UNCUT & UNRATED EVIL DEAD IS COMING

News came out a few days ago that the long awaited, uncut, uncensored version of Fede Alvarez's 2013 remake/reboot of EVIL DEAD is finally going to see the light of day. Alvarez confirmed such while doing the press rounds for his new flick DON'T BREATHE, and it's very well known that this is something we've all been waiting for now for quite some time. This news seriously excites me more than it probably should.

The 2013 take on EVIL DEAD was a shockingly brutal and gory retread on Sam Raimi's original film, so much so that many were shocked it was granted an R rating given the extreme level of violence. The fact that there's an extended and uncut version coming soon makes me wonder just what could have gotten cut out. Funny thing is, apparently this same extended cut ran on a UK channel in 2015 by mistake when the distributor accidentally sent the wrong master of the film for TV airing. Oops.

My only question is why have we waited this long to see an uncut version of EVIL DEAD? Why has it taken this long for it to see the light of day in a wide-release? I guess it doesn't really matter honestly, and that we should just be happy that we're finally going to be able to see it in all its uncut glory.

With ASH VS THE EVIL DEAD being a smash hit and the franchise riding an all time high like never before, it's never been a better time to be an EVIL DEAD fan than it is right now. Who would have ever thought that the franchise would see such a resurgence? It's shit like this that makes it great to be a horror fan.

My Thoughts on the SUSPIRIA Remake

Oh Dario, Dario, where art thou Dario?

You know what? Don't answer that. After seeing the last few films Dario Argento has made, I'm convinced he's lost to us forever, but that's a story for another day.

Anyway, one of the most beloved and cherished horror films in cinematic history is Argento's 1977 masterpiece, "Suspiria". A film that features brilliant storytelling, gut-wrenching gore, lush set design and colors, and gorgeous cinematography. It's a classic of the horror genre, and nothing Argento had done since can even come close to reaching the greatness that "Suspiria" managed to do.

So of course, it needs a remake, right?

Well tough shit folks, we're getting a remake of "Suspiria".

That's right, and it looks like it's happening here pretty damn soon. So soon in fact that casting is already underway. I had heard that so far we're getting Dakota Johnson (who I'm told showed her boobs in the adaptation of soccer mom porn for morons "50 Shades of Grey") in the lead, as well as Tilda Swinton, who I assume will be the big evil bitch of the film (and I don't have a problem with Swinton, she can literally do anything).

Now, here's the thing: "Suspiria" is a film that is definitely not for everyone. In terms of its storytelling, it didn't spell out everything for the viewer. There's a lot of elements in that film that are either kept ambiguous or are just told through the film's direction. Movies, especially mainstream American ones, don't do that anymore. Instead, we'll more than likely be getting a dumbed down, hastily-put together take on the film by a crew and producers who simply don't get the source material or rather don't want to...because intelligent filmmaking, especially in horror, doesn't appeal to the masses.

This happens all the time: just look at the recent "The Witch"; an intelligent and thought provoking horror flick that has been shit on by the general public because it doesn't spell things out and isn't easy to digest. "Suspiria" is such a film, and an American-ized modern day remake will more than likely be flat out crippled by stupidity. I'm going to list some horror flicks, most of them classics, that have been remade in the past decade or so and totally miss the mark that was set by the films they were adapted from:

The Fog
Halloween
Assault on Precinct 13
The Thing
Dawn of the Dead (okay, this isn't that bad, it just ignores any kind of social commentary that the original had)
Martyrs
Mirrors
The Ring
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (like four times)

Yeah, you see where I'm going with this right? This remake of "Suspiria" will end up having the same result. It's fucking clownshoes.

In other words, fuck this, and fuck it hard.

