The Zombie Apocalypse is Coming...Maybe

Saturday in Miami marked an event that is shaking to say the least. Police discovered a naked man eating the face of another man, and shot him repeatedly until he finally went down after taking a shot to the head. Let me just break this all down for you one last time to make sure you all get the big picture.

He. Ate. His. Face.

Hannibal Lecter in Miami? Maybe so, but according to reports, the perpetrator was under the influence of “bath salts”, which apparently is the codename of some new form of LSD. Before I go any further, let me say that I myself have done my share of LSD…and I for one have never felt the need to FUCKING EAT SOMEONE. Granted I spent an hour or so talking to trees one night, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, whatever this guy was on, it leads me to ponder one important thing: how close are we to the zombie apocalypse? It’s not every day that you’re strolling along and see someone eating a fellow human being. Nor is it particularly normal to shoot said cannibal and HE JUST KEEPS FUCKING EATING the boor bastard, but here we are. Yes folks, these “bath salts” the guy was allegedly on are nothing more than a media smokescreen to hide from us, the American people, that the zombie apocalypse is at hand.

Over the next few weeks, expect to hear similar stories across the country (and perhaps world) as people will be attacked on the streets and eaten alive, followed by our good friends hanging out in cemeteries rising from the grave. I’m fucking serious. Not to mention the fact that the supposed end of the world is right around the corner…coincidence? I think fucking not.

Be prepared everyone, the end is near…



…okay not really, but this is some pretty wild shit isn’t it?

Say no to drugs kids. One minute you’re having a blast, and next thing you know, you’re buck ass naked in public eating your best friend’s face.



Bollocks.

THE AVENGERS Review!

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!



The wait is finally over, and “The Avengers” has been unleashed upon the masses to record-setting box-office returns. After finally getting around to seeing it, I can safely say that it’s undoubtedly one of the best comic book/superhero movies of all time, and certainly the best “team” movie of all time to boot. That being said, it isn’t without its flaws in the least, so let’s go diving in head first and see what it’s all about here.

First off, getting Joss Whedon to write and direct “The Avengers” was a stroke of genius. His time writing the “Astonishing X-Men” comic series was the best handling the X-Men had gotten in ages, and makes me yearn for a Whedon-directed X-Men film so much it hurts my balls just thinking about it. He manages to juggle a roster of iconic and lesser-known characters without a majority of them feeling short-changed (except for Hawkeye, but mostly because he spends the first chunk of the movie possessed by Loki) and just seeing Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor all together on the big screen makes me feel like I’m 8 years old all over again.

The casting of the film is a mixed bag. I know we’ve seen all these guys already beforehand, but seeing them come together here really displays the flaws here in terms of the cast, namely Scarlett Johanssen as Black Widow. She doesn’t come off as that strong badass chick here like she did in “Iron Man 2”. Granted that she has her share of badass moments (namely the interrogation with Loki) but by the time the final battle comes around, both she and Hawkeye just seem like they were shoehorned into the massive battle. If anything, I’d love to see her get replaced (and Black Widow as a whole actually) in future installments, namely by Ms. Marvel, because if it’s one thing this team needs, it’s a powerhouse superheroine.

As for the rest of the crew, the more I see of Chris Evans, the more convinced I am that he’s the perfect choice for Captain America. His new costume, not so much. It looks like he’s got a condom head, but hey, at least he doesn’t look too ridiculous (see the early 90s movie with the rubber fucking ears). Personally I loved his WWII garb from his movie last summer, maybe another variation of that would have been better suited, but hey, that’s just me. Robert Downey Jr and Chris Hemsworth as Iron Man and Thor respectively are great, but Mark Ruffalo surprisingly steals the show as Bruce Banner, and holy mother of fucking shit, the Hulk moments are so great that I nearly had an orgasm watching them unfold on the big screen.

