Wednesday, February 6, 2013

A Love Letter and Goodbye to "Hellblazer"


You all know me pretty well it seems, i.e. you know I'm a comic book geek. Though the medium mostly revolves around people in tights punching the shit out of each other, there's one comics line in general that re-affirmed my faith in the medium back in the days of me being a super cynical teenage know-it-all: Vertigo Comics. Vertigo is the mature-themed adult line of comics that is a part of DC Comics as a whole. Over the decades, there have been numerous titles, mini-series', and ongoing series' that have become nothing short of legendary. Just look at these titles for fuck's sake: "Sandman", "Saga of the Swamp Thing", "V For Vendetta", "Preacher", "Y: The Last Man", "A History of Violence", "Orbiter", "Transmetropolitan", "Lucifer", "Deadenders", "100 Bullets", "Scalped", "DMZ", and many many more. But there was one title in particular that drew me to Vertigo. One title in particular that drew me into dark comics in general and was the stepping stone for me getting into the aforementioned titles.

"Hellblazer".

Now what the fuck is "Hellblazer" you may be asking yourself? Well, it's Vertigo's longest ongoing title. It mostly revolves around the horrific adventures of John Constantine. Wait, now you're thinking to yourself "John Constantine? The John Constantine from the movie 'Constantine' that starred everyone's favorite wooden actor extraordinaire Keanu Reeves?" And yes, you're kind of right about that. However, unlike how he was portrayed in that piece of garbage 2005 adaptation, John Constantine is a blonde, British, chain-smoking, master of black magic and super street smart con-man. He was created by Alan Moore (!) during his seminal run on "Saga of the Swamp Thing", and eventually got his own title in the late 80s with "Hellblazer". It was writer Jamie Delano that really molded John's backstory, history, and supporting cast as he took the original reigns on the title, followed by celebrated and brilliant runs by Garth Ennis (which made him famous and led him to create the brilliant "Preacher"), Paul Jenkins, Warren Ellis, Brian Azzarello, Mike Carey, Denise Mina, and currently Peter Milligan among others. Even industry legends like Neil Gaiman and Grant Morrison have dabbled on the title before to boot.

The stories of "Hellblazer" weren't quite what the shitty "Constantine" movie made them out to be. John Constantine is not a demon hunter that is constantly at odds with Satan. In fact, John Constantine is a bit of a prick. There have been numerous occasions where he's put the lives of his friends and loved ones at risk strategically just so he can get the upper hand (most of the time). And while John has had a couple run-in's with Satan and various demonic forces, John's biggest enemies usually wind up being those in the use of black magic that are using it for wrong purposes. That, and there's a laundry list of people that John has managed to piss off over the years (he ages in real time).

Now, you may be wondering why I'm having a "Hellblazer" themed wankfest here, and that's because towards the end of this month, the 300th, and final, issue of "Hellblazer" will be hitting the stands, marking John Constantine's last hurrah as part of the Vertigo line. Why is this happening? Well, because ever since DC launched the "New 52" over a year ago, they re-introduced a younger and less foul-mouthed John Constantine into the mainstream DC universe. That, combined with the fact that it feels like Vertigo is getting squeezed to death by its parent company (leading to the departure of Karen Berger, the longtime editorial leader at Vertigo that helped bring so many legendary titles to life) means that my beloved John Constantine will be laid to rest...at least in his chain-smoking, foul-mouthed, rip your guts out of your stomach version that we've come to know and love for over 20 years now.

So, it goes without saying, that "Hellblazer" will be supremely missed, and in my honest opinion, it seems like Vertigo Comics as a whole isn't far behind. It's a crying shame too, because things just aren't going to be the same without John fucking Constantine the way we know and love him.

