The Walking Dead V The Walking Butthurt: Dawn of Bullshit

As most (if not all) of you know, there was a time when I really, legitimately loved "The Walking Dead". The comics, the show, everything. That however, was a long time ago. I got tired of the comics, I got super tired of the TV show, and I got just plain bored with the whole marketing blitz/cash-cow that the whole property has become (in hindsight though, I'm happy that Robert Kirkman and Image Comics have raked in the cash though; both deserve it wholeheartedly, and it's proof that indie comics can still be a force to be reckoned with).

Anyway, it's been a long time since I've watched "The Walking Dead", although I've been hearing plenty about it, namely the long-awaited introduction of Negan and the promise that he'll whack a major character. In the comics, when Negan made his first appearance, he slaughtered long time fan-favorite character Glen in brutal fashion. Most people seem to think the show is going to swap out Glen for Daryl, but apparently everyone's going to have to wait until the start of the new season to see whose brains Negan bashes in.

That's right, after weeks and weeks of teasing, fans now have to wait months to see who gets killed. And, knowing how this show goes with dragging shit out, it probably won't get revealed until the end of the season premiere...or hell, maybe even later.

This show sure likes to be a fucking cock tease eh?

For all the faults of the comic, one thing it didn't do was drag shit out. When major shit would hit the fan, it would hit fast and out of nowhere. That's one of the things that made me fall in love with it way back when. The show on the other hand...well, it's always liked to make you wait. You can label it whatever you want, but it's the truth.

Now truth be told, I don't care what develops on the show and what doesn't. The main reason I'm writing about this right now is because seeing all the butthurt fanboys crying about boycotting the show and making petitions to fire showrunner Scott Gimple (then again, this show goes through showrunners like you wouldn't believe) are just a little too much.

We get it, you're pissed. And I'm not saying you shouldn't be either. But if you're really that pissed off about the whole thing, you should prove it by not tuning into the show when it comes back in October. Show some conviction instead of whining about it on the internet only to go back to it when it comes back on air and then sing its praises after.

But no, that's not what's going to happen, and we all know it too.

If there's one silver lining to all this, it's seeing the butthurt fanboys going against the die hard fans defending this bullshit.

Why "The Walking Dead" Should Die.

Where do I begin?

I remember over a decade ago when I first heard about "The Walking Dead". It was a new comic from Image that was in black and white and promised a never-ending zombie apocalypse survival story...and it delivered. It provided many memorable characters, genuine shocks, and a legitimate feeling of surprise because you never knew what the fuck was going to happen next. Fan favorite characters would get whacked out of nowhere, and it introduced one of the best villains in the history of modern comic books.

In the process of becoming a smash hit comic book (and this was right before the zombie craze really took off mind you), "The Walking Dead" also spawned a smash hit TV show (and an upcoming spin off of said TV show), hordes of merchandise, action figures, and all kinds of other shit too. Needless to say, Robert Kirkman's "The Walking Dead" has become a global phenomenon and sale juggernaut in just a little over a decade.

So why don't I give a shit about the property as a whole anymore?

Well, to put it bluntly, I got bored. Sad as it is to say, I just got bored. I don't mean just with the TV show either (THAT is a whole other story), but the whole damn property just bores the shit out of me. The same goes for the comics. We're well over a hundred issues (I think it's close to 125ish if I'm not mistaken?), and I tuned out long before that. I mean the idea of a never-ending zombie epic sounds good on paper, but after a while, what else can you really do with it? I mean we've had some sick fuck villains, but everything after The Governor just didn't feel as scary honestly (including Negan, that's right I said it). Same formula: "we have to move, it's not safe...okay we moved we're safe...fuck, we're not safe, these people aren't who we thought they were"...rinse, repeat. Not to mention the fact that we all know anyone can die at any moment...but we all know that Rick and Carl (to a lesser extent) are pretty much untouchable. The only time one (or both) of them bite the dust is when the series comes to an end...and that's probably not happening anytime soon.

Creator Robert Kirkman recently said in an interview that he (paraphrasing here) has a vision for where the series (meaning the TV show, not necessarily the comic) will conclude. Now it's easier to have a comic book run for hundreds of issues than for a TV show to run for ten seasons mind you, but it's just the point that this dead horse is going to keep getting beaten into oblivion. Like I said, after a while, how much more shit can you really pump out in this kind of thing that doesn't feel stale?