As for the film itself, it was a wonderfully realized ultra-epic comic book adventure. One thing I noticed is a decent amount of backlash from comic book fans about stuff they consider “wrong” with it, but I’m not going to bother picking it apart. I could if I really wanted to, but god-fucking-damnit, I’m not going to. Why? Because it delivered the goods in terms of what I wanted to see: an ultra-epic presentation of Marvel’s greatest superheroes teaming up and going on a full-scale Earthbound-battle ground. I didn’t go as gaga over it as so many others have, but I thoroughly enjoyed it for what it is, and that’s all that really matters.

In terms of the eventual sequel, well, I’m looking more forward to that happening than I was to this film believe it or not. Seeing Thanos at the end of the film snickering to The Other makes me swoon and hope for a full-blown intergalactic Avengers film that takes the grand scale of this film and makes it look like a low-budget D-movie. Make it happen for fuck’s sake Marvel! I haven’t read a Marvel comic and not been disappointed in quite a few years, but goddamnit, Marvel’s films since Iron Man (namely the main Marvel movies, the other ones owned by different movie studios like “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” and “X-Men: First Class” don’t count) haven’t let me down, so I’m holding faith for them until I’m proven wrong.

It goes without saying that if you haven’t seen “The Avengers” yet (and I think there’s only like five people on the planet that haven’t) you definitely should. It’s the best Marvel superhero movie yet, and one of the most enjoyable superhero movies of all time thus far. Go see it goddamnit, you’ll be glad that you did.



Oh yeah, seeing how well “The Avengers” turned out makes me wish DC and Warner Bros. would get their shit together and follow the Marvel trend of releasing superhero movies to lead up to a Justice League flick. Instead, we get excellent Batman movies, an abysmal Superman flick (“Superman Returns”) that’s so bad it gets rebooted (next year’s “Man of Steel”) and a Green Lantern adaptation that makes my asshole pucker just thinking about it. Come on guys, get your shit together for Christ’s sake.

Gays Should Get Married...and the Real Reasons Why Those That Are Against Gay Marriage Are Really Against It

Oh my dear sweet God, gays want to get married? Where the hell do these heathens get off wanting to have the same rights as everyone else? Jesus Christ they’re almost as bad as those people that aren’t white. Next thing you know they’ll wanna vote too…

Now, you probably know not to take any of what I just said seriously in the least right? Anyway, one thing that boggled my mind lately is the wave of bigotries to come out in the media and politics lately, whether it’s one form or another of bashing against women, blacks, non-Christians, and most of all it seems, gays. North Carolina decided to do what we all figured they would do and ban gay marriage, as well as put the collective dick in the ass of anyone else they don’t recognize as being fit enough to get hitched in their lovely ass-backwards state where the only life forms that should be getting cornholed are the local farm sheep and Bubba Ray’s cousin.

Anyway, the very next damn day President Barack Obama himself stunned everyone it seems (really?) by going on national television and declaring that gays should have the right to get married goddamnit. Now I know that Obama is pretty much only declaring this now because it won’t be too long until we’ll all have to cast our votes again, and his opposition is the typical brand of Republican bigot (plus he’s an alleged bully and animal abuser, so the people of North Carolina should love him), so it’s not like Obama didn’t already have their votes, but I digress.

The point I’m trying to make here is that homosexuals DESERVE to be able to get married. The fact that gays getting hitched aren’t recognized in every state across the country is a fucking travesty. Why am I getting on my soapbox in support of gay marriage you ask? Because let’s be honest, gay married couples have as much right to be as miserable as heterosexual married couples. The fact that we don’t let them in on the non-fun of marriage isn’t just a slap in the face to homosexuals, but a slap in the face to heterosexuals, because goddamnit, misery loves company.

Once again, I wind up being ridiculous on a serious subject. Anyway, the major argument that we hear from people opposed to gay marriage is that “marriage is a sacred institution”. Let’s get one thing out in the open right now folks, there is no such thing as marriage being sacred, especially here in America. If marriage were so sacred, the divorce rate wouldn’t be way over 50%, which it has been for quite some time, and it isn’t going to substantially go down any time soon either. Not to mention the fact that as America, we are the land of reality TV. We have shows like “The Bachelor”, “The Bachelorette”, “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire”, and plenty more besides. TV shows based in “reality” (that really aren’t) that take something as “sacred” as marriage between a man and a woman and turn it into entertainment for idiots. Does that still make it sacred? Really? No, I don’t fucking think so folks.

