The 2012 NHL All-Star Game...*Yawn*

Ah yes, it’s that time of year during the NHL season. The annual NHL All-Star Game, this year held in Ottawa and featuring a slew of the NHL’s biggest names and faces. Well, the biggest names and faces that isn’t Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin anyway. Granted they had legitimate excuses, i.e. Crosby has a broken neck and a concussion (slight exaggeration) and Ovechkin is just being a douche bag, but other than that this year was the same old, same old.

This year also marked the second year in a row the “draft” system was used to select the player representatives of the opposing team. Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson led his team, while Boston Bruins captain Zdeno Chara led his, and a slew of players ranging from Evgeni Malkin, Corey Perry, the Sedin twins, Marian Gaborik, Phil Kessel, and more besides all joined in the festivities. There was the draft, there was the skills competition, and then there was the actual All-Star game itself.

In a nutshell, it was the same old shit.

Now I actually enjoy All-Star weekend for the most part, and this year was definitely better than last year’s affair for one solid reason: the NHL killed that ridiculous and just plain fucking retarded “Guardian Project” from last year that was the brain child of Stan Lee and an orangutan on angeldust. I’m not even kidding when I say that giving up on that abortion of an idea may have very well saved the All-Star game. I couldn’t imagine much of anyone, and I mean ANYONE, getting any kind of enjoyment out of that whole fiasco. Even small kids would have looked at that mess and said to themselves “what the fuck is this bullshit all about?”

But enough of my ranting, and on to the game itself. It was the typical All-Star game fare, with Chara’s team prevailing in the end and New York Rangers forward Marian Gaborik winning the game’s MVP award. At this point in my life as an NHL fan though, the All-Star game itself now comes off as being little more than the corporate handshaking, masturbatory event that every sports league presents every year. It just seemed more to be this time than ever before that the players themselves just didn’t give a shit for the most part. Granted we knew that veterans and future Hall of Famers Nicklas Lidstrom and Teemu Selanne requested to not be included prior to the selection process, and Ovechkin opted out citing his current suspension as the reason why he shouldn’t have to participate, but for some reason, this year just seemed to be different.

Although, we did learn a few things this time around. We learned that no matter what, getting picked last for anything is humiliating and makes for great media ribbing (Logan Couture went dead last this year after Phil Kessel was Mr. Irrelevant last year) while also awards said dead-last picked player with a new car (which the NHL provides because League execs feel bad about it apparently). We learned that singer/rapper/I don’t give a shit what he is Drake should never be allowed near a hockey rink. We also learned that Dion Phaneuf doesn’t have a vagina (possibly) and Flyers forward Scott Hartnell isn’t such a prick after all…but he’s still a ginger.

All things considered, this year’s All-Star Game was sort of fun in a way, but here’s hoping that the suits in the NHL office come up with some new ways to spice things up further down the road.

And when I say further down the road, I mean next fucking year.

The Bruins Win the Cup, and the Hockey Gods Piss on Vancouver...a Lot

I said it before and I’ll say it again, the official tagline for the NHL should be, “this is hockey, shit happens”. Such a description would have been a perfect fit in the aftermath of the final showdown between the Canucks and Bruins, as the shit really hit the fan in various parts of Vancouver. That above picture? It’s made the rounds and in the span of a few days, has become quite famous…more than likely because we’re about two degrees away from seeing this chick’s snatch pop out, but I digress. What happened in Vancouver was a travesty and a shock...both in terms of the destruction and the hockey game itself.

The Boston Bruins won the Stanley Cup…and the hockey gods once again took out their collective wangs and took a big ‘ol piss on the Vancouver Canucks. If only the hockey gods would have kept their streams going long enough to put out the fires in Vancouver afterwards when the city went apeshit in the wake of seeing their hometown NHL team get blown out in a Game 7 loss to the Bruins that decided the Cup, only adding to the fact that in the 40 years of their existence, the Canucks have never won shit. The last time the Canucks were in the Finals was the first time: 1994 against the Mark Messier-led New York Rangers, who also took the Canucks to seven games before winning it all. That same pain and anguish that was all over the faces of than Canucks like Trevor Linden, Pavel Bure, and Kirk McLean was seen again on current Canucks Ryan Kesler, Roberto Luongo, and of course the Henrik and Daniel Sedin.