Sunday, January 27, 2013

JJ Abrams and "Star Wars": My Honest Opinion


The announcement that J.J. Abrams will be directing "Star Wars: Episode VII" sent shockwaves through nerdom all around the universe. After all, this is the guy that helped resurrect the "Star Trek" film franchise more so than anything else. Granted he's done more than that, directed the love-letter to Spielberg "Super 8", produced "Cloverfield", directed "Mission: Impossible III" and had a hand in "Mission: Impossible 4", and co-created "Lost" and "Alias" to boot. So yeah, the guy knows how to get nerds and geeks on their feet. Now for the record, I absolutely adored the "Star Trek" reboot and look forward to the sequel "Star Trek Into Darkness", and I absolutely loved "Lost" despite all the flack it received over the course of its run, but now that I've had some time to think about it, the idea of Abrams handling "Star Wars" blows my mind on so many levels that I can barely comprehend it.

Now, like I had said before, I really think that "Star Wars" should be left the fuck alone. It was bad enough we had prequels, but we really don't need sequels. Even though there's a huge part of me that would like to see new adventures unfold for Luke, Leia, Han, and the rest of the crew; that doesn't mean that we necessarily should. However, the one great thing about having Abrams be the man behind the camera is that I do believe he is the right guy to handle it, in terms of the Star Wars universe being so big that he has the mind's eye to capture it the right way in terms of cinematic amazement.

Then again, it's also more than likely that anything Abrams comes up with (or that Disney allows him to come up with) will be wholly predictable. Out of all the directors mentioned and rumored to be attached to the new Star Wars movie: Matthew Vaughan, Peter Jackson, Zack Snyder, and more besides, Abrams is without a doubt the safest one to go with, just from a visual spectacle standpoint, and because he's the least likely to want to do his own thing and instead go with how the studio directs him to go in terms of making the product the most marketable. That's understandable, considering this is Star Wars and Disney and throwing both of them together makes instant dollar signs, so of course Disney will go the safest route in terms of making the most marketable product imaginable, and that's what Abrams will make: more of a product than a movie.

Just a couple days ago, Jim Chadwick, an editor at DC Comics and a Facebook friend that I often converse with, brought up a valid point: why not hand the franchise off to a director that you would least expect? He brought up Takesi Miike, the brilliantly deranged director of "Ichi the Killer", "Audition", and "13 Assassins" among others. Though he's known by many as a gorehound, Miike has one of the most unique eyes for storytelling in all of modern day filmmaking. Getting someone like him that would inject the perfect blend of darkness and "Seven Samurai"-inspired storytelling (which Star Wars was semi-based on in the first place) would make for a truly unique take on the Star Wars universe, and I would absolutely kill to see such a thing happen.

Now, we know having Miike on board would never in a million years happen, but even someone like Zack Snyder would possibly deliver something a little different that we the fans wholeheartedly deserve. I mean for fuck's sake, we survived three shitty prequels and years of re-shat out "special editions" of the original films that we deserve something special for George Lucas making us look like douche bags. It is my personal hope that Abrams really delivers and proves me wrong at least a little bit, because as apprehensive as I am about this, I can't lie, I am kind of looking forward to it.

That, and I wanna see Han come from work and discover Leia having an affair with Chewbacca. That would be the tits.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The NHL Lockout is Over...Why You Shouldn't Give a Shit


At last, at last...the NHL lockout is finally over and we'll be getting an abbreviated version of the 2012-2013 season. A 48-game season is way better than having no season at all, and while I'm glad to see both sides finally come to an agreement, the whole affair leading up to this did nothing but piss me the fuck off in the process, along with practically every other NHL fan as well. With that in mind, this is probably going to be my last post in regards to anything involving the NHL (unless there's some major shit that winds up going down between now and playoff time), just because I've reached that breaking point in my life as an NHL fan, now having survived 3 (!) lockouts and plenty of piss-poor decisions from league executives, team owners, and players alike.

