Saturday, October 22, 2011

Green Lantern Shit-Fest Review



So I finally got around to seeing “Green Lantern” since I missed it when it was in theaters…

…and I really wish I didn’t.

Despite all the critical disdain that this big budget, big screen adaptation of the DC Comics character had gotten, my overall reaction is that it isn’t nearly as bad as so many have said it is (in all honesty, I found it way better than say, “X-Men: First Class”, which I still feel only received positive reviews because it wasn’t the shit-fest that so many had anticipated it to be), but what really pissed me off to no extent was the fuck-stickery that happened with the character and the source material in general.

Hal Jordan, played here by a miscast Ryan Reynolds (who I was never that fond of in the first fucking place), is a fearful pilot in this movie. Yes folks, Hal Jordan is a bit of a sissy. Anyone who has read their share of Green Lantern comics with Hal as the main character knows that if it’s one thing Hal isn’t, it’s fearful. That’s the whole point of being a Green Lantern, is having NO fear. I understand how this is changed here for the film’s script to tell an origin story and make Hal look like an underdog, but for fuck’s sake did they have to make so pussified here?

As far as the mythology goes, it was hit and miss. Having Tomar explain the ideas of willpower and the history of the Guardians was cool and relatively faithful, but the fact that there is so little included of Oa, the other Lanterns, and that there is little to no explanation or reasoning of Sinestro’s intentions, that most of the story comes off as being plain old fucking retarded. Oh yeah, and Hector Hammond annoyed the living fucking shit out of me too, and the alterations to the story of Parallax make me want to shit myself in frustration.

All those flaws aside, what I did enjoy about the film was the designs of alien Lanterns Sinestro, Abin Sur, Kilowog, and Tomar; while Oa looked spectacular and the ring-powered constructs designs and effects were really cool to see animated in live-action. The action scenes themselves were mostly well-done, but there’s just this emptiness about the film as a whole that just makes the whole thing come off as being little more than a missed opportunity.

It’s a shame too, because out of all of DC’s characters that aren’t Batman, the Green Lantern mythos is not only the most interesting, but it features one of the most well-crafted characters and heroes in Hal Jordan. Like I said before though, most of this nerd-rage of mine is coming from the fact that I’m a diehard Green Lantern fan, and seeing a mega-budget adaptation of my beloved GL has always been a dream of mine to see. It’s just such a shame that the end result is such a mammoth disappointment.

But hey, it’s still better than any X-Men film since 2003, or “Superman Returns”, so I guess there’s that.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

100th Blog Spectacular! And it's about my dick!

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Thursday, October 6, 2011

Uncensored "The Ooze" Review for Sega-16



Do you remember "The Ooze"? It was a surprisingly good Genesis game released pretty late in the life of the console, but it garnered a bit of a cult following due to the game's originality and punishing difficulty. You should check it out if you want a fun exercise in pulling your fucking hair out. Here's the uncensored review of the game I wrote for Sega-16:



THE OOZE (1995)

Published by Sega
Developed by Sega Technical Institute

Ah yes, Sega Technical Institute. At one time probably the best development team within Sega (along with Sonic Team naturally), Sega Technical Institute was responsible for awesome Genesis games like Kid Chameleon and Comix Zone, while varying members of the team also had their hands in games like Sonic Spinball and Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine. They were also behind The Ooze, an inventive and surprisingly original action/puzzle game that was released in the waning days of the Genesis’ lifecycle.

The story of The Ooze goes something like this: Dr. Caine is a scientist that discovers his employers are going to release the toxic gases he himself created on the population, in an effort to get filthy rich since they hold the cure (i.e., they’re practically the American government). Upon being discovered, Caine is seemingly killed by said toxic waste, only to be reborn as a moving, functioning puddle of puke green slime (yes, you read that right). Now he’s on a mission to get revenge on his former employers, as well as try to find a way to bring himself back to his human form in the process. He’s not Swamp Thing, he’s THE OOZE THING MOTHERFUCKERS!

