People Hate "X-Men: Apocalypse" For No Real Reason

"X-Men: Apocalypse" came out last weekend, to a surprising amount of middling reviews from critics and audiences alike. Some of it isn't much of a surprise in all honesty (the X-Men movies have usually wavered in quality ranging from "pretty good" to "pure shit"), but I didn't think "X-Men: Apocalypse" was all that bad. Actually, I thought it was pretty good. It wasn't anything too special, and it wasn't better than the preceding "X-Men: Days of Future Past", but it was pretty good regardless.

Now, in case you haven't noticed by now, it seems any comic book movie not directly from Marvel Studios (yes I know, X-Men is Marvel, but Fox owns the film rights, as they do with Fantastic Four) gets destroyed by critics. How well it does box office-wise is a different story, but critically these movies get savaged. Don't believe me? Look at Rotten Tomatoes; and while you're there, look at the scores for recent Marvel flicks like "Civil War" and "Ant-Man". There's a damn huge difference.

Saying that there's not some kind of bias with critics for anything non-Marvel is saying it lightly. It exists, and we all know it. I watch Marvel movies, and I watch the non-Marvel Studios-produced flicks as well (except Fantastic Four, because I have no desire to whatsoever and never really have). One thing I can tell you is that with "X-Men: Apocalypse", I never felt bored. The stakes legitimately felt high in terms of its story, even if there are plot holes aplenty and non-sensical leaps in logic abound. "Civil War" had some fun moments, but given the gravity of the situation presented in the film's story, the stakes never felt high to me. That however is usually how I feel with all the Marvel movies: there are some genuine shattering events happening, and the stakes just never feel high. Because of that, more often than not, I just get bored to tears. You can shit all over films like "Man of Steel" and "Batman V Superman", but at least the stakes feel high in those films, and one thing they're definitely not is boring.

In terms of the "X-Men" movies though, "Apocalypse" is far from perfect, but it's far from being the piece of shit that everyone is labeling it. I saw some fanboy online saying it "sets superhero movies back 20 years". How do you figure? It does pretty much what every superhero movie does, and it's damn sure better than "X-Men: The Last Stand" or the first Wolverine movie. If X-Men's film rights were owned by Marvel Studios instead of Fox and this movie came out the way it did, everyone would be somehow praising it instead.

In the meantime for you Marvel fanboys that keep your assholes greased up nice for that big fat Marvel cock y'all can't keep off of, try giving something a chance, even if it isn't directly from the studio you all worship.

Real Thoughts on BATMAN V SUPERMAN

So, "Batman V Superman" finally came out, and as expected, audiences are pretty much polarized. What wasn't expected was all the hate seemingly being thrown at the film. Yes we get it: it's not a Marvel movie. It's dark, and gritty, and rarely holds back. It has a pair of balls on it the size of the fucking Statue of Liberty. Coming off of "Man of Steel", a film in which Superman killed Zod, we have a film with a brutal Batman and even features a dream sequence in which Batman kills people and Superman burns insurgents alive.

Yeah, this isn't a typical take on either character. You know what though? Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's just me, but I've grown kind of tired of the bubblegum, lightweight universe of the Marvel films. I'm not shitting on them, I've just gotten bored with them: in the end, they're all the same shit. "Age of Ultron", "Ant-Man", "Thor: The Dark World", and even "Guardians of the Galaxy" to a much lesser extent, all bored me to tears.

You can say whatever you want to about "Batman V Superman", but one thing it isn't is boring. It's not a perfect film by any stretch of the imagination. There's editing problems, big story problems, plot holes aplenty, and some big leaps in logic. That being said, it's still a live-action comic book brought to life, which is what these films are supposed to be in the first place. Ben Affleck is surprisingly wonderful as Batman, Jeremy Irons is awesome as Alfred, Jesse Eisenberg isn't too bad as Luthor, and when Gal Gadot's Wonder Woman first appears...well, I won't lie, I had a nerdgasm. Seeing Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman all on screen at the same time made me smile ear to ear. That in itself is an accomplishment.

So yeah, if you didn't like "Man of Steel", you won't like "Batman V Superman" one bit. If you did however like "Man of Steel"...you'll more than likely dig this more. Either way, don't believe all the haters. Check it out and see for yourself.

The Problem with DEADPOOL and the Sins of Nerd Culture

It's pretty safe to assume that by now that you've all seen "Deadpool" by now. Any negative thoughts I had about it in the past were thankfully put to rest, and the film is a highly enjoyable blast. The massive and surprising box office reception it's gotten appears to have paved the way for R-rated comic book films to be the next big thing. So big that apparently we're getting a Blu-ray release of an R-rated version of "Batman V Superman" somewhere down the line, and we might get that "Lobo" movie we all deserve, and for fuck's sake, we're probably getting an R-rated "Wolverine" flick too.

Now this isn't the first time we've seen an R-rated comic book movie. We've had "The Crow", "Kick Ass", "The Punisher", "Watchmen", and more besides. Their box office returns were between middling and okay, but never anything earth-shattering and unexpected like "Deadpool" was. Granted, "Deadpool" had no budget, it's own studio didn't believe in it (yet somehow managed to market the holy living shit out of it), and it would have never seen the light of day were it not for that "leaked" test footage that Ryan Reynolds probably paid somebody to leak because he hasn't been in anything worth a shit in over a decade.

Regardless, "Deadpool" happened. Everyone loves it...my god does everyone love it. I haven't seen a movie get this much of a self-masturbatory celebration in a while, maybe even more so than "Force Awakens". And yeah, it's enjoyable and all, but come the fuck on, "Deadpool" isn't the greatest thing ever for fuck's sake. Then again, this is part of the nerd/geek culture we now live in...anytime a movie comes out featuring a property that people get nerdy about, there's always a little bit of pessimism associated with it right before release...then it comes out, ends up being surprisingly not bad, and people go nuts about it.

Now this isn't necessarily a problem...well, maybe. It's just like I said, "Deadpool" is enjoyable as hell, but it isn't anything really great. It's just seeing people go so damn gaga over it can be mind-boggling. "Force Awakens" suffers from the same fate, so do just about all the mainstream Marvel movies. We put this shit on a geek pedestal, and most times we put it up way higher than we really should. Are these kind of flicks enjoyable? Absolutely they are. They bring out all our inner-12 year olds and give us a sense of escapism for a couple hours, which in itself is a good thing I guess. But still, seeing the overwhelmingly positive receptions that some of these things get, which are honest to fucking god average at best most of the time, really just makes things a tad bit...yawn inducing.