Gary Bettman, the beleagured NHL Commish that has run the NHL for 20 years now through 3 lockouts, handfuls of expansion teams in ridiculous markets, and some just as insane relocation projects as well, has to be on his way out you would think. The main focus of his job, other than "growing the sport" as he puts it, is to get the best deal on the table that he could for the league's 30 owners, and goddamnit, that's just what he did. When negotiations between the league and the players first took place and equally insane demands were exchanged between both sides, Bettman managed to get a good deal for the owners, albeit not the best he could have, given the fact that the NHLPA were no longer represented by a talking head to get walked all over by, but instead by Don Fehr, a put-foot-to-ass negotiator that helped make the MLBPA the powerhouse it is today. While Bettman did his job for the owners, you can't help but think that his time running the league has to be coming to an end. I mean for fuck's sake, it just HAS to. You can argue all day long about both the good and the bad he's done for the league (and believe it or not, he did have a hand in legitimately growing the sport after the potentially crippling lockout of 2004 that wiped out the whole year).

On the other side of that table is Don Fehr, who took little to no prisoners as he hardassed his way to get the NHL to soften on their deal with the players...and it worked at the 11th hour. While concessions were taken at both sides, it appeared for so long that neither the owners or the players would budge from their proposals/demands, and during the whole process, this NHL fan came to one startling conclusion: no one really gives two shits about the fans in all of this mess. Bettman, Fehr, and whatever other players or owners can say all they want in terms of how sorry they are about the whole thing and how they feel bad about the suffering fans going through life without the NHL, but they don't. Not. One. Bit.

Billionaires VS millionaires is all the lockout boiled down to, and both sides wanted more than either side was willing to give. And not one of them gives two shits about you or me, i.e. the people that help put money in their thick enough as it is wallets. And I for one believe that if we really want to make our voices heard, in this 48 game season about to begin, we just simply choose to ignore the proceedings.

Now don't get me wrong. I love hockey, and I even love the NHL even after all this bullshit. But goddamnit, enough is enough. Anyone with half a brain knows that whatever financial framework the league says needs tinkering will once again crumble by the time the next CBA expires. Within the next 8-10 years when this new CBA ends, we'll be at the same spot yet again, with another lockout and more bullshit to follow. Mark my words. And it isn't so much due to the league politics, but just because you've got 30 teams in a league based on what really is a niche sport, in unconventional markets like Columbus, Dallas, Carolina, and Phoenix that don't offer the fan support that a big league team deserves, and thus, will just continue to hemmorage money and never turn a profit.

We'll be back at this spot again next decade, and we all know it.

Oh, and hockey's back.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

My Thoughts on the "Evil Dead" Remake


I've been asked a lot by friends and some other fine folks in the little horror community I find myself part of just what my thoughts are of the upcoming "Evil Dead" remake, especially since the much-talked about redband trailer debuted a couple months ago. Now before I go into the trailer, I just want to say that horror remakes, especially remakes of classic horror films, tend to bring my piss to a boil. I've heard talk of a remake of "Evil Dead" for years, along with plenty of talk of the long-awaited "Evil Dead 4", which would feature both director Sam Raimi and star Bruce Campbell return.

Well, here we are...and we sure as shit don't have an "Evil Dead 4" do we?

Now, I know that Raimi and Campbell have some involvement in this remake, which is fine of course, but the fact that Diablo Cody of all fucking people helped write the script makes my head want to explode. Do I want to hear poppy dialogue to go along with scenes of bloody dismemberment, mayhem, and tree rape? Not really no. But then something happened: the redband trailer got released to the internet...

...holy fucking shit.

Calling it intense is an understatement, as it looks like this new take on "Evil Dead" (minus Ash) is a wall-to-wall gorefest that pulls no punches. Even the film's teaser poster is labeling it as "the most terrifying film you will ever experience". And it just might be...for this generation of teenage movie-goers that grew up with the "Saw" and "Paranormal Activity" franchises.

