Superhero Movies Are Boring Me to Tears

Once upon a time, superhero movies were two things: rare, and rarely good. You'd never know that today though. It feels like there's a new one coming out every month or so. Most of them are pretty high quality too in terms of budget and production, which is a far cry from how shit used to be back in the day. The Marvel movies in particular always seem to have super production values and are wonderfully polished, etc. That's why they make a shitload of cash in theaters after all...because they're pretty, they're from Marvel, and they're the cool thing for now...

...and they have bored the hell out of me lately.

There used to be a time when I ate this shit up like it was fucking opium-flavored cereal, but that time is long gone. Case in point: I watched "Avengers: Age of Ultron" last night and I was bored to tears. I'm not saying it's a bad movie or anything, because it certainly isn't. There's nothing bad about it in all honesty, it's just that I was flat out bored. How could I be bored about all the action and mayhem happening on screen? Well, it's the same problem that most, if not all, of the Marvel movies have: the stakes never seem all that high. Even though the climax of every single Marvel movie is a goddamn massive battle of some sort, it never feels like there's some massive shit happening that's going to have massive ramifications.

Now to explain another point, look at "Man of Steel", and no, I'm not saying DC movies are better than Marvel, so don't get your fanboy panties in a bunch. Anyway, despite its flaws, "Man of Steel" felt like the stakes were extremely high, with half of a city being obliterated and thousands of people meeting their end as two superhumans battled each other. In real life, if such beings existed and duked it out, this is what it would be like (granted if this works for being a Superman story is another entry for another day, but I digress). We feel invested because this is some major world-shattering shit happening that will end up having major ramifications down the road. With the Marvel movies, we all know they're gearing towards Thanos and all that, which is all well and good and I'm excited to see that, because finally it'll be a Marvel movie with some major stakes on the line.

And speaking of Thanos, maybe the reason it never feels like there are major stakes is because we know he is where all the Marvel flicks lead, so nothing else will come close to matching him? Or, maybe it's because every time Marvel looks like they're going to kill off a character (Fury, Coulson), they bring them back in a dumb ass way (they're not really dead). I mean that's not a surprise since that's been Marvel's calling card in comics for decades (anyone who dies isn't really dead), whereas in DC when they off a character, they are deader than shit and actually get resurrected.

Regardless, it all boils down to personal preference I guess. I just wish this shit didn't bore me so much nowadays. There was a time when I loved everything about superheroes and comic books, etc. Maybe I finally grew up in my 30s?

Nah, growing up is for pussies.

As you're reading this, I'm literally sitting in my recliner typing this, eating Count Chocula and watching "Rocco's Modern Life". Fuck the world.

THE AVENGERS Review!

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!



The wait is finally over, and “The Avengers” has been unleashed upon the masses to record-setting box-office returns. After finally getting around to seeing it, I can safely say that it’s undoubtedly one of the best comic book/superhero movies of all time, and certainly the best “team” movie of all time to boot. That being said, it isn’t without its flaws in the least, so let’s go diving in head first and see what it’s all about here.

First off, getting Joss Whedon to write and direct “The Avengers” was a stroke of genius. His time writing the “Astonishing X-Men” comic series was the best handling the X-Men had gotten in ages, and makes me yearn for a Whedon-directed X-Men film so much it hurts my balls just thinking about it. He manages to juggle a roster of iconic and lesser-known characters without a majority of them feeling short-changed (except for Hawkeye, but mostly because he spends the first chunk of the movie possessed by Loki) and just seeing Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor all together on the big screen makes me feel like I’m 8 years old all over again.

The casting of the film is a mixed bag. I know we’ve seen all these guys already beforehand, but seeing them come together here really displays the flaws here in terms of the cast, namely Scarlett Johanssen as Black Widow. She doesn’t come off as that strong badass chick here like she did in “Iron Man 2”. Granted that she has her share of badass moments (namely the interrogation with Loki) but by the time the final battle comes around, both she and Hawkeye just seem like they were shoehorned into the massive battle. If anything, I’d love to see her get replaced (and Black Widow as a whole actually) in future installments, namely by Ms. Marvel, because if it’s one thing this team needs, it’s a powerhouse superheroine.