Or wait, maybe I'm just super fucking jaded and old and all this shit just bores me to tears anymore.

Yeah...that's probably it.

Superhero Movies Are Boring Me to Tears

Once upon a time, superhero movies were two things: rare, and rarely good. You'd never know that today though. It feels like there's a new one coming out every month or so. Most of them are pretty high quality too in terms of budget and production, which is a far cry from how shit used to be back in the day. The Marvel movies in particular always seem to have super production values and are wonderfully polished, etc. That's why they make a shitload of cash in theaters after all...because they're pretty, they're from Marvel, and they're the cool thing for now...

...and they have bored the hell out of me lately.

There used to be a time when I ate this shit up like it was fucking opium-flavored cereal, but that time is long gone. Case in point: I watched "Avengers: Age of Ultron" last night and I was bored to tears. I'm not saying it's a bad movie or anything, because it certainly isn't. There's nothing bad about it in all honesty, it's just that I was flat out bored. How could I be bored about all the action and mayhem happening on screen? Well, it's the same problem that most, if not all, of the Marvel movies have: the stakes never seem all that high. Even though the climax of every single Marvel movie is a goddamn massive battle of some sort, it never feels like there's some massive shit happening that's going to have massive ramifications.

Now to explain another point, look at "Man of Steel", and no, I'm not saying DC movies are better than Marvel, so don't get your fanboy panties in a bunch. Anyway, despite its flaws, "Man of Steel" felt like the stakes were extremely high, with half of a city being obliterated and thousands of people meeting their end as two superhumans battled each other. In real life, if such beings existed and duked it out, this is what it would be like (granted if this works for being a Superman story is another entry for another day, but I digress). We feel invested because this is some major world-shattering shit happening that will end up having major ramifications down the road. With the Marvel movies, we all know they're gearing towards Thanos and all that, which is all well and good and I'm excited to see that, because finally it'll be a Marvel movie with some major stakes on the line.

And speaking of Thanos, maybe the reason it never feels like there are major stakes is because we know he is where all the Marvel flicks lead, so nothing else will come close to matching him? Or, maybe it's because every time Marvel looks like they're going to kill off a character (Fury, Coulson), they bring them back in a dumb ass way (they're not really dead). I mean that's not a surprise since that's been Marvel's calling card in comics for decades (anyone who dies isn't really dead), whereas in DC when they off a character, they are deader than shit and actually get resurrected.

Regardless, it all boils down to personal preference I guess. I just wish this shit didn't bore me so much nowadays. There was a time when I loved everything about superheroes and comic books, etc. Maybe I finally grew up in my 30s?

Nah, growing up is for pussies.

As you're reading this, I'm literally sitting in my recliner typing this, eating Count Chocula and watching "Rocco's Modern Life". Fuck the world.

What's With All the "Fantastic Four" Hate?

It seems like the amount of hate that this new, rebooted "Fantastic Four" movie is getting is unprecedented. I've honestly never seen or heard so much geek anger directed at a movie like this...well, I think ever. Why though? Are there people that consider the FF films that came out a decade ago classics? Hardly. That being said, getting to the bottom of the pissing and moaning about the new FF movie makes for some interesting discoveries.

First and foremost, the news that came out during pre-production that the film's director told his cast not to bother reading any FF comics for research. Then there was news that Dr. Doom would be a lame blogger. Then there was news that they were changing the race of the Human Torch from Caucasian to black. And blah, blah, blah. For months, people have been bitching, which they are well-within their rights to do, but everything I just listed seems to be what people are bitching about the most. My only question about all that is one thing:

So what?

I mean don't get me wrong, the movie will probably be a piece of shit (but in all reality, can it really be any fucking worse than the two cinematic abortions that came out last decade?), but if it is, it won't be because of all that. With those changes in mind, let's look at the Marvel Cinematic Universe. One of the main reasons the fanboys have been crying is because the film rights to the Fantastic Four are still owned by Fox (which also owns the film rights for X-Men and has for a very long time) and thus you will not see them teamed up with Iron Man, Captain America, etc. That in itself has plenty to do with sending fanboys into fits, but it isn't the core truth. The core truth of the matter as to why people are pissing on FF is because they have become so blinded to the idea that Marvel can do no wrong that they don't want to see any other studio take on a Marvel property.

Now why have people become so enamored with everything Marvel like never before? Well, they've made a fuck-ton of money and managed to successfully craft a shared movie universe without it becoming too stale. It's impressive no doubt, but in the years since 2008's "Iron Man", which started the whole thing, people go nuts over anything Marvel-related...to a fault. For example: there's a super amount of people that think "Iron Man 2" was perfect and "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." is the best show on TV. Does that sound like anyone you'd actually want to have a conversation with about anything? Fuck no.

What I'm getting at here (or trying to) is that Marvel made a lot of changes in their films like the new FF movie is doing, and every single fanboy applauded them. Make Nick Fury black? Sure! (and yes, I know his race was changed in Mark Millar's "Ultimates" series in the early 2000s, doesn't change matters here). Make a character that had a one panel appearance into a major super villain(Killian in "Iron Man 3") while introducing a big twist? Ok awesome! (mostly). Take a bunch of D-list characters with sketchy backgrounds and throw them into a blender in an outer-space odyssey that bears damn little to nearly anything they've done in comics prior? OMG MARVEL YOU'RE SO BRILLIANT!

Now please don't get me wrong, most of the Marvel movies have been super enjoyable...just not the greatest things in the history of mankind like most of the fanboys would have you believe. Here's a quick list of them all:

"Iron Man"? Great.

"Incredible Hulk"? Underrated.

"Iron Man 2"? Nothing more than a springboard for introducing other characters.

"Thor"? Enjoyable

"Captain America: The First Avenger"? Wonderful

"Avengers"? Mega-enjoyable, but nowhere near the perfect superhero movie that everyone thought it was.

"Iron Man 3"? Received a fair amount of flack for its twist, but eventually almost universally applauded, even though it took a major villain and made him a red herring alcoholic character actor.

"Thor: The Dark World"? Yawn-inducing.

"Captain America: The Winter Soldier"? The best Marvel movie yet, because it doesn't feel like a Marvel movie.

"Guardians of the Galaxy"? Immensely enjoyable, but definitely not the masterpiece that everyone was raving about FOR MONTHS.