The whole idea of marriage between a man and a woman only and that it’s sacred, where do we get it from? The same book full of bad ideas that we’ve taken so many ideas and laws from before: the good ‘ol Bible. Now I’m not going to knock anyone’s faith here, as everyone has the right to believe in whatever the hell they want to, but one thing that people need and should have realized a long time ago that the Bible more than anything is a basic guide on how people should live, i.e. people and civilization back during the time it was written, not in the modern day.

Too many have taken the words of the Bible far too literally, using them and misconstruing them to their own devices and personal gains. Where has it gotten us as a society? Its split us up and made groups of people hate each other because they believe in different things. The majority of those that follow the Bible in a literal sense often cite that it’s said that, and I’m paraphrasing here, “man should not lay with another man” or something to that effect, automatically meaning that homosexuality is wrong and anyone practicing it should be killed automatically, that is if you take the story of Sodom & Gomorrah in the most literal of senses as well. Why is this however? Because back then, no one understood homosexuality and thought it an anomaly, but look back through history and you’ll see that it’s as much a constant as human beings are. Not to mention the fact that homosexuality is recorded in animal wildlife as well. In other words, it’s as natural as heterosexuality, and these close-minded people refuse to accept it because they refuse to see it as being anything other than wrong.

Also, one last thing about the Bible to throw around, consider this when one takes everything from it in such a literal sense. The Old Testament God was a vengeful, almost evil prick of a god that exerted His omnipotence to the point that it seemed He enjoyed making those who worshipped him suffer. Anyone that went against His words was up shit creek without a paddle and went without forgiveness. The God presented in the New Testament is much more forgiving, and makes it known that you can fuck up and be a scumbucket, but goddamnit; you have to feel guilty about it. When the Old Testament was originally written, humanity as a whole were practically baboons in terms of how they lived. They needed a structural guidance to live by and needed to be kept in some sort of check because they weren’t civilized at all. By the time the New Testament was conjured up, people had changed and weren’t as bat-shit insane as they’d been when the Old Testament was first written, and decided that that shit was just way too strict to keep going by. So, they came up with the New Testament, and decided “Let’s go have some fun, but pretend we feel bad about it afterwards to keep everything straight, okay guys? Great, let’s go nail these whores while our wives cook back home.”

So you see, taking it all in such a literal sense gets you FUCKING NOWHERE, so stop citing religious texts as a way to hide your own prejudice and fear of homosexuality. They’re people just like you and me, and if they want to get married then goddamnit, they should be allowed to. In the long run, I honestly do believe that within the next decade or so, we’ll be ashamed of ourselves as we look back at the fact that this was ever such a big issue in the first fucking place.



We now return you to your regularly scheduled dick & fart jokes.

The Five Heroes We Want in the Next "Avengers" Films

With the American release of “The Avengers” just about here, we all know that there are going to be inevitable sequels. With a roster featuring Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Nick Fury; comic fans far and wide know that the history of the Avengers is littered with a whole shit-ton of past and present team members. For the inevitable sequels, new characters are definitely bound to be introduced to the movie-going public, so let’s take a look at just who should be introduced in the next installments of the feature film adaptations of Marvel’s superhero all-star squad. I've narrowed my choices down to five characters (and that was actually surprisingly tough) so strap yourselves in here fellow nerds.

NOTE: Two of the obvious choices here would definitely be the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, but considering that they’re Magneto’s kids in the Marvel universe, and Fox still owns the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related, who knows if they’d even be able to be featured in an Avengers movie, so I’m leaving them off of this list.

