Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Trapped in Uwe Boll land



Why do I do this to myself?

Whenever I'm stricken with cases of boredom, I find myself browsing through the massive amount of shitty horror flicks that are offered by Netflix for instant streaming. Flicks that are so shitty, no one should ever see them? Ever hear of a little turd called "The Video Dead"? Or "Tales from the Crapper" (never a more fitting title in all of filmdom)? Of course you haven't, because you have the common sense not to be bothered with such filth. I on the other hand do not, and that is where this guy comes in...

...this guy named Uwe Boll.

Now fans of the horror genre and/or video games know right away who Uwe Boll is. He made a name for himself directing film adaptations of horror and/or shooter video games like "House of the Dead", "Alone in the Dark", "Blood Rayne", "Far Cry", and more besides; all of which (save for one, being the politically biting "Postal", which I find to be a guilty pleasure) are the definition of the term abysmal.

Recently though, Boll has been churning out a new breed of film other than abysmal video game adaptations: the ultra-violent, somehow socially relevant type of film if you will. Films like "Tunnel Rats", "Stoic", "Rampage", "Seed", and most recently "Attack on Darfur"; which presents an ultra-graphic and ultra-chilling portrait of the genocide that has been perpetrated there.

In between the abysmal video game takes and the somewhat socially conscious shockers, Boll has made one film that is downright ridiculous, 2007's "Postal". Based on an unbelievably shitty first person shooter that was more known for its shock value, "Postal" found Boll breaking all kinds of decency rules, whether it meant poking fun at 9/11 terrorists, George Bush (frolicking through a field with Osama Bin Laden), and even himself as he playfully talks of "funding his films with Nazi gold", which many (myself included) have accused him of for years now.

On the horizon, Boll has a slew of films on the way, including a third "Blood Rayne" movie, a superhero spoof called "Bluberella", and another ultra-graphic shocker called "Auschwitz", in which footage put on YouTube was found to be even a little too much for this old gorehound.

What's the point of all this you may ask? Who gives a shit about Uwe Boll? Well, thanks to the Netflix instant streaming I mentioned earlier, I don't have much choice, considering that a good chunk of his films are available to watch (some of which without even being released on DVD yet), and the fact that quite frankly, I never know what to expect from Boll.

A while back Boll made an infamous rant defending himself against his critics, claiming that his films weren't the same kind of boring shit to come from the Michael Bay's and Spielberg's of the world. Ain't that the truth.

Say what you will about him, and I have before myself (I always said that I thought his intention was to out-wood Ed Wood), but the one thing I can say in his defence is that no matter what kind of film he ends up crafting, they are most certainly never boring.

So if you have Netflix and want to watch something different for a change (I can't promise whether or not it'll be your cup of tea or not), I dare you to take a walk down Boll lane...

...whether or not you come back is another story entirely.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Green Lantern Trailer: First Impressions




As a life-long comic book geek who has always had a soft spot for Green Lantern, seeing an epic, big-budget move adaptation is something that I thought I would never, ever see happen. Directed by Martin Campbell (Casino Royale, The Mask of Zorro) and also featuring touches from long-running comic writer Geoff Johns (who practically single-handedly re-established the Green Lantern's place and mythos in the DC universe), this Green Lantern movie appears to have so much going for it...

...on paper at least.

First off, and this is pretty much just me having an epic nerd moment here, but Ryan Reynolds? Seriously? I understand that people love him and he has the steroid/superhero physique, but really? He's playing Hal Jordan, the test pilot who is chosen to be the first human Green Lantern, a job and title that for all intents and purposes is pretty much a space-cop. The Hal Jordan portrayed in the comics for years is one who is a flat-out womanizer and overall badass with absolutely no fear. When I see Ryan Reynolds, I just don't see those qualities. Instead, I see a smirking, one-liner cracking actor that just doesn't come off as being an ultimate kind of badass.

But hey, back in 2007 I thought casting Heath Ledger as the Joker was a bad call, so what do I know really in terms of casting?

