I'm About to Make You Feel Old

Look at that fucking guy right there. He looks like shit right? The thinning hair, the graying beard, the inbred genes finally rearing their ugly head. Poor old bastard.
So, you ready to feel old as shit?
Last time I talked about how it's the 20th anniversary of NHL 94, and I got nostalgic...so anyway...
It's 2014. This year I will hit the big 3-0 (no I'm not exactly looking forward to it) and it kind of terrifies me. It's not getting to 30 in itself (that alone is just plain surprising, and anyone who has known me well enough through the years will attest to that) that terrifies me per se, but the fact that so much which I hold in high regard, whether it be music, film, or whatever, is now older than I realized...so old now that it makes my head hurt.

Anyway, here's a list of shit hitting some unreal ages, so strap yourselves in folks:



Albums "Superunknown" by Soundgarden, "Jar of Flies" by Alice in Chains, "Far Beyond Driven" by Pantera, "Dookie" by Green Day, "The Downward Spiral" by Nine Inch Nails, "Point Blank" by Nailbomb, "This Toilet Earth" by Gwar, "Smash" by Offspring, "Throwing Copper" by Live, "Live Through This" by Hole, "Purple" by Stone Temple Pilots, "Voodoo Lounge" by the Rolling Stones, "Portrait of an American Family" by Marilyn Manson, "Burn My Eyes" by Machine Head, "Divine Intervention" by Slayer, "Youthanasia" by Megadeth, "Vitalogy" by Pearl Jam and the major label debuts from Weezer, Bush, and Korn were all released in 1994...they're all 20 years old.

April 5th marks the 20 year anniversary of Kurt Cobain's death.

The original "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is 40 years old, released in 1974.

Next year, "Jaws" will also turn 40.

"Tales from the Crypt" went off the air nearly 18 years ago in 1996.

The Nintendo GameBoy is 25 years old this year, released in 1989.

This year marks the 15th anniversary of the release of the Sega Dreamcast, as well as the first 3-D Sonic the Hedgehog-starring game, "Sonic Adventure".

The original "The Matrix" was released 15 years ago in 1999. So was Kevin Smith's "Dogma" and the classic "Fight Club".

"The Terminator" and "Ghostbusters" were released 30 years ago in 1984.

The original "Transformers" animated series and toyline debuted in North America 30 years ago
as well.

Image Comics, home to "Spawn", "Savage Dragon", "Witchblade", "The Walking Dead", and more, was founded 22 years ago in 1992.

"The Walking Dead" comic series has been running for 11 years, starting in 2003.

"Robot Chicken" first aired almost ten years ago, starting in 2005.

The original Universal Monster films, ("Dracula", "Frankenstein", and "The Mummy") are either over, or approaching, 80 years old.

Hulk Hogan left the WWF to sign with WCW in the summer of 1994.

The New York Rangers won their first Stanley Cup in 54 years in 1994.

In September 1994, Major League Baseball players went on a strike that cancelled the World Series.



So yeah...feel old yet?

20 Years of "NHL 94"

I really can't fucking believe that this game is 20 years old now. It sure doesn't seem like it's been that long does it? 20 years of "NHL 94", and it still stands as one of the best video game hockey experiences you'll ever pick up and play.

I was admittedly a little late to the "NHL 94" celebration, by about a year or two if I remember correctly. Up until that point I had grown up a hockey fan, and in the video game world I had managed to wear out my copies of "Blades of Steel" on the NES, along with "Mario Lemieux Hockey" and "NHLPA 93" on the Genesis. Once I got my hands on "NHL 94", none of those games seemed to matter much to me anymore.

"NHL 94" was a revelation in terms of gameplay and authenticity to the sport at the time. The introduction of the classic staple of the series, the one-timer was one new addition, along with added features like goalie controls, penalty shots, and board checks; all of which helped make "NHL 94" the most realistic hockey game to hit the market at that point. Not to mention the fact that even without half those features I just listed, this game would still be an absolute blast.

One thing I remember fondly was playing as the Blackhawks, solely for the fact that Jeremy Roenick was on the team. For some reason, Roenick was like the second coming of Jesus Christ right off the fucking cross in this game. He could score off wicked one-timers and wrist shots alike, and he could hit probably better than almost any other player in the game too. If you ever played as or against the Blackhawks, you knew that there was going to be some kind of carnage on the ice, whether it be reflected on the scoreboard or the penalty box. On another note, Cliff Ronning, then of the Vancouver Canucks, was pretty godlike himself in this game as well...and no, I don't know why either.

As the years would come and go, EA would release subsequent "NHL" games like they do all their sports franchises. While "NHL 95", "NHL 96", and "NHL 97" were all solid games in their own rights, they were never as groundbreaking or balls-out enjoyable as "NHL 94" was. "NHL 98", the last 16-bit EA hockey game, came pretty close to "NHL 94"s level, but the reality was that nothing would ever match, let alone top, what "NHL 94" managed to deliver.

The game's legacy can be felt even to this day, with various websites dedicated to online leagues using emulated versions of the Genesis and Super NES versions of the game updated with modern teams and players. The game has been re-released once as an extra on the PS2 version of "NHL 06" for some reason, and the recent "NHL 14" has an anniversary mode that is done in the "NHL 94" style (but it sucks) and various other game franchises have attempted to emulate what "NHL 94" did, whether it be Sega's old "NHL All-Star Hockey" franchise or 2K's recently retired "NHL 2K" series.

Bottom line, I'm really not telling you anything you probably don't already know anyway. "NHL 94" is a fucking masterpiece that every now and then I'll pop in today for old time's sake, and the fact that this is a sports game we're still worshipping 20 years later is truly something special. If you never played "NHL 94", you should. And if you don't like hockey for some reason, you deserve an ice skate kick to the groin. Repeatedly.

Trying to Make Sense of the NHL Lockout

Oh boy, it's like 2004 all over again...

