New Year's Resolutions I Probably Won't Keep

That Mayan Apocalypse sure was some wild shit wasn't it? The hellfire and brimstone raining down from the sky, the dead rising up and consuming the flesh of the living, mass suicides, and all the other crazy bullshit that happened. Could you believe it?

Oh wait, what? None of that shit happened? Did I hallucinate all that?

Yeah, I did. You really shouldn't do whippets when you're well into your late 20s.

Anyway, it's another Christmas that has come and gone, and now we approach the end of the year. So long 2012, hello 2013. In that regard, I just want to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's. That being said, what's the one thing that always comes with the New Year, other than a night of getting absolutely shit-faced and regrettably fucking your best friend's mother? Broken New Year's Resolutions, that's what. So here folks is my own personal list of New Year's Resolutions that I may try to keep, and that I probably won't.



That I will no longer post pictures of my penis all over the internet in the sad hope that someone will find it attractive.

That I will stop playing shitty NES and Genesis games for the first time in over 20 years.

That this Halloween, my first without old Paul, I'll make it the best tribute to him that I could ever hope to do.

That I'll go to see "Man of Steel" and not get pissed off enough to start launching projectiles at the screen.

That I'll pull out more often.

That one day I'll pick the guitar back up.

That I'll go back to writing.

That I'll finally get tatted after years of wavering about what I want to get and where exactly I wanna get it on my body.

That this will be four years without drugs.

That I'll take one more step to making my dreams come true.

That I won't do 180 degree head turns every time a chick with a nice ass walks the opposite direction.




That's all for now folks. See all y'all next year!

It's the End of the World (Again). Here's Your "Fuck It List" of Shit to Do Before You Burn

Ah yes folks, it's that time of year again. No, not Christmas, but the end of the world. However, unlike all the other failed doomsday prophecies, the end of the world on 12/21/2012 has some hype behind it. Namely the fact that it's the end of the Mayan calandar, which supposedly has some bearing as to when the world will officially end. Unlike the last few times when it was all "rapture" this and "second coming" that, this doomsday scenario has been talked about quite a bit over the years, and was even the subject of a John Cusack-starring flick from the director of "Independence Day"...and if there's any true source of credibility, it's from the director of "Independence Day".

We've heard it all before: fire & brimstone, the dead rising from the grave, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Regardless of how exactly the world ends: Jesus comes down, zombies take over the planet, the whole fucking thing blows up, etc., it's times like this that you have to wonder what you would do in your final hours...and this my friends is a handy guide as to how you should spend your last hours on Earth, which I like to call the "Fuck It List". The first thought that may pop up in your head is "I want to spend them with my friends, family, and loved ones", which is all well in good for most of you, but for the rest of you degenerates (myself included), this is what you should do...so just say fuck it and go balls to the wall...



Eat a whole shitload of cake and ice cream. Why not be gluttonous? Fuck it.

Get absolutely mangled, steal a golf cart, and go for a nice, soothing drive down a freeway in the opposite direction. Fuck it.

Try meth for the first time ever. Or if you're feeling adventurous, try to cook it. If the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" can do it, why can't you? Fuck it.

Drive to Carlos Mencia's house and kick him in the groin repeatedly while wearing steel-toed boots. He deserves it. Fuck it.

Go to the Westboro Baptist Church, firebomb it, and then protest when the fire department comes to put out the flames. Fuck it (and fuck them too).

Go bareback a trannie hooker that only charges 10 bucks for a half and half. Fuck it.

Act like you're robbing bank, but right in the middle of it, strip bare ass naked and start singing "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. Fuck it.

Don't feel the need to hide the fact that you're masturbating in public and crawl out of the bush you're hidden behind on your hot neighbor's lawn. Fuck it.

Tell your ex-girlfriend you have AIDS. Fuck it.

Bang your best friend's mom after all the years of dreaming about it. Or at least try to. Fuck it.

Walk into a Home Depot or Lowes and take a shit in one of the display toilets, Jackass style. Fuck it.