As for the rest of the crew, the more I see of Chris Evans, the more convinced I am that he’s the perfect choice for Captain America. His new costume, not so much. It looks like he’s got a condom head, but hey, at least he doesn’t look too ridiculous (see the early 90s movie with the rubber fucking ears). Personally I loved his WWII garb from his movie last summer, maybe another variation of that would have been better suited, but hey, that’s just me. Robert Downey Jr and Chris Hemsworth as Iron Man and Thor respectively are great, but Mark Ruffalo surprisingly steals the show as Bruce Banner, and holy mother of fucking shit, the Hulk moments are so great that I nearly had an orgasm watching them unfold on the big screen.

As for the film itself, it was a wonderfully realized ultra-epic comic book adventure. One thing I noticed is a decent amount of backlash from comic book fans about stuff they consider “wrong” with it, but I’m not going to bother picking it apart. I could if I really wanted to, but god-fucking-damnit, I’m not going to. Why? Because it delivered the goods in terms of what I wanted to see: an ultra-epic presentation of Marvel’s greatest superheroes teaming up and going on a full-scale Earthbound-battle ground. I didn’t go as gaga over it as so many others have, but I thoroughly enjoyed it for what it is, and that’s all that really matters.

In terms of the eventual sequel, well, I’m looking more forward to that happening than I was to this film believe it or not. Seeing Thanos at the end of the film snickering to The Other makes me swoon and hope for a full-blown intergalactic Avengers film that takes the grand scale of this film and makes it look like a low-budget D-movie. Make it happen for fuck’s sake Marvel! I haven’t read a Marvel comic and not been disappointed in quite a few years, but goddamnit, Marvel’s films since Iron Man (namely the main Marvel movies, the other ones owned by different movie studios like “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” and “X-Men: First Class” don’t count) haven’t let me down, so I’m holding faith for them until I’m proven wrong.

It goes without saying that if you haven’t seen “The Avengers” yet (and I think there’s only like five people on the planet that haven’t) you definitely should. It’s the best Marvel superhero movie yet, and one of the most enjoyable superhero movies of all time thus far. Go see it goddamnit, you’ll be glad that you did.



Oh yeah, seeing how well “The Avengers” turned out makes me wish DC and Warner Bros. would get their shit together and follow the Marvel trend of releasing superhero movies to lead up to a Justice League flick. Instead, we get excellent Batman movies, an abysmal Superman flick (“Superman Returns”) that’s so bad it gets rebooted (next year’s “Man of Steel”) and a Green Lantern adaptation that makes my asshole pucker just thinking about it. Come on guys, get your shit together for Christ’s sake.

The Five Heroes We Want in the Next "Avengers" Films

With the American release of “The Avengers” just about here, we all know that there are going to be inevitable sequels. With a roster featuring Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Nick Fury; comic fans far and wide know that the history of the Avengers is littered with a whole shit-ton of past and present team members. For the inevitable sequels, new characters are definitely bound to be introduced to the movie-going public, so let’s take a look at just who should be introduced in the next installments of the feature film adaptations of Marvel’s superhero all-star squad. I've narrowed my choices down to five characters (and that was actually surprisingly tough) so strap yourselves in here fellow nerds.

NOTE: Two of the obvious choices here would definitely be the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, but considering that they’re Magneto’s kids in the Marvel universe, and Fox still owns the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related, who knows if they’d even be able to be featured in an Avengers movie, so I’m leaving them off of this list.

Here we go:



ANT-MAN

Yes, the name itself may make you giggle, but consider this: when Stan Lee and co. first introduced the Avengers way back when, Ant-Man was one of the founding members. The alter-ego of brilliant scientist Hank Pym, Ant-Man can shrink himself to microscopic levels, and uses a super-duper helmet to control ants. Over the years, Hank changed his identity to codenames like Giant Man, Goliath, and Yellowjacket, while also becoming able to make himself grow in size to ridiculously gigantic levels. Hank’s been written to be a bit of an asshole over the years, so having him on the team would make for a bit of a different dynamic. “Shaun of the Dead” director Edgar Wright has been involved with an “Ant-Man” feature film for a while, but the damn thing has never gotten off the ground. With the popularity of Marvel heroes soaring through the roof like never before, now would never be a better time to get that flick off the ground and use it as a tie-in for another Avengers movie.



WASP

What would an Avengers team with Ant-Man be without having the Wasp as well? Hank’s occasional wife Janet features the same sort of powers that he does, but she also manages to use “stinger”-like projectiles as well. Like Hank, Janet has frequently been portrayed as a bit of a twat, but considering how volatile a relationship she and Hank have had over the years, who could blame her? Still, like Hank, she’s a founding member of the Avengers, and deserves to be there every bit as much as Hank.