The point is all these Marvel films made their own changes to comic book canon, and were practically all universally praised for it...because they come from Marvel's film division. Fox's "Fantastic Four" makes similar changes, and gets shit thrown at it...because it isn't from Marvel. If it was a Marvel Films Production, everyone would be saying how smart these changes are and come up with reasoning probably using the words and phrases like "modernizing" and "making it all more relatable to the audience" or some bullshit.

In your heart of hearts, you all know that this is all true. Don't deny it.



And yeah, like I said before, no matter what "Fantastic Four" will more than likely blow ass...but I hope it makes a shit load of money, just so the fanboys can keep crying. Their tears give me power and strength.

Disney Owns Star Wars...and You.

George Lucas sold the rights to everything Star Wars-related to Disney for 4 billion dollars. Let that sink in folks. Disney now owns Star Wars. Know what else Disney owns? Marvel Comics. And you know what else Disney owns? Your fucking soul. Well not really, but they will, because they're fucking Disney.

When news about Lucas' sale hit, at first I was flabbergasted at the fact that Disney now owns so much shit that has meant so much to me since I was a kid that it's becoming harder and harder to fathom at just what else Disney is going to own down the line. Then again, it wasn't the sale itself that brought my piss to a boil, it was the announcement that Disney plans on creating a new trilogy of Star Wars films that pick up where "Return of the Jedi" left off. Scores of nerds across the planet couldn't stop theorizing as to what they would use as a basis to continue the story. Would it be the various novels that are kind of considered canon? Or the "Dark Empire" graphic novels? Or something else entirely original? Who the fuck knows?

Part of me is hopeful at the prospect of new sequels, because it would give a whole new generation of filmmakers and writers a new chance to make Star Wars fresh again without George Lucas' complete input, and after the prequels, I'd be more than happy to see official Star Wars films that he isn't sitting in the director's chair for. On the other hand, the other part of me doesn't give two fucking shits about more Star Wars films. As far as I'm concerned, the real Star Wars trilogy ended in 1983, the prequels don't count; so leave it the fuck alone for Christ's sake.

And then, the nerd comes out in me when I think that not only could Disney characters appear in a Star Wars film, but so could Marvel ones as well. Contemplate the idea that theoretically speaking The Punisher could blow Jar Jar Binks' brains out. Thor could curbstomp Boba Fett. Blob (the X-Men villain) and Jabba the Hutt could fuck each other's brains out. Oh, and Scrooge McDuck gets to watch and throws shit-tons of coins on their fat naked bodies and ups the ante by making them go ass to mouth.

That was foul, I apologize.

Anyway, you all see what I'm getting at here. Disney owning Star Wars just means finding new ways to pimp out the franchise for all its worth, which is saying something considering that Lucas has milked the shit out of it since 1977 onward and turned it into a multi-billion dollar industry. But making new Star Wars films every two to three years? Really? Who's gonna play Luke Skywalker? Mark Hamill is too damn old to continue the series right where it left off, so who the hell are they gonna get, Justin Bieber? While we're at it, why don't we cast Zac Efron as Han Solo and Vanessa Hudgens as Princess Leia, since Harrison Ford hasn't given two shits about Star Wars since the 80s and Carrie Fisher wouldn't dare put on the slave bikini unless we were making a horror movie here. Come to think of it, let's cast Ron Jeremy as Chewie. He doesn't really need the fur costume and his dick can make the Chewie roar. Plus throw Chris Tucker in there as Lando while we're at it, because I'd actually pay good cash to see that shit happen. Oh yeah, wait and see how many of those casting choices actually wind up coming true, somebody's gonna owe me money here.

So before long, expect a whole new wave of Star Wars-related movies, TV shows, animated series, comic books, toys, merchandise, and tons tons more, because if it's one thing Disney can do, it's milk the ever-loving shit out of something for all that it's worth.

May the Force be with you...in your pants.

THE AVENGERS Review!

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!



The wait is finally over, and “The Avengers” has been unleashed upon the masses to record-setting box-office returns. After finally getting around to seeing it, I can safely say that it’s undoubtedly one of the best comic book/superhero movies of all time, and certainly the best “team” movie of all time to boot. That being said, it isn’t without its flaws in the least, so let’s go diving in head first and see what it’s all about here.

First off, getting Joss Whedon to write and direct “The Avengers” was a stroke of genius. His time writing the “Astonishing X-Men” comic series was the best handling the X-Men had gotten in ages, and makes me yearn for a Whedon-directed X-Men film so much it hurts my balls just thinking about it. He manages to juggle a roster of iconic and lesser-known characters without a majority of them feeling short-changed (except for Hawkeye, but mostly because he spends the first chunk of the movie possessed by Loki) and just seeing Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor all together on the big screen makes me feel like I’m 8 years old all over again.

The casting of the film is a mixed bag. I know we’ve seen all these guys already beforehand, but seeing them come together here really displays the flaws here in terms of the cast, namely Scarlett Johanssen as Black Widow. She doesn’t come off as that strong badass chick here like she did in “Iron Man 2”. Granted that she has her share of badass moments (namely the interrogation with Loki) but by the time the final battle comes around, both she and Hawkeye just seem like they were shoehorned into the massive battle. If anything, I’d love to see her get replaced (and Black Widow as a whole actually) in future installments, namely by Ms. Marvel, because if it’s one thing this team needs, it’s a powerhouse superheroine.

As for the rest of the crew, the more I see of Chris Evans, the more convinced I am that he’s the perfect choice for Captain America. His new costume, not so much. It looks like he’s got a condom head, but hey, at least he doesn’t look too ridiculous (see the early 90s movie with the rubber fucking ears). Personally I loved his WWII garb from his movie last summer, maybe another variation of that would have been better suited, but hey, that’s just me. Robert Downey Jr and Chris Hemsworth as Iron Man and Thor respectively are great, but Mark Ruffalo surprisingly steals the show as Bruce Banner, and holy mother of fucking shit, the Hulk moments are so great that I nearly had an orgasm watching them unfold on the big screen.

As for the film itself, it was a wonderfully realized ultra-epic comic book adventure. One thing I noticed is a decent amount of backlash from comic book fans about stuff they consider “wrong” with it, but I’m not going to bother picking it apart. I could if I really wanted to, but god-fucking-damnit, I’m not going to. Why? Because it delivered the goods in terms of what I wanted to see: an ultra-epic presentation of Marvel’s greatest superheroes teaming up and going on a full-scale Earthbound-battle ground. I didn’t go as gaga over it as so many others have, but I thoroughly enjoyed it for what it is, and that’s all that really matters.