At midnight last night, the NHL once again locked out their players, and it appears that hockey fans are ready to have another long work stoppage ahead of them. If you're leeping score at home, this is the third lockout in 18 years under the reign of commissionor Gary Bettman. The 1994-95 season was cut in half, while the 2004-05 season was wiped out completely, but there are some major differences between the last lockout and this one. For starters, the last lockout HAD to happen in order to fix the sport and the league for the better. A hard salary cap was implemented, in an effort to make small market teams competitive in a league that unneccessarily 30 teams. Now here we are in 2012, and having another lockout happen for few more reasons than the owners biting themselves in the ass.

With the implementation of a salary cap on the league, owners and GM's were limited on how much they could throw at players in order to build a contender, so something was created in order to lower a player's cap hit while getting away with paying them a shit load of money in the first few years of the deal: the super long 10-15 year contract that pretty much circumvents the cap. We saw a few deals like that this past summer with the dual deals Minnesota handed Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, as well as the offer sheet thrown at Shea Weber by Philadelphia, which Nashville surprisingly matched. Add to that the list of players that have ridiculously long contracts that are only structured as such to reduce their respective cap hits (Rick DiPietro, Ilya Kovalchuk, Alex Ovechkin, Tyler Myers, Christian Ehroff, Marian Hossa, Brad Richards, Roberto Luongo, Niklas Backstrom, Jeff Carter, Mike Richards, and more) and what we really have here are GM's and owners that need to be saved from themselves. They got themselves into this mess, and now they want to reduce the player's shared revenue because they fucked up and just want to cover their own asses.

There's a little more to the proceedings than all the GM/owner bullshit I mentioned above, as a good chunk of it boils down to Bettman not wanting to come close to anything related to a compromise with the NHLPA. With the League's yearly revenue at a record 3.3 billion, the NHL has never prospered so much as a whole ever before. Granted there are plenty of teams that are still (and always have) suffering from a lack of a fanbase (Phoenix, Columbus) but the NHL should count their blessings that fans came back in droves after the 04-05 lockout with arms wide open. If this lockout lasts a full season, don't expect the fans to come back like they did before, and I for one wouldn't blame them. In fact, if this lockout kills the whole season, I think I may even take a break from my beloved NHL watching. Though honestly I don't think it will last the whole season, mostly because there's so much more to lose this time around (The Winter Classic, HBO's 24/7) it's still fucking unbelievable that we're going through this bullshit AGAIN...but here we are.

Somebody needs to lock Bettman and NHLPA head Don Fehr in a room together and let them come to a fucking agreement. The fact that we're here again is not only mind-numbing, but fucking revolting. Play some goddamned hockey!

Mike Richards and Jeff Carter: The Bromance Continues

With the NHL trade deadline in the rearview mirror, it’s time to reflect on something that occurred shortly before the biggest day during the NHL regular season…

Jeff Carter and Mike Richards are back together. Oh yes folks, the bromance continues.

Now just let that sink in while I give a little bit of backstory here. Carter and Richards were at one time beloved teammates on the Philadelphia Flyers. The fans loved them, they loved each other, and they loved getting absolutely shit-faced in local bars in Old City, picking up chicks, and doing the whole same thing night after night. This habit of theirs is what sort of let to both of them getting dealt this past summer when management went through a massive roster shakeup (which has yet to pay any real dividends, nooch), but boy oh boy, the boys are back together.

While Richards was shipped to the Los Angeles Kings, Carter wound up in the asshole of the NHL, Columbus, Ohio, and stuck playing for the Blue Jackets. It was known well from the start that he wanted no such thing, but alas, he didn’t have much choice. Now, here we are in late February, and Carter didn’t just get his wish to get the fuck out of Columbus, but he’s re-united with his best bud Mike Richards. Let all this sink in one more time folks.

Carter and Richards are back together.

They’re playing in Los Angeles.

They like to drink a lot and fuck tons of chicks.

Yeah, none of this sounds like a recipe for hilarious debauchery at all.

For all the shit that Carter and Richards both got here in the Philly media can you really blame them for behaving how they did? Two guys in their mid-20s that are millionaires? Come on now, we’d all be doing the exact same shit in their position. Now maybe they’ve matured since their time here in Philly, but personally I’m hoping they haven’t, because goddamnit, I need some kind of off-the-ice entertainment involving hockey stars pulling out all the stops in making asses of themselves, because let’s face it…”Dry Island” is for pussies.

That and the fact that Sean Avery isn’t really around anymore to poke too much fun at anymore.



Oh yeah, and this year’s trade deadline action totally fucking sucked.

The 2012 NHL All-Star Game...*Yawn*

Ah yes, it’s that time of year during the NHL season. The annual NHL All-Star Game, this year held in Ottawa and featuring a slew of the NHL’s biggest names and faces. Well, the biggest names and faces that isn’t Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin anyway. Granted they had legitimate excuses, i.e. Crosby has a broken neck and a concussion (slight exaggeration) and Ovechkin is just being a douche bag, but other than that this year was the same old, same old.

This year also marked the second year in a row the “draft” system was used to select the player representatives of the opposing team. Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson led his team, while Boston Bruins captain Zdeno Chara led his, and a slew of players ranging from Evgeni Malkin, Corey Perry, the Sedin twins, Marian Gaborik, Phil Kessel, and more besides all joined in the festivities. There was the draft, there was the skills competition, and then there was the actual All-Star game itself.

In a nutshell, it was the same old shit.

Now I actually enjoy All-Star weekend for the most part, and this year was definitely better than last year’s affair for one solid reason: the NHL killed that ridiculous and just plain fucking retarded “Guardian Project” from last year that was the brain child of Stan Lee and an orangutan on angeldust. I’m not even kidding when I say that giving up on that abortion of an idea may have very well saved the All-Star game. I couldn’t imagine much of anyone, and I mean ANYONE, getting any kind of enjoyment out of that whole fiasco. Even small kids would have looked at that mess and said to themselves “what the fuck is this bullshit all about?”

But enough of my ranting, and on to the game itself. It was the typical All-Star game fare, with Chara’s team prevailing in the end and New York Rangers forward Marian Gaborik winning the game’s MVP award. At this point in my life as an NHL fan though, the All-Star game itself now comes off as being little more than the corporate handshaking, masturbatory event that every sports league presents every year. It just seemed more to be this time than ever before that the players themselves just didn’t give a shit for the most part. Granted we knew that veterans and future Hall of Famers Nicklas Lidstrom and Teemu Selanne requested to not be included prior to the selection process, and Ovechkin opted out citing his current suspension as the reason why he shouldn’t have to participate, but for some reason, this year just seemed to be different.