MS. MARVEL

Occasionally known as Warbird (and even Captain Marvel), Carol Danvers is as badass as they come in terms of superheroines. Super strong, invulnerable, fast, she can fly, and she takes no shit…she’s the exact kind of super powered female that belongs with the Avengers and deserves to have a cinematic counterpart to display all of what I just mentioned. Make it happen folks.



LUKE CAGE

Revitalized over the past decade from a bit of a joke of a superhero into a take-no-prisoners team leader, Luke Cage deserves to be in the next Avengers flick. He has unbreakable skin and brawls with the best of them, and over the years in the comics, he’s become a leader for the team as well. Director John Singleton has been attached to make a solo Cage film over the past few years, but nothing has developed and it appears the project probably won’t happen anytime soon, if at all. In those regards, why the fuck not include him in the next Avengers flick? Come on now, we want it!



THE VISION

An android that can change the density of his body, Vision has been an Avenger for so damned long that not having him in the film is kind of a crime. Originally created by the villainous robot Ultron (who himself was an aborted creation of Hank Pym), Vision joined the Avengers and fought back. Including Vision in upcoming films opens up including Ultron as a future supervillain, which ultimately becomes a massive win-win for all of us.



That’s all for now folks, now stop reading and go check out “The Avengers” for fuck’s sake.

Jack Kirby: the Greatest There Ever Was

When it comes to the medium of comic books, one man is the King. It isn’t Stan Lee, it isn’t Frank Miller, it isn’t Alan Moore, and it even isn’t Will Eisner. The man I’m talking about is Jack Kirby; a creative mind that contributed more to the medium than probably anyone else ever had in the years before and since his passing. Today is August 28, 2011; which would have been King Kirby’s 94th birthday, but alas, the King isn’t here to celebrate it himself, so out of respect to the legendary artist/writer, let’s have a chat about just what all the man contributed to the comic book realm.

What Kirby is most notarized for is helping shape the Marvel universe as we know it today. He created Captain America with Joe Simon, and later with Stan Lee helped create other Marvel icons like Thor, Iron Man, the Hulk, the Fantastic Four, Doctor Doom, Black Panther, Uatu the Watcher, the Inhumans, Nick Fury, Ant-Man, the Wasp, Galactus, the Silver Surfer, Magneto, and the original X-Men lineup just to name a few. He also made numerous contributions to other characters like Spider-Man and Daredevil among others, before leaving Marvel after feeling he had been treated unfairly and poorly compensated.

In 1970, Kirby joined rival comics publisher DC Comics in a much publicized event, and immediately began churning out characters and stories that, like he did with Marvel, made a profound impact that still resonates to this very day. He created the “Fourth World” saga, which introduced The New Gods, including classic characters like Darkseid, Orion, Mister Miracle, Big Barda, Metron, and plenty, plenty more. He took Superman in new and different directions, while also creating a new take on the Sandman character, as well as other titles including “The Forever People”, “OMAC”, “Kobra”, “Kamandi”, and my own personal favorite, the character of Etrigan the Demon in “The Demon”. Most of these titles were fairly short-lived, as Kirby still didn’t get the degree of creative control he had yearned for, which led to a return to Marvel after only a few years with DC.

While back at Marvel, Kirby returned to writing and drawing “Captain America” and “Black Panther” while also creating the classic “The Eternals”, as well as the short-lived series’ “Devil Dinosaur” and “Machine Man”, before once again giving Marvel the finger due to the fact they didn’t want to provide him with a little something called health insurance. From that point forward Kirby dabbled in TV animation, book covers, and more besides while occasionally returning to DC for a “Fourth World” revival in the 80s, and created his own characters for Topps Comics in the early 90s, before passing away at 76 in 1994.

While big comic industry figures like Neil Gaiman, Alex Ross, Kurt Busiek, Grant Morrison, and plenty more openly acknowledge and pay homage to Kirby’s works, mainstream audiences sadly don’t know all that much about him. Stan Lee gets all the credit in the world for the Marvel icons we all know and love, but were it not for Jack Kirby, half of those characters would have never existed and the industry as a whole would not be what it is today. The sad part is that Kirby’s name doesn’t resonate with people like Lee’s does and sadly never has, making it all the more heartbreaking to know that Kirby died practically penniless. While Kirby’s family and estate have taken Marvel and various film companies that own the film rights to Marvel properties to court in an effort to regain control of various characters, Marvel as an entity pulled through victorious like they always do, and continue to make money off of Kirby’s name anytime they release a collection of his work (not a penny of which is seen by his family or estate mind you).