Here we go:



ANT-MAN

Yes, the name itself may make you giggle, but consider this: when Stan Lee and co. first introduced the Avengers way back when, Ant-Man was one of the founding members. The alter-ego of brilliant scientist Hank Pym, Ant-Man can shrink himself to microscopic levels, and uses a super-duper helmet to control ants. Over the years, Hank changed his identity to codenames like Giant Man, Goliath, and Yellowjacket, while also becoming able to make himself grow in size to ridiculously gigantic levels. Hank’s been written to be a bit of an asshole over the years, so having him on the team would make for a bit of a different dynamic. “Shaun of the Dead” director Edgar Wright has been involved with an “Ant-Man” feature film for a while, but the damn thing has never gotten off the ground. With the popularity of Marvel heroes soaring through the roof like never before, now would never be a better time to get that flick off the ground and use it as a tie-in for another Avengers movie.



WASP

What would an Avengers team with Ant-Man be without having the Wasp as well? Hank’s occasional wife Janet features the same sort of powers that he does, but she also manages to use “stinger”-like projectiles as well. Like Hank, Janet has frequently been portrayed as a bit of a twat, but considering how volatile a relationship she and Hank have had over the years, who could blame her? Still, like Hank, she’s a founding member of the Avengers, and deserves to be there every bit as much as Hank.



MS. MARVEL

Occasionally known as Warbird (and even Captain Marvel), Carol Danvers is as badass as they come in terms of superheroines. Super strong, invulnerable, fast, she can fly, and she takes no shit…she’s the exact kind of super powered female that belongs with the Avengers and deserves to have a cinematic counterpart to display all of what I just mentioned. Make it happen folks.



LUKE CAGE

Revitalized over the past decade from a bit of a joke of a superhero into a take-no-prisoners team leader, Luke Cage deserves to be in the next Avengers flick. He has unbreakable skin and brawls with the best of them, and over the years in the comics, he’s become a leader for the team as well. Director John Singleton has been attached to make a solo Cage film over the past few years, but nothing has developed and it appears the project probably won’t happen anytime soon, if at all. In those regards, why the fuck not include him in the next Avengers flick? Come on now, we want it!



THE VISION

An android that can change the density of his body, Vision has been an Avenger for so damned long that not having him in the film is kind of a crime. Originally created by the villainous robot Ultron (who himself was an aborted creation of Hank Pym), Vision joined the Avengers and fought back. Including Vision in upcoming films opens up including Ultron as a future supervillain, which ultimately becomes a massive win-win for all of us.



That’s all for now folks, now stop reading and go check out “The Avengers” for fuck’s sake.

Why We Don't Need Any More "X-Men" Movies

Marvel has a number of popular characters, some of which outshine others like Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, the Fantastic Four, and more besides. However, there’s one group of Marvel characters that often get thrown into their own mix of stories and continuities outside the rest of the Marvel universe more often than not…

…and I’m talking about Marvel’s merry Mutant cashcow known as the X-Men.

Numerous cartoon adaptations, toys, novelties, and plenty more; the X-Men have been ingrained in our brains as being the premiere supergroup with an ever-growing cast of characters and teams. With all that popularity comes the X-Men feature films, beginning in 2000 with “X-Men”, and continuing in 2003 with “X2: X-Men United”, which remains not only the best X-Men film yet, but one of the best superhero movies ever made. After that, things kind of got a little shitty…2006’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” was unbelievably bad, and 2009’s “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” didn’t fare much better.

2011 saw the release of “X-Men: First Class”, which detailed the origins of Professor X and Magneto and just how they came on opposing sides. When images and press of the film were first released to the public, many laughed their asses off at how ridiculous it looked and expected something absolutely abysmal, but then something strange happened: the movie really didn’t suck so much. Granted I thought it sucked, but not as horrible as I had guessed it would be. Many others threw undeserved heaping amounts of praise upon the film, but honestly only because they went into it with expectations so low that they were wowed when it wasn’t that much of a steaming pile of dogshit. It made money, so naturally, there’s going to be more X-Men films on the horizon…which leads me to my point…

…we don’t need any more fucking X-Men movies.