Although, we did learn a few things this time around. We learned that no matter what, getting picked last for anything is humiliating and makes for great media ribbing (Logan Couture went dead last this year after Phil Kessel was Mr. Irrelevant last year) while also awards said dead-last picked player with a new car (which the NHL provides because League execs feel bad about it apparently). We learned that singer/rapper/I don’t give a shit what he is Drake should never be allowed near a hockey rink. We also learned that Dion Phaneuf doesn’t have a vagina (possibly) and Flyers forward Scott Hartnell isn’t such a prick after all…but he’s still a ginger.

All things considered, this year’s All-Star Game was sort of fun in a way, but here’s hoping that the suits in the NHL office come up with some new ways to spice things up further down the road.

And when I say further down the road, I mean next fucking year.

Grading the 2012 Winter Classic

As a hockey fan, this year’s Winter Classic was a resounding success.

As a Flyers fan well…that’s a different story.

Despite all that though, the Winter Classic once again proved to be supremely entertaining, and every bit as enjoyable as the previous Winter Classic’s had been since debuting in 2008. We got it all: a nasty divisional rivalry, players knocking the ever-loving shit out of each other, and someone pretty much giving the finger to the opposing team (in this case, it was Mike Rupp scoring his first of two goals and doing a Jaromir Jagr-like salute, much to the dismay of Scott Hartnell who wanted to knock his head off).

All that being said, this year’s affair was also better presented than it was last year. Last year’s match between the Penguins and Capitals suffered from some shitty aerial camerawork and camera angles during gameplay that NBC thought was hip, and thankfully this time around, none of that happened. Instead, we got a whole shit-ton of replays. Now I don’t mind seeing a replay from a few different angles, but holy mother of fuck do we really need to see it six fucking times? No, we don’t. We get the point after the first couple. Unless it’s a replay of a questionable goal, we don’t need to see the same thing over and over again, no matter how many angles of it there are.

Flaws aside though, the game’s presentation was great. That, mixed with the accidental swearing that made the air (including Mike Milbury accidentally referring to the Rangers as the “Broadway Blueshits” instead of the Broadway Blueshirts, and the number of F-bombs from players picked up by audio on the ice) made for quite the entertaining afternoon. All we would have needed on top of all that was a good amount of snow fall to seal the deal, but alas, all we got were a few flurries.

It should also be noted that this year’s rendition of HBO’s 24/7 hasn’t been nearly as entertaining as last year’s, but I’ll be damned if Flyers goalie/salary cap albatross Ilya Bryzgalov hasn’t been an ass load of unintentional hilarity. From his musings of the universe to comparing his husky to a “hot girl”, he himself is the kind of character the Flyers roster needed…just not at 9 years and 51 million dollars worth (and gutting half your roster for either). Too bad the Flyers didn’t play him…or maybe it isn’t, then the game probably wouldn’t have been as close as it was.

Also, it goes without saying for me, but as someone growing up in the 90s with Flyers hockey, seeing Eric Lindros pass the puck to John LeClair for a goal during the Alumni Game on Saturday was a nostalgic blast. That event, plus the Winter Classic itself, is what makes the whole damn affair so special for hockey fans.

Now all we need to do is get rid of Pierre McGuire and all will be right with the world.

Uncensored "NHL 98" Review for Sega-16

In case you haven't noticed by now, I fucking love hockey. Everything about it, to actually strapping the skates on and making an ass out of myself, to popping in a good old hockey video game and playing as the video game versions of NHL players. "NHL 98" marked the end of an era, as it was the last 16-bit hockey videogame ever, and surprisingly one of the best. Here's the uncensored and unedited review of the game I wrote for Sega-16, so check it out!



NHL 98 (1997)

Published by Electronic Arts/T*HQ
Developed by High Score Entertainment

One thing that I noticed growing up owning a Sega Genesis was that for some reason, fighting and sports games generally always wound up being better on Sega’s console than they were on their 16-bit rival, the Super Nintendo. Hence my love for EA’s NHL series, which seemed to always deliver the goods in terms of 16-bit hockey action, even if the different yearly variations of the game didn’t appear to offer many differences from one another. NHL 98 is no different, as it helped send the Genesis off to the video game console afterlife by being the last hockey-themed video game to ever hit the system.

As I’ve already said, on the surface it appears that not much has changed cosmetically in terms of this edition of the series, and you’d be right to think so too. However, one thing that NHL 98 includes is a full-season mode, something that hadn’t been included before on previous games in the NHL series thus far for the Genesis. While playing throughout a whole 82 game season followed by the playoffs is the most standard mode of gameplay in hockey video games (or sports video games in general for that matter) today, seeing it unfold here back then was a 16 fucking bit revelation of sorts.

Other game modes include typical features like Exhibition, Playoff series, and a Penalty Shootout mode in addition to the Regular Season, plus NHL 98 also features the first appearance of the Carolina Hurricanes, who had relocated from being the Hartford Whalers of years past. Also included here are international teams which are spectacularly fun to play around with, albeit they aren’t the player rosters that were featured in the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano since Midway managed to swipe the video game rights before EA could even attempt to. Despite that though, the international teams are a nice little bonus regardless, even if we’re relegated to having to use Darren “who the fuck am I” Turcotte as the starting Center of Team USA.

Graphically nothing has really changed from previous releases in the series, but there are other changes and improvements made here that really help make NHL 98 so good. There’s “on-the-fly” style coaching tactics during gameplay which was a whole new feature at the time, and really enhances the overall gameplay mechanics instead of the usual “shoot, pass, hit” style that gamers had grown so accustomed to by this installment of the franchise. This also involves a bit of a change-up with the game’s control scheme, which includes the removal of the usual “double-tap” that was necessary to perform certain actions in past installments. All of this adds up to being the fastest and most refined installment of the NHL series on the Genesis, which is kind of fitting considering that this was the last hurrah of Genesis hockey.

