The LA Kings Win the Cup...Hell Freezes Over

Oh hockey, how I love you. The most unlikely Stanley Cup champion in quite some time, the Los Angeles Kings had so much going against them that it’s a wonder they got as far as they did in the playoffs, let alone be the team to hoist the Cup. They barely got in the playoffs to begin with, and then they did the impossible: they went on a 16-4 tare, knocking out the three best teams in the Western Conference (and the NHL as a whole) before taking out the New Jersey Devils in 6 games. Yes folks, it’s unbelievable. What makes it unbelievable you ask? Well, let’s look at what they overcame to take it all the way:

The Kings stumbled out of the gate in the beginning of the season, leading them to fire their coach (and Flyers alumnus) Terry Murray, replacing him with Daryl Sutter midway through the year. They continued to stumble, barely squeaking into the post-season and struggling under Sutter’s defense-first system. But Jesus Christ almighty, they did it. Sutter, who was last seen in the NHL as the GM that mismanaged the Calgary Flames into oblivion, did the impossible.

In the off-season, they acquired Mike Richards, and at the trade deadline, acquired his drinking buddy/wingman Jeff Carter; both of whom had been exiled from the Flyers for their hard-partying ways. They also signed former Flyer Simon Gagne, who is a shell of his former self after numerous injuries. Not to mention the fact that they had Dustin Penner: a player that had been persecuted for his lack of game-shape-ness and the fact he hurt himself eating pancakes (I’m dead serious). Yet somehow, they came together to win it all.

For everything the Kings had going against them, they managed to win their first championship in their 45 year history. Something they couldn’t do when they had Wayne Gretzky, Luc Robitaille, Rob Blake, or Jarri Kurri. They did it with a coach and players that were seen as massive underachievers. They grinded it out against a tough Devils team, and rode the back of lights-out goaltender (and former Reading Royals product) Jonathan Quick. They were the lowest-seeded team in the NHL playoffs, and they managed to pull it all off with dominance. This folks is why I love hockey and why I love the NHL: anything can happen, even the impossible.

Okay, now with all that out of the way, here’s a list of Flyers alumni that were part of this Kings team that won it all: Richards, Carter, Gagne, Justin Williams, assistant coach John Stevens, GM Dean Lombardi, and assistant GM (and Flyers goaltender great) Ron Hextall. Yeah, these guys were called Flyers West for a reason.

Also, let’s start taking the over/under now for Richards and/or Carter dying from alcohol poisoning within the next couple days.

Green Lantern is Gay...Oh the Humanity!

Hard to believe it’s been just about a year now since DC Comics rebooted their entire universe (for the most part) as part of The New 52 initiative. To celebrate the fact that they’ve stuck with it for a year, we’re seeing more titles and old characters getting rebooted slowly but surely, case in point, the Green Lantern known as Alan Scott…who is being reinterpreted as being a homosexual. Now before I go any further, let’s lay down some history, because if you’re like the public at large, you have no idea who the fuck Alan Scott is, so strap yourselves in folks, here we go:

Created during the “Golden Age” of comics in 1940, Alan Scott was the first character to bear the name “Green Lantern”, before the title would be rebooted 2 decades later as an intergalactic police force starring a guy named Hal Jordan. He lived on Earth 2 as an original member of the Justice Society (alongside the original Flash Jay Garrick, Hawkman, Wildcat, and others) before all the parallel earths got combined together in 1985’s landmark “Crisis on Infinite Earths”, where Scott remained unchanged, and the only person calling himself Green Lantern that wasn’t a member of the same Corps as Hal and the rest of the crew. Alan also had a green-skinned daughter named Jade, and a shadow-powered son named Obsidian, who himself was gay.

With the reboot the DC Universe has gone through, Alan Scott’s plate has been wiped clean. Jade and Obsidian, like other famous DC characters like Donna Troy and Wally “The Flash” West, just no longer exist. Writer James Robinson has decided to reboot Scott as being a homosexual, and for some reason people are having a shit-fit about it. I don’t understand why, because it seems the same people having a majority of the hissyfits about Scott being a gay superhero had no idea who Alan Scott was beforehand. What’s funny is that around the same time DC announced what they were doing with Scott (which had long been rumored that DC was taking an iconic character and rebooting him as being gay), Marvel was having gay X-Men member Northstar get married to his long time lover. Seems like it was a rough month of two for die-hard conservative comic book readers eh?