Now I know that this whole media juggernaut has a rabid fanbase, and that's all well and good. "The Walking Dead" as a comic managed to help Image Comics really challenge Marvel and DC as a big time comic book company, the comic itself managed to re-invigorate the horror comic genre, and the TV show was the beginning of seeing more horror shows hit the TV airwaves. So yeah, it has its place in history without a doubt...

...but everything has to come to an end sooner or later. And maybe "The Walking Dead" should be laid to rest...finally.

30 Years of "Day of the Dead"

In 1968, George Romero unleashed the film that started the whole modern zombie craze that would last for decades with the original "Night of the Living Dead". A decade later, Romero would return with the superior (at least to me) sequel "Dawn of the Dead". Both films were revered by fans, and most critics believe it or not, and are viewed as classics of the genre all these years later. In 1985, Romero would release a third "Dead" film that he had hoped would be an epic conclusion to his zombie films, called "Day of the Dead". Romero had envisioned a grand magnum opus of blood, gore, and social commentary with the fate of the world and the human race in the balance...

...things didn't quite turn out that way.

"Day of the Dead" wasn't given much of a budget, and thus many of the big time set pieces Romero had planned out were scrapped and the film as a whole was scaled back. What was released in 1985 instead was a small-budgeted and often claustrophobic feeling zombie dirge that critics and audiences didn't receive well back then compared to "Night" and "Dawn". Over the years though, feelings towards the film have changed mightily.

For starters, "Day of the Dead" doesn't feature many (if at all) likeable characters, compared to "Night" and "Dawn" before it. Everyone seems to be some sort of caricature almost, and there's so much over the top scene-chewing acting from the principal performers that it becomes hard to take it seriously. That being said, Joe Pilato is perfect as the evil bastard Rhodes, and when we see him get ripped apart, it's so damn satisfying.

What really sets "Day of the Dead" apart from the previous two films are two things: first off being Bub: that loveable zombie that is being "rehabilitated" by mad scientist Dr. Logan. Howard Sherman (Sherman Howard) is wonderful in the role, with an expressive face under all that makeup. And speaking of makeup, the second thing that really sets "Day of the Dead" apart from the other films is the makeup and gore effects from Tom Savini. These effects are truly the benchmark in gore effects of the era (for zombie films anyway), and even helped steer the future of gore effects work by employing a young and inexperienced Greg Nicotero, who would go on to form the Oscar-winning and revered KNB Effects group and one of the men behind "The Walking Dead".

It's hard to believe that "Day of the Dead" is 30 years old...and now that I think about it's even harder to believe that "Land of the Dead" is 10 years old. The fourth Romero zombie film wouldn't come out until 20 years after this, which just goes to show you how much of a thud "Day of the Dead" landed on way back then upon its original release. Time has been much kinder to it however, so it's more than worth your time. It isn't anywhere near as prolific as "Night of the Dead" or "Dawn of the Dead" were before it, but it's certainly a super fun and blood soaked blast.

Reviewing the Third Season of "The Walking Dead"

Hello assholes, it's been a while I know. But since I'm back from the dead for time being, let's talk about the "dead" shall we? Case in point, the third season of "The Walking Dead". If anything from the time it started, this was a season in which it seemed like the fans got what they wanted from the get-go...before it felt like everything turned to shit and what seemed like so much promise that was built up just became nothing more than wasted potential. Be warned that spoilers are ahead for anyone who hasn't watched the third season yet, so read at your own risk.

Like I said, throughout the season it felt like the fans got they wanted in terms of a few things: Lori and Andrea get killed in horrible ways, Carol isn't annoying anymore, Merle comes back, and there's more Daryl. We also got to see what happened to Morgan, Michonne kicked ass, and after a bit of a rocky start, we saw The Governor become a pretty damn good villain. But for all the promise this season delivered, so much of it became wasted potential.

While we finally got to see Michonne and The Governor, it took a while for their characterizations to really make their mark. When they did though, both characters became magnetic and some of the best parts of this season. Their bloody showdown in Woodbury set the stage for The Governor really losing his shit, and his thirst for revenge against Michonne was wonderfully orchestrated.