The game’s overall presentation has been slightly improved as well, offering a fairly decent representation of a television-based broadcast. Various player and game stats are provided during stoppages in play, rounding out the overall package. The commentating has seen a bit of an upgrade as well this time around, and there’s even some all-new dialogue to boot. Even the arena crowd seems to have gotten a bit of an upgrade in terms of exuberance; with louder and more frequent cheers and jeers to go along with the typical crowd chants and rhythms of yelling “defense” and clapping along with the arena music.

Also debuting around the same time on higher-powered consoles the Playstation and the Genesis successor the Sega Saturn, NHL 98 was sort of seen as an afterthought by Electronic Arts for releasing on the Genesis and its 16-bit rival, the Super Nintendo. So much so as an afterthought that EA decided to employ THQ with the task of distribution rights for both systems, as well as doing the same with the 16-bit 98 editions of Madden and NBA Live as well. Personally, I always kind of found it ironic that the hockey coda on the Genesis would be one of the very best sports games to grace the console. NHL 94 will always be my favorite installment of the series (and to this day the best video game take on hockey ever in my humble drunken opinion), just based on the fact that it was the very first hockey video game I ever played and truly fell in love with, but make no mistake that NHL 98 ranks a very, very close second.

As mentioned before, the graphical drawbacks of NHL 98 fail to detract from the overall superb experience to be found here. Even though it was released in the final days of the Genesis’ lifecycle, this installment managed to take what had already been done so well, and only improve on it. What’s really disappointing though is how few people know about this overlooked gem of a 16-bit sports video game. Newer, fancier, more powerful consoles were out and making an impact on the video game industry, so it really isn’t any surprise that the Genesis edition of NHL 98 got lost in the mix, but the good news is that the game can be fairly easily found to this day, usually with a cheap price tag. That in itself only sweetens the overall deal, especially if you’re a hockey loving Genesis enthusiast, and if you are, NHL 98 deserves to be in your collection.

9/10

Death in the NHL

Derek Boogaard
Rick Rypien
Wade Belak



Those are the names of three NHL players who have all died during this summer. Three NHL players that all have something major in common besides the fact that they were professional hockey players: they were all fighters, otherwise known as “enforcers” or to use the old time hockey term, “goons”. They were all paid to go out on the ice for a few minutes of ice-time to do little more than rough up the opposition, to punch out opposing teams’ tough guys and get things going for their own team. Sheriffs of the ice in a way, and no matter what, always having a leadership impact on and off the ice.

Now all three men are dead, and the circumstances of their deaths are something else entirely.

Boogaard, in the first year of a four-year contract with the New York Rangers, died from a lethal combination of pain killers and alcohol, and was suffering from post-concussion syndrome and sat out most of his single season with the Rangers due to the injury.

Rypien, who had played parts of multiple seasons with the Vancouver Canucks and their minor league affiliate before signing with the newly resurrected Winnipeg Jets at the start of the NHL’s Free Agency period, had been said to have been a long-sufferer of depression, which is what is believed to have lead to his suicide only a few weeks ago.

Belak, a longtime and beloved pugilist who had announced his retirement from the Nashville Predators a few months ago in mid-season, was found dead last night in his condo. Belak, a husband and father, was known throughout the league as being a great guy in the locker room and outside of hockey, which makes his apparent suicide all the more baffling for the time being.

What the hell is going on in the NHL with its enforcers? All three players had varying degrees of injury history, with Boogaard being the only one that had major concussion issues, but the fact that all three died within such a short time of each other just makes things all the more heartbreaking, and all the more head-scratching as well. Does living the life of being an NHL goon take a toll on a person that no one can ever really know?

Only a few months ago, legendary tough guy Bob Probert passed away as well. Probert, who had substance abuse issues while he played in the NHL, desired that his brain be donated to science to be studied for the effects that concussions have on the human brain, after suffering a few himself during his career, a number of which being undiagnosed. Even before Probert passed away, and before any of these three players’ lives were cut short, the NHL was finally starting to take a serious look at the issue of concussions in the sport. Just this past year alone, we’ve seen players like Marc Savard (whose career looks like it’s over) and Max Pacioretty (who was the subject of a past blog after being almost two steps away from getting assfucked by Zdeno Chara’s hockey stick) suffered major concussions, as did league superstar and NHL poster child Sidney Crosby, who is still suffering lingering effects months later and is unknown when he’ll be able to play again after suffering what may be multiple concussions in a short amount of time.

The concussion issue is one thing the NHL needs to handle, and believe it or not, so is substance abuse. American football is certainly a brutal sport, but there is no other major North American sport that sees its players down painkillers like the NHL. It’s understandable, it’s not like many regular people could survive and absorb a hit from a guy like Shea Weber without feeling a little tingle, but the link between massive injuries that go undiagnosed and the use of painkillers is something that needs to be handled right the fuck right now by the NHL. Don’t believe me? Ask Eric Lindros or Paul Kariya what it’s like to get multiple concussions and still keep coming back. Look at Theo Fleury’s career often playing better drunk than his teammates could sober. It’s a problem that’s always existed in the league in one form or another; it’s just now that the situation is finally coming to light.

It’s just a shame that it’s come to this to make people and the league finally take notice as to just what the fuck is going on here.

Derek Boogaard, Rick Rypien, and Wade Belak; R.I.P.

The Bruins Win the Cup, and the Hockey Gods Piss on Vancouver...a Lot

I said it before and I’ll say it again, the official tagline for the NHL should be, “this is hockey, shit happens”. Such a description would have been a perfect fit in the aftermath of the final showdown between the Canucks and Bruins, as the shit really hit the fan in various parts of Vancouver. That above picture? It’s made the rounds and in the span of a few days, has become quite famous…more than likely because we’re about two degrees away from seeing this chick’s snatch pop out, but I digress. What happened in Vancouver was a travesty and a shock...both in terms of the destruction and the hockey game itself.

The Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup…and the hockey gods once again took out their collective wangs and took a big ‘ol piss on the Vancouver Canucks. If only the hockey gods would have kept their streams going long enough to put out the fires in Vancouver afterwards when the city went apeshit in the wake of seeing their hometown NHL team get blown out in a Game 7 loss to the Bruins that decided the Cup, only adding to the fact that in the 40 years of their existence, the Canucks have never won shit. The last time the Canucks were in the Finals was the first time: 1994 against the Mark Messier-led New York Rangers, who also took the Canucks to seven games before winning it all. That same pain and anguish that was all over the faces of than Canucks like Trevor Linden, Pavel Bure, and Kirk McLean was seen again on current Canucks Ryan Kesler, Roberto Luongo, and of course the Henrik and Daniel Sedin.

To make a long story short, the Bruins earned the Cup just based on the fact that they outworked the Canucks in nearly every way. They played physical, knocked the Sedin’s around, made Kesler ineffectual, and made Luongo look like the worst goalie on the planet. Were it not for having the ageless Tim Thomas in net and the hulking Zdeno Chara patrolling the defense, who knows how the matchup would have turned out instead? And speaking of Thomas, the Bruins goalie continues to defy odds. He’s pushing 40 years old, and spent a majority of his career in the minors before ever playing an NHL game, and now he’s a Cup winner, a playoff MVP, and will more than likely capture his second Vezina Trophy for league’s top goaltender. The other ageless one on the Bruins roster, former Flyer Mark Recchi, has called it a career after winning his third Cup with a third franchise. Next stop for Recchi: Hall of Fame.

All things considered when matched up against one another, the Canucks should have had this one in the bag. I myself picked them to win the Cup in 5 or 6 games, along with a lot of other hockey analysts as well. This isn’t necessarily because I loathe the shit out of the Bruins, but because the Canucks just outmatch them in terms of skill play…but shit like that doesn’t mean a goddamn thing apparently if you keep getting your ass handed to you on the ice night after night, game after game. As much as I hate admitting it, the Bruins earned this Cup, their first in 39 years. Plus, it was bittersweet in a way finally getting to see Bruin legend Cam Neely lift the Cup over his head. A monster power-forward in his day, Neely (who began his career as a Canuck first ironically enough) retired early due to a degenerative health condition, and sits in the B’s front office today, so seeing him lift the Cup was a happy moment of sorts. And, to be even more totally honest, I enjoyed watching tears drip down the face of Robbie Luongo. All we have to do now is throw some black and white makeup on him and he’ll look like “The Crow” (yeah I said it).

The Boston Bruins are your 2011 Stanley Cup Champions. I’m now taking the over/under how long it takes for Marc Savard to get another concussion due to Milan Lucic accidentally (?) dropping the Cup on his head. Place ‘em now bitches.

Breaking Down the Stanley Cup Finals

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again, the time of year when there are only two NHL teams left to duke it out for the greatest trophy in all of sports: the Stanley Cup. Our two teams left are the Vancouver Canucks and the Boston Bruins, one team has never won the cup, and the other hasn’t won it in eons. One team is notorious for playing dirty, the other is known for being the most skilled in the league this year. I’m going to try to break down everything you need to know going in to what should be a very entertaining Stanley Cup Finals showdown.

On the side of the Vancouver Canucks, this is a team that has never ever won a Stanley Cup in their entire history. The last time they were in the Finals was 1994 when they ran into the Mark Messier-led New York Rangers, and were heartbroken in seven games. This year’s Canucks team is probably the most impressive team that has ever been assembled in the history of the franchise: Henrik Sedin is the reigning MVP; while his twin brother Daniel Sedin led the league in scoring is up for the MVP this year. Ryan Kesler (remember when the Flyers signed him to an offer sheet?) has transformed into one of the absolute best two-way forwards in the league, and goaltender Roberto Luongo has appeared to finally get the monkey off his back in terms of playoff failures. Those players, plus the stingy defense led by Kevin Bieksa, owned the best regular season record in the NHL, yet nearly got knocked out in the first round by last year’s champs, the Chicago Blackhawks. Despite that though, the Canucks were put together to win it all before the season even started.

On the side of the Boston Bruins, we have some of the dirtiest and nastiest sons of bitches around. Team captain Zdeno Chara is a seven-foot tall monster who practically broke Montreal Canadiens forward Max Pacioretty’s neck as the regular season drew to a close. Oh, and he’s also one of the toughest and best all-around defensemen in the NHL today. Power forward Milan Lucic is a nasty bastard himself, and is practically the reincarnation of Hall of Famer and Bruin legend Cam Neely (who ironically enough, began his career as a Canuck, but I digress), and has the power to change the flow of a game thanks to his style of play. While the Bruins don’t have the same kind of talent that the Canucks possess, they make it up in toughness and leadership, thanks to veteran goalie and Vezina Trophy (goaltender of the year) shoe-in Tim Thomas, and the ageless Mark Recchi, who even at 42, still plays better than most 20-something’s in the league today.

On a head-to-head matchup scale, the Canucks definitely outmatch the Bruins. The Canucks win on the talent scale alone, but the Bruins are definitely the more physical and punishing team. As long as the Canucks don’t let the Bruins style of play throw them off their finesse game, the Cup is as good as theirs. I for one would love to see the Canucks win it all here, but that’s mostly because I hate the Bruins with a passion, and always will.

On a side note here, if you want to try something fun, try and find how many ex-Flyers/Flyers properties are in the Final between both teams (I do this every year and am always shocked at the number I come up with). By my count, I’ve got Mark Recchi, Dennis Seidenberg, Ryan Kesler (signed to an offer sheet), Dan Hamhuis (Flyers owned his rights), and Andrew Alberts by my count.

This is going to be an entertaining series regardless though…all we need to make it sweeter is have a dramatic return of Marc Savard only to get another concussion, and see Tomas Kaberle get his head shoved up his ass by Alex Burrows.

One can only hope anyway…

This is Hockey, Shit Happens

That picture is of Montreal Canadiens winger Max Pacioretty, who took a brutal hit from Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara and lay motionless on the ice afterwards before being taken away on a stretcher. Pacioretty suffered a severe concussion and a fractured vertebra, and Chara received no suspension or punishment from the NHL for his hit. In a time when everyone is criticizing the NHL for hits to the head, this is a terrible incident indeed.

