Your Guide to Celebrating St. Pat's Day the Right Way

Ah yes, it’s Saint Patrick’s Day. The day when millions of people regardless of their heritage get absolutely shit-faced…just like the Irish themselves. Yes my fellow blokes, whether the unfortunate stereotype of the Irish being wife-beating alcoholics is true, untrue, deserved, or undeserved, we’re all in agreement that whether you are Irish or not, you’re going to be regretting what you do tonight by tomorrow morning when you wake up with a severe hangover and laying next to that super hot chick you met the night before that is now the size of a hippo and is probably missing a tooth or two (or three). So, in that regard, here’s a list of tips and fun facts for how you can enjoy your night of binge-drinking with little collateral damage to deal with the following day:



Always bring spare condoms. Or saran wrap and a rubber band. Or neither, but whatever you do, give a fake name.

Be sure to watch the first “Boondock Saints” movie either before you venture out or while you’re drinking. Save the sequel for when you’re hungover and are unable to get up to grab the remote to shut it off.

Drink casually enough at first; don’t overdo it…unless you’re trying to prove to the cute chick with the toolbag boyfriend just how hardcore you are.

No matter how many times you hear music from Dropkick Murphys or Flogging Molly and you sing along, you don’t sound better the louder you sing the lyrics.

You’re not really getting into the spirit of the holiday by drinking Natty Ice or Bud Light one after another, because let’s face facts, you may as well be drinking water the whole fucking time.

Walking around with a belt buckle that says “kiss the Blarney Stone” is only funny for the first five minutes max that you wear it.

The chick that’s hanging all over you at the end of the night may fuck you yes, but the puke stain she leaves on your apartment floor will fuck you even worse because no matter what you can’t scrub the fucker out.

Birth control pills aren’t meant to be taken like Tic-Tacs or as chasers.

The guy wearing the green, four-leaf clover top-hat may seem like he has it going on and knows how to party, until you realize that inside the hat is his roofie supply he intends to use on you so he doesn’t wake up his Mom when he takes you home to bang you on his bean-bag in the basement.

Any “Irish bar” that plays more Lady Gaga and Usher than good ‘ol Irish drinking songs is not an “Irish bar” at all, even if the bouncer at the door is about as intimidating as a leprechaun.

Watching any combination of the “Leprechaun” sequels is not a good way to celebrate the day.

Corn beef and cabbage along with a pint of Guinness is traditional yes, almost as traditional as shitting your brains out about a half hour after you have eaten it.

Trying to talk with a faux-Irish accent is only acceptable when you’re trying to bang that chick that’s only in the city “visiting” and you tell her you’re actually from Ireland “visiting”.

Taking a big ‘ol shit in a black pot and spray painting said shit gold, followed by placing the shit-pot in the front seat of your buddy’s car while making sure all the windows are rolled up never ever stops being funny.





You’re welcome folks, enjoy!

Why Facebook Isn't Fun Anymore

Remember when Facebook was fun? When you would look at your friend’s statuses and laugh your ass off at some ridiculous things, and come up with some ridiculous things yourself for your own status just for shits and giggles and to give your pals a good laugh as well?

Yeah, Facebook isn’t like that anymore. Didn’t you get the memo?

I don’t want to pick on anyone here, I really don’t, but can’t anyone come up with anything better than re-posting statuses that deal with shit like “supporting the troops”, or “if you have a great mom”, or “God says it’s his will my wife fucked my neighbor”, or some other crap for fuck’s sake? And when did everyone become so fucking sensitive? If you make a joke or say something that’s remotely biting humor in regards to anything involving religion, abortion, bestiality, or anything outside the norm; you’re an insensitive scumbag that gets reported to Mark Zuckerberg’s underlings and you get the digital equivalent to forty lashes with a wet noodle. Case in point, some time ago I posted a link in regards to discussions of the government pulling the plug on Planned Parenthood, and made a joke regarding abortion…and holy fucking shit did I get lampooned for it in return. I had no idea that I was Facebook friends with so many people that take life and all its unintentional hilarity so damn serious, so many that in fact I got deleted, blocked, AND reported and had said link removed.

Un-fucking-believable.

On another occasion, I made a joke about homeless people being thrown bottles of booze to play a game I lovingly called “hungry hungry hobos”. After getting quite a few laughs and funny reactions, I was subsequently called ignorant and told that I should watch that shitty Will Smith movie “The Pursuit of Happiness”, which is allegedly proof that not all homeless people are alcoholics. Keep in mind that said douche bag is himself ignorant of the fact that “The Pursuit of Happiness” is not as true a story as was advertised (and is largely known that the man Smith played was in fact a drug-raddled boozer himself) and also has little to no sense of humor…except when repeatedly posting statuses talking about being a “gangsta” in the “streets of Reading, PA” (which if you are not familiar with, is a shitty excuse of a city that’s surrounded by farm land) and hilariously enough can’t seem to read and spell above the third-grade level.

If it’s one thing I’ve learned over the years, it’s that life is not worth living if you take EVERY little goddamn thing so seriously. What’s the point of living if you can’t enjoy life and have some fun? Is it really necessary to live life with a stick shoved up your ass and take it out on everybody by raining on their parade? If you do that in real, everyday life, that’s one thing…but being like that on Facebook is something else entirely. It’s the internet for the love of fuck; it’s the absolute least-sacred place in the history of the fucking planet Earth. When people aren’t participating in Facebook-fuckstickery, they’re downloading internet porn. That’s the internet, that’s what it’s designed for: fucking around, jerking off to porn, and being an outlet for those that have to live boring lives. The wankers and fun police shaking their fingers at everything they deem offensive need to take a long look in the mirror and realize that not only does the everyday, real-life world not revolve around them, but the digital world doesn’t either.

In other words, take the sticks out of your collective asses and lighten the fuck up.

Or get laid.

People Who Deserve to Get AIDS

Howdy folks!

I know it's been a while since I've blogged here, but things have been unusally busy and hectic on my end for the past few weeks. That being said, I hope to be posting again in a more consistent frame of time, so in the meantime, here's a list of various people who in my humble opinion deserve to get AIDS.

Why you ask? Because they're either scumbags, or they just annoy the holy living shit out of me. Enjoy!



People who deserve to get AIDS:

O.J. Simpson

Bam Margera

Tiger Woods (he probably already has it)

Barry Bonds

The assholes trying to remake "The Crow"

Lindsay Lohan (she probably already has it too)

Timothy Patrick Snyder (he knows why)

Charlie Sheen (you knew you saw that shit coming)

Dane Cook

Joel Schumacher

Kanye West (because all he does is annoy the shit out of me anymore)

The Student Loan Association



...that's all for now folks! See y'all soon!