Why We Don't Need Any More "X-Men" Movies

Marvel has a number of popular characters, some of which outshine others like Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, the Fantastic Four, and more besides. However, there’s one group of Marvel characters that often get thrown into their own mix of stories and continuities outside the rest of the Marvel universe more often than not…

…and I’m talking about Marvel’s merry Mutant cashcow known as the X-Men.

Numerous cartoon adaptations, toys, novelties, and plenty more; the X-Men have been ingrained in our brains as being the premiere supergroup with an ever-growing cast of characters and teams. With all that popularity comes the X-Men feature films, beginning in 2000 with “X-Men”, and continuing in 2003 with “X2: X-Men United”, which remains not only the best X-Men film yet, but one of the best superhero movies ever made. After that, things kind of got a little shitty…2006’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” was unbelievably bad, and 2009’s “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” didn’t fare much better.

2011 saw the release of “X-Men: First Class”, which detailed the origins of Professor X and Magneto and just how they came on opposing sides. When images and press of the film were first released to the public, many laughed their asses off at how ridiculous it looked and expected something absolutely abysmal, but then something strange happened: the movie really didn’t suck so much. Granted I thought it sucked, but not as horrible as I had guessed it would be. Many others threw undeserved heaping amounts of praise upon the film, but honestly only because they went into it with expectations so low that they were wowed when it wasn’t that much of a steaming pile of dogshit. It made money, so naturally, there’s going to be more X-Men films on the horizon…which leads me to my point…

…we don’t need any more fucking X-Men movies.

A Wolverine sequel is on the way, and they’re about to start filming a direct sequel to “First Class” relatively soon as well. Why? Because people love the X-Men and are willing to lay down their cash to see X-Men movies no matter how fucking shitty they end up being. And Hollywood executives, i.e. Fox (who own the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related) know this all too well, and will continue to pump out one X-Men flick after another after another.

Being a comic book geek, the one thing I notice about the X-Men flicks is how screenwriters consistently throw in all different brands of X-Men characters (heroes and villains alike) into the plot and use the most basic of an outline of some comic storyline from the past and then try to stir it all together. In “X2”, it worked out magnificently, but since then, every X-Men flick has just been one big fucking mess. Will these upcoming X-Men movies be any different? Probably not…actually, it will be more than likely that they’ll suck just as bad.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more X-Men movies. I’m at the point that I don’t want any more X-Men movies even if they wind up being good. One thing that attracted me to the X-Men as a kid was that these characters were misunderstood, hated, and reviled by everyone. I related to Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Gambit, Nightcrawler, and the rest of the crew unlike any other comic book character before or after, and the films after the second installment for the most part have never, ever been able to really re-create that feeling of persecuted Mutants protecting a world that hates and fears them.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more shitty X-Men flicks. We don’t need them, we never really have, and seeing baby-faced, pretty boy actors playing mutant heroes and villains just doesn’t feel right. Oh yeah, and Hugh Jackman ain’t gettin’ any younger either folks.

Laying the Non-Playoff NHL Teams to Rest.

Ah yes, it’s that time of year again. The time of year when 16 NHL teams qualify for the Stanley Cup Playoffs. And that time of year when the 14 teams that didn’t make wonder what might have been. For all 14 teams that didn’t make the cut, it’s time to properly eulogize them, because really for some of these clubs, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t have made the cut in the first place. In other words…R.I.P., and see y’all next year.



THE WESTERN CONFERENCE



CALGARY FLAMES

After the years of mismanagement at the hands of Darryl Sutter, it’s a wonder this team even got as close as they did to making the big dance. Because of this, we lay the Flames to rest, as well as the hopes that they’re two bright shining stars in franchise captain Jarome Iginla and star goalie Miikka Kiprusoff will retire wearing the flaming C on their sweaters. They’ll be gone in order to hasten a true rebuilding effort, which is what this club has so desperately needed for so very long. In the end, it’ll be bittersweet, but the chance to see both stars have a chance at actually winning something with different teams is of no one’s fault but Flames management.