A Wolverine sequel is on the way, and they’re about to start filming a direct sequel to “First Class” relatively soon as well. Why? Because people love the X-Men and are willing to lay down their cash to see X-Men movies no matter how fucking shitty they end up being. And Hollywood executives, i.e. Fox (who own the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related) know this all too well, and will continue to pump out one X-Men flick after another after another.

Being a comic book geek, the one thing I notice about the X-Men flicks is how screenwriters consistently throw in all different brands of X-Men characters (heroes and villains alike) into the plot and use the most basic of an outline of some comic storyline from the past and then try to stir it all together. In “X2”, it worked out magnificently, but since then, every X-Men flick has just been one big fucking mess. Will these upcoming X-Men movies be any different? Probably not…actually, it will be more than likely that they’ll suck just as bad.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more X-Men movies. I’m at the point that I don’t want any more X-Men movies even if they wind up being good. One thing that attracted me to the X-Men as a kid was that these characters were misunderstood, hated, and reviled by everyone. I related to Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Gambit, Nightcrawler, and the rest of the crew unlike any other comic book character before or after, and the films after the second installment for the most part have never, ever been able to really re-create that feeling of persecuted Mutants protecting a world that hates and fears them.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more shitty X-Men flicks. We don’t need them, we never really have, and seeing baby-faced, pretty boy actors playing mutant heroes and villains just doesn’t feel right. Oh yeah, and Hugh Jackman ain’t gettin’ any younger either folks.

Laying the Non-Playoff NHL Teams to Rest.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when 16 NHL teams qualify for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And that time of year when the 14 teams that didn’t make wonder what might have been. For all 14 teams that didn’t make the cut, it’s time to properly eulogize them, because really for some of these clubs, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have made the cut in the first place. In other words…R.I.P., and see y’all next year.



THE WESTERN CONFERENCE



CALGARY FLAMES

After the years of mismanagement at the hands of Darryl Sutter, it’s a wonder this team even got as close as they did to making the big dance. Because of this, we lay the Flames to rest, as well as the hopes that they’re two bright shining stars in franchise captain Jarome Iginla and star goalie Miikka Kiprusoff will retire wearing the flaming C on their sweaters. They’ll be gone in order to hasten a true rebuilding effort, which is what this club has so desperately needed for so very long. In the end, it’ll be bittersweet, but the chance to see both stars have a chance at actually winning something with different teams is of no one’s fault but Flames management.


DALLAS STARS

After doing so well in the beginning of the season, the Stars just couldn’t stay consistent when it mattered most. As a result, we now lay the Stars to rest because in the end they just couldn’t muster up the testicular fortitude to win when it counted. True, they were much better than many had predicted they would be after star center Brad Richards spurned them for the bright lights of New York, but if it’s one phrase that should be etched on the Stars’ tombstone, it should read “too little, too fucking late”.


COLORADO AVALANCHE

Two seasons ago, the Avs overachieved with a young team. Last year, they imploded and were beyond horrible. This year, the Avs were a better group, but like the Stars, they couldn’t win when it mattered most. We lay my beloved Avalanche to rest thanks to lackluster coaching, and a general managed in Greg Sherman that obviously doesn’t know how to truly make a team better. You don’t make a team better by barely spending to the cap, you don’t make a team better by trading your first round draft picks for an overrated and oft-injured goaltender (Semyon Varlamov), and you certainly don’t make your team better by signing spare parts players to fill top-six roles (Chuck Kobasew anyone?). Those days of Sakic, Forsberg, and Roy seem so, so long ago…


MINNESOTA WILD

Believe it or not, there was a time this season when the Wild were the best team in the league. Yeah…that didn’t last all that long. When you can’t score but you play great defense, you can win games. But when your one key player (Mikko Koivu) gets hurt for a substantial period of time and your defense turns to shit overnight, you don’t win games anymore. In fact, you lose quite a few of them. The Wild were so pathetic down the stretch that it boggles the mind how with all the moves this team made in the off-season, they still wound up being just as lackluster as many predicted they would be. So we lay the Wild to rest, but just like the style they play, the event is so boring that everyone falls asleep during the ceremony.