In terms of the eventual sequel, well, I’m looking more forward to that happening than I was to this film believe it or not. Seeing Thanos at the end of the film snickering to The Other makes me swoon and hope for a full-blown intergalactic Avengers film that takes the grand scale of this film and makes it look like a low-budget D-movie. Make it happen for fuck’s sake Marvel! I haven’t read a Marvel comic and not been disappointed in quite a few years, but goddamnit, Marvel’s films since Iron Man (namely the main Marvel movies, the other ones owned by different movie studios like “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” and “X-Men: First Class” don’t count) haven’t let me down, so I’m holding faith for them until I’m proven wrong.

It goes without saying that if you haven’t seen “The Avengers” yet (and I think there’s only like five people on the planet that haven’t) you definitely should. It’s the best Marvel superhero movie yet, and one of the most enjoyable superhero movies of all time thus far. Go see it goddamnit, you’ll be glad that you did.



Oh yeah, seeing how well “The Avengers” turned out makes me wish DC and Warner Bros. would get their shit together and follow the Marvel trend of releasing superhero movies to lead up to a Justice League flick. Instead, we get excellent Batman movies, an abysmal Superman flick (“Superman Returns”) that’s so bad it gets rebooted (next year’s “Man of Steel”) and a Green Lantern adaptation that makes my asshole pucker just thinking about it. Come on guys, get your shit together for Christ’s sake.

The Five Heroes We Want in the Next "Avengers" Films

With the American release of “The Avengers” just about here, we all know that there are going to be inevitable sequels. With a roster featuring Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Nick Fury; comic fans far and wide know that the history of the Avengers is littered with a whole shit-ton of past and present team members. For the inevitable sequels, new characters are definitely bound to be introduced to the movie-going public, so let’s take a look at just who should be introduced in the next installments of the feature film adaptations of Marvel’s superhero all-star squad. I've narrowed my choices down to five characters (and that was actually surprisingly tough) so strap yourselves in here fellow nerds.

NOTE: Two of the obvious choices here would definitely be the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, but considering that they’re Magneto’s kids in the Marvel universe, and Fox still owns the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related, who knows if they’d even be able to be featured in an Avengers movie, so I’m leaving them off of this list.

Here we go:



ANT-MAN

Yes, the name itself may make you giggle, but consider this: when Stan Lee and co. first introduced the Avengers way back when, Ant-Man was one of the founding members. The alter-ego of brilliant scientist Hank Pym, Ant-Man can shrink himself to microscopic levels, and uses a super-duper helmet to control ants. Over the years, Hank changed his identity to codenames like Giant Man, Goliath, and Yellowjacket, while also becoming able to make himself grow in size to ridiculously gigantic levels. Hank’s been written to be a bit of an asshole over the years, so having him on the team would make for a bit of a different dynamic. “Shaun of the Dead” director Edgar Wright has been involved with an “Ant-Man” feature film for a while, but the damn thing has never gotten off the ground. With the popularity of Marvel heroes soaring through the roof like never before, now would never be a better time to get that flick off the ground and use it as a tie-in for another Avengers movie.



WASP

What would an Avengers team with Ant-Man be without having the Wasp as well? Hank’s occasional wife Janet features the same sort of powers that he does, but she also manages to use “stinger”-like projectiles as well. Like Hank, Janet has frequently been portrayed as a bit of a twat, but considering how volatile a relationship she and Hank have had over the years, who could blame her? Still, like Hank, she’s a founding member of the Avengers, and deserves to be there every bit as much as Hank.



MS. MARVEL

Occasionally known as Warbird (and even Captain Marvel), Carol Danvers is as badass as they come in terms of superheroines. Super strong, invulnerable, fast, she can fly, and she takes no shit…she’s the exact kind of super powered female that belongs with the Avengers and deserves to have a cinematic counterpart to display all of what I just mentioned. Make it happen folks.



LUKE CAGE

Revitalized over the past decade from a bit of a joke of a superhero into a take-no-prisoners team leader, Luke Cage deserves to be in the next Avengers flick. He has unbreakable skin and brawls with the best of them, and over the years in the comics, he’s become a leader for the team as well. Director John Singleton has been attached to make a solo Cage film over the past few years, but nothing has developed and it appears the project probably won’t happen anytime soon, if at all. In those regards, why the fuck not include him in the next Avengers flick? Come on now, we want it!



THE VISION

An android that can change the density of his body, Vision has been an Avenger for so damned long that not having him in the film is kind of a crime. Originally created by the villainous robot Ultron (who himself was an aborted creation of Hank Pym), Vision joined the Avengers and fought back. Including Vision in upcoming films opens up including Ultron as a future supervillain, which ultimately becomes a massive win-win for all of us.



That’s all for now folks, now stop reading and go check out “The Avengers” for fuck’s sake.

Why We Don't Need Any More "X-Men" Movies

Marvel has a number of popular characters, some of which outshine others like Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, the Fantastic Four, and more besides. However, there’s one group of Marvel characters that often get thrown into their own mix of stories and continuities outside the rest of the Marvel universe more often than not…

…and I’m talking about Marvel’s merry Mutant cashcow known as the X-Men.

Numerous cartoon adaptations, toys, novelties, and plenty more; the X-Men have been ingrained in our brains as being the premiere supergroup with an ever-growing cast of characters and teams. With all that popularity comes the X-Men feature films, beginning in 2000 with “X-Men”, and continuing in 2003 with “X2: X-Men United”, which remains not only the best X-Men film yet, but one of the best superhero movies ever made. After that, things kind of got a little shitty…2006’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” was unbelievably bad, and 2009’s “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” didn’t fare much better.

2011 saw the release of “X-Men: First Class”, which detailed the origins of Professor X and Magneto and just how they came on opposing sides. When images and press of the film were first released to the public, many laughed their asses off at how ridiculous it looked and expected something absolutely abysmal, but then something strange happened: the movie really didn’t suck so much. Granted I thought it sucked, but not as horrible as I had guessed it would be. Many others threw undeserved heaping amounts of praise upon the film, but honestly only because they went into it with expectations so low that they were wowed when it wasn’t that much of a steaming pile of dogshit. It made money, so naturally, there’s going to be more X-Men films on the horizon…which leads me to my point…

…we don’t need any more fucking X-Men movies.