To make a long story short, the Bruins earned the Cup just based on the fact that they outworked the Canucks in nearly every way. They played physical, knocked the Sedin’s around, made Kesler ineffectual, and made Luongo look like the worst goalie on the planet. Were it not for having the ageless Tim Thomas in net and the hulking Zdeno Chara patrolling the defense, who knows how the matchup would have turned out instead? And speaking of Thomas, the Bruins goalie continues to defy odds. He’s pushing 40 years old, and spent a majority of his career in the minors before ever playing an NHL game, and now he’s a Cup winner, a playoff MVP, and will more than likely capture his second Vezina Trophy for league’s top goaltender. The other ageless one on the Bruins roster, former Flyer Mark Recchi, has called it a career after winning his third Cup with a third franchise. Next stop for Recchi: Hall of Fame.

All things considered when matched up against one another, the Canucks should have had this one in the bag. I myself picked them to win the Cup in 5 or 6 games, along with a lot of other hockey analysts as well. This isn’t necessarily because I loathe the shit out of the Bruins, but because the Canucks just outmatch them in terms of skill play…but shit like that doesn’t mean a goddamn thing apparently if you keep getting your ass handed to you on the ice night after night, game after game. As much as I hate admitting it, the Bruins earned this Cup, their first in 39 years. Plus, it was bittersweet in a way finally getting to see Bruin legend Cam Neely lift the Cup over his head. A monster power-forward in his day, Neely (who began his career as a Canuck first ironically enough) retired early due to a degenerative health condition, and sits in the B’s front office today, so seeing him lift the Cup was a happy moment of sorts. And, to be even more totally honest, I enjoyed watching tears drip down the face of Robbie Luongo. All we have to do now is throw some black and white makeup on him and he’ll look like “The Crow” (yeah I said it).

The Boston Bruins are your 2011 Stanley Cup Champions. I’m now taking the over/under how long it takes for Marc Savard to get another concussion due to Milan Lucic accidentally (?) dropping the Cup on his head. Place ‘em now bitches.

Breaking Down the Stanley Cup Finals

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again, the time of year when there are only two NHL teams left to duke it out for the greatest trophy in all of sports: the Stanley Cup. Our two teams left are the Vancouver Canucks and the Boston Bruins, one team has never won the cup, and the other hasn’t won it in eons. One team is notorious for playing dirty, the other is known for being the most skilled in the league this year. I’m going to try to break down everything you need to know going in to what should be a very entertaining Stanley Cup Finals showdown.

On the side of the Vancouver Canucks, this is a team that has never ever won a Stanley Cup in their entire history. The last time they were in the Finals was 1994 when they ran into the Mark Messier-led New York Rangers, and were heartbroken in seven games. This year’s Canucks team is probably the most impressive team that has ever been assembled in the history of the franchise: Henrik Sedin is the reigning MVP; while his twin brother Daniel Sedin led the league in scoring is up for the MVP this year. Ryan Kesler (remember when the Flyers signed him to an offer sheet?) has transformed into one of the absolute best two-way forwards in the league, and goaltender Roberto Luongo has appeared to finally get the monkey off his back in terms of playoff failures. Those players, plus the stingy defense led by Kevin Bieksa, owned the best regular season record in the NHL, yet nearly got knocked out in the first round by last year’s champs, the Chicago Blackhawks. Despite that though, the Canucks were put together to win it all before the season even started.