Anyway, as a long time DC Comics reader myself, I will admit that I was genuinely surprised seeing Alan Scott getting rebooted as a homosexual. As someone who had been written as such a driven and beloved father figure to his teammates, seeing him get rebooted as a suave, debonair, homosexual is going to make for interesting reading. Does it bother me that he’s now gay in this new DC Universe? No, not really, because he’s a fictional fucking character, that’s why. Now seriously, get the hell over it.

See y’all in the funnybooks.




Oh, and for the record, my money was on Shazam being the character to get rebooted as being gay. I lost.

The Zombie Apocalypse is Coming...Maybe

Saturday in Miami marked an event that is shaking to say the least. Police discovered a naked man eating the face of another man, and shot him repeatedly until he finally went down after taking a shot to the head. Let me just break this all down for you one last time to make sure you all get the big picture.

He. Ate. His. Face.

Hannibal Lecter in Miami? Maybe so, but according to reports, the perpetrator was under the influence of “bath salts”, which apparently is the codename of some new form of LSD. Before I go any further, let me say that I myself have done my share of LSD…and I for one have never felt the need to FUCKING EAT SOMEONE. Granted I spent an hour or so talking to trees one night, but that’s a story for another day.

Anyway, whatever this guy was on, it leads me to ponder one important thing: how close are we to the zombie apocalypse? It’s not every day that you’re strolling along and see someone eating a fellow human being. Nor is it particularly normal to shoot said cannibal and HE JUST KEEPS FUCKING EATING the boor bastard, but here we are. Yes folks, these “bath salts” the guy was allegedly on are nothing more than a media smokescreen to hide from us, the American people, that the zombie apocalypse is at hand.

Over the next few weeks, expect to hear similar stories across the country (and perhaps world) as people will be attacked on the streets and eaten alive, followed by our good friends hanging out in cemeteries rising from the grave. I’m fucking serious. Not to mention the fact that the supposed end of the world is right around the corner…coincidence? I think fucking not.

Be prepared everyone, the end is near…



…okay not really, but this is some pretty wild shit isn’t it?

Say no to drugs kids. One minute you’re having a blast, and next thing you know, you’re buck ass naked in public eating your best friend’s face.



Bollocks.

THE AVENGERS Review!

WARNING! SPOILERS AHEAD, READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!



The wait is finally over, and “The Avengers” has been unleashed upon the masses to record-setting box-office returns. After finally getting around to seeing it, I can safely say that it’s undoubtedly one of the best comic book/superhero movies of all time, and certainly the best “team” movie of all time to boot. That being said, it isn’t without its flaws in the least, so let’s go diving in head first and see what it’s all about here.

First off, getting Joss Whedon to write and direct “The Avengers” was a stroke of genius. His time writing the “Astonishing X-Men” comic series was the best handling the X-Men had gotten in ages, and makes me yearn for a Whedon-directed X-Men film so much it hurts my balls just thinking about it. He manages to juggle a roster of iconic and lesser-known characters without a majority of them feeling short-changed (except for Hawkeye, but mostly because he spends the first chunk of the movie possessed by Loki) and just seeing Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor all together on the big screen makes me feel like I’m 8 years old all over again.

The casting of the film is a mixed bag. I know we’ve seen all these guys already beforehand, but seeing them come together here really displays the flaws here in terms of the cast, namely Scarlett Johanssen as Black Widow. She doesn’t come off as that strong badass chick here like she did in “Iron Man 2”. Granted that she has her share of badass moments (namely the interrogation with Loki) but by the time the final battle comes around, both she and Hawkeye just seem like they were shoehorned into the massive battle. If anything, I’d love to see her get replaced (and Black Widow as a whole actually) in future installments, namely by Ms. Marvel, because if it’s one thing this team needs, it’s a powerhouse superheroine.

As for the rest of the crew, the more I see of Chris Evans, the more convinced I am that he’s the perfect choice for Captain America. His new costume, not so much. It looks like he’s got a condom head, but hey, at least he doesn’t look too ridiculous (see the early 90s movie with the rubber fucking ears). Personally I loved his WWII garb from his movie last summer, maybe another variation of that would have been better suited, but hey, that’s just me. Robert Downey Jr and Chris Hemsworth as Iron Man and Thor respectively are great, but Mark Ruffalo surprisingly steals the show as Bruce Banner, and holy mother of fucking shit, the Hulk moments are so great that I nearly had an orgasm watching them unfold on the big screen.