DALLAS STARS

After doing so well in the beginning of the season, the Stars just couldn’t stay consistent when it mattered most. As a result, we now lay the Stars to rest because in the end they just couldn’t muster up the testicular fortitude to win when it counted. True, they were much better than many had predicted they would be after star center Brad Richards spurned them for the bright lights of New York, but if it’s one phrase that should be etched on the Stars’ tombstone, it should read “too little, too fucking late”.


COLORADO AVALANCHE

Two seasons ago, the Avs overachieved with a young team. Last year, they imploded and were beyond horrible. This year, the Avs were a better group, but like the Stars, they couldn’t win when it mattered most. We lay my beloved Avalanche to rest thanks to lackluster coaching, and a general managed in Greg Sherman that obviously doesn’t know how to truly make a team better. You don’t make a team better by barely spending to the cap, you don’t make a team better by trading your first round draft picks for an overrated and oft-injured goaltender (Semyon Varlamov), and you certainly don’t make your team better by signing spare parts players to fill top-six roles (Chuck Kobasew anyone?). Those days of Sakic, Forsberg, and Roy seem so, so long ago…


MINNESOTA WILD

Believe it or not, there was a time this season when the Wild were the best team in the league. Yeah…that didn’t last all that long. When you can’t score but you play great defense, you can win games. But when your one key player (Mikko Koivu) gets hurt for a substantial period of time and your defense turns to shit overnight, you don’t win games anymore. In fact, you lose quite a few of them. The Wild were so pathetic down the stretch that it boggles the mind how with all the moves this team made in the off-season, they still wound up being just as lackluster as many predicted they would be. So we lay the Wild to rest, but just like the style they play, the event is so boring that everyone falls asleep during the ceremony.


ANAHEIM DUCKS

Holy. Mother. Of. God. What happened to the Ducks? They stumble out of the gate just playing absolutely horrible, shit-can their coach, and hire the recently shit-canned Washington Capitals coach Bruce Beaudreau to work the same kind of magic with this team that he did when he first came on with the Caps. Yeah…how’d that work out again? With all that, we now lay these Ducks to rest, but at least there is some promise that this team can be competitive again in the near future. Whether that future includes future Hall-of-Famer and Duck for life Teemu Selanne remains to be seen. If it doesn’t, it’s sad to see Teemu go out anywhere less than being on top.


EDMONTON OILERS

Another year in the basement, another draft lottery pick. Granted this is how many assumed the Oilers would do anyway, so it isn’t like it’s a colossal disappointment. Rookie sensation Ryan Nugent-Hopkins proved he’s the real deal in an injury-shortened debut campaign, while second year pro Jordan Eberle had a star-making season. That, and Captain Canada himself Ryan Smyth made a welcome return to his beloved Oilers, which provided both wonderful nostalgia and a woeful reminder that the man is getting a little too long in the tooth for all this shit. So we lay these Oilers to rest (again) but the flame burning for the future has never looked brighter for this franchise…ya know, as long as they start drafting some blue-chip defensemen this time around instead of more fucking forwards.


COLUMBUS BLUE JACKETS

Ah yes, the asshole of the Western Conference, and the NHL as a whole. The Jackets were so damn bad that they ran their big off-season acquisition Jeff Carter out of town, and even managed to make franchise cornerstone Rick Nash want to finally pack his bags and get the fuck out of dodge. Not that I blame Nash, the guy generally wants to win, and he finally realizes that he sure as shit ain’t gonna do that in fucking Columbus. The most mismanaged team in the NHL for the last decade; the Jackets are going to go nowhere fast. They can try rebuilding the roster (again and again) all they want, but it won’t do any good. As we lay these Blue Jackets to rest again, let us take the time to consider laying them to rest for good. Winnipeg finally got an NHL team back, and there are more deserving cities that want and need an NHL team. Whether it be Quebec, Hamilton, or even Kansas fucking City, Columbus is the asshole of the NHL, and nothing but shit has spewed from it since the team first broke into the league.