Chara is being made to look like asshole of the year by the Montreal media, and since he’s managed to escape discipline by the League, many are accusing him of purposely attempting to injure Pacioretty on the play. The hit has generated tons of views on YouTube and TSN, and anyone with any kind of hockey knowledge can see that the hit itself wasn’t dirty one fucking bit. Reckless? Definitely. Chara is a huge man, the tallest player in NHL history coming in at nearly seven feet tall on skates, and has established himself as one of the most punishing defensemen in the League today. He’s also been in the League for a long time, which makes it kind of hard to believe he’d lay out such a reckless hit, but emotions on the ice are so heightened this time of year, and with the history both teams have (the brawl earlier this season both teams engaged in for example) and with both in a heated playoff race, it can be excusable as to why Chara wasn’t thinking with his head.

It has also been announced that there will be a police investigation into Chara’s hit, with the possibility that Chara could be charged for assault. This in itself is flat out ridiculous. Hockey is one of the most violent sports on the planet. I’ve seen players like Alexi Yashin and Donald Audette get their wrists sliced open by skates. Richard Zednik had his throat slashed by a couple years back. Bryan Berard practically lost an eye from getting the butt-end of a stick smacked in his face. Marty McSorley nearly decapitated Donald Brashear with his stick from behind. And last, but certainly not least, Todd Bertuzzi broke Steve Moore’s neck and faced assault charges and lawsuits as well; an event that this Chara incident just so happened to take place on the anniversary of.

Even though the NHL disciplinarian’s methods are sketchy at best (Matt Cooke could get away with murder just because he’s a Penguin), Chara’s hit didn’t look like he meant to injure Pacioretty, and the NHL agreed. It’s tragic, because Pacioretty may never be able to play again, but it’s a risk that comes with playing hockey for a living, and the sooner people realize that, the better the sport will be as a whole. I sincerely hope that Pacioretty recovers and laces the skates up again one day, and even if he doesn’t, I don’t believe that Chara committed any kind of criminal act.

One last thing, why is it that the only major press the NHL receives on ESPN or sports news in general revolves around something bad happening? I know that hockey is a niche sport, and that it’s probably one of (if not the) most violent around, but why does always receive such negative press for Christ’s sake? I truly believe the NHL should change their tagline from being “the coolest game on Earth” to “this is hockey, shit happens”.

Uncensored "Bulls VS Blazers" review for Sega-16...motherfucker.

Below is the complete, unedited, and uncensored review for the Genesis sports dirge known as "Bulls VS Blazers & The NBA Playoffs". This is my first review for the Sega Genesis tribute site Sega-16, and hopefully more will be on the way.

Here's the link for the review as it appears on the site (if it doesn't link, just copy & paste it into your browser, because this fucker is being tempremental today):
http://www.sega-16.com/review_page.php?id=202&title=Bulls vs Blazers & the NBA Playoffs

And here's the review in all its nasty glory!



Before NBA Live became their annual basketball moneymaker, also known as the same game released every year with little to no updates besides the team rosters, Electronic Arts' EA Sports imprint made some solid basketball sims for the Genesis that directly followed the NBA playoffs of the year before. Bulls vs. Blazers and the NBA Playoffs follows in the footsteps of the previous editions Lakers vs. Celtics and Bulls vs. Lakers. On the surface, there isn't much difference between BvB and those two games which came before it, but nevertheless, this is one enjoyable basketball game, and one of the better basketball games that you'll find in the system's library, which so happens to feature a surprising shit-ton of basketball games.

Picking from one of the sixteen teams that made 1992 playoffs (I remember this upsetting me a bit in my youth for the game not featuring my beloved Sixers, even though NBA Hall of Famer and then Sixer Charles Barkley is featured on one of the game's all-star squads), BvB owns a place in sports video game history by being the first game allowing the player to create their own fantasy team, in which you can have Jordan and Jordan duke it out, or even have a whole team consisting of nothing but duplicate Michael Jordan's or whomever else you desire (or a whole team of Mark Eaton's...yes, freakish Mark fucking Eaton's running all over the court...total nightmare). And yes, if for some reason I haven't driven the point enough already into your skulls, the legendary NBA superstar is here in all his glory, which is an ultra-rarity in itself in the world of basketball video games, let alone ones from the 16-bit era. Certain players are also able to perform their signature dunks, a majority of which look alike to one another, but this is the 16-bit Genesis we're talking about here, so you just have to take what you can get out of it.

BvB features some surprisingly good graphics for its time and some startlingly good sound effects as well. The squeak of player's shoes on the hardwood and the whistle of the officials all sound crisp and clear, with only the voice-overs sounding slightly grainy. Graphically, the character models resemble their real-life counterparts, although after a while you'll notice how there are only so many different head models to use for different players. Despite that though, the game still looks good for its time in terms of 16-bit graphics as the players move fluidly, and most of their signature dunks are well animated enough.

The basketball mechanics are solid, and the game is easy enough for newcomers to pick up and play without too much of a steep learning curve. One thing that is noticeable (and current-gen developers should take note of this) is that the game actually gets more challenging the deeper you progress in the playoffs. The NBA finals are no cakewalk here, and if you win the title here, trust me when I say that you've earned it. BvB doesn't feature a battery-backed save feature (which wasn't just yet a staple in sports video games cartridges, because God knows that could have made things so much less cumbersome in the long run), so a password system is implemented in order to save your playoff progress. Thankfully, the game's password system is short and sweet like a pornstar midget (yeah I said it), unlike a number of other password-featured games of the time which feature more cumbersome and flat out annoying codes to enter.

When you take everything that BvB offers, you'll soon realize just how ahead of its time this game was in its day. Calling this game a sim is the right term to use, as it just lacks that feel of an arcade-like endeavor. The opponent AI is beatable, but it just doesn't lay down and let you pass and shoot all over it either, which is something else that EA would do well by looking back into their past for inspiration with all the recent fuck-ups that have popped up of late (or can be plainly put as that the game was so bad and EA knew it), resulting in shelving its latest NBA game (NBA Elite) before this past holiday season. That in itself is really saying something about EA here. The publisher has always been known as profit before quality in terms of a majority of their games, and the fact that they didn't even want to release what was practically a finished product just shows you right there how much of a total piece of dogshit we were saved from ever sticking in our consoles.