As for the film itself, it was a wonderfully realized ultra-epic comic book adventure. One thing I noticed is a decent amount of backlash from comic book fans about stuff they consider “wrong” with it, but I’m not going to bother picking it apart. I could if I really wanted to, but god-fucking-damnit, I’m not going to. Why? Because it delivered the goods in terms of what I wanted to see: an ultra-epic presentation of Marvel’s greatest superheroes teaming up and going on a full-scale Earthbound-battle ground. I didn’t go as gaga over it as so many others have, but I thoroughly enjoyed it for what it is, and that’s all that really matters.

In terms of the eventual sequel, well, I’m looking more forward to that happening than I was to this film believe it or not. Seeing Thanos at the end of the film snickering to The Other makes me swoon and hope for a full-blown intergalactic Avengers film that takes the grand scale of this film and makes it look like a low-budget D-movie. Make it happen for fuck’s sake Marvel! I haven’t read a Marvel comic and not been disappointed in quite a few years, but goddamnit, Marvel’s films since Iron Man (namely the main Marvel movies, the other ones owned by different movie studios like “Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance” and “X-Men: First Class” don’t count) haven’t let me down, so I’m holding faith for them until I’m proven wrong.

It goes without saying that if you haven’t seen “The Avengers” yet (and I think there’s only like five people on the planet that haven’t) you definitely should. It’s the best Marvel superhero movie yet, and one of the most enjoyable superhero movies of all time thus far. Go see it goddamnit, you’ll be glad that you did.



Oh yeah, seeing how well “The Avengers” turned out makes me wish DC and Warner Bros. would get their shit together and follow the Marvel trend of releasing superhero movies to lead up to a Justice League flick. Instead, we get excellent Batman movies, an abysmal Superman flick (“Superman Returns”) that’s so bad it gets rebooted (next year’s “Man of Steel”) and a Green Lantern adaptation that makes my asshole pucker just thinking about it. Come on guys, get your shit together for Christ’s sake.

Gays Should Get Married...and the Real Reasons Why Those That Are Against Gay Marriage Are Really Against It

Oh my dear sweet God, gays want to get married? Where the hell do these heathens get off wanting to have the same rights as everyone else? Jesus Christ they’re almost as bad as those people that aren’t white. Next thing you know they’ll wanna vote too…

Now, you probably know not to take any of what I just said seriously in the least right? Anyway, one thing that boggled my mind lately is the wave of bigotries to come out in the media and politics lately, whether it’s one form or another of bashing against women, blacks, non-Christians, and most of all it seems, gays. North Carolina decided to do what we all figured they would do and ban gay marriage, as well as put the collective dick in the ass of anyone else they don’t recognize as being fit enough to get hitched in their lovely ass-backwards state where the only life forms that should be getting cornholed are the local farm sheep and Bubba Ray’s cousin.

Anyway, the very next damn day President Barack Obama himself stunned everyone it seems (really?) by going on national television and declaring that gays should have the right to get married goddamnit. Now I know that Obama is pretty much only declaring this now because it won’t be too long until we’ll all have to cast our votes again, and his opposition is the typical brand of Republican bigot (plus he’s an alleged bully and animal abuser, so the people of North Carolina should love him), so it’s not like Obama didn’t already have their votes, but I digress.

The point I’m trying to make here is that homosexuals DESERVE to be able to get married. The fact that gays getting hitched aren’t recognized in every state across the country is a fucking travesty. Why am I getting on my soapbox in support of gay marriage you ask? Because let’s be honest, gay married couples have as much right to be as miserable as heterosexual married couples. The fact that we don’t let them in on the non-fun of marriage isn’t just a slap in the face to homosexuals, but a slap in the face to heterosexuals, because goddamnit, misery loves company.

Once again, I wind up being ridiculous on a serious subject. Anyway, the major argument that we hear from people opposed to gay marriage is that “marriage is a sacred institution”. Let’s get one thing out in the open right now folks, there is no such thing as marriage being sacred, especially here in America. If marriage were so sacred, the divorce rate wouldn’t be way over 50%, which it has been for quite some time, and it isn’t going to substantially go down any time soon either. Not to mention the fact that as America, we are the land of reality TV. We have shows like “The Bachelor”, “The Bachelorette”, “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire”, and plenty more besides. TV shows based in “reality” (that really aren’t) that take something as “sacred” as marriage between a man and a woman and turn it into entertainment for idiots. Does that still make it sacred? Really? No, I don’t fucking think so folks.

The whole idea of marriage between a man and a woman only and that it’s sacred, where do we get it from? The same book full of bad ideas that we’ve taken so many ideas and laws from before: the good ‘ol Bible. Now I’m not going to knock anyone’s faith here, as everyone has the right to believe in whatever the hell they want to, but one thing that people need and should have realized a long time ago that the Bible more than anything is a basic guide on how people should live, i.e. people and civilization back during the time it was written, not in the modern day.