Anyway, the rest of the trailer offers quick glimpses at Hal's love interest Carol Ferris played by some chick named Blake Lively, who just comes off as being too young comapred to Reynolds, and in all honesty sounds like she's reading her lines off a cue card. There are also very quick glimpses of the villains Hal will be taking on, including arch-nemesis Sinestro (Mark Strong, aka the mob dude from "Kick-Ass") and the mutating Hector Hammond (Peter Sarsgaard) as well as what I think is Hal's alien ally Kilowog. I'd be lying if I said that these aspects of the film didn't look the least bit promising.

One last thing to mention though: the costume. Now I understand the notion that Hal's costume is powered by the ring, and instead of giving Ryan Reynolds the traditional superhero ready-to-wear costume/suit, motion capture CGI is used instead. In some instances in the trailer, it looks kind of cool, but in others (such as Hal powering up in front of his pal) it looks ridiculously fake and lame.

All I know is that come June 17th 2011, there will be a Green Lantern movie, and we'll all know whether or not it's good, or if it's pure shit...and in the long run we'll know if DC-related films can rival what Marvel has done with their films and properties over the past couple years.

Friday, November 12, 2010

How to tell if you're a tool: the Facebook edition

A while back I listed all the things that can possibly make one a tool in their everyday life. Since then I've noticed a number of things on Facebook that have led me to believe that one's actions on the immensely popular social networking site can make one a tool as well...a Facebook tool of you will.

After all the feedback (and subsequent friend deletions, my heart weeps like an oozing herpe sore) I received the last time around, I'm dying to find out what I can this time around.

Just remember one thing, if you fall under a couple or so of what I'm listing here, you're not necessarily a tool, you just have tool tendencies (I'm guilty as well). And oh yeah, try not to take it too seriously, 'cause if you do, you're just as massive a tool as a tool could possibly be.

And now...suck it folks!

HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE A TOOL: THE FACEBOOK EDITION

You're a Facebook tool if:



You like your own statuses

You detail that you're out for the night and say "text it!"

You finish a status with "ftw" or "for the win". Clearly, there are no apparent winners anywhere in sight except all your Facebook friends who laugh at you when you do this.

If you're relationship status is "It's Complicated", which really translates to being, "my occasional fuck buddy has other fuck buddies".

If you're a chick and your relationship status is "in an open relationship". This is just a classier way of saying "I'm a whore, pay attention to me, I may fuck you".

If you're a guy and your relationship status is "in an open relationship". You're a douche, she's a slut; must work out great!

If your status is "In a relationship", but for some reason it states that you're "interested in dating and/or a relationship".

If your profile picture is you flexing. We get it, you work out, stop being a show-off, there's a weight bench that hasn't had the chance to be bathed in your stanky sweat yet.

If you post videos of yourself doing "Jackass" style shit and actually think that it's funny (guilty).

If you have a shit ton of people listed as your siblings when they clearly aren't (slightly guilty).

If every single status of yours is song lyrics.

If you have over 1,000 friends. Really?

If your need to post your political opinions goes from opinion to downright idiocy (can be difficult to tell one from the other at times).

If you keep talking about how awesome your iPhone is.

If you say "Go Eagles". The correct term I believe is, "fuck the Eagles!". I could be wrong, but I'm probably not.

If you have no children of your own, but repeatedly post pictures of yourself posing with a child (relative or friend's kid). Clearly you don't have a child of your own for a reason, and the rest of the world is thankful for that.



That's it for now folks! I understand that I may have come off as being a little mean here, but please don't take it that way. Or totally take it that way if you want to, I'll be sure to be around to hear any feedback...fuckers.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

THE WALKING DEAD

It doesn't seem like it was all that long ago that Robert Kirkman shocked and thrilled the comic book industry with the biggest hit comic to come from Image Comics since "Spawn" in the early 90s.

I'm talking about "The Walking Dead". The zombie apocalypse comic that never ends...and what has become the basis for the new show that premiered to staggering ratings Halloween night on AMC.

Developed for television by Kirkman and Frank Darabont (who brought Stephen King tales "The Shawshank Redemption", "The Green Mile", and "The Mist" to the screen) among others, "The Walking Dead" is by and far the most chilling horror show to hit the airwaves in quite some time.

That being said, I don't want to sound like all I'm doing here is advertising the show. It isn't without its flaws, as some die hard fans of the comic (myself included) have noted that these zombies aren't quite the dumb walkers that we'd have expected. They've been made all the more terrifying for TV purposes (at least they're not running a la the "Dawn of the Dead" remake) and it works well for now...but with only two episodes in to a six episode first season, the anticipation for the next episode is killing me, even though I've been an avid reader of the comic and already know what's going to happen next pretty much.