Kick a gorilla in the balls. Fuck it.

Watch "The Hobbit" and try not to fall asleep. Fuck it.

Tell everyone you thought "Avengers" sucked. Fuck it.

Steal a police car, a badge, and a uniform. Pull random people over...and give full cavity searches. Fuck it.



Well now, there aren't many days left until the end of times, so stop reading this and get your asses out there. Remember folks, if you can't help the fact that you're going out kicking and screaming, at least go out with style and with a bang. After all, what's the harm in having a little fun before ya kick the bucket right? Fuck it.





Let it be known that this "Fuck It List" is meant to be a parody only. Please only take it as seriously as you take the notion of the world coming to an end on 12/21. And please, when you bareback that trannie hooker, make him/her call you Big John Studd.

Good night and good luck.

Why You Shouldn't Give Two Shits About "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D"

In 1974, writer/director Tobe Hooper crafted a genre classic with the original (and still best) "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". The film was an uncompromising vision of horror, done in a startlingly realistic fashion that made it seem almost like a documentary. It was disturbing and really got under your skin, which is what made it such an effective horror film; so much so that years later we'd get hordes of sequels, remakes, prequels, immitators, comic books, action figures, and a following that continues to stay strong almost FORTY years later, and a slasher/horror icon in Leatherface that remains one of the most frightening horror antagonists in the history of the genre.

Here we are now, going into 2013, and we've got a new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" flick on the way. While the following films (which included two sequels, a quasi-remake with Matthew McConaughey, a straight up shitty remake which made a shit-load of money, and a shittier prequel to said remake) varied on degrees of quality (ranging from "not bad" to "please fucking shoot me in the face"), it nevertheless hasn't stopped the fact that there's a new one coming, in 3D no less too. The real question is, do we really need a new one at all?

No, we really fucking don't thank you very much.

Maybe I'm just getting soft at my old age, but I'm not looking forward to seeing Leatherface chop up teenagers in lush 3D. The whole scenario of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has just gotten old and stale. Yes, we know that Leatherface and his crazy cannibal family are as looney and unpredictable as they come, but you'd think that considering the last good TCM flick was "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" from the mid-80s that film executives would know when to quit. Unlike other slasher franchises like "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Friday the 13th", which are meant to be both fun and scary at the same time, the TCM flicks have always been set apart from them because they're usually relentlessly terrifying with little to no pitch black humor that the aforementioned franchises have in spades. In this new horror world that is filled with all the "Saw" and "Hostel"-type flicks of the world, the only thing that filmmakers could do to continue setting the franchise apart from its bretheren is to up the ante in terms of blood, guts, and relentless nastiness...and I personally just don't give a shit anymore about that kind of stuff because it's nothing TCM hasn't done to death as it is already.

So please, for fuck's sake, let the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" franchise just die. Even if Tobe Hooper himself came back and decided to direct another flick, I wouldn't be all that interested. When I watch a horror movie, and I watch a lot of them mind you, I hope and pray to see something done a little differently compared to what all I've seen already. After you've seen it all for years within this genre, all you can hope and wish for is something new to come along and kick the shit out of you, while being able to get some great enjoyment out of it as well in the process. You're not going to get that out of TCM 3D, and you know that as well as I do without even having to watch it.

Let TCM die already, it's as beaten to shit as the "Halloween" franchise, and when something gets that overdone, it does none of us any good.

Disney Owns Star Wars...and You.

George Lucas sold the rights to everything Star Wars-related to Disney for 4 billion dollars. Let that sink in folks. Disney now owns Star Wars. Know what else Disney owns? Marvel Comics. And you know what else Disney owns? Your fucking soul. Well not really, but they will, because they're fucking Disney.

When news about Lucas' sale hit, at first I was flabbergasted at the fact that Disney now owns so much shit that has meant so much to me since I was a kid that it's becoming harder and harder to fathom at just what else Disney is going to own down the line. Then again, it wasn't the sale itself that brought my piss to a boil, it was the announcement that Disney plans on creating a new trilogy of Star Wars films that pick up where "Return of the Jedi" left off. Scores of nerds across the planet couldn't stop theorizing as to what they would use as a basis to continue the story. Would it be the various novels that are kind of considered canon? Or the "Dark Empire" graphic novels? Or something else entirely original? Who the fuck knows?

