Nasty Nick's New Year's Resolutions!

Another year over, another year starts. The same old shit cycle continues. 2015 for me kind of totally fucking sucked ass, except for a few bright spots sprinkled throughout. That aside, 2016 is going to be...pretty much the same I think.

Anyway, we're going balls deep into 2016 right fucking now, so I've prepared some good old fashioned New Year's Resolutions...of which every single one I intend to keep. Strap yourselves in assholes, here we go with the resolutions and promises I'm making for this year:

That I intend to fill out my vintage porn collection

That I'll cut my daily masturbation rituals down from six times a day to five

That I will stop wasting my money on cigarettes and steal them instead

That I will no longer refer to the act of fisting as "Puppetwork"

That I will stop dying my socks pink and calling them "wearable prolapsed rectums"

That I won't automatically hate something because it's popular

That I will actually have TAPES all finished by the end of this year



All I can say for sure is that it's probably only the first resolution up there that will actually really happen. The rest of it can fuck on off (though TAPES is coming along nicely finally).

Happy New Year's you fuckin degenerates.

New Year's Resolutions I Probably Won't Keep

That Mayan Apocalypse sure was some wild shit wasn't it? The hellfire and brimstone raining down from the sky, the dead rising up and consuming the flesh of the living, mass suicides, and all the other crazy bullshit that happened. Could you believe it?

Oh wait, what? None of that shit happened? Did I hallucinate all that?

Yeah, I did. You really shouldn't do whippets when you're well into your late 20s.

Anyway, it's another Christmas that has come and gone, and now we approach the end of the year. So long 2012, hello 2013. In that regard, I just want to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's. That being said, what's the one thing that always comes with the New Year, other than a night of getting absolutely shit-faced and regrettably fucking your best friend's mother? Broken New Year's Resolutions, that's what. So here folks is my own personal list of New Year's Resolutions that I may try to keep, and that I probably won't.



That I will no longer post pictures of my penis all over the internet in the sad hope that someone will find it attractive.

That I will stop playing shitty NES and Genesis games for the first time in over 20 years.

That this Halloween, my first without old Paul, I'll make it the best tribute to him that I could ever hope to do.

That I'll go to see "Man of Steel" and not get pissed off enough to start launching projectiles at the screen.

That I'll pull out more often.

That one day I'll pick the guitar back up.

That I'll go back to writing.

That I'll finally get tatted after years of wavering about what I want to get and where exactly I wanna get it on my body.

That this will be four years without drugs.

That I'll take one more step to making my dreams come true.

That I won't do 180 degree head turns every time a chick with a nice ass walks the opposite direction.




That's all for now folks. See all y'all next year!