You control Caine as this sentient puddle of green slime and traverse some dangerous areas and solve some puzzles. You can attack enemies by either stretching a slimy limb to attack, or spit little slime pellets which decreases your size. The size of your Caine-puddle also depletes as you get hit or otherwise take damage, which will happen quite a bit on your journey. Yes folks, The Ooze is one challenging game to be sure. In all the years I’ve played this game off and on, I have only ever beaten it once, and I didn’t get the good ending either. And once again, yes folks, there is a good ending, and a bad ending to this game. To get the good ending you must collect all 50 strands of DNA sprinkled throughout the game’s stages if you have any hope of being returned to your normal self. I didn’t get that ending because I just didn’t pay enough attention to what all was going on around me. That’s the key to getting far in this game, you have to pay attention to everything going on around you, and if you don’t, you may as well just pop the cartridge out because you’re not going to get very far. Environmental hazards pop up aplenty, from falling off the edge of a ledge or getting sucked down a drain, you must constantly be aware of your surroundings, this game is no joke, and can be frustrating as fuck to boot.

Graphically speaking The Ooze looks good. A number of late in life Genesis games featured some great graphics that surprised many, ranging from Comix Zone, The Lost World, and more besides. The Ooze is one of these games as well, offering colorful characters and sharply defined environments throughout. The game also features some great music and sound effects as well, which was really a staple of the games that came out of Sega Technical Institute at the time. In fact, a lot of what The Ooze has to offer are staples of what made Sega Technical Institute such a beloved inner-division of Sega at the time. Games that featured quality graphics and even more quality gameplay that kept gamers coming back again and again. It was because of games like The Ooze and the aforementioned Comix Zone and other Sega Technical Institute gems that helped extend the life of the Genesis probably longer than it should have gone on for.

While The Ooze isn’t quite a classic of the Genesis/Mega Drive library, it is one of those not-so-well-known little gems that can be found if you look hard enough. The game is easily found enough on eBay and other places online to warrant checking it out for yourself, which you should wholeheartedly do. Keep in mind however that this is one challenging, and occasionally frustrating, game that really does deliver the goods in terms of what we all look for in classic 16-bit Genesis gaming. It’s a shame that Sega Technical Institute as we all knew it didn’t stick together for too long as the years after the release of The Ooze crept along (I for one would have loved a sequel), but this game alone is just a sample of the impact that they had not only on the Genesis, but on Sega’s legacy as a whole.

8/10

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The 5 Best Horror Movie Remakes Ever



Ah yes, it’s that time of year again…it’s fucking Halloween time folks! And what does Halloween time mean exactly? Horror movies folks, and if you know me well at all, you know no one loves this time of year and everything included with it more than me. One thing I don’t necessarily like about horror flicks in general however, is that we have horror movies remakes. Just closing my eyes and letting my mind drift, I see flickers of the ridiculously shitty remakes of classic (and even not so classic) horror remakes to have been unleashed upon us in the past decade or so. “The Wickerman” (“NOT THE BEES!!!”), “The Fog”, “A Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”, Rob Zombie’s abortion that was “Halloween 2”, and so on and so forth. However, every now and then, we get a horror remake that isn’t only surprisingly good, but in some cases even outdoes the original it was based upon. So I’ve listed my top five of the best horror movie remakes to have seen the light of day. You may not agree necessarily, but regardless, these are the best horror remakes available that you could ever hope to see. And here…we…go!



THE THING (1982)
Director: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Keith David, Wilford Brimley

Remade from the classic “The Thing From Another World” and owing more to the story that that film was based upon (“Who Goes There”), John Carpenter’s “The Thing” featured masterful suspense, genuine shocks, and legendary effects makeup that not only still holds up today, but helped revolutionize the makeup special effects world in the process. A group of researchers in Antarctica comes across a crash-landed alien that can assimilate and duplicate other life forms it comes into contact with, resulting in a gore-fest of suspense and the crew playing an increasingly desperate game of cat and mouse trying to figure out who’s human and who isn’t. Everything about “The Thing” is nearly pitch perfect, from the superb acting to the grim and nihilistic conclusion, this remains one of my all time favorite films of any genre, and in my opinion Carpenter’s best film ever. There’s an upcoming remake of this remake (you read that right) that supposedly serves as a prequel, and features a young cast with CGI effects aplenty. I can already guarantee how THAT flick will turn out. No matter what though, you must see “The Thing”, it’s a horror classic.