Too many have taken the words of the Bible far too literally, using them and misconstruing them to their own devices and personal gains. Where has it gotten us as a society? Its split us up and made groups of people hate each other because they believe in different things. The majority of those that follow the Bible in a literal sense often cite that it’s said that, and I’m paraphrasing here, “man should not lay with another man” or something to that effect, automatically meaning that homosexuality is wrong and anyone practicing it should be killed automatically, that is if you take the story of Sodom & Gomorrah in the most literal of senses as well. Why is this however? Because back then, no one understood homosexuality and thought it an anomaly, but look back through history and you’ll see that it’s as much a constant as human beings are. Not to mention the fact that homosexuality is recorded in animal wildlife as well. In other words, it’s as natural as heterosexuality, and these close-minded people refuse to accept it because they refuse to see it as being anything other than wrong.

Also, one last thing about the Bible to throw around, consider this when one takes everything from it in such a literal sense. The Old Testament God was a vengeful, almost evil prick of a god that exerted His omnipotence to the point that it seemed He enjoyed making those who worshipped him suffer. Anyone that went against His words was up shit creek without a paddle and went without forgiveness. The God presented in the New Testament is much more forgiving, and makes it known that you can fuck up and be a scumbucket, but goddamnit; you have to feel guilty about it. When the Old Testament was originally written, humanity as a whole were practically baboons in terms of how they lived. They needed a structural guidance to live by and needed to be kept in some sort of check because they weren’t civilized at all. By the time the New Testament was conjured up, people had changed and weren’t as bat-shit insane as they’d been when the Old Testament was first written, and decided that that shit was just way too strict to keep going by. So, they came up with the New Testament, and decided “Let’s go have some fun, but pretend we feel bad about it afterwards to keep everything straight, okay guys? Great, let’s go nail these whores while our wives cook back home.”

So you see, taking it all in such a literal sense gets you FUCKING NOWHERE, so stop citing religious texts as a way to hide your own prejudice and fear of homosexuality. They’re people just like you and me, and if they want to get married then goddamnit, they should be allowed to. In the long run, I honestly do believe that within the next decade or so, we’ll be ashamed of ourselves as we look back at the fact that this was ever such a big issue in the first fucking place.



We now return you to your regularly scheduled dick & fart jokes.

The Five Heroes We Want in the Next "Avengers" Films

With the American release of “The Avengers” just about here, we all know that there are going to be inevitable sequels. With a roster featuring Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Hulk, Black Widow, Hawkeye, and Nick Fury; comic fans far and wide know that the history of the Avengers is littered with a whole shit-ton of past and present team members. For the inevitable sequels, new characters are definitely bound to be introduced to the movie-going public, so let’s take a look at just who should be introduced in the next installments of the feature film adaptations of Marvel’s superhero all-star squad. I've narrowed my choices down to five characters (and that was actually surprisingly tough) so strap yourselves in here fellow nerds.

NOTE: Two of the obvious choices here would definitely be the Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver, but considering that they’re Magneto’s kids in the Marvel universe, and Fox still owns the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related, who knows if they’d even be able to be featured in an Avengers movie, so I’m leaving them off of this list.

Here we go:



ANT-MAN

Yes, the name itself may make you giggle, but consider this: when Stan Lee and co. first introduced the Avengers way back when, Ant-Man was one of the founding members. The alter-ego of brilliant scientist Hank Pym, Ant-Man can shrink himself to microscopic levels, and uses a super-duper helmet to control ants. Over the years, Hank changed his identity to codenames like Giant Man, Goliath, and Yellowjacket, while also becoming able to make himself grow in size to ridiculously gigantic levels. Hank’s been written to be a bit of an asshole over the years, so having him on the team would make for a bit of a different dynamic. “Shaun of the Dead” director Edgar Wright has been involved with an “Ant-Man” feature film for a while, but the damn thing has never gotten off the ground. With the popularity of Marvel heroes soaring through the roof like never before, now would never be a better time to get that flick off the ground and use it as a tie-in for another Avengers movie.



WASP

What would an Avengers team with Ant-Man be without having the Wasp as well? Hank’s occasional wife Janet features the same sort of powers that he does, but she also manages to use “stinger”-like projectiles as well. Like Hank, Janet has frequently been portrayed as a bit of a twat, but considering how volatile a relationship she and Hank have had over the years, who could blame her? Still, like Hank, she’s a founding member of the Avengers, and deserves to be there every bit as much as Hank.