ANAHEIM DUCKS

Holy. Mother. Of. God. What happened to the Ducks? They stumble out of the gate just playing absolutely horrible, shit-can their coach, and hire the recently shit-canned Washington Capitals coach Bruce Beaudreau to work the same kind of magic with this team that he did when he first came on with the Caps. Yeah…how’d that work out again? With all that, we now lay these Ducks to rest, but at least there is some promise that this team can be competitive again in the near future. Whether that future includes future Hall-of-Famer and Duck for life Teemu Selanne remains to be seen. If it doesn’t, it’s sad to see Teemu go out anywhere less than being on top.


EDMONTON OILERS

Another year in the basement, another draft lottery pick. Granted this is how many assumed the Oilers would do anyway, so it isn’t like it’s a colossal disappointment. Rookie sensation Ryan Nugent-Hopkins proved he’s the real deal in an injury-shortened debut campaign, while second year pro Jordan Eberle had a star-making season. That, and Captain Canada himself Ryan Smyth made a welcome return to his beloved Oilers, which provided both wonderful nostalgia and a woeful reminder that the man is getting a little too long in the tooth for all this shit. So we lay these Oilers to rest (again) but the flame burning for the future has never looked brighter for this franchise…ya know, as long as they start drafting some blue-chip defensemen this time around instead of more fucking forwards.


COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS

Ah yes, the asshole of the Western Conference, and the NHL as a whole. The Jackets were so damn bad that they ran their big off-season acquisition Jeff Carter out of town, and even managed to make franchise cornerstone Rick Nash want to finally pack his bags and get the fuck out of dodge. Not that I blame Nash, the guy generally wants to win, and he finally realizes that he sure as shit ain’t gonna do that in fucking Columbus. The most mismanaged team in the NHL for the last decade; the Jackets are going to go nowhere fast. They can try rebuilding the roster (again and again) all they want, but it won’t do any good. As we lay these Blue Jackets to rest again, let us take the time to consider laying them to rest for good. Winnipeg finally got an NHL team back, and there are more deserving cities that want and need an NHL team. Whether it be Quebec, Hamilton, or even Kansas fucking City, Columbus is the asshole of the NHL, and nothing but shit has spewed from it since the team first broke into the league.





THE EASTERN CONFERENCE



BUFFALO SABRES

Big things appeared to be on the horizon for the Sabres entering this season. They got a mega-rich owner, acquired some high profile players, and appeared poised to do some serious damage in the NHL. Alas, nothing went well for the team from the opening puck drop. The Sabres fell apart from the beginning, and though the team heated up down the stretch, it was another case of too little, too fucking late as they just narrowly missed getting in the playoffs. So we lay these Sabres to rest, but thankfully they’ll have the financial backing for a grand Viking funeral. A grand Viking funeral that costs a lot of cash and just leaves you wanting more…ya know, just like the fucking team.


TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING

Another team that it was thought big things were on the horizon for, the Lightning fell apart as well, but this was mostly thanks to the abysmal goaltending from 40-some year old Dwayne Roloson. I always called GM and legendary Red Wings captain Steve Yzerman a genius in progress, but this time around he really screwed the pooch. At least he has the cupboard stacked with prospects and draft picks though, so the future doesn’t appear so bleak. And oh yeah, some guy named Steven Stamkos scored 60 goals this year too. So, we lay the Lightning to rest, but like the Oilers, the future looks pretty damn bright.


WINNIPEG JETS

The team formerly known as the Atlanta Thrashers stayed in the thick of the playoff race for a while, but faded when things really counted. Still, even though we’re laying these resurrected Jets to rest now, the fact that the Jets even exist again is reason enough to celebrate. And goddamnit, the sound of those home crowds. Just watch any clips of Jets games this year, and I guarantee that you will not hear a building erupting like that anywhere else in the NHL. Not in Pittsburgh, not in New York, not even the hockey Mecca’s of Toronto and Montreal. Winnipeg is back, and even though they missed out on the post-season, having them back is a truly wonderful thing.