THE FLY (1986)
Director: David Cronenberg
Starring: Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis, John Getz

Remade from the Vincent Price classic, David Cronenberg’s “The Fly” is a gory tale of science gone mad. Jeff Goldblum stars as a brilliant scientist that accidentally crosses his genes with that of a fly during a teleportation experiment, and what results is a nightmarish examination of “The Metamorphosis”, with hefty amounts of blood and guts tossed in for good measure. At the heart of the film however is a surprisingly deep and even more surprisingly emotional examination of human nature and subtle metaphors for disease and the transformation one goes through during a relationship; topics that you very rarely see taken on in any remake, 99% of which are done as quick cash-ins. A box-office hit and Oscar winner for makeup special effects, “The Fly” spawned a relatively lame sequel a few years later, but apparently David Cronenberg himself has scripted a purposed sequel to this film that he claims will probably never see the light of day. If said sequel would even only be half as good as this film, it would be a crime were it to never be completed.



NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1990)
Director: Tom Savini
Starring: Tony Todd, Patricia Tallman, Tom Towles

George Romero produced this remake to his legendary shocker, which was directed by legendary makeup effects guru Tom Savini, and unlike most remakes that change things around in the script for the sake of changing things around, this remake doesn’t come off as being the worse for it. This take on “Night of the Living Dead” transforms Barbara from a terrified, screaming shell of a woman into a tough, hard-nosed survivor as she and a group of others board themselves up in an old farmhouse as ravenous zombies surround them. For what it lacks in gore, the “Night of the Living Dead” remake offers some great acting and inventive takes on the classic shocking scenes of the original. Some fans actually consider this remake better than the original, and while I myself am not in that camp, I can see why they may feel that way. You’ll rarely find a remake as good as this one.



LET ME IN (2010)
Director: Matt Reeves
Starring: Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, Richard Jenkins

An Americanized remake of the modern classic “Let the Right One In”; “Let Me In” is an unexpected treat. When news of the remake first broke, I had a shit-fit and was adamant in the fact that it would be pure and absolute shit and never measure up to the original. Well, I was completely wrong in every regard. “Let Me In” tells the story of a bullied, neglected young boy that learns the girl that just moved in is actually a vampire, and the two develop a bond as everything around them starts to go completely to shit. While “Let Me In” doesn’t quite have the same amount of heart and soul as the beloved original film, it still manages to stand on its own and pay wonderful homage to the original while keeping its spirit and message intact.



THE BLOB (1988)
Director: Chuck Russell
Starring: Kevin Dillon, Shawnee Smith, Jeffrey DeMunn

There are plenty of people that didn’t like this film for whatever reasons, but I personally love this remake of “The Blob”. Dated as hell but loaded with some eye-popping effects and deliberately tongue-in-cheek moments, I even prefer this remake over the Steve McQueen-starring classic original in some regards. Mostly because it’s just a fun, over-the-top gorefest that takes no prisoners and makes no apologies for what it is, and that’s the kind of filmmaking you’ve just got to appreciate. Plus, it has Kevin Dillon with a mullet, and that chick from all the “Saw” flicks as a cheerleader; what’s not to love?



HONORABLE MENTIONS:

“And Soon the Darkness”
“Cape Fear”
“Cat People”
“The Crazies”
“Dawn of the Dead”
“Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark”
“Funny Games”
“The Hills Have Eyes”
“Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1978)
“Piranha 3-D” (fuck you I dug it)
“The Wolfman”

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Uncensored "NFL 98" Review for Sega-16



Football.

Personally, I'm not that much of a fan. I've just never really been able to get into the sport, just because to me it's just plain fucking boring. Being an avid hockey fan, I've heard from tons of people that my beloved sport is too boring as well, but how in the hell can such a fast-paced game be considered boring compared to fucking football? Maybe it's just me, but a sport where you're flying up and down the ice slapping at a puck while beating the shit out of the guy trying to knock you over sounds a lot more fun to watch than a sport where you line up over and over again for a couple seconds of guys grabbing and falling all over each other to grab what's basically a dead pig and run with it.