THE EASTERN CONFERENCE



BUFFALO SABRES

Big things appeared to be on the horizon for the Sabres entering this season. They got a mega-rich owner, acquired some high profile players, and appeared poised to do some serious damage in the NHL. Alas, nothing went well for the team from the opening puck drop. The Sabres fell apart from the beginning, and though the team heated up down the stretch, it was another case of too little, too fucking late as they just narrowly missed getting in the playoffs. So we lay these Sabres to rest, but thankfully they’ll have the financial backing for a grand Viking funeral. A grand Viking funeral that costs a lot of cash and just leaves you wanting more…ya know, just like the fucking team.


TAMPA BAY LIGHTNING

Another team that it was thought big things were on the horizon for, the Lightning fell apart as well, but this was mostly thanks to the abysmal goaltending from 40-some year old Dwayne Roloson. I always called GM and legendary Red Wings captain Steve Yzerman a genius in progress, but this time around he really screwed the pooch. At least he has the cupboard stacked with prospects and draft picks though, so the future doesn’t appear so bleak. And oh yeah, some guy named Steven Stamkos scored 60 goals this year too. So, we lay the Lightning to rest, but like the Oilers, the future looks pretty damn bright.


WINNIPEG JETS

The team formerly known as the Atlanta Thrashers stayed in the thick of the playoff race for a while, but faded when things really counted. Still, even though we’re laying these resurrected Jets to rest now, the fact that the Jets even exist again is reason enough to celebrate. And goddamnit, the sound of those home crowds. Just watch any clips of Jets games this year, and I guarantee that you will not hear a building erupting like that anywhere else in the NHL. Not in Pittsburgh, not in New York, not even the hockey Mecca’s of Toronto and Montreal. Winnipeg is back, and even though they missed out on the post-season, having them back is a truly wonderful thing.


CAROLINA HURRICANES

Getting off to the hilariously disastrous start of the season, the ‘Canes got a new coach, but kept the same schmucks on their roster. They managed to appear to turn the corner eventually, and the ‘Canes brass believes that this season was only an aberration and that they are much better than they seemed to be. Yeah, about that… Let’s face facts, the ‘Canes suck. They’ve made the playoffs twice since the lockout. Yeah they won a Cup in the first post-lockout year, but that was the true aberration. In fact, a lot of things that happened that season could be seen as aberrations…such as the magical run of the Oilers, Scott Gomez scoring 30 goals, and Peter Forsberg playing for the Flyers. Anyway, we lay the Hurricanes to rest, and there’s reason to believe they’ll be stinking up their grave for some time to come.


TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS

For a good chunk of the season, the Leafs appeared poised to finally make their ravenous fans happy and get in the playoffs. Then, shit just went fucking nuts. They catastrophically fell apart after the All-Star break, shit-canned their coach, and just kept on losing and losing and losing. So, again, we lay the Leafs to rest. And we might as well not even bother covering the casket in dirt either. After all, it ain’t like this team is fucking going anywhere any time soon.


NEW YORK ISLANDERS

Every time we think the Isles are actually going to make some big time progress and not suck, they come back and surprise with just how much they do suck. They have an offensive stud in franchise center John Tavares, and for all the good moves that GM Garth Snow does make, his nigh-retarded owner/boss Charles Wang just keeps sticking his dick in the ass of the franchise again and again. Somebody please, buy this once proud franchise to bring it back to its former glory. With all that being said, we again lay the Islanders to rest, in the hopes that someone will come along and bring them back from the dead…eventually.


MONTREAL CANADIENS

Does it make me a bad hockey fan because I oh so love when the Habs do horribly? Talk to any Canadiens fan, and they’ll beat your head in with all the shit about winning 20-some Cups in their storied history. And that’s just what they have, history. They haven’t won the Cup since 1993 and their management situation is in utter disarray. Combine that with a cavalcade of bad contracts and a fan base that is practically insane, and there you are. So now, we lay the Canadiens to rest, and I implore you all to do what you can to refrain from pissing and shitting all over the grave. On second thought…na, fuck it, go ahead.