Giving the Finger to the New Ghostbusters Film

We've known about the new, all-female "Ghostbusters" film for a while now, but it looks like the marketing machine is about to kick into high gear. We've already had teasers, set pictures, posters, merchandise, etc.; and even fucking Ecto Cooler is making a comeback apparently. That's right, the nostalgia train is here, and it's time for everyone to get on board for this one way trip to shitsburgh. We're going to be getting a shitty retread of a classic franchise/license that is going to be so half-assed and half-hearted that now when we think about "Ghostbusters", we're going to be thinking about this shitty, modern take on it too.

Yeah, in case you can't tell, I'm not for a new "Ghostbusters" movie.

We've had remakes and reboots of every fucking thing under the sun lately, so it really isn't a surprise that we're getting a "Ghostbusters" one. There was talk of a potential third film for years upon years, but thanks to Bill Murray consistently dragging his feet and the death of Harold Ramis, that became nothing more than a fantasy. Granted we got a pretty cool video game in 2009 that re-united the original cast (which is honestly what I consider to be "Ghostbusters 3"), so at least we got something good out of the deal.

So yeah, the reboot machine got turned on for "Ghostbusters", featuring an all female cast of modern day comedians... oh and apparently there's some kind of involvement from Bill Murray and Dan Aykroyd too, who will not be playing their classic roles, but as new characters instead. So yeah, it's a full on reboot, and it looks to be one with little to no thought put into fucking anything. I mean c'mon now, the main antagonist of the film appears to be the ghost from the classic logo. That really took a lot of thought huh?

Look, I don't care if you want to make an all-female "Ghostbusters" film or any other all-female take on any other property. That doesn't bother me at all. What does bother me is that we truly are seeing the bastardization of a beloved property that is being re-processed for mass modern consumption. The classic first "Ghostbusters" film is an example of pure lightning in a bottle. It's a perfect blend of humor, action, and most of all, imagination. To put it bluntly: it's perfect. "Ghostbusters 2"...well, that is far from perfect. Regardless though, it's still enjoyable, and still retains that degree of imagination for it to stand on its own.

This new "Ghostbusters" flick looks devoid of imagination...or anything else really. It's shat-out studio garbage, banking on the fact that it has the name of a beloved property that it will rake in a shit load of money so it can spawn a whole new franchise of mediocrity and keep that money train coming in. How about we not let that happen guys? It's only when you stop giving studios your ticket money that they'll stop making the shit film adaptations of beloved properties that everyone (me included) bitch about on the internet.

So yeah, in case you can't tell, I won't be seeing the new "Ghostbusters" flick when it comes out. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't see it either.

Then again, if there's a steady paycheck involved, I'll believe anything you say.

Another Shitty HELLRAISER Movie is Coming

So, word got out that we've finally got a new Hellraiser movie coming out...and it's coming out a lot sooner than we expected.

In fact, it's already filming...

...and it doesn't have Doug Bradley in it as Pinhead...

...and it's super low budget and features a number of the crew from Hellraiser: Revelations...

What does all this mean exactly? I'll tell you what it means...

...it means it's gonna fucking suck.

Anyway, here's the deal: the Hellraiser franchise has gotten the shit end of the stick more often than not, with this new film being the tenth entry in the franchise. The only films in the series that are really worth a shit are the first two installments, which are what Clive Barker was the most heavily involved in. The direct-to-video releases Hellraiser: Inferno and Hellraiser: Hellseeker aren't bad for what they are, but they miss the point of Barker's groundwork.

A few years back, Dimension Films commissioned a hastily put together installment called Hellraiser: Revelations...and when I say hastily put together, I'm not exaggerating. To ensure the studio didn't lose the rights to the franchise, they had to pump out a new film. They did, with a shoestring budget, laughable effects, a piss poor story, and a new laughably bad Pinhead because Doug Bradley wisely chose not to be a part of it. Clive Barker publicly derided the film, and with good reason. If you ever have the displeasure of watching it, you'll see what I mean.

