The 2012 NHL All-Star Game...*Yawn*

Ah yes, it’s that time of year during the NHL season. The annual NHL All-Star Game, this year held in Ottawa and featuring a slew of the NHL’s biggest names and faces. Well, the biggest names and faces that isn’t Sidney Crosby or Alex Ovechkin anyway. Granted they had legitimate excuses, i.e. Crosby has a broken neck and a concussion (slight exaggeration) and Ovechkin is just being a douche bag, but other than that this year was the same old, same old.

This year also marked the second year in a row the “draft” system was used to select the player representatives of the opposing team. Ottawa Senators captain Daniel Alfredsson led his team, while Boston Bruins captain Zdeno Chara led his, and a slew of players ranging from Evgeni Malkin, Corey Perry, the Sedin twins, Marian Gaborik, Phil Kessel, and more besides all joined in the festivities. There was the draft, there was the skills competition, and then there was the actual All-Star game itself.

In a nutshell, it was the same old shit.

Now I actually enjoy All-Star weekend for the most part, and this year was definitely better than last year’s affair for one solid reason: the NHL killed that ridiculous and just plain fucking retarded “Guardian Project” from last year that was the brain child of Stan Lee and an orangutan on angeldust. I’m not even kidding when I say that giving up on that abortion of an idea may have very well saved the All-Star game. I couldn’t imagine much of anyone, and I mean ANYONE, getting any kind of enjoyment out of that whole fiasco. Even small kids would have looked at that mess and said to themselves “what the fuck is this bullshit all about?”

But enough of my ranting, and on to the game itself. It was the typical All-Star game fare, with Chara’s team prevailing in the end and New York Rangers forward Marian Gaborik winning the game’s MVP award. At this point in my life as an NHL fan though, the All-Star game itself now comes off as being little more than the corporate handshaking, masturbatory event that every sports league presents every year. It just seemed more to be this time than ever before that the players themselves just didn’t give a shit for the most part. Granted we knew that veterans and future Hall of Famers Nicklas Lidstrom and Teemu Selanne requested to not be included prior to the selection process, and Ovechkin opted out citing his current suspension as the reason why he shouldn’t have to participate, but for some reason, this year just seemed to be different.

Although, we did learn a few things this time around. We learned that no matter what, getting picked last for anything is humiliating and makes for great media ribbing (Logan Couture went dead last this year after Phil Kessel was Mr. Irrelevant last year) while also awards said dead-last picked player with a new car (which the NHL provides because League execs feel bad about it apparently). We learned that singer/rapper/I don’t give a shit what he is Drake should never be allowed near a hockey rink. We also learned that Dion Phaneuf doesn’t have a vagina (possibly) and Flyers forward Scott Hartnell isn’t such a prick after all…but he’s still a ginger.

All things considered, this year’s All-Star Game was sort of fun in a way, but here’s hoping that the suits in the NHL office come up with some new ways to spice things up further down the road.

And when I say further down the road, I mean next fucking year.

NHL All-Star Weekend

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the NHL All-Star Game. Over the past couple years, it just honestly hasn’t done it for me like it did when I was younger, and apparently, I wasn’t the only NHL fan who felt this way. After taking last year off of the All-Star festivities because of NHL players participating in the Winter Olympics, I’ll admit that I kind of missed the All-Star game and its processes, flaws and all.

So this year, the NHL decided to try to fix the All-Star selection and organization process. Instead of the typical East VS West style they’ve used for years, team rosters are selected via the All-Star team captains who are selected. Starting players are still voted for by fans (a process which still remains as broken as ever), and the selected team captains (in this case, the captains of each team are Carolina Hurricanes captain Eric Staal and future hall-of-famer Detroit Red Wings defenseman Nicklas Lidstrom)“draft” from the pool of players picked by the league to participate. A risky gamble definitely, but somehow, someway, it all kind of works…to a degree. Now that All-Star weekend has come and gone, let’s go through all three stages of the weekend All-Star process: the Draft, the Skills Competition, and finally, the All-Star game itself.



THE DRAFT

The All-Star game fantasy draft found Team Staal and Team Lidstrom select from the thirty-some odd players, among them being superstars like Alex Ovechkin, Jonathan Toews, Steven Stamkos, Henrik and Daniel Sedin, and more besides. The whole Draft evening was in a nutshell, kind of boring to be honest. The whole process was just drawn out, and the shitty commentating from the usual lineup of announcers that Versus supplies us with didn’t help matters either. Even the players looked bored. Case in point, Ovechkin and goaltender Cam Ward, both seated next to each other and obviously texting each other some comical things judging by the smiles on their faces. Atlanta Thrashers defenseman Dustin Byfuglien looked like he was going to fall asleep at any moment. Flyers star Danny Briere looked like the chair he was sitting in was quite uncomfortable or he was going to shit his pants. The real highlight of the whole night however was seeing Toronto Maple Leafs forward Phil Kessel get picked last by Team Lidstrom, which amounted to being “the All-Star that no one really gave a shit about”. It came out afterwards that the NHL awarded Kessel money to give to his cancer charity and a new car for receiving the dubious honor, but all in all, the Draft was a bore. Hopefully the NHL manages to improve the process down the road.