Okay, that was a big rant that came out of nowhere. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I wrote a review of the surprisingly good "NFL 98" for Sega-16, so here's the uncensored review for your reading pleasure...and I think I need a zanax...enjoy!



NFL 98
Published by Sega
Developed by FarSight Studios

Ah yes, it’s that time of year. The time of year when guys across the nation get their recliners, easy chairs, and couches set up to watch good old fashioned NFL football, plus set up their fantasy leagues and even fire up the latest edition of the Madden franchise for good measure (also known as “tools”). When it comes to football video games, Madden has pretty much always been the first football video game franchise to come to mind whether they’re a fan of the sport or not, and for good reason considering the Madden franchise has been around seemingly forever. Back in the day though, before Electronic Arts scooped up exclusivity rights to make games featuring the NFL and its players (and actually have to put out good games to stay competitive in the marketplace, instead of shoveling out the same goddamn game year after year with little minor changes and tweaks), EA had some competition, and one of their best competitors was none other than Sega, who released their own NFL games for a long time, going all the way to having Joe “I fucked your mother” Montana as a spokesman to eventually just using the NFL moniker.

Since the early days of the Genesis, there was football. From the original Joe Montana-brand that would evolve into various Sports Talk-branded installments, to the more commonly-titled NFL 95 and Prime Time NFL Football, Sega always seemed to have their collective heads in the football arena. The franchise would skip a year with NFL 97 hitting the Saturn, with this last hurrah being a swan song of sorts. Yes, NFL 98 marked the end of an era in many ways. NFL 98 wasn’t just the last official football game to be released for Sega’s aging 16-bit juggernaut; it was also one of (and I think maybe the) last North American games to get released for the Genesis period. EA had already released their last football hurrah for the Genesis with Madden NFL 98, and it wasn’t long before Sega followed suit. Despite the long running Sega brand of football that had become a staple of the Genesis, NFL 98 really doesn’t do anything new or truly different at all than any of its predecessors, but what really shocks the shit out of me personally here is that isn’t necessarily a bad thing here either.

One of the things that always made Sega’s football games so accessible to me was the ease of being able to pick up the controller, fire up the cartridge, and just have fun on the field. You didn’t need to be a football expert or necessarily know what a Nickel play is or the pros and cons of lining up your offense in the Shotgun formation. Yes, there is a little bit of a learning curve for those who don’t know all that much about what all goes into playing on the grid-iron, but the accessibility of a number of games in the franchise don’t really hamper the overall gameplay and enjoyment out of Sega’s NFL games. NFL 98 follows the same kind blueprint, almost to a tee.

The football plays themselves come off as being a bit smoother than in the previous iterations of NFL 95 and Prime Time, with throwing the ball, running it, and running defensive plays just feeling simpler to do and pull off. Granted playing 16-bit football isn’t necessarily fucking rocket science, but with NFL 98 it just feels like this just feels plain right to put it bluntly. With the Sports Talk games themselves, I always felt like something was missing from them, and while the previously mentioned installments of the series improved on what had been lacking, NFL 98 feels the most authentic and complete of the whole bunch.

Graphically speaking, there isn’t anything in NFL 98 you haven’t already seen plenty of times before. The graphics engine by this time was really starting to show its age, but it still manages to work for what it is without coming off as archaic. Sound effects are pretty much the same recycled crowd cheers, grunts, and hits that have been around forever in the franchise, which isn’t such a bad thing really as it all still sounds relatively good. Game modes are typical including the Exhibition, Playoffs, etc., all of which was pretty much standard at this point when it comes to the football video game world.

All things considered, for every little thing in NFL 98 that we’ve seen and played over and over again before, this is probably the best iteration of the franchise to hit the Genesis. Holding a place in 16-bit history as one of the final American Genesis games to hit the legendary console makes NFL 98 worth checking out alone, but once you get past the aged aesthetics and recycled presentation, you’ll find yourself with a surprisingly deep football game that you’ll keep coming back to for a while. You can find it pretty cheap on eBay, and there are even groups of people all over the internet that have made numerous mods to the game to include updated players and teams. That in itself serves as proof that one way or another, Sega football left as much a lasting impression on gamers all over the country as EA’s Madden games leave on gamers and jock wanna-be’s wallets.