On the side of the Boston Bruins, we have some of the dirtiest and nastiest sons of bitches around. Team captain Zdeno Chara is a seven-foot tall monster who practically broke Montreal Canadiens forward Max Pacioretty’s neck as the regular season drew to a close. Oh, and he’s also one of the toughest and best all-around defensemen in the NHL today. Power forward Milan Lucic is a nasty bastard himself, and is practically the reincarnation of Hall of Famer and Bruin legend Cam Neely (who ironically enough, began his career as a Canuck, but I digress), and has the power to change the flow of a game thanks to his style of play. While the Bruins don’t have the same kind of talent that the Canucks possess, they make it up in toughness and leadership, thanks to veteran goalie and Vezina Trophy (goaltender of the year) shoe-in Tim Thomas, and the ageless Mark Recchi, who even at 42, still plays better than most 20-something’s in the league today.

On a head-to-head matchup scale, the Canucks definitely outmatch the Bruins. The Canucks win on the talent scale alone, but the Bruins are definitely the more physical and punishing team. As long as the Canucks don’t let the Bruins style of play throw them off their finesse game, the Cup is as good as theirs. I for one would love to see the Canucks win it all here, but that’s mostly because I hate the Bruins with a passion, and always will.

On a side note here, if you want to try something fun, try and find how many ex-Flyers/Flyers properties are in the Final between both teams (I do this every year and am always shocked at the number I come up with). By my count, I’ve got Mark Recchi, Dennis Seidenberg, Ryan Kesler (signed to an offer sheet), Dan Hamhuis (Flyers owned his rights), and Andrew Alberts by my count.

This is going to be an entertaining series regardless though…all we need to make it sweeter is have a dramatic return of Marc Savard only to get another concussion, and see Tomas Kaberle get his head shoved up his ass by Alex Burrows.

One can only hope anyway…

This is Hockey, Shit Happens

That picture is of Montreal Canadiens winger Max Pacioretty, who took a brutal hit from Boston Bruins defenseman Zdeno Chara and lay motionless on the ice afterwards before being taken away on a stretcher. Pacioretty suffered a severe concussion and a fractured vertebra, and Chara received no suspension or punishment from the NHL for his hit. In a time when everyone is criticizing the NHL for hits to the head, this is a terrible incident indeed.

Chara is being made to look like asshole of the year by the Montreal media, and since he’s managed to escape discipline by the League, many are accusing him of purposely attempting to injure Pacioretty on the play. The hit has generated tons of views on YouTube and TSN, and anyone with any kind of hockey knowledge can see that the hit itself wasn’t dirty one fucking bit. Reckless? Definitely. Chara is a huge man, the tallest player in NHL history coming in at nearly seven feet tall on skates, and has established himself as one of the most punishing defensemen in the League today. He’s also been in the League for a long time, which makes it kind of hard to believe he’d lay out such a reckless hit, but emotions on the ice are so heightened this time of year, and with the history both teams have (the brawl earlier this season both teams engaged in for example) and with both in a heated playoff race, it can be excusable as to why Chara wasn’t thinking with his head.

It has also been announced that there will be a police investigation into Chara’s hit, with the possibility that Chara could be charged for assault. This in itself is flat out ridiculous. Hockey is one of the most violent sports on the planet. I’ve seen players like Alexi Yashin and Donald Audette get their wrists sliced open by skates. Richard Zednik had his throat slashed by a couple years back. Bryan Berard practically lost an eye from getting the butt-end of a stick smacked in his face. Marty McSorley nearly decapitated Donald Brashear with his stick from behind. And last, but certainly not least, Todd Bertuzzi broke Steve Moore’s neck and faced assault charges and lawsuits as well; an event that this Chara incident just so happened to take place on the anniversary of.

Even though the NHL disciplinarian’s methods are sketchy at best (Matt Cooke could get away with murder just because he’s a Penguin), Chara’s hit didn’t look like he meant to injure Pacioretty, and the NHL agreed. It’s tragic, because Pacioretty may never be able to play again, but it’s a risk that comes with playing hockey for a living, and the sooner people realize that, the better the sport will be as a whole. I sincerely hope that Pacioretty recovers and laces the skates up again one day, and even if he doesn’t, I don’t believe that Chara committed any kind of criminal act.

