Your Guide to Properly Enjoying Easter

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is satirical (for the most part) and not meant to be taken seriously in the least. While I myself am an atheist and don’t believe in any of this Easter or Jesus stuff, I am in no means shit-talking those that do believe in this sort of thing. We live in a free country and have the right to believe or not believe in whatever we want to. For example, I don’t believe in omnipotent beings passing judgment on us, but I do believe in evolution, where as a majority of Christians believe in said omnipotent being but believe evolution is ludicrous and that those that believe in it should be publicly executed as an example for those that speak against God. In other words, relax folks; I’m just trying to have a bit of fun here.



Oh shit, it’s Easter. That time of year when we’re all reminded that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and such…and we get reminded of that constantly. So what does Jesus rising from the dead have to do with rabbits and coloring eggs? Fuck if I know, but that’s the way things are for whatever reason, and if you believe any different, well…shame on you and all that I guess. In celebration of Zombie Jesus day, here’s a list of how to properly celebrate this bullshit holiday:



Eat a rabbit

Fuck a rabbit

Fuck then eat the rabbit

Drop some acid then attempt egg coloring and pray that your head doesn’t explode when you start seeing swirling colors

Watch that episode of “South Park” where Stan questions the intricacies of Easter and slowly realize that holy-fucking-shit this makes a whole lot of sense

Go on an Easter egg hunt naked

Go find an Easter egg hunt in progress while dressed up like the Frank rabbit from “Donnie Darko”, find a random kid and tell him about when the world will end

Watch a marathon of quasi-Easter-related films: “The Crow”, “Dawn of the Dead”, “Last Temptation of Christ”, etc.

Hate yourself because you’re Catholic and it’s your fault Jesus was killed in the first place

Repeatedly punch yourself in the crotch for reading this blog



HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

Macho Man...he died so we could live!

So…the world didn’t end.

SURPRISE MUTHAFUCKAS!!!!!!!

But seriously though, we knew there wouldn’t be a “rapture” (although I’m starting to really love that word), that no one would be left behind, and that the world as a whole wouldn’t come screeching to an end either.

So who do we have to thank for still being alive? Could it be Macho Man Randy Savage? Fuck to the yes I think it could!!!

The legendary WWF pro wrestler passed away Friday after suffering a heart attack while driving, and thus headed to the big ring in the sky. Could it be that as the above picture so beautifully describes he elbow dropped Jesus in the dome to stop him from bringing an end to all creation? Why the fuck not? There was no one that didn’t love the Macho Man, just like there was virtually no one who believed that the fucking world would come to an end today.

And yes, for the record, I love the aforementioned picture; I think that it’s equally hilarious and brilliant. I know everything I just typed above is absolutely ludicrous as well…and truth be told, it’s about as ludicrous as some assholes pinpointing the exact end of all time. We’re all still alive and breathing, and we all still have to go to work in the morning, take care of ourselves, and above all else, are responsible for our own actions and all that other happy horseshit.

Happy non-rapture day everybody, turns out it’ll be a bit more time until we’re all burning in hell with red hot pokers shoved up our asses and forced to watch Michael Bay films non-stop (and that’s the real torture), so until then, have a blast.



Randy Savage, R.I.P.

The Last Day on Earth...Maybe

It’s the end of the world.

Oceans will turn into blood.

The dead will rise from the grave.

Dogs and cats will be living together.

Yes sir, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and yes, I feel fine.

For the past few months, I’ve noticed a few of the billboards here in Philadelphia proclaiming that May 21st 2011 is the end of the world. No wait, May 21st is the Rapture, the world dies in October. No wait, this crew that was in Philly today says that the world will end at 6PM beginning with a massive earthquake that will travel all throughout the planet and eventually destroy it completely, obliterating anything and everything that’s “left behind” (sorry, couldn’t help it).

Oh, and the CDC is giving tips on how to survive a zombie apocalypse.

So which take on the end of the world works best for you?

Personally, I’m down with the whole zombies rising and ravaging throughout the planet, or more so with the whole let the prudes lose their clothes and ascend to Heaven while the rest of us sinners are left behind to rot (orgy at my place by the way). Now, anyone who knows me remotely well knows that I’m an atheist and not afraid to admit it either. That being said, I’m also usually not one to lambast anyone’s religious beliefs either, even when said beliefs include a specific date for the end of the world. The crew here in Philly I mentioned earlier? They also said the world would end in 1994, 1999, 2000, 2001, and 2006. So…here we are now I guess.

Where was I on September 9, 1999 (9/9/99) when the world was supposed to end? I skipped school and was in line to buy a Sega Dreamcast.

Where was I on June 6, 2006 (6/6/06, get it?) when the world was supposed to end? I was at the opening night for the shitty remake of “The Omen”. I wish the world would have ended that night so I didn’t have to see that piece of dogshit, but I digress.

So how am I going to be spending tomorrow, this new day that the world is supposed to end? Will I be masturbating with a crucifix up my ass while covered in my own feces? Will I be in church begging forgiveness for living a life of Godless heathenry? No…I don’t think so.

You’ll probably find me playing the new Mortal Kombat online…

…and Jesus hates me.

How to tell if you're a tool: the Christmas edition

There's being a tool any other regular day of the week, but there's being a Christmas tool too. How does one tell whether or not they are a Christmas tool or not? Well folks, just take a look at the list below to get an idea about just what makes one a Christmas tool, and if you are...well, maybe it's time to switch religions...or just not give a shit. Your call either way, but now let's get on to the list...

You're a Christmas tool if:

Your electric bill jumps significantly by the time you've set up all your lights all over your house.

If you spend more than an hour decorating.

If you have a pet and you get them a Christmas-themed outfit (or any outfit for that matter) for them to wear. All the poor animal is thinking the whole time is "oh God get this shit off me, this is embarassing for both of us".

If you actually get up at 3 or 4 morning to go out shopping on Black Friday. You people drive me nuts.

If you dress up as Santa and tell chicks to sit on your lap or if they want a candy cane ('cause I would never do something like that, nope, not at all).

If you watch "It's a Wonderful Life" every year. People who've never seen this movie know it by heart, that's how ingrained it is to our culture...and try telling that guy who works at McDonalds making minimum wage for his family how wonderful of a life it is.

If you're that asshole who is all over the place at a Christmas party holding missletoe. No one wants to kiss you.

If you've ever made yourself a missletoe belt-buckle (guilty).

If you go get a tree the night before Christmas.

If you're at the strip club on Christmas eve. Take a night off, seriously.

If you post the lyrics to "12 Days of Christmas" day by day on Facebook, AKA your name is Seth Szajek.

If you really think Christmas is more important than any other holiday in any other religion. Regardless of the origins behind Christmas, it has been degraded into nothing more than a commercial, Hallmark holiday that represents the capitalist ideals of our country to the max. If you really think there's any more to it than that, go fuck yourself. Jesus never wanted an XBox...maybe.



That's all folks. Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and all that other happy horseshit.