A Wolverine sequel is on the way, and they’re about to start filming a direct sequel to “First Class” relatively soon as well. Why? Because people love the X-Men and are willing to lay down their cash to see X-Men movies no matter how fucking shitty they end up being. And Hollywood executives, i.e. Fox (who own the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related) know this all too well, and will continue to pump out one X-Men flick after another after another.

Being a comic book geek, the one thing I notice about the X-Men flicks is how screenwriters consistently throw in all different brands of X-Men characters (heroes and villains alike) into the plot and use the most basic of an outline of some comic storyline from the past and then try to stir it all together. In “X2”, it worked out magnificently, but since then, every X-Men flick has just been one big fucking mess. Will these upcoming X-Men movies be any different? Probably not…actually, it will be more than likely that they’ll suck just as bad.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more X-Men movies. I’m at the point that I don’t want any more X-Men movies even if they wind up being good. One thing that attracted me to the X-Men as a kid was that these characters were misunderstood, hated, and reviled by everyone. I related to Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Gambit, Nightcrawler, and the rest of the crew unlike any other comic book character before or after, and the films after the second installment for the most part have never, ever been able to really re-create that feeling of persecuted Mutants protecting a world that hates and fears them.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more shitty X-Men flicks. We don’t need them, we never really have, and seeing baby-faced, pretty boy actors playing mutant heroes and villains just doesn’t feel right. Oh yeah, and Hugh Jackman ain’t gettin’ any younger either folks.

Why You Should See the "Ghost Rider" Sequel...No Matter How Bad It Is

Oh dear sweet lord, he’s back again…

Nicolas Cage returns as Johnny Blaze in “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance”, a sequel to the 2007 film adaptation of the cult classic Marvel comic character…and sadly there’s nothing we can do about it.

First of all, let me start by saying that as a character, Ghost Rider hasn’t really had that great a track record. Since the debut of the Blaze character in the 70s, he’s had his share of bumbling writers and creative teams that managed to frequently put the character into one convoluted mess time and time again. The only reason that Ghost Rider managed to stay somewhat popular over the years is the fact that he’s, to put it bluntly, a cool-looking character. I mean come on, what’s not to dig about a guy who sold his soul to the devil and has a flaming skull for a head and a motorcycle from Hell?

Anyway, with all that in mind, seeing a big-screen film adaptation featuring a character with such a checkered and convoluted history was far from a sure thing, let alone with Nicolas “I’m bat-shit crazy” Cage in the role…yet in 2007; the film was a surprisingly big hit. A big hit yes, but what rhymes with hit folks? That’s right, shit. And that’s what the Ghost Rider movie wound up being: a big flaming pile of shit.

Now here we are five years later, with Cage back in the role and the directing duo of Neveldine/Taylor (“Crank”, “Gamer”) behind the camera. With that pair, you’d figure that we’d get a ridiculously over-the-top action feast for the eyes that defies all logic and winds up being gleefully fun and violent. Well, from what early screenings are suggesting, that’s not what we’re going to get folks…

…we may get something worse this time around compared to last time, and that may be something of an accomplishment in itself.

Now I’m all for over-the-top genre flicks that revel in their badness, and while the idea of seeing the chain-wielding demonic biker taking a flame-fueled piss on the big-screen is kind of enticing to a degree, you can’t think that this flick won’t be anything BUT bad. Still, I’m predicting that “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” is so extreme in its bad-itude that it automatically becomes worth seeing at least once just in an attempt to digest how horrible it is. Hell, a couple years down the line there may be a drinking game based on it; yes folks, it could indeed be THAT bad.

Now I’m writing this blog on the sure-to-be-shitty Ghost Rider sequel just based on the fact that the character does an endearing place in my heart as a comic book geek, but I’m also choosing to write this based on the fact that we could all be about to bear witness to the most gleefully bad comic book movie since “Batman & Robin”…so in a way, we’re all about to be witnesses to history.

Really bad history.

REALLY REALLY bad history…the kind that deserves a commentary by the Mystery Science Theater 3000 crew.

What I Thought of "Captain America: The First Avenger"

WARNING: There are some small spoilers ahead, so be careful upon reading if you haven’t seen “Captain America” yet.



The last time I saw a movie based on Captain America, it was the early 1990s and there was a direct-to-video adaptation starring the son of J.D. Salinger in the title role. His mask had rubber ears (for real) and his Nazi arch nemesis the Red Skull was transformed into an Italian douche bag. Needless to say, it was pretty fucking awful.

Now fast forward to 2011, and here we are with “Captain America: The First Avenger”; a big budget adaptation of the classic Marvel icon that serves as a precursor to the eagerly anticipated take on “The Avengers”, which finds Cap uniting with fellow Marvel icons Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Black Widow (Scarlett Johanson), Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) to take on an assortment of baddies. Did this new take on Cap do the character justice? Fucking eh right it did!

First off, let it be known that Cap has for the most part been known as a fairly lame superhero. He’s pretty much Marvel’s version of Superman: a do-gooding boy scout of a superhero and an American propaganda tool at that. Still, despite all that, there was always something about Cap that really got to me even when I was a kid. There’s just something about him that always seemed some kind of badass to me despite his goody-good demeanor and presentation. Thankfully, this new “Captain America” fully illustrated all that and more.

Chris Evans, who has been in a shit ton of comic book movies over the past few years (the two abysmal “Fantastic Four” flicks, “Push”, “The Losers”, “Scott Pilgrim VS The World”) stars as the weakling turned super soldier, who is the very definition of the word hero. He has a never say die attitude and just wants to do the right thing. That in itself is what really puts the “hero” in superhero for Cap, and thankfully director Joe Johnston (“The Wolfman”, “The Rocketeer”) recognizes this in spades.

The film as a whole is a fairly breezy affair, but nevertheless it’s an enjoyable set-up for “The Avengers” and features a fairly good turn by villain extraordinaire Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith from “The Matrix” flicks) as the Red Skull. It isn’t perfect, and it isn’t the best Marvel movie you’ll ever see, but it does the character plenty of justice in the end, and really you can’t ask for much more than that. By the time it comes to an end, it’s the present day and the fateful meeting between Cap and Nick Fury perfectly sets up what’s to come next, which we get a very small dose of after the credits as we see a quick teaser of “The Avengers”. The fact that this film is being made with big-name actors makes me feel like a little kid again; which in itself is no small feat. I can safely say that my usual brand of rampant cynicism isn’t on overdrive here, and yes, next May can’t fucking come soon enough.