With all this in mind however, today is a day to celebrate the life of a legendary comics author. Jack “King” Kirby, you were undoubtedly the best in the business by far, and those of us who love and respect your work appreciate you all the more with each passing day. So happy birthday Jack, and it’s a shame you’re not here with us today, and if you were, you’d still be the greatest talent the medium would ever have…and you still are the greatest and most missed talent the medium has ever had as well.

What I Thought of "Captain America: The First Avenger"

WARNING: There are some small spoilers ahead, so be careful upon reading if you haven’t seen “Captain America” yet.



The last time I saw a movie based on Captain America, it was the early 1990s and there was a direct-to-video adaptation starring the son of J.D. Salinger in the title role. His mask had rubber ears (for real) and his Nazi arch nemesis the Red Skull was transformed into an Italian douche bag. Needless to say, it was pretty fucking awful.

Now fast forward to 2011, and here we are with “Captain America: The First Avenger”; a big budget adaptation of the classic Marvel icon that serves as a precursor to the eagerly anticipated take on “The Avengers”, which finds Cap uniting with fellow Marvel icons Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.), Thor (Chris Hemsworth), the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Black Widow (Scarlett Johanson), Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson), and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) to take on an assortment of baddies. Did this new take on Cap do the character justice? Fucking eh right it did!

First off, let it be known that Cap has for the most part been known as a fairly lame superhero. He’s pretty much Marvel’s version of Superman: a do-gooding boy scout of a superhero and an American propaganda tool at that. Still, despite all that, there was always something about Cap that really got to me even when I was a kid. There’s just something about him that always seemed some kind of badass to me despite his goody-good demeanor and presentation. Thankfully, this new “Captain America” fully illustrated all that and more.

Chris Evans, who has been in a shit ton of comic book movies over the past few years (the two abysmal “Fantastic Four” flicks, “Push”, “The Losers”, “Scott Pilgrim VS The World”) stars as the weakling turned super soldier, who is the very definition of the word hero. He has a never say die attitude and just wants to do the right thing. That in itself is what really puts the “hero” in superhero for Cap, and thankfully director Joe Johnston (“The Wolfman”, “The Rocketeer”) recognizes this in spades.

The film as a whole is a fairly breezy affair, but nevertheless it’s an enjoyable set-up for “The Avengers” and features a fairly good turn by villain extraordinaire Hugo Weaving (Agent Smith from “The Matrix” flicks) as the Red Skull. It isn’t perfect, and it isn’t the best Marvel movie you’ll ever see, but it does the character plenty of justice in the end, and really you can’t ask for much more than that. By the time it comes to an end, it’s the present day and the fateful meeting between Cap and Nick Fury perfectly sets up what’s to come next, which we get a very small dose of after the credits as we see a quick teaser of “The Avengers”. The fact that this film is being made with big-name actors makes me feel like a little kid again; which in itself is no small feat. I can safely say that my usual brand of rampant cynicism isn’t on overdrive here, and yes, next May can’t fucking come soon enough.

So no matter how you may have thought of Captain America as a character, if you’re a Marvel fan in the least you should definitely check out “Captain America: The First Avenger”; it’s a surprisingly fun trip, and it won’t make you gag on over-the-top American ideologies and clichés either.

Some New Thoughts on "The Avengers" Movie

First and foremost, all I have to say is SPOILER WARNING!!!

If you haven’t seen “Thor” yet, don’t read any further, because I’ll be talking about the film here in a little bit of detail in regards to next year’s “The Avengers”, which finds Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, Nick Fury, and more besides all in the same flick (screeching nerdgasm in 5…4…3…2…1…). All that being said, proceed at your own risk…

After finally getting around to seeing “Thor”, the end-credits Easter-egg confirms that Thor’s wicked brother Loki will be the main antagonist of “The Avengers”…or will he? Eagle-eyed viewers of “Thor” no doubt caught the quick glimpse of the Infinity Gauntlet in Odin’s chamber towards the beginning of the film (it looks like a big glove with shiny jewels on it), and comic geeks know that this is a reference to the universe-shattering titan known as Thanos. Thanos turned the Marvel universe on its ear in the 80s and 90s as he sought control over the Infinity Gauntlet and the Infinity Gems, and it now appears that the appearance of the Gauntlet wasn’t just a wink at comic geeks. Apparently, Thanos will also be a major villain in “The Avengers” in addition to Loki, and apparently, the shape-shifting alien Skrulls will also serve as antagonists for the super-team.