ENJOY THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your Guide to Properly Enjoying Easter

DISCLAIMER: This blog entry is satirical (for the most part) and not meant to be taken seriously in the least. While I myself am an atheist and don’t believe in any of this Easter or Jesus stuff, I am in no means shit-talking those that do believe in this sort of thing. We live in a free country and have the right to believe or not believe in whatever we want to. For example, I don’t believe in omnipotent beings passing judgment on us, but I do believe in evolution, where as a majority of Christians believe in said omnipotent being but believe evolution is ludicrous and that those that believe in it should be publicly executed as an example for those that speak against God. In other words, relax folks; I’m just trying to have a bit of fun here.



Oh shit, it’s Easter. That time of year when we’re all reminded that Jesus Christ rose from the dead and such…and we get reminded of that constantly. So what does Jesus rising from the dead have to do with rabbits and coloring eggs? Fuck if I know, but that’s the way things are for whatever reason, and if you believe any different, well…shame on you and all that I guess. In celebration of Zombie Jesus day, here’s a list of how to properly celebrate this bullshit holiday:



Eat a rabbit

Fuck a rabbit

Fuck then eat the rabbit

Drop some acid then attempt egg coloring and pray that your head doesn’t explode when you start seeing swirling colors

Watch that episode of “South Park” where Stan questions the intricacies of Easter and slowly realize that holy-fucking-shit this makes a whole lot of sense

Go on an Easter egg hunt naked

Go find an Easter egg hunt in progress while dressed up like the Frank rabbit from “Donnie Darko”, find a random kid and tell him about when the world will end

Watch a marathon of quasi-Easter-related films: “The Crow”, “Dawn of the Dead”, “Last Temptation of Christ”, etc.

Hate yourself because you’re Catholic and it’s your fault Jesus was killed in the first place

Repeatedly punch yourself in the crotch for reading this blog



HAPPY EASTER!!!!!

5 Reasons Why We Love Batman

“The Dark Knight Rises” is well on its way, so over the next couple months it’s safe to assume that we’re all going to be bombarded with anything and everything Batman-related. With that in mind, it’s time to take a look at just why we love Batman as much as we do. A character so iconic and who has meant so much to so many, trying to pinpoint exactly why we love Batman isn’t an easy thing to do…but goddamnit, I’m going to try. So here we are to count down the top 5 reasons why we fucking love the goddamn Batman.

5: No superhero has more monumental stories than Batman.

“The Dark Knight Returns”. “Year One”. “The Killing Joke”. “The Long Halloween”. “Dark Victory”. “A Death in the Family”. “Birth of the Demon”. “Hush”. And many, many more. No other comic book character has had as many monumental storyarcs as Batman. Not to mention the fact that no other superhero character has had such a bevy of talent work on him over the years like Batman has. Frank Miller, Alan Moore, Brian Bolland, Jeph Loeb, Tim Sale, Jim Starlin, Marv Wolfman, Jim Lee, Grant Morrison, Brian Azzarello, Denny O’Neil, Scott Snyder, Greg Rucka, Jock, Chuck Dixon, Paul Dini, Bruce Timm, James Robinson, and countless others have all lent their talents to various Batman titles and helped craft their share of brilliant stories in the process. There is no other comic book character in existence that has had this many iconic stories presented to us by so many talented individuals that it only means one thing: they’re all as drawn into Batman as the rest of us are.



4. He has no superpowers.

How the hell does someone manage to dress up in tights and beat criminals to a pulp without super strength or any other superpowers? Batman isn’t invulnerable, have X-ray vision, or can run at superspeed. Instead, he must rely on his ultra-keen wits, his sheer athleticism, and an unprecedented determination that NO ONE in comics could ever hope to match. He doesn’t do what he does because he feels he has to; he does it because he believes that he is needed to do so. Combine that with the fact that he’s such a brilliant detective that it makes Sherlock Holmes look retarded, and you have a superhero that puts his peers to shame.