So no matter how you may have thought of Captain America as a character, if you’re a Marvel fan in the least you should definitely check out “Captain America: The First Avenger”; it’s a surprisingly fun trip, and it won’t make you gag on over-the-top American ideologies and clichés either.

The 10 Comic Book Movies I Fucking Hate

Anyone who knows me remotely in the least, or at least has been reading this sorry excuse of a blog of mine, knows that I love comic books, always have and always will. As much as I love them and all the history that surrounds the medium though, there is one thing that is involved with the graphic medium that I absolutely hate: shitty comic book adapted movies.

Yes sir, more often than not, there are all kinds of shitty comic book adaptations that command big budgets, big stars, and wind up being big piles of horseshit instead. In those regards, I now humbly present to you, the 10 worst comic book movies I have ever seen and/or just plain despise because they kill the source material so damned much. They aren’t in any particular order mind you, and some hold some of these adaptations in high regard (for whatever reason, probably because they don’t know how to fucking read but that’s just me), but regardless, do yourself a favor and just NEVER, EVER watch these pieces of cinematic trash. Do something more constructive with your time instead, like try sticking your head up your ass while whistling the theme song from “The Simpsons” or something.

Anyway, here we go:



BATMAN & ROBIN (1997)
Director: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, George Clooney, Uma Thurman

The granddaddy of all shitty superhero movies, Joel Schumacher’s “Batman & Robin” is so bad I can’t even put it into the right words. No, seriously, if you’ve never seen it, you really don’t know just how fucking bad this movie is. Everything you’ve heard; from the bat-nipples, to the bat-ice skates, to the bat-credit card and more besides, is all so sadly, depressingly true. Atrociously campy acting, a neon colored Gotham City, and some of the worst dialogue in the history of mankind…ALL THAT is what you’ll find here!!! This movie was so bad that there wasn’t even a real attempt to make another Batman movie until 2005’s “Batman Begins” reboot. This movie was so bad that it made no studio ever want to touch another comic book property to make a movie. This movie was so bad that it pretty much effectively killed the careers of Chris O’Donnel and Alicia Silverstone. This movie was so bad that it made little kids who saw it in theaters lead lives of perversion and degradation, committing crimes, wiping their asses with the American flag, and fuck their best friend’s mothers! This movie is nothing more than pure Bat-shit!!! Pure fucking Bat-shit!!! And it makes you be thankful that Christopher Nolan came along and brought respectability back to Batman in film. It makes you thankful that Joel Schumacher is now looked upon by comic book geeks as the Hitler of film directors. It makes you thankful that “Batman Forever” wasn’t even this bad (and that’s saying something). I’d rather go dive face first into a huge pile of bat-shit than sit through this disgrace to comics and film again.



CONSTANTINE (2005)
Director: Francis Lawrence
Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LeBeouf

The John Constantine I know and love from the “Hellblazer” comics is a blonde, British, chain-smoking master of bad luck black magic. He conned the devil into curing his lung cancer and when done, looked him in the eye, lit up a cigarette, and gave him the finger. He’s often a reluctant hero, but he’s also a bastard who uses his friends and loved ones as pawns whether he realizes it or not, all in an effort to always wind up on top of whatever bloody situation he finds himself in. The John Constantine found in “Constantine” is in the form of Keanu Reeves, and is a boring old demon hunter who wants to go to Heaven when he dies because he’s afraid of what awaits him in Hell, and he’s kind of a douche bag as well. Granted the Constantine I know and love is a selfish prick, but he isn’t without his charm. So why do I hate “Constantine” so damned much? Because it takes just about everything great about the character and dumbs it down to be digested by a wider audience. John Constantine has had run-ins with Lucifer and demons from time to time, but he sure as fuck isn’t a demon hunter like he’s presented here as being. And oh yeah, the film’s storyline as a whole is so fucking overblown and ridiculous that it causes character creator Alan Moore to shit fire anytime it airs on television. Yes, he hates it probably more than I do.



V FOR VENDETTA (2006)
Director: James McTeigue
Starring: Natalie Portman, Hugo Weaving, Stephen Rea

Another creation of Alan Moore’s that was dumbed down for mass audiences to digest, “V For Vendetta” either misses or completely disregards the points made by Moore’s original work and instead opts for an action-oriented shit-fest that audiences fell in love with. The moral quandaries of whether or not the Guy Fawkes-masked antihero V is a hero or a terrorist is thrown out the window. The subplots regarding the inner-workings of the totalitarian state that the story takes place in are ignored. Evie’s backstory is altered to the point that you already know everything there is to know about her within her first five minutes of screen time. And the moral ambiguity of V’s actions, as well as that of his identity and ultimate intent of taking Evie under his wing are skewed and flat-out shit all over and instead opts for V doing Neo-esque kung-fu moves in dark alleys (which isn’t surprising, considering the Wachowski brothers wrote the screenplay and produced the film). Do yourself a favor, if you want a truly challenging, complex, deep, and emotional read, pick up Moore’s graphic novel instead; you won’t regret it.



X-MEN: THE LAST STAND (2006)
Director: Brett Ratner
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Halle Berry, Ian McKellan

Bryan Singer managed to work some kind of strange magic with the first two “X-Men” films, “X2: X-Men United” in particular. With the awesome, downbeat ending that was featured in “X2”, X-Men fans across the globe (myself included) couldn’t wait to see what could have been the classic “Phoenix Saga” brought to the big screen. We didn’t get it. Instead, Singer and his team jumped ship to make “Superman Returns”, while the third “X-Men” film ended up falling into the hands of Brett fucking Ratner; the same assclown who helmed the “Rush Hour” movies. The end result was a straight up slap in the face to fans of the X-Men comics and movies alike. We get tons of corny moments, incoherent action scenes, whiny mutants, Colossus looking like he’s wrapped in tin-foil, Cyclops getting unceremoniously killed off-screen (in reality, actor James Marsden, who had a prominent role in “Superman Returns”, was written out early in the film as punishment from Fox), flat out insulting the intelligence of the audience, and nothing remotely resembling the “Phoenix Saga” in the least. True, it may not be the absolute worst superhero movie you’ll ever see, but it’s just so lame and pays little to no respect to the source material that you can’t help but wonder why Fox and Marvel didn’t at least take their time in the film’s overall production, which was notoriously short and hurried. As for Bryan Singer though, he wasn’t quite without sin either in 2006…