If you haven't seen "The Walking Dead" yet, you are doing yourself a great disservice. The pilot episode is free to watch on various websites (albeit it is edited and toned down from what premiered on AMC) so there's no excuse why you're not watching it right this goddamned second.

...and I just heard through the grapevine: the show's been renewed for another season with 13 episodes.



Yes I just came in my pants.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Cannibal Holocaust: The Myth, The Legend, The Dog Turd...

During this lovely October month, after compiling lists of my favorite underrated and essential horror films alike, I noticed that some feedback I had gotten involved a nasty little exploitation film that is the absolute definition of a "cult" film, just because of all the controversy it has garnered from the day it was filmed.

The film I'm talking about is "Cannibal Holocaust".

I was a teenager when I first about this film, which was first brought to my attention by Pantera and Down vocalist Phil Anselmo who frequently referenced it on Pantera's DVD as well as some lyrics when he was with Viking Crown. I became interested and immediately scoured the internet, which in 2000 wasn't nearly as massive and information filled as it is today, and managed to find some information out about it that really drew my interest...

Banned in 50 countries

So controversial that its director was sent to prison

The most violent and disgusting horror film ever conceived

And so on and so forth. My interest was quite peaked, and only a couple years later did I finally manage to track down an uncut VHS tape of the 1980 film that I had to have imported over here. And like that, I watched it...and the end results weren't pretty. When I say that however, I'm talking about the film itself...looking back on it now, it's dreadfully overrated.

Storyline wise, the plot revolves around an American anthropologist who travels to the South American jungle after a documentary film crew had disappeared. He recovers a reel of their footage, and soon learns the truth that this crew terrorized, tortured, raped, and murdered the cannibal natives in an effort to stage and sensationalize their documentary film...but never got the chance to because they all get what they deserve.

For starters, the reason that it has been banned in so many countries (many of which have lifted said ban) is not because of its violent content, but for the fact that it actually contains footage of animal cruelty and animal killing. A turtle, monkey, snake, and more so are all slaughtered before the camera, only because director Ruggero Deodato and his film crew were so deep in the amazon jungle without restrictions that he felt he could do just about anything he wanted. Deodato had desired to direct a cannibal film that satired the lengths the media goes to in presenting violent content to its audience, and wound up helping create the legend that goes along with his ultra-violent vision.

Upon the film's first cut and viewing, Deodato found himself arrested and charged with making a snuff movie. The deaths that take place in "Cannibal Holocaust" were so realistic that people thought Deodato actually had these people murdered. That in itself only adds to the "I have to see this for myself" factor of this film. In the end, Deodato would be cleared after presenting all of the actors as still alive, and even staged some effects shots and stunts to prove that it was all in fact fake.

With all that being said, on to the film itself. For the most part, after getting through Deodato's somewhat heavyhanded (though he denies it) approach to pointing the finger at the media, he doesn't make things easy to watch. The film is brutal and unforgiving in its content of murder, cannibalism, rape, and overall just plain cruelty. Even now at 26 and as cynical a gorehound as I've become, I have a hard time watching this thing all the way through. It isn't so much the gore that gets to me, it's just the nihlistic and cruel tone. It's practically pure sadism, which is the one thing I detest about all the torture horror flicks of today like the "Saw" series, and as much as I love horror and gore and all that nasty stuff, sadism just isn't my thing. Plus the acting and dubbing are occasionally atrocious, and Deodato's film technique is just...well...not very talented. Plus, seeing animals get slaughtered? Never more thankful for a fast-forward button in all my life. Needless to say, "Cannibal Holocaust" isn't just a horror film you can have fun with a couple beers to, but it does have its own philosophy to it, which is much more than nearly any horror film around today can offer.

Though "Cannibal Holocaust" may not have the household name of many other films of its ilk despite its somewhat nigh-legendary status, its effect on horror films today can still be seen. The whole handheld camera-POV-style of horror made popular by "The Blair Witch Project"? Thank "Cannibal Holocaust" for that. Without it, we wouldn't have "Blair Witch", or "Cloverfield", or "Diary of the Dead", or even my beloved "The Last Broadcast". This was the movie that set the stage for all of that and more, including all the generic torture flicks that are all the rage today as well.