Now with this new film, Doug Bradley has chosen not to play Pinhead again, and it looks like this was another wise decision on his part. The fact that it looks like this piece of shit is being thrown together as quickly as the piece of shit that came before it pretty much tells you everything you need to know. This is going to be flat out awful, and everyone involved in it knows it.

The Hellraiser franchise deserves better than this. What started as some fairly innovative horror films that started de-evolving into run of the mill slashers and even got worse as time went on. The fact that the franchise is still around, even with shit sequels, shows that whatever impact it has had still resonates. That in itself goes to show that we all do in fact desire more Hellraiser...but we want Hellraiser done right...not cheap imitations.

Over the past few years, there's been lots of word about a Barker-helmed remake/reboot of the franchise. Believe it or not, I wouldn't have a problem with such a thing. Granted, I really don't think that'll ever happen for a variety of reasons, but I'd still rather see a fresh take on it from its creator than another deluded sequel.

So yeah...this new Hellraiser flick? Fuck it, fuck it right in the ear.

ANOTHER DC REBOOT????

So it's being said that DC Comics is doing another company-wide reboot pretty damn soon. Only difference between this reboot and the New 52 reboot from 2011 appears to be that this one is going to be focused more on characters and properties that are going to be heavily featured in movies and TV shows. So basically we'll be having a lot of titles focused on Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, various members of the Suicide Squad, and probably Green Arrow, Flash, etc.

So um...yeah. I don't really like this idea, any more than I did the idea of the New 52 reboot. Thankfully though for that we got some interesting stories and takes on Batman, Aquaman, Swamp Thing, Animal Man, Stormwatch, and more besides; so it wasn't all bad in retrospect. In fact, while a majority of the storytelling was "meh", you can't deny the ballsiness of it.

Now here's the thing, what DC is doing is getting shit on a lot...which isn't a surprise. DC usually always gets a lot of flack thrown at it, sometimes rightfully so, sometimes not. The joke of it all is that this is shit that Marvel has been doing forever, and no one ever shits on them, because they're Marvel. Don't believe me? Well, let's think about it for a second: anytime a Marvel movie has been a hit, Marvel has either retconned characters or flat out rebooted them to streamline with their film counterparts:

Blade (yes, Blade) was never a half-human/half vamp "daywalker". He was a fairly normal dude. That shitty 90s "Spider-Man" cartoon first presented him as the Blade we all know now before the Wesley Snipes films did.

Ever since the first "X-Men" movie in 2000, Wolverine is frequently drawn to resemble Hugh Jackman more than any other physical incarnation he had before anyone ever knew who the fuck Hugh Jackman was.

Nick Fury (the white one) all of the sudden has a never-before mentioned son of African-American descent (and ends up losing an eye) that subsequently takes over SHIELD and the original Fury is written out of the Marvel universe in a non-sensical crossover where The Watcher was assassinated for...reasons.

There's more besides all that, but I stopped reading mainstream Marvel and DC comics quite some time ago. Why? Because the kind of innovative and mostly stand-alone storytelling that I fell in love with from guys like Walter Simonson, Grant Morrison, Frank Miller, and more besides, was being phased out of mainstream comics in favor of streamlined storyarcs that never end and just written to sell more books.

Selling more books is the key after all, which is fine, because the comic book industry is a finicky one and even though it has endured for so long, it still ends up needing a kick in the ass every so often to keep itself afloat. The sales of these mainstream comics are the main source of that for the most part, and are also the most exhausted of ideas and innovation. It's a weird fucking balance, but that's pretty much how it's always been.

So yeah, DC gets shit on, Marvel doesn't. It's the same as it ever was, and that's probably how it'll always be too. The reasons why on that is something I've touched on before, and something I'll probably touch on again at some point down the road.

Now go read some goddamned indie comics.

STOP WITH THE FUCKING TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE MOVIES!!!

Oh fucking hell, they're doing it again.