No matter how this redband trailer makes the "Evil Dead" remake look (and I do have to admit, it does kind of make me want to at least check it out), I know damn well in my heart of hearts that this is going to be nothing special in the least. It may wind up being passable, and it just as well may wind up being one huge pile of shit. Regardless of whatever shocks it may throw your way, I can tell already that it threw away all that sickening grittiness that made the original "Evil Dead" so fucking good and horrifying for Hollywood-level special effects trickery.

That, and it doesn't have Bruce Campbell's mighty chin as the centerpiece of the show either.

Fuck it.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

New Year's Resolutions I Probably Won't Keep


That Mayan Apocalypse sure was some wild shit wasn't it? The hellfire and brimstone raining down from the sky, the dead rising up and consuming the flesh of the living, mass suicides, and all the other crazy bullshit that happened. Could you believe it?

Oh wait, what? None of that shit happened? Did I hallucinate all that?

Yeah, I did. You really shouldn't do whippets when you're well into your late 20s.

Anyway, it's another Christmas that has come and gone, and now we approach the end of the year. So long 2012, hello 2013. In that regard, I just want to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year's. That being said, what's the one thing that always comes with the New Year, other than a night of getting absolutely shit-faced and regrettably fucking your best friend's mother? Broken New Year's Resolutions, that's what. So here folks is my own personal list of New Year's Resolutions that I may try to keep, and that I probably won't.



That I will no longer post pictures of my penis all over the internet in the sad hope that someone will find it attractive.

That I will stop playing shitty NES and Genesis games for the first time in over 20 years.

That this Halloween, my first without old Paul, I'll make it the best tribute to him that I could ever hope to do.

That I'll go to see "Man of Steel" and not get pissed off enough to start launching projectiles at the screen.

That I'll pull out more often.

That one day I'll pick the guitar back up.

That I'll go back to writing.

That I'll finally get tatted after years of wavering about what I want to get and where exactly I wanna get it on my body.

That this will be four years without drugs.

That I'll take one more step to making my dreams come true.

That I won't do 180 degree head turns every time a chick with a nice ass walks the opposite direction.




That's all for now folks. See all y'all next year!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

It's the End of the World (Again). Here's Your "Fuck It List" of Shit to Do Before You Burn


Ah yes folks, it's that time of year again. No, not Christmas, but the end of the world. However, unlike all the other failed doomsday prophecies, the end of the world on 12/21/2012 has some hype behind it. Namely the fact that it's the end of the Mayan calandar, which supposedly has some bearing as to when the world will officially end. Unlike the last few times when it was all "rapture" this and "second coming" that, this doomsday scenario has been talked about quite a bit over the years, and was even the subject of a John Cusack-starring flick from the director of "Independence Day"...and if there's any true source of credibility, it's from the director of "Independence Day".

We've heard it all before: fire & brimstone, the dead rising from the grave, cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria. Regardless of how exactly the world ends: Jesus comes down, zombies take over the planet, the whole fucking thing blows up, etc., it's times like this that you have to wonder what you would do in your final hours...and this my friends is a handy guide as to how you should spend your last hours on Earth, which I like to call the "Fuck It List". The first thought that may pop up in your head is "I want to spend them with my friends, family, and loved ones", which is all well in good for most of you, but for the rest of you degenerates (myself included), this is what you should do...so just say fuck it and go balls to the wall...



Eat a whole shitload of cake and ice cream. Why not be gluttonous? Fuck it.

Get absolutely mangled, steal a golf cart, and go for a nice, soothing drive down a freeway in the opposite direction. Fuck it.

Try meth for the first time ever. Or if you're feeling adventurous, try to cook it. If the dad from "Malcolm in the Middle" can do it, why can't you? Fuck it.

Drive to Carlos Mencia's house and kick him in the groin repeatedly while wearing steel-toed boots. He deserves it. Fuck it.

Go to the Westboro Baptist Church, firebomb it, and then protest when the fire department comes to put out the flames. Fuck it (and fuck them too).

Go bareback a trannie hooker that only charges 10 bucks for a half and half. Fuck it.