THE SKILLS COMPETITION

The Skills Competition is something that I always look forward to seeing and generally enjoy, this year being no exception…for the most part. What made this year’s edition so enjoyable to watch wasn’t the players per se’, but instead the gaffes made by the arena announcer calling out the players and some of the effects crew as well. Most notably was Buffalo Sabres forward Tyler Ennis get announced as being from the Florida Panthers, and Chicago Blackhawks winger (and former Flyer) Patrick Sharp come out to a Columbus Blue Jackets logo being portrayed under his name. Now that would have been a funny prank, to make Sharp think he just got traded to the Jackets by doing this, and just tell him that “we forgot to tell you”. That could have been classic.

Anyway, the Skills Competition itself was fun, thanks pretty much to the players who participated. From Montreal Canadiens rookie defenseman P.K. Subban borrowing Carolina Hurricanes rookie forward Jeff Skinner’s jersey to wear so he wouldn’t get booed, to Boston Bruins goalie Tim Thomas falling on his ass during a rink-race with ‘Canes goalie Cam Ward, to Alex Ovechkin breaking sticks left and right (and subsequently ganking Kris Letang’s during the Hardest Shot segment), without even meaning to! These guys made the whole night worth watching, and they generally had fun throughout for the most part, particularly the rookies who took part, even though a handful of them (most notable being Edmonton Oilers rookie phenom Taylor Hall and Panthers winger Evgeny Dadonov) looked like they were miles away.

And one last thing here too, I don’t want to sound like I kiss Ovechkin’s ass too much, but what all he did during this game is just one of the many reasons I love this guy so much more than his fellow superstar forward, Pittsburgh Penguins star Sidney Crosby. Crosby is extremely talented, and did not participate this year due to a concussion (in fact, Crosby has only once participated in an All-Star game, every other time he’s been selected he’s been injured) and even lobbied against the new format of the All-Star game as well. The fact is however, is that Crosby never looks like he’s having fun out there on the ice; at least not like Ovechkin does. True, Crosby has more hardware and accolades than Ovechkin does for the time being, but Ovie has the personality that many NHL players today sadly lack.

And oh yeah, former badass great Jeremy Roenick asking the Thrashers’ Byfuglien (who just so happens to be one of the few African-American players in the league) to “spit out some raps” was equal parts awkward and hilarious.



THE ALL-STAR GAME

The first thing I noticed before the game even started was that the audio was out of synch, and it was painful (and wasn’t fully fixed until BEFORE THE THIRD FUCKING PERIOD!). What made things even more painful to watch however was the staged moment before the puck drop between a bunch of little kids all wearing the jerseys of former hockey greats like Wayne Gretzky and Mario Lemieux. This was softened however thanks to appearances from Hurricanes greats Ron Francis and Rod Brind’Amour; two of the absolute best players to ever play for the franchise. And oh yeah, 3 Doors Down performed during the first intermission…I know I mentioned the word “painful” before, but I think applying it to this aspect is the best use I’ve made of the word yet. I could make better music using my ass hole and a jug.

All that aside though, the All-Star game in itself was entertaining enough to watch, and despite not featuring such things as big hits, dirty penalties, and guys beating the shit out of each other; in other words, all the things that make hockey great. But that’s the thing about the NHL All-Star game, you know already that you’re not going to get any of that, and that’s why so many NHL purists would love to see the whole thing done away with. I can sympathize with them to a point, but as a fan more so than anything else, I think that it’s something that should NEVER be done away with, but is still in need of some serious tinkering regardless. After all, there’s just about always room for improvement in just about anything, and the All-Star game is no different.

Speaking of room for improvement, I can’t write about this anymore without mentioning the NHL Guardian Project. 30 super heroes crafted by legendary comic book creator Stan Lee, all based on the 30 NHL teams. It was an idea that actually intrigued me when I first heard about it, because I’m a nerd first and an NHL fan second. But I can honestly say that these 30 superheroes are so damn lame, and are created based on the literal meanings and definitions of what the team names stand for. The “Bruin”, which is a giant bear, or the “Hurricane”, or the “Avalanche”…all this from the guy who years ago co-created Spider-Man, the Hulk, Thor, the Fantastic Four, the original X-Men, Daredevil, and more besides. And the presentation of these “Guardians”? Christ almighty…I’m having a hemorrhage just thinking about it, and I think it may have lead to me pissing blood…

Anyway, now onto the fucking game! The game itself was what one would come to expect from an NHL All-Star game. Lots of offense, zilch on defense, and everybody just having a bit of fun, except for the goalies of course. Seeing Blackhawks sniper Patrick Sharp walk away with the All-Star MVP is cool, considering that this guy NEVER got a chance with the Flyers and was frequently shipped back and forth between the NHL and AHL, until he was traded to the Blackhawks for practically a bag of pucks. Now he’s a Cup champion, having a career year, and is an All-Star MVP. Team Lidstrom may have beaten Team Staal, and the game itself turned out to be pretty nail biting towards the end.

All in all, despite its assortment of flaws, annoyances, and general grievances (3 Doors Down sucks more than a desperate and coke-deprived Lindsey Lohan), this year’s edition of the NHL All-Star game was an entertaining endeavor. It’s good to see all these big-name players get together for one big bash and not take it too seriously, and just forget for one game about the conference races and playoff pushes, and that’s what it’s really all about in a nutshell. With all that being said though, the playoffs aren’t all that far away, and before you know it, someone will be raising that big beautiful bitch that is known as the Stanley Cup.

It’s a celebration bitches, enjoy yourselves.