It's the End of the World (Again). Here's Your "Fuck It List" of Shit to Do Before You Burn

Ah yes folks, it's that time of year again. No, not Christmas, but the end of the world. However, unlike all the other failed doomsday prophecies, the end of the world on 12/21/2012 has some hype behind it. Namely the fact that it's the end of the Mayan calandar, which supposedly has some bearing as to when the world will officially end. Unlike the last few times when it was all "rapture" this and "second coming" that, this doomsday scenario has been talked about quite a bit over the years, and was even the subject of a John Cusack-starring flick from the director of "Independence Day"...and if there's any true source of credibility, it's from the director of "Independence Day".

We've heard it all before: fire & brimstone, the dead rising from the grave, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Regardless of how exactly the world ends: Jesus comes down, zombies take over the planet, the whole fucking thing blows up, etc., it's times like this that you have to wonder what you would do in your final hours...and this my friends is a handy guide as to how you should spend your last hours on Earth, which I like to call the "Fuck It List". The first thought that may pop up in your head is "I want to spend them with my friends, family, and loved ones", which is all well in good for most of you, but for the rest of you degenerates (myself included), this is what you should do...so just say fuck it and go balls to the wall...



Eat a whole shitload of cake and ice cream. Why not be gluttonous? Fuck it.

Get absolutely mangled, steal a golf cart, and go for a nice, soothing drive down a freeway in the opposite direction. Fuck it.

Try meth for the first time ever. Or if you're feeling adventurous, try to cook it. If the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" can do it, why can't you? Fuck it.

Drive to Carlos Mencia's house and kick him in the groin repeatedly while wearing steel-toed boots. He deserves it. Fuck it.

Go to the Westboro Baptist Church, firebomb it, and then protest when the fire department comes to put out the flames. Fuck it (and fuck them too).

Go bareback a trannie hooker that only charges 10 bucks for a half and half. Fuck it.

Act like you're robbing bank, but right in the middle of it, strip bare ass naked and start singing "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. Fuck it.

Don't feel the need to hide the fact that you're masturbating in public and crawl out of the bush you're hidden behind on your hot neighbor's lawn. Fuck it.

Tell your ex-girlfriend you have AIDS. Fuck it.

Bang your best friend's mom after all the years of dreaming about it. Or at least try to. Fuck it.

Walk into a Home Depot or Lowes and take a shit in one of the display toilets, Jackass style. Fuck it.

Kick a gorilla in the balls. Fuck it.

Watch "The Hobbit" and try not to fall asleep. Fuck it.

Tell everyone you thought "Avengers" sucked. Fuck it.

Steal a police car, a badge, and a uniform. Pull random people over...and give full cavity searches. Fuck it.



Well now, there aren't many days left until the end of times, so stop reading this and get your asses out there. Remember folks, if you can't help the fact that you're going out kicking and screaming, at least go out with style and with a bang. After all, what's the harm in having a little fun before ya kick the bucket right? Fuck it.





Let it be known that this "Fuck It List" is meant to be a parody only. Please only take it as seriously as you take the notion of the world coming to an end on 12/21. And please, when you bareback that trannie hooker, make him/her call you Big John Studd.

Good night and good luck.

Trapped in the Closet: The Ridiculous Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum is a piece of dogshit.

But chances are, you knew that already.

The Republican Presidential candidate hopeful is by and large the most bigoted, hateful, ignorant politician I think I’ve ever seen. Yes folks, he beats Bush Jr. and Reagan hands down in terms of being a total piece of elitist garbage, just for the fact that he takes things so much further based on one simple fact: Rick Santorum is so far in the closet that there’s little help of getting him out of it.

He hates Gays so much that he should be running to overthrow Fred Phelps for being the leader of the Westboro Baptist Church instead of making a mockery of the Republican Party. And yes folks, you read that last sentence correctly: someone is actually making a mockery of the Republican Party. For that achievement alone, Santorum should get some kind of award. That, and the fact that his last name is now used as the description of what is basically ass-froth is so fitting for this piece of shit that it can’t help but make you smile a little just whenever you hear his name…well, at least for a little bit anyway before he goes and ruins it by talking.