One last thing, why is it that the only major press the NHL receives on ESPN or sports news in general revolves around something bad happening? I know that hockey is a niche sport, and that it’s probably one of (if not the) most violent around, but why does always receive such negative press for Christ’s sake? I truly believe the NHL should change their tagline from being “the coolest game on Earth” to “this is hockey, shit happens”.

NHL All-Star Weekend

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the NHL All-Star Game. Over the past couple years, it just honestly hasn’t done it for me like it did when I was younger, and apparently, I wasn’t the only NHL fan who felt this way. After taking last year off of the All-Star festivities because of NHL players participating in the Winter Olympics, I’ll admit that I kind of missed the All-Star game and its processes, flaws and all.

So this year, the NHL decided to try to fix the All-Star selection and organization process. Instead of the typical East VS West style they’ve used for years, team rosters are selected via the All-Star team captains who are selected. Starting players are still voted for by fans (a process which still remains as broken as ever), and the selected team captains (in this case, the captains of each team are Carolina Hurricanes captain Eric Staal and future hall-of-famer Detroit Red Wings defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom)“draft” from the pool of players picked by the league to participate. A risky gamble definitely, but somehow, someway, it all kind of works…to a degree. Now that All-Star weekend has come and gone, let’s go through all three stages of the weekend All-Star process: the Draft, the Skills Competition, and finally, the All-Star game itself.



THE DRAFT

The All-Star game fantasy draft found Team Staal and Team Lidstrom select from the thirty-some odd players, among them being superstars like Alex Ovechkin, Jonathan Toews, Steven Stamkos, Henrik and Daniel Sedin, and more besides. The whole Draft evening was in a nutshell, kind of boring to be honest. The whole process was just drawn out, and the shitty commentating from the usual lineup of announcers that Versus supplies us with didn’t help matters either. Even the players looked bored. Case in point, Ovechkin and goaltender Cam Ward, both seated next to each other and obviously texting each other some comical things judging by the smiles on their faces. Atlanta Thrashers defenseman Dustin Byfuglien looked like he was going to fall asleep at any moment. Flyers star Danny Briere looked like the chair he was sitting in was quite uncomfortable or he was going to shit his pants. The real highlight of the whole night however was seeing Toronto Maple Leafs forward Phil Kessel get picked last by Team Lidstrom, which amounted to being “the All-Star that no one really gave a shit about”. It came out afterwards that the NHL awarded Kessel money to give to his cancer charity and a new car for receiving the dubious honor, but all in all, the Draft was a bore. Hopefully the NHL manages to improve the process down the road.



THE SKILLS COMPETITION

The Skills Competition is something that I always look forward to seeing and generally enjoy, this year being no exception…for the most part. What made this year’s edition so enjoyable to watch wasn’t the players per se’, but instead the gaffes made by the arena announcer calling out the players and some of the effects crew as well. Most notably was Buffalo Sabres forward Tyler Ennis get announced as being from the Florida Panthers, and Chicago Blackhawks winger (and former Flyer) Patrick Sharp come out to a Columbus Blue Jackets logo being portrayed under his name. Now that would have been a funny prank, to make Sharp think he just got traded to the Jackets by doing this, and just tell him that “we forgot to tell you”. That could have been classic.

Anyway, the Skills Competition itself was fun, thanks pretty much to the players who participated. From Montreal Canadiens rookie defenseman P.K. Subban borrowing Carolina Hurricanes rookie forward Jeff Skinner’s jersey to wear so he wouldn’t get booed, to Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas falling on his ass during a rink-race with ‘Canes goalie Cam Ward, to Alex Ovechkin breaking sticks left and right (and subsequently ganking Kris Letang’s during the Hardest Shot segment), without even meaning to! These guys made the whole night worth watching, and they generally had fun throughout for the most part, particularly the rookies who took part, even though a handful of them (most notable being Edmonton Oilers rookie phenom Taylor Hall and Panthers winger Evgeny Dadonov) looked like they were miles away.

