Another Shitty HELLRAISER Movie is Coming

So, word got out that we've finally got a new Hellraiser movie coming out...and it's coming out a lot sooner than we expected.

In fact, it's already filming...

...and it doesn't have Doug Bradley in it as Pinhead...

...and it's super low budget and features a number of the crew from Hellraiser: Revelations...

What does all this mean exactly? I'll tell you what it means...

...it means it's gonna fucking suck.

Anyway, here's the deal: the Hellraiser franchise has gotten the shit end of the stick more often than not, with this new film being the tenth entry in the franchise. The only films in the series that are really worth a shit are the first two installments, which are what Clive Barker was the most heavily involved in. The direct-to-video releases Hellraiser: Inferno and Hellraiser: Hellseeker aren't bad for what they are, but they miss the point of Barker's groundwork.

A few years back, Dimension Films commissioned a hastily put together installment called Hellraiser: Revelations...and when I say hastily put together, I'm not exaggerating. To ensure the studio didn't lose the rights to the franchise, they had to pump out a new film. They did, with a shoestring budget, laughable effects, a piss poor story, and a new laughably bad Pinhead because Doug Bradley wisely chose not to be a part of it. Clive Barker publicly derided the film, and with good reason. If you ever have the displeasure of watching it, you'll see what I mean.

Now with this new film, Doug Bradley has chosen not to play Pinhead again, and it looks like this was another wise decision on his part. The fact that it looks like this piece of shit is being thrown together as quickly as the piece of shit that came before it pretty much tells you everything you need to know. This is going to be flat out awful, and everyone involved in it knows it.

The Hellraiser franchise deserves better than this. What started as some fairly innovative horror films that started de-evolving into run of the mill slashers and even got worse as time went on. The fact that the franchise is still around, even with shit sequels, shows that whatever impact it has had still resonates. That in itself goes to show that we all do in fact desire more Hellraiser...but we want Hellraiser done right...not cheap imitations.

Over the past few years, there's been lots of word about a Barker-helmed remake/reboot of the franchise. Believe it or not, I wouldn't have a problem with such a thing. Granted, I really don't think that'll ever happen for a variety of reasons, but I'd still rather see a fresh take on it from its creator than another deluded sequel.

So yeah...this new Hellraiser flick? Fuck it, fuck it right in the ear.

Reviewing Clive Barker's "The Scarlet Gospels"

I've got a major soft spot for Clive Barker, and I think I always have. At least I have since I first saw "Hellraiser" in my youth. Since then I've watched every single film Barker has ever directed and/or had his name attached to (for better or worse) and read most of his stories as well. Needless to say, I've ate, drank, and slept Clive Barker for the better part of my 30 years on this planet.

That's why I've looked so forward to "The Scarlet Gospels" for the better part of a decade since he had first hinted at a novel pitting Pinhead against supernatural detective Harry D'Amour (from the story "The Last Illusion" and the film "Lord of Illusions", where he was played by "Quantum Leap" star Scott Bakula) in a be all, end all confrontation that would mark the end of stories for both characters. So when the book was finally released this month, I was so fucking excited to finally crack it open and read this thing. Well, after finally getting a chance to finish it completely, the end result is just...well...underwhelming.

Don't get me wrong, the novel starts off fucking AMAZINGLY with a group of some surviving magicians meeting super grisly demises at the hands of Pinhead, but after that it's mostly downhill for everyone involved. Granted it isn't terrible, actually almost quite the opposite, but I just felt so underwhelmed by the whole thing. Now without giving too much away, half the book is dedicated towards Harry and his crew of cookie-cutter stereotype supporting characters (which in itself is a major disappointment: Barker almost always crafted super well-rounded characters) traversing through Hell as Pinhead wrecks havoc. I figured seeing vivid descriptions of what Barker's take on Hell would be awesome...but instead all it does is conjure up a whole bunch of "meh".

Oh, and Pinhead's mission? What is it exactly? We're never really given a clear idea. We just know he wants to rule Hell (maybe?) and needs Harry to be a witness. Why? We're never really sure. Not to mention the fact that "The Scarlet Gospels" just feels like so much was left on the cutting room floor that the novel as a whole feels kind of incomplete. Maybe it's just me that feels that way, but it sure as shit feels like a lot is missing here. Maybe in a few years we'll get a "director's cut" or something.

All in all, I still recommend reading "The Scarlet Gospels" regardless. It is entertaining for what it is, but Barker has done much better with his past works. Also if this is indeed the end of the road for Pinhead and Harry, they at least get wrapped up decently enough. And even though it isn't perfect, it's just good to see Barker back in the game. Maybe somewhere along the way he'll get his full game back and come back to blow our collective balls off one more time.