Part of me is hopeful at the prospect of new sequels, because it would give a whole new generation of filmmakers and writers a new chance to make Star Wars fresh again without George Lucas' complete input, and after the prequels, I'd be more than happy to see official Star Wars films that he isn't sitting in the director's chair for. On the other hand, the other part of me doesn't give two fucking shits about more Star Wars films. As far as I'm concerned, the real Star Wars trilogy ended in 1983, the prequels don't count; so leave it the fuck alone for Christ's sake.

And then, the nerd comes out in me when I think that not only could Disney characters appear in a Star Wars film, but so could Marvel ones as well. Contemplate the idea that theoretically speaking The Punisher could blow Jar Jar Binks' brains out. Thor could curbstomp Boba Fett. Blob (the X-Men villain) and Jabba the Hutt could fuck each other's brains out. Oh, and Scrooge McDuck gets to watch and throws shit-tons of coins on their fat naked bodies and ups the ante by making them go ass to mouth.

That was foul, I apologize.

Anyway, you all see what I'm getting at here. Disney owning Star Wars just means finding new ways to pimp out the franchise for all its worth, which is saying something considering that Lucas has milked the shit out of it since 1977 onward and turned it into a multi-billion dollar industry. But making new Star Wars films every two to three years? Really? Who's gonna play Luke Skywalker? Mark Hamill is too damn old to continue the series right where it left off, so who the hell are they gonna get, Justin Bieber? While we're at it, why don't we cast Zac Efron as Han Solo and Vanessa Hudgens as Princess Leia, since Harrison Ford hasn't given two shits about Star Wars since the 80s and Carrie Fisher wouldn't dare put on the slave bikini unless we were making a horror movie here. Come to think of it, let's cast Ron Jeremy as Chewie. He doesn't really need the fur costume and his dick can make the Chewie roar. Plus throw Chris Tucker in there as Lando while we're at it, because I'd actually pay good cash to see that shit happen. Oh yeah, wait and see how many of those casting choices actually wind up coming true, somebody's gonna owe me money here.

So before long, expect a whole new wave of Star Wars-related movies, TV shows, animated series, comic books, toys, merchandise, and tons tons more, because if it's one thing Disney can do, it's milk the ever-loving shit out of something for all that it's worth.

May the Force be with you...in your pants.

Paul & Me: A Last Salute.

On Sunday, October 28th 2012 at around 2:50 PM, Paul Covey passed away, surrounded by his family, friends, and loved ones. He held on for as long as he could, battled and battled like he did his whole life, but in the end, it was too much to keep going. I had the honor not only to know him, but to have been there with him during his final moments, and I got to say goodbye to the absolute best friend I've ever had.

I owe a lot to Paul Covey, my life more than anything. I was 20 years old when I met Paul, and funny enough, we did not like each other or get along in the least after first meeting. Yet somehow, someway, Paul and I ended up getting along surprisingly well, considering he was a relatively conservative, chain smoking military man, and I was the 20 year old, booze and drug-loving douche bag that had only recently come to Philadelphia after finally getting out of the hick town I had grown up in.

One thing we immediately got along about was our mutual love for horror films. For most of my teens, I would attempt to discover relatively obscure, unknown, or cult horror films, while others in my age-bracket were sucking down the wave of PG-13 rated tame, Americanized remakes of Japanese flicks that were growing so popular at the time. With Paul, here was this 50-ish year old guy with a mustache that looked like he belonged in the neighborhood I grew up in, but looks were ever so deceiving. That was how we first bonded was with horror flicks: "Evil Dead", "The Thing", "Halloween", and tons more. It wasn't long after that we were drinking buddies, and it went from there.