SUPERMAN RETURNS (2006)
Director: Bryan Singer
Starring: Brandon Routh, Kate Bosworth, Kevin Spacey

When “Superman Returns” came out the same summer as “X-Men: The Last Stand”, it had been the first true “Superman” film in nearly 20 years, and it had a lot going for it. Bryan Singer had made the first two X-Men films, and he did quite well with them too. Warner Bros. had given Singer nearly a quarter of a BILLION dollar budget to work with. Kevin Spacey was playing Lex Luthor, and the overall cast looked great as well. What we got instead with “Superman Returns” was an overblown, underwhelming, wankfest that supposedly “pays homage” to Richard Donner’s original “Superman” film, but really just basically plagiarizes it. Instead of Superman, we have a “super-stalker”, who can’t stand the fact that Lois Lane has moved on in his absence and now has a fiancé and a young son (and oh yeah, the son is really Superman’s and he has superpowers too. Nooch.). One last thing, it’s a 2 and a half hour long movie and it barely has ANY action sequences. When I think of Superman, I think of world-shattering action and excitement. Here, we get none of that except for when Superman saves a space shuttle and lifts up a chunk of rock to launch into orbit. And Lex Luthor is still doing the whole “land scheme” from the 70s films. Yeah, Superman in film has really, really come far. Fuck this shit.



HULK (2003)
Director: Ang Lee
Starring: Eric Bana, Jennifer Connolly, Nick Nolte

On paper, a big budget adaptation of the Hulk should have worked, even if it was handled by the guy who achieved worldwide fame for “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” and would go on to win an Oscar for “Brokeback Mountain”. Why you ask? Because the whole Bruce Banner/Hulk inner struggle and all the emotions associated therein could have been real gold…but instead what we got was a giant green turd. Shitty CGI effects are one thing, but the fact that the 2003 “Hulk” is so mind numbingly slow and boring is absolutely unforgivable. Add to that a scene-chewing Nick Nolte, ridiculous “Hulk-dogs”, and the fact that there is very little action going on in what’s supposed to be a movie about an angry, mutated monster destroying everything in sight; and you have one totally shitty comic book flick. Thankfully, the 2008 reboot was much better, but it sadly couldn’t erase all the memories of green shit that are still in my brain after wasting the cash to go see this piece of fuck.



LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN (2003)
Director: Stephen Norrington
Starring: Sean Connery, Shane West, Stuart Townsend

Alan Moore’s “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen” comics were equal parts shocking and exciting, as he gleefully took various literary characters and put them in some fucked science fiction/horror situations. You’d think that a film adaptation directed by “Blade”’s Stephen Norrington and starring Sean fucking Connery would be awesome…and you’d figure wrong! Universally panned by critics and comic book fans alike, this film adaptation was so goddamn bad that Connery and Norrington actually got in an on-set fist-fight, and Connery hasn’t acted in another film since. This is the film that led creator Moore to request that any adaptation of his work not credit him in any way whatsoever. This is the piece of shit that took a serious, horrific take on these classical characters and turned them into nothing more than jokes. This is the shit-riffic fuck-fest that took any original ideas of Moore’s, shit all over them, and attempted to re-package them for dimwitted audiences…but even some people aren’t that stupid. Piss on this fucking turd.



DAREDEVIL (2003)
Director: Mark Steven Johnson
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Michael Clarke Duncan

What can I say about “Daredevil” that hasn’t been said already? Granted I kind of dug how they managed to present how Daredevil “sees” like bat-radar, but other than that we have a somewhat campy and overly flashy take on Marvel’s blind superhero. Those things are bad enough on their own, but the casting of Daredevil, Elektra, Bullseye, and The Kingpin are so goddamn bad that it boggles my mind what the casting company was smoking. Add to that the ridiculous costumes (Daredevil’s looks like an S&M lovers wet dream, while Elektra’s and Bullseye’s just look like garbage) and the poppy-emo soundtrack, and the end result is Fox and Marvel trying to take the noir-ish superhero and turn him into a Spider-Man-esque douche bag for everyone to enjoy. And yeah, you guessed it, nobody enjoyed it.



CATWOMAN (2004)
Director: Pitof
Starring: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone

I’ll be totally honest with you; I’ve never made it all the way through “Catwoman”. It’s just so unbelievably awful that I try to pretend that it doesn’t even exist. Even having Halle Berry prance around in that ridiculous (yet kind of hot) costume doesn’t help matters any, it’s just so bad, “Mystery Science Theater 3000” bad. I remember when the film was coming out, the trailer for it had said something to the effect of “when a person dies, a cat can bring them back to make the wrong things right”. Wait a fucking minute why does that sound so familiar? Because it’s from “The Crow”, only the word “cat” replaces “crow” in this piece of shit! I’m all for having a legit movie based on Catwoman, because she’s such an interesting character that walks the line between hero and villain and has always been one of Batman’s greatest allies/adversaries. The fact that the character isn’t even the original Selena Kyle from the comics is fucking unforgivable as well, not to mention the fact that the whole affair has the flash and dash of a big budget car commercial. Thankfully it bombed, and Berry has never even been able to live this piece of shit down.



THE SPIRIT (2008)
Director: Frank Miller
Starring: Gabriel Macht, Samuel L. Jackson, Scarlett Johansson

Oh Jesus, I don’t even know where to start with “The Spirit”. I actually kind of had high hopes for this believe it or not, mainly because I knew how beloved Will Eisner’s character was by Frank Miller, himself a legendary comic book visionary who wanted to try his hand at the director’s chair after the success he had with Robert Rodriguez filming “Sin City” in 2005. Instead with “The Spirit”, we get a “Sin City”-ish take on Eisner’s characters and world, and it feels like a watered-down noir that is so overblown, overacted, and overstuffed with all things horseshit and boredom that it instead just flat out slaps Eisner and his work in the face. Miller may have had good intentions (and even that is debatable) but he ended up making his idol and mentor roll over in his grave. What a disgrace.



JUDGE DREDD (1995)
Director: Danny Cannon
Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Rob Schneider

Before the abortion of a movie known as “Judge Dredd” came out, people had no idea who the fuck he was, on this side of the pond anyway. In the UK, Judge Dredd was the flagship character of the “2000 A.D.” comic magazine, so much so that many great comic writers and artists had worked on the character at some point or another. In the comic, Dredd never takes his helmet off, because he’s just that goddamn intense and serious about what he does. Here, Stallone takes his helmet off the first five minutes. Now, I don’t have that much of a problem with that, but the fact that the character and his world are treated like second-rate science fiction knock-offs, it’s no wonder that no one here cared about Judge Dredd then or now. There is a new adaptation in the works right now, so hopefully the second time around will do Dredd the justice (no pun intended) he so deserves…but I doubt it.