3. He’s the ultimate anti-hero.

Batman doesn’t take shit from anyone, hero or villain. He does his own thing with little regard over how he is perceived by others, and folks, that’s just plain fucking badass in itself. His only real rule, to not kill, is what separates him from other popular anti-heroes like Wolverine, The Punisher, or Spawn. The fact that he walks that fine line between being a true super hero and a costumed killer is also what makes us so drawn to him. That dark side that Batman embodies is what we all desire to unleash in the real world, and seeing him do just that while ensuring that the right thing gets done in the process is what helps make Batman such an awesome character.


2. Where does he get those wonderful toys?

Being a billionaire industrialist has its perks. Namely having a superhero alter-ego that you have the cash to bankroll numerous inventions and gizmos needed to take down your enemies. The Batmobile, the Batwing, the batarang, the classic grappling hook, and tons, tons more; all these gadgets are nearly as iconic as Batman himself. I mean Christ, where the hell would he be without that damn grappling hook in the first fucking place? That, and wouldn’t you love to drive around your neighborhood in an ultra-sleek, flames-shooting-out-the-back-end Batmobile? I know I fucking would…



1. The villains.

Part of what has made Batman such an iconic superhero character is the fact that no one has as much iconic villains as he does. In fact, there is literally no other superhero that has as rich a rogue’s gallery as Batman does. Superman, Spider-Man, the X-Men, and The Flash come close to having their own assortment of iconic villains, but they can’t come close to topping Batman. We know them all almost by heart: Joker, Two-Face, Penguin, Catwoman, Riddler, Poison Ivy, Mr. Freeze, Bane, Ra’s Al Ghul, The Scarecrow, Killer Croc, Solomon Grundy, The Mad Hatter, Man-Bat, Hush, Clayface, Victor Zsasz, Harley Quinn, Firefly, and many, many more. These villains help make Batman as iconic a character as he is because no other superhero has the sheer amount of villains that help push their counterpart to the limit like Batman’s do. And for all the evil that Batman’s rogues manage to do, he still won’t give in to them and kill; he’ll never become anything like them. It’s that sheer will, the determination, the never say die attitude that these villains bring out in our hero that make him so damned endearing, and nearly no other villain can say the same for their hero counterpart.



That’s all for now folks, see y’all in the funnybooks.

Michael Bay Shits All Over Your Childhood Again

Remember the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? If you were a kid in the late 80s/early 90s, how the fuck could you not? They were fucking everywhere! There was the cartoon, the movies, video games, comic books, action figures, toothbrushes, board games, books, and so much more that it’s nearly impossible to fathom just how much of a juggernaut the TMNT license once was. The Turtles popularity ended up seriously waning eventually, with occasional attempts at resurrecting the franchise happening every few years, most recently with the CGI flick to come out in 2007 which actually wasn’t all that bad.

Why am I talking about the Turtles you ask? Well, as you’ve probably heard by now, there’s a live action reboot of the film in the works, and is produced by none other than Michael Bay. Bay caused a fervor when he announced that these new-fangled Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are no longer mutants created by radioactive ooze, but instead are aliens from another planet. Oh, and they’re not teenagers either anymore. Also, instead of ninjas, they’re going to transform into turtle robots and shoot missiles out of their ass holes. Okay, that last part I made up, but all the rest is true.