I've talked at great length before about how Hollywood just won't let certain franchises die, whether it be "Friday the 13th", "A Nightmare on Elm Street", or "Halloween", so I guess we can add "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" back to that list too. We're getting a prequel (and seriously what is this, like the eighth fucking prequel already?) focusing on the origins of Leatherface.

Yes, we need to have Leatherface have a fucking origin story.

Why is it now that these slasher icons from yesteryear now have to have so much exposition and origins given to them when they get remakes/reboots? Did we really need to see a young Michael Myers grow up in an abusive home with a stripper mother to give us a reason as to why he was the way he us? Remember the old explanation that he was just "pure evil" and that was it? Guess what? That actually fucking worked. The whole origin story given to him for the millennial generation certainly fucking didn't.

So with that in mind, what kind of possible fucking origin could Leatherface possibly fucking have? Let's see: fucked up looking kid, probably gets bullied, has fucked up family life (cannibals are usually pretty dysfunctional am I right?), and discovers catharsis in wielding chainsaws.

I think that will probably be more or less what we'll get with this new flick. See? This soulless bullshit, shameless cash-in garbage practically writes itself with little reason for forethought. Remember that abortion that was "Texas Chainsaw 3D"? I distinctly remember telling you fuckers not to lay down your hard earned cash to see that piece of shit, and you know what? You all did anyway. That movie was just disrespectful to fans of the franchise for a number of different reasons, and this new one probably won't be any different either. Now do as I say this time and DON'T GO SEE THIS FUCKING THING.

The only time we'll stop getting half-baked retreads on old franchises is when we all stop paying to see them. In regards to "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" itself though, let's look at the overall chronology of films in the series so far shall we?:

We have the 1974 original...

...followed by Tobe Hooper's 1986 sequel starring Dennis Hopper...

...followed by a third film (called "Leatherface") that was equal parts sequel and re-working of the original kind of...

...followed by "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: New Generation" (only famous for starring a pre-fame Matthew McConaughey and Rene Zellwegger) which was a remake in itself...

...followed by the 2003 remake that made a shitload of money...

...followed by the 2006 prequel to the 2003 remake that was just plain awful...

...followed by the cinematic abortion known as "Texas Chainsaw 3D" which claims to be a direct sequel to the ORIGINAL film from 1974.

You guys get all that?

Yeah, let this franchise die already. I know I say it all the damn time, but this is the one case where I think we can all agree that it has to die, and die right fucking now.

Then again, maybe we'll get a cross-dressing Leatherface again?

The Death of Practical Effects Work

Very recently, footage of some amazing practical effects work done on the unnecessary 2011 prequel to "The Thing" (which for some reason was also titled..."The Thing"...huh, I guess originality is bankrupt even in creating the titles of needless prequels) surfaced on the internet. The outcry from horror fans has been deafening, mostly because this is some truly amazing effects work...and just about none of it was seen in the finished product, and replaced with thoughtless CGI effects. I've personally never seen this 2011 prequel, mainly because John Carpenter's 1982 film (which in itself is a remake of "The Thing From Another World") is fucking perfect and probably the best horror film of the 80s.

Trust me, go watch this footage.

Anyway, seeing these practical effects, as well as the CGI effects shots that replaced them, got me thinking about something that I've thought about many times in the past, and all this does is re-affirm that thought: practical effects are a dying fucking breed.

I remember going to see "The Devil's Rejects" in 2004, and realizing that the gunshot wounds were CGI. I realized this because they blatantly look totally unbelievably fake. Was it really cheaper to do this than to use traditional squibs? Or was it more time and shooting effective to do so? Probably a mixture of both. Now I'm not knocking the work that goes into making CGI shots of any kind: it's something I know I'd never be able to do...but for me, any originality or craftsmanship that would go into practical effects work gets totally lost in translation.

