Michael Bay Thinks You're Stupid

Blah blah blah, Michael Bay.

Blah blah blah, destroys my childhood.

Blah blah blah, how does he keep getting to produce and direct shitty movies?

Michael Bay gets shit on quite a bit, and he has for quite some time now. Has it been 20 years yet? I'm not sure. I don't recall off the top of my head when "Bad Boys" came out, because honestly I'm too lazy and I just don't give much of a shit to even bother going to IMDB to look it up, but it feels like it's been a while that we've all been slinging shit at Bay while he continues to laugh all the way to the bank. That in itself is the point of all this: just how does someone as critically panned as Bay manage to keep making abysmal films that make money hand over fist?

The simple answer is that Bay himself symbolizes the modern American movie-goer. What does said modern American movie-goer look for that gets his blood pumping?

Explosions, lots and lots of explosions.

Glossy action sequences that feature lots of close-ups of the characters in play, most of which can get pretty uncomfortable.

Frantic film editing. This makes things more exciting apparently, for others (like me) it just makes them feel violently ill like getting churned around in a blender.

Scantily-clad barely over 18 girls, because there's nothing that sells tickets like barely legal poon tang on display.

And last but not least, American flags aplenty...because this is 'MURICA, and if you don't like any of the above, you're un-American.

If you watch any number of Bay films in any particular order, you will see most, if not all, of everything I just listed pop up in his films. Now when I say the average American movie-goer, a large chunk of that audience are teenage boys, hence why most of Bay's films get the ever profitable PG-13 rating.

Now mass marketing crap to kids is nothing new of course, it's as American as processed McDonalds apple pie. However, when a majority of people start bitching and making fun of Bay's works online, yet his films continue to churn out record profits, there's something definitely wrong with this picture here. The "Transformers" movies are one thing. The novelty of the first film wore off quickly as each sequel only proceeded to rot brains worse than the ones that came before, yet they still make BILLIONS of dollars. Why is that exactly? Because people keep laying down their hard-earned money to watch mega-budgeted piles of shit so they have something to bitch about later on internet message boards and social networks.

"Transformers" is one thing, but the latest Bay re-tread to hit the masses is a new take on "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"...and holy mother of fucking Turtle Christ will people not shut the fuck up over it. I'm not saying their complaints aren't warranted of course, but it's not like anyone put a gun to their heads and made them lay down the money to see such a piece of regurgitated fecal matter.

And, of course, TMNT is making money hand over fist. The movie that months ago, when set pictures and concept art and trailers were released had the internet buzzing with seething hatred and people swearing that "I'll never watch this piece of shit" is making so much money that it will probably knock "Guardians of the Galaxy" from its top spot at the box office. Why is that? Why is something that seemed to be so universally hated raking in millions upon millions of dollars that almost guarantees sequels and the like further down the road that will surely be as hated and looked down upon, yet will more than likely make even more millions upon millions of dollars?

Well, honestly, because the majority of mainstream American movie-going audiences are fucking stupid.

That may sound harsh, but hey, the truth hurts. You can shit all over me for it if you want, and believe me I welcome it, but the same people that bitch and complain about Bay and co. mutilating the source material and all that aren't helping matters by paying to see the fucking thing. I noticed it on Facebook last night when I saw quite a few posts from friends saying "I can't believe how bad TMNT is" and "I can't believe I wasted 12 bucks on that piece of shit". Well, what did you really expect guys? Seriously.

This is modern mainstream American cinema, and it will not get any better anytime soon, mostly because we still fork money over to see garbage that has Michael Bay's name on it. Although I have to admit that I kind of admire Bay's intelligence as a person: he knows he makes shit, and he knows his shit will make money, because he knows the average American movie-goer is a fucking idiot. Rinse, repeat.

If you really feel that Bay's take on films based on licenses you loved as a kid is ruining your childhood, there's one surefire way to prevent him from doing so: STOP PAYING TO FUCKING SEE THEM!

Now as a disclaimer, I just want to say that I'm not calling every person who went to see the movie an idiot, and I'm not calling anyone out if they somehow actually enjoy what Bay offers; more power to you and all that, so please take no offense....


...maybe.

Michael Bay Shits All Over Your Childhood Again

Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If you were a kid in the late 80s/early 90s, how the fuck could you not? They were fucking everywhere! There was the cartoon, the movies, video games, comic books, action figures, toothbrushes, board games, books, and so much more that it’s nearly impossible to fathom just how much of a juggernaut the TMNT license once was. The Turtles popularity ended up seriously waning eventually, with occasional attempts at resurrecting the franchise happening every few years, most recently with the CGI flick to come out in 2007 which actually wasn’t all that bad.