Dishonorable mentions:

Howard the Duck (but it’s so bad it’s kind of funny, so it’s worth a look just for that alone)
Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (starring David fucking Hasselhoff)
Captain America (the early 90s direct to video piece of shit)
Superman III
Superman IV: The Quest for Peace
X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Ghost Rider
The Punisher (2004)
Batman Forever
Wanted
Spawn
Elektra
Barb Wire
Spider-Man 3
The Phantom
Fantastic Four
Steel
Jonah Hex

Some New Thoughts on "The Avengers" Movie

First and foremost, all I have to say is SPOILER WARNING!!!

If you haven’t seen “Thor” yet, don’t read any further, because I’ll be talking about the film here in a little bit of detail in regards to next year’s “The Avengers”, which finds Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Nick Fury, and more besides all in the same flick (screeching nerdgasm in 5…4…3…2…1…). All that being said, proceed at your own risk…

After finally getting around to seeing “Thor”, the end-credits Easter-egg confirms that Thor’s wicked brother Loki will be the main antagonist of “The Avengers”…or will he? Eagle-eyed viewers of “Thor” no doubt caught the quick glimpse of the Infinity Gauntlet in Odin’s chamber towards the beginning of the film (it looks like a big glove with shiny jewels on it), and comic geeks know that this is a reference to the universe-shattering titan known as Thanos. Thanos turned the Marvel universe on its ear in the 80s and 90s as he sought control over the Infinity Gauntlet and the Infinity Gems, and it now appears that the appearance of the Gauntlet wasn’t just a wink at comic geeks. Apparently, Thanos will also be a major villain in “The Avengers” in addition to Loki, and apparently, the shape-shifting alien Skrulls will also serve as antagonists for the super-team.

So, that’s Loki, Thanos, and now the Skrulls…anyone else think this all sounds like overkill a bit?

From my own understanding, when Marvel Studios first announced that all their films would be linked together to lead up to “The Avengers”, it was mainly perceived that it would revolve around the group hunting down the renegade Hulk. Now that that seems to be pretty much tossed out the window (maybe) we’re left with what sounds like a battle royale featuring a team of Marvel’s greatest heroes against a trinity of evil, cosmic super beings. Maybe it’s all misdirection on Marvel’s part and that of Joss Whedon, but maybe it isn’t either.

Either way though, there are plenty of questions left unanswered so far, such as:

Loki’s plans for the Cosmic Cube, which will be heavily featured in the “Captain America” film coming out this July, plus, if Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet are indeed in the film, what the fuck does anyone want the goddamn Cosmic Cube for?!?!

Now that we’ve seen Hawkeye in “Thor”, will we see other classic Avengers characters like Ant-Man and/or Wasp?

If they use all these villains in the first film, who the hell are they going to have left for possible future “Avengers” films? I can’t really see Ultron holding much of a candle in comparison to Loki, Thanos, and the fucking Skrulls!

Anyway, the fanboy in me is excited; I can’t deny it…even if I do have one or two misgivings, though in all fairness they are relatively small. “Thor” itself wasn’t a bad film, but it still kind of felt like it was really nothing more than a set-up for “The Avengers”; almost exactly like “Iron Man 2” felt for me as well. Hopefully “Captain America” won’t come off feeling like the same thing, but all I can say for sure for now, is that I haven’t looked forward to a comic book movie like “The Avengers” since “The Dark Knight” in 2008…and we all know how that worked out. Let’s hope we get something along the same result.

Thor Trailer: First Impressions

I'm nerding out again, but I don't know if it's in a fit of pleasure or rage yet.

Marvel's film studio is churning out another superhero would-be epic, this time with "Thor", slated for May 2011. One of Marvel's oldest and most celebrated characters, seeing Thor get a big-screen, big-budget treatment merits almost as much surprise to me as seeing my beloved Green Lantern get the same with DC's "Green Lantern" flick slated to hit only a couple months afterward.

After this past summer's New York Comic-Con, some footage from "Thor" leaked online (and was quickly removed), of which it has been condensced here in the first official trailer for the upcoming blockbuster. Chris Hemsworth, best known for playing Captain Kirk's ill-fated father in 2009's "Star Trek" reboot, is playing the title character, the Norse God of thunder. As the trailer shows, he has his patented long blonde hair, mystic hammer, and what even seems like a great take on his costume as well.

But the one thing I can't quite get over is that this guy is playing Thor. When I picture Thor, I picture a big, hulking individual. I mean Christ on a bike, he's the fucking Thunder God!!! Pro wrestler Triple H always seemed like the flesh & blood version of Thor (tell me he doesn't), but I understand getting an actual "actor" for the role. That being said, when I look at Hemsworth, no matter how 'roided up he looks, I just don't quite see Thor. Thor should be a tall, imposing individual. Any fan of HBO's vampire schlock-fest "True Blood" knows that fan-favorite Alexander Skarsgard auditioned for the role, and was even heralded by fanboys the world-over to get the part, but Marvel went with Hemsworth instead. Maybe they have the right idea, but who knows. I said the same thing about Ryan Reynolds when he was announced to play Hal Jordan in the "Green Lantern" movie, and the jury's still out in both cases.

Then again, like I said before, back when it was announced that Heath Ledger would play the Joker in "The Dark Knight", I laughed. We all know how that turned out now don't we?

Anyway, the visions of Asgard look spectacular, Anthony Hopkins looks like a quasi-mix of badass and corny (I can't explain it, you just have to see and hear him for yourself) as Odin, and the reality that this is just another brick on the road to the geek-gasm inducing "Avengers" movie in 2012, where Thor will unite with Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, and more besides are all reason enough to be looking forward to "Thor".

Then again, I also looked forward to seeing "V For Vendetta" getting the big-screen treatment, and well...I'd rather not talk about how that turned out. And Natalie Portman was in that, and she's here playing Thor's human love interest Jane Foster...guess no word of mouth about her "getting shaved" will bring out any non-geeky, meat-head attendees this time around eh?


"Russian like mighty Thor. Has big hammer, seems like good communist" - The Russian from Garth Ennis' "The Punisher: Welcome Back Frank".