On the other side of that, we got to see both Lori and Andrea bite the big one, and oh how satisfying it was. While Lori died in childbirth and Andrea died from being a fucking idiot, both deaths proved satisfying as both characters had become just so goddamn annoying and far from their comic book counterparts that seeing them both meet their demise was worth the wait. My biggest gripe with "The Walking Dead" in television form is how different the characters are portrayed on the show than they are in the comic: case in point Andrea. In the comic, she's awesome. She's a strong-willed, intelligent, and cool under pressure character that has been a fan favorite for years. On the show, she's a selfish bitch whose motivations change at the drop of the hat. With her dead now, maybe that will be the end of the show's tradition of poorly written female characters. Then again, probably not.

While I've chastised the show for veering down different paths than the comic, seeing Andrea die was a welcome deviation. Some things that made me want to pull my hair out, like The Governor still being alive, irked the shit out of me. Add to that what they've done to Carl lately, and I'm torn between yawning to myself and saying "this is fucking stupid" whenever I watch an episode. The fact that the show is now veering further from the comic also sets up a feeling of not knowing what to expect to happen next, which is one of the few reasons I continue to watch the show, just for the fact that I don't know what the fuck is going to happen next.

With all that said and done, the one thing I absolutely cannot stand is how AMC keeps on slashing the budget of the show. Glen Mazarra, who was the showrunner up to the end of this season, was shit-canned in favor of a showrunner who will make the show more "character driven", which is code for someone who will keep things going with only half the budget at his disposal. This isn't a surprise, considering AMC shitcanned Frank Darabont over the fallout the show's budget getting slashed because AMC is apparently run by "Mad Men" (other AMC shows, like "Breaking Bad" suffered the same fate, while "The Killing" got cancelled), but neither of those shows are the ratings juggernaut that "The Walking Dead" is. It's just infuriating that once again, here we are with budget cuts, all so "Mad Men" can keep moving forward.

All that aside, this season of "The Walking Dead" wasn't as much of a letdown as the second season was, as viewers got what they wanted for the most part, despite a particularly disappointing season finale.

Let's hope things get better come October, though I've got a sinking feeling that they probably won't.

It's the End of the World (Again). Here's Your "Fuck It List" of Shit to Do Before You Burn

Ah yes folks, it's that time of year again. No, not Christmas, but the end of the world. However, unlike all the other failed doomsday prophecies, the end of the world on 12/21/2012 has some hype behind it. Namely the fact that it's the end of the Mayan calandar, which supposedly has some bearing as to when the world will officially end. Unlike the last few times when it was all "rapture" this and "second coming" that, this doomsday scenario has been talked about quite a bit over the years, and was even the subject of a John Cusack-starring flick from the director of "Independence Day"...and if there's any true source of credibility, it's from the director of "Independence Day".

We've heard it all before: fire & brimstone, the dead rising from the grave, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Regardless of how exactly the world ends: Jesus comes down, zombies take over the planet, the whole fucking thing blows up, etc., it's times like this that you have to wonder what you would do in your final hours...and this my friends is a handy guide as to how you should spend your last hours on Earth, which I like to call the "Fuck It List". The first thought that may pop up in your head is "I want to spend them with my friends, family, and loved ones", which is all well in good for most of you, but for the rest of you degenerates (myself included), this is what you should do...so just say fuck it and go balls to the wall...



Eat a whole shitload of cake and ice cream. Why not be gluttonous? Fuck it.

Get absolutely mangled, steal a golf cart, and go for a nice, soothing drive down a freeway in the opposite direction. Fuck it.

Try meth for the first time ever. Or if you're feeling adventurous, try to cook it. If the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" can do it, why can't you? Fuck it.

Drive to Carlos Mencia's house and kick him in the groin repeatedly while wearing steel-toed boots. He deserves it. Fuck it.

Go to the Westboro Baptist Church, firebomb it, and then protest when the fire department comes to put out the flames. Fuck it (and fuck them too).

Go bareback a trannie hooker that only charges 10 bucks for a half and half. Fuck it.

Act like you're robbing bank, but right in the middle of it, strip bare ass naked and start singing "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. Fuck it.

Don't feel the need to hide the fact that you're masturbating in public and crawl out of the bush you're hidden behind on your hot neighbor's lawn. Fuck it.

Tell your ex-girlfriend you have AIDS. Fuck it.

Bang your best friend's mom after all the years of dreaming about it. Or at least try to. Fuck it.

Walk into a Home Depot or Lowes and take a shit in one of the display toilets, Jackass style. Fuck it.