Why am I talking about the Turtles you ask? Well, as you’ve probably heard by now, there’s a live action reboot of the film in the works, and is produced by none other than Michael Bay. Bay caused a fervor when he announced that these new-fangled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are no longer mutants created by radioactive ooze, but instead are aliens from another planet. Oh, and they’re not teenagers either anymore. Also, instead of ninjas, they’re going to transform into turtle robots and shoot missiles out of their ass holes. Okay, that last part I made up, but all the rest is true.

Now, the first question I raise here is why the fuck is Michael Bay even involved in this to begin with? Hasn’t he already fucked up enough of our memories of beloved 80s cartoons with the fecal-matter laced Transformers trilogy? Not to mention the huge number of 80s horror flicks he’s had a hand in remaking (Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, Nightmare on Elm Street, and plenty more) to add insult to injury. Why the fuck does he have to put his hands in the Turtles for fuck’s sake? I can understand making another attempt to bring back what was once an ultra-popular franchise, and attaching a big name to do it, but Christ on a fucking bike why does it have to be Bay, and why does he have to change so much damn shit that a majority of people already know to be fact about the license in the first fucking place? They’re called “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, what the hell is he going to rename them? Post-adolescent Alien Douche-Bag Turtles? Why? WHY? WHY!

I have fond memories of the Turtles when I was a kid. I had the NES games, a whole shit-load of toys, and would watch the cartoon religiously. I grew out of it once I got past the age of 12 or so, but I always had a soft spot in my heart for the Turtles regardless. Hearing this kind of news that not only are they being changed around so damn much, but that they’re being changed around by GODDAMN MICHAEL BAY makes me want to shit myself into a stupor. You figure if they’re taking something established already and trying to make it new again, why don’t they just come up with an original idea themselves? Would that really be too much fucking effort?

So in closing, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…

Fuck you Michael Bay, fuck you hard.

Fuck Michael Bay, Fuck Transformers...Fuck Me Sideways

Michael Bay represents everything that is wrong with the film industry today. Massive explosions and ultra-flashy action sequences, incoherent plots (if any plot at all), and overly taking himself way too fucking seriously in the process. His “Transformers” films represent this as well, and are quite possibly some of the biggest pieces of mechanical dogshit that you’ll ever see. Now don’t get me wrong, 2007’s “Transformers” was a surprisingly enjoyable film that delivered the goods and showed audiences something we hadn’t seen before: namely giant fucking robots transforming and laying waste to each other and major metropolitan cities. By the time 2009 rolled around with “Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen”, seeing such scenes had already worn thin, and the novelty had already worn off. Not to mention to the fact that “Revenge of the Fallen” featured an incredibly mind-numbing storyline and incoherent action sequences that NO ONE had any fucking idea what the hell was going on.

Now, here we are in 2011, and Bay has unleashed what is supposedly the final film in the franchise with “Transformers: Dark of the Moon”; a film so insulting to viewer’s senses and intelligence that I really think you can actually become dumber upon watching it. Between featuring a Victoria’s Secret model’s atrocious acting (and fine ass) in a starring role, an incredibly uncomfortable homophobic joke scene, off-the-wall ridiculous plot holes that may cause viewers to suffer brain aneurisms, and a depressed Megatron sitting on a dumpster (yes, you read that right) that gets conned into helping save the day. Yeah…and you thought “Revenge of the Fallen” was bad.

Now let’s get one thing out of the way here. When I was a kid, “Transformers” was my absolute favorite cartoon series and toy franchise out there, so the nostalgic factor alone that gets pissed all over here is enough to make me infuriated at seeing my once beloved “Transformers” has become nothing more than a 2 ½ hour long commercial for flashy cars, mass explosions, hot chicks in scantily clad garments, and Shia LeBeouf filling the screen with his wanker presence. Now, thanks to all that, when someone hears the word “Transformers”, they will automatically think of Michael Bay’s film franchise instead of the 1984 cartoon, and they will groan in disgust and bewilderment that Bay is still allowed to make movies, let alone ones featuring giant fucking robots.

Oh yeah, I’m still waiting for the “Transformers” porn spoof goddamnit, because I know that THAT would be much more entertaining than this bullshit.