MS. MARVEL

Occasionally known as Warbird (and even Captain Marvel), Carol Danvers is as badass as they come in terms of superheroines. Super strong, invulnerable, fast, she can fly, and she takes no shit…she’s the exact kind of super powered female that belongs with the Avengers and deserves to have a cinematic counterpart to display all of what I just mentioned. Make it happen folks.



LUKE CAGE

Revitalized over the past decade from a bit of a joke of a superhero into a take-no-prisoners team leader, Luke Cage deserves to be in the next Avengers flick. He has unbreakable skin and brawls with the best of them, and over the years in the comics, he’s become a leader for the team as well. Director John Singleton has been attached to make a solo Cage film over the past few years, but nothing has developed and it appears the project probably won’t happen anytime soon, if at all. In those regards, why the fuck not include him in the next Avengers flick? Come on now, we want it!



THE VISION

An android that can change the density of his body, Vision has been an Avenger for so damned long that not having him in the film is kind of a crime. Originally created by the villainous robot Ultron (who himself was an aborted creation of Hank Pym), Vision joined the Avengers and fought back. Including Vision in upcoming films opens up including Ultron as a future supervillain, which ultimately becomes a massive win-win for all of us.



That’s all for now folks, now stop reading and go check out “The Avengers” for fuck’s sake.

Why We Don't Need Any More "X-Men" Movies

Marvel has a number of popular characters, some of which outshine others like Spider-Man, Iron Man, Captain America, Hulk, Thor, the Fantastic Four, and more besides. However, there’s one group of Marvel characters that often get thrown into their own mix of stories and continuities outside the rest of the Marvel universe more often than not…

…and I’m talking about Marvel’s merry Mutant cashcow known as the X-Men.

Numerous cartoon adaptations, toys, novelties, and plenty more; the X-Men have been ingrained in our brains as being the premiere supergroup with an ever-growing cast of characters and teams. With all that popularity comes the X-Men feature films, beginning in 2000 with “X-Men”, and continuing in 2003 with “X2: X-Men United”, which remains not only the best X-Men film yet, but one of the best superhero movies ever made. After that, things kind of got a little shitty…2006’s “X-Men: The Last Stand” was unbelievably bad, and 2009’s “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” didn’t fare much better.

2011 saw the release of “X-Men: First Class”, which detailed the origins of Professor X and Magneto and just how they came on opposing sides. When images and press of the film were first released to the public, many laughed their asses off at how ridiculous it looked and expected something absolutely abysmal, but then something strange happened: the movie really didn’t suck so much. Granted I thought it sucked, but not as horrible as I had guessed it would be. Many others threw undeserved heaping amounts of praise upon the film, but honestly only because they went into it with expectations so low that they were wowed when it wasn’t that much of a steaming pile of dogshit. It made money, so naturally, there’s going to be more X-Men films on the horizon…which leads me to my point…

…we don’t need any more fucking X-Men movies.

A Wolverine sequel is on the way, and they’re about to start filming a direct sequel to “First Class” relatively soon as well. Why? Because people love the X-Men and are willing to lay down their cash to see X-Men movies no matter how fucking shitty they end up being. And Hollywood executives, i.e. Fox (who own the film rights for anything and everything X-Men-related) know this all too well, and will continue to pump out one X-Men flick after another after another.

Being a comic book geek, the one thing I notice about the X-Men flicks is how screenwriters consistently throw in all different brands of X-Men characters (heroes and villains alike) into the plot and use the most basic of an outline of some comic storyline from the past and then try to stir it all together. In “X2”, it worked out magnificently, but since then, every X-Men flick has just been one big fucking mess. Will these upcoming X-Men movies be any different? Probably not…actually, it will be more than likely that they’ll suck just as bad.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more X-Men movies. I’m at the point that I don’t want any more X-Men movies even if they wind up being good. One thing that attracted me to the X-Men as a kid was that these characters were misunderstood, hated, and reviled by everyone. I related to Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Gambit, Nightcrawler, and the rest of the crew unlike any other comic book character before or after, and the films after the second installment for the most part have never, ever been able to really re-create that feeling of persecuted Mutants protecting a world that hates and fears them.

So please, for the love of fuck, don’t make any more shitty X-Men flicks. We don’t need them, we never really have, and seeing baby-faced, pretty boy actors playing mutant heroes and villains just doesn’t feel right. Oh yeah, and Hugh Jackman ain’t gettin’ any younger either folks.