Recently, makeup legend Rick Baker retired from the industry, more or less citing that as CGI has become the norm, his services and the services of many of his contemporaries and others in the practical effects business, are going the way of the dinosaur. CGI does make some otherwise impossible effects become possible, that's true...but it takes away that sense of realism that practical effects could always conjure up. Remember Rob Bottin's disgusting effects in the 1982 "The Thing" that were frightening and brilliantly crafted? Or Baker's iconic werewolf transformation in "An American Werewolf in London"? We don't see things like that anymore these days, and that's a total goddamned shame.

I know I may be sounding like an angry and out of touch old man again, but in this case I feel totally justified in being so. One of the reasons the 1982 "The Thing" is revered so well is because of its iconic effects work. Virtually no one remembers anything about the 2011 prequel, and there's good reason for that. It may not be all because of the cruddy CGI effects, but at least if the film itself sucked, you'd still be able to say "those practical effects are awesome" and get some amount of enjoyment out of it in spite of itself.

There's still practical effects wizards like Greg Nicotero that pretty much run what's left of the practical effects business, but despite that, it can't help but feel like that era is rapidly closing. Some may think that's a good thing because it may be cost effective and faster, etc., but to someone like me, it's a damn shame.

Long live ingenuity, practical effects, the art and craftsmanship that went into making those old moments so damn memorable.

"EXORCIST" TV?!?!?!?!?!

So this is happening I guess.

There's a possibility that we're getting more "Exorcist"-related shit. Don't ask me why though because I can't fathom anyone actually wanting a remake or a reboot or a re-whogivesafuckingshit of "The Exorcist", but it looks like we're getting one in the form of some kind of limited TV series. Or something.

We really shouldn't be surprised in all honesty. Everything gets remade, or "rebooted", which is now the preferred term for studio execs with limited imagination that only want to spend their time counting cash instead of attempting to help come up with something creative or even push for someone to come up with creative. It's all a load of horseshit if you ask me, as I sit here on my rocking chair on my porch yelling at these fucking kids to get the fuck off of my lawn before I stare at their hot cougar mother through the peephole I drilled in their house.

Wait, where was I?

Oh yeah. Anyway, we see everything from "Robocop" to fucking "The Stepfather" get remade (sorry, REBOOTED) these days, so should be really be surprised that something as beloved and revered as "The Exorcist" is going to get plundered? I mean for fuck's sake I'm surprised that no one has tried to make a new bullshit version of "Jaws" with a CGI shark...and now that I've said that, I'm sure THAT will be in preproduction before today is out.

Maybe a serialized TV take on "The Exorcist" is a far better idea than having some rehashed bullshit take on it be thrown into theaters nationwide, considering that horror TV has had a resurgence in recent years to pretty okay effect (mostly), so this might not turn out too bad. Well, as long as it's not on prime time network TV that is. Regardless, I'm not thrilled about any of this because all it does is reaffirm the fact that the bankruptcy of original ideas isn't going away any time soon...if ever.

Nope, nope, and nope. I'll stay in my hole like the grumpy old man I am and continue staring at the cougar. If no one hears from me, don't fear, I'll be perfectly fine. Maybe.

Your mother sews socks that smell...

ANOTHER "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET" REMAKE?!?!?!?!?!

We're getting a "A Nightmare on Elm Street" reboot...for the second time.

Wait, what?

Yes that's right, after the 2010 reboot of the beloved slasher series, we're going to get ANOTHER reboot as well. Why? Was the reception to the 2010 reboot really that bad?

Well...yes, it was. Reception to that was never good to begin with...and it was never going to be. I can't speak for that film myself, because I've never ever seen it. I refused to from the minute I heard about it. While I gave new takes on "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" a chance in the past, I refused to give one to "A Nightmare on Elm Street", and I still won't.