So with October coming to a close, I fucking dare you to watch "Cannibal Holocaust" if you can get your mitts on it. A couple years back it finally made its way to uncut DVD form, and can still be found online. Watch it if you dare...



Happy Halloween!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Halloween Movies: The Essentials

In the wake of compiling all 50 of the Best Horror Movies You’ve Never Seen, and with Halloween fast approaching, one may wonder just what are the essential horror movies to watch on the nights leading up to the best holiday in all of existence. Well here is a small collection of ten flicks (in no particular order I might add) that are absolutely essential for Halloween viewing, whether it’s to prepare you for Halloween night, or to watch on Halloween night. Either way, you’re welcome:



HALLOWEEN (1978)
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, PJ Soles

You knew this was going to be on here. John Carpenter’s legendary slasher masterpiece is THE film to watch for Halloween, as it not only spawned a whole series of lesser sequels and shitty remakes, but practically created the slasher genre as a whole. To this day “Halloween” is perfect, and in no other sequel to follow has Michael Myers ever been as frightening as he is in this first film. Though light on the gore and explicit on-screen violence, “Halloween” still manages to send chills to the bone, and that my friends is what has helped make this film so timeless and enjoyable.



NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968)
Director: George Romero
Starring: Duane Jones, Judith O’Dea, Karl Hardman

You knew this was going to be on here too. George Romero’s legendary black & white shocker was made all the more timeless thanks to its subtle yet cutting social commentary, which this film is as memorable for as it is for introducing viewers to the flesh-eating zombies that trap and terrify a handful of survivors in a Pittsburgh farmhouse. Though Romero’s follow up “Dawn of the Dead” is a better film in my opinion, “Night of the Living Dead” is definitely the more scarier of the two, and to this day that little zombie girl still freaks me out. What’s also worth noting here is that this film actually received a GOOD REMAKE in the early 90s, helmed by Romero’s longtime makeup effects partner Tom Savini.



A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (1984)
Director: Wes Craven
Starring: Robert Englund, Heather Langenkamp, Johnny Depp

The first, original, and best of all the “Elm Street” flicks, “A Nightmare on Elm Street” was a massive hit when first released, launched the career of Johnny Depp, took indie studio New Line Cinema to massive heights, and took director Wes Craven to a more sophisticated level of creativity. Most importantly however, was that it also introduced us to Freddy Kruger, the evil child murderer who takes his revenge on those who killed him by stalking and slaughtering their children in their dreams. Featuring groundbreaking camerawork and makeup effects, the original “A Nightmare on Elm Street” still scares to this day, and remains one of Craven’s absolute best efforts to date.



HELLRAISER (1987)
Director: Clive Barker
Starring: Andrew Robinson, Claire Higgins, Ashley Laurence

Adapting his own novella “The Hellbound Heart”, Clive Barker’s “Hellraiser” usually gets the label of being a slasher, though it is anything but. When the wicked Frank attempts to open the Lamont Configuration Puzzle Box, he unleashes a trio of sado-masochistic demons that promptly rip him apart. However, he begins to slowly come back to life when his half-brother and family move into his home after his alleged disappearance, leading up to a brutal showdown. Demented and oh so graphic, the original “Hellraiser” spawned a ton of lame sequels, and also introduced us to the iconic villain Pinhead, who appears here for two whole scenes (and isn’t even referred to as Pinhead in the credits). No matter what reputation “Hellraiser” may have, consider it essential viewing.




AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON (1981)
Director: John Landis
Starring: David Naughton, Jenny Agutter, Griffin Dunne

Quite possibly the best werewolf movie in existence, “An American Werewolf in London” is so perfect that no other werewolf film to come out after it (save for maybe the original “Howling”) can even come close to touching it. Featuring revolutionary effects work from Rick Baker, “An American Werewolf in London” has it all: pitch black gallows humor, a surprise ending, and so many shock moments that you won’t believe what you’re seeing. It may not have aged all that well, but this is one horror film that I myself will watch any time.