Over time, I hit some extremely rough patches in my life. I was trying to put myself through college (which took a lot longer than it rightfully should have) while deciding to bury myself in booze, weed, coke, and sluts, because...well, I can't really come up with a logical excuse, but I'm not here to make excuses, other than bouts with drugs, depression, and death. I had my fun, like everyone does, but after a while I was starting to let things spiral out of my control. I had a legitimate good future ahead of me, and I was going to let it go to waste because I couldn't cope with what I couldn't control. Paul snapped me out of that funk almost singlehandedly. During a night of sharing some beers and full glasses of his favorite booze on the planet in Jack Daniels, his exact words to me were "what the fuck are you doing with your life dickhead?" That lead to a long, drunken conversation that I vividly remember sobering up in the middle of, because he pretty much told me in so many words that he would (and could) kick the holy living shit out of me if I didn't straighten up, because I was better than what I was letting myself be known to be.

And he was right.

Fast forward a little over three years later, and I finally did get my shit together. I graduated college (with honors, no bullshit), was finally in a stable(ish) relationship, and actually looked forward to what tomorrow would bring...and just about all of that was because this man, Paul Covey, snapped me out of the spiral of self-destruction I was circling around. He saved my life. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here; I'd either be in jail, or dead. That's no bullshit either; I owe the man my life.

And now he's gone, no longer in pain. This man, who in a lot of ways was the father I never had and should have had, this man who was so proud of his children and how they turned out, this man who loved his grandchildren and was as much of a hero to them as he was to me and even more so. This man who didn't give two shits about what other people thought about him or perceived him, because he played his life by his own rules while still managing to do the right thing all throughout his life.

I love you Paul. This Halloween won't be the same without you, and the world is a worse place without you being in it.

At ease soldier.

10 Things I Want To See On "The Walking Dead" This Season.

The Walking Dead Compendium 1 By Kirkman, Robert/ Moore, Tony (ILT)/ Adlard, Charlie (ILT)/ Rathburn, Cliff (ILT)/ Wooton, Rus (CON) (Google Affiliate Ad)

Tonight is the big night. AMC's "The Walking Dead" returns to TV after what seems like forever. I personally felt last season wasn't nearly as enjoyable as it probably should have been, so I'm hoping that this season picks up mightily. What with new additions to the cast including the beloved Michonne and the debut of one of the greatest villains in recent comic book memory: The Governor. Though I'm fairly certain the impact The Governor has and just how evil a prick he is will be toned down for TV purposes, the fact remains that there is some major shit I want to see happen on this season of the show. So here we are with my Top 10 things I want to see happen on this season of "The Walking Dead". Be warned that possible spoilers are ahead.




10. Rick get his hand cut off.

One of the first scenes of major bloodshed to happen when Rick and The Governor butt heads is Rick getting his hand chopped off. Considering that Merle Dixon is part of The Governor's crew and he's more than likely holding a grudge against Rick for losing his own hand during his escape from Atlanta, I think it's a safe bet to see Rick get some vengeance cast down upon him, one way or another.



9. Michonne puts the sword to work.

Michonne is a beloved character, and rightfully so. Seeing the teases of her already with her sword and zombie companions, I think this is the safest bet of all. Graphic zombie decapitations? Sign me up.



8. Andrea stops being such a twat.

In the comics, Andrea just may be the toughest female protagonist around (next to Michonne, but we've known Andrea for longer). On the show, all she's done is seemingly cause more trouble for everyone involved, and make some plain dumbass decisions. "No Andrea, we don't want you handling a gun because you're not properly trained"..."Ok, train me and I promise I won't shoot anybody"...*proceeds to accidentally shoot Daryl*. Yeah, it looks like Andrea is going to have more of a major part this time around, and that some bad things are going to happen to her in the process. Hopefully this will lead to her becoming more of the tough, take no shit character from the comics we all know and love, and less of the whining twat she is on the show.



7. Carl becomes a badass.

Carl is an annoying kid on the show, that much is certain. He was in the comics too to a certain degree, but over time he became pretty damn badass for a kid, emulating his father Rick almost to a fault. I'd love to see Carl become more like his Dad (we've already seen hints of it) in terms of making hard decisions.