Now why have I given the newer takes on "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" a chance whereas I didn't give one to the new "Elm Street"? Well there's a few reasons. For starters, the remakes/reboots/re-whogivesafuckingshit of "Halloween" and "Friday the 13th" were shit (granted I actually kind of enjoyed "Friday the 13th"), but we knew they'd be shit going into it. At their hearts, they're just simple slasher fare that features an invincible killer pitted against horny teenagers. The "Elm Street" franchise has always been a lot more high concept than the rest of its slasher ilk. Freddy Kruger haunts your dreams, which means that anything is possible to happen. Even in the worst films of the "Elm Street" franchise, the deaths are super creative. With a modern day reboot produced by Michael fucking Bay, the word "creativity" just doesn't exist. That's why we knew beforehand not to even bother with it; we already knew it'd be total fucking garbage...and hey, we were right.

So because we were right, we're being punished again with ANOTHER reboot. That's right, they're not going to stop beating this dead horse until they can squeeze just a little more cash out of it and get a whole "new" franchise out of it with more sequels, prequels, then more remakes and reboots of those sequels, etc.

Come the fuck on. Those beloved slasher icons from the 70s/80s like Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, Michael Myers, etc. are everlasting because when we first saw them, the films they appeared in were actually good and original and we wanted to see more of them. It was only after a while that we got sick of it all because it winded up being the same old shit, but at least most of those franchises tried to re-invigorate themselves by injecting some new blood now and then without going the remake route (at least at first).

So yeah, we're getting another "Elm Street" whether we want it or not. I think since we didn't want one the last time, what's really changed in the last five years that makes Hollywood execs think we'd want one now?

Don't give into this guys, save your money and time for something at least somewhat original. It's better for all of us that way, plus for the industry as a whole.

Fuck this.

Michael Bay Shits All Over Your Childhood Again

Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If you were a kid in the late 80s/early 90s, how the fuck could you not? They were fucking everywhere! There was the cartoon, the movies, video games, comic books, action figures, toothbrushes, board games, books, and so much more that it’s nearly impossible to fathom just how much of a juggernaut the TMNT license once was. The Turtles popularity ended up seriously waning eventually, with occasional attempts at resurrecting the franchise happening every few years, most recently with the CGI flick to come out in 2007 which actually wasn’t all that bad.

Why am I talking about the Turtles you ask? Well, as you’ve probably heard by now, there’s a live action reboot of the film in the works, and is produced by none other than Michael Bay. Bay caused a fervor when he announced that these new-fangled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are no longer mutants created by radioactive ooze, but instead are aliens from another planet. Oh, and they’re not teenagers either anymore. Also, instead of ninjas, they’re going to transform into turtle robots and shoot missiles out of their ass holes. Okay, that last part I made up, but all the rest is true.

Now, the first question I raise here is why the fuck is Michael Bay even involved in this to begin with? Hasn’t he already fucked up enough of our memories of beloved 80s cartoons with the fecal-matter laced Transformers trilogy? Not to mention the huge number of 80s horror flicks he’s had a hand in remaking (Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, Nightmare on Elm Street, and plenty more) to add insult to injury. Why the fuck does he have to put his hands in the Turtles for fuck’s sake? I can understand making another attempt to bring back what was once an ultra-popular franchise, and attaching a big name to do it, but Christ on a fucking bike why does it have to be Bay, and why does he have to change so much damn shit that a majority of people already know to be fact about the license in the first fucking place? They’re called “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, what the hell is he going to rename them? Post-adolescent Alien Douche-Bag Turtles? Why? WHY? WHY!

I have fond memories of the Turtles when I was a kid. I had the NES games, a whole shit-load of toys, and would watch the cartoon religiously. I grew out of it once I got past the age of 12 or so, but I always had a soft spot in my heart for the Turtles regardless. Hearing this kind of news that not only are they being changed around so damn much, but that they’re being changed around by GODDAMN MICHAEL BAY makes me want to shit myself into a stupor. You figure if they’re taking something established already and trying to make it new again, why don’t they just come up with an original idea themselves? Would that really be too much fucking effort?

So in closing, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…

Fuck you Michael Bay, fuck you hard.