THE THING (1982)
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith David, Wilford Brimley

One of the few times a remake is better than the original, John Carpenter’s “The Thing” is an underrated horror classic. Opening the same weekend as “E.T.” (and subsequently bombing), Carpenter’s remake of “The Thing From Another World” is a downbeat and nihilistic tale of an arctic expedition team who discovers the existence of a terrifying alien life-form that can mimic and imitate anything it assimilates. One part cat & mouse game, one part guess who the alien is, John Carpenter’s “The Thing” is a cult classic for sure, and features some of the most graphic (and gross) revolutionary effects work in horror history. And speaking of aliens…



ALIEN (1979)
Director: Ridley Scott
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Tom Skerritt, John Hurt

Ridley Scott’s terrifying and claustrophobic space opus that launched a huge sci-fi/horror franchise and introduced us to one of the most badass female characters in all of film history, the original “Alien” is a masterpiece of “what’s hiding around the corner?” terror. It’s that anticipation of seeing the murderous alien creature, followed by bloody payoff, which still makes “Alien” so goddamned good to this day.



THE EXORCIST (1973)
Director: William Friedkin
Starring: Max Von Sydow, Ellen Burstyn, Linda Blair

An Oscar winning horror favorite, the original “The Exorcist” remains possibly THE most frightening film ever conceived. No matter what one’s opinion on horror movies is in general, they’ve seen “The Exorcist” regardless, it’s just that universal. I myself can’t even say anything about this film that hasn’t been said plenty of other times before me, and will be said plenty of times long after I’ve left this mortal coil. “Your mother sucks cocks in hell”…brilliant.



FRIDAY THE 13TH (1980)
Director: Sean S. Cunningham
Starring: Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King, Kevin Bacon

Though it isn’t a great movie per se, the original “Friday the 13th” is essential Halloween viewing regardless. A slasher that rips off John Carpenter’s “Halloween” as well as truly introduced us to the notion that if you smoke weed or have sex, you are guaranteed to die in a horrible and painful way. The film also introduces us to Jason Voorhees, though it’s before he dons the iconic hockey mask or even kills anyone. Oh yeah, this is worth seeing just to see a then unknown Kevin Bacon die one of the most creative and iconic ways in slasher movie history.



THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE (1974)
Director: Tobe Hooper
Starring: Marilyn Burns, Edwin Neal, Gunnar Hansen

Incorrectly remembered as being a gorefest (usually by people who’ve never seen it), the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” is a documentary-ish look at an insane cannibal family that is for all intents and purposes relatively bloodless. Most of the violence that occurs in the film is implied, which shockingly makes it all the more frightening. That, and lead actress Marilyn Burns has one of the most piercing screams in all of horror history, which in itself makes this film hard to watch to this day. Still though, the original and best film in the whole damn series.



Well there we are folks, ten films to scare the shit out of you for Halloween if (for some reason) you've never seen them before. And if you have, watch them again to help celebrate Halloween in style...



...or I'll swallow your soul!

What do you think I should have included and/ or omitted? Discuss!!!

Sunday, October 17, 2010

The 50 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen: Conclusion

Here we are folks with the final installment of The 50 Best Horror Movies You've Never Seen. These are the final ten films that I actually had a somewhat difficult time organizing into what you see below, the top one of which some may have a difficult time wondering why it was placed so high. Granted that none of these films are without flaws, but as I stated before, these are the horror films that get swept under the rug and deserve your time and attention. So strap yourselves in bitches, it's a celebration.



10. MAY (2002)
Director: Lucky McKee
Starring: Angela Bettis, Anna Faris, Jeremy Sisto

A somewhat slow-moving psychological horror/drama in which a lonely young woman with a traumatic childhood and past makes some desperate and awkward attempts to connect with people, whether it be her lesbian co-worker who more and more aggressively makes passes at her, or the handsome stranger who has caught her eye. “May” is a strange hybrid of a horror film that details the title character’s gradual descent into madness, but instead of painting a picture of a psychotic person, “May” instead presents a sympathetic take. Combined with a quite creepy, yet strangely touching, conclusion, “May” is something that stands out on its own, and is all the more unique for it.