Kick a gorilla in the balls. Fuck it.

Watch "The Hobbit" and try not to fall asleep. Fuck it.

Tell everyone you thought "Avengers" sucked. Fuck it.

Steal a police car, a badge, and a uniform. Pull random people over...and give full cavity searches. Fuck it.



Well now, there aren't many days left until the end of times, so stop reading this and get your asses out there. Remember folks, if you can't help the fact that you're going out kicking and screaming, at least go out with style and with a bang. After all, what's the harm in having a little fun before ya kick the bucket right? Fuck it.





Let it be known that this "Fuck It List" is meant to be a parody only. Please only take it as seriously as you take the notion of the world coming to an end on 12/21. And please, when you bareback that trannie hooker, make him/her call you Big John Studd.

Good night and good luck.

The Zombie Apocalypse is Coming...Maybe

Saturday in Miami marked an event that is shaking to say the least. Police discovered a naked man eating the face of another man, and shot him repeatedly until he finally went down after taking a shot to the head. Let me just break this all down for you one last time to make sure you all get the big picture.

He. Ate. His. Face.

Hannibal Lecter in Miami? Maybe so, but according to reports, the perpetrator was under the influence of “bath salts”, which apparently is the codename of some new form of LSD. Before I go any further, let me say that I myself have done my share of LSD…and I for one have never felt the need to FUCKING EAT SOMEONE. Granted I spent an hour or so talking to trees one night, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, whatever this guy was on, it leads me to ponder one important thing: how close are we to the zombie apocalypse? It’s not every day that you’re strolling along and see someone eating a fellow human being. Nor is it particularly normal to shoot said cannibal and HE JUST KEEPS FUCKING EATING the boor bastard, but here we are. Yes folks, these “bath salts” the guy was allegedly on are nothing more than a media smokescreen to hide from us, the American people, that the zombie apocalypse is at hand.

Over the next few weeks, expect to hear similar stories across the country (and perhaps world) as people will be attacked on the streets and eaten alive, followed by our good friends hanging out in cemeteries rising from the grave. I’m fucking serious. Not to mention the fact that the supposed end of the world is right around the corner…coincidence? I think fucking not.

Be prepared everyone, the end is near…



…okay not really, but this is some pretty wild shit isn’t it?

Say no to drugs kids. One minute you’re having a blast, and next thing you know, you’re buck ass naked in public eating your best friend’s face.



Bollocks.

The Last Day on Earth...Maybe

It’s the end of the world.

Oceans will turn into blood.

The dead will rise from the grave.

Dogs and cats will be living together.

Yes sir, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and yes, I feel fine.

For the past few months, I’ve noticed a few of the billboards here in Philadelphia proclaiming that May 21st 2011 is the end of the world. No wait, May 21st is the Rapture, the world dies in October. No wait, this crew that was in Philly today says that the world will end at 6PM beginning with a massive earthquake that will travel all throughout the planet and eventually destroy it completely, obliterating anything and everything that’s “left behind” (sorry, couldn’t help it).

Oh, and the CDC is giving tips on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.

So which take on the end of the world works best for you?

Personally, I’m down with the whole zombies rising and ravaging throughout the planet, or more so with the whole let the prudes lose their clothes and ascend to Heaven while the rest of us sinners are left behind to rot (orgy at my place by the way). Now, anyone who knows me remotely well knows that I’m an atheist and not afraid to admit it either. That being said, I’m also usually not one to lambast anyone’s religious beliefs either, even when said beliefs include a specific date for the end of the world. The crew here in Philly I mentioned earlier? They also said the world would end in 1994, 1999, 2000, 2001, and 2006. So…here we are now I guess.

Where was I on September 9, 1999 (9/9/99) when the world was supposed to end? I skipped school and was in line to buy a Sega Dreamcast.

Where was I on June 6, 2006 (6/6/06, get it?) when the world was supposed to end? I was at the opening night for the shitty remake of “The Omen”. I wish the world would have ended that night so I didn’t have to see that piece of dogshit, but I digress.

So how am I going to be spending tomorrow, this new day that the world is supposed to end? Will I be masturbating with a crucifix up my ass while covered in my own feces? Will I be in church begging forgiveness for living a life of Godless heathenry? No…I don’t think so.

You’ll probably find me playing the new Mortal Kombat online…

…and Jesus hates me.