds of decency rules, whether it meant poking fun at 9/11 terrorists, George Bush (frolicking through a field with Osama Bin Laden), and even himself as he playfully talks of "funding his films with Nazi gold", which many (myself included) have accused him of for years now.

On the horizon, Boll has a slew of films on the way, including a third "Blood Rayne" movie, a superhero spoof called "Bluberella", and another ultra-graphic shocker called "Auschwitz", in which footage put on YouTube was found to be even a little too much for this old gorehound.

What's the point of all this you may ask? Who gives a shit about Uwe Boll? Well, thanks to the Netflix instant streaming I mentioned earlier, I don't have much choice, considering that a good chunk of his films are available to watch (some of which without even being released on DVD yet), and the fact that quite frankly, I never know what to expect from Boll.

A while back Boll made an infamous rant defending himself against his critics, claiming that his films weren't the same kind of boring shit to come from the Michael Bay's and Spielberg's of the world. Ain't that the truth.

Say what you will about him, and I have before myself (I always said that I thought his intention was to out-wood Ed Wood), but the one thing I can say in his defence is that no matter what kind of film he ends up crafting, they are most certainly never boring.

So if you have Netflix and want to watch something different for a change (I can't promise whether or not it'll be your cup of tea or not), I dare you to take a walk down Boll lane...

...whether or not you come back is another story entirely.