So, that’s Loki, Thanos, and now the Skrulls…anyone else think this all sounds like overkill a bit?

From my own understanding, when Marvel Studios first announced that all their films would be linked together to lead up to “The Avengers”, it was mainly perceived that it would revolve around the group hunting down the renegade Hulk. Now that that seems to be pretty much tossed out the window (maybe) we’re left with what sounds like a battle royale featuring a team of Marvel’s greatest heroes against a trinity of evil, cosmic super beings. Maybe it’s all misdirection on Marvel’s part and that of Joss Whedon, but maybe it isn’t either.

Either way though, there are plenty of questions left unanswered so far, such as:

Loki’s plans for the Cosmic Cube, which will be heavily featured in the “Captain America” film coming out this July, plus, if Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet are indeed in the film, what the fuck does anyone want the goddamn Cosmic Cube for?!?!

Now that we’ve seen Hawkeye in “Thor”, will we see other classic Avengers characters like Ant-Man and/or Wasp?

If they use all these villains in the first film, who the hell are they going to have left for possible future “Avengers” films? I can’t really see Ultron holding much of a candle in comparison to Loki, Thanos, and the fucking Skrulls!

Anyway, the fanboy in me is excited; I can’t deny it…even if I do have one or two misgivings, though in all fairness they are relatively small. “Thor” itself wasn’t a bad film, but it still kind of felt like it was really nothing more than a set-up for “The Avengers”; almost exactly like “Iron Man 2” felt for me as well. Hopefully “Captain America” won’t come off feeling like the same thing, but all I can say for sure for now, is that I haven’t looked forward to a comic book movie like “The Avengers” since “The Dark Knight” in 2008…and we all know how that worked out. Let’s hope we get something along the same result.

Thor Trailer: First Impressions

I'm nerding out again, but I don't know if it's in a fit of pleasure or rage yet.

Marvel's film studio is churning out another superhero would-be epic, this time with "Thor", slated for May 2011. One of Marvel's oldest and most celebrated characters, seeing Thor get a big-screen, big-budget treatment merits almost as much surprise to me as seeing my beloved Green Lantern get the same with DC's "Green Lantern" flick slated to hit only a couple months afterward.

After this past summer's New York Comic-Con, some footage from "Thor" leaked online (and was quickly removed), of which it has been condensced here in the first official trailer for the upcoming blockbuster. Chris Hemsworth, best known for playing Captain Kirk's ill-fated father in 2009's "Star Trek" reboot, is playing the title character, the Norse God of thunder. As the trailer shows, he has his patented long blonde hair, mystic hammer, and what even seems like a great take on his costume as well.

But the one thing I can't quite get over is that this guy is playing Thor. When I picture Thor, I picture a big, hulking individual. I mean Christ on a bike, he's the fucking Thunder God!!! Pro wrestler Triple H always seemed like the flesh & blood version of Thor (tell me he doesn't), but I understand getting an actual "actor" for the role. That being said, when I look at Hemsworth, no matter how 'roided up he looks, I just don't quite see Thor. Thor should be a tall, imposing individual. Any fan of HBO's vampire schlock-fest "True Blood" knows that fan-favorite Alexander Skarsgard auditioned for the role, and was even heralded by fanboys the world-over to get the part, but Marvel went with Hemsworth instead. Maybe they have the right idea, but who knows. I said the same thing about Ryan Reynolds when he was announced to play Hal Jordan in the "Green Lantern" movie, and the jury's still out in both cases.

Then again, like I said before, back when it was announced that Heath Ledger would play the Joker in "The Dark Knight", I laughed. We all know how that turned out now don't we?

Anyway, the visions of Asgard look spectacular, Anthony Hopkins looks like a quasi-mix of badass and corny (I can't explain it, you just have to see and hear him for yourself) as Odin, and the reality that this is just another brick on the road to the geek-gasm inducing "Avengers" movie in 2012, where Thor will unite with Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk, and more besides are all reason enough to be looking forward to "Thor".

Then again, I also looked forward to seeing "V For Vendetta" getting the big-screen treatment, and well...I'd rather not talk about how that turned out. And Natalie Portman was in that, and she's here playing Thor's human love interest Jane Foster...guess no word of mouth about her "getting shaved" will bring out any non-geeky, meat-head attendees this time around eh?


"Russian like mighty Thor. Has big hammer, seems like good communist" - The Russian from Garth Ennis' "The Punisher: Welcome Back Frank".