Now, the first question I raise here is why the fuck is Michael Bay even involved in this to begin with? Hasn’t he already fucked up enough of our memories of beloved 80s cartoons with the fecal-matter laced Transformers trilogy? Not to mention the huge number of 80s horror flicks he’s had a hand in remaking (Friday the 13th, Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Amityville Horror, Nightmare on Elm Street, and plenty more) to add insult to injury. Why the fuck does he have to put his hands in the Turtles for fuck’s sake? I can understand making another attempt to bring back what was once an ultra-popular franchise, and attaching a big name to do it, but Christ on a fucking bike why does it have to be Bay, and why does he have to change so much damn shit that a majority of people already know to be fact about the license in the first fucking place? They’re called “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles”, what the hell is he going to rename them? Post-adolescent Alien Douche-Bag Turtles? Why? WHY? WHY!

I have fond memories of the Turtles when I was a kid. I had the NES games, a whole shit-load of toys, and would watch the cartoon religiously. I grew out of it once I got past the age of 12 or so, but I always had a soft spot in my heart for the Turtles regardless. Hearing this kind of news that not only are they being changed around so damn much, but that they’re being changed around by GODDAMN MICHAEL BAY makes me want to shit myself into a stupor. You figure if they’re taking something established already and trying to make it new again, why don’t they just come up with an original idea themselves? Would that really be too much fucking effort?

So in closing, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…

Fuck you Michael Bay, fuck you hard.

Why the Second Season of "The Walking Dead" Kinda Sucked

The second season of “The Walking Dead” is over. Some would say sadly, others would say thankfully. I’m a little bit in between for the time being. After a six-episode first season of the series, I like many other viewers, salivated over the prospects of a 13 episode second season…and also like many, I was left wanting more. Granted that the show’s ultra-creepy season premiere and jaw-dropping finale were great, but everything else in between felt kind of…well, flat.

From this point forward, SPOILERS AHEAD. So if you haven’t seen any recent episodes, read all this at your own risk.




So, here we are. The group is without sanctuary (though the prison is seen looming in the background as our group scrambles to figure out what to do next), Shane, Dale, and others are deader than shit, while Andrea is trapped in the woods and saved by Michonne (making her first appearance on the show fucking finally). Like I said, all that and the show’s beginning were awesome, but just about everything else in between was either flat or just plain drawn out. Maybe it’s because show-runner Frank Darabont got shit-canned by AMC (and as a result, two of his biggest supporters in actors Jon Bernthal and Jeffrey DeMunn, who played Shane and Dale respectively, got slaughtered, even though anyone who has ever read the comic knows that by this point Shane is way past dead to fucking begin with) and maybe it’s because with all the budget-slashing there had to be more talking and less zombie-bashing, ya know…because filming people talking is much less expensive than bloody special effects and makeup.

Whatever the case may be, the one thing that irked the shit out of me about this season of “The Walking Dead” is what the writing staff has done to the women of the group. Lori is unbelievably irritating and just a flat out cunt (like she was in the comic granted) while I pray for Carol’s death with each passing episode. Andrea, who was such an awesomely-written, strong-willed character in the comics, has been degraded to being a chick that doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. We saw flashes of her strong character in the first season of the show, before harping on the death of her sister…the sister she let come back as a walker so she could shoot her. What did Andrea in the comic do when her sister was bitten and killed? She blew her head off right away so she WOULDN’T come back as a walker. Yeah…the writing staff has fucked Andrea up to the point of no return. I can forgive turning Dale into a bleeding heart, Maggie into a clingy twat, or even making Herschell less of a douche bag and even kind of likeable, but seeing what they’ve done with Andrea just makes me all kind of pissy.

What are we to do with the women of “The Walking Dead”? Well if Michonne is done proper justice, we’ll have a bad ass character and one of the absolute iconic faces of “The Walking Dead”. And speaking of iconic faces, I’m dying to see the first appearance of The Governor. One of the greatest villains in the history of the comic book medium, the existence of The Governor and his crew has been hinted at aplenty, and for those who have read the comics before, know that the collision course between the group and The Governor was THE game changer for everyone involved, and insured that nothing would ever be the same again for anyone.