Whew! Sorry, went off on a bit of a tangent there for a second. Anyway, the gameplay of BvB may come off as kind of slow and sluggish for those who are unaccustomed to this sort of thing. Those more familiar with free-flowing arcade-type basketball games like NBA Jam or NBA Street will find little to enjoy here, but for those who grew up with this game, you know damn well what you're getting here. All things considered, this was truly the game-changing beginning for basketball videogames, even though it was at this point the third installment in EA's then-annual series.

All in all, just like the two games that came before it, Bulls vs. Blazers and the NBA Playoffs laid the groundwork for EA's NBA Live franchise, and for a number of other basketball titles to follow as well. BvB is a worthwhile (and generally pretty cheap, even complete with case and instruction manual) pick up for your Genesis collection if you desire some vintage basketball action that delivers the goods. If you want the whole regular season & playoffs with all the teams involved though you're shit out of luck here and you'll want to look elsewhere. Still though, you could do a lot worse in terms of Genesis hoops than Bulls vs. Blazers and the NBA Playoffs, so try not to be a dumbass about it.

The best damn hockey names in the NHL today

As you've more than likely realized by now, I'm a huge hockey fan, always have been and always will be. That being said, if it's one thing I've often noticed in hockey, more so than any other sport, is that hockey players tend to have some just plain awesome sounding names. Sometimes they've been a little laughable (Joe Nieuwendyk...come on, just say it without snickering) and more often than not they've been more difficult to pronounce than they should (Guilliame Latendresse...yeah, say that three times fast), but there's just something about some hockey player's names that you can't helo but adore.

Below I've compiled a list of current NHL players who have the best damn names in the league. The list has been put together in no particular order (organized by team order actually), just for the fact that besides good 'ol Cal Clutterbuck (just say that name in your head...okay, now imagine him checking the shit out of someone, looking down at them and saying "you just got Clutterbucked"), it's just hard to pick a hands-down favorite. Enjoy!




Teemu Selanne - Anaheim Ducks

Dustin Byfuglien - Atlanta Thrashers

Johnny Oduya - Atlanta Thrashers

Adam McQuaid - Boston Bruins (put a "Mc" before any name and it automatically sounds awesome)

Jeff Skinner - Carolina Hurricanes

Rob Klinkhammer - Chicago Blackhawks

Kevin Shattenkirk - Colorado Avalanche (a combination of William Shatner and Captain Kirk? Hmmmm.....)

Fedor Tyutin - Columbus Blue Jackets

Jamie Langenbrunner - Dallas Stars

Karlis Skrastins - Dallas Stars

Justin Abdelkader - Detroit Red Wings

Magnus Paajarvi - Edmonton Oilers

Keaton Ellerby - Florida Panthers

Bryan McCabe - Florida Panthers (see Adam McQuaid)

Jack Johnson - Los Angeles Kings (not because of the musician, just because it sounds cool)

Ryan Smyth - Los Angeles Kings (just for the spelling of his last name alone)

Michal Handzus - Los Angeles Kings (when he played for the Flyers, every time he got the puck, fans would yell "ZEUS"! to my knowledge, they still do)

Cal Clutterbuck - Minnesota Wild (the grand-daddy of 'em all!)

Mike Cammalleri - Montreal Canadiens

P.K. Subban - Montreal Canadiens

Shea Weber - Nashville Predators

Travis Zajac - New Jersey Devils

Zenon Konopka - New York Islanders

Bruno Gervais - New York Islanders

Wojtek Wolski - New York Rangers

Michael Del Zotto - New York Rangers

Henrik Lundqvist - New York Rangers

Mats Zuccarello - New York Rangers

Jarkko Ruutu - Ottawa Senators

Filip Kuba - Ottawa Senators

Kimmo Timonen - Philadelphia Flyers

Scottie Upshall - Phoenix Coyotes

Vernon Fiddler - Phoenix Coyotes

Paul "Biz Nasty" Bissonnette - Phoenix Coyotes

Deryk Engelland - Pittsburgh Penguins

Logan Couture - San Jose Sharks

Antero Nittymaki - San Jose Sharks

Carlo Colaiacovo - St. Louis Blues

BJ Crombeen - St. Louis Blues

Steven Stamkos - Tampa Bay Lightning

Martin St. Louis - Tampa Bay Lightning

Clarke MacArthur - Toronto Maple Leafs

Carl Gunnarsson - Toronto Maple Leafs

Manny Malhotra - Vancouver Canucks

Roberto Luongo - Vancouver Canucks




...and that's pretty much it. Any ones I missed? Discuss!

Why HBO and the NHL need to unite again

Last time around I talked about the Winter Classic, and how NBC practically fucked the whole thing up due to their "creative" choices in camera work. One thing that I neglected to mention was the amazing four-part documentary that led up to the annual NHL mega-event, "24/7: Penguins/Capitals". If you missed out on this four hour long special and you're an NHL fan, you've been done a great disservice.

Anyway, what "24/7" managed to do was give viewers an inside view on the locker room interactions, day-to-day team affairs, and portraits of various players on both the Penguins and Capitals, leading up to the Winter Classic. It was profane, it was surprisingly graphic, and it was undoubtedly honest as well, as the series began with the Penguins sitting high atop the standings and superstar Sidney Crosby in the middle of a massive points-streak, while Alex Ovechkin and his Capitals were mirred in a big losing streak. By the time the documentary came to an end, viewers were given an on-ice view of the action on the rink, and it was just simply brilliant.

What I'm trying to get at here is that this is something that the NHL and HBO both need to do again. In press interviews or intermission reports, NHL players more often than not come off as humble, relatively polite, and have little in the way of personality, but as "24/7" showed us, that just isn't quite the case. The on-ice mayhem and shit talking, combined with the behind-the-scenes developments of the respective teams made for compulsive television watching. So much so that the ratings for this edition of "24/7" was a ratings juggernaut for HBO, coinciding with the ratings smash that this year's Winter Classic wound up being as well.