And one last thing here too, I don’t want to sound like I kiss Ovechkin’s ass too much, but what all he did during this game is just one of the many reasons I love this guy so much more than his fellow superstar forward, Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby. Crosby is extremely talented, and did not participate this year due to a concussion (in fact, Crosby has only once participated in an All-Star game, every other time he’s been selected he’s been injured) and even lobbied against the new format of the All-Star game as well. The fact is however, is that Crosby never looks like he’s having fun out there on the ice; at least not like Ovechkin does. True, Crosby has more hardware and accolades than Ovechkin does for the time being, but Ovie has the personality that many NHL players today sadly lack.

And oh yeah, former badass great Jeremy Roenick asking the Thrashers’ Byfuglien (who just so happens to be one of the few African-American players in the league) to “spit out some raps” was equal parts awkward and hilarious.



THE ALL-STAR GAME

The first thing I noticed before the game even started was that the audio was out of synch, and it was painful (and wasn’t fully fixed until BEFORE THE THIRD FUCKING PERIOD!). What made things even more painful to watch however was the staged moment before the puck drop between a bunch of little kids all wearing the jerseys of former hockey greats like Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux. This was softened however thanks to appearances from Hurricanes greats Ron Francis and Rod Brind’Amour; two of the absolute best players to ever play for the franchise. And oh yeah, 3 Doors Down performed during the first intermission…I know I mentioned the word “painful” before, but I think applying it to this aspect is the best use I’ve made of the word yet. I could make better music using my ass hole and a jug.

All that aside though, the All-Star game in itself was entertaining enough to watch, and despite not featuring such things as big hits, dirty penalties, and guys beating the shit out of each other; in other words, all the things that make hockey great. But that’s the thing about the NHL All-Star game, you know already that you’re not going to get any of that, and that’s why so many NHL purists would love to see the whole thing done away with. I can sympathize with them to a point, but as a fan more so than anything else, I think that it’s something that should NEVER be done away with, but is still in need of some serious tinkering regardless. After all, there’s just about always room for improvement in just about anything, and the All-Star game is no different.

Speaking of room for improvement, I can’t write about this anymore without mentioning the NHL Guardian Project. 30 super heroes crafted by legendary comic book creator Stan Lee, all based on the 30 NHL teams. It was an idea that actually intrigued me when I first heard about it, because I’m a nerd first and an NHL fan second. But I can honestly say that these 30 superheroes are so damn lame, and are created based on the literal meanings and definitions of what the team names stand for. The “Bruin”, which is a giant bear, or the “Hurricane”, or the “Avalanche”…all this from the guy who years ago co-created Spider-Man, the Hulk, Thor, the Fantastic Four, the original X-Men, Daredevil, and more besides. And the presentation of these “Guardians”? Christ almighty…I’m having a hemorrhage just thinking about it, and I think it may have lead to me pissing blood…

Anyway, now onto the fucking game! The game itself was what one would come to expect from an NHL All-Star game. Lots of offense, zilch on defense, and everybody just having a bit of fun, except for the goalies of course. Seeing Blackhawks sniper Patrick Sharp walk away with the All-Star MVP is cool, considering that this guy NEVER got a chance with the Flyers and was frequently shipped back and forth between the NHL and AHL, until he was traded to the Blackhawks for practically a bag of pucks. Now he’s a Cup champion, having a career year, and is an All-Star MVP. Team Lidstrom may have beaten Team Staal, and the game itself turned out to be pretty nail biting towards the end.