Just recently Santorum decided to tell people that John F. Kennedy’s speech regarding the separation of Church and State “made him sick”. So in addition to being a super-closeted homosexual, Santorum is also a religious zealot. Also, he believes that women shouldn’t have any rights whatsoever. If it were up to him, every woman in America would be chained up in the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant, and popping out babies year after year, because that’s what Santorum’s “America” is all about.

So, let’s narrow this down folks:

Santorum hates Gays.

Santorum hates believes women should have no rights, birth control or otherwise.

Santorum believes Church and State should be united as one.

Santorum believes Christianity is the only religion that should be recognized and that all other religions should be abolished.

Santorum believes that colleges and any form of higher learning are evil.



Sum all this up and who does Rick Santorum sound like? He sounds like Adolf fucking Hitler, that’s who.

This guy is ridiculous, and occasionally he gets hilariously ridiculous with his bullshit, but all the same sometimes he comes off as just flat-out frightening too. Please, no matter your political affiliation, don’t let this guy get anywhere in the political world.

Oh, and if you’re a woman and you’re actually for what Santorum stands for, you should be fucking ashamed of yourself.

Alive & Well...?

Last Thursday I turned 26.

26 years old, something that I honestly thought I would never live to see.

Holy shit, I’m approaching 30!

It doesn’t seem all that long ago that my overall outlook on life was a bit bleak to say the least. At 21 I already felt burned out with no sense of direction. I occasionally went to community college, never thinking that it would actually get me anywhere, and drifted from shitty job to shitty job in the meantime. To really summarize things, all I had really thought was pretty much the equivalent of “fuck the future”.

“Fuck the future”.

That was my mentality, and that phrase in itself pretty much sums up my lack of drive at the time.

Then something happened…

I was introduced to the work of Charles Bukowski, and for the first time in my life, I actually related to something in the literary realm. Here was this down-on-his-luck-type of guy, who struggled with all things related to booze and women alike, yet somehow had this degree of humanity shining through in his work that one wouldn’t be able to see just by coming into actual contact with the man. I admired him so much, his poetry and prose alike. Thanks to Bukowski, I began having a love for literature that I never had before.

After exposing myself to as much of Bukowski’s work as I could get my hands on, I found a new appreciation for all the books I was “forced” to read in high school. "Of Mice and Men", "Moby Dick", "1984", "To Kill a Mockingbird"…all the works that were force-fed to me I read over again with this newfound consciousness that I was never aware I possessed…and I was made all the better for it. That wasn’t all however, as I would be exposed to a whole new world of authors who, as cliché as it may sound, actually spoke to me like none ever had before: D.H. Lawrence, Jack Kerouac, William Burroughs, Allen Ginsberg, Ken Kesey, and more besides.

Yes, Bukowski practically helped me put my shit together and get my life in order…because I didn’t want to become that middle-aged guy with nothing to call his own staring down the inside of a whiskey bottle. That in itself may sound like a bit of a conundrum to anyone familiar with Bukowski’s work, considering the fact that the man himself didn’t achieve fame or notoriety until he was much older, and here I am at 26 as a struggling writer and perhaps would-be author.

Regardless of whether or not I actually achieve any sort of notoriety, there is one simple fact that remains: I’m not giving up. Tenacity is a powerful thing for one to possess, and knowing that I’ve come this far now after being written-off in my teens as a drug-raddled loser, the only direction that I can possibly go is forward.

That’s the lesson here folks. No matter if you’re looked down upon by others for whatever reasons, no matter how you may be labeled, no matter what anyone tells you that you can’t do…don’t give in, and don’t give up. It may sound like a cliché-type of thing to hear, but one thing I’ve noticed over the past few years is that those who believe themselves to be on a higher social status and automatically look down on someone for whatever reasons never truly stop being tools…and yes, we should all know how to properly identify tools at this point and time :)

Seriously though however, those who get looked down upon more often than not somehow manage to rise up and be better than they themselves could have ever imagined. They strive and move forward, and provide many a shock to others in the process of doing so.

And that kids is the moral of the story here. No matter how down and out you may find yourself being, know that you aren’t the first and certainly won’t be the last to feel that way. Just know that you can rise up, grow, evolve, and be better than anyone could have ever thought or hoped for you to be…and in the process you can teach some of those fuckers who labeled you a loser a thing or two about a thing or two.

Don’t give up, don’t give in.



…and now we resume the dick & fart jokes!