7/10

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Uncensored "NHL 98" Review for Sega-16



In case you haven't noticed by now, I fucking love hockey. Everything about it, to actually strapping the skates on and making an ass out of myself, to popping in a good old hockey video game and playing as the video game versions of NHL players. "NHL 98" marked the end of an era, as it was the last 16-bit hockey videogame ever, and surprisingly one of the best. Here's the uncensored and unedited review of the game I wrote for Sega-16, so check it out!



NHL 98 (1997)

Published by Electronic Arts/T*HQ
Developed by High Score Entertainment

One thing that I noticed growing up owning a Sega Genesis was that for some reason, fighting and sports games generally always wound up being better on Sega’s console than they were on their 16-bit rival, the Super Nintendo. Hence my love for EA’s NHL series, which seemed to always deliver the goods in terms of 16-bit hockey action, even if the different yearly variations of the game didn’t appear to offer many differences from one another. NHL 98 is no different, as it helped send the Genesis off to the video game console afterlife by being the last hockey-themed video game to ever hit the system.

As I’ve already said, on the surface it appears that not much has changed cosmetically in terms of this edition of the series, and you’d be right to think so too. However, one thing that NHL 98 includes is a full-season mode, something that hadn’t been included before on previous games in the NHL series thus far for the Genesis. While playing throughout a whole 82 game season followed by the playoffs is the most standard mode of gameplay in hockey video games (or sports video games in general for that matter) today, seeing it unfold here back then was a 16 fucking bit revelation of sorts.

Other game modes include typical features like Exhibition, Playoff series, and a Penalty Shootout mode in addition to the Regular Season, plus NHL 98 also features the first appearance of the Carolina Hurricanes, who had relocated from being the Hartford Whalers of years past. Also included here are international teams which are spectacularly fun to play around with, albeit they aren’t the player rosters that were featured in the 1998 Winter Olympics in Nagano since Midway managed to swipe the video game rights before EA could even attempt to. Despite that though, the international teams are a nice little bonus regardless, even if we’re relegated to having to use Darren “who the fuck am I” Turcotte as the starting Center of Team USA.

Graphically nothing has really changed from previous releases in the series, but there are other changes and improvements made here that really help make NHL 98 so good. There’s “on-the-fly” style coaching tactics during gameplay which was a whole new feature at the time, and really enhances the overall gameplay mechanics instead of the usual “shoot, pass, hit” style that gamers had grown so accustomed to by this installment of the franchise. This also involves a bit of a change-up with the game’s control scheme, which includes the removal of the usual “double-tap” that was necessary to perform certain actions in past installments. All of this adds up to being the fastest and most refined installment of the NHL series on the Genesis, which is kind of fitting considering that this was the last hurrah of Genesis hockey.

The game’s overall presentation has been slightly improved as well, offering a fairly decent representation of a television-based broadcast. Various player and game stats are provided during stoppages in play, rounding out the overall package. The commentating has seen a bit of an upgrade as well this time around, and there’s even some all-new dialogue to boot. Even the arena crowd seems to have gotten a bit of an upgrade in terms of exuberance; with louder and more frequent cheers and jeers to go along with the typical crowd chants and rhythms of yelling “defense” and clapping along with the arena music.

Also debuting around the same time on higher-powered consoles the Playstation and the Genesis successor the Sega Saturn, NHL 98 was sort of seen as an afterthought by Electronic Arts for releasing on the Genesis and its 16-bit rival, the Super Nintendo. So much so as an afterthought that EA decided to employ THQ with the task of distribution rights for both systems, as well as doing the same with the 16-bit 98 editions of Madden and NBA Live as well. Personally, I always kind of found it ironic that the hockey coda on the Genesis would be one of the very best sports games to grace the console. NHL 94 will always be my favorite installment of the series (and to this day the best video game take on hockey ever in my humble drunken opinion), just based on the fact that it was the very first hockey video game I ever played and truly fell in love with, but make no mistake that NHL 98 ranks a very, very close second.