All in all, despite its assortment of flaws, annoyances, and general grievances (3 Doors Down sucks more than a desperate and coke-deprived Lindsey Lohan), this year’s edition of the NHL All-Star game was an entertaining endeavor. It’s good to see all these big-name players get together for one big bash and not take it too seriously, and just forget for one game about the conference races and playoff pushes, and that’s what it’s really all about in a nutshell. With all that being said though, the playoffs aren’t all that far away, and before you know it, someone will be raising that big beautiful bitch that is known as the Stanley Cup.

It’s a celebration bitches, enjoy yourselves.

The best damn hockey names in the NHL today

As you've more than likely realized by now, I'm a huge hockey fan, always have been and always will be. That being said, if it's one thing I've often noticed in hockey, more so than any other sport, is that hockey players tend to have some just plain awesome sounding names. Sometimes they've been a little laughable (Joe Nieuwendyk...come on, just say it without snickering) and more often than not they've been more difficult to pronounce than they should (Guilliame Latendresse...yeah, say that three times fast), but there's just something about some hockey player's names that you can't helo but adore.

Below I've compiled a list of current NHL players who have the best damn names in the league. The list has been put together in no particular order (organized by team order actually), just for the fact that besides good 'ol Cal Clutterbuck (just say that name in your head...okay, now imagine him checking the shit out of someone, looking down at them and saying "you just got Clutterbucked"), it's just hard to pick a hands-down favorite. Enjoy!




Teemu Selanne - Anaheim Ducks

Dustin Byfuglien - Atlanta Thrashers

Johnny Oduya - Atlanta Thrashers

Adam McQuaid - Boston Bruins (put a "Mc" before any name and it automatically sounds awesome)

Jeff Skinner - Carolina Hurricanes

Rob Klinkhammer - Chicago Blackhawks

Kevin Shattenkirk - Colorado Avalanche (a combination of William Shatner and Captain Kirk? Hmmmm.....)

Fedor Tyutin - Columbus Blue Jackets

Jamie Langenbrunner - Dallas Stars

Karlis Skrastins - Dallas Stars

Justin Abdelkader - Detroit Red Wings

Magnus Paajarvi - Edmonton Oilers

Keaton Ellerby - Florida Panthers

Bryan McCabe - Florida Panthers (see Adam McQuaid)

Jack Johnson - Los Angeles Kings (not because of the musician, just because it sounds cool)

Ryan Smyth - Los Angeles Kings (just for the spelling of his last name alone)

Michal Handzus - Los Angeles Kings (when he played for the Flyers, every time he got the puck, fans would yell "ZEUS"! to my knowledge, they still do)

Cal Clutterbuck - Minnesota Wild (the grand-daddy of 'em all!)

Mike Cammalleri - Montreal Canadiens

P.K. Subban - Montreal Canadiens

Shea Weber - Nashville Predators

Travis Zajac - New Jersey Devils

Zenon Konopka - New York Islanders

Bruno Gervais - New York Islanders

Wojtek Wolski - New York Rangers

Michael Del Zotto - New York Rangers

Henrik Lundqvist - New York Rangers

Mats Zuccarello - New York Rangers

Jarkko Ruutu - Ottawa Senators

Filip Kuba - Ottawa Senators

Kimmo Timonen - Philadelphia Flyers

Scottie Upshall - Phoenix Coyotes

Vernon Fiddler - Phoenix Coyotes

Paul "Biz Nasty" Bissonnette - Phoenix Coyotes

Deryk Engelland - Pittsburgh Penguins

Logan Couture - San Jose Sharks

Antero Nittymaki - San Jose Sharks

Carlo Colaiacovo - St. Louis Blues

BJ Crombeen - St. Louis Blues

Steven Stamkos - Tampa Bay Lightning

Martin St. Louis - Tampa Bay Lightning

Clarke MacArthur - Toronto Maple Leafs

Carl Gunnarsson - Toronto Maple Leafs

Manny Malhotra - Vancouver Canucks

Roberto Luongo - Vancouver Canucks




...and that's pretty much it. Any ones I missed? Discuss!