6. Daryl and Carol finally smash.

It's going to happen, one way or another. Just kick back and watch...and be just as confused and amazed as the rest of us.



5. A prison full of walkers...and worse.

Seeing the prison in all its glory is wonderful enough, but the promise of corridors and prison cells loaded with the undead and various other survivors is enough to make your mouth water. Granted I'm not sure if they'll introduce any of the four survivors that were found in the prison in the comics, but being able to see Rick and his crew clean the whole thing out will be awesome in itself.



4. The fallout from killing Shane.

There is a certain sort of fallout to happen from Rick killing Shane. Lori wasn't pleased, and chances are some others won't be either, and chances are no one is going to escape unscathed for what happened to Shane. It may not matter much in terms of storytelling going forward, but Rick's decision to do what he did (and what needed to be done) is going to play into his final words in last season's finale: "this isn't a democracy anymore".



3. The return of Merle Dixon.

He may have never existed in the comics (and neither did his brother) but I'm so fucking looking forward to seeing Merle back with one hand and a fistful of vengeance that it makes me more excited to see him than it does The Governor. That, and the fact that Merle is back gets me excited for what's next as well...



2. The reunion between Merle and Daryl.

Though they've never officially been together in any episode yet, seeing Merle and Daryl get re-united is going to be...well, it's going to be bad. Merle is a piece of shit and missing a hand, Daryl is...well, Daryl is fucking awesome and the most beloved character on the show. When these two get back together, blood will flow, one way or another.



1. Lori finally gets what she deserves.

If you've never read the comics, then I'm going to spoil some major shit for you here. Most of the characters in "The Walking Dead" get slaughtered by The Governor's people in the prison. It was a shocking moment to see, the most shocking of which was seeing Lori, with baby in hand, get mowed down to a bloody pulp. Now let it be said that Lori has come off as little more than a complete cunt on the show. She's managed to play Rick and Shane against each other, used Glenn as an errand boy, virtually ignore her son, and manage to successfully piss off just about everyone else for one thing or another. I would love to see Lori finally get whacked, just because I'm sick and tired of seeing and hearing her just make things worse for everybody involved.



That's all for now folks, I'll be back here in a few months when this season wraps, and hopefully it'll go a lot better than last season too.

Why You Should Support Slutty Halloween Costumes

Ah yes, Halloween. My favorite day of the whole damn year, for a number of various reasons. The horror, the scary movies, the creepy atmosphere, the chill in the air, the candy corn, and last but certainly not least, the ultra-slutty Halloween costumes. What other time of year is it acceptable for women to dress like sluts or whorish versions of various characters? See that picture here? Of course you do. That's supposed to be a slutty version of Indiana Jones. Now let that sentence stick in your head for a minute. A slutty Indiana Jones. And guess what? That's only the tip of the iceberg.

Look all around and you'll find slutty versions of Freddy Kruger, Wolverine, Strawberry Shortcake, and even Spongebob fucking Squarepants. Yes folks, there's various slutty ensembles for a beloved children's cartoon character. Why? Because nothing is sacred folks, nothing at all...

...and that's okay.

If it weren't for slutty Halloween costumes, Halloween would only be fun for kids only, and for fuck's sake, we can't let the little bastards have all the fun now can we?

I've read a dozen or so articles damning slutty Halloween costumes lately, lists of the worst kinds as well as the most non-sensical ones as well, and to those that are damning our beloved trick 'r treating sluts, I say shame on you. It's no different than people damning chicks for how they dress any other time, which usually only happens when people are either jealous because they don't look like that or because they're not balls deep in said chick.

So the overall message I'm trying to get across here is that we should leave the slutty Halloween costumes and wearers of such alone. This is fucking Halloween, it's a time to have fun, be scared, and enjoy everything else that comes along with this awesome time of year. So stop your grinin', drop your linin', eat some candy, and watch a horror flick you prudes; it's fucking Halloween.