9. [REC] (2007)
Director: Juame Balaguero/Paco Plaza
Starring: Manuela Velasco, Ferran Terraza, Carlos Vicente

Remade over here as “Quarantine”, “[REC]” is a Spanish handheld camera-horror thriller that was a hit overseas (and spawned a recent sequel). A TV reporter and her cameraman become unknowing victims while covering the overnight shift at a local firehouse when the place receives a call about an old woman trapped in her apartment building. Upon their arrival, they discover that something is very, very wrong, and everyone soon becomes trapped in the building when quarantine is issued. If you’ve seen “Quarantine”, seeing “[REC]” won’t really do much for you in terms of showing you things you haven’t seen before, considering “Quarantine” was nearly a shot-for-shot Americanized remake. Still, “[REC]” is scarier and more suspenseful (and let’s face it, just better filmed with much better talent involved) that the remake could have ever hoped to have been. With that being said, check this out if you’ve never seen “Quarantine”.



8. PHANTASM (1979)
Director: Don Coscarelli
Starring: Angus Scrimm, Reggie Bannister, Michael Baldwin

The “Phantasm” series has always been a unique horror series, just for the fact that it is so existential in its storytelling in between all the scenes of bloodletting and shock-scares. The first film is an underrated classic, in which two brothers discover that the local funeral director (dubbed “The Tall Man”) is hardly anything what he seems to be. This leads them and their ice cream truck driving friend to discover some horrible secrets, and a fate worse than death. Writer/director/creator Don Coscarelli has always been short on explanation when it comes to what’s really going on in the “Phantasm” films (all four of them), but the fact that he leaves so much open to interpretation is something that I myself have always admired about the series. And oh yeah, “Phantasm” has balls…literally.



7. TRICK ‘R TREAT (2007)
Director: Michael Dougherty
Starring: Dylan Baker, Anna Paquin, Brian Cox

Produced by Bryan Singer and directed by his “X-Men 2” and “Superman Returns” partner Michael Dougherty, “Trick ‘r Treat” is a gleefully fun, “Tales From the Crypt” style horror anthology. All the stories featured here happen one Halloween night in a small town that takes the holiday very, very seriously. Among them are a school principal whose extracurricular activities include instilling the true traditions of Halloween in the kids of the local neighborhood…with bloody results. Also featured are a few kids looking to play a prank and end up getting more than they bargained for, a virgin girl searching for that special someone (and this segment features the absolute best twist…well, maybe ever), and a mean old man with a dark secret who finds himself in for one hell of a night. Originally slated for theatrical release in 2007 and instead pulled from Warner Bros.’ release schedule, only to sit on the shelf for two years before finally getting released straight to DVD last year, “Trick ‘r Treat” is such a blast that you will not regret checking it out, I guarantee it.



6. VERSUS (2000)
Director: Ryuhei Kitamura
Starring: Tak Sakaguchi, Hideo Sakaki, Chieko Misaka

In modern-day Japan, an escaped convict, a mysterious woman, and a group of blood-thirsty yakuza gang members have all found themselves in The Forest of Resurrection, which is a direct portal to the other side. Those who were once killed there start to come back, and before you know it, a bloody massacre ensues. Sure, “Versus” is incredibly convoluted and hard to understand or even grasp, but the film is so bold in its storytelling and action sequences that it’s just plain mesmerizing to watch. Plus, the fact that there is a ridiculous amount of blood splattered shocks to be seen, and the dynamite twist ending will leave your jaw on the floor.



5. LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008)
Director: Tomas Alfredson
Starring: Kare Hedebrant, Lina Leandersson, Per Ragnar

Another modern foreign horror classic that was recently re-made (“Let Me In”), “Let the Right One In” is one of the most unique vampire films you’ll ever see. Young Oskar is constantly bullied and neglected, yet manages to find a special relationship with the recently arrived girl Eli, who just so happens to be a vampire. Oskar is both horrified and exhilarated by Eli’s presence, even as things all around them gradually go from bad to worse, and it isn’t long before Eli’s bloodlust garners the attention of others and she herself becomes a target. Based on the Swedish novel, “Let the Right One In” is a brilliantly somber piece of work that takes the tried and true vampire lore and mythology and manages to manipulate it to the point where it still manages to feel fresh. That along with the fact that there are plenty of downright chilling, haunting, and surprisingly touching moments to behold as well. Fuck “Let Me In”.