This is a sure-fire way to draw new fans into the sport of hockey and the NHL itself all at the same time. By providing these intimate looks at the players, teams, coaches, and even the fucking refs (who surprisingly came off as some just plain cool sons of bitches), one can learn just what the sport really is all about, and just how truly special a sport it is.

NHL athletes have more passion for their sport than any other brand of athlete in any other sport in the world today.

Don't believe me? Take a look at that picture (above) of Capitals center Matt Hendricks again.

That's what I thought.

Come on HBO, work some more magic with the NHL again, and soon.

Fucking up the Winter Classic

The NHL Winter Classic has become the “event” that it was set out to be when originally conceived by the executives of the National Hockey League some time ago, and both the League and the fans alike are the better for it. What’s more exciting than the idea of watching hockey players grind it out against the elements? Absolutely nothing, this is hockey the way it was meant to be…

…you know, minus the shitty camera work that is.

Saturday night’s edition of the now yearly New Year’s Day event found NBC putting to use a similar camerawork style akin to that of what they do for their NFL games. The end result of this “creative” take on hockey is nothing more than a shitstorm of frustration for NHL fans. Corner battles for the puck were practically incomprehensible to watch, as was keeping track of the puck itself. I remember years back when the NHL was on FOX, a colored trail was used to help viewers keep track of where the puck bounced and flew on the ice (no, I can’t remember what the hell it was called exactly, and I’m too damned tired to look it up on fucking Wikipedia too, so blow me), and even that wouldn’t have worked out well here.

On one hand, I applaud NBC and the NHL for wanting to spice things up to draw in more viewers, because the NHL really does need them. Granted that ratings are the highest they’ve been for the League in quite some time, and the League as a whole is doing better than they have years before the lockout (both of them) ever loomed, but for some reason the sport just doesn’t have the viewership of the NFL, NBA, or MLB. That being said, with lockouts and labor issues looming for both the NFL and NBA, apparently ESPN is looking to give the NHL another shot since giving them up after the last lockout concluded. Let’s hope so, and then we may actually have some great play-by-play commentary again.

Speaking of the commentary, I like Doc Emrick as much as the next hockey fan, but other announcers and analysts on the NBC/VERSUS roster like Eddie Olczyk, Mike Milbury, and Darren Pang (God I hate him so much, always have) are so horrible and nerve-grating that I pine for the days of ESPN-flavored hockey. Could anyone call a better game than Gary Thorne? Fuck no! To this day, he’s still the first guy that pops in my head when thinking about calling a hockey game play-by-play, and I sure fucking hope to Christ that if/when ESPN takes another shot at the NHL, he’s the main man to go to.

Keep in mind that I know hockey doesn’t offer the same kind of universal appeal that watching a bunch of ‘roided up dudes in jocks wrassle around a field grabbing each other to get a hold of a dead pig has, so this may or may not have any kind of relevance to you whatsoever. If it doesn’t…well, suck my ass then ya bunch of pricks.



Uncle Nick needs another shot of motor oil…

LeBron joins the Heat

Okay, scratch what I said last time around about it being record time for quickness between blog entries, but this is something I'm doing at spur of the moment and just can't fucking ignore.

Who in the holy fuck does Lebron James think he is?

I had said before that the NBA is more or less loaded with nothing but prima donna athletes who make big money for doing little to nothing on the court, with only a handful of true superstars around, Lebron being one of them. I had also mentioned how this summer's Free Agency period was nothing like the NBA had ever seen before. Well, it hasn't been. Never before had a group of free agents (Lebron, Dwayne Wade, and Chris Bosh) practically held the NBA hostage while they grouped together and formulated their playing destinations. All three have chosen to play for the Miami Heat, of which Wade has played for his whole career and won a title with a few years back.

My question as to just who does Lebron think he is relates to the fact that tonight he held an hour long press conference on ESPN to announce his decision on whether or not he would stay with the Cleveland Cavaliers or sign elsewhere. That's right, he held his own prime-time special on worldwide television, and we all ate right out of his hands in return. I'll grant you the fact that he is by and far the biggest Free Agent prize that perhaps the NBA has ever seen, and may very well be one of the best players to take to the court in the past decade, but seriously now, who would really take it upon themselves to take themselves so seriously to the point that they feel the need to broadcast live on TV their intentions and decision as to where the fuck they are going to be playing next season?

Take these things into consideration before any Lebron supporters bash me here: just this past post-season, we witnessed Lebron flat out quit on his team in the Eastern Conference semis, and the passed couple seasons we've witnessed similar playoff meltdowns. The Cavs tried their best to keep him, and considering the fact that this guy is their only bread & butter, they damn sure better have tried. From firing a coach he was tired of playing for (Mike Brown), just hiring the coach he said he wanted to have (Byron Scott), and attempting to lure in a supporting cast of players over the past couple seasons to try to actually win a title (Ilgauskas, Shaq, Ben Wallace, etc.), look what it got them in the end. Lebron always knew he was going to bolt Cleveland, granted I figured it would either be for the Knicks or Nets, but now that Bosh and D-Wade are with the Heat, Lebron joining them makes sense if a title is truly what he wants.

Back to the point I'm attempting to make in asking just who the fuck Lebron thinks he is, take this into consideration as well. He wears (or at least wore) 23, and has been compared to Jordan quite a bit during his career. And while Jordan had his share of moments of publicity (multiple retirements aside), he never believed himself to be bigger than the game. His post-career attitude aside, Jordan was the best in the business and he knew as such. Lebron knows he's practically the best in the business with no ring to show for it, and now here's the best opportunity he could ever get to win a championship.

All that aside though, this act tonight shows that Lebron believes himself to be bigger than the game and the league as a whole, and while he may want to win it all now more than anything else, his legacy will truly be written on what happens in the upcoming seasons he's signed his name on the dotted line to participate in. And if Lebron ends up coming up on the short end of the stick, this night will be remembered as nothing else but a whole lot of flash, and little more than a dog and pony show.

...and before anyone says anything, yes I may be a Knicks fan, but I'm not bitter that we didn't get Lebron...much