Act like you're robbing bank, but right in the middle of it, strip bare ass naked and start singing "Breaking the Law" by Judas Priest. Fuck it.

Don't feel the need to hide the fact that you're masturbating in public and crawl out of the bush you're hidden behind on your hot neighbor's lawn. Fuck it.

Tell your ex-girlfriend you have AIDS. Fuck it.

Bang your best friend's mom after all the years of dreaming about it. Or at least try to. Fuck it.

Walk into a Home Depot or Lowes and take a shit in one of the display toilets, Jackass style. Fuck it.

Kick a gorilla in the balls. Fuck it.

Watch "The Hobbit" and try not to fall asleep. Fuck it.

Tell everyone you thought "Avengers" sucked. Fuck it.

Steal a police car, a badge, and a uniform. Pull random people over...and give full cavity searches. Fuck it.



Well now, there aren't many days left until the end of times, so stop reading this and get your asses out there. Remember folks, if you can't help the fact that you're going out kicking and screaming, at least go out with style and with a bang. After all, what's the harm in having a little fun before ya kick the bucket right? Fuck it.





Let it be known that this "Fuck It List" is meant to be a parody only. Please only take it as seriously as you take the notion of the world coming to an end on 12/21. And please, when you bareback that trannie hooker, make him/her call you Big John Studd.

Good night and good luck.


Saturday, December 1, 2012

Why You Shouldn't Give Two Shits About "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D"


In 1974, writer/director Tobe Hooper crafted a genre classic with the original (and still best) "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". The film was an uncompromising vision of horror, done in a startlingly realistic fashion that made it seem almost like a documentary. It was disturbing and really got under your skin, which is what made it such an effective horror film; so much so that years later we'd get hordes of sequels, remakes, prequels, immitators, comic books, action figures, and a following that continues to stay strong almost FORTY years later, and a slasher/horror icon in Leatherface that remains one of the most frightening horror antagonists in the history of the genre.

Here we are now, going into 2013, and we've got a new "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" flick on the way. While the following films (which included two sequels, a quasi-remake with Matthew McConaughey, a straight up shitty remake which made a shit-load of money, and a shittier prequel to said remake) varied on degrees of quality (ranging from "not bad" to "please fucking shoot me in the face"), it nevertheless hasn't stopped the fact that there's a new one coming, in 3D no less too. The real question is, do we really need a new one at all?

No, we really fucking don't thank you very much.

Maybe I'm just getting soft at my old age, but I'm not looking forward to seeing Leatherface chop up teenagers in lush 3D. The whole scenario of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" has just gotten old and stale. Yes, we know that Leatherface and his crazy cannibal family are as looney and unpredictable as they come, but you'd think that considering the last good TCM flick was "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2" from the mid-80s that film executives would know when to quit. Unlike other slasher franchises like "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and "Friday the 13th", which are meant to be both fun and scary at the same time, the TCM flicks have always been set apart from them because they're usually relentlessly terrifying with little to no pitch black humor that the aforementioned franchises have in spades. In this new horror world that is filled with all the "Saw" and "Hostel"-type flicks of the world, the only thing that filmmakers could do to continue setting the franchise apart from its bretheren is to up the ante in terms of blood, guts, and relentless nastiness...and I personally just don't give a shit anymore about that kind of stuff because it's nothing TCM hasn't done to death as it is already.

So please, for fuck's sake, let the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" franchise just die. Even if Tobe Hooper himself came back and decided to direct another flick, I wouldn't be all that interested. When I watch a horror movie, and I watch a lot of them mind you, I hope and pray to see something done a little differently compared to what all I've seen already. After you've seen it all for years within this genre, all you can hope and wish for is something new to come along and kick the shit out of you, while being able to get some great enjoyment out of it as well in the process. You're not going to get that out of TCM 3D, and you know that as well as I do without even having to watch it.

Let TCM die already, it's as beaten to shit as the "Halloween" franchise, and when something gets that overdone, it does none of us any good.