CAROLINA HURRICANES

Getting off to the hilariously disastrous start of the season, the ‘Canes got a new coach, but kept the same schmucks on their roster. They managed to appear to turn the corner eventually, and the ‘Canes brass believes that this season was only an aberration and that they are much better than they seemed to be. Yeah, about that… Let’s face facts, the ‘Canes suck. They’ve made the playoffs twice since the lockout. Yeah they won a Cup in the first post-lockout year, but that was the true aberration. In fact, a lot of things that happened that season could be seen as aberrations…such as the magical run of the Oilers, Scott Gomez scoring 30 goals, and Peter Forsberg playing for the Flyers. Anyway, we lay the Hurricanes to rest, and there’s reason to believe they’ll be stinking up their grave for some time to come.


TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS

For a good chunk of the season, the Leafs appeared poised to finally make their ravenous fans happy and get in the playoffs. Then, shit just went fucking nuts. They catastrophically fell apart after the All-Star break, shit-canned their coach, and just kept on losing and losing and losing. So, again, we lay the Leafs to rest. And we might as well not even bother covering the casket in dirt either. After all, it ain’t like this team is fucking going anywhere any time soon.


NEW YORK ISLANDERS

Every time we think the Isles are actually going to make some big time progress and not suck, they come back and surprise with just how much they do suck. They have an offensive stud in franchise center John Tavares, and for all the good moves that GM Garth Snow does make, his nigh-retarded owner/boss Charles Wang just keeps sticking his dick in the ass of the franchise again and again. Somebody please, buy this once proud franchise to bring it back to its former glory. With all that being said, we again lay the Islanders to rest, in the hopes that someone will come along and bring them back from the dead…eventually.


MONTREAL CANADIENS

Does it make me a bad hockey fan because I oh so love when the Habs do horribly? Talk to any Canadiens fan, and they’ll beat your head in with all the shit about winning 20-some Cups in their storied history. And that’s just what they have, history. They haven’t won the Cup since 1993 and their management situation is in utter disarray. Combine that with a cavalcade of bad contracts and a fan base that is practically insane, and there you are. So now, we lay the Canadiens to rest, and I implore you all to do what you can to refrain from pissing and shitting all over the grave. On second thought…na, fuck it, go ahead.




ENJOY THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your Guide to Properly Enjoying Easter

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is satirical (for the most part) and not meant to be taken seriously in the least. While I myself am an atheist and don’t believe in any of this Easter or Jesus stuff, I am in no means shit-talking those that do believe in this sort of thing. We live in a free country and have the right to believe or not believe in whatever we want to. For example, I don’t believe in omnipotent beings passing judgment on us, but I do believe in evolution, where as a majority of Christians believe in said omnipotent being but believe evolution is ludicrous and that those that believe in it should be publicly executed as an example for those that speak against God. In other words, relax folks; I’m just trying to have a bit of fun here.



Oh shit, it’s Easter. That time of year when we’re all reminded that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and such…and we get reminded of that constantly. So what does Jesus rising from the dead have to do with rabbits and coloring eggs? Fuck if I know, but that’s the way things are for whatever reason, and if you believe any different, well…shame on you and all that I guess. In celebration of Zombie Jesus day, here’s a list of how to properly celebrate this bullshit holiday:



Eat a rabbit

Fuck a rabbit

Fuck then eat the rabbit

Drop some acid then attempt egg coloring and pray that your head doesn’t explode when you start seeing swirling colors

Watch that episode of “South Park” where Stan questions the intricacies of Easter and slowly realize that holy-fucking-shit this makes a whole lot of sense

Go on an Easter egg hunt naked

Go find an Easter egg hunt in progress while dressed up like the Frank rabbit from “Donnie Darko”, find a random kid and tell him about when the world will end

Watch a marathon of quasi-Easter-related films: “The Crow”, “Dawn of the Dead”, “Last Temptation of Christ”, etc.

Hate yourself because you’re Catholic and it’s your fault Jesus was killed in the first place

Repeatedly punch yourself in the crotch for reading this blog



HAPPY EASTER!!!!!