Now what I did like from this season was the final confrontation between Rick and Shane. It was a long time coming and inevitable, and Rick’s display of take no prisoners “it’s either him or me” mentality is the Rick I’ve been dying to see since the show first premiered. I’ll actually kind of miss Shane because Jon Bernthal played him so damn well, and took an otherwise hated comic book character and made him sympathetic and actually likeable. The zombie makeup and effects were also spectacular, particularly the effects work done with the zombie chewing his way through the car windshield on Lori’s crashed car and slowly destroying his own face. That was fucking incredible. Oh, and Daryl Dixon is probably the best character on the show, he’s the funniest and most cheer-worthy TV racist in television history since Archie fucking Bunker.

All things considered, I’m generally looking forward the third season of “The Walking Dead”. With 16 (!) episodes slated for next season, here’s hoping for some more action and some much less fucking TALKING! I’m all for drama in a post-apocalyptic zombie world (which is what made the comic book so fucking good in the first place) but it stifles any of the horror, action, or sense of impending doom, which is what the show should be all about in the first fucking place.

In the end though folks, we’re going to have to wait a while to see what develops…



…but as long as I see Lori and Carol get eaten alive I’m okay with pretty much whatever the fuck happens next.

Your Guide to Celebrating St. Pat's Day the Right Way

Ah yes, it’s Saint Patrick’s Day. The day when millions of people regardless of their heritage get absolutely shit-faced…just like the Irish themselves. Yes my fellow blokes, whether the unfortunate stereotype of the Irish being wife-beating alcoholics is true, untrue, deserved, or undeserved, we’re all in agreement that whether you are Irish or not, you’re going to be regretting what you do tonight by tomorrow morning when you wake up with a severe hangover and laying next to that super hot chick you met the night before that is now the size of a hippo and is probably missing a tooth or two (or three). So, in that regard, here’s a list of tips and fun facts for how you can enjoy your night of binge-drinking with little collateral damage to deal with the following day:



Always bring spare condoms. Or saran wrap and a rubber band. Or neither, but whatever you do, give a fake name.

Be sure to watch the first “Boondock Saints” movie either before you venture out or while you’re drinking. Save the sequel for when you’re hungover and are unable to get up to grab the remote to shut it off.

Drink casually enough at first; don’t overdo it…unless you’re trying to prove to the cute chick with the toolbag boyfriend just how hardcore you are.

No matter how many times you hear music from Dropkick Murphys or Flogging Molly and you sing along, you don’t sound better the louder you sing the lyrics.

You’re not really getting into the spirit of the holiday by drinking Natty Ice or Bud Light one after another, because let’s face facts, you may as well be drinking water the whole fucking time.

Walking around with a belt buckle that says “kiss the Blarney Stone” is only funny for the first five minutes max that you wear it.

The chick that’s hanging all over you at the end of the night may fuck you yes, but the puke stain she leaves on your apartment floor will fuck you even worse because no matter what you can’t scrub the fucker out.

Birth control pills aren’t meant to be taken like Tic-Tacs or as chasers.

The guy wearing the green, four-leaf clover top-hat may seem like he has it going on and knows how to party, until you realize that inside the hat is his roofie supply he intends to use on you so he doesn’t wake up his Mom when he takes you home to bang you on his bean-bag in the basement.

Any “Irish bar” that plays more Lady Gaga and Usher than good ‘ol Irish drinking songs is not an “Irish bar” at all, even if the bouncer at the door is about as intimidating as a leprechaun.

Watching any combination of the “Leprechaun” sequels is not a good way to celebrate the day.

Corn beef and cabbage along with a pint of Guinness is traditional yes, almost as traditional as shitting your brains out about a half hour after you have eaten it.

Trying to talk with a faux-Irish accent is only acceptable when you’re trying to bang that chick that’s only in the city “visiting” and you tell her you’re actually from Ireland “visiting”.

Taking a big ‘ol shit in a black pot and spray painting said shit gold, followed by placing the shit-pot in the front seat of your buddy’s car while making sure all the windows are rolled up never ever stops being funny.





You’re welcome folks, enjoy!