4. THE MIST (2007)
Director: Frank Darabont
Starring: Thomas Jane, Marcia Gay Harden, Laurie Holden

At its core, “The Mist” is a glorified B-movie. That however doesn’t stop this adaptation of the Stephen King tale from being one of the most underrated fright stories you’ve never laid your eyes on. When a mysterious mist descends on a sleepy town, those who become trapped in a local grocery store not only end up fighting for their lives against the creatures outside, but from each other as well as a religious extremist takes it upon herself to decide that this is “God’s work”. Other than the old school chills, “The Mist” also offers up some inventive camerawork, genuinely surprising moments, an A-list cast, and a shocker ending that you’ll never see coming. Dumped into theaters as a small release, “The Mist” has since found a cult following on DVD since its release, particularly the Special Edition which features a black & white version of the film, which surprisingly makes it all the scarier and even more firmly rooted in its B-movie glory.



3. FROM BEYOND (1986)
Director: Stuart Gordon
Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Barbara Crampton, Ken Foree

Based on a tale from H.P. Lovecraft, “From Beyond” is a lost classic of sorts, from “Re-Animator” director Stuart Gordon (and it even boasts about half the cast from that classic as well). Two scientists have created a device that can stimulate the human being sixth sense, but in the process have opened up a door to a deadly universe. When one is seemingly killed, the surviving one, along with a shrink and a cop, return to the house where the experiment was conducted, and discover that things have grown ever so out of control. Featuring some stomach churning makeup effects work, “From Beyond” has risen in cult status since its release on DVD a couple years back, and remains the best of Gordon’s adaptations of Lovecraft material other than “Re-Animator”.



2. HARDWARE (1990)
Director: Richard Stanley
Starring: Dylan McDermott, Stacey Travis, John Lynch

Before he directed the aforementioned on this list “Dust Devil”, Richard Stanley achieved genre-fame with “Hardware”. Taking place in a post-apocalyptic world, a soldier returning home to his metal sculptor girlfriend brings home a robot head which he found on the way back. What neither of them know however is that the robot is the prototype model of the M.A.R.K. 13, a vicious killer bot capable of rebuilding itself, and its only priority is to kill and destroy. For a low budget sci-fi/horror dirge, “Hardware” still looks surprisingly sophisticated to this day. From the psychedelic and introspective moments to the blood-curdling finale, “Hardware” remains a beloved cult classic to this day, finally seeing the light of day on DVD earlier this year after being stuck in production company-dissolution hell. Along with the industrial/punk soundtrack and cameos from Iggy Pop and Lemmy from Motorhead, what’s not to love? “No Flesh Shall Be Spared…”



1. NEAR DARK (1987)
Director: Kathryn Bigelow
Starring: Adrian Pasdar, Lance Henriksen, Bill Paxton

Before she became uber-famous for marrying James Cameron and winning an Oscar for “The Hurt Locker”, Kathryn Bigelow directed this blend of horror and the western…and it remains not only one of the best vampire films ever made, but THE BEST horror film you’ve never seen. When Caleb falls in with a crew of murderous vampires, he tries to fight the growing bloodlust within him, even though his new abilities thrill him like never before. His father travels after him in an attempt to save him, culminating in a fiery showdown. Comparisons to “The Lost Boys” are numerous (in fact, it opened around the same time, but bombed in theaters), with the only real differences being is that there is nothing lighthearted at all to be found with “Near Dark”. Typical vampire conventions get thrown out the window as well; in fact, the word “vampire” is never mentioned once. Instead of typical vampire film conventions, “Near Dark” is a brutal yet startlingly poetic horror film that, while not for all tastes, has made a surprising mark on everything vampire today. From “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” to “True Blood”, various creators have drawn upon and cited “Near Dark” as being a key inspiration, and to this day it remains a dreadfully underrated classic. There has been recent talk of a modern-day remake, but in these days of “Twilight”-mania and crazy amounts of remakes, I can’t fucking imagine seeing a film so near and dear to my heart being remade by Hollywood for mass consumption by the movie going masses.



...and there you have it! The final ten of the Top 50 Horror Movies You've Never Seen. Feel free to share your thoughts in agreement and disagreement, or even provide your own feedback as to what I should have included.

Happy muthafuckin' Halloween!