As mentioned before, the graphical drawbacks of NHL 98 fail to detract from the overall superb experience to be found here. Even though it was released in the final days of the Genesis’ lifecycle, this installment managed to take what had already been done so well, and only improve on it. What’s really disappointing though is how few people know about this overlooked gem of a 16-bit sports video game. Newer, fancier, more powerful consoles were out and making an impact on the video game industry, so it really isn’t any surprise that the Genesis edition of NHL 98 got lost in the mix, but the good news is that the game can be fairly easily found to this day, usually with a cheap price tag. That in itself only sweetens the overall deal, especially if you’re a hockey loving Genesis enthusiast, and if you are, NHL 98 deserves to be in your collection.

9/10

Monday, September 12, 2011

George Lucas Gives "Star Wars" Fans the Finger...again



What’s there to say about “Star Wars” that hasn’t been said a billion times already. Whether you’re a die-hard fan of the franchise, casual viewer, or aren’t even a fan of the films and everything involved therein, you at least know a bit about the “Star Wars” saga. That’s because it’s become so ingrained in our culture and held near and dear by so many people that it’s practically become two steps away from being a fucking religion.

Oh yeah, the whole “Star Wars” saga is also being released on Blu-Ray for the first time ever…and creator George Lucas is making more changes and updates to his cash-cow in the process.

Fucking hell.

Now the fact that Lucas is making changes to the films themselves is little surprise, he’s been doing it for years. Way before the stink of his prequel films was ever smelt by anyone, Lucas already toyed around with the original film by altering the title of the opening scroll from simply saying “Star Wars” to “Episode IV: A New Hope”, along with famously altering the scene with Han Solo and Greedo by making Greedo shoot at Han first before Han blows his alien ass away. Over the years Lucas would release the original trilogy in “special editions” that would add new digital effects that he always wanted to do, but was limited by the technology of his time when the original films were first made.

When the original trilogy would hit DVD for the first time, Lucas made even more changes to the films. Most famously being replacing the actor playing the deceased Anakin “Darth Vader” Skywalker with a shot of actor Hayden Christensen in the closing moments of “Return of the Jedi”. We all figured that maybe this would be the end of Lucas tinkering with the finished products…but alas, we were wrong.

Among the new alterations to the original films are Vader ridiculously shouting “Nooooooo!!!!” when tossing the Emperor overboard in “Jedi”, Ewoks having moving eye-lids, Obi-Wan making a different sound to distract the Tuskan sand-raiders in the first film, extra rocks around R2-D2 (seriously), and Jabba the Hutt having a massive front door…yeah…what the fuck? Even the prequel films aren’t safe either, with Lucas removing the puppet-controlled Yoda from “Phantom Menace” and replacing him with an all-CGI take on the character, which is what he would opt for in the following two sequels…but still, why George, why?

It’s bad enough that Lucas has made so many alterations to the original films, but why the fuck must he keep on doing it for fuck’s sake? His reasoning is that these are “his” films, which undoubtedly they are, he created them and created a whole new franchise that has been cherished for decades now, but why must he keep on fucking tinkering with something so many hold so near and dear? With creating something to beloved, these films have become the publics to an extent. We love them, we love the mythology they spawned, and all the pop-culture resonations that popped up in the wake of them being released. In other words, stop fucking with our shit George.

When the films were first released on DVD, fans clamored the same sentiments that I am, with many begging for the chance that we’d get to see the original, unaltered cuts of the films we love so much. Lucas granted our wishes, more or less, by releasing them all separately in Letterbox format DVD’s that looked and sounded like they were recorded or burned from old VHS tapes. Yes folks, no matter what, George just keeps putting the dick to us, and he seemingly always will in one shape or form or another.

I’m not a die-hard “Star Wars” fan in the least, but I adore the original trilogy and hold them in an incredible high regard. All I can really say to the real die-hard “Star Wars” fans is to give Lucas the finger by not laying down the cash for the upcoming Blu-Ray releases of the “Star Wars” saga. Maybe if he sees how low the sales are for these altered takes on the films, he’ll take a fucking hint and really give his fans what they truly want. Then again…this is George Lucas we’re talking about, and he’s probably too damn busy counting all his money to really give